Sonic Insanity
by Mecha Scorpion
Summary: Unusual circumstances force Sonic, Shadow, Tails and Knuckles into the same house, with hilarious results. Insanity ensues when Eggman enters the equation. Please review!
1. Mother Faker!

Sonic Insanity

Note: This is not the old fic done in regular format. This is a new fic with the same title. Please review!

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In the middle of a dense city known as Mobius lived one of the greatest heroes of all time, surrounded by his followers and fellow heroes alternately. This hero was called Sonic the Hedgehog. He was so rich that he didn't work anymore, preferring to stop Eggman only because he hated the man. Naturally, you would expect Sonic to be doing something heroic. But right now, the hero was asleep.

Well, at least until- BEEP, BEEP, BEEP!

"Stupid alarm clock," grumbled Sonic. He pulled a gun out from under the pillow and shot the alarm clock. It continued to ring.

Sonic swore as loudly as possible and filled the alarm clock full of bullets, saving one in case suicide was preferable. It continued to ring. Sonic growled and stowed the gun under the pillow, proceeding to ignore it. Then the gun went off.

Minutes later, Sonic, with feathers all over the right side of his face, was ready for the day. The only thing that had changed about him was that he was now wearing shoes.

Sonic had a pretty lonely life. He visited Tails in the Mystic Ruins and Knuckles on Angel Island as much as he could, but that wasn't too often. Amy was always chasing him, which consumed much of his time, and Shadow (who he could at least tolerate by now) was… well, he was Shadow. Sonic glumly chewed on a spoonful of Cheerios and wished that he had more friends.

Suddenly the door was kicked in and Shadow burst in on a motorcycle. He dismounted the motorcycle while it was still running, sending it flying into Sonic's kitchen, making contact with the refrigerator and exploding.

Sonic was blasted out of the room through the door, landing in a charred heap on his couch. He was madder than Eggman when he accidentally inhaled his mustache. That frigging fake hedgehog… he was going to pay…

"Sorry," Shadow offered sarcastically, taking care to wipe his muddy boots on Sonic's finest carpets.

"_Sorry!" _bellowed Sonic furiously, brushing ashes from his blue fur. "Why in the name of chili dogs did you do that?"

"Well, I was on a stunt run for my new game and I seemed to have lost my way, so I dropped in for directions," Shadow smirked.

"Hey, I've got an idea," said Sonic angrily. "Just keep going down, Shadow. That's how to get where you should go!"

"Idle threats," scoffed Shadow, examining his nails.

Sonic, enormously enraged, picked up a footstool and threw it at Shadow. The black hedgehog spun around to avoid the missile, but it got caught in his unruly thatch of quills. He began to scream. Sonic smiled.

"Argh!" he roared. "My _quills! _ You fiend! They're utterly _ruined!" _Shadow began to rip the footstool, piece by piece, out of his hair. Sonic raised an eyebrow and said nothing.

"That does it!" bellowed Shadow, finally removing the footstool. "I've had enough of your faking ways, mother faker!"

"Mother faker?" Sonic wondered.

"Yeah, you got that faking right, you faking mother faking dumb fake!" screamed Shadow hoarsely.

"Are you being censored or something?"

"You can take your faking censors and shove em up your faking-" Shadow began, but there was a knock on the door.

"Just a second," Sonic called, and he punched Shadow in the face and ran. Ignoring Shadow's pronounced cries of "mother faking mother faker, you faking fake wit…" Sonic pulled open the door.

Tails stood there, holding several suitcases.

"Um, hey little buddy," said Sonic, knocking Shadow out with a trout to make him shut up. "What's with the bags?"

"I'm moving in," Tails said, dropping his suitcases on Shadow. "Mystic Ruins got wrecked recently…"

"How?"

Suddenly a line of chorus girls came in, kicking up their legs and chanting, "_It's a flashback, whose flashback? You know whose, it's Tails' flashback!"_

"That was unnecessary," said Sonic as the screen dissolved into another image. Tails was in Mystic Ruins, working on some invention that has no actual reason to work.

"Yes! This knife will clean itself with a twitch of a button!" cried Tails. He dipped the knife into a jar of peanut butter, spread it on a piece of bread, then pressed a button. The knife was clean. Then he put the knife in a jar of jam, spread it on another piece of bread, and put the two pieces together into a sandwich. "Huzzah! Now the peanut butter and jelly will never be mingled! I'm a genius! Nobel Peace Prize, here I-"

Suddenly, his house was crushed by a heavy object. Tails tried to crawl through the wreckage, looking for the source of the destruction. He could hear someone…

"…last time I make the Master Emerald a tourist attraction, anyone could have taken it… maybe it was that biatch with the six corn dogs… nah, too scrawny…"

"_Knuckles?" _gasped Tails.

"No, it is your nemesis, Dr. Eggman!"

"Eggman!" gasped Tails, again.

"Nah, it's Knuckles."

"Knuckles!" cried Tails. With one of his useless-until-now inventions he cleared away the rubble. He flew onto Angel Island, which had fallen on his house, and reached Knuckles.

"Who stole the Master Emerald?" he asked Knuckles.

"I don't know… but Sonic has to help us stop whoever it was!" cried the echidna dramatically.

The flashback ended, and the screen dissolved back to Sonic.

"So, since both your homes are temporarily/permanently wrecked," Sonic said slowly, "you're moving in?"

"Yep!"

Sonic grinned. Not only did he get to have some friends around, but now was a prime opportunity to get at Knuckles when he least expected it. He took Shadow's gun, leaned out the window, and shot at Knuckles, who was walking up the driveway.

The laser hit Knuckles' CD player, and the rap music fizzled to a halt. Knuckles began to act extremely sluggish, eventually collapsing in a heap.

A few minutes later, Sonic and Tails were seated upon the unconscious Knuckles and Shadow.

"… so then he just throws the maple syrup into the audience!" finished Tails, while Sonic cried with laughter.

"…stupid Canadians… ah, good times, good times," Sonic said. Suddenly, Knuckles and Shadow both woke up at the same time.

Knuckles took out his spiked fist and rammed it into Tails' backside, causing the fox to yelp and flee. Shadow remained very still.

"Sonic," he said dangerously, "the best way to live longer than the next 0.2 seconds is to get off of me…"

"Ah, you weren't that comfortable anyway," Sonic groused, picking himself up.

"So," Shadow said, "what should we do now?"

"How about we evict you?" asked Sonic threateningly.

"Huh?"

"This Ultimate Faker," Sonic hissed angrily, "barged into my house, destroyed my fridge, and now expects my friendship! No deal! Out!"

"Uh, my house was destroyed too," Shadow said frantically.

"By _what?" _

"Um… er…"

"A meatball," Tails said. Sonic glared daggers at him.

"Yeah," said Shadow. "You know, on top of spaghetttttttti, all covered in cheeeeeeeeese, I lost my poor meeeeeeatbaaaaaaaaall, when some-"

"That kind of singing would destroy any house!" Sonic screamed, for indeed, the walls were quaking ominously. "All right, _fine! _But I won't like it! And neither will you!"

Shadow gulped.

Ten minutes later, Shadow had somehow been folded into the shape of a paper airplane, which Sonic was taking care to throw into as many walls and windows as possible.

"I think we should shop for a new refrigerator," supplied Tails.

"Eh, good idea," said Knuckles. They unfolded Shadow and went to the car.

Sonic got behind the wheel. This was an extreme cause for concern.

"Uh, Son-" Shadow started to say, but Sonic had already power slid out of the garage and out of the driveway, leaving rubber all over the place. He darted in and out of traffic. Knuckles had stuck his claws into the ceiling to anchor him. Tails was flying outside of the vehicle. Only Shadow was left.

"You idiot!" he screamed. "Slow down before you kill us all!"

Sonic braked so hard that Shadow flew head first out of the windshield, Tails flew into the back of the car, and Knuckles swung free and fell on top of Shadow. The irate black hedgehog climbed into the car. Sonic pressed a button, and the air bag hit him in the face.

"Har de har," growled Shadow. "Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"Yes!"

Knuckles was utterly confused. "How did that change? We weren't even moving!"

"Reverse psychology," said Tails wisely.

"Wait, what the-"

They all went into the Wal-Mart. Sonic was thankful at the inexpensiveness of the goods, but he grew a bit suspicious when he saw a 56 inch television for only 39.99.

"Excuse me, sir," said Knuckles to an employee, "we're looking for a CD player and a refrigerator…"

The employee responded in a nasally voice. "Certainly, sir. Right this way."

Shadow went to look at the video games, Tails at the DVDs, and Sonic went to the music while Knuckles handled the business. He glanced down at the bargain bin, where 5 CDs were being offered for 5 dollars. Hmmph… couldn't get any rap, it would encourage Knuckles. He looked around. There was no System of a Down. He looked frantically away. No Linkin Park. No Weezer. Beginning to sweat, he continued to search. No Green Day, no Audioslave, no Slipknot, no Nickelback… in fact, he realized in anger, the only CDs he could see were crappy hogwash by Limp Bizkit! Then he realized that there was no Rage against the Machine.

Sonic began to convulse soundlessly, looking frantically around the store for his other options. He went to the rap aisle. No Snoop, no 50, no Jay-Z… just Puff Daddy, or P. Daddy or P. Diddy or Diddy or whatever his name was! His beloved Jay-Z and Usher and Ludacris and Will Smith… gone! Everything was just a bunch of feel-good ambient alternative nonsense. He spat on the floor. How could Wal-Mart make its music selection this pathetic? Realizing the wisdom in downloading, he was about to round the corner when he heard the most terrible voice in existence.

"Do you have any Mariah Carey? I like the sound of small children on helium mixed with dog whistles!"

"I'm sorry, Miss Rose, but none is available, all we have in the pop section is Kelly Clarkson."

"Why do they call it pop anyway?"

"Cause it makes your eardrums pop," the sales rep said. Amy slapped him.

Sonic cursed violently. Just like Amy to be stalking him. He dodged under the rap shelf, slid around the rock shelf, tiptoed through the soundtrack section, and jumped over a small, sad pile of cassette tapes. Finally it came time to pass by the pop section. He prepared to run faster than the speed of sound… he was ready…

"Hey Sonic!" said Knuckles, popping up next to him. "I found a CD player, should I get 16 or 17 Diddy CDs?"

Amy's head turned around. "Sonic!" she squealed.

Cursing his red friend into oblivion, Sonic vaulted over the pop section and ran like heck. He pulled out Shadow's gun, shooting Amy with more rounds than 50 Cent had ever been hit with. She didn't flinch.

Sonic grabbed a bag of Doritos off of the shelf, threw it at Amy, and shot it open. The shield of noxious cheese snacks allowed Sonic to make good his mistake.

Sonic chuckled as he jumped into the car, along with Knuckles, Shadow, and Tails. He began to drive off, chuckling. Suddenly Amy began to crawl through the surround speakers. Sonic kicked her out. Then she slid through the A/C. Knuckles punched her away.

Finally they got home and began to unload the refrigerator. After much struggling and swearing and Shadow-smacking, they finally got it up. Sonic opened the door, to put in his extensive collection of condiments (listed alphabetically from Aaron's Ranch Dressing to Zanzibar Honey Mustard) and he saw Amy. She had stowed away inside the refrigerator.

Knuckles covered Tails' eyes with a fist. Shadow fought back a huge smirk. Sonic screamed. Amy crowed in victory.

"Why are you here?" demanded Sonic hoarsely, wiping lipstick off of his face.

"To see you, silly!" she giggled. Tails sighed and began arranging the condiments.

"Amy, what would it take to make you _go away?" _howled Sonic in anguish.

"Your virginity," she replied alluringly.

Shadow stopped in his tracks. A smile the size of the state of Kansas was slowly stretching across his face.

"What makes you think I'm a-" snarled Sonic, then caught sight of Shadow.

A howl of laughter was heard for miles around.

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The end! Please review.


	2. Bowling Alley Antics

Sonic Insanity

Yo, yo, yo! Please review, and thanks for all the ones I got!

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**Sonic the Hedgehog: A Virgin?**

That was the headline on the next day's newspaper. Sonic spat a mouthful of coffee into his cereal. "What? This is preposterous! I'm a virgin like Shadow's the Ultimate Lifeform!"

"So, very much then," Shadow said smugly.

"You know what I meant, faker! I'm a virgin like Knuckles hates rap!"

Just then, Knuckles began to burn his rap CDs.

"Why- Grrr- I oughta-" Sonic decided to read the article.

Sonic "Faker" the "Faking" Hedgehog was accused of being a virgin by a reliable source yesterday. One would expect someone with as many undeserved fangirls as the faker to get laid at least once over the years.

When pressed for comment, Sonic compared these accusations to other claims that were obviously the truth, such as Shadow the Amazingly Awesome Hedgehog being the Ultimate Lifeform. The only possible conclusion is that Sonic the Hedgehog is g- continued on page 6. Written by Shadow the Hedgehog.

All of Sonic's veins began to throb. "_Shadow!" _he bellowed. "This is the most idiotic thing I've ever read! You're not qualified to be a journalist!"

"No, but anyone is allowed to submit essays on current events to the Station Square Daily!" smirked the black hedgehog.

"Also, I deserve every last one of my fangirls! Except Amy!" roared Sonic. "God knows what I did to deserve her!" He shot her a filthy look, which she mistook for a look of lust and promptly fainted at. Thankful, Sonic returned to the article. "Then there's the issue about me being a virgin! Amy is the least reliable source ever! Just because she _wishes _she could take my virginity doesn't mean she _did _or she _could!"_

Shadow was making toaster strudels. "Keep reading."

Knuckles passed by. "Dude, is that coffee in your cereal?"

Sonic kicked at Knuckles' privates and missed, instead kicking a bowling ball that had dropped out of the sky through the roof. Tails' latest machine began to fix it. "Don't distract me! Then, there's the issue of what I compared the claims to! Whether or not you are the Ultimate Lifeform remains to be seen, but Knuckles burning his rap CDs was a coincidence!"

"Actually, I did it just to prove you wrong," Knuckles said, extinguishing his burning CDs.

Sonic was enormously ticked off. Some friends he had! One sold a fake story to the newspaper, one was always chasing him around, one intentionally tried to prove him wrong, and one was fixing his roof! "Well," Sonic yelled, "how could you have written this newspaper that fast? I was holding this newspaper, then I made those claims, then I read about those claims in the newspaper!"

"Sonic, that's a constantly updating digital tabloid," said Tails. "I invented it ten minutes ago!" Sonic threw the machine at Tails, pleased to hear a thunk.

"Finally, those claims that I'm g-" began Sonic.

"Dude, read the rest of the article," said Knuckles, tossing him the machine.

Sonic was worried about Knuckles. He seemed like he was trying to be a hippy. His rap CDs were probably no such thing. What with all the "Dudes," plus the fact that he had recently taken to tie-dying his dreadlocks, led Sonic to believe that Knuckles was going 60s. But anyway, Sonic read the article on page 6.

-oing insane. Sonic has long been under suspicion for craziness, but only his close friends seemed to act on it until now.

"We tie him to a chair frequently," said Tails the Fox, Sonic's new housemate. "Yep, have to beat him with pillowcases loaded with sand all the time… it's sad, really."

Whether or not Sonic is insane, the blue faker will clearly have some explaining to do.

The newspaper device was thrown at Tails. "_Tails!" _bellowed Sonic. "How could you make such stupid claims? That was only once, and it was just so I could have some 'battle scars' to brag about to my date!"

"A date," Shadow commented snidely. "By any chance was that the last date as well as the first?"

"Um… yeah, well… but the fact remains, I refuse to allow you to live under my roof anymore, and that's final!" shouted Sonic.

Five hours later…

"The roof transplant is complete," said a construction worker. The roof of Shadow's room had just been switched for a dazzling balcony.

"Thank you," Shadow said, fishing out some money to pay.

"How'd you get all that money?" asked Sonic grudgingly.

"Selling stories to the press pays well," Shadow grinned. Sonic began to throttle the air with his hands.

"Well, what'll we do today?" asked Amy.

"I was thinking we could go bowling," Tails said. "I know a good place up in Station Square…"

They broke off. A submarine periscope had just popped out of the ground.

"Mwahahaha!" cackled Eggman's voice. "Finally, a vital clue!" The periscope exploded.

"Should we go or not, then?" asked Amy. "With Eggman onto us, it could be dangerous…"

"Hah! We can handle it!" Sonic boasted.

"If by that you mean, Shadow will handle it while Sonic cowers in fear," Shadow said snidely.

"Switch 'handle it' with 'screw it up' and 'cowers in fear' with 'save the day' and you have a deal," Sonic retorted. Shadow sneered.

This time Tails offered to drive, but nobody trusted to ride in his deathtrap of a vehicle. It looked like a bulldozer. Plus, he was only about 6. Amy decided to drive, and Sonic decided to take advantage of Amy's hotness (not that he would ever admit it) and the nice car to smirk at other guys in traffic. He didn't like Amy, but he knew that other people thought she was pretty, and he took advantage of that.

They finally pulled up to the bowling alley and went in. They began to get fitted for shoes. Sonic took off his huge shoes, as did everyone but Shadow. He put up a huge fuss at taking off his rocket sneakers and eventually had to be tranquilized.

Cleverly disguised as a bowling pin, Metal Sonic examined them. "They're here, Doctor!"

"Good," cackled Eggman. "My plan will soon be complete!"

Shadow finally woke up, and they went to get their bowling balls. Tails got a wimpy 6-pound ball. Amy got a 8-pounder, and Knuckles took a 18-pound. Sonic and Shadow began to show off, choosing the heaviest ball they could find. After Sonic held up a 56 ball for 0.0000000000001 seconds, they both chose 16-pounders and began to program the alley.

Metal Sonic flinched. Amy's bowling ball was flying right at him. He neatly dodged it by hopping away. Amy got all nine pins, except for Metal Sonic. She went for her second throw.

As the ball rolled at him, Metal Sonic dodged it a la the Matrix… even though the bowling ball would have hit his feet. Amy left with a 9.

Tails got a 6, getting a gutter ball once. They agreed to put up bumpers when Tails played.

Knuckles took his ball, putting a wicked spin on it. Metal Sonic didn't have time to avoid it. He got blown out of sight and put back up. Eggman cursed. The signal was getting weaker.

Finally it was Sonic's turn. The blue hedgehog got the ball and threw it. It was a great strike. Metal Sonic never had a chance.

Shadow was up last. He took a long run and threw… but his uncomfortable bowling shoes betrayed him. He went skidding down the greased runway with his ball. Sonic almost died laughing.

The ball went into the gutter. However, Shadow went flying down the alley, taking out eight. He had the second worst score. They took a short break, and Shadow began to get more comfortable with his shoes. To avoid Sonic's immense snobbishness, he went to the bathroom. There he secretly switched shoes, and nobody noticed even though it was very obvious that flames were coming out of the soles.

This pattern continued until the middle. Knuckles had taken a downward streak, ending up with 44. Tails had 42, Amy had 46, and Sonic and Shadow were tied with 48. It was a very close game.

During the break, Sonic decided he was hungry. "What do you want to eat?" he wondered.

"A Happy Meal!" Tails said stupidly. He eventually decided onion rings.

"Philly Cheese Steak burger," Knuckles grunted.

"Just a Coke," Amy said.

"Diced loser with a side of grilled _fake!" _screeched Shadow, still raw over his failure the first round.

Sonic decided on thirty crates of chilidogs and went to the snack bar. An immensely fat, bald, mustached person wearing sunglasses was sitting there, eating the snacks that he was supposed to sell.

Sonic gave him the order. "…and put some vinegar in that Coca Cola, will ya?"

"Sure," gulped Eggman, sweating. How could that idiot hedgehog not recognize him? Finally Sonic walked away, and Eggman exhaled.

It was getting toward the end of the game. The screen was smeared with blood, sweat and vinegar mixed with Coca Cola. Metal Sonic was now covered in dents. Tails had gotten frustrated and decided to play the arcade games. Amy had ended with 105, Knuckles had ended with 114, and Sonic had ended with 128. Shadow was still playing. He had 118.

Shadow threw the bowling ball. Suddenly a nuclear missile hit it and it exploded.

"I hate this freaking game!" screamed one of the bowling pins, turning into Metal Sonic. "I'll kill you! You'll die wondering who won the game!" He shot a spray of bullets. Everyone hid behind the score terminal. After a while Sonic came out, his hands up.

"Good," said Metal Sonic. "Now turn around slowly…"

Sonic did. Amy was hanging onto his back with one hand and holding a bunch of guns with the other. After sustaining so much damage, Metal Sonic fell into the ball return slot and came out compressed very tightly. Knuckles punched him out of the building.

They suddenly heard a whirring of gears. Tails had somehow built a robot out of all the arcade games and was clanking over. "Am I late?" he asked.

Suddenly, a bloodcurdling scream was heard. A group of disappointing game-playing kids had arrived, and none looked happy.

Then, something even worse happened. Eggman appeared, in an equally ridiculous weapon.

"Behold, the Egg Snack Counter!" he cried rapturously. Two enormous guns began to shoot packets of salt and pepper, while a selection of condiments to rival Sonic's was in the ammunition slots. The Snack Bar balanced on a giant pogo stick spring.

"That's pretty pathetic," commented Knuckles.

Eggman turned purple. "Shut up! See if you can handle this attack!" The whole machine began to flash and vibrate. Meanwhile, the kids drew closer…

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Ooh, cliffhanger! Review.


	3. The Egg Snack Bar

Sonic Insanity

Hey, everyone! Review even more, especially if you have suggestions.

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The Egg Snack Bar stomped forward. The children swarmed around them. The flaming spikes began to lower from the ceiling. The floor began to crack. A huge boulder began to roll at them.

And then Sonic woke up.

He had somehow fallen asleep on the bowling alley floor.

"You passed out, Fakey F. McFakington," snarled Shadow. Sonic got up. The Egg Snack Bar was coming toward them, as were the children.

"Wow, you passed out then woke up fast," said Amy.

Sonic began to formulate a plan. "OK, guys, here's the plan. Shadow, Tails, Knuckles and I will go into the staff room and watch TV. Amy will take down the children and the Egg Snack Bar. Agreed?"

"NO!" fumed Amy. "How about this? Tails, in his machine, takes down the Egg Snack Bar. Sonic and Shadow help him. Knuckles can take down the children. I'll watch out for security." She pulled out the Piko Piko hammer.

"Deal!" They would have shaken hands, but Knuckles would have made everyone bleed to death, Tails couldn't shake in his machine, Amy was holding the hammer, and Sonic refused to touch Amy or Shadow. They eventually just split up.

Tails' arcade game machine began to shoot little stream of dots all over the surface of the Egg Snack Bar, while shielding from sprays of ground burger. Eggman paused to laugh.

"_Dots!" _he shouted. "That's preposterous! What could you possibly… oh crap."

Six little Pac-Man guys came shooting out of Tails' machine, and they began to eat all the dots on the Egg Snack Bar, in the process eating away much of his defense.

"Why do you always make such pathetic machines?" called Tails. "That Egg Golem was the stupidest thing I ever saw! Who puts a giant do-damage-to-yourself button on your weapon's head? And maintenance platforms leading up to it?"

Eggman turned purple. "Shut _up!" _Three pairs of knives began to slice the Pac-Men off of him. Then they began to dice onions through the air onto Tails.

Now, ordinarily this would have sent Tails into a crying fit. But, there was glass screen protecting the fox. He laughed and began shooting quarters.

Eggman somehow managed to dodge each one of them. Then, a change machine fell on him. The Egg Snack Bar crumbled.

"Curses! I won't forget this!" he snarled as he always does, then ran off in search of Metal Sonic.

Meanwhile, Sonic, Shadow, and Knuckles were in the middle of fighting the kids. Sonic picked up a pimp by the legs and started to bat them away. This was ridiculous, particularly when the pimp turned into a guitar, but nobody complained. But the trio was outnumbered.

"Knuckles," burst out Sonic as they were tied to a stake, "I'm sorry I shot your CD player. Tails, old buddy, you were the best. Shadow, you're actually kind of cool." He closed his eyes, bracing himself. "Amy… well, you didn't deserve it…"

"Really?" she asked in wondered.

"Well, only that one time where I tried to boil you in oil," Sonic said. "That was a tad extreme. The rest I am unrepentant about." He addressed all assembled with his eyes closed. "I know you can't hear me, but Omega, I'm sorry I called you a blender with machine guns. Rouge, I'm sorry I wrote Hooters Girl all over your resume whenever you applied for a job. Cream, I'm sorry I kicked your two Chaos into traffic. Big, you're just stupid." He could hear angry voices, but he ignored them. "Espio, I should never have said your ninja stuff came from the Dollar Tree. It clearly came from the Dollar Store." Somewhere, far away, Espio began to swear angrily. "Vector, I'm sorry I duct taped your snout shut and switched your CDs with Knuckles'. Charmy, I'm sorry I glued your wings to a cinderblock and punched you in-"

"**_Sonic!" _**roared Shadow. "You idiot, can't you see you're not in any danger at all?"

Sonic opened his eyes. The children had all gone away. Tails had returned the arcade games.

"I take it all back," he began desperately. "Knuckles, your CD player is a piece of crap. Tails, your machines are pointless and redundant. Amy, I feel like dipping you in boiling oil 20 more-"

"That's kinky," said Shadow in disgust. "Too late, you're on record."

Sonic began to curse.

Far away, in a secret base, Eggman was planning his next scheme.

"The Egg Snack Bar was a disgrace!" he cried, making a digital blueprint for something that looked like an ostrich combined with a limousine. "Once this is done, the world will tremble under my footsteps!"

"It does that all the time, you're so fat," replied Metal Sonic. Eggman punched a dent in his chest. Metal Sonic repaired it.

"Nobody asked you!"

Back at Sonic's house, the gang was trying to figure out what else they should do for the day.

"First, we're going to evict Amy!" yelled Sonic. "If you must you can visit occasionally, but you will not sleep on my property or in my house!"

"Fine," she said, "but I can visit from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed!"

"_No! _Visiting hours are 10 AM to 4 PM only!" Sonic bellowed. "And no phone calls!"

"I demand at least eight!" Amy trilled.

"One!"

"Seven!"

"Two!"

"Six!"

"Three!"

"Nine!"

"You're going the wrong way," Tails remarked.

"Fine, seven… a week!" Sonic called.

"Deal," Amy grumbled angrily. She packed up her bags and left, seeing as it was about 6 PM.

"Let's eat dinner," said Tails. "Who knows how to cook?"

Everyone looked around. Amy was the best cook among them, and she had left. Knuckles ate raw fish that he caught with his bare hands on Angel Island, Shadow ate processed nutrients for most of his life, and Sonic was accustomed to frozen, canned or micro waved dishes. Tails seemed to be the only one who had any knowledge on the subject.

"Fine… Shadow, get the cookbook."

Three minutes later, Sonic had gotten out a bunch of cooking ingredients, Shadow had lugged in an encyclopedia-sized cookbook titled The Joy of Squinting at Fine Print for Four Hours to Make Something That Looks Pathetic Compared to the Mouth-Watering Color Pictures, and Knuckles had sat on his narrow behind.

"Sonic, what is this?" asked Tails in disgust, looking at the cooking ingredients. "Dijon mustard… cream cheese… raspberry jam… maple syrup… margarine… you can't cook with these!"

"See if you can find a recipe," smirked Sonic.

The first page Tails opened to contained a recipe titled Condiment Soup. The picture next to it actually looked pretty good. Tails steamed.

"What are the ingredients?" Knuckles asked.

"Hmm… a little bit of everything we have," read Tails.

"That's seriously what it says?" asked Shadow. "All of our ingredients?"

"No, it says the words 'a little bit of everything we have,'" Tails reported.

Sonic shrugged and began scooping pickle relish, butterscotch, whipped cream and ketchup into a bowl.

"What do you do to prepare it?" asked Shadow, piling on chocolate sauce.

"Stir it up, nuke it for ten seconds, and serve," Tails recited, taking Thousand Island dressing and spraying it in.

They paused to survey their concoction. "It doesn't look like it'll be enough," Knuckles said doubtfully.

"Well," said Tails, "I have a plan…"

Five minutes later…

"And that's my plan!"

"Well, what's your plan?" asked Sonic angrily. "You just waited five minutes and said, 'And that's my plan!' What kind of plan is that?"

An embarrassed Tails retold his plan.

"This is ridiculous," said Sonic, digging out the filling to an Almond Joy and mashing Tootsie Rolls in his hands. "This garbage won't be good enough to eat!"

"Well, you should have thought about that before cleaning out the condiments aisle of the grocery store!" fumed Shadow.

Sonic, incensed, picked up a handful of the goo and flung it at the Ultimate Lifeform. Shadow was hit in the face and knocked backwards.

"Oh, great, not the obligatory food fight joke," Tails said, before a misaimed pile of sludge hit him in the face. Knuckles also got spattered. A food fight began.

Everyone took cover. Knuckles hid behind the open fridge door. Shadow hid behind the massive cookbook. Tails concealed himself behind the table. Sonic crouched behind a fork. Whirling piles of slush flew through the air, hitting the wall with sounds of shattering glass and explosions, even though there was no glass and no exploding.

Sonic pulled a baseball bat out of nowhere and hit a pile of the condiment soup. The bat broke, and the pile of sludge knocked Shadow off of his feet. He went tumbling head over heels, landing in a bag of flour that shot a mushroom cloud that temporarily looked like the Mona Lisa.

Finally they had run out of food.

"Great work, faker, you wasted all our food!" spat Shadow as they washed themselves off.

Sonic took a taste of the gunk. His face crumpled. "This is _nasty!" _he bellowed.

"Well, should we go out to eat?" asked Tails.

"No…" And then, Sonic pointed to the bag of flour, which was next to all the ingredients to make enough breaded chicken to feed a country.

"D'oh!"

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Re-re-view-re-view! Leave a review, I'll say thank you while I up in the club

Re-view-re-re-view! Nobody write it like I do so show me some love!

To the tune of 'How We Do' by the Game and 50 Cent. Please leave a review.


	4. Tails, A Pimp?

Sonic Insanity

Review! Thanks to all who did.

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Dinner was very silent. Well, it should have been, as everyone there was a mime.

In actually related news, dinner at Sonic's house was fairly talkative. Everyone was stuffing their face with breaded chicken.

"This food sucks," Shadow complained. "It tastes like liquefied faker."

"I didn't know you'd resorted to cannibalism," replied Sonic, digging into his with the energy of a man possessed.

Tails hit the table. "That does it! Sonic and Shadow, I'm tired of you bickering and arguing! I'm surprised anything gets accomplished without me!"

"Well, usually the Ultimate Bag of Elephant Dung isn't here," hissed Sonic.

"That's exactly what I mean! Sonic, don't you have any education at all?"

"Not really," replied Sonic. "I left school at the age of fifth grade."

"That's not an age, faker," Shadow said as the flashback line girls began to dance. The flashback began.

Sonic's teacher, a bored-looking Ben Stein type guy, was teaching the class basic geography. Everyone looked stupefied, especially Sonic. He was doodling all over the back of Knuckles' dreadlocks.

"New York shares a border with Pennsylvania, the United States shares a border with Canada-"

Sonic suddenly jumped up, the black marker flying. "That is not true! Florida is part of the United States, and it doesn't share a border with Canada! Oh! BURN!" He lifted his elbow as high as it would go, grabbed it with his other hand, and spat. The other students applauded.

"What I meant by that," the teacher growled, "was that part of the count-"

"Don't give me that!" Sonic leaped onto his desk and began a rousing speech. "Mr. Johnson, when I came to this school, my observational skills were at zero. I needed to raise them, so I came here. But in your attempt to raise them you honed them so finely that I was able to detect… your conspiracy!" Girls swooned. Guys cheered. Knuckles tried to wash his dreadlocks.

"Young man, cease your raving immediately!" ordered Mr. Johnson.

"Oh?" sneered Sonic. "Where do you come from, Mister?"

"That's Mr. Johnson to you, and I come from Vancouver."

"AHA!" Sonic roared, lifting his arm into the air. "You communist Canadian! You're just trying to confuse the youngest generation, so that once we run the country we'll be unprepared for your attack on our country! But I saw through it!" Girls blew kisses. Guys slapped his hands. Knuckles began to cut his dreadlocks.

Sonic fell to his knees on the desk and spoke in a deep, throaty, guttural voice. "When my children were blinded and did not know the way… I provided the light!" Everyone cheered, except for Knuckles, who was using pruning shears. "When my children were deafened by the noise, I sang a hymn of guidance! When my children could not speak for fear of persecution… I SPOKE THEIR WORDS!" Sonic bowed his head and wept. "And when my children had no more tears to cry, and could not bear the tasks before them… I took their burdens."

Mr. Johnson was speechless. Sonic picked up a pimp, which turned into a guitar, and began to play.

"Most of the United States shares / no border with Canada! We're the promise of the future / yet you feed us _LIES _from the tablecloth! Lalalalalalalala!" Sonic sang. There was no doubt about it, he was singing BYOB by System of a Down. Yes, I am probably obsessed with that song.

"Everybody's going to the schoolhouse have a real good time!" Sonic sang. "Learning borders wrong will lead to doom, all in good time!"

The flashback ended. Knuckles looked angry. Sonic looked proud. Tails looked confused. And Shadow looked furious.

"You conspiracy-theorizing IDIOT!" he exploded. "How could you possibly think that?"

"I was young," Sonic sniffed. "Plus I never paid attention in class, I just drew on people's heads." Knuckles began to bash his fists together.

"Why don't we look at my new invention," Tails suggested.

"No!" screamed Sonic. "I don't want to see your inventions! I just want you," he yelled at Shadow, "out of my house!"

Shadow threw a tampon at him. "Cry me a river."

Sonic dashed away, thinking. How could he get that annoying faker out of his house?

He decided to e-mail Tails.

Thesonicone: Tails?

Inventorman: Yeah?

Thesonicone: Sorry I yelled at you. What's your invention?

Inventorman: I invented a device that can turn bags full of goats into kegs of dynamite.

Thesonicone: Man, I wish Shadow would stop being such a dick.

Inventorman: I agree.

Inventorman: Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we just swing a wrecking ball through his room?

Thesonicone: That sounds good. Where would we get the wrecking ball?

Ultimatelifeform: I've got one right here.

Sonic barely had time to look up from his computer when an enormous wrecking ball could be seen out the window.

Ultimatelifeform: Sayonara in 10…

Ultimatelifeform: 9…

Thesonicone: Shadow you fool, you can't destroy my room!

Ultimatelifeform: 8… Why not?

Thesonicone: Because I'm the only one here with any money! You'd all have to get jobs!

Ultimatelifeform: 7… That wouldn't be too hard. We could rob your bank account.

Inventorman: Don't give us that crap, Shadow. You wouldn't do that.

Sonic signed off and snuck over to Shadow's room. He saw the hedgehog typing. Then he pressed a large button.

The wrecking ball destroyed Sonic's house.

Then, Sonic woke up.

"Phew…" he gasped. "Eating all those chicken wings must have been more harmful than I thought…" Then the alarm went off. Sonic torched it with a flamethrower and threw it into Shadow's room. There was a sound of zapping light, then it reappeared in Sonic's room. Sonic threw it back.

A thick vein pulsed in Shadow's forehead. "Chaos Control!" It vanished and reappeared. Glaring angrily, Shadow decided to try to put it in Knuckles' room. He tossed it in front of the doorway. A huge blast of energy hit it. Knuckles did not appear to be a morning person.

They all ate breakfast, wondering what they should do.

"I know!" said Knuckles. "Why don't we go scope out some chicks?"

Sonic shot a meaningful glance toward Tails.

"I mean, um, why don't we attempt to make the acquaintance of several ladies?" inquired Knuckles innocently.

"Good idea," said Shadow. "Tails, you can stay here."

Before he could object, they had left. Tails let out a lonely sigh and went to work on his inventions.

The group of them decided to go to the park. Knuckles saw someone he thought might work out.

He walked over to her. "Hey, baby, where you going?"

Tikal glared at him. "Knuckles, I thought you knew I got a makeover!"

Knuckles was speechless. "Um, sorry, I didn't realize…"

He was soon lying facedown in the dirt.

"How could you let the Master Emerald go?" roared Tikal before disappearing.

Sonic keeled over laughing.

Suddenly Shadow saw a nice looking girl. He moved over to talk to her.

"Hey," he said suavely. "How about walking with me?"

She gave him a patronizing smile. "Sorry, I'm seeing someone else here."

Sonic attempted to talk to two more ladies, who he discovered were a couple. Over the course of fifteen minutes, all twenty ladies they talked to were going to meet some other guy.

"All right, who is this player?" asked Sonic in frustration. "Better not be any one I know, or… TAILS!"

Indeed, the fox was wearing a long coat, shades, and a hat, and covered by tons of ladies. "Now line up and touch your toes, ladies, and the judging committee will decide…" He pointed at himself. "I'm the judging commit- oh, hi Sonic!"

"_Oh, hi?" _stormed Sonic. "You little demon! You can't just go out and be a pimp whenever you feel like it! These ladies must be ten years older than you!"

"You can't just leave me at home, " Tails protested. "I can't just amuse myself with my machines all the time, Sonic!"

"He has a point," Knuckles said. Sonic kicked him in the mouth, but they all stopped moving as one of the ladies said, in Eggman's voice, "Curses!"

The lady looked around. "Those imbeciles ALWAYS get all the girls! Well, I'll have my revenge!" Then the lady exploded.

Shadow blinked.

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Please leave a review.


	5. Chicken Summoning

Sonic Insanity

This will be the last chapter for a while, I have other things to do.

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Far away, in a deeply buried, underground, subterranean secret base, Eggman looked at the beautiful city view through his window and sighed. Sometimes he felt like he lived in a movie. Right now it felt like Office Space. When he was a kid it felt like Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Around his parents it was like Mr. and Mrs. Smith. But most of all, it seemed like his life was…

"The Sonic the Hedgehog movie!" roared Eggman, flinging a paperweight across the room. One of his robots fell over. "That little blue imbecile shall not live one more instant! I shall have to planningfully plan a planningful plan of planningful planitude!"

"Don't over-plan it," Metal Sonic sneered. Eggman stuffed him in an old pizza box.

"Shut up! Now, that fox boy might have been right. The Egg anything is too stupid." He thought for a minute. Finally a light bulb appeared over his head. "I'm a genius!"

"No, you're not!" cried Metal Sonic. Eggman snatched the light bulb out of the air and hit Metal Sonic with it.

"Shut up! This device," snarled Eggman, "will be henceforth known as… the Echo Chicken Project!"

Metal Sonic was speechless.

"Secretly, beneath the earth, there lies a foundation built on the sweat, blood, tears and feathers of numerous chickens. These chickens are the architects of our world. Using advanced "eat until I actually come up with this part of the plan" technology, I shall convince these chickens to destroy the world!" Eggman finally finished. "So, what do you think?"

Metal Sonic exploded, verbally and almost physically. "You IDIOT! That's the most farfetched, impossible, crazy, doltish, unnecessary, stupid, unlikely plan ever conceived! There is no way it'll work!"

"Ah, but I have a powerful bargaining chip…" Eggman sneered.

"What?"

"The Anarchy Sapphires!" Eggman pulled out seven jewels that, for some completely unknown reason, greatly resembled another set of powerful gems…

"What power do these have?" asked Metal Sonic.

"Not only are they indestructible, but chickens consider them a source of great evil," explained Eggman as if he was talking to a two-year-old.

"Why would they want a source of great evil?" growled Metal Sonic.

"So… they… can… destroy… wait a sec…"

"YOU MORON!" screamed Metal Sonic.

"Shut up! See how you like this!" Eggman pressed a secret switch. A giant door opened. Behind it was…

A clay facial mask and leg shaving kit!

Metal Sonic raised an eyebrow.

Then, these feminine products were crushed by the falling Master Emerald.

"Behold!" cried Eggman. "The Master Emerald! With this source of unspeakable power, I can mesmerize the chickens and cause them to follow me!"

"Where do these chickens live?" asked Metal Sonic.

"Angel Island, of course," shrugged Eggman.

"Angel… you imbecile! Don't you think that these super intelligent creatures might actually be a little mad that their island fell into the sea? Plus, you stole their sacred gemstone!" bellowed Metal Sonic.

"Well, I do have the power of the Anarchy Sap- ow! That was uncalled f- ow!" Metal Sonic kicked Eggman across the room.

Suddenly Knuckles burst in through a wall. Very precisely, he shot all the robots with a huge gun and then turned at Eggman. "Your chicken-enslaving and all-powerful-jewel-creating days are over!"

"Prove it!" snarled Eggman childishly.

Knuckles suddenly appeared in typical RPG clothing. He wore a brown tunic, long black cape, golden tiara, carried a staff and a huge sword, wore magic-looking boots, and wore eye shadow. (Covers all the basic Final Fantasy types.) He began some kind of enormously intricate summons, from Glowing Rune Enchantment to Thor's Hammer of Sigil Storms to Mighty Demonic Horde Revival and such things. Nothing happened, except that purple, pink, yellow and green energy formed images of falling camels for no reason.

"Bwahaha!" cackled Eggman. "How stupid! How ridiculous! That's the worst idea I've… CHICKENS?" For indeed, tens of thousands of insanely angry chickens had swarmed together around Knuckles to form some kind of giant ogre-thing, made out of clucking farmyard birds.

Sonic and Shadow sped in, and even more chickens created ogre-things around them. Tails came as well. By the end, four huge chicken-trolls, about ten feet high each with a furry as the head lurched at Eggman and Metal Sonic. A turn-based battle began.

Metal Sonic chose Run. He ran.

"Traitor," mumbled Eggman. The fat warlord performed a complex magical spells. All the chickens turned into Hot Pockets. This couldn't be good.

Each of the Hot Pocket-covered furries attempted a greasy attack and failed. Finally, Eggman ate all of the Hot Pockets and won.

"Give me the Master Emerald!" roared Knuckles. "You just ATE all of your potential followers, you don't have any use for it!"

"You're right," cackled Eggman. "So, I'll make some kind of excuse for keeping it while fleeing like a twerp!" And with that, the Egg Slinky picked him and the Emerald up and began to tumble away.

Knuckles began to curse.

"That was weird," Tails said.

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Review, but don't bug for updates.


	6. A Meeting With The Head of Sega

Sonic Insanity

Yeah, I'm back. Review!

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So, after the Anarchy Sapphires incident, or the Chicken Summoning incident, or the Faker Acts Like An Imbecile incident, depending on whether you asked Eggman, Knuckles or Shadow, it was early in the morning. Only Tails was awake. He was feverishly playing Sonic Adventure 2 on the Game Cube.

"Come on, come on…" he muttered, tapping many buttons. "No! No! ARGH!"

Upstairs, an alarm clock rang, followed by gunfire. Sonic plodded down the stairs, making himself a cup of coffee.

"Hey Tails, what game are you playing?" asked Sonic.

"Sonic Adventure 2 Battle," groaned Tails. "Oh, come on, I almost had it… NO!" He dropped the controller and wept.

"Tails, you're still on the title screen," Sonic said in confusion. Each button, except for Start/Pause and A, were severely worn.

"No I'm not!" said Tails. "I'm on Level Three Hundred!"

Sonic pressed Start. The game file-loading screen came up. Tails seized the controller and began to hammer on the buttons.

Sonic, absolutely fed up, started the first level on Hero side. He began to play as himself.

By the end of the level, Sonic was enraged. "These graphics make my daring adventures look like complete LUNACY!" he bellowed. "The tumbling cars just disappear as they fall! Plus, those robots are pitifully weak!"

Shadow came downstairs and began to watch the cut scene. "That doesn't look anything like me!" he snarled. "This lip synch is worse than most 70s dubbed kung fu movies! And my voice sounds like Ewan McGregor after smoking cigarettes!"

"Ewan McGregor does smoke," Sonic reminded him.

Knuckles came down to watch the treasure hunting level. "This is utterly ridiculous! I have better taste in rap music than that! Plus, I can sense an emerald from a mile away! Not within a couple inches!"

Tails also got to his own level. "Why, this is outrageous! If it was this easy destroying machines, I'd be the one with all the glory!"

"That does it," vowed Sonic. "We must go to find the leader of Sega to make him pay for his misdeeds!"

In Japan, the leader of Sega, Yuji Naka, was trying to reason with the irate heroes.

"Please! All I can say is that the next game is much bigger," Naka said. "Our plot development, character arcs and game plays modes will put all those fancy plot-ends-in-thirty-six-different-ways PC and Xbox games to shame! Also, the control scheme rivals anything before it!"

"And…"

"The plot revolves around an evil doctor who makes steadily more ridiculous robots and machines. He steals a series of sacred gemstones, forcing Sonic the Hedgehog to get them back."

"YOU IDIOT!" roared Knuckles. "How is that in any way different from Sonic Adventure DX?"

"No, wait!" Yuji said quickly. "You will be able to play as multiple characters, some of which have the same mission objectives, others of which have different! For example, Knuckles will be forced to search for pieces of the Chaos Emerald, Shadow will have the same mission objectives as Sonic but with different levels-"

"How does that change ANYTHING from Sonic Adventure 2: Battle?" wondered Tails angrily.

"But our characters are so much more developed!" whined Naka. "For instance, Shadow and Sonic have a fierce rivalry, Tails is revealed to be an inventing genius, Knuckles has a strong desire to bring together the Master Em-"

"So what is this revolutionary control scheme we've been hearing about?" hissed Shadow, looking quite angry.

"Well," Yuji said, looking for an exit, "for Sonic, A is jump, A while in midair is Homing Attack, and B is the charged speed roll!"

Ten seconds later, Yuji Naka was booted from his office. He went falling down the length of the skyscraper, screaming all the way…

Then he landed on a fire escape three inches from his office.

"Ingrates," he roared. "I'll get them back if it's the last thing I-"

Then, Knuckles dropkicked him over the edge.

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Sorry for such a short chapter. Please review. Seriously, this might be the last chappie for a while, I'm not making much progress with this.


	7. The Strangled Spaghetti Cook, pt 1

Sonic Insanity

Please review. Sorry for the wait.

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It was a week or two later. Eggman did not seem to be planning anything, Yuji Naka was successfully out of the way, and all was well at the Sonic household. Sonic was giving a fatherly discussion to Tails on the subject of-

"Sex!" said Sonic.

"WHAT?" shrieked Tails.

"Tails, I think it's time you went on a date with someone of the opposite sex!" Sonic said proudly.

"Sonic, I can't think of anyone I would want to go out with!" Tails whined. "There's so many of them!"

Sonic growled. The young fool had a point. "How about Cream? She's nice."

"I think she likes Charmy," muttered Tails bashfully.

"Well, Knuckles here is about to call up Rouge," said Sonic, gesturing to Knuckles. "And if you take Cream with you, you can have a double date. So you can pick up some pointers from them, huh?"

"Why don't you go on a date, huh?" accused Tails.

This could be trouble. "Um… with who?"

"Eggman?" suggested Tails slyly. After he had been throttled thoroughly by Sonic, Tails suggested, "Amy?"

"Amy! I don't like _her! _She's a groupie!" screamed Sonic. Shadow pulled out his cell phone to dial someone up.

"Then how about Tikal?" asked Tails honestly. "She might be nice."

"Dead girls have lots of experience, faker," Shadow sneered. Sonic lobbed the couch at him and turned around.

"Well… I guess… I will if you go with Cream," Sonic said.

"Deal," Tails said, and they shook paws.

"Well, Shadow," Sonic smirked, "I guess it's just a quiet night at home for you, while we guys have a wild night on the-"

"Done!" Shadow said. "I'll drive by Amy's house at 7 PM."

Sonic lunged forward to throttle the hedgehog, foam flying from his teeth, but Knuckles swatted him down in midair.

"Rouge says she'll meet us wherever we go," he whispered, covering the phone's mouthpiece with one hand and carrying Sonic away with the other. "Where are we going?"

"Dinner and a movie," Shadow proposed.

"Movie and a meal," Sonic said.

"DVD and kiddy table!" proposed Tails. Sonic was thrown at him by Knuckles.

"OK, I know a good Italian restaurant… yeah, that place. The Strangled Spaghetti Cook, yeah. We'll drive by the theater after that. Yeah, bye." Knuckles hung up triumphantly.

Tails picked up the phone next, dialing Cream's number. While Knuckles and Shadow teased him and appraised him, Sonic picked up the extension in the kitchen.

"Come on, pick up, pick up," hissed Tails. Just before the answering machine went on, Big answered. "Hello?"

"Big, is Cream there?" asked Tails.

"Froggy… I lost Froggy!"

"Listen, we can talk about Froggy later, can I talk to Cream?"

"Can you help me find Fro- hey!" protested Big as Cream took the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Cream, it's Tails," Tails said. He tried to sound manly and failed. Shadow began to crack up.

"Oh hi Tails, what is it?" she asked.

"You're not doing anything this evening, are you?" Tails inquired.

"No… well, Big and I were gonna play chess, but I think he forgot the rules again." Shadow began to roll around, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Well, you see, I was wondering if you wanted to go eat dinner and watch a movie with me tonight," Tails said, his voice cracking tremendously. Shadow screamed with silent laughter.

"You know, that sounds like a good idea," said Cream. "What time?"

"I dunno, how about I pick you up at 7? Everyone's going out, just so you know."

"Oh, good. Amy too?"

"Yes."

"Good! Well, talk to you soon, Tails." The line went dead.

Sonic, spitting and snarling over Shadow's treachery, picked up the phone and dialed.

"Tikal here."

"Tikal, it's me, Sonic."

"Oh, hey, Sonic. 'Sup?"

"Oh, nothing much…" Sonic decided to avoid telling her about the Master Emerald until later. "Listen, I was wondering if you wanted to go out tonight, dinner and a movie."

"Let me check my schedule… Sure. Will 6 work?"

"Uh, I was thinking more around 7…"

"That'll be fine too. Is anyone else going?"

"Uh, yeah. Tails and Cream-"

"They'd make such a cute couple! I have to see this!"

"Shadow and Amy, and Rouge and Knuckles."

"Knuckles," she spat. "That Master Emerald loser is going out with that thieving hussy?"

Crap. She knew. "Um, yeah…"

"I'll have to see about this. So, I'll see you at 7."

"Yeah."

"OK then," Tikal said. "Bye!" She hung up.

"Hey Chuckles, your ancestor heard about you losing the Emerald," Sonic said, smirking. Knuckles paled. This couldn't be good.

The clock struck 6:45. A small cuckoo bird thingy flew out, pecked everyone in the skull, and flew back in.

"I gotta go pick up Cream," winced Tails, rubbing his skull. Moments later, they saw the Tornado flying away.

"I'll get Tikal too!" said Sonic, leaving in the Cyclone.

"Time for me to get Amy," Shadow said, hopping on his motorcycle and driving off.

Knuckles growled. He didn't have a ride. Just to be sure, he stomped into the garage. And then he saw the car.

His eyes glittered with excitement.

Sonic and Tikal got to The Strangled Spaghetti Cook fairly easily. So did Shadow and Amy. Tails and Cream were on their way.

"They're so cute!" said Tails, looking at Cream's Chaos.

"Yes, this one is Cheese and this one's Chocola!" said Cream. Okay, more meaningless babble. They all met up at the restaurant and got a table for eight.

"I hope Knuckles gets here soon," Sonic commented, and then, as he looked through the window, his eyes bugged out of his head. There, sitting in the parking lot, was a sparkling convertible Ferrari with gold rims and green paint job, with gold furry dice in the window and black upholstery. Written across the side in Old English font were the words

KNUCKLES

FEAR THE FISTS

Then, through the front door, came Rouge in a very… _revealing _evening outfit. The whole outfit was made out of about three feet of material and was covered in sequins. And then, dressed in a dark blue coat resembling a bathrobe, with black pants and a black shirt reading I CREATED THE FLOW, dressed in shiny dark shoes and deep blue hat, with a gold-toothed smile and rimless shades, holding a long ebony cane with a tiny replica of the Master Emerald on the end, was Knuckles. He told the staff what party he was with and sat down, putting his feet up on the table and crushing Tikal's salad beneath his shoes. Rouge looked very excited. Tails looked jealous at Knuckles' pimp-ness. Cream looked awed. Amy looked surprised. Shadow looked skeptical. Tikal looked angry. And Sonic looked absolutely enraged.

"That does it!" he screamed, banging his fist on the table fiercely and causing the silverware to bounce into the air. "Where did you get that car? And all those clothes? This isn't possible! How?"

Knuckles raised a gloved fist. Around each spike was a jeweled ring. "Keep peaceful, son. There's nothing worse than a nice get-together becoming a habitat for hasty emotions." He removed his feet from Tikal's salad and pulled another one off of a waiter's tray, handing the dish to her. She seemed slightly less angry.

Sonic, however, was still angry. "But where did you get it all?"

"My brotha Tails here," he said, ruffling Tails' head, "had the grace to get me this ride." He gestured at the Ferrari. "I call her the Emerald Boat. I propose a toast to Tails." Everyone realized that they had glasses of wine at their places, although Tails and Cream had grape juice. "Tails, may you continue to keep the peace. Cars and men need you to form the bond. To Tails, the mechanic wunderkind of our time!"

Tails looked bashful, although he muttered, "I didn't give you that car."

"WAITER!" bellowed Knuckles. The chandelier swayed with the force of his yelling. "Eight plates of spaghetti, please. Meatballs for the men, and cheese for the ladies." He gave all the girls a heart-melting glance. Rouge looked immensely proud.

In the kitchen, Eggman was making meatballs. The evil genius wore a large noose around his neck, made out of spaghetti. "Hmmph! That foolish echidna thinks he's the main pimp around here! Well, I'll show him." Eggman pulled out a Cuban cigar, Best of 1803, and dipped it into a candle. He took a puff, sending a bolt of flame that seared through the air and hit a waiter in the back of the head. Eggman cackled. "None shall stand before my power! Er, I mean, no brotha gon' be cramping my style, fo sho!" He began a gangsta swagger out of the kitchen with the plates, but tripped over the end of the spaghetti noose and almost concussed himself on a trashcan.

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Rev-re-view-rev-iew!


	8. The Strangled Spaghetti Cook, pt 2

Sonic Insanity

Here's the rule, OK? I want one of you to review R Is For Reloaded. Any of you. You just have to either review this or have reviewed this, then review R Is For Reloaded. OK? I'll update then.

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Sonic was still angry over Knuckles' sudden gangsta-ness. "Knuckles, this is preposterous. I still don't get how it happened."

"I remember it like it was yesterday," said Knuckles.

"Knuckles, it was, like, half an hour ago."

"That too," Knux said. "Anywizzle, so there I was, minding my own business, when a rhino comes plowing through the wreckage of…"

"Dinner is served!" said Eggman the waiter, plunking down many plates.

"All right, you fool, that pathetic disguise won't work on us!" bellowed Tikal, jumping up.

"Yeah!" Sonic said. "Time to give up… _Dark Helmet!"_

Knuckles rolled his eyes very coolly. "Please, ma peeps. Is it not clear? This man clearly stands for the organization that is… THE POTATO FARMERS UNION!" Lightning clashed and thunder rumbled. "So, playa hater, I'm rocking styles now. You wanna see how you do against a brotha who's prepared for your game?"

"You idiots!" raged Tails. "It's obviously Eggman! So, you fake spaghetti cook, how'd you get in here?"

"Well," Eggman said, "it all started when an enormous rhinoceros came barging in through the wreckage of my…"

"All right, that's enough," snapped Sonic. "What's your diabolical plan this time, Criscorolls Syrupsucker?"

Eggman began to steam from the ears. "Shut up! This plan tops all my previous ideas! I'll show you the true meaning of evil!"

"Wow, you're willing to acknowledge that your plan is the evil one, or the wrong one," said Shadow.

"You have to achieve unity first," advised Knuckles. "You can't have the cheddar flowing until you get some self-respeck! You think I got the iced-out ghetto blaster with that kinda attitude? You think I run the streets by thinking of myself as the mofo?"

"Knuckles, you don't run the streets, you don't have 'the cheddar flowing' and you don't have an iced-out ghetto blaster," Sonic pointed out. "All you have is a car you reupholstered and repainted, and the only reason you had that car was cause Tails invented it for you…"

"I didn't say I ain't appreciative!" Knuckles said, looking affronted. "Sonic, you ain't stacking the paper neither, so don't be hating."

Eggman pounded Cream's plate of noodles. "Silence! I won't take this! See how you like the power of my…"

Out of the kitchen rolled a large, enormous…

"EGG MEATBALL!" cackled Eggman, sitting atop the rolling meatball and pulling out two cannons.

Knuckles almost died laughing. "You gonna execute yo' plans, fool, you gon' need some better Gats than that. Take it from me."

Just then, a cannonball hit Knuckles in the chest. The smile left his face as he toppled off his seat into a wall.

"No!" Rouge screamed. She dashed to his side.

"No…" Sonic whimpered. "Those physics couldn't be seen anywhere outside of a ridiculous action movie! And we all know where Mecha Scorpion turns for his ridiculous action movie references… THE MATRIX RELOADED! And I'll be damned if I'll be forced through another retread of the Agent Smith fight scene or something similar! That does it, Eggman! You and all your descendants are toast!" With these stirring words, Sonic roared into high gear, his friends following him.

"Rouge…" Knuckles gasped, his breath ragged. 'There's one thing I wanted you to have… though you'll always have my love…"

"What is it, Knuckles?" asked Rouge. "Whatever it is, I'm here."

With a shaking hand, Knuckles passed her the keys to the Ferrari. "Take them…"

"Knuckles, I can't," she wept. "That was always yours."

"I won't be around to use it… Rouge, all I ever wanted to do was make you proud," Knux coughed. "Remember me…" Then he died.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Rouge cried, sobs wracking her body.

"What's the fuss, people?" asked Knuckles, walking through the front door with no sign of being a gangsta.

Sonic managed to restrain his anger for the longest he had ever done so… 5 seconds. "KNUCKLES! You just DIED!"

"Funny… it seems like it, doesn't it? Actually, something like that happened a week ago," said Knuckles cockily. "See, I was just minding my own business when a rhino-"

His eyes narrowing, Eggman attempted to roll over the annoying echidna. Knuckles dodged it, if by 'dodged it' you mean 'relied on Eggman's monumentally poor sense of direction and accuracy.' The mad doctor went flying, and there was a revving sound. Tails had gotten behind the wheels of Knuckles' Ferrari.

The car banked off a table and went off a previously nonexistent ramp. Tails bailed out at the last minute, landing on Shadow's motorcycle and pulling out Shadow's guns. The Ferrari landed on the Egg Meatball, creating a colossal explosion that ripped through the restaurant.

Knuckles was dimly aware of someone shielding him from harm with their body, as he was the slowest. Everyone else was escaping… then fire consumed the restaurant.

"Knuckles? Tikal? Are you here?" shouted a voice.

"I'm here!" bellowed Knuckles, crashing out through the wreckage and narrowly avoiding a rhinoceros. "But she… she's gone… she sacrificed herself for us."

"No I didn't, I'm right here," Tikal said, appearing.

"Tikal! But… then who shielded me from the fire?" asked Knux man.

"I did, but since I don't really have a physical body, it didn't work!" Tikal said. "Look at you!"

Knuckles looked at his body, which was charred black. Yeah, real ghetto all right.

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Review please


	9. Hades, Makeovers, and Elephants

Sonic Insanity

Due to overwhelming support, particularly from Rage Aomori, I have posted another chapter!

Review, please. I know it gets repetitive, but…

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Knuckles was sitting at home, pouting. "This is terrible! My fur is singed and disgusting! How am I supposed to go out in public like this?"

Moodily, he flopped onto the couch and began to watch TV. He went onto the only channel that had less than 5 minutes of commercials left and relaxed. "Hey, Colic the Attention Hog!"

Sonic the Hedgehog blazed up the stairs. "I know you didn't say that…"

"Yeah, sure, get me some popcorn," Knuckles said.

Sonic's eyes went red. "First you ruin all our dates with your acting like a pimp, you get charred ash all over my couch, and now you demand popcorn? You're just sitting there like, well, like a person demanding popcorn, demanding popcorn in spite of all I've already tolerated from-"

Knuckles, getting bored, riffled through a stack of DVDs and began to wing them at Sonic. The blue hedgehog dodged flying discs as if he was born to do so… maybe he was. The flashback intro came in…

Sonic staggered into the temple, running to a meditating priest. "Oh wise man, I have journeyed up the mountain… now will you answer my three questions?"

"Yes, young one," said the wise man, his eyes closed. Candlelight flickered all around them.

"Why am I here on Earth?"

"To save the world," said the wise man.

"Who will I marry?"

"Not Eggman," said the wise man.

"I should hope so," growled Sonic, a vein pulsing in his forehead at the thought. "But oh wise man, what is my destiny?"

"Sonic," said the old man, "you were born with a purpose. But that purpose is not to save the world, or conquer Eggman, or make headlines whenever you so much as blow your nose… One day, a burnt, unwelcome houseguest will take advantage of your enormous DVD collection and throw DVDs at you. It is your fate to dodge them. It cannot be avoided." The wise man fell silent. Sonic raised an eyebrow. The flashback ended.

Sonic realized he was fulfilling his destiny right that moment as he bent backward like Neo in The Matrix to dodge a copy of Big Daddy. "My life has no more meaning… for I have accomplished my purpose!" A copy of Team America: World Police hit him in the face, hitting the floor and shattering into thousands of pieces somehow or other. Sonic's head snapped back and he flew backward, flipping over about ten times before slamming through a piano, out a wall, and to the ground below. "All right- ouch! Whoever started the- oof- elephant stampede out here- ARRRRGH- is gonna get it- EEEEE-"

Knuckles smiled. He always did have a way with elephants. He picked the DVDs up off the floor and continued watching TV.

"_Say," _the TV said, _"are you unsatisfied with the condition of your fur? Refer to Deluxe Makeover Salon to restore your skin to its greatest condition! With tanning beds, leeches and non-toxic dying materials, your fur can be looking better than ever! Call us to set up an appointment, or arrange one in person at our offices in Station Square!" _

Knuckles was intrigued. "Hmm… this could be just what I need. Sonic won't moan and complain like a newborn naked mole rat if I get a nice makeover! Oh, wait, he always does that." He took out Sonic's high school diploma and started writing the makeover information on the back. "OK… just gotta find something to drive now. The author forgot whether or not the pimped-out car blew up or something." He trundled out to the back, whistling a merry tune.

"KNUCKLES!" screamed Sonic at a pitch that could be used on a radar frequency. "I had to fight off a herd of wild elephants, and all because of you!"

"Those elephants were not wild," said Knuckles, opening the door to the garage. "I trained them extensively."

Sonic became so unearthly angry that he turned Super Saiyan… wait, Super Sonic. Yeah, so he turned Super Sonic. He began to glow yellow, glaring at Knuckles.

The echidna hesitated only a beat before disappearing into the garage. "Well, Sonic, that's a pretty impressive display of utter ridiculousness. But it doesn't rival the sheer ludicrous factor of…" He stepped out of the garage and snapped his fingers, creating a flash of light. When the light cleared, it showed Knuckles with about 118 bazookas tied to his arms. "The Shoot-Thingy 8000!"

Sonic's jaw dropped so fast that it became embedded in the ground. "HOLY SH- how in- HOW did you get those? How do they even fire?"

Knuckles grinned. "I have a mental link to them! I can arrange their molecular structure at any level!" About half of the guns began to shift and change, forming what looked like an assault walker. "Prepare to die… Sonic the Hedgehog!"

With that, Knuckles began firing more bullets than seen in all three Matrix movies. Sonic stood, struggling to maintain his shield. The bullets all bounced off. Panting, Sonic fell unconscious through this effort, his fur returning to blue.

Knuckles started to change almost all of the guns into some sort of car. When he was done, he still had about 4 rifles mounted on the front. "Hehehe! It's like Grand Theft Auto, in reverse!"

"How is that in reverse?" asked Tails, stomping out as Knuckles zoomed off. "And where did all my guns go?"

Sonic woke up. "Oooh… that little FOOL! He'll get it!" Sonic took a step forward… and tripped and fell into hell.

"Agh!" he shouted, thrashing in fiery torment.

"Not to worry," said Hades, a bad-looking mofo with a bare chest, black pants, and an enormously long tail. "This ain't any hell, kid… it's hell on wheels!" Somehow, the big flaming cavern rose out of the ground, reincarnated into an object about the size of a bus, and drove off after Knuckles.

"You know, this ain't that bad," Sonic said, snatching some champagne off a floating tray. "Pretty hot crib you got here, Satan."

"Pun not intended?" asked Hades. "And the name's Hades, by the way. Get in the front of the car, we gon' catch that fool." Hades teleported into a burst of embers to the front of the car, and Sonic followed. He pressed on the gas, and the hell on wheels went zooming down the street, knocking cars over in its path. Knuckles looked behind him. He could see Sonic. The echidna's eyes bulged in rage. "No! I must get to the makeover place! Hades can't tolerate elevator music!" How exactly Knuckles got this perception was not clear, as Hades, being an almighty being, probably had a better chance of surviving elevator music than anyone else. "I must drive!" Knuckles drove the car off a bridge, somehow staying in midair for about ten minutes until he finally landed on the other side, seven miles away. "Heh! That devil will never catch me!"

Hades appeared on the street before him and kicked the front of the car. It got pushed in so far that the engine was sticking past Knuckles' ear. Knuckles got out and began to have a fight with the devil himself. Sonic dropped in as well.

"Why are you chasing me?" spat Knuckles. "I didn't do anything wrong!"

"**_Didn't do anything wrong?_**" bellowed Sonic, his voice so loud that nearby earthquake sensors shot up into the 3.5 area on the Richter scale. "You barge into my house with no warning, you force me into some sort of chicken summoning, you don't even bother to look for the Master Emerald after that so I might not have to deal with your presence, you crash my date as a pimp, you get burn marks on my couch, you permanently ruin half my DVDs, you manage to get me mauled by elephants, you scribble all over my high school diploma, you shoot thousands of bullets at me, you taunt me endlessly, land me in hell somehow, and you ask me why you're chasing me?" Sonic's voice was now hoarse from anger and force of yelling.

Knuckles was unfazed. "Well, how about you, Devil? Why are you chasing me?"

"Um… Sonic landed in my home?" asked Hades meekly. Knuckles rolled his eyes and kicked the hell on wheels off the end of the bridge. Hades and the hell on wheels went shrieking to their… well, not deaths, but whatever.

"Sonic, the reason I'm driving out here is to get my ashy fur made over!" Knuckles hollered. "So your precious couch won't get black grit in the lining or whatever! I'm sorry I barged in, I'm sorry I haven't looked for the emerald, I'm sorry I tried to fulfill your destiny! I would never try to hurt you! The elephants… the bullets… just so I could help you! The pimp thing was a mistake, I admit… I don't taunt you that much, and you landed yourself in hell! I'm sorry, Sonic!" Knuckles groveled.

"Why, Knuckles," said Sonic, his eyes glimmering, "I had no idea… I made so many mistakes! Can you forgive me, too? I fell so bad about all the accusations I made…"

"Really?"

"NO!" Sonic roared, kicking Knuckles on the chin so hard that he flew into a dumpster. "You just want me to let you live in my house! In fact, you probably want me to pay for your stupid makeover too!"

"Nah, that's what your credit card is for," Knuckles said, flashing Sonic's credit card and jumping onto a wall where Sonic couldn't get him. He then began to run for the hair salon. Sonic screamed with fury, attempting to run up the wall to reach Knuckles.

The echidna dived into the salon. "Hello, I made an appointment the other day, I'm here for my makeover."

"Of course… what did you say your name was?" asked the bored receptionist.

"I didn't say what my name was."

"All right, what's your name?" she asked.

He read her appointment's book upside down. "Um… Jesse the Dog."

"You don't look like a dog," she said, her hand drifting toward the security pager.

"I know, I don't want to look like one," he said. "I'll need another makeover, just to be perfect."

He knew she thought he was a nutcase, but who cares. "Down the hall, first door on your left."

Sonic, meanwhile, was having trouble scaling the wall. How would he do it? He grabbed some pickaxes and tried to climb. He fell. He grabbed some suction cups. These worked a little better. He peered in the window where Knuckles was getting the makeover. By now, Knuckles' fur was almost completely back to normal.

Rouge the Bat grinned behind her surgical mask. She would get her Knuckles back to his pimp status no matter what! Using lasers, she inscribed a fanciful tattoo along the crescent on his chest and made his eyes more narrow and cool. His fur was still somewhat smoky, and it gave the fur an interesting look. Finally, she put a gold coating on one tooth. If he didn't like it, he could take it off… using Tabasco sauce.

Sonic, seeing this, burst into the room, removing the window pane, jumping in, and then replacing it. "Rouge, I have business to settle with that moron. Step aside."

"No!" she cried. Sonic stepped at her, looking very annoyed.

"Get out the way!"

"No!"

"Move!"

"No!"

Sonic kicked the operating table. Knuckles went sliding off, landing on Rouge and taking them both out. Sonic picked up Knuckles and threw him out the window, jumping after him and trying to punch him.

"Face it, Sonic, you're just gonna have to live with it!" Knuckles said. "I guess I'm sorry, but can't you just let it go?"

"NO!" bellowed Sonic, plummeting to the ground with Knuckles.

They landed right in a large net.

"Police! Get down on the ground!"

Knuckles groaned. Sonic hissed. Amy sobbed.

"Oh, Napoleon!" she sobbed, watching Napoleon Dynamite. "How long must you go without love?"

"Ever take it off any sweet jumps?" Napoleon asked Pedro. She burst into tears.

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Anyway, review.


	10. The Last Chapter

Sonic Insanity

Note: This is not the last chapter. Finally I'm getting some real reviews! Keep them coming!

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Sonic and Knuckles, angry as all get out or some such antiquated saying, were shoved into some police cars and were driven off.

"You're both arrested for destruction to public property," said a policeman. "And I gotta say, boys, the case ain't lookin' too good against ya. You're wearing gloves, for instance! The commonly used item of all thieves and crooks!"

"I was trying to chase him, Your Donut-Stuffed Honor, it wasn't my fault that Hades burst out of the earth and went zooming after him, destroying half the city in his wake," Sonic said.

The policeman hit him. "Another witness, huh? We'll scoop up him and Rouge the Bat later. Plus, it seems Mr. Echidna here has some serious ties to gangsters!"

"That was just because Rouge gave me some sort of terrible makeover!" argued Knuckles. "I don't want my pimp days!" There was a brief pause. "It's the mobster life I want!"

Sonic slapped his forehead until his quills punctured the back of the seat.

"That's partial destruction of a police officer's vehicle!" snorted the cop. "You mobsters aren't getting nowhere!"

"Well, thanks, Knuckles, now His Glazed Highness thinks you're the big Don of the city!" Sonic roared angrily. There commenced a small fight.

They were lugged off to jail. "You can stay here until the trial," the policeman told them. "You get one phone call each."

Sonic made for it first. "I know what to do." He dialed in a number.

"Who are you calling?" asked Knuckles.

"Hello, Rita's Bar and Grill? Yes, I'd like 1200 chilidogs, delivered to the penitentiary… yes, put _the check wink wink _in the 789th one, yes, that's it. I'll write you the check, payable to the jail… pleasure. Goodbye."

Knuckles exploded with anger. "You idiot! We've wasted half of our opportunity to escape on chilidogs!"

"These are special," Sonic told him. "We'll be sure to get out with these! You see, the check is actually a detonator. When we activate it, the jail will explode!"

"Yes, but that doesn't get us free!" Knuckles roared.

Sonic turned purple. "Well, thanks for pointing out the flaw, Knux man."

"Well, what's the alternative, us DYING?" screamed Knuckles. "You fool! I'm going to use my phone call on something productive." He stomped toward the phone and made a call.

"Can you get us out of here?" asked Knuckles into the phone. "I don't feel good, that's why. Well, can you bring me my chap stick?" Brief pause. "But my lips hurt real bad!"

"AMY!" screamed Sonic into the receiver. "Stop forcing Knuckles into your Napoleon Dynamite adventures and come bail us out!"

"She says she'll have trouble raising the money," said Knuckles.

"Well, she better raise it!" said Sonic threateningly. "It can't be more than a couple hundred!"

"She hung up," said Knuckles worriedly.

There was a brief silence, followed by steam slowly trickling from Sonic's ears.

"This doesn't seem that great, does it?" asked Knuckles.

"Doesn't seem that- NO!" barked Sonic. "Now, thanks to you, we go to the trial, almost certainly lose, and spend the rest of our natural lives in prison!"

"What about your great chilidog plan? Did that fall through?" asked Knuckles snidely.

The doorbell rang. Sonic went to the window, where a deliveryman was standing. Knuckles gritted his teeth.

"Here you go," said the guy, handing them a box the size of Kentucky and leaving.

Sonic ate all the chilidogs in .7 seconds, spat out the detonator, and jumped out the window, pulling Knuckles with him. The jail exploded behind them. They flew across the street and landed in another building.

The other building was a jail.

"CURSES!" bellowed Sonic at the top of his lungs. "How is that even possible?"

"Your trial is now," said a guard, coming into the room.

Seconds later, Sonic and Knuckles were in the courtroom. On the prosecution side were the police. On the defending side were Sonic, Knuckles, and their lawyer, Tails.

"I didn't know you had a degree in law," whispered Knuckles.

"Oh, that's easy! With my latest Forge-A-Law-Degree-For-Tails-the-Fox-3000, it's simple!" beamed Tails.

"…You have too much free time."

"All rise for the arrival of the judge," said a guy.

Wearing a long white wig, judge's robes, and carrying a small gavel was Eggman.

"Eggman!" bellowed Sonic. He jumped out of the seat and toward the judge's chair. "You're a criminal! You can't be a judge! You're too biased! And this jury! They're all your robots!"

"What are you talking about? I'm Judge Gilbert!" said Eggman in a poorly chosen fake accent. "And the jury is not robots! They just look that way!"

"Affirmative," chorused the jury in strangely mechanical voices.

"Judge Gilbert my eye!" shouted Knuckles, also getting up.

"I'm holding both of you in contempt of court! 7,000 ring fine!" announced Eggman. "What is today's case?"

"These criminals," began the police officer.

"Objection!" shouted Tails. "A biased opinion! Your Dishonorably Stupidness," he said to Eggman, "my clients are accused of disturbing the peace, destruction of property and such things! They would never! My clients are reasonable and- OBJECTION!" he bellowed at an audience member. "Sneezing out of turn!"

"I say they're guilty!" Eggman said. "Next case!"

"Hold on!" shouted Tails. "First we need to swear in, we need the witnesses, and we need the jury to reach a verdict!"

"Affirmative," the jury said.

"So," said Eggman, "do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but what sounds like the truth to me?"

"Possibly/no/yes/why not/sure/maybe/your mom," responded the various people.

Eggman hit them each over the head with a Bible. "The prosecution must present their case."

"Your Honor," said the police, "you should know from the six bribes- er, donations that you received this morning that we're very responsible people. So responsible, in fact, that we have every right to accuse Sonic the Hedgehog and Knuckles the Echidna of-"

"OBJECTION!" roared Tails. "Not properly specifying the charges!"

"I was going to," snarled the cop. "They are charged with destruction and so on and so forth. May I say, Your Honor, how splendid you're looking this morning?"

"Thank you," said Eggman modestly. "I work out a lot."

Sonic snorted. "Objection! Claiming that the judge looks splendid! Double objection! Claiming that the judge works out!"

"Overruled," said Eggman. "Now, defendants, please state the reason you're guilty."

"My clients are not guilty," said Tails firmly. "Both are known for their heroic deeds. Who could imprison people like this? Your Honor, if anyone should go to jail, it's that fatty in the back row."

"Objection! Claiming the judge is honorable!" Knuckles yelled.

"Objection! Objecting to your own lawyer!" yelled Sonic.

"Objection! Claiming I am objecting!"

"Objection! You were!"

"Objection! Wasn't!"

"Objection! Was!"

"Wasn't!"

"Was!"

"Wasn't!"

"Objection! Not objecting twice in a row!" yelled Sonic. "Double objection! Not bringing Scrabble to jail!"

"ENOUGH!" bellowed Tails. "Your Honor, these furries are completely innocent. In fact, I was planning to build them a cake saying INNOCENT on it this evening. That is all." Tails subtly pressed a button, and the jury box exploded.

"Well, it looks like we need a new jury," he said to the furious Eggman.

"Not to worry," said Eggman angrily. Another wave of robots was placed down, like bowling pins after a bowling ball has knocked another set down.

"Guilty!" they chorused.

"Hah! Guilty!" said Eggman. Sonic and Knuckles hung their heads. "Therefore, the proper punishment is… a 3-ring fine?" His hands shook with rage. "Well, then, pay your 7,003 rings to me!" he said.

Tails somehow converted his law degree into a pile of gold dust and gave it to Eggman, along with a bowl full of pepper.

"Pepper?" asked Eggman. "I didn't want any-" He sneezed, and the gold dust was blown everywhere.

"Oh well, good luck finding it," said Tails, while Sonic and Knuckles vacuumed it all up and put it in a paper bag in the space of three seconds. They walked out, holding the paper bag.

Eggman's screams were loud and long.

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Sorry for the shortness of that chapter, I just thought it was a good place to end it.


	11. A Poor Game Library

Sonic Insanity

OK, this time I mean it. I have not had much time to devote to this fic, so expect very slow updates (maybe one every week or two weeks). I have a lot to do.

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"I knew it!" bellowed Shadow, gesturing meaningfully at their box of video games. "This is the worst collection of video games I've seen outside of Sears! This is ridiculous! Unheard of!" Shadow began to foam at the mouth like some sort of black, spiky suds blaster with red quills. "How could we… this is ridiculous!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Sonic, playing Sonic Heroes. "There's so much variety! And so many!"

"Sonic, every single title in this whole gaming library has the word SONIC IN IT!" roared Knuckles. "Well, except for Knuckles and Chaotix, and Shadow the Hedgehog when it comes out. But this is bad!"

"We need more!" shouted Tails.

"Never! Give _our _cash to _other _gaming mascots? I'd rather die!" yelled Sonic, the controller mashing under his hands.

"Come on, faker-boy, time to go get some REAL games," said Shadow. 

"But where?" asked Sonic as the black hedgehog dragged him off the couch. "There's nowhere for us to get any!"

Tails threw a phone book at him. "Read the Yellow Pages!"

Sonic's eyes darted around the pages. "Hmm… there's one right near here, on the corner of Harris and Oakwood Street… let's go!"

So they piled into Shadow's car and zoomed off. Knuckles, riding shotgun, turned on the radio. Everyone cringed as an enormous blast of rap music shot through the car, somehow blasting the doors open and almost cracking the windows. Sonic's quills were blasted backward by the force of the sound. Knuckles smiled and bobbed his head.

"I ain't saying she a gold digger, but she ain't messing with no broke echidnas," he rapped. "If you ain't no punk, holler we want prenupt, WE WANT PRENUPT-" Tails began to convulse and jitter- "yeah, it's just something that ya need-"

Sonic kicked the radio so hard that it came crashing out through the hood. Knuckles continued obliviously. "-to have, cause when she leave you, she gon' leave wit' half, 18-"

"KNUCKLES!" roared Sonic, his voice somehow rising oven even Knuckles. "Shut up, and put on your headset! Stop the singing too!"

They pulled into the video game station and walked in.

"Hello! How-a are you-a doing?" asked the Italian clerk.

"Yeah, fine," said Sonic. "They seem to have a lot of Nintendo games…"

"Can we get Luigi's Mansion?" asked Tails.

"NO!" roared Sonic, kicking it away. "You can't give in, Tails! I know the lure of fighting ghosts in video games is great… lord knows Knuckles already gave in… but don't do it!"

"Jeez… how about Super Mario Sun-"

"NO!" shouted Sonic. "I know the lure of blasting stuff with water in video games is great… lord knows Amy already gave in… but don't do it!"

"When did she-" asked Shadow, but he decided not to ask.

"Well, then, how about Mario Kart: Double Dash?"

"NO!" yelled Sonic. "Don't fail me now, Tails! I know the lure of racing vehicles with two people is great… lord knows that Big already gave in… but don't do it!"

"All right, Sonic, that's getting really old," said Tails, pissed.

"NO!" yelled Sonic. "I know the lure of saying I'm not funny is great… lord knows the author gave in enough times… but don't do it!"

"They do have a lot of Mario games here," observed Shadow wisely.

"A lot?" seethed Knuckles. "I haven't seen one non-Mario game yet!"

Sonic looked around in panic. The walls were painted with Mario's face. There were thousands of cardboard Mario displays. All the demos were of Mario games. The only non-Mario game, as far as he could tell, was a small, dusty copy of Pokemon XD whatever it is that someone had tracked in on his or her shoe.

"Security alert-a!" yelled the Italian clerk, who they realized was Luigi. He jumped forward, pressed a panic button, and ducked for cover. A team of security specialists vaporized the Pokemon disk and ran out.

"All right, Luigi," hissed Knuckles, hopping over the counter and throttling the unfortunate employee, "what's all this about? We know your racket!"

"Fools-a!" choked the green plumber. "This is-a a Nintendo-owned store-a! You're-a surrounded!"

"But why the emphasis on Mario?" asked Shadow. "That Pokemon disc got shot up."

"You see-a," said Luigi, "we are trying-a to ditch those losers… Geist-a didn't work-a, Battalion Wars-a didn't work-a, and Resident-a Evil's moving-a to the PS2-a! We need to narrow the focus-a, so to speak-a!"

Suddenly, Link barged in, looking very pissed. While he proceeded to beat Luigi up and down the Mario-centric aisles, our four heroes escaped.

"You know, I think we should stop using 'four heroes," said Shadow. "How about, 'the three cool guys and faker."

"Why don't you just say the three cool guys and Shadow, it saves breath and it's the same thing," hissed Sonic.

"How does that save breath? It's the same number of syllables," said Tails.

"Shut up, you two," said Knuckles. "If anything, it will be 'Knuckles and his entourage that he allows to exist in the third dimension out of pity.' But listen up, there's another games store over there. Let's go!"

So they piled in the car and drove off. It was several hours before Knuckles realized something.

"Shadow," he hissed malevolently, "when I said over there, I meant in the state…"

"Oh, sorry," said Shadow sheepishly, turning around. "But you said on Richardson Street, which could have been any-"

"I don't care, just go!" hissed Knuckles.

So they ended up in some store some place. Sonic did a thorough check to make sure it was no Nintendo hideout. It wasn't, and they began to look around.

"No Harvest Moon," said Sonic before Tails had even taken the game off the shelf. "That series is terrible!"

"How about Kingdom Hearts?" asked Shadow. "With some… _editing… _I could make it a Game Cube game!"

"That game's the pits too!" roared Sonic.

Ten minutes later, Sonic was not anywhere close to allowing any new games.

"No! No games starting with the letter T in the title! That includes the word the!" he snapped.

"Sonic, this is ridiculous!" bellowed Knuckles finally. "Basically the only game you haven't outlawed is games of yours!"

"Nonsense! I also allowed Sonic Mega Collection!" shouted the blue fur ball.

"You know what, screw this, I'm checking out what I please," said Shadow. He ushered to Knuckles and Tails. "Come on, guys. Get what you want."

Tails got Star Fox Assault. Sonic was furious.

"Tails!" he exploded. "That's a Nintendo game!"

"Oh shut up, Sonic, the only console we have that doesn't have your toast jammed in the disk drive is a Game Cube!" yelled Tails petulantly. Sonic began devising a plan on how to best clog a Game Cube with toast. "That's Nintendo! Plus," Tails continued, "I like this game!"

"Tails, it's about a fox using all sorts of highly complex inventions, how is that any different from what you do every day?" asked Sonic.

"He goes into space!" Tails said. Sonic snarled but turned away. Knuckles was running down an aisle.

"Heh, hope he crashes into a wall," Sonic snickered.

Knuckles was diving for the last copy of Tomb Raider… which was somehow for Game Cube. Also dashing for it was an unidentified person, his face carefully hidden. They lunged at it. Knuckles' hand grabbed it, and so did the other man's. But his fist went right through it… a spiky gloved fist…

"It's the echidna elder!" yelled Knuckles. "Oh great one, why are you here?"

"Knuckles…" said the guy. "I have something to tell you. Do not be misled by Sonic! Material possessions are not for you. You should be searching for the Master Emerald!"

"Well, I… put an ad… in the classified section," Knuckles squirmed. "But I'll get it back! Honest!"

"Good," the elder said suspiciously. "But now, go to Sonic, and tell him that you must go in search of it!"

"How come? I don't want to," whined Knuckles.

"Why, you blasphemous dog! Take this!" The elder hit him with some sort of curse that left Knuckles on the floor.

"Agh!" Then he stood up. "Hey, this isn't that-" A pie hit him in the face.

"Okay! Okay! I'll do-" Another pie hit him in the face.

"Knuckles," the elder said, "this curse will be upon you until the end of the day for your insolence. If you try to say more than four words at a time, a pie will hit you in the face. Got it?"

"Yes," said Knuckles, and ran off.

The elder laughed, picking up Tomb Raider. "Sucker." He floated away.

Knuckles heard that. "That son of a-" A pie hit him in the face. "Great! It censors my swearing!" Knuckles licked pie crumbs from his face. "Better find Sonic and-" He guarded in front of his face just in time. A pie hit him in the back of the head, sending him sprawling.

_Great, _he thought to himself. _Not only do- _An imaginary pie hit him in the brain. _I hate this!_

Luckily for poor Knuckles, it was late (9:00) and almost the next day, so he bought one of thousands of Tomb Raider games on a shelf and ran to Sonic.

"OK, Sonic, I'm ready," said Knuckles, cringing.

"Good, let's go," said Sonic, eying Knuckles suspiciously.

Shadow had decided to buy Kingdom Hearts. He was arguing with the store clerk.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we have laws against allowing animals to buy our prod-"

"Do you?" inquired Shadow softly. "Well, I'm sure that an exception will be easily made."

"I can't, sir."

"Oh, can't you?" hissed Shadow. "Well, perhaps I can persuade you with an offer. You can let us get these games… _for free," _he added, just for fun, "or you can go on a once-in-a-lifetime cruise… TO PLUTO! Chaos Contr-"

"No! No!" shrieked the clerk. "Have them! Have them! I don't need the money!" He shook with uncontrolled fear.

"Right-o, let's leave," said Shadow, turning around. Knuckles offered some apologies to the clerk, but had to stop when a pie blasted him full in the face and straight out the door.

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Please review, and keep in mind my lack of time to work on these.


	12. Where A Band Is Almost Created

Sonic Insanity

Please review. Sorry about the delay, my Internet was down. And no, it's not just an excuse, it really was.

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Knuckles cheered as the clock struck 12:01, just after midnight. "Yes! The curse is over! Now, to sleep." He began to nap, but he couldn't fall asleep. He could faintly hear an agitating noise. It almost sounded like… music?

Knuckles, grumbling under his breath, walked to all the rooms. Tails was silent. Shadow's was busy with evil laughter.

"Heh-heh-heh, with this flamethrower/harpoon gun/machine gun/bazooka/missile launcher mounted on my motorcycle I'll-"

Knuckles stopped caring and moved on. Sonic's room looked very different. For instant, the door was covered with foamy padding. Knuckles punched it, making no sound. It was some sort of soundproof barrier.

Snarling, he kicked in the door. An enormous wave of sound knocked him over, almost as loud as the one he had unleashed in the car yesterday. Struggling through it, he could see Sonic's room, full of people. The song was some sort of dance beat, and hundreds of people were bouncing and swaying to the rhythm. Sonic was playing MC at the front of the room. Many distinguished celebrities were sipping cocktail glasses.

"_Sonic!" _roared Knuckles so loudly that the speakers exploded and everyone looked up. "_Where did you get all this? Where did everyone come from!"_

"Ah, Knuckles, my good man," said Sonic, rolling a cigar and throwing it at the echidna. Knuckles caught it. "What are you doing here?"

"I _live _here, you spiky blue piece of… of… crud!" snarled Knuckles. "HOW?" He gestured at all of it.

Tails and Shadow plodded into the room, looking just as shocked as Knuckles was.

"All right, faker, how did you pull this all off?" screeched Shadow. "How'd they all get in?"

"I'm having a party," said Sonic, putting his arm around a lovely blonde actress. "I have one at midnight every night. Thanks a lot, Knuckles, now everybody in the neighborhood must be awake."

"Don't be mad at me!" roared Knuckles. "How did you get them all here? Why?"

"Well, being the highly famed and renowned gentleman that I am, it's no trouble to smuggle a bunch of celebrities in here," said Sonic. "Plus, they all want to be in my presence. You can join if you want."

Knuckles stuck the cigar in his mouth. "Eh… for a few minutes. I'm tired."

Shadow began to chat up a couple hot pop singers, and Sonic returned to his seat. Knuckles shoved a cheroot, a cigarillo, a cigar, a pipe, a bong, a hookah, a doobie, nine cigarettes and a Twizzler in his mouth. Passing a flame in front of his mouth, he began to shoot smoke everywhere.

Tails was dancing. He was incredible at it. Even Disco Stu was astonished. Sonic gritted his teeth, trying to figure out how to get Tails to leave before his own dancing skills were eclipsed. A huge nuclear button was pressed. The dance floor exploded. But by then, Tails was being a pimp again. He held a huge platinum cup with diamonds studding it and necklaces hanging from it. Sonic had a great idea. Suddenly a few poles rose out of the floor, on which gyrated women.

"Sorry, adult party only," he said, kicking Tails out. Finally, some peace and quiet…

Suddenly, Tikal, Amy, and Rouge stormed in, extremely angry with their boyfriends. Cream came over, and she and Tails went out for a romantic walk. Sonic began to steam with anger. Ignoring the whining Tikal, he got onto Shadow's motorcycle and drove off for foxboy.

Tails and Cream were almost touching lips in a glorious kiss. Their noses were making contact. Cream's heart fluttered.

Then a hail of bullets, harpoons, cannonballs, mortar shells, missiles, bombs, grenades and jets of flames came swirling at Tails. Sonic, sitting on the motorcycle, grinned.

Then, a seal burst out of the ground, taking the hit and dying. By now, Tails was alert.

"Why are you trying to kill me?" he screamed at Sonic. "I did nothing!"

"My party will never be the same!" roared Sonic, almost running over Tails.

"The only reason that would be true is because you **blew up the dance floor!" **shrieked Tails. "Let's go back!"

"Oh, OK," said Sonic, shrugging.

Since there was no real direction to take this, everyone went to bed, the celebrities went home, and Shadow's motorcycle was patched together with duct tape after Sonic crashed it into an iceberg. Yes, an iceberg.

"Hey, I know!" said Shadow much later. "We need something to do. My game will be out soon, and then what? Nothing. Our next game will be on the next-gen consoles… we need to make a splash in another form of media!"

"Well, if we sign up for a movie deal, things won't work," said Sonic. "They'll probably have Shadow played by Jude Law or something… Tails by some child actor… Knuckles by Vin Diesel or the Rock… me by Matt Damon or Ewan McGregor. I would rather play myself, thank you!"

"And book deals won't work," said Tails. "The last book any of us wrote was not a huge success…" A flashback began.

Knuckles closed his book. "Yes! Memoirs of a Jewel Guardian is 100 percent complete!" He flipped through the opening pages.

"Day 1: I guard the Emerald. Boring, but it will pay off. Practice martial arts. Contact great spirits. Day 2. See Day 1. Day 3. See Day 1. Day 4: Rouge tried to steal it again. Day 5: See Day 1. Day 6: See Day 1. Day 7: See Day 4."

"Remember that?" asked Tails, the flashback ending. "Your sales ranking on was 1,045,298!"

"How about a band?" asked Tails. "I could be keyboard, Knuckles drums, Shadow bass, and Sonic lead!"

"I will not be… second guitar… to that faker!" raged Shadow. "I demand to be either lead guitar or keyboard!"

"I want to be lead guitar!" snarled Sonic.

"Shadow, be keyboard," sighed Tails. "I'll be bass, I guess."

"Isn't there the small obstacle that none of us know how to play anything?" asked Shadow. "I mean, Knux man knows the drums, but that's it."

"OK, never mind," said Tails.

"OK, that was sort of a twist," said Sonic. "So no band for us."

They paused for a minute.

"Look, author-man," snarled Shadow, "why don't you just admit that there's nothing for this chapter?"

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He's right. Please review.


	13. Campfire Stories featuring Murphy Cow

Sonic Insanity

Please review. And seriously, for real, expect a long wait this time.

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They all crouched around the campfire, ignoring Sonic's protests that his carpet was going to burn up. Knuckles roasted marshmallows on his glove spikes.

"Hey," said Shadow in a spooky voice, shining a flashlight into Sonic's eyes so he tripped and fell on a piano. "Want to tell ghost stories?"

"I do!" said Knuckles eagerly. "But little Tails here might be frightened of them…"

"I will not!" protested the young fox. "In fact, I bet I can tell a better story than any of you!"

"I'm sure you can, cough, cough," coughed Knuckles slyly. "But first, my story."

Everyone leaned in. Sonic fell into the piano again.

"So, as most stories do, it starts with a man," said Knuckles. Suddenly a horde of feminists burst in, protesting this sexist remark. "Fine. As some stories do, it starts with a man. A man by the name of… Murphy Bootlicker!" Sonic began trying to put out the fire, but accidentally kicked a log through a window, causing his deck to burst into flames.

"Now, Murphy was a hobo, in San Francisco as it so happens," Knuckles said smugly. "It was getting close to wintertime in San Fran, and winters there are bitterly cold, since they live so close to tropical beaches and all. Murphy's old refrigerator box was getting a little thin and worn, and he needed somewhere to stay for this terrible winter. He didn't know anyone who would let him stay with them, and he had no money for a hotel or an apartment." Knuckles shoved Sonic's autograph book into the fire and went on.

"So his only hope was to commit a crime. Then he would be warm and safe and well-fed in jail, and then he would get out in time for spring. So he went around trying to figure out how to get in jail for a couple of months. Murphy saw a hot chick sitting by a window, and moved in for the kill."

Shadow covered Tails' eyes, for some reason.

"He pinched her behind, hugged her, kissed her, rubbed her legs with his hands, and, erm, did other similarly awful things," coughed Knuckles. "But they were right outside an airport, and all the guards thought he was performing an intimate security check on her. Murphy, angry and disgusted, went into a restaurant and ate a huge meal. He had wine and roast chicken and cigars and such things. Then he refused to pay the bill. But it turned out that he was at a soup kitchen, where everything was free. So Murphy tried that everywhere, but some restaurants wouldn't let him in, some just made him wash dishes, and some were not restaurants after all, but laundromats. So Murphy stomped off, trying something else."

Sonic was trying to put out the fire with water, but it was failing somehow. Maybe it was because the water had gasoline in it. Who knows.

"He broke into a store, but nobody caught him. He tried to steal some guy's coat, but the guy had picked it up in a bar and thought that Murphy was just taking it back. He blew up a warehouse, but the warehouse was full of drugs and Mafia members so they gave him a medal of honor. Finally Murphy, so angry he could barely breathe, decided to hang out in a church." Knuckles' voice took on a sorrowful sound. "It was then that poor Murphy realized what a mess he had made of his life. Tomorrow, he decided, for it was late at night, tomorrow he would get a job in the city. He would be a man again. In the middle of these noble thoughts, though, a cop caught him for sitting on some old lady in the church, and he was arrested after all. So Murphy did not repent and continued to be a hobo. The end."

"That was the worst story I ever heard," said Sonic, who had decided to give up and come listen to the story.

"Well, listen to this," said Shadow. "This is the Fabled Legendary Poetic Tale of Jeremiah the Cow."

Sonic's quills began to bristle. "Jeremiah the Cow," he repeated in a lethal voice.

"Why, yes," Shadow beamed. "Now, Jeremiah the Cow was a well-known criminal in the seedy underbelly of the cow society. He was arrested many times for murder, torture, jaywalking, loitering, littering, and such terrible things. But while he was in jail, it was discovered that he was guilty of none of them. He was only guilty of burglary, which was not among his charges. So they let him free, but then arrested him immediately. But Jeremiah escaped."

"This sounds strangely familiar," said Sonic. Knuckles backed away from him.

"So one day Jeremiah was sitting on a bridge, looking out and pondering his existence," Shadow smiled. "Between his 9,000 arrests per week on average and his failed therapy sessions with a horse named Belinda, his life wasn't going to well. So Jeremiah prepared to plunge off the bridge, thinking that life was terrible and he couldn't take it anymore. But then another cow showed up, one named Casey."

Tails' eyes were glued to Shadow's face. Knuckles was glued to the edge of his seat. Sonic was glued, literally, to the ceiling.

"Casey said, 'Don't do it, Jerry! You have so much to live for!' Jeremiah was so inspired by this that he gave her a hug. Casey was so disgusted that she slapped him, and he fell off the bridge. Casey got everything in his will and everybody, except for some guy that Jeremiah fell on when he went off the bridge, lived happily ever after. The end."

"That was also terrible," said some judging committee that had showed up out of nowhere.

Tails began to tell his story. "Once upon a time there was a giant apple pie…"

In ten minutes, Tails was finishing his story.

"…and he stepped into the closet, never to see the pie again," finished Tails.

Shadow was chortling mightily. Sonic was white-faced and frightened. Knuckles was crying his eyes out.

"Guys, it was supposed to be a romance," said Tails, disgusted.

Suddenly, a rooster crowed. Wait a second… a rooster? Since when was there a rooster anywhere near there?

Unless it was… no… it couldn't be…

Sonic looked out the window. What he saw almost made his heart stop…

THE EGG ROOSTER!

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To be continued. Please review.


	14. The Egg Rooster

Sonic Insanity

Yes, the Egg Rooster. Review. Sorry for the REALLY long break, my computer was at the repair place, I swear.

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Eggman sat moodily in the Egg Rooster, eating a small snack to fortify his nerves. After the 29th stack of pancakes, he took an enormous swallow, adjusted his folds of fat, and spoke into the microphone. "Attention people of Earth! I have the greatest energy source ever created! Surrender or-"

"How'd your karaoke mike get in here?" asked Metal Sonic, putting his feet up on the 30th stack of pancakes.

Eggman ate the pancakes, causing Metal Sonic's feet to slam onto a control panel… which somehow hadn't been tampered with by the pancakes. Metal Sonic's feet landed on a huge lever, causing the Egg Rooster to shoot enormous boxing gloves on springs out of the sides.

"Eggman, what do you want?" sighed Shadow, stepping out of the house.

"Die… or your lives will spared!" cried Eggman.

"OK then," said Sonic, just standing there.

"I meant, surrender and your lives will be spared!" cried Eggman. "My Egg Rooster is the best of the best!"

"Why do you even name your devices after Egg things anyway?" asked Tails. "Eggman was just a nickname Sonic gave you forever ago."

"That's a good point," mused Eggman. "You see, it all started a long time ago…"

"This fic has more flashbacks than the last three seasons of Family Guy," growled Knuckles.

"No, I will simply narrate this one," said Eggman. "You see, I was a fine youth, very athletic, quite smart, and definitely a big social mover." Sonic's ribs began to crack from silent laughter. "I looked very much the same as I did now… well, except my arms and legs were shorter, I had no mustache, and instead of a bald head, I had a comb over and a propeller cap."

Sonic burst out with laughter. "A big social mover? The only thing moving socially for you was the dance floor shaking when you stepped on it!"

Eggman's fists clenched. "Anyway, so that's how I got a career as a pool boy."

"We were asking about the egg thing," said Sonic softly and dangerously.

"Well, then, I don't know," Eggman said. "But I think I saw a documentary on it once."

"How'd it go?" asked Sonic.

"Well, there was this one guy, and he was telling this other guy what to do, then there was the chick that-"

"Eggman, that was The Matrix," said Sonic.

"No, the documentary had more guns," said Eggman, thinking.

_More guns… _Shadow struggled to comprehend this. How could anything have _more _guns than the Matrix? "Explain it more."

"Well, it was all happening in this place, and-"

"Eggman, that was Revenge of the Sith," said Shadow.

"Oh yeah," Eggman said.

"Damn, I'm good," Shadow smirked. Sonic muttered under his breath.

"TO BUSINESS!" roared Eggman. "You will soon meet your death at the hands of my Egg Roost… WHAT?" The machine toppled over. The whole time, Knuckles had been tying the springs of the boxing gloves around the legs of the Egg Rooster. It toppled over with a screech of metal.

"Curses!" Eggman snarled. "I must have forgotten the gas!"

"Eggman, it's because you've fallen over," Sonic said, his eyebrow raised.

"Grr… I won't forget this," stormed Eggman, rolling away as best he could. Finally he realized he had an escape pod thing, so he took off in that, leaving the Egg Rooster to roll down a hill and crush several fast food restaurants.

"That was odd," remarked Tails.

So they all went back inside and began to look through movies. Shadow and Tails started to argue over what to watch.

"But I don't wanna watch that!" whined Tails. "It looks boring!"

"Trust me, Tails, it's not boring," said Shadow nervously.

"Well, any movie with Angelina Jolie half nude on the cover can't be appropriate for me, so you'll just shove me off to my room and-"

"Oh, shut up, we'll watch something else," Shadow spat.

"Knuckles, when are you going to go look for the Master Emerald?" asked Sonic in annoyance.

"Oh, I already got it back," said Knuckles, pulling it out from under the sofa.

"You WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?" screamed Sonic at the top of his lungs.

"Why, yes," Knuckles said, throwing a couple of DVDs at Sonic for old times sake.

"But, but, but, I don't get it! Why don't you go back to Angel Island?"

"I like it here," Knuckles said simply.

Sonic struggled. Which to choose, anger, fury or rage? Hmmm… all four. "That doesn't matter! You have a home, now go to it!"

"Make me," said Knuckles, sitting on the sofa.

Sonic clicked his fingers, and a bunch of nets shot out of the floor and scooped Knuckles up in them. The echidna took out a big jar of hair relaxing-ointment and rubbed it over the fibers of the net ropes. They relaxed so much that Knuckles slipped his way out.

Sonic, cursing fluently in Mandarin Chinese, Swiss, Dutch, Icelandic, English and Canadian, began to hurl balls of energy at Knuckles. The echidna picked up a block of cheese. It absorbed the energy and sent it shooting in a huge shockwave across the room.

"It is obvious," said Sonic slowly, reaching into his robes that he had sprouted mysteriously out of nowhere, "that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of randomness… but by our skills with a lightsaber!" Out of his robes he drew two double-bladed lightsabers and began to spin them around like ceiling fan blades.

Shadow and Tails were still arguing over DVDs. Knuckles reached into his robes and pulled out four lightsabers, one of which he held in his mouth and one of which he held in one foot. They immediately began an enormous duel. Somehow, Knuckles' hands, head and legs were sliced off, but they miraculously reappeared holding lightsabers and continued the fight.

"Well, lightsabers won't work either," said Sonic, tossing them away. Tails had finally decided on a movie and was putting it in. "We'll have to have a battle of words."

Knuckles began to imitate Sonic. "Well, I'm the savior of the known world, despite my cockiness and selfishness, so that's why every game is named after me and me and Tails have to be sidekicks despite our accomplishments. After all, being able to run fast is so much better than protecting the most sacred gemstone on Earth."

Sonic took his turn. "I'm the guardian of some ultra-powerful device. However, I constantly lose it and Sonic always gets it. A few years ago when I lost it, it was because I closed my eyes for about ten minutes while talking to a thief hussy. In the meantime, I'll just intrude on Sonic's property, destroy half of his possessions and act like a pimp half the time."

"Did somebody say pimp?" Glen Quagmire came skidding into the room. "I'll take two, maybe," he said shiftily. "Oh! Giggity giggity! Aw right!"

"Your perverted shenanigans are going to ruin everything!" Holding Rupert in his hand, Stewie Griffin came storming into the room. "Lois will be alerted to my plans!"

Suddenly, everyone was crushed by the Monty Python foot, which had a tattoo labeled TOO MANY FAMILY GUY REFERENCES. When it came up, Shadow and Tails were watching the movie, which happened to be Phantom Menace.

"Jar Jar Binks reminds me of Dick Cheney," said Shadow.

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Please review!


	15. Lord of the Emeralds

Sonic Insanity

Yo, yo, yo, time for another chapter! Please review!

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"Sonic!"

The blue hedgehog was in the kitchen, basting a turkey.

"Sonic!" There was a bunch of thudding noises. Knuckles came trotting into the kitchen. Sonic ignored him. He needed practice for Thanksgiving… even though that was about a week ago.

"SONIC!" Knuckles pulled out a gun and shot about six clips. Sonic screeched and dodged, the turkey getting blown to shreds.

"_What was that for?" _snarled our favorite blue fur-ball.

"…I'm locked in my room."

"You destroy my turkey and part of my kitchen for that?" asked Sonic, disgusted. "You're standing here talking to me."

"Oh yeah…" The red echidna zoomed up the stairs. "Sonic! I'm trapped in my room!"

Sighing, Sonic made his way up the stairs. What did he ever do to deserve such an inconsiderate guest? Even Tails and Shadow weren't this bad. Sonic tried to open the door, but it was jammed tight. Sonic began to undo the many padlocks covering the front of the door. But it wouldn't open.

"Knuckles!" roared Sonic. "What are these chains made of?"

"Diamond coated with Teflon," said Knuckles, sounding gleeful.

Sonic's head almost exploded. So that was where his diamond thug jewelry had gone! And his pots and pans! Knuckles must have melted them down to make chains and intentionally lock himself in… Trying not to burst out of his skin in rage, Sonic whistled. A battering ram hurtled down from the ceiling and smashed into the door. The battering ram collapsed like a beer can in Big's iron grip.

Sonic took out a laser cutter and severed the chains and everything else. But it still wouldn't open. It seemed to be budging, though…

"Hurry up!" said Knuckles, who seemed suspiciously close to the other side of the door…

Sonic pushed the door in, sending it off its hinges. Knuckles had been holding it shut on the other side.

"What was that all about?" screamed Sonic as loudly as he could.

"Chicken and waffles," Knuckles replied.

"Chicken and… _don't give me that! _In addition to everything you've already done, you blow up the turkey, you waste all my jewelry and cooking objects, and then you waste my time on THIS!" Sonic kicked the door. It curled up in the corner and began to whine like a small dog. "I wouldn't be surprised if in a week, you've destroyed everything I've ever owned!"

"A week! Blast, I'm behind schedule," Knuckles moaned.

"Sonic! Your bedroom's coated in cottage cheese!" yelled Tails.

Sonic began to shoot thick jets of steam through his ears. He picked up Knuckles in a chokehold and lifted him off the floor. "That does it! You are not setting foot, paw, hand, tongue or anything you could use to balance your body weight on… like a bicycle or a helicopter… in this house again until you find the Master Emerald and reconstruct your home on Angel Island!"

"Never!" gasped Knuckles.

Sonic was desperate. "Come on! I'll help you look for it!"

"No! Too much work!"

"Pie curse," said Sonic quietly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" howled Knuckles through his rapidly constricting throat. "I'll do anything, _anything!" _He began to cringe and whimper, making a fine duet with the door. They later went on tour as the Traveling Echidna and Possessed Door That Wail Til The Cows Come Home, but that's another story. They even recorded an album.

"Fine! But first, to find the Master Emerald!" said Sonic proudly.

THE LORD OF THE EMERALDS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE INVOLUNTARILY CHOSEN FURRY CREATURES

"The Master Emerald must be taken to the fires of Twinkie Park, only there can it be destroyed," said Rouge, pointing at a large diagram.

"But… but… we're trying to find it, not destroy it," said Sonic. Rouge hit him with a measuring stick.

"So we shall be the Fellowship," said Big, dressed in wizards' clothing.

So they re-enacted the entire saga, up until Sonic and Knuckles reached the land of Mold-Door where the Shadows lie… well, when they're not standing up, that is. They neared the fires of Twinkie Park, and Knuckles prepared to drop it in.

Suddenly, Knuckles realized what was going on, but by then it was too late. The Emerald tumbled into the magma-filled chasm… and was rescued by Omochao.

"My hero!" cried Amy, Cream, Tikal and Rouge. There were instantly many parades and…

Sonic woke up. Knuckles was packing his bags.

"Tails, it's been nice hanging. Shadow, same. Sonic…" He bent before the waking hedgehog. "Aw, man… I wish I could make up for everything I did. The vandalism… the pranks… the insults… everything. Just want you to know… I'm sorry." Looking sad, he began to move out.

"No!" cried Sonic. He began to run in slow-motion after the echidna, while the typical music played. Knuckles turned around and began to run toward the hedgehog. They embraced.

"Man, I couldn't just let you go," said Sonic, ruffling Knuckles' dreadlocks. "We're supposed to be a team!"

"Yeah, man," said Knux, eyes shining with a combination of happy tears, sad tears, and onion-induced tears. An onion smacked him across the face, but he paid no attention. "And I'll treat you much better!"

"I will too," said Sonic. "Why don't we make a Contract of Friendship?" Somehow making a contract out of onion peels that Shadow was throwing, he offered a pen to Knuckles. The echidna signed it, and so did Sonic.

"Good! Now we're true friends!" said Knuckles.

"Yes, but take a closer look at your contractual obligations," said Sonic smugly.

Knuckles began to read, getting angrier and angrier. Lawn mowing duty… grocery shopping trips… _frozen maple-syrup block igloo making duty… _what? He began to get more and more annoyed, his face turning very red, until finally he brightened. "Ah, but there's one small point you missed…" As an onion struck Sonic across the face, he pointed at a small note in fine print. "No task must be carried out by either participant if either one is hit in the face within 1 hour of the other making this contract." He grinned. "Sorry."

Sonic began to howl in anger and rage.

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R

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Reviekadonasaurus. Yeah, you thought I was gonna say 'review,' huh? Well, that too.


	16. Knuckles' New Car

Sonic Insanity

Review if you dare. Yes, I am back.

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Sonic came bursting in the room, extremely angry. "LOOK! They interviewed me and brainwashed me afterward! I've got no memory of this interview at all!"

"Sonic, that's an interview with the tear factory… um, Jennifer Aniston," said Tails without looking up. "How could you think it was you?"

"Oh… I wondered why the name and picture were wrong… and why they weren't saying anything about me," said Sonic in bewilderment. Tails shook his head in disgust.

"And… it's the hedgehog critics have been raving about!" Shadow skidded into the room. "Yes, Shadow the Hedgehog himself, now available on any box, any station, any cube, and any rectangular prism anywhere!"

NEW! The Sony Rectangular Prism, refracting light onto the next generation of video games!

Shadow put his feet up on Sonic's face and yelled at Knuckles. "Yo, Emerald man! I'll have a sirloin… baked potato… maybe a Pinot Noir…"

Knuckles threw the table at him. "I'm not your WAITER! Speaking of which, I got a new car."

"Oh, crap," said Sonic. "I remember the last new car you got…" Flashback etc.

"Well, here she is," said Knuckles proudly. The outline of the car could be seen beneath a tarp. He threw it off dramatically, revealing… a cardboard cutout of a car. Tails' veins began to bulge.

"Well, it looked real at the dealership," Knuckles explained, while the cutout teetered and fell over.

Shadow looked ominously angry, drawing out a machine gun.

"The weather?" Knuckles tried weakly.

"Knuckles," said Sonic, "how much did you spend on that car?"

"Er… we'll put it this way, under 200,000 dollars," Knuckles squirmed.

"How much?"

"199 dollars and 99 cents," Knuckles said, and then he began to run for his life.

The flashback ended.

"Why were you even at Sonic's house then anyway?" asked Tails curiously.

"Well, you see, it's a long story that can best be viewed objectively after a brief-"

"OK, I'm tired of listening, stop talking," Tails said, nudging Knuckles.

"So, you wanna see the car?" said Knuckles. He took them outside, while Sonic grumbled about the pimped-out car Knuckles had gotten before.

"Behold… the Dodge Echidna!" The car was revealed, and it was a beauty. It took Sonic's breath away (forcibly, through a ventilator tube). Shadow was impressed. Tails whistled.

"So, where do you wanna go?" asked Knuckles.

"How about the swimming pool?" Sonic said. "It's cold this time of year!"

"Sonic, isn't that a reason NOT to go to the pool?" Shadow asked.

"Um… your mom," Sonic said.

They piled into the car, Sonic calling shotgun.

"No way, I get the artillery!" pouted Tails, gesturing at the huge bazooka Sonic was touting.

Knuckles was suddenly struck by an idea. Shadow and Tails were getting in, and Sonic was locking up the house. As Tails and Shadow got in, Knuckles pressed the pedal and zoomed off. Sonic was left in the dust as the car zoomed off at high speed. Growling, Sonic ran after it, catching up with the back bumper soon.

"Drat," muttered Knuckles. He began swerving around the road. Tails was anxious. Shadow was laughing. Sonic was furious.

Sonic, with his incredible speed, was catching up. Shadow took out an anvil and flung it into the road. Sonic was almost flattened. The blue hedgehog was so angry that he turned into Super Sonic right there and then. Shadow gulped.

The now-yellow hedgehog jumped at the car, but was knocked out of the air when Shadow threw a golf bag at them. Object after object rained out of the back, which Super Sonic barely dodged in the nick of time. Finally, Super Sonic picked up a moose that Shadow had thrown, and flung it into the path of the car. It swerved around it, and in that moment Super Sonic jumped into the car.

"_What the halibut are you DOING?" _he screamed as loudly as he could into Knuckles' face. Dreadlocks went flying everywhere.

"We had to get away from the cops," Knuckles said, trying not to laugh.

"Get away from- _there WERE no frigging cops!" _bellowed Sonic, returning to regular Sonic. "Knuckles, I refuse to allow you in my house anymore! OUT!"

"I'm not in your house, you're in my car," replied Knuckles, his eyes on the road.

Sonic, temporarily at a loss for words, turned on Shadow. "Why were you throwing stuff at me, you faker?"

"Well, first of all, I haven't stolen your identity, so no need to call me faker," Shadow grinned, making Sonic turn an unhealthy shade of red. "Secondly, we… er… we needed to throw off anything that would weigh down the car. You didn't see those cop cars."

Sonic's quills began to spark with electricity for some reason. "Don't give me that bull! There were no cops and you both know-"

Just in time to interrupt a fight that would have undoubtedly involved nachos, the moose now lying in the road, and a long discussion on the relative benefits of communism versus socialism, a police car slammed into them. Shadow took out his gun and began firing. The police car swerved into a stop sign and fell off a cliff… even though they were on a regular suburban street. But more police cars were coming.

"What did I tell you," said Knuckles, hiding the Police Car Summon-O-Matic 2500 behind his back.

Shadow hopped out of the car and took a karate stance. His arms traced the air like a calligraphy brush on a scroll. He prepared to punch down on the hood of the upcoming police car. His fist tightened. His mouth set in a firm line.

Shadow punched the police car, hopped around in pain while clutching his fist, and was promptly run over six times. Somebody came up to the flattened Shadow and shook him until he appeared three-dimensional. Shadow took out a house key, ran back to Sonic's house, and went inside. He couldn't even remember where they'd been driving anyway.

Tails jumped out of the car and held out some kind of electronic device. A huge energy shield shot out in front of him. The police cars drove through it and ran Tails over. The disgruntled foxboy flew to Sonic's house. He had nothing better to do anyway.

Knuckles jumped out of the car, leaving nobody driving (even though the car was still going for some reason) and stood in the street. He jumped into the air, landed in one of the cars, and began beating up everyone inside… or at least trying to. One of the policemen tossed him out, and he began to run back to Sonic's house. He had insert excuse here.

Sonic sat in the car, wondering how it could possibly be driving, when suddenly a very solid looking brick wall appeared on the horizon. Sonic jumped out of the car and ran off on the sidewalk, past the police cars.

"Suspect on sidewalk, should we pursue?" said one policeman to another through a radio.

"Negative, suspect has not attempted ridiculous action movie cliché, no target," said the other.

Knuckles' new car smashed into the brick wall and exploded, as did all the police cars.

Three minutes later, Sonic came staggering into his house. Knuckles was sitting around, telling a story.

"… and so then I said, 'Well, you lost that camcorder?' And he says, 'Yeah, but this time, the moose wasn't around!" Tails began to crack up. Shadow wasn't around. Knuckles looked over at Sonic. "Oh, hey landlord. Glad to see you."

All Sonic had was a grumble, and he flopped down on the couch.

"Cause if you looking for me I'll be on the block, with my thing cocked possibly sitting on a drop now, cause I'm a rider, yeah, I'm just a soul survivor…" hummed Shadow… and somehow managing to hum words.

"I'm not going to have that overplayed garbage in this house," said Sonic, looking through drawers for something.

"Is your man! On the floor? If he ain't! Let me know!" Shadow jammed.

"It's no hope, Sonic," said Tails sadly. "He's clearly been over on the set of Omochao's Revenge, where such jokes were the basis of entire pages…"

"Shake your Laffy Taffy, your Laffy Taf-" Shadow was cured with a prescription of getting-kicked-by-Sonic. "So, what do you want to do?"

"Let's play poker," suggested Sonic, who had found a stack of cards.

So they all got their cards and began to bet.

"Well, I'll bet 30 dollars," Sonic said.

"I'll bet… say… that piano over there," Knuckles said.

"What? That's my piano!" yelled Sonic.

"I'll see your piano and raise you that computer," Shadow challenged.

"My iMac!" bellowed the blue hedgehog.

Up and up the betting went, from iPods to cars to house insurance to the actual house. Finally Knuckles accepted Shadow's bet of Sonic's credit cards, while Sonic silently sobbed in the corner. Tails was awkwardly trying to comfort him. Both Knuckles and Shadow revealed their hand. They both had four aces.

"Cheater!" yelled Knuckles.

"Credit card thief!" cried Sonic.

"Liar!" bellowed Shadow.

"Paris Hilton!" shouted Tails. "Next chapter, Sonic sits on a chair. Does he have what it takes to get up? Stay tuned to find out."

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Yeah, thanks for the kind reviews, and keep em coming. But I don't mind a good flame once in a while.


	17. Some Other Characters

Sonic Insanity

Yo, this is my mad review rap!

I enjoy constructive criticism, especially from you

So R-E-V-I-E-W!

Thanks. By the way, thanks someone, that is what I meant. When I wrote 199 dollars and 99 cents in the last chapter, I meant 1,999 dollars and 99 cents.

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Now, from author to (re)viewer, you may have noticed that there has been quite an absence of outside characters for a while. In fact, the last one was Eggman in chapter 14. Well, no more. Here is a day in the life of several other characters, less known than others.

**Part 1: Cream's Cliché-Ridden Shopping Trip**

Note: To spare the reader, there will only be clichés and grammar errors here, no spelling catastrophes.

So Cream is sitting at home one day, and she thinks, "LOL I'm like too bored!" So she calls up her friend Amy and says, "Amy does you want to go shopping for stuffs with me?" "Sure!" Amy says LOL!

So Cream and Amy calls up their boyfriends Sonic and Tails and they say yes they can go!

So they go shopping and they find what they want and there's even some romance! You see Sonic gets bored of shopping like men are supposed to but then Amy runs after him and its all better!

OK, the end. That was terrible.

Part 2: The bird from Sonic Adventure DX 

Little was said about the bird who carried a Chaos Emerald in that game. Some thought that his conflict with Zero the robot originated from an ages-old territory dispute in the playground sandbox. Others said that he had insulted Zero's mother. Others speculated that the bird was an incarnation of Tikal or a guardian of the Master Emerald. But all such theories were wrong.

The bird's name was Boris Gregorovitch, the most lethal assassin in all the Russian Mafia. He'd put more people in cement shoes than the factory workers at Stonecrafters Ridiculous Footwear. The bird thing was just a disguise to make him seem cute and innocent (he was really a cold-blooded bunny rabbit). One day he wasn't doing much unusual. After his morning routine of gunning down shady-looking pieces of gum stuck to the bottom of bus seats and stealing shopping bags from little old ladies, he got to work. The Big Boss, who was always hidden by the back of a chair in which he was sitting, was waiting for him. Boris was the only one who knew that the Big Boss was actually just a chair. He stepped into the room, and the Big Boss chair began to speak.

"Da, Boris, comrade, we need you to take care of a matter of business."

"What type of business you be talking about, comrade?" inquired Boris pleasantly, putting his feet up on the phone.

"You see, Amy Rose, she be interfering with the Sonic-Sally shippers on the East Side of Moscow," said the Boss, drinking vodka. "They have asked us to take care of her, the capitalistic pig-dog monkey swine. You go undercover. Our good comrade Mikhail Gabrelovic will help you out." Mikhail, who would later go undercover as Zero the robot, rolled in. "You will pretend to be chased by Mikhail. Amy take pity on you. You will be close to her, you will get chance to attack!"

"So, how much is my fee?" asked Boris. The phone rang under his feet and he kicked it through the wall. The Big Boss scowled.

"We pay you in jewel that my pool boy found in gutter with leaves and stuff," the Big Boss said. "Possibly worth more than nothing. Good solid cash, da, comrade?"

Gritting his buckteeth and ruing the day he ever signed up for the dress-like-a-bird division of the Mafia, Boris nodded his rabbit head grimly.

The rest is history.

Part 3: Team Chaotix and their amazing fun times 

It was that time of time again. On the last Saturday of every month, Charmy would get to go to Twinkie Park. And Vector and Espio would chaperone him. Mighty used to as well, but he fell into a giant vat of penguins that had been cleverly concealed in plain sight (that explains why he wasn't in Sonic Heroes again). However, this kind of thing wasn't too good for Espio. The reason he was so calm was because he had managed to suppress his anger. After a visit to a therapist, his anger and rage came pouring out, all because of an incident in second grade involving substituting his teacher's car for a small top hat. Now the slightest disturbance would set him off. Vector tried to help, but Charmy was oblivious to this.

"Wake up wake up wake up Espio it's time to go to Twinkie Park!" yodeled Charmy, bouncing up and down on Espio. The chameleon opened one eye and began throttling Charmy.

"_Charmy you no-good little scamp!" _ snarled Espio, letting go. "I thought we agreed on no-earlier than 7:00!"

"It's 7:30," gulped Charmy, massaging his throat.

"Well, why doesn't it say that on my clock?" growled Espio.

"You don't have a clock anymore, remember? You shot it," Charmy grumbled.

"Oh yeah… now all I have is this stupid hourglass? What the deuce! I'm not having any bloody hourglass!" shouted Espio, throwing it through the open door. Sand spilled everywhere as it shattered on Vector's broad back. For some reason, Espio would frequently speak in tongues when he was upset (tongues meaning British slang).

Vector controlled his temper and continued flipping pancakes. In several seconds, he stopped. "Breakfast is ready!"

"Well, I'm not!" shrieked Espio. "I'll be darned if I'm eating any crocodile breakfast! Blimey, man!"

Pancakes, orange juice and omelettes were crammed down Espio's protesting gullet, and they shipped off to Twinkie Park.

Four hours later, Espio looked like he could chop someone's head off with his pinky finger. He was covered in candy that Charmy had spit at him/forced him to carry, his face was windblown and at an angle from the suicidal rides that Charmy had forced him to ride, and his eardrums were sore from listening to Charmy whine about everything.

"I want purple cotton candy!" whined Charmy, eating a huge stick of purple cotton candy. Espio, snarling, bought him another stick. "I said I wanted green, you fool!" screamed Charmy, kicking Espio as hard as he could in the ear. "You're being _mean _to meWaaaaaaaaaa-"

Espio had endured about ten thousand of these incidents in the last three minutes, and he was tired of it. He dropkicked Charmy into a huge inflatable tent, which punctured because Charmy landed on his stinger. Many happy children were buried alive, including Charmy.

"Espio! We gots to save the kiddo!" roared Vector.

"It's too late, Vector… we tried our hardest but nothing can be done…"

"We aren't doing anything! But we have to!"

"I'm sorry… but he's gone now," Espio said mournfully. "There's nothing that can be done."

"Well, I got myself out, no thanks to you losers," snarled Charmy, digging himself out. Espio turned red with rage… or maybe just cause he felt like it. After all, he is a chameleon.

Part 4: The action-packed climax 

He had always been overlooked. No one had ever appreciated him for the invaluable help he had given all the Sonic characters. When Sonic had been claiming all the credit for uniting them as heroes, this little fella had done more than anyone to assist each and every team member on their path to harmony.

But there was a price to pay, and it involved death. They were coming for him, for although the Sonic characters appreciated him, there were an equal share of fanatical gamers who would stop at nothing to kill. They wanted blood.

Omochao's blood.

Station Square was a sad reminder of what it once was. Billboards fell into flaming wreckage, car alarms whooped, and shattered glass littered the ground. Light bulbs around the casino were blown out, and people were screaming. All this for him…

Omochao had a thousand wounds. He was hiding behind a car, with no weapons, waiting for the enemy. They knew where he was, and unavoidably, they would soon throttle the life out of him.

No, better to end it now.

Fanboy Jim, a nerdy type with a pocket protector, muttered into his walkie-talkie. "Negative, Gamer Man… that noob must have been pwned."

"Fool!" hissed the evil warlord Gamer Man, only distinguished from the others by the fact that he had actually had had a girlfriend at one point. "How many times must I tell you to speak in ultra-secret leet code over open lines?"

"Oh, sorry," said the shamed Fanboy Jim, this time in leet (I don't feel like writing all that out). "I'll go check it out…"

Omochao stepped out from around the car as a falling brick smashed into it. "I'm here, Fanboys. Leave the civilians out of this."

"Mr. Anderson," said Fanboy Bob evilly.

"My name isn't Anderson…" said Omochao dramatically. "It's…" Suddenly he realized how to avoid a fight. "Hangulor, Chief Mage Rider of the Ensorcelled Legion!"

"Oh my god!"

"The ultimate master of EverQuest!"

"How could we have attacked you!"

"Forgive us! Don't pwn us when we're online next time!" The fanboys began to grovel in the dust, mistakenly believing Omochao was their online RPG hero.

"Not to worry, just a mistake… but don't let it happen again, or I'll summon a Godmode Orc Battalion faster than you can curse in Elvish!" With that, Omochao disappeared.

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Please review, pretty please… and happy holidays!


	18. Getting A Christmas Tree

Sonic Insanity

Time for a little festive Sonic. Please review. Oh yeah, and Tweedle, about Knuckles' endless stores of cash… Also, I've recently made a Harry Potter forum, check that out. I might make a sequel, but I'll probably just keep this one going for a long time. If not, I'll take a break for other projects, but then I'll do a sequel.

Oh yeah, and Ellie, I don't want to sound annoyed, but if I get one more review with the words "Interesting chappy" in them, I'll…

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It was that time of year again. Snow lay in a peaceful cover over the ground. Hot cocoa and eggnog were being consumed. Shadow's ear muffs, minus the wire band that held them together, had been made into "furry hockey puck slip covers" by Sonic, who was in turn accused by Knuckles of being a hockey-loving igloo-building Canadian, which later resulted in a fight that shook the earth… or maybe just a couple of twigs. But that's another story.

Tails was merrily sucking on candy canes in the corner. Shadow was staring moodily into the fire, angry that his stocking was somehow a teleporter to Sonic's stocking (work that one out). Sonic and Knuckles, very amazingly, were having an argument.

"I'm just saying that 50 Cent is not Christmas music!" bellowed Sonic, blue in the fur… oh wait. "And neither is Jay-Z, or Snoop Dogg, or Eminem, or Kanye West, or The Game, or Ludacris, or Usher, or Dr. Dre, or Will Smith, or…" Sonic temporarily looked sick to his stomach. "…_D4L, _or T-Pain, or Akon, or Ying-Yang Twins, or Nelly, or Juelz Santana, or Lil Wayne, or Young Jeezy, or Bow Wow, or Mike Jones, or Fat Joe, or Trick Daddy, or Lil Jon, or whoever the hallmark it is who sings that ridiculous 'Your Body' song, or…"

"Sure it is!" snarled Knuckles, red in the face… oops. "They promote peace on earth, good will towards men during the holiday season!"

"_Peace on earth, good will towards men?" _screamed Sonic, all of his veins throbbing. "I assume that would include 'I'm Gonna Bust a Cap on Any Haters Who Come Round the South Side,' or 'Shooting At Hookers Out of My Low Rider While I'm Stoned,' or…"

"Shut up! They're still good music for Christmas!" Knuckles hollered. "And hookers aren't men, so good will towards men doesn't apply!"

"Well, they are men in faker's case," sniggered Shadow.

"Put a sock in it!" screeched Sonic. "How is that music possibly Christmas-themed?"

"Simple, I'm playing it during Christmas season," Knuckles grinned, much to Sonic's rage.

"Where do you get all that money anyway?" asked Tails in disgust. "Thousands of rap CDs, two cars, all kinds of dreadlock treatment…"

"Well, you see," said Knuckles nervously while a female hairdresser gently styled his dreads, "I was sorta broke for a while, cause I have no source of income… so I started to sell things."

"WHAT kinds of things?" asked Sonic in a voice teetering on the brink of utter chaos.

"None of your stuff!" said Knuckles hastily. "Just… er… the… Chaos Emeralds?"

Sonic turned around and punched Knuckles in the face so hard that he flew through the wall. "_The Chaos Emeralds? _Knuckles, what was the point of Sonic Adventure DX?"

"To get the Emeralds…"

"And what saved the world from Metal Sonic in Sonic Heroes?"

"The Chaos Emeralds…"

"And what did faker spend his entire game searching for?" howled Sonic.

"Um… uninspired answers to his uninteresting and clichéd past?"

"Besides that!" screeched Shadow, beside himself.

"The Chaos Emeralds."

"And now, just to earn yourself some cash that would just be blown on crappy hip-hop and useless cars," growled Sonic, "you sell the Emeralds, which we have all worked so hard to find?"

"Um… I blame the present government," Knuckles was quick to say.

"Knuckles, that is IT!" bellowed Sonic. "That contract is null and void-"

"And was the instant you get thwacked upside the head with an onion," sniggered Knuckles. Sonic punched him through another wall.

"Don't start with me! You are BANISHED from this house for the rest of eternity! No exceptions!"

"Why, what are you going to do about it?" sneered Knuckles.

"Pie curse," grinned Sonic.

Such was Knuckles' fear that he didn't realize that Sonic had no way of carrying this threat out. "NOOOOOOOOO! I'll be good! I promise!"

"Oh, FINE!" snarled Sonic, kicking Knuckles like a Chao wrapped in twine. "But if you put one toe out of line, you're out!"

"_Guys!" _yelled Tails. "Why don't we go shop for a Christmas tree?"

"Sounds good," said Shadow in relief. "They only have crappy Christmas specials on TV anyway."

So they all piled into Tails' plane, the Tornado, and zoomed off to the Christmas tree lot. Little did they know that a certain egg-shaped character was waiting for them.

"Why, in this layer of green paint I look just like a Christmas tree!" declared Eggman, trying to remain as still as possible. "No one will ever know the difference!"

"Look Mom, it's some fat guy dressed in green!" squeaked a little girl. Eggman sat on her and that was the end of that.

Knuckles, thankfully, had quit his Christmas rap, but now he was _singing _ Christmas songs, which was slowly making Sonic more and more angry.

"Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock! Jingle bell ring and jingle bell swing!"

"Would you like us to turn on the radio, Knuckles?" asked Tails politely. Sonic cracked his knuckles.

"We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas…"

Sonic began to smolder. A light bulb appeared over Shadow's head.

"I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus under the mistletoe (yes, this is a real song)- what?" Shadow leaned over to whisper something in Knuckles' ear. "Oh, all right. Ahem! I saw Sonic's mom kissing Santa Claus under the couch last night-"

"_Prepare to die!" _screamed Sonic, his eyes blood red with fury. They began a very violent fight, and Shadow weakly attempted to distract horrified children.

"Um… look at me! I'm Jolly the Super-Duper Black Hedgehog!" he said feebly, doing a little dance.

"Who's he?" asked little Billy to wee Sally.

"Oh, he's the bad guy from the Peanuts Kwanzaa special," whispered Sally.

"The Kwanzaa spec- there never _was _a Kwanzaa Peanuts special!" howled Tails, and a fight began. Shadow put his head in his hands.

Just then showed up the Christmas tree salesman, Candy Cane Al. Dressed in plaid wool, he did not resemble the kindest of Christmas saints, particularly with the large hacksaw he had slung over his back. In fact, he resembled some kind of Scottish serial killer.

"Hello sir," said Sonic, briefly looking up from his fight with Knuckles. "My pointlessly more violent and dark alter ego will handle business matters…"

"Nah, I'll go and help Shadow too," said Tails, punting Billy off in the other direction.

This was it. It was enormous and very inexpensive (just like Rouge liked her breast surgery). It stood taller than anything else visible for miles around (just like Eggman liked his inventions). It was green and bushy and prickly and just begging to have ornaments hung on it (just like Tails liked his haircuts). It was the perfect tree.

Or it would have been, if Eggman hadn't been sitting behind it… or should I say…

The Egg Christmas Tree!

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Review- review- review- happy holiday- review!


	19. The Egg Christmas Tree

Sonic Insanity

Check out my forum please, and review. Yes, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Sorry, clan rH, I couldn't include your idea.

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The Egg Christmas Tree shook as Eggman let out a milk-curdling laugh. "Bwahaha! Looks like it's the end for the Sonic crew!" It began to charge up a huge laser, and then shot it at the ground. Knuckles courageously picked up the car and threw it into the path of the laser.

"Drat! How could I forget that for some reason, my lasers can destroy the moon but not a car?" bellowed Eggman in frustration. "Well… eat this!" The machine began picking up Christmas trees and flinging them wildly around.

Tails jumped into some kind of ridiculous anime mechanical robot suit and began shooting more bullets than seen in all the Rambo movies. Knuckles dodged a huge evergreen and yelled over at Sonic. "Sonic, if we don't make it out of this, I'm just sorry that I never let you have the gravy at dinner!"

"And I'm sorry that you'll have to deal with that, once we get out of this!" roared Sonic. "Now, let's try to trip it!"

"TRIP IT?" screamed Shadow. "What is this, Empire Strikes Back? How are we supposed to trip that thing?" He pulled out a katana and sliced a Christmas tree in half.

"Let's untie its shoelaces!" said Sonic, gesturing toward the Converse All-Stars that the machine was inexplicably wearing.

So, while Tails created a small diversion by blowing up a quarter mile of Christmas trees, Knuckles crouched down and began to untie the Egg Christmas Tree's laces. It staggered around and fell over. Everyone got together and pushed it through the netter. Within seconds, the Egg Christmas Tree was smothered in netting.

"Hah! This isn't the end!" shouted Eggman, launching an escape pod. It blasted through the netting… and flew away, leaving Eggman in the Egg Christmas Tree.

"Oh," he said. "Maybe I should have gotten into the escape pod first…"

"YOU THINK?" shouted Sonic, maddened by the doctor's stupidity.

A bunch of police came up and arrested Eggman. He was carried off screaming.

So later the next day, everyone was just sitting around.

"I know!" said Tails. "Let's go to the movies!"

"What is there?" asked Sonic interestedly, chomping on some kind of x-treeeeeeeeeeme cheese snack.

"Syriana, Chronicles of the Longest Title Ever, King Kong, 50 Cent," said Shadow.

"That sounds good…" mused Sonic. "Hey, Knux, if you don't show up in the Pimpmobile, we can bring our girls."

"Sounds good," said Knuckles, already forming his scheme for another ride.

So, all the chicks were available, and everyone went out to pick them up. Going to the mall, all of them (Knuckles and Rouge were late) stared up at the screen.

"Hmmm… how about Chronicles of Narnia?" suggested Cream to Tails. They went in.

"Two tickets for Chronicles of Narnia," Tails asked.

"Oh, aren't you just the cutest thing!" gurgled the ticket vendor. Tails, his teeth grinding, blew up the ticket stand and walked in with his date.

"I'd like to see Syriana," Shadow mused.

"Oh, I dunno," Amy said slyly. "I think the Family Stone might be good…"

"What? Hell no! I'm a man! I'm not doing that chick flick horse sh- oh no," he muttered as Amy took on the appearance of an angry goose.

"Little Mister Bad Boy just got emasculated to the nth degree," whispered Sonic, knowing very well about Amy's fits.

Several minutes and one explosion later…

"All right! All right!" growled Shadow. "We'll see it!" Sonic and Tikal had already gone off to King Kong. They went in.

But little did Sonic and Tikal know, that hiding in the theater was the dreaded Fanboy Billy seen in Chapter 17. And if King Kong wasn't enough, then nothing would make him happier than Sonic and Tikal at the theater… an autograph-filled, leet-translated scheme entered the Fanboy's head.

Quickly he told his plan to his superior. "This is an amazing plan! I can get Sonic's signature!"

"Bah! I could think of a better plan with my hands tied behind my back!" barked the leader. Billy simmered with annoyance at this random remark. "But it'll have to do. Quickly now!"

"Excuse me, sir," said Billy, approaching Sonic, "can I have your auto-"

Sonic assumed that Billy was talking on a cell phone to someone, and he kicked the fan boy out of the theater.

"NO! Our plans are RUINED!" roared the leader.

"What about all your amazing other plans?" sneered another fanboy.

"Er… traffic was bad," said the leader in embarrassment, hanging his head. The fanboys shook their heads in unified disgust.

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Happy Holidays, everyone! Review!


	20. Enter Omega

Sonic Insanity

Almost New Years, everybody! Thanks for everything, on the 20th chapter. The first version of Sonic Insanity reached 26 chapters. If we reach there, and we get 150 reviews, there'll be a little treat, 'k? Keep em coming! I don't doubt we'll get it.

Editor's Note: We recently discovered that several viewers were unhappy about the highly explicit content in this feature (aka the issue over Sonic's virginity in the first chapter). What we found shocked us after we made a deeper investigation. The author, Mecha Scorpion, had smuggled constant references to sex, violence, drugs and swearing into this T-rated fanfiction. For example, in several chapters it implies that characters were dating. In other chapters, Sonic and Shadow have fought each other and belittled each other with harsh language. This was completely unacceptable and we have carefully censored this fanfiction for the sake of younger viewers.

OK, seriously, ShadowGal, I can't help but be me, but I'll try not to have such content.

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Sonic was playing more video games, this time Shadow the Hedgehog. He winced openly at the game play flaws. "This is ridiculous! Eggman's latest scheme for world domination has a better plot than this piece of crap! These graphics resemble a chipmunk tracing a toddler's doodles, the music is somehow worse than Knuckles' hip-hop, and the gun targeting is less existent than Mary-Kate Olsen's work ethic! Something has to be done. SHADOW!"

The black hedgehog came cruising in, incinerating the carpet with his jet shoes. "Yes, faker?"

"I don't have that kind of patience! Your game is terrible! TERRIBLE!" howled Sonic. "Look at this! What kind of compelling good-vs-evil decisions are these? Destroy the temple jewels? Find the Chaos Emeralds? BLECCH!"

Shadow, amazingly enough, was not taking kindly to Sonic's verbal abuse. "The plot is amazing! There's tons of anguish and drama and… um… epic fight scenes!"

"Epic fight scenes! Some Lord of the Rings this is! These soldiers die in ONE SHOT!" screamed Sonic, the controller slowly turning into pulp in his clenched hands. "These aliens die in two! You could have a fight between two cats with all their legs missing and it would be more compelling than this crap! So what's your excuse for the graphics?"

"They're fine graphics! You're just annoyed because you look like a piece of malformed Play-Dough!" argued Shadow. "Which isn't much of a change in your case…"

Sonic went purple. "Well, what about this pathetic soundtrack? I've heard better music from Knuckles' CD player!"

"All right, faker," said Shadow, pulling out his ever-present AK-47, "I've had enough of you criticizing my game, so let's take a look at Sonic Adventure DX, shall we?"

Sonic paled. "It wasn't me! It was… um… Crash Bandicoot painted blue!"

"Now, this game is terrible, for the main reason that I am not in it," replied Shadow, inserting the disk. "But other reasons- the civilian character models might as well be statues, Big and Amy are playable, Chaos looks like a piece of disfigured pulsing ice, the levels are ridiculously clichéd-"

"Ridiculously clichéd? We at least have a little bit of variety!" roared Sonic. "As opposed to yours, which is basically like a checklist. Ancient ruins level… twice? Got it. Cyberspace level? Got it. Outer space level? Got it?"

"As opposed to Sonic Heroes, which is ancient-ruins, city, casino, desert-canyon, forest, old castle, and last boss fortress," sneered Shadow. "Why didn't you just include the snow level why you were at it? Oh yeah, that was in Sonic Adventure DX inst-"

Sonic's eyes turned red and he went Super Sonic, aiming a flying kick at Shadow's face. Shadow blasted him backward with some sort of Chaos power. Just as things were about to get really bloody (Knuckles and Tails were sharing a tub of popcorn), a distinctly bulky form dropped down between them and separated the two strugglers.

"Now, now, violence is not the answer," said Omega monotonously.

"_Omega?" _said Sonic dumbly, his fists dropping. "What are you doing here?"

"How could you be here?" asked Tails in confusion.

"Didn't you fall off the Ark?" mocked Knuckles. Shadow smacked him.

"Thanks to new programming, I have realized that battle never solved anything," Omega replied.

"So who programmed you?" said Knuckles, chewing on a chicken finger. "Eggman?"

"NO DON'T SAY IT," screamed Tails, jumping in the way, but the damage was already done. Omega's gun barrels opened fire on everything associated with eggs in the room. Egg now globes, Eggman bobble heads, actual eggs, egg beaters, omelettes, bird egg shells, and dictionaries with the word "egg" in them were all blasted to oblivion.

"Crap!" shouted some guy in Oblivion, USA, dodging huge numbers of objects being blasted into his country. "I hate this! Why should we be forced to live in fear? Come, my brothers and sisters, CHARGE!"

They charged off to do battle, tripped over the curb, and died horribly by landing on a mattress.

"Riiiiiiiiiiiight," said Tails nervously. "Anyway, so Omega, why are you really here?"

"Everyone knows that peace needs a chance," droned the robot. "Two wrongs don't make a right! Why don't you two make up and spend some quality time together?"

"NEVER!" roared Sonic. "I'd prefer to spend quality time with a… a… an insecticide-flavored burrito salesman than that moron!"

"Well, there was that one date-" began Tails.

"Shut up! Nobody needs you in here, you goody-two-shoes! Now I want to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!" Sonic pulled out a set of nunchucks and began to twirl them around. "Heroes in a half shell!"

"Shell… eggshell… DESTRUCTION!" Omega blared, blasting the shell out of everything. Sonic dodged it all using amazing powers of power-ness. However, Shadow's CD collection was destroyed. Omega walked off, humming.

"NO!" cried Shadow in horror. "All my crappy nu-metal and punk rock! Nickelback, Mudvayne, Korn, Limp Bizkit… waaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Dude, do you even have any musical taste at all?" Sonic sneered. "That's, like, even worse than Knuckles and his collection…"

"Oh, will you just GIVE IT A REST?" roared Knuckles. "What do you hate so much about rap anyway? I like a bunch of different artists, and you hate them all! Why, Sonic?"

"Um… tax reasons," muttered Sonic in a dodgy manner.

"Well, we must go on a quest," declared Tails, wearing a "medieval helmet" that suspiciously resembled a popcorn popping machine. "A quest… for all of us. A quest for Sonic to discover why he hates rap so much. A quest for me to lose this preposterous headgear. A quest for Shadow to rebuild his CD collection. A quest for Knuckles to salvage the remains of his dignity after his voice acting in Shadow the Hedgehog."

"Yeah, it sounded like Bob Hoskins, man," Sonic added cuttingly. He was knocked over when Knuckles threw Tails' headgear at him.

"All right, well, I have no motivation to join this quest anymore," said Tails. "Bye, I guess."

"We'll drop by Build-A-Bear Workshop later," said Sonic.

"…I wanna go."

So, Knuckles, Tails, Sonic and Shadow went into the distance, on a quest for dignity, self-created stuffed bears, terrible rock music, and soul-searching drama. The moment would have been very dramatic if Tails had not taken the opportunity to point out that they had all eaten insecticide-flavored burritos for lunch.

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Yo, yo, yo! Review and don't drive drunk!


	21. Destruction of CDs and People

Sonic Insanity

Looks like it's time for our heroes' quest, eh? Review, eh? I am not Canadian, eh!

AN: About the rating issue: I received a lot of feedback on this. I received a review from a 12-year-old girl stating that she would tell her friends about the fic, "as long as there wasn't much more like the virginity part. The virginity part she could leave without." Most of what I said last chapter was sarcastic, and my answer is the same as before. I won't limit or censor myself, but this fic isn't overly raunchy in nature, so I think you'll be safe.

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"What?" said Tails. "This isn't the fanfic!"

"Nope, it isn't," said Mecha Scorpion, dressed in a game-show host silver suit. "It's that time of year again!"

Everyone stared at him blankly.

"The Music Awards of 2005!" announced the author impatiently.

Everyone suddenly seemed to remember.

"Now," said Mecha Scorpion, looking at some sort of camera which was filming this, "to that guy who I don't like: I dislike you! You know who you are…"

Shadow began to snicker uncontrollably.

"And you!" roared Mecha. "All these accursed fangirls praising you at every opportunity… well, take this!" Shadow was blasted off his feet and fell into a conveniently located washing machine. Sonic pressed the spin cycle and laughed hysterically. Mecha Scorpion gagged him and punted him into a refrigerator, which tipped over from the impact and fell off a bridge.

"Anyway, so here are the awards!" Mecha said, taking a seat. "There are Best Pop Album of 2005, Best Rap Album, Best Rock Album, Best Album, Best Single, and Best Musical Taste! Now, the contestants!"

Best Pop Album:

Breakaway Boo Hoo- Kelly Clarkson

Love Angel Music Something- Gwen Stefani

The Emancipation of Miami- Mariah Carey

My Prerogasomething- Britney Spears

Confessions Something Whatever- Madonna

"OK, I don't know, half of these are probably from 2004 anyway," Mecha Scorpion said. "I really mangled those up."

"Just nominate one of your own for that!" said Shadow, jumping out of the washer and kicking Mecha Scorpion off the bridge they were filming on. "By the way, fans… vote by saying who you want in a review or e-mail. Now best rap album!"

The Massacre- 50 Cent

Monkey Business- Black-Eyed Peas

Late Registration- Kanye West

Curtain Call- Eminem

Who Is Mike Jones? –Mike Jones

"And all the others- vote them if you want," said Mecha, sitting on Sonic's refrigerator.

"Now for Rock Album!" said Sonic, getting out of the refrigerator and fighting Mecha Scorpion for a space to sit.

Hypnotize/Mezmerize by System of a Down

From Under the Cork Tree by Fall Out Boy

Out of Exile by Audioslave

Stand Up by Dave Matthews Band

Make Believe by Weezer

"We interrupt this exercise in poor taste in music to bring you this breaking news," said Shadow. "Vomiting increased 9000 at Sonic's music choices." Mecha was hanging off the side of the refrigerator with Sonic clutching his hand.

"No, Jack!" Sonic said tearfully. "I'll never let go!"

"Bad move," said Mecha, pulling a shark out of the water and hitting Sonic with it. He then threw it at Shadow. "Now Best Single!"

Hypnotize by System of a Down

Since U Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Don't Phunk With My Heart by Black-Eyed Peas

I'm Sprung by T-Pain

Sugar, We're Going Down by Fall Out Boy

We Belong Together by Mariah

Gold Digger by Kanye West

Photograph by Nickelback

When I'm Gone by Eminem

Stickwitu by Pussycat Dolls

Laffy Taff-

"I can't bring myself to finish it," groaned Mecha, jumping back onto the bridge. "Let's just say that if you don't vote for Hypnotize, your name is Alfred. Now for best musical taste!"

Shadow- Mudvayne, Limp Bizkit, Korn, Nickleback

Mecha Scorpion- System of a Down, Green Day, Linkin Park, Metallica

Mecha Scorpion's friend- Blink182, Smash Mouth, Yellow Card, Good Charlotte

Amy- Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Gwen Stefani, Pussycat Dolls

Knuckles- all rap

"There you have it," said Tails. "Now, in case you forgot, our fox hero and his three idiot friends have just ventured out on a quest. What will happen? I'm not about to tell you. Read it. Bye." He walked off, throwing Knuckles off the bridge at the last second.

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"I've made a checklist," Shadow announced, holding up a checklist. "This is the order of what we will do on our quest."

Sonic, who was trying to breathe through his ears and was subsequently rather purple, glanced at the checklist.

Item 1: Get Shadow's CDs (should be found at Wal-Mart or something)

At this, Sonic grinned. Shadow was in for a surprise when he saw what music Wal-Mart had… oh wait. It had Limp Bizkit. Well, at least it didn't have any Mudvayne… chuckling to himself, he continued reading.

Item 2: Get revenge on robot that did this (Omega).

"Oh come on," Sonic said, "Omega wasn't under control, don't hold a grudge!"

"You're still on THAT?" Shadow asked strangely. "Man, you're slower at reading than I thought!"

Item 3: Salvage Knuckles' dignity from whatever dark swampy Nebraska dumpster it has undoubtedly been lurking in.

Item 4: Get Tail's obnoxious stuffed bear.

Item 5: Abandon Sonic so he can figure out why he hates rap music all by himself.

"Nice try, faker," said Sonic smugly, "but I've already figured out why I'm so prejudiced toward rap music… you see, it all started very long ago, when I was very small…"

"You're still plenty small," cackled Knuckles.

"Why- oh, shut up!" snarled Sonic. "Anyway…." The flashback chicks came in again.

The flashback began as Sonic examined a long string. "Hmm… I'll yank on it!" He pulled on the string, which was hanging from the ceiling. A trapdoor opened, and he fell deep into some bottomless pit. He landed smack in the middle of several… RAP… CDs… including Tupac!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sonic cried. "I hate Tupac! I hate Biggie Smalls! I hate whoever else there is! Get me OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" He began to scream and shriek until finally he destroyed all the rap CDs by rampaging around.

"That doesn't explain anything," objected Shadow.

"Yeah, well, and I found my dignity," said Knuckles. "It was in my dirty laundry basket."

Trying not to scream with outrage, Shadow turned to Tails, his fingers twitching. The little fox was holding an adorable stuffed bear.

"Well, well, well, Shadzie," Sonic smirked, "it seems you'll just have to get your CDs by yourself!" With that, he ran off with Tails and Knuckles perched on his arms like birds. Shadow stuck his foot out and they fell off a cliff. "Ah hah ha! Anyway… I can just order it all online!" He turned a rock into a laptop with his magic wand and began to type on it. "Hmm… yes, all their albums. Due in 2 seconds… air-mail… over faker's house… yes, that's it, all of them. Goodie." Shadow laughed as, 2 seconds later, an airplane went below him (he was on a mountain) and began to drop packages down toward Sonic's house, which conveniently was right near the base of the mountain. "Now, I'll go home!" He hopped into a speedboat and began to go down the mountain.

Meanwhile, Sonic, Knuckles and Tails were all falling, screaming in terror, when several large packages full of Shadow's CDs began to fall down next to them.

"What do we do?" screamed Sonic.

"Looks like this is the end, old buddy!" Knuckles howled over the rushing wind. Tails grabbed one of the packages.

"I'm sorry that I provoked so many arguments," Sonic said tearfully, shaking Knuckles' hand.

"And I'm sorry that I blatantly defaced so much of your property… like when I put a big Kick Me sign on your new stereos…" Tails grabbed even more packages.

"You never told me about that!" roared Sonic. They began to fight each other in midair. Tails, who was on top of a huge pile of CDs, grabbed the fighting Sonic and Knuckles and put them on top of the pile. He then shot out his tails. They began to fall slightly slower, but they were still falling very fast, directly toward Sonic's house. Tails jumped off, flying to safety onto the next house. Sonic and Knuckles, still fighting, fell through the roof and into the house, cushioned by the stacks of CDs below them. Unfortunately, the packages of CDs and the roof were both destroyed.

Shadow drove into the house on the speedboat, demolishing the wall, and stepped casually off it, leaving the boat to tumble through the house and explode when it hit the opposite wall. "Where are my CDs?" he asked dangerously.

"Why don't you ask the walls and the roof?" Sonic sneered.

"WHAT?" roared Shadow, running around in a circle with his fists flailing.

"Well, it's your fault you tripped us!" Sonic said. "If you hadn't, we wouldn't have been forced to use your CDs! Why did you even order them like that, anyway? They would just have been broken when they landed in the house!"

"Well… um…" Shadow looked shamefaced, then picked up a carton of eggs and threw it at Sonic, running away.

"GRRRRR! Why, that-" Sonic picked up the speedboat, ripped it in half, and put it on his hands like two giant gloves. He then snuck up on Shadow and punched him, sending him flying into a skyscraper. The skyscraper collapsed on top of Sonic, leaving Shadow dusty but cracking up. Sonic was taken to the hospital.

"Oh, no!" squealed Amy, rushing into the hospital when they were finally allowed to see Sonic. "Oh, my precious Sonic, I was so worried!" She laid out a giant table full of foods Sonic could digest. Shadow, who couldn't have cared less about Sonic's health, began to eat all the food, only to spit it out on Tail's face. "Yuck! What is this stuff?"

"Applesauce, smoothies, milk shakes, ice cream, and juice," she said. Sonic began to laugh and chortle.

"Ugh! None of that is cool enough for me!" said Shadow, producing a giant fistful of Pixie Sticks and shoving them down his gullet. He then turned fearfully hyper and picked up Sonic's hospital bed, with Sonic on it. Both objects (Sonic and the bed) were hurled out the window. Sonic, despite having his arms broken, caught onto the window ledge, got back in, and managed to sit in a chair. A new hospital bed was wheeled in, along with hordes of female attendants. Amy scowled, and Sonic began to chuckle.

"Anyway, so how long til you're out, Sonic?" asked Tails in concern.

"The doctors said a week, but I'm betting on closer to a couple minutes," Sonic said.

"But… why do you think you'll be out in a few minutes?" asked Tails confusedly.

"Oh, I feel great," said Sonic. "Those doctors don't know anything! I'll be out and about anytime now!" Knuckles poked one of his casts and he broke down in agony. "AAAAAAAAAGH!"

Shadow, however, was miles away. A week in Sonic's house? With only Tails and Knuckles? When Sonic got back there, he'd be so angry that he'd have a heart attack… he'd have to go back to the hospital… then Shadow could do it all over again! He decided that he had better test Sonic's health, just to be sure that the faker wouldn't come barging after him.

"Hey, Sonic… when I'm in tough situations like this, I think about the three Mothers of Philosophy."

"You mean the Frank Zappa band?"

"No, those were the mothers of invention. The three Mothers of Philosophy are things you should never mess with. The first is Mother Nature. Mother Nature should never be messed with, or you could be blustered over by hurricanes, typhoons, gales, and Knuckles' snoring!" Shadow dodged Knuckles' punches and threw the echidna out of the room.

"What's the second?" asked Sonic.

"The second is Mother Country," Shadow intoned gravely. "A communist French-loving unpatriotic desert like Tails here doesn't know the meaning of the word. It means to be faithful to your country forever, or you could be messed with by your government!" He threw Tails out the window, but the fox just decided to fly away.

"And what's the third?" asked Sonic.

"The third is your mother," said Shadow. "I've messed with her plenty of times, if you know what I MEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN-" as Sonic threw him out the window. Tails rescued him just to be goody-two shoes and flew him back up. Sonic was throwing darts out the window at Shadow's face, which was conveniently painted like a dartboard for some reason.

Shadow stupidly put his hands in front of his eyes, let go of the window ledge he was holding, and fell back down. Tails turned away and let Shadow fall. The black hedgehog landed on a balcony ten feet down and cursed. Sonic seemed limber enough to come home in a few minutes, just like he said. Who was this doctor that had said Sonic could only come home in a week or two?

"Oh yes," said Doctor Robotnik, nodding wisely, "this patient is in no shape to do anything even remotely involving activity, especially fighting the amazingly awesome Dr. Eggman. If I had my way, he'd been bedridden for the rest of his life! But he has made up his mind…"

Sonic threw a crutch at him and walked out the door.

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Please review!


	22. Sonic's Rampage

Sonic Insanity

Whoa! We're gonna reach 150 reviews any second now. If you haven't figured it out, I update every five days.

Note: So far the votes are:

Best Pop

1 vote for Mariah Carey

Best Rap

1 vote for Eminem

Best Rock

1 vote for System of a Down

Best Single

1 vote for Gold Digger

Best Taste

1 vote for Mecha Scorpion

Thank you!

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So Sonic was home from the hospital, in fine form and even finer Shadow-criticizing spirits. The only sign that he had ever been in a hospital was a large spiked crutch he carried around at all times. This was often used as a disciplinary item when Shadow started to write emo poetry about his lost CDs or when Tails was being annoying. When there was work to be done, however, Sonic would mysteriously start to lean on the crutch quite a bit and moan about various aches and pains. Pretty soon everyone was suffering "aches and pains" from Sonic's unnecessarily spiked crutch and his abuse, so Shadow took the opportunity to buy himself a crutch with a flamethrower in the end of it. Knuckles purchased a walker with tank treads and bazookas. Tails, absolutely infuriated by the damage they were doing too each other and the house, stormed up to them in one of his high-powered machines while they were having a fight. (Wow, what a long first paragraph!)

The fight slowly stopped as everyone looked at Tails, who was in a machine with the same firepower capacity as the average Air Force hangar. Knuckles' walker slowly pulled to a halt. Sonic stopped the swing of his spiked crutch. Shadow stopped shooting jets of flame, quickly kicked Sonic in his… um… happy place, and stood at attention. Everyone tried to ignore Sonic screeching in pain and indignation.

"All right, turn in the crutches!" shouted Tails. "If you're going to interrupt my peace and quiet, you can at least do it with your fists like usual!"

"Why should we?" asked Knuckles. A huge number of weapons appeared all over Tails' machine. "Oh, fine." He angrily shoved the walker over at Tails, who incinerated it with a blast of flames.

"All right, here," said Shadow angrily. As soon as he gave up the flame thrower, Sonic hit him with the spiked crutch, threw him through a wall, and then kicked Tails out of the machine. Tails landed on Knuckles. As Shadow emerged from the remains of the wall, dusty and coughing, Sonic pulled out an enormous amount of plain sugar out of the machine's glove compartment and began to chug it.

Shadow and Knuckles both turned to Tails for an explanation.

"I had to lock it away so you wouldn't get at it!" explained Tails. Nobody believed him. "OK, fine, I only eat a little bit every day… about half a bag or so! That's not too much… right?"

"Tails, you're an idiot," spat Shadow, while Knuckles sincerely hoped that Sonic wasn't thinking about the many things that the echidna had done to his trophy case in Mobius City Hall.

"We have to go stop him!" declared Shadow. "Who knows what he's up to by now… we'll have to perform an exorcism. Tails, get the candles and incense… oh, forget it, it's not like anyone even knows what the hell you use in an exorcism anyway… we'll just bring him back here and do it."

They all hopped onto several horses, pulled out lassos, and went charging off after Sonic.

It's been a while since we heard anything from Eggman, so here we go… well, we saw him last chapter, so never mind. Eggman, using his army of robots, had gained access to a large trough filled with sodium, which was being guarded for some reason. Pulling out a large amount of chloride, he began to chemically combine the two.

"All right, what's the idiotic plan this time?" snarled Metal Sonic, approaching.

"Sodium and chloride are both deadly in their unfiltered form," said Eggman, his mustache standing on end from concentration. "When combined, they form a compound very similar to salt in appearance… but since it is made of such lethal elements, it is deadly. We can disguise it as salt, sell it to everyone, and then they'll all die!"

Metal Sonic was silent for an entire minute and a half. Then he kicked a wall so hard that it fell over on top of half of Eggman's army. "YOU IDIOT! Sodium and chloride mixed isn't just similar to salt… IT IS SALT! Lord, why was I cursed with such an ignoramus as a master… I hope somebody's gotten my ad…"

Far away, Darth Vader picked up the morning paper, looked in the classified section, and read:

Robotic Hedgehog seeks World Domination-Fixated Maniac for master-servant relationship. Must enjoy robotic armies, video games, and aromatherapy. Call Metal Sonic at 555-1234.

Back to Sonic. The crazed hedgehog was eating more and more sugar, slowly turning completely insane. After having reduced a good city block to wasteland, he went storming off to downtown, where he was sure to inflict even more havoc. Stomping down several buildings, while Shadow, Tails and Knuckles uselessly tried to lasso him, he finally made it to the center of town. Unfortunately enough, GUN was waiting for him.

"Sonic!" yelled Knuckles.

"Tails," muttered Shadow, preparing a command.

"Knuckles?" asked Tails.

"Shadow?" Amy wondered.

"AMY?" roared Sonic, severely enraged. "What have they done to you? They're trying to kill you! My sweet Amy…" The sugar had changed him, indeed. His machine somehow growing arms, he picked up Amy and began to run across town.

"Oh, great," complained Shadow. "My girl will fall for Sonic in a heartbeat! We're going to have to get him."

"Don't worry," said Tails. "I have a government ID pass." He turned to some GUN official. "I am Commander John Doe, and my friends and I need some airplanes to take down this menace…"

"John Doe?" asked Knuckles sarcastically as they flew biplanes around, looking for Sonic. "Why didn't you just name him John Q. Everybody?"

"Already taken," said Tails. "Hey, look, there he is!" At the sight of the planes, Sonic began to climb up the Empire State Building, setting Amy down and trying to fight off the planes. He knocked Tails out of the sky, but the fox just flew away from the wreckage. Finally Shadow and Knuckles shot his machine until it slowly fell off the building. Sonic fell out of it and landed on Jennifer Lopez, who was lying facedown in a sunbathing chair. He bounced off her enormous behind, flew fifty feet into the air, and fell through the hole in his roof where the CDs had come through.

Sonic, miraculously still alive, ran off, looking for something. Knuckles, Shadow and Tails all arrived.

"Where'd he go?" roared Shadow. "We shot him down!"

"No…" said Knuckles. "It was booty killed the beast."

"Shut up! He ran off that way!" yelled Tails, following a set of bear tracks that led in no apparent direction. They followed these because they're idiots.

Sonic was in need of something to keep him high. As he ran past a wheelbarrow full of sugar (dismissing it as a dirty laundry hamper full of banana peels) a missile blasted him off his feet. Enraged, he turned around to see Eggman.

"Ho, ho, ho!" chuckled the fat one. "With you out of the way, nothing can stop my sodium chloride takeover!"

Sonic could see only one thing: a trough full of white powder. It could only be one thing, thought Sonic excitedly; sugar, cocaine or both! No wait, that was seven things. His pre-K brain struggling through this simple math problem, Sonic gave up and ran toward the "sugar," dodging missiles. He casually flicked Eggman through a field goal that just happened to be there and deeply inhaled the salt. His eyes rolling in pain (ugh, I ate 7 packets of salt once. It was awful), Sonic vomited all over everything, then passed out. Shadow, Tails and Knuckles, wearing thigh-length rubber boots, picked up Sonic and, none too gently, bounced him off the street like a basketball until they reached the house.

"Well," said Tails, "what should we do for the exorcism?"

"Well," said Shadow, seeing an amazing opportunity, "since you were the one who allowed the sugar demons into Sonic, you must be the sacrificial fox."

"WHAT?" roared Tails. "Forget it! I'm not sacrificing my-"

"Knuckles," commanded Shadow, "go get several types of paint… some feathers, beads… some other stuff." Knuckles, grinning widely, went for these.

Within the course of an hour, Tails was painted with small letters meaning 'your mom' jokes in Arabic and Latin, wearing an ornamental feather headband, blindfolded, bound and gagged, and dressed in a "ceremonial dress." The fox irritably picked at the lace and doilies all over the pink dress and scowled thunderously. After Knuckles had taken several "exorcizing photographs" of Tails in the dress, and after Knuckles and his camera had suffered a beating the likes of which had never been seen, and after Tails stumbled out of his dress, they set out to humiliate Sonic.

First, a large five-pointed star was painted on the wall, and Sonic was tied to the wall at that point. He was painted, feathered, dressed up, and generally embarrassed beyond belief. Tails was horrified to think of what would happen when Sonic woke up. Finally Shadow pulled a big book out of nowhere labeled _The Big Ol' Almanac Dictionary Book-Type Thing of Summoning, Exorcizing and Knowledge on Demons. _Just before they began, he frowned.

"What?" said Tails.

"Here it says we need to sacrifice a virgin," said Shadow in confusion. "If we sacrifice faker over there, we'll kill him… I'm not a virgin, presumably Knuckles isn't…"

They both looked at Tails.

"Well, little buddy," said Knuckles happily, "looks like you'll get your chance to be sacrificed after all."

"NO!" roared Tails. "Forget it!" He jumped for an exit, but Shadow threw a cactus at the fleeing fox. Tails fell over, and Shadow went in for the kill…

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Ooh, suspenseful. Will Tails be sacrificed? Can Sonic ever be exorcized? Where did the cactus come from? Review please.


	23. The Idiot Will Not Be Televised

Sonic Insanity

Well, if it isn't old Reviewer MacRoberts! You know what to do. And, since we got to one hundred fifty so quickly, I'm now setting the sight on one hundred seventy-five at the twenty-sixth chapter.

In other news, I think I've got the first bad review of the story from Metal Sonic, which is basically some random letters followed by 'You Suck!' Congrats to him for overcoming the tides of positive feedback and delivering a clear, witty, disarming argument that clearly proves how much I 'suck.' Not to sound bitter, sorry, cause I'm not. I just thought I'd provide a humorous comment.

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Now, as we last left our heroes, Tails was going to be sacrificed, Sonic was about to exorcized, and where the cactus came from was about to be determined. Fortunately, none of those things happened. The cactus was put into the Witness Protection Program, Tails shot out of Shadow's grip like a furry bar of soap, and Sonic woke up completely fine and un-demonic.

"Huh? Wha… where am I?" said Sonic in an unconvincing act of semi-consciousness. "And why am I…" His teeth bared as he discovered the humiliating position he was in. Shadow began snapping away with a Polaroid camera as fast as he could. Tails stood there like a fool with his mouth gaping. Knuckles jumped in front of Tails, shielding him from nothing in particular.

"GROWL RAGE," roared Sonic, and he burst free of the thin strips of Scotch tape securing him to the wall. Shadow, his courage deserting him, jumped into the fireplace and attempted to disguise himself as some sort of flame. Sonic, who was somehow fooled by this, stood looking around in all directions for several seconds and went charging down the hall toward Knuckles and Tails.

"Back to the barracks! Back to the barracks!" screamed Tails, wearing a military helmet.

"We can hold a bit longer!" said Knuckles, suddenly with grey hair as an aging military commando. Sonic was only several yards away. "All right… FIRE!"

Out of a trench, which just happened to have appeared in the hallway, leaped several dozen soldiers, all firing at Sonic. Sonic was forced to flee as bullets hit him.

"Hold the line!" roared Knuckles, sitting in an armchair reading a book behind a bulletproof wall. "Oh, come on, you pansies, be brave!" The soldiers, disgusted by Knuckles' cowardice, ran away. Tails threw an entire box of Ritalin into Sonic's mouth from fifty feet away, and the blue hedgehog was calmed down.

"So far this chapter isn't doing too well," commented an American film critic, his mouth stuffed with theater snack and sitting in a movie seat.

"Yeah!" cried the hundred or so other people in the seats. "I want my money back!" They began to throw stuff at Sonic, Shadow, Tails and Knuckles. They grudgingly trudged outside.

"So," said Tails, "what should we do today?"

"I hear they've got a new show on TV," said Sonic. A giant screen appeared in midair and fell on Shadow. "Let's watch."

Knuckles turned it on. It started on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

"Dave," said one of the gay guys, "these light fixtures just aren't providing the right feng shui! I don't know how to explain… very well. It's fluorescent green lava lamp lighting for you!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" sobbed Dave, falling to his knees. "How will I explain this to Martha… OK. I might as well just accept it for the point of the-"

"Turn it off," snarled Shadow, pulling himself from under the screen. Tails turned to Family Guy.

"Hmmm…" said Peter. "I need a plan to do something really stupid."

"Oh, you mean you need plans for that?" yelled Stewie.

"What? What's he saying?" said Lois.

"I mean, what kind of idiot needs plans to be stupid when he's already a fool?" yelled Stewie. "Good God, man!"

"Huh? What?" said everyone.

"He's saying, count me in, I'll make you proud, Pa," said Brian.

"Oh, a dog's much easier to understand than a baby! Now I get it!" said Peter. Stewie began to bash his head into the wall (I actually love Family Guy, don't worry).

"Change…" Shadow changed the channel. It was some sort of soap opera.

"No! Barry!" sobbed an actress. "I knew it all along!"

"No- it's not how it looks, Jessica!" said Barry, who was lying in bed with a refrigerator. "I just wanted something to eat all the time!"

"No… you promised me the world, Barry!" screeched Jessica. "I'm leaving tonight!"

"You drove him away… you lost his affection… wooooooooo!" said a spooky voice from the ceiling. Jessica threw a paperweight in the direction of the voice. "Ow! You dominated his life… ahwooooooooooooga!"

"OK, it's on now!" said Sonic excitedly. He changed the channel to some documentary-type channel.

"A person of great importance to our world today… a leader… a man among men…"

"Sounds like me all right," said Sonic.

"George W. Bush!" said the announcer. (Note: That description doesn't fit Bush in the least, but it's just the joke). "Bush's Presidency will be most remembered for one thing: the 2 under-par game he golfed on his 24th vacation of 2004! But another, slightly less memorable incident was his widely controversial, full-scale bombing of Iraq."

The screen cut to some footage of Iraq. Two Iraqi people were sitting there in their house when a bomb blasts them into the sky.

"Man," said one of them while falling, "what a loser country the US is? I mean, who just bombs someone with no warning? Geez Louise!"

"Yeah, what a bunch of poser pants!" said the other one. They hit the ground.

"Then there was the issue of his military record," continued the announcer. "Fortunately, some of Bush's wingmen remembered several battles that Bush had been an active participant in, such as the Beach Beer Cooler Scuffle of 78 and a bar fight in 79."

"Sonic, is this the show or not?" growled Shadow.

"Well… no…"

"Is _there _a show or not?"

"Um… that depends on your point of-"

"You mean to say," said Knuckles, sharpening his fist spikes on a balloon, which popped instantly and did nothing to sharpen his fist spikes at all, "that we just unnecessarily watched television?"

"Um… that's not necessarily a bad thing," stated Tails, but he was buried under a heap of dirty laundry so nobody cared.

Just as Knuckles and Sonic were ready to fight, something happened that prevented all combat- Amy. The pink hedgehog was on the loose, and she was furious.

"SONIC!" she screamed in deafening tones. "YOU FORGOT OUR ANNIVERSARY!"

"WHAT anniversary?" shrieked Sonic, pulling out a gun and emptying the clip. "We never dated or anything!"

"Yeah, that's my girl!" stated Shadow.

"Shut up, you!" she said to Shadow, smacking him with her hammer and sending him into a wall. "Now… SONIKKU! Time for punishment!" All the bullets Sonic had fired bounced off her. She pulled out her hammer again, tossed a small grenade into the air, and knocked it at Sonic.

Sonic had no hope. He ran at top speed, but the grenade hit him between the shoulders. However, instead of the blast of explosive matter Sonic had been expecting, he felt only a dull ache.

"OW! Amy, you're supposed to pull the pin! Amy? … AMY?"

Sure enough, Eggman had kidnapped her.

And we all know what that means…

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	24. A Daring Rescue

Sonic Insanity

To molly-mouse616: Although I could do with the worship, along with the intense satisfaction I would get from Amy dying, I wrote this chapter before I got your review. Maybe another time.

The story has been drawing plenty of new reviewers. The aforementioned molly-mouse616, Tucker's Mayflower, Chaotix Extremist, Prisca-Angel, kingdomhearts soar, and Carnage Canine all came pretty recently, joining veterans like uhyeahitsteamdark, Justin Time and Tweedle Dumbass.

Thanks to an unnamed reviewer for discovering my name. I have modified the chapter to hide it and will delete the review if possible (sorry, gotta protect my anonymity!)

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"Amy's kidnapped!" cried Shadow. "We have to go save her!"

"Hey, that's my line!" objected Tails.

"It's no use," Sonic said almost sadly, shaking his head sorrowfully and trying to cover up his smile. "She's already dead… we can't do anything. I'm sorry I let you all down."

With looks of disgust, Shadow and Knuckles sped off toward Eggman's huge ship, which was flying away. Tails picked Sonic up by the quills and flew away.

"HEY! You were supposed to talk me into it through a complex motivational speech!" bellowed Sonic.

"I didn't have to!" shouted Tails.

…

"Thanks for ruining my quills! They'll be ruined for my date tomorrow!" Sonic roared.

"Awww, I hope your date doesn't leave you because of them, FAKER!" roared Shadow from below.

"Your MOM left you because of them! OH! Dis…respect!" Sonic began trying to dance in midair. Tails dropped him and Sonic fell onto the Egg Whatever that Amy was stored in.

"Sonic!" Amy squealed from inside. "Help me!"

"Um…" Sonic looked frantically for something to distract him from Amy. "Hey Eggman! What's this machine called?"

"The Egg Popcorn Popper!" came the answer. "Which is what you're about to become!"

Sonic protested that this didn't make any sense, but a ton of robots came out of a hatch toward Sonic. He began to kick them off the Egg Popcorn Popper, particularly toward the chasing Shadow and Knuckles. Once all the robots were gone, Sonic sat there in a beach chair, making rude insults at Shadow and Knuckles on the ground below and throwing pieces of the machine that he was prying off at them.

Shadow became so angry that he jumped into the air, doing a massive homing attack off of each piece of debris. He turned Dark Shadow and confronted Sonic. "Well, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"Um… look behind you?"

"That one won't work on me, faker!" screamed Shadow, his eyes bloodshot and his fists clenched so tightly that the bones were cracking. "Prepare to d- OOF!" Sonic had pried the trapdoor to Amy's cell off and threw it at Shadow. Just as Shadow recovered, Amy came flying out and hit Shadow. "Why, of all the- OUCH!" Shadow fell off the machine and bounced off of it a good seventeen to eighteen times before landing on Knuckles. They had a huge fight. Tails put his head in his hands but, unable to see where he was going with his eyes covered, he hit the cactus (yes, I got a lot of reviews about this) mentioned in Chapter 22 and fell into Shadow and Knuckles. The fight immediately turned into a big smoke cloud with various heads, arms, legs, tails and skirts sticking out. Sonic was laughing his head off, but then Amy kissed him full on the lips. "ARRRRRRGH!" roared everyone's favorite blue hedgehog as his least favorite pink hedgehog attacked him. Sonic kicked her off and she fell into the big smoke cloud fight. He began to crack up until he turned blue. He was only slightly distracted by an enormous flamethrower, which popped up in front of him. Sonic kicked it off of its robotic support arm, caught it in midair, and began to spray flames into the smoke cloud fight. It broke up, leaving Sonic in what some would call a sticky situation.

"Um…"

Knuckles sharpened his fist spikes on a balloon.

"Er…"

Out of Tails' hands popped several thousand guns.

"Well, you see…"

Amy's Piko Piko Hammer sprung out.

"It was…"

Shadow looked absolutely enraged beyond all belief.

"The cat," finished Sonic.

All four of these people began to try to climb up the side of the Egg Popcorn Popper. Sonic threw a French fry at Amy, and it slid down her throat.

"OH NO!" she shrieked. Her thighs and belly ballooned to an obese size. The Egg Popcorn Popper was crushed under her weight, along with Shadow, Knuckles and Tails. Amy slowly shrank down to real size, Eggman ran away with his usual excuses, and Sonic was given all sorts of rewards by the press.

Or did he?

As a matter of fact, he did… DUN DUN DUN!

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I'm sorry to cut this short, but here is the awards ceremony!

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Mecha Scorpion was lounging around in a large easy chair, wearing a hat at a jaunty angle and dipping his feet in a large hot tub. In the hot tub were several ladies, which Shadow was eying enviously.

"Man oh man, I wish one of those ladies was mine!" he said grumpily.

"All right!" said Mecha, and Amy and Rouge were also in the hot tub. Shadow and Knuckles were furious, but their girlfriends quickly disappeared.

"All right, and it's the Schoolyard Gang!" Mecha announced. "Fat Sonic… Surly Pants Shadow… Stinky Bottom Knuckles… and Whiny Jessica!"

"IT'S TAILS!"

"SURLY PANTS?"

"FAT?"

"STINKY BOTTOM?"

"Did I stutter?" said Mecha Scorpion, appearing exceptionally dangerous with a baseball bat in his hands. "All right, since not enough people voted, we will be hosting the first voter, Tweedle Dumbass!"

Tweedle Dumbass appeared, a pudgy, fat little dwarf with thinning red hair, red pants pulled up to his chin, and a large blue bow tie.

"What do you call this?" he roared at Mecha, plucking his bow tie. "We're supposed to be cool!"

"Stop speaking with the royal we!" snapped Mecha. "Since I don't know what you look like, and you appear how I imagine you, and your name is based off of a short little Disney character…"

"All right, I get it!" Tweedle relented, sitting in the hot tub and throwing Mecha's feet out of it. They sprayed water all over Tails.

"Now, for winner of the best pop album of the year- that's an oxymoron, by the way, best pop album," said Sonic, attempting to make this a joke. Mecha cleared his throat impatiently. "Oh yeah, it's Mariah "Offered Over 30 Million Dollars To Quit the Business" Carey!" The high-voiced pop artist walked up to Sonic, who would be interviewing her.

"So, Mariah, how is it that you sound so high-voiced?" asked Sonic.

"Oh, that's not me!" she said in an extremely low baritone. "I just find small chipmunks and force-feed them helium! It works like a charm!"

"Yeah, sure," Sonic muttered. "Why are you so fixated on writing about your old relationship in your song? And why do you have rappers feature on your album? Is it just to go along with your black heritage and interest the black teenage market?"

"About the first question- I actually wrote all my songs the day after we broke up, so not only do I get to be lazy for the rest of my life, but I get millions of dollars from a day of work! Boy, I deserve none of that money!"

"I quite agree," Sonic said seriously. "How about the second question?"

"Yes to that. I'm hoping that I'll be able to see young black men driving around playing "We Belong Together" along with Mike Jones and 50 Cent!"

Sonic began to crack up until he choked. Mariah, blissfully unaware that she had done anything wrong, hung around uncertainly until Tweedle Dumbass karate-chopped her into the distance.

"Now, for best rap album is Eminem: Curtain Call!" said Mecha Scorpion, which Tails would be hosting. The rapper came out.

"So, Eminem, will you be doing your European concert tour?"

"No… did you hear I was getting married to Kim again?"

"Yeah, what a turn around. Anyway, is this the end of your career? After an album called Encore, you make a Greatest Hits collection?"

"No… now I'll write songs of how happy I am with Kim. Did I tell you about how-"

"Yes, you did. So who are you inspired by for your music?"

"I dunno… I guess Tupac, and Biggie… also, all those G-Unit rappers. Man, they're great, especially Lloyd Banks and Tony Yayo! Also, my wife-"

"Cut the crap, Shady, we know you just have Dr. Dre and 50 Cent feature to make you seem like you're not the weirdest thing that ever happened to rap," Tails said. "And I swear if you mention your wife again, I'll pop you."

Eminem, visibly frightened, shrank down.

"So what's with the focus on the stage in your latest album artwork and titles?" asked Tails.

There was a long silence.

"OK, nobody cares," said Mecha. "Now, Shadow will be hosting best rock album… Hypnotize/Mezmerize by SYSTEM OF A DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SEND THE POOR? WELCOME TO THE SOLDIER SIDE! BANANA TERRACOTTA TERRACOTTA PIE! I'M ON THE VIDEO WITH DANNY AND LISA! THEY'RE TRYING TO BUILD A PRISON! YOU AND ME SHOULD GO OUTSIDE AND WE'LL BEATEMBEATEMBEATEMBEATEMBEATEMBEATEM!" This went on with no sign of stopping within a week. Tweedle Dumbass hit him over the head. "Take it, Shadow."

Serj Tankian, the God of Everything, and the rest of his band sat down. "So, System of a Down, what's your concert tour plan?"

"Well," said Serj, in the Most Awesome Voice Ever, which meant he screamed like Chester Bennington, spoke as nasally as Jonathan Davis, and bellowed like a black bear, all while his voice fluctuated from high to low like who knows what, "we're planning on releasing all our greatest songs ever on one CD, and then we'll do a concert after that. The concert will play right in front of Mecha Scorpion's house all the time-"

With this, Mecha began to twitch psychotically.

"What are these great songs?" said Shadow.

"Well, there's Chop Suey, Soldier Side, Radio/Video, Revenga, Aerials, Hypnotize, Psycho, Holy Mountains…" With each mention, Mecha began to twitch even more. "And, once Daron helps us write lyrics for 10,000 more songs, we're kicking him out of the band and putting out a talent search!"

Mecha Scorpion began to quiver with joy.

"The ad we have now reads, "Wanted: 14-Year-Old Fanfiction-Writing Boy, Must Worship Our Band. Will Teach How To Read and Play Music. No Requirements-"

"I CAN DIE HAPPY!" screamed Mecha, ripping through six straightjackets that Sonic had forced on him.

"Oh yeah, and since our hot European supermodel girlfriends just ditched us, we'll let him have them," said the drummer, Jon. Mecha's eyes rolled up in his head, which ended once System of a Down left.

"All right, and now Knuckles will host Kanye West for best single this year!" announced Mecha. Kanye West showed up.

"Hi," said Knuckles.

"Hi," said Kanye.

…

…

…

"OK, this is awkward." Kanye left.

"And now, for the moment your mothers have all been waiting for… best musical taste of the year goes to me!" Mecha roared. Tweedle interviewed him.

"So, how do you formulate your amazingly good taste in music?" asked Tweedle.

"Well, you see, some people like bands just to fit in, or to fit in with their stereotype," said Mecha. "This would explain why My Chemical Romance is still around. But I listen to music I like! Now, Shadow's taste in music is just terrible, nothing else to it. So is Amy and… well, Knuckles' is OK. But my friend… ACH PATOOEY!" Mecha began coughing as if he were about to hack up a lung. "Man… if you're reading this-"

"OK, that will do," said Knuckles concernedly. "Um…. Tune in next time?"

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Review sil vous plait.


	25. Sonic in Wonderland, pt 1

Sonic Insanity

This chapter's going to be a little different from most of them… please review.

SONIC IN WONDERLAND

CREDITS

Sonic as Alice

Eggman as the Queen of Hearts (the gender will be changed, trust me)

Eggman's Robots as the Cards

Cream as the White Rabbit

Mecha Scorpion as Tweedle Dee

Tweedle Dumbass as Tweedle Dum (yes, he will stop featuring in this story after this)

Big as the Cheshire Cat

Shadow as the Caterpillar

Knuckles as the Dodo

Tails as Dinah the Cat

Espio as the March Hare

Vector as the Mad Hatter

Charmy as the Dormouse

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"Oh, living in paradise is so terrible!" whined Sonic, sitting up in a tree with his faithful pet Tails. "I only wish I could go away to a fantasy land full of preposterous nightmare creatures and certain death around every corner! Oh, if only you could understand me, Tails…"

"I can understand you," spat Tails.

"Oh, I wish I understood you," Sonic swooned. "In my dream world, you would talk just like a person…"

"I AM A PERSON! YOU JUST PUT A COLLAR AROUND MY NECK AND TREAT ME LIKE SOME SORT OF DOG!" screamed Tails at the top of his lungs.

Sonic said nothing, seeing as the guy holding the cue cards had run away. After a very awkward silence, Sonic cleared his throat.

"In my fantasy land… there would be chilidogs on every bus stop!" he said grandly. "Oh yeah, and maybe there would be world peace or something… but the important thing is the chilidogs."

"Oh no!" squeaked a rabbit, wearing a skirt and holding a watch. "I'm late! I'm late for a very important date!"

Tails drooled. "I've never seen a rabbit with a skirt before… I'll have to see her without it as well! I wouldn't mind being at that date…"

"Well, what do you know, a talking rabbit!" exclaimed Sonic. "I'll go investigate. Tails, my faithful, silent, stupid pet, you can just play with the dandelions." Sonic ran after the rabbit, leaving Tails frothing at the mouth with anger.

Sonic followed the rabbit into a rabbit hole. "Hmmm… maybe she's hitting a rave or something. They're usually in dark enclosed spaces like- AHWOOGA!" Sonic began to fall down what seemed to be a huge tunnel. "Where could I be?" A light turned on, revealing a large sign: ABANDONED ELEVATOR SHAFT.

Sonic, angry over how little sense this made, landed very safely on a pile of conveniently placed debris. The rabbit was disappearing through a door.

"Hey, cutie, I'll make you late anytime!" called Sonic. She ignored him, the door slamming after her. "Crud! I'll never get her." To shorten a very long scene, Sonic sat down and began to cry and cry until the room filled up with his tears. He then floated inside of a giant bottle through the keyhole in the door, where he found himself in a giant ocean.

Nearby was floating a red echidna, seated on top of a fish with a bird flapping its wings furiously behind him while pushing him with its head. Knuckles (for of course it was he) was singing a tuneful, enchanting little ditty as he made his way for land.

"Oh, a loser's life is the life for me,

I'll insult anyone that I happen to see

But I never ever wanna

Make a joke about your mama

Cause your mama never wants to do a thing for me!"

Sonic, red hot with anger, jumped out of the bottle and onto Knuckles. The two of them rolled onto dry land, which was basically a beach with a high rock near the tide line. Knuckles eventually kicked Sonic away, jumped onto the rock, and whistled. Immediately a large number of creatures began running in a circle around the rock.

"Come on, come on, join the Raucous Race!" he called. "One and all, all and none, come join the Raucous Race! Perfect for getting dry!"

Sonic temporarily set aside his differences with the insulting Knuckles and began to run around the rock. Eventually a wave crashed down on all of them, except for Knuckles, who was too high on the rock for the wave to hit him. The echidna was warming himself in front of a campfire.

"I'm not getting any less wet!" yelled Sonic. "What's the point?" Another wave crashed on them.

"Oh, nonsense, I'm dry already," cried Knuckles.

Sonic, absolutely enraged by Knuckles' selfishness, jumped onto the rock, but Knuckles just threw him down. It was then that Sonic caught sight of the rabbit.

"Oh no!" she squeaked. "The Queen will be furious! I have to be there!"

"The QUEEN?" said Sonic. "Hot diggity dog! Another chick! This is just getting better and better!" He ran after the rabbit, blissfully unaware of the Queen's real gender, and eventually found himself in a forest, looking for the rabbit. Little did he know that two fanfiction authors were talking him… Mecha Scorpion and Tweedle Dumbass! The two authors cracked identical evil grins as they approached…

"Oh! I didn't see you there!" said Sonic. Normally he would have been more rude, but something about Mecha Scorpion made him a little nervous.

"Come on, hang out with us!" insisted Tweedle Dumbass. "We'll play video games and play video games and maybe even go on the Internet if we're feeling energetic!" The two authors bounced off each other in completely ridiculous ways.

"Um… sorry, but I'm looking for a hot rabbit," said Sonic.

"CREAM? Ack hooey!" spat Mecha Scorpion. "I don't like video game chicks!"

"Well, I'm just curious is all," explained Sonic.

"Oh… curious. Tsk tsk," said Tweedle Dumbass with a huge grin. "You know who else was curious, Mecha?"

"Yes… the crocodiles were curious," said Mecha sadly. "Terrible shame, poor things."

"OOH! TELL ME TELL ME TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked Sonic.

"All right, calm down," said Mecha and Tweedle, who were naturally good at telling stores like this, seeing their fanfiction careers. "The story of the Australian and the Canadian!"

The set cleared to reveal a charming little beach, down which were strolling a fat, wealthy Australian and a dimwitted Canadian man.

"Man," said the Canadian, "all this sand is too foreign! I much prefer snow. We'll get rid of this quickly if you don't mind working."

The Australian, who was too rich and fat to do any work, shook his head. "WORK? Cough choke wheeze!" He took a long, lazy drag on his cheap Australian cigarette. "The time has come, my Communist friend, to talk of other things… of why the author tries to write poetic ramblings, and whether Dubya should be shot, or strangled with a string… calloo, callay, no work today, we're cabbages and kings!" The Canadian, for some reason, accepted this as a reasonable response, but the Australian was not done. Just for mentioning work, the Canadian was thrown into the sea, where he narrowly escaped some crocodiles. The Australian saw the gators and jumped.

"Crikey! What a prime opportunity!" he said. "These will be some formidable wrestling opponents… I've always loved fighting crocs!" The spirit of the Crocodile Hunter was strong in him. But instead of fighting them evenly, he decided to trick them into an unfair fight. Walking down into the water, which somehow allowed him to breathe and did not extinguish his cigarette, he spoke to the crocs.

"Crocodiles, come and eat with us! The day is nice and bright! A picnic lunch, a beachside brunch, will be a sure delight!"

"Yes," said the Canadian, "and if we get on each other's nerves, we might just have a fight!" The Australian threw him away.

The crocodiles, poor impressionable things that they were, decided this was a great idea, and they set out their lunch. The Australian ordered the Canadian to go build them an igloo to protect them from the sun, so he ran off to get a snow generator.

"Now," said the Australian, standing behind the crocodiles as they ate and cracking his knuckles, "the time has come, my scaly friends, to talk of other things… like boxing gloves and brutal fights and even wrestling…"

"We'll bang their heads together when we're in the boxing rings," the Canadian sang, lugging the snow generator. "Calloo, callay, we'll fight today like cabbages and kings!" When he was done setting up the generator, he opened his eyes. The crocodiles all had little stars around their heads and the Australian was hemming and hawing.

"Um… er… well… let me think… ah yes… the time has come!" And with that, he jumped onto a kangaroo and paddled away, while the enraged Canadian ran after him.

"And that is the story of the Australian and the Canadian," said Mecha Scorpion happily.

"OK, that's a terrible story, I'm out of here," said Sonic, who had actually thought it was very funny but didn't want to say so. He ran off before the lazy Mecha and Tweedle could catch up. Sonic soon caught sight of a charming little house. The rabbit ran out of it.

"I'll be late! I'll be late! Harriet!" she yelled at Sonic. "You're not doing anything! Fetch me my coat immediately! I'm late!"

Sonic decided not to hit on her. Maybe if he gave her the coat, she would be more grateful. Still, being confused with a housemaid… Sonic went upstairs, and decided to steal some of her underwear while he was at it. Then he grew huge for some reason. The rabbit was thrown out of the house.

"Oh, great," thought Sonic. "There goes my chances with her…"

The rabbit squealed in an excruciatingly obnoxious voice for help, and finally Knuckles showed up, still singing his 'your mama' song.

"Quite the tricky situation," he said. "Something will have to be done."

"What can we do?" screamed Cream, shattering glass everywhere with the pitch of her voice.

"Hmmm… what we need is…er… some guy with a ladder!" Very conveniently, a guy with a ladder showed up.

"Oh good!" said Knuckles happily. "Now, we'll just pull your monster out of the chimney and all will be good. Hey, Ladder Boy! Pull it out of the chimney!" The Ladder Boy tried, but Sonic just threw him out of the house through a wall.

"Hmmm… not good, not good at all…" murmured Knuckles, all while Cream shrieked and wailed about her house. "I know! This is what I specialize in. I'll insult it so much that its face will grow red, and in doing so, the house will burn down!" This was utterly ridiculous, but the rabbit seemed to accept it. Well, except for actually burning the house down.

"No!" she wailed. "Oh, my poor house…"

"Hey, Monster McGee! What's your lucky number?" yelled Knuckles.

"Um…" Some insult this was. "33?"

"Must be pretty lucky- it showed up on your IQ test!" Knuckles bellowed. Sonic was furious.

"Take that back or I'll-" he yelled.

"Or what? Don't do anything rash now, your etiquette school teacher wouldn't like it," Knuckles smirked.

Sonic, enraged beyond belief, shrunk for no reason and ran out of the house. He attempted to tackle Knuckles, but the echidna dodged it and Sonic went tumbling head over heels away. The rabbit, finally realizing she was late, made off.

Sonic, stumbling after the rabbit into yet another forest, quickly lost his way. He saw multicolored smoke emerging from a clearing, so he made his way toward it.

On a small mushroom sat Shadow the Hedgehog, using a hookah, cigars, cigarettes, cigarillos, pot, and every smoke-able substance every invented. Clearly stoned out of his mind, he was mindlessly reciting the alphabet, blowing smoke letters as he did so.

"A E I O U… E O I U A… O U I A E… I A E U O… U A I O E…" Shadow, his eyes blurred and bloodshot, gazed up at Sonic. "Who are you, man?" He blew smoke letters into Sonic's face as he did so.

"Did anyone ever tell you don't do drugs?" spat Sonic.

"Oh, sure they did, dude, but you can't trust what the Man tells you to do… so I'm doing this to rebel, friend," drawled Shadow. "Who are you?"

Sonic shook his head in disgust. "Who are you is what I should be asking!"

"It is not. Recite some random poem," Shadow mumbled.

"OK… um… how doth the little Charmy bee, improve-"

"Stop it, dude, that wasn't said corretically."

"What?"

"Correctically… correctictectally… crecticectomy… you know what I mean…"

"Correctly?"

"Yeah, that's it. Now here's the real poem. How doth the Vector crocodile improve his shining tail, and rub a washcloth on his back and over every scale. He loves his bathtub very much, as much as life itself, and always puts his bubble bath and soap up on the shelf."

"Um… OK, I never heard the Vector's Bath Time Edition before…"

"WELL YOU SHOULD HAVE!" Shadow went Dark Shadow and exploded. When the dust cleared, Shadow was gone. All that was left were his rocket shoes.

"By the way," said Shadow, flying away into Fan Girl Heaven/ Shadow Hell, "one side of the mushroom will make you short… one tall!"

"Mushrooms! I'm not doing any of your drugs!" spat Sonic. Shadow just flew away. Soon, girly cries of delight could be heard.

Sonic, absolutely furious with how his day was turning out, stomped off. Soon he was pretty much lost, and he soon saw a purple cat sitting in a tree, singing some random song.

"Oh, great, more nonsense-spewing animals," Sonic growled.

"Which way are you trying to go, little guy?" asked Big stupidly.

"LITTLE GUY- why, I oughta pull you down from there by your tail!" shouted Sonic. "I just want to get out of here. Oh yeah, and find the rabbit."

"Well, if you've lost a rabbit, I'd go to Espio and Vector," said Big. "They know all about such things, little guy! It's like having an insane search engine!"

"I don't want insane people!" roared Sonic.

"Too bad!" shouted Big, making his part very small by disappearing.

So Sonic, very upset, stomped off toward where the March Hare and Mad Hatter were. Who knows, maybe they wouldn't be completely insane. He could soon hear their voices…

"Fox News is the least biased news station ever!"

"Forget to remind of the time when noon strikes past three!"

"Charmy, shut up!"

Yes, they were obviously insane.

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Please leave a review! Part two of Sonic in Wonderland will come next chapter.

FUN FACT: This chapter was written in under a day!


	26. Sonic in Wonderland, pt 2

Sonic Insanity

Now we continue with part 2 of Sonic in Wonderland. Read the beginning of the first chapter to find out which Sonic character plays what part.

Also, sorry for the long break before the last chapter, I was banned cause a fic got taken off.ß

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Music from the Matrix played as Sonic strutted forward toward the tea party. He shot up a huge number of guards and vaulted over a low fence, not realizing that it was in fact a railing on the edge of a canyon with spikes on the bottom. Several hours later, a tattered and embarrassed Sonic crawled toward Espio and Vector, who were singing some song about birthdays. At the sight of him, the two madmen dashed forward, waving their hands like lunatics.

"No room, no room!" cried Espio feverishly.

"There's tons of free spaces," Sonic pointed out.

"Why, I should say there are," Vector pointed out snobbishly. "But they're all occupied, sorry."

Smoldering with rage, Sonic attempted to sweet-talk his way in. "Well, I liked your singing and…"

"Oh, what a wonderful little girl!" said Vector, leaving Sonic even more infuriated than before. "I've never received a compliment before, not even from myself! Probably due to my stunning modesty and good looks."

"You said that ten minutes ago," objected Sonic, who of course had no way of knowing anything of the sort.

"I did, didn't I?" mused Vector. "In any case, you must have some tea."

"TEA?" roared Sonic. "At a birthday party? What is this, Britain?"

"That is where you aren't right and we are," smiled Espio patronizingly, pouring tea into his sleeve and drinking from it. "This is an un-birthday party!"

"What? I don't get it," Sonic said, receiving his tea and promptly spewing it all over Vector's back as he discovered how hot it was.

"That's right," Vector growled, mopping up his back. "See, there are many more un-birthdays than birthdays, so it's better to not celebrate only once than celebrate only once!"

"Much better, yes indeedy!" squealed a small bee, zooming out of the sugar bowl with white crumbs all around his mouth (and nose, very suspiciously). "Come on, I want some tea!" Vector concussed the bee with a salt shaker (which was later discovered to be filled with even more sugar) and the hyperactive bee was knocked out.

"Now, time for your un-birthday celebration!" shouted Espio merrily. "A VERRRRRRRRRRY merry un-birthday to your mom!"

"To WHO?"

"To you!"

"Oh, phew…"

"A very merry un-birthday..." Vector picked up.

"To who?"

"To your dad."

"To WHO?"

"Yes, you," Espio and Vector replied. "Now blow the candles out, or something, and make your wish come true! A very merry un-birthday to you!" The cake was launched off on a catapult and hit Sonic in the face. A bunch of fireworks went off, one of which was inside the cake and sent Sonic up into the sky. He finally dropped down in the middle of an elaborate teacup arrangement, crushing it completely. Espio and Vector clapped enthusiastically, while Sonic was utterly furious.

"Would you like more tea?" asked Espio innocently.

"NO I WOULD NOT!" bellowed Sonic, kicking a crumpet at Espio. Vector pinched Charmy awake, who immediately flew into the air, intercepted the crumpet with his face, and fell unconscious again.

"There's no time for all that," Vector said kindly. "Here, tell us all about your story."

"Well," said Sonic, calming down somewhat, "it all started when I was hanging out with Tails."

"Veeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyy fascinating," drawled Espio, loading his spoon full of butter and flicking it into Sonic's tea just as Sonic was about to sip out of it. "Who's Tails?"

"Oh, just some guy," shrugged Sonic.

"Well, why were you hanging out with him?"

"Um… uh… er… well… eh… huh… good question," Sonic admitted. "So, Tails and I were-"

"I know!" exclaimed Espio. "Let's change the subject." He cracked up for some reason, banging the table until a spoon bounced off of it and hit Sonic in the eye. "How about this: why is an aquarium like a photocopier?"

"Why is an aquarium like a photocopier?" mused Sonic.

"I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS!" roared Espio.

"But I was-"

"Careful!" shouted Vector. "He's stark raving mad! Utterly insane! Totally out of it!"

"Just like me!" shouted Charmy, waking up and flying around in a circle. Vector caught him in a butterfly net and threw the net as far as he could away from the table.

"It's your riddle!" roared Sonic. "I'm just-"

"Would you like a cup of tea?" proposed Espio innocently, emptying the teapot over Sonic's plate of strawberry shortcakes. "Or will you take the whole pot?" He began to cackle.

"Tea?" shouted Sonic. "That's it! I have no time!"

"I don't either!" squealed the rabbit, running by. "I'm late I'm late I'm late!"

"Well!" roared Vector, finding the butterfly net and scooping the rabbit up in it. Sonic's mind was so full of… _thoughts… _that he was forced to excuse himself. As he tried to control himself, he thought.

"Well," he said, "finally that chick comes along. I just hope that perverted Vector doesn't hog her all for himself."

When he came back, nothing of the sort was happening. Instead, she was slapping Vector, Charmy was zooming around their heads singing nursery rhymes, and Espio were adding ingredients to the rabbit's watch.

"Hmmm… butter might work, also some jam, tea, lemon and honey also, hahahahaha… mint could be a help. Sugar, sugar…"

"SUGAR? SUGAR!" At the mention of his two favorite things, Charmy went even more hyperactive. Espio reached up and trapped the bee between the two halves of the watch. Immediately the watch began to bounce around as if it were insane.

"Oh no! Mad watch! Mad watch!" bellowed Vector. Sonic immediately shielded the rabbit from danger with his body, and was just as quickly slapped.

"Only one way to stop a mad watch!" roared Espio, pulling out an iron spiked baseball bat. He smashed it into oblivion, leaving a dazed Charmy lying in the middle of the table, surrounded by circuits.

"MY WATCH!" screamed the rabbit.

"It was?" inquired Vector.

Sonic stormed off angrily, wondering if he had ever had less fun at a party. Well, there was that one time in 94 with the disco ball, but that was quite another story. No sooner had he gone several steps when he came across Big the Cat.

"Oh, it's you," he snarled. "I'm not really in the mood. In fact, I'd sorta like to go home."

"Well, I'll drag the Queen into this for some reason," Big said. "She controls all the paths."

"Well, then I'll just find her!" Sonic said.

"Her… oh yes, he's a girl… I guess, sure," said Big, making Sonic very confused. "I'll give you a shortcut." And the trees folded away, Paper-Mario style, to reveal a large castle. Sonic joyfully ran toward it, but he soon saw that he would have to get through a maze of flowerbeds. Eventually he came across some robots, doing the most bizarre thing he had ever seen. All of them had boxes of donuts open in front of them, and all of them were painting them white.

"What are you DOING?" asked Sonic, revolted.

"You see, the Queen," one of the robots explained, "likes his donuts powdered. But, since we forgot to order them powdered, we have to make them look like they are instead!"

"HE?" roared Sonic. "This is getting weirder and weirder…" He began to help hide the evidence by eating any donuts with no paint on them. He ate three boxes before all the hedges folded down, Paper-Mario style again. A bunch more robots lined up, and the Queen was revealed.

Sonic gagged. It was a man- Eggman, to be exact. Seeing how un-womanly Eggman was, the sight was revolting. Marching imperious down the rows, he sampled a donut, spat it out, and grimaced. "PAINT!" he bellowed. "Someone will lose their head!" He randomly ordered several dozen of his robots to be beheaded and ate all the donuts anyway, spitting out paint flakes. Sonic was revolted, even more so when the rabbit showed up in a bikini to serve Eggman drinks.

"So," said Eggman casually to Sonic, as if he had known him all his life, "do you play video games?"

"Video games! Why, I'm the best video game expert there ever was!" boasted Sonic.

"No? Then we'll play golf," said Eggman, clearly trying to find something he could beat Sonic in. Sonic, who was terrible at golf, opened his mouth in fury. Eggman stuck a pacifier in it and began giving orders. "Set up the golf pieces!"

In no time at all, a large golf course had been set up. Eggman struck the ball. The robots began blasting high-powered fans until it got in the hole, as Eggman had struck it with barely any force at all. Even so, it missed the hole. Eggman ordered almost all of the robots to be executed, and then wrote down on his scorecard that he had gotten a hole-in-one. Sonic, enraged, began to protest, but after a glare from Eggman let it rest.

Sonic hit the ball. The robots tried to blow it away with the fans, but it got in anyway. Eggman was furious.

"Illegal! Criminal!" he roared. "Let the trial begin! Justice will be served!"

Before he knew it, Sonic was in a courtroom. Big, Espio, Vector, Charmy, Knuckles, Shadow, Mecha Scorpion, Tweedle Dumbass, the rabbit, Ladder Boy, and three random robots were the jury, and Eggman was the judge.

"The sentence is death!" roared Eggman.

"What am I being sentenced for?"

"Um… convincing me to play golf, and then cheating with the intent of winning! Now, the sent-"

"First of all," said Sonic, who was not afraid of Eggman by any means, "you wanted to play golf. Second of all, I didn't cheat, your robots did. Third of all, cheating with the intent of winning? As opposed to cheating with the intent of LOSING?"

"SILEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNCCCCCCCCCCCCCE!" screamed Espio, who was banging a gavel. "I sentence the judge to life imprisonment… in Wonderland!"

There was a standing ovation, and Eggman was sent off to Wonderland. Then he ran back into the room, furious.

"GUARDS!" he bellowed. "Attack that man!"

Espio, thinking quickly, trapped Charmy in a watch and set him free. The watch began buzzing around, and Vector also ran around trying to smash out. Eventually he had smashed far more robots than watches. Charmy got free of the watch and zoomed into Eggman's face. In the middle of all this, Sonic ran off…

And promptly woke up.

"Oh, Tails!" he said. "Man, what a dream that was… too bad you don't understand me. I would have told it to you."

Tails screamed wordlessly.

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Review! The real fic starts after this!


	27. Bill and Ted's Appearance

Sonic Insanity

OK, back to the slightly less insane insanity. I have received feedback that this story is less consistently funny than it used to be. I try my best, and sometimes I'm less inspired. I've also had a lot to worry about (nothing too serious, don't worry) but I'll do as well as I can.

Also, people have wondered why I wrote the real fanfiction starts now. By that I meant, the Alice in Wonderland spoof ends and the more typical day-to-day adventures of the Sonic gang resume.

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Sonic and Tails were watching TV. It was the news.

"I bet that was one surprised chipmunk," chuckled the newscaster. "In further news, the famine in Russia has devastated everyone, leaving many starving. Casualties continued-"

"Cover your eyes, Tails!" shouted Sonic, even though Tails was already blindfolded (and gagged, for some reason). "This isn't appropriate!"

Tails spat out his gag, which was a huge lump of bubble gum he had been chewing. "There's nothing inappropriate about this! Why are they starving, anyway?"

"They ran out of vodka," replied Sonic.

"What does that have to do with them eating?" asked Tails.

"All they do is pour vodka into snow and ice and eat that," said Sonic.

"The vodka, however, is in full supply," said the newscaster, causing Tails to glare angrily at Sonic. "Also, there has been a reported seizure at 13 Sonic's Unlucky Day Street, residence of Amy Rose. She was apparently hospitalized after a traumatic scene in Napoleon Dynamite, the 2004 feature film…"

There was a COPS style scene in which some guy kicked down the door to reveal Amy eating popcorn and watching the movie.

"Will you stop kicking down doors?" said one cop furiously to the other.

"Sorry," he said. "But that thing with the elevator door was an accident, you-"

"Yeah, yeah," said the cop. "Look, miss, we've come here due to a reported seizure. Has anyone suffered a seizure here recently?"

"No, it's just me here," said Amy brightly. "Sit down and watch the movie, this part's great!"

"Oh, no… we always fast forward this part," moaned Sonic.

"So, Napoleon, what did you do last summer?" said the Gay In Denial jock character.

"I TOLD you, I spent it up in Alaska hunting wolverines!" barked Napoleon. Amy had a seizure. The men finished watching the movie, and then carried Amy into a stretcher.

Shadow and Knuckles entered the room, sitting down on the couch. Sonic paused the show. It ended on a close-up of Amy.

"What's all this fuss?" grumbled Shadow, as if somebody had called him. "I was doing some serious parkour there!" To demonstrate, he tried to run up a wall, failed and fell to the floor with a crash shaking the foundations of the house.

"Yeah, and I was fish braiding!" added Knuckles grumpily, showing two trout that were wrapped around each other.

"Hey guys," said Tails, entering the room. Sonic, who had not noticed Tails leave, suddenly jumped so high in the air that his drink spilled all over his head.

"I can pause live TV!" said Sonic with a cheesy grin.

"OK… in any case, I made a new invention," Tails said.

"Oh, Christ, not the plot where Tails' new invention is expected to be funny…" growled Shadow.

Knuckles said something in dubbed Chinese, and the two began to fight. Shadow ran up and down walls pointlessly, while Knuckles began to knit a fish sweater furiously.

"So," Tails said nervously, "who wants to see my invention?"

"Use it on faker!" called Shadow.

Tails did, and Sonic was suddenly standing on the ceiling.

"It can change gravity on a person!" declared Tails.

"Interesting," said Shadow, ending his fight with Knuckles. "I could do parkour with that…"

Tails pressed a button, and Sonic fell to the floor. Shadow was suddenly on the ceiling. The black hedgehog tried to run from the ceiling to the floor, but he fell onto the ceiling again. Sonic cracked up.

Tails moved a switch, and Shadow fell. This time, Sonic went flying through the air toward the wall. He was stuck to the TV, which was still paused on the image of Amy Rose.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGH!" screamed Sonic. "It burns us, precious! It burns!"

"Change the channel, quick!" said Knuckles.

Tails changed it. It switched to Michael Bolton singing.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Change it again!"

"C-SPAN? EEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"Change it!"

It landed back on Amy, somehow. Then the TV froze for no reason and did not respond to anything. Meanwhile, Sonic was screaming bloody murder.

"Reverse his gravity!" yelled Shadow.

"I can't! It's out of batteries!" Tails said.

"Out of- NO! I refuse!" roared Sonic. "Get me off NOW!"

So, they attached ropes around his wrists and ankles and tugged him off, so he was just stuck on a wall this time. Tails replaced the batteries, and Sonic fell to the floor. Knuckles was casually knitting his fish again.

"Well, this is a terrible place to end a chapter," commented Shadow, turning his attention to the news.

"Yeah, cause the author's such a lazy bum," commented Tails.

"To wrap up this segment," said the newscaster, "it has been discovered that Mecha Scorpion is not a lazy bum! In addition," he added, "Tails the Fox recently suffered a neck-crippling injury that has reduced him to a vegetable state-"

"OK! OK! I take it back!" said Tails hastily. The large cement truck dangling over his head disappeared.

"Oh, I guess he hasn't," the newscaster chuckled. "This is Blitz Wolfer, and you're watching NCN… where the news is more relevant than the commercials!" The TV turned off at the end of the program for some reason (probably to indicate that they should stop watching TV).

"Well, it's a beautiful day," said Sonic. "I say we should go outside and hang out!"

"Yeah," said Tails from underneath the cement truck (oops), throwing it off of himself. "We would… but something has happened that means we can't."

"What?" said Sonic concernedly.

"Oh, nothing," said Tails innocently. Shadow threw the cement truck back on top of him.

Suddenly, a large phone booth materialized in the room, and two teenagers came out.

"Dude, Ted… the future's got some crazy animals!" said the shorthaired one.

"I agree, Bill," said Ted (who looked like a young Keanu Reeves). "They're most intelligently using that TV there!"

"I saw this movie," said Knuckles, kneading his forehead to remember.

"OK, look," said the young Keanu Reeves, addressing the room at large, "we… we need to write a history report, and… um… we figured that one of you could help us, so… any volunteers?"

Tails rolled the cement truck off of himself. Everyone looked at him.

"What?" he wondered.

But before Tails the history nerd could be kidnapped by a young Keanu Reeves and his nobody friend, Sonic sneezed. Then they kidnapped him anyway.

"Is anyone getting déjà vu?" asked Sonic as the cement truck fell on top of Tails.

"Yeah… this was, like, a few minutes ago!" said Knuckles.

Bill and Ted showed up again, this time with Tails. The other Tails was still under the cement truck.

"Um… look… we decided we don't really like him, so… do you want him back?"

Knuckles, Shadow and Sonic looked back and forth between the Tails in the phone booth and the one under the cement truck.

"Nah, you can keep him."

Then the Tails in the phone booth fell off a cliff or something, so there were no worries.

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Bye, and review.


	28. Thrillz, Chillz, and Grillz

Sonic Insanity

Thanks for reaching 200 reviews, guys. Oh, and ClanrhRn, this is the chapter you're in.

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Sonic was sitting in his room, organizing his sock drawer. "Hah! You thought you could sneak into the white socks, Mr. Black Sock… well, no luck for you!" With several quick movements, he stuffed the black sock where it belonged. The doorbell rang. Sonic hopped out of his room and went to the door. Nobody was there.

"Oh yeah, it must have been the doorbell to my room," said Sonic. "Wait… then how come when I opened the door, no one was there?" He tiptoed upstairs to his room, where a large number of cops were.

"Hmm… how did I not notice them?" wondered Sonic.

"He's got to be in there!" yelled one of the cops, even though the door was open and Sonic was clearly not inside.

"I know! We'll kick the door in!" submitted an officer.

"Good plan, men, but that door is bolted too tight," said Sonic, putting on a police badge and forming a group huddle with the officers. "Here's the plan. First, why are we after this Sonic fella?"

"Lieutenant Shadow ordered us to get him, sir," said one of the cops.

Sonic seethed. So, this was Shadow's little plot! "Good thinking, men. Search the room, but don't leave any signs of your presence!"

Sonic then realized his mistake. Under his bed was an enormous supply of stolen money. Shadow was setting him up!

"Stop! Don't search the room!" he shouted. "We… um… we need a search warrant!"

"We have one, sir," pointed out the cop, pulling it out.

Sonic "accidentally" tore it into pieces. "Not anymore!"

The police officers quickly pulled out several more. "We made copies."

Sonic seethed. "Well… um… this other room here seems more suspicious. Sonic wouldn't be in his own bedroom- he'd want to hide! Let's go into this room!" Sonic led the police outside Shadow's room. "Oh, it must be locked!" He pretended to try to open the door. "It is! We'll have to blow it open! Who brought the dynamite sticks?"

"Your mom brought the dynamite sticks!" shouted one of the police. Sonic gunned him down.

"Knuckles! What's all that noise out there?" shouted Shadow from inside the room. "Did the police arrest Sonic yet?"

This would be hard to get out of. Sonic made meaningless signals to the police and tried to disguise his voice as Knuckles. "No, not yet… they're going to, though!"

The police quickly set up the dynamite and lit the fuses. Sonic dashed out of the house (Knuckles and Tails were in the garage). Fortunately, the explosion mostly just damaged Shadow's room and the area outside of it. Sonic cackled as policemen and Shadow's stuff flew through the air. "Mwahahahaha! How amusing!"

Knuckles poked his head out of the garage. "Sonic, I told you that the baked beans weren't the best-HOLY DUTCH OVENS! What's happened here?"

Shadow emerged from the wreckage of his room. Covered in soot and holding a Chaos Emerald, he looked somewhat intimidating. "FAKER!"

Sonic dashed off, a furious Shadow behind him. They ran for a few miles until they reached a section of sidewalk to run down. Sonic tried to jump off the sidewalk for a better escape, but an obnoxious kid stopped him.

"Nuh uh! The grass is lava!" he said childishly. Sonic punted him into the distance and ran onto the grass.

"OW! It is lava!" he screeched as his fur was singed. Shadow was now extremely close. Sonic had nowhere to run, seeing as an enormous cement truck was driving at him on the sidewalk and the grass was lava. Wait… a cement truck driving on the sidewalk? The same one that had fallen on Tails in the last chapter? Very odd… Fortunately for him, an enormous section of sidewalk crumbled behind him, leaving Shadow stranded on the other side of the gap.

"Wow! The first time crumbling architecture has ever been GOOD in a video game!" Sonic cried triumphantly. Then he realized why the cement truck was on the sidewalk- it was spreading new cement. Sonic was quickly stuck up to his ankles in wet cement, which was drying very quickly. "Crud! Well, at least there aren't any other hazards…"

The cement truck began to leisurely run over him back and forth.

"OWCH! Well, at least- OUCH- Shadow isn't here- AAAAAARGH- to torment me!"

"Hi, faker," said Shadow, booting the cement truck away.

"I just had to say it, didn't I?" asked Sonic miserably.

"Yes, you did. I would have just killed you with a blast of fire, but it seems a shame to waste cement shoes, especially when they're already on…" Shadow pulled the cement out of the ground, with Sonic in it, and tossed it off a bridge. "Ha hah ha! Wait… was that bridge over water or land?"

"Land," said Sonic, hopping back toward him with the cement shoes still on.

"Curses!" Shadow threw Sonic into the ocean. As Sonic fell to the bottom, he thought…

_"Man, if there was something really hot in this water, I bet the water would all evaporate!"_

"Hi, gorgeous," said a barely-clothed group of Latino girls.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH! Air! Air!" shouted Sonic. He began to breathe in, unaware that he was inhaling seawater. The girls were so hot that the ocean began to evaporate. Tails, always the sidekick, flew in, pulled Sonic out, and brought him back up to the surface. The seawater condensed and fell back into the ocean, and the Latino girls drowned.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed, kicking and screaming. Knuckles held him down, but Sonic eventually kicked so much that the cement block shattered.

"Well," he said, "that was convenient."

"CHAOS CONTROL!" roared Shadow, appearing right in front of them.

"You know, you don't need to say that AFTER you teleport," pointed out Knuckles.

"Um… hey, Shadow," said Sonic feebly. "Lovely weather, isn't it?"

Shadow, furious beyond all belief, whistled. The police showed up, surrounding Sonic with guns and other weapons.

"Um… darn," Sonic said, in order to explain himself. He suddenly realized that all the police were women this time, and they were all his ex-girlfriends. How could this be any worse?

Suddenly a familiar tune began playing, one heavily overplayed by the radio. Knuckles drove up in a car… his pimp car, actually. He had all his pimp clothes on, and when he grinned, he revealed his large grill. But this wasn't a gold-and-diamond grill. He had actually jammed a grill in his mouth, too cheap to actually get a grill.

"Smile for me, daddy!" all the girls chorused at once.

"What ya looking at?" inquired Knuckles.

"I wanna see your grill!" they pouted.

"You wanna see my what?" asked Knuckles, evidently having hearing trouble.

"Ya, ya grill! Ya, ya, ya grill!" all the girls insisted.

"And the whole top diamond and the BOTTOM ROW'S GOLD!" howled Knuckles. All the girls ran away in fear of the Mighty Grill.

"Well," said Sonic grudgingly, "looks like your pimp skills were actually good for something once."

"Hey faker," said Shadow, "your mom's like breakfast on Sunday…" He whispered the rest of the insult. Sonic's face turned bright red.

"That does it! I won't hear any more of this! Shadow… time to meet your maker!" screamed Sonic.

"I've already met him, I was made by Eggman," explained Shadow. "And Black Doom. Oh yeah, if you haven't played that part of Shadow the Hedgehog, don't read the previous sentence."

"Oh… anyway… THIS MEANS WAR!" bellowed Sonic.

ClanrhRn suddenly appeared in a referee outfit. "All right, fellas, this is a war to the death! No crying, or complaining, or scratching! On your mark… get set… go!"

"People don't have wars like that," objected Sonic.

"Fine," pouted Clan. "Um… well… breakfast on Sunday?"

Sonic began to punch a wall, while Shadow laughed. Then Shadow realized he had been blatantly plagiarized, so Clan was teleported back where he belonged. Then… um… er…

Oh yeah…

THE WAR BEGAN!

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What was the "your mom" joke? I don't think I'll tell you… it's pretty sick. Anyway, review! Sorry for your short appearance, Clan, I had to add you in at the last minute.


	29. It Was Only A Matter Of Time

Sonic Insanity

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"A MAJOR CONSOLE, MULTI-PLATFORM CURIOUS GEORGE VIDEOGAME?" screamed Sonic at the top of his lungs, pointing a finger dramatically at the computer screen. "I am OFFENDED! INSULTED! This is worse than the Charlie's Angel and Die Hard video games! I am ENRAGED! DISGUST-"

"Sonic, we're having an argument!" roared Shadow.

"Oh yeah."

"I'm better than you in every way, faker!" shouted Shadow as they faced each other across the battlefield. "I'm cooler, more mature, more athletic, better with the girls-"

"Yeah, quite the ladies man, you are, Shadow," said Sonic snidely.

Flashback time!

Shadow and some girl were watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

"Boy, Angelina Jolie's hot," he commented, causing his girlfriend to grind her teeth. She snuggled closer to him in an attempt to make him realize how hot SHE was.

"Do you think so?" she murmured.

"Yeah, I do," he said. "Much hotter than you, anyway." They watched the movie for a while, while the girl contemplated whether to storm out of the room or slap him. Shadow spoke up. "Wait… explain this to me."

"Yeah, baby?" she said, giving him another chance.

"Well, there's this organization of criminals, a big huge organization, but it only has women."

"Yeah?"

"So, does that mean that women accomplish the job better than men?"

"I guess…"

"Well," said Shadow, "how could fifty or sixty women succeed at what one man failed at?"

The girlfriend, seething at this sexism, stomped out of the room.

"Get back here!" shouted Shadow. "I want you to stay… please, stay!"

"Really?" said the girl, giving him one last chance.

"Yeah, I need someone to cook my steaks," Shadow said.

The girl, absolutely enraged, stomped off.

"Was it something I said?" wondered Shadow. "Ah well, I'm sure there's thousands of young fanfiction writers who will fill her position…"

End flashback!

"See what I mean?" sneered Sonic.

"Well," Shadow smirked, "I'm not the old married man you are, Sonic. If they can't put up with my adolescent angst and blatant sexism, there's always more to fill their place."

"Well, at least I know what commitment is!" roared Sonic.

"COMMITMENT?" bellowed Shadow. "Commitment? Who spent an entire game searching for his past? If that's not commitment, I don't know what is!"

"I know what's commitment," said Tails, typically showing up at the least opportune moment. "Diddy."

"You mean Puffy?" asked Sonic.

"You mean Puff Daddy?" asked Shadow.

"You mean P. Diddy?" asked Knuckles.

"Yes," Tails said. "Diddy's really committed to the rap game… he hasn't sold out in any way! It takes real gangsta skills to design clothes lines!" Knuckles, enraged by this limited understanding of rap, booted Tails away.

"Well, that confirms my previous position," concluded Sonic.

"What was that?"

"That Knuckles just wanted to be black, so he liked all black rap," explained Sonic. "Think about it- he doesn't like Fort Minor! That's white rap!"

"But he hates P. Diddy and he likes Eminem," objected Shadow.

"Well, Eminem also wants to be black, and P. Diddy isn't really black," said Sonic. "So, the only conclusion is, Knuckles is a poser white boy."

"ME? A poser white boy?" howled Knuckles. "The only person whiter than you is Tom Cruise! And the only person whiter than Tom Cruise is George Bush! And the only person whiter than George Bush… is Tails!"

"Hey!" protested Tails.

It looked like things were about to get dirty. Tails was angry at Knuckles, who was angry at Sonic, who was angry at Shadow, who was also angry at Sonic. Just before a convenient fight smoke cloud appeared, Morgan Freeman showed up with several penguins in tow.

"People, people," said Morgan Freeman. "If y'all could stop messing around, I'm sure you can learn a valuable lesson from these penguins."

"How?" asked Shadow suspiciously.

"For example, you! These penguins have loads of commitment! They journey across the Arctic for 70 miles and back, with little to no food for 4 months! But if you insult their commitment, they don't care, do they?" asked Morgan Freeman. "Hey, penguin, you don't know the meaning of hard work!"

The penguins just looked at him.

"See? They don't say anything!" Morgan Freeman said brightly.

"You know, penguins don't talk," said Shadow.

Morgan Freeman ignored this. "And you," he said, pointing to Knuckles and Tails, "these penguins are much whiter than you! But, if I said they were the whitest things I've ever seen, they wouldn't care!"

"That's because they know it's not true, because they have black AND white feathers," said Tails, but Morgan Freeman wasn't listening.

"All right," said Sonic grumpily, "well, I'm still upset at Shadow! How can your idiotic penguins teach me anything about that?"

"Easily," said Morgan Freeman. "You don't have any good reason to be upset at Shadow! You were the one who blew up his bedroom! Now, penguins are always mad at each other. The wives don't return with their food for a good couple of months! But, are they ever upset with their wives for starving them? No!"

"Actually, we hate it, but there aren't any domestic abuse committees for us," said one of the penguins.

Everyone stared.

"Er… I'll… just… um… go now," muttered the penguin, disappearing.

"Yeah, might be a good idea," said Morgan Freeman. "Go, little penguin… and bring these heroes THEIR DOOM!" Morgan Freeman ripped off his mask to reveal EGGMAN!

"Eggman!" they all chorused with shock.

"Time for my ultimate weapon to be revealed!" cackled Eggman.

"Weren't all your other weapons also 'ultimate?'" questioned Sonic.

"SHUT UP!" growled Eggman. "Wait til you see the destructive power of…. THE EGG PENGUIN!"

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The Egg Penguin, eh? Review please!


	30. The UnUsual Suspects

Sonic Insanity

Look, if my update schedule continues as planned, the next update will be on Wednesday, and I don't know if I'll be able to update then. There are a lot of undetermined factors, but no matter how it works out, it'll be busy. I'm getting my next belt in karate, I might have to make a video after school, and I might take the whole day off for a job-shadow. So I might update one day late. Just a warning.

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Everyone was acting a bit suspicious that day in Sonic Manor (more like Sonic Poor Excuse For A Shack if you asked Shadow). Tails was rinsing off knives, and there was a large amount of red fluid in the sink. Knuckles was casually incinerating objects with the word EVIDENCE printed on them. Sonic was making secret calls to people, and he kept glancing around and putting his hand over the receiver. Of course, it was later discovered that these calls were all to Shady Jim's Cheeseburger Joint and Law Firm, but for now that will be conveniently ignored for the sake of suspense. Finally, Shadow was sitting in a chair, jumping at any noise, clutching a shotgun in both hands, and randomly jumping out of his chair in an attempt to barricade the door with furniture. Knuckles would always stop him, though, and they would both return to their suspicious behavior.

On the twentieth attempt, Shadow managed to evade Knuckles' clutches and began to frenziedly stack chairs, tables, couches, boxes and Tupperware against the door. Suddenly the door flew off its hinges, the furniture cleared through with a sweep. A horde of policemen entered the room, led by a grim-looking detective.

"Gentlemen… lady," he said, referring to Tails last. "I'm afraid something terrible has happened on the premises."

Each of our heroes had a different response. Knuckles immediately began to cry fake tears while edging steadily toward the window. Sonic gave a large and unconvincing jump of surprise. Shadow began to run in circles while swinging his fists and was tackled by six policemen. Tails began to protest the fact that he had been referred to as a woman.

"Dead? Who's dead?" asked Sonic.

"I never said anyone had died," said the detective. "I said something terrible had happened."

"Well… did someone die or not?" asked Sonic.

"Yes," said the detective, giving him a highly suspicious look. "It was Mr. Old Guy That Everyone Had A Motive For Killing. Unfortunately, the murder must have cut the phone lines."

"No he didn't," said Sonic. "See look, the phone works perfect-"

"I SAID HE MUST HAVE CUT THE PHONE LINES!" screamed the detective. "So, since we have no means of communicating with the outside world, we'll have to wait until I can turn on my laptop before we can call for assistance."

"Why do we need assistance? You and the police can find the murderer quickly, can't you?" Tails inquired.

"Yes, but supplies will soon run out," the detective informed them gravely. "You see, we are trapped from going outside, thanks to all that Tupperware and crap in front of the door…"

"But you just cleared that away," objected Knuckles.

Suddenly, a large amount of Chinese food caved in through the ceiling and landed in front of the door.

"Oh no! The murderer strikes again!" said Sonic, coming down the stairs and wiping Chinese food off his hands.

"How could the murderer be responsible for this?" wondered Knuckles, also coming from upstairs and smelling strongly of Chinese food.

"Because there's a note pinned to the Chinese food!" screamed Shadow before being sedated with ten grams of tranquilizers. Sure enough, there was a large note on top of the Chinese food, pinned to the pile with a large knife that looked exactly like the ones Tails had had.

"Let's see what this note says," said the detective, grabbing the note. It read:

TO ANYONE TRYING TO SOLVE THE CASE: LEAVE NOW OR YOU'LL GO THE SAME WAY THE OLD MAN DID… AS SURE AS MY NAME IS SHADOW! YOU'LL NEVER FIND OUT WHO I AM… OH, WAIT. CURSE THIS MARKER!

"You can't possibly think it was ME!" protested Shadow, dropping a large bundle of markers.

"Who else? They said they were Shadow!" insisted Sonic.

"That doesn't mean they were! Someone could be setting me up!" Shadow wailed, firing his shotgun in all directions.

"How does the killer expect us to leave, anyway?" wondered Knuckles with disgust, writing something down and glancing around suspiciously. "There's no way to escape!"

"Well, there's only one thing to do in a situation like this," Sonic declared. "We must split up and walk down dark hallways unarmed."

"That's the Friday the 13th movies, not the mystery thriller," Tails pointed out.

"You're not old enough to watch the Friday the 13th movies," Sonic growled. "But true enough. The better situation is to make friends and hug each other."

"That's Barney, not the mystery thriller," Tails pointed out.

"You're not old enough to watch Barney," Sonic growled, causing Tails to sputter with rage. "But true enough. We must form no plans. Got it?"

"Um… sure," they all said. Suddenly Sonic fell to his knees, with a hatchet embedded in his quills.

"AAAAAAAAGH!" he screamed. "It's touching the QUILLS! Get it off of me!" He finally pulled it out. Tied to the handle was a little note. It read:

SONIC, YOU'LL BE NEXT IF YOU DON'T LEAVE… TRUST ME! P.S. THIS IS KNUCKLES.

"I had nothing to do with it!" protested Knuckles.

"Then who else did it?" snarled Sonic, hiding his box of hatchets.

"It could have been Tails," said Knuckles doubtfully. Indeed, everyone's favorite fox midget was not in the room.

"No…" said the detective in a deep voice for some reason. "I know who did it…"

"Who?' wondered Shadow.

"It was ME!" yelled the detective. He ripped off his facemask to reveal Morgan Freeman, who then ripped off his facemask to reveal…

"Rouge?" Sonic said quizzically.

"Drat!" came the voice. "That must be from my session with… er, never mind!" Rouge ripped off her facemask to reveal Eggman. "The author forgot to put me in earlier this chapter, so here I am!" he yelled. "The Egg Penguin is fully operational! Prepare to meet your doom…s! Dooms!"

"Wait… so you were the one sending the mysterious notes and throwing hatchets around?" asked Tails.

"What? What gave you that foolish idea?" asked Eggman. "That was clearly the shadowy assassin lurking outside the window!" He reached out with a long arm and dragged the shadowy assassin inside. "And that would be… CHARMY!"

"WHAT?" screamed Shadow.

"Think about it!" protested Eggman. "He had the resources, the motive and the alibi!"

"He has none of those things," growled Tails.

"Yes I do!" screamed the bee in a deafeningly high-pitched voice. The glass in the window shattered. "Despite my humble beginnings as a member of the poorest crime-fighting agency in town, I had grand pre-beginnings as a member of a Mafia family!"

Sonic's head disappeared in a cloud of steam shooting from his ears. "You did not grow up in a Mafia family!" he bellowed. "I have a baby book showing you living in an abandoned Coke can lined with Styrofoam packing pellets for the first three years of your life, and-"

"SHUT IT!" screamed Charmy. "I have plenty of reasons to kill you all! After Sonic Heroes, my role as Most Annoying Voice in the Sonic Series was secure. But then Shadow the Hedgehog came along, and you all threatened to take me off that place! Shadow sounded like he was a stoned telemarketer, Tails squealed like that girl in the second Indiana Jones movie, Knuckles sounded like Bob Hoskins, and Sonic was downright unbearable! I'd never be able to compete in such a market!"

"But we're much less annoying in Sonic Riders!" objected Tails.

"You only know that based on an online trailer that stalled five hundred times and skipped half the frames!" Charmy screeched. "I can't take it any more!"

"Well, so you have the resources and the motive," Knuckles reasoned. "So what's your alibi?"

"No one would ever expect me!" Charmy shrieked. "I'm too cute and adorable and kickable! I could just hide in a box of crayons if anyone suspected me!"

The Egg Penguin opened fire on the bee, sending him flying far away.

"I couldn't tolerate that loser either!" said Eggman furiously. "But now, I'm afraid, it's time for you to DIE!"

The Egg Penguin began to load its guns.

"This is no good," Sonic said angrily. "We have no weapons at all!"

"Sure we do," argued Knuckles. "We have some serious firepower!"

"WHERE?"

"My guns," grinned Knuckles, flexing his muscles.

Sonic seethed.

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Please review!


	31. Censorship!

Sonic Insanity

Before we begin, a short montage of quotes regarding this fanfiction.

"That was fcking hilarious." –Cheesemonger.

"That was hilarious!" –kj

"Eh, this chapter seemed short." –Tweedle Dumbass

"You never cease to make me laugh." –seastone130

"plz continue" –The anonymus elmo

"I'll have you know that this story sucks… it's because this story is good and it doesn't suck, clearly proving my theory." –uhyeahitsteamdark

"This chapter made me laugh so hard…" –Carnage Canine

"Good job! Awesomeness!" –Justin Time

And that was just the first page, out of sixteen, and it wasn't even all the reviews! And out of 229 reviews and counting, none have been bad!

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The Egg Penguin opened fire. A hail of missiles burst from its beak, all coming directly toward our heroes… and Tails. It sure did not look good, that was for sure. If only they could be saved by some kind of author-like presence… oh wait.

Fortunately, Knuckles jumped in front of them, deflecting all the missiles with his incredibly masculine chest. Sonic was torn between envy of Knuckles' abs, admiration that he had just saved them, and fury at the sheer physics of such a thing. Then Knuckles' muscles somehow began to shift robotically, revealing large guns.

"… Wow. That _is _really the worst pun ever," Shadow pointed out.

Knuckles' "guns" blasted Eggman away, leaving him somewhere in the Sahara Desert. As the dust cleared, there was a short silence.

"That's pretty awkward, Knuckles," Shadow said.

"Yeah… might wanna work on that one a bit before you use it at a party," Sonic said comfortingly.

"Just smooth out the bad parts and all," Tails reassured him.

"I just SAVED you!" Knuckles snarled. "It's not some comedy act I'm using at a party!"

"Yeah, yeah, just use my advice and you'll do great," said Sonic, leaving the room.

"All you need is some fine-tuning," Tails called as he departed.

"Keep it up and you might be twice as funny as Will Ferrell!" said Shadow, ensuring that Will Ferrell-lovers everywhere would flame the author. "And then it's not far until you're a billionth as funny as Mecha Scorpion!" Shadow left.

Knuckles, his teeth grinding with fury, sat down and listened to the radio. "Ooh! I love the song on the basis that it's rap and it's on the radio!" said Knuckles. "I have to download it on my iPod!" Once his every-freaking-kid-in-my-school-with-an-iPod impersonation was finished, Knuckles listened to the song. It was "Shake That" by Eminem. As he relaxed and enjoyed the "song," he began to notice something wrong. Tails was standing there, making obnoxious rap beat noises with his mouth.

"PPPPPPPP, ptttttz-kkkkk, ptz-k! PPPPPPPPPP, pttttz-kkkkk, ptz-k!" Tails, seeing Knuckles' fists clench, quickly ran away. Knuckles returned his attention to the song. Nate Dogg began to sing.

"Some girls act retarded! Some girls are bout it bout it! I'm looking for a girl that'll do whatever the **BEEP** I say every day she be giving it up…"

Meanwhile, Sonic, upstairs, was preparing to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. As he turned on the sound system, the resulting noise was so loud that Knuckles couldn't hear the radio. When Knuckles turned it back on, he heard another song. Sighing, he listened to it, loving every second of it. Later, he wouldn't be able to tell you what song it was, but he was drinking.

Sonic finally got his needlessly complex TV system worked out and began Harry Potter. "Hah! Finally, I've remembered!" he cackled. "I'm writing a tally for this movie! Let's see… number of times a teenage sexual reference is made… number of times the actor playing Voldemort overacts… number of times the actor playing Mad-Eye Moody overacts… number of times over 100 pages in a row of the book were skipped to make the movie short enough for the ADD generation…" As he continued with his list, Sonic watched and watched and watched. Unfortunately, since he was watching it on TV, he forgot about the cursed censors.

"Number of times it was clear that the actress playing Hermione had PMS… number of times it was clear that the actor playing Ron had PMS... number of times one character talked about getting someone's 'wand in a knot…' number of…" Sonic looked up. "Wait… I thought there was a scene here! They skipped a scene!" Sonic frantically tried to think of why such a thing had happened. "Oh yeah, Harry says 'damn' in that scene…. Well, that's no reason to censor a movie! I'm tired of these censors!"

Knuckles, downstairs, was listening to the radio still. It had been less than an hour, and Shake That came back on again.

"I think there should a be a once-a-day limit," he growled, mortally afraid of his own growing intolerance of the song, but he listened.

"Some girls are BEEEEP! Some girls are bout it bout it!" crooned Nate Dogg. Knuckles punched the radio, destroying it completely.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!" he screamed. "The censor for 'retarded' has been CHANGED, for the same song, over less than an hour! And it'll probably just change back again! I'm tired of censorship's arbitrary rules!" Knuckles suited up into his Censor-Fighting Man costume, which meant he put on a tiara and a pinstriped suit. Tails and Shadow jumped down the stairs.

"We'll help!" they chorused.

"Why?"

"Um… cause we like to tag along," said Tails.

"Because I'm a solo loner, which means I should become part of a group," Shadow declared.

"Well, I hate censorship too," Sonic said, dashing down the stairs, "so I'll help you."

"Well, one thing's for sure," said Knuckles. "They'll never censor US!"

"Yeah," Sonic announced. "Despite their hardest efforts, they'll never restrain what WE do… gosh darnit!"

Everyone stared.

"Gee whiz!" said Sonic mournfully. "Looks like I'm stuck not swearing for the rest of my life!" Although his face looked furious and he was clearly screaming at the top of his lungs, his voice was calm and quiet… it also didn't completely match the way his lips moved. But that might have just been Sega's poor translation.

"Aw, man!" Shadow whined.

"Oh, heck!" Knuckles wailed.

"Dad gum!" Tails declared.

So, after a furious black mail session with the author that involved hostages, an ice skating contest, and a menacing can of spam, the heroes regained their ability to curse. (I will censor it, because I try not to swear in my fics, but you'll recognize the difference.)

"#, this feels good!" Sonic rejoiced.

"Oh, #!$ yeah!" Knuckles whooped.

"!$# #!$ !$# mother#!#!" Shadow laughed.

"Oh, geez, heck, darn!" Tails said.

Everyone looked at him. It appeared that Tails actually swore like that.

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Review!


	32. Latin Lessons and the Rodeo Choir

Sonic Insanity

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Eggman began moodily developing another plan. This time he wasn't going to attack Sonic and his crew… he had other plans. It was the Chaos Emeralds this time! Nobody would see it coming, not even the government! He chuckled silently. Now he needed some sort of machine to take over the world… how about…

"THE EGG SHOE SALE?" he screamed.

Metal Sonic was lazily watching TV. "How about no?"

"Bah phooey!" sneered Eggman. "I know where these Chaos Emeralds are. They are all essentially unprotected, despite their capacity to destroy the world. Now, using my Rodeo Choir, I-"

Metal Sonic began to sputter incoherently, throwing the TV remote right through the screen. Since it was holographic TV, nothing happened. "THE RODEO CHOIR? This is nonsense!" he roared. "What possible purpose could a… a _Rodeo Choir… _fulfill?"

So, Eggman's evil plan was diverted by the two of them arguing. Eggman wanted the Egg Shoe Sale and a Rodeo Choir, whereas Metal Sonic was in favor of the Egg Calligraphy Scroll and a Friday Fish Fry Brigade. Both ideas were inherently stupid, so we now cut to everyone's favorite Master Emerald guardian, for even more stupidity.

"Hahaha! Those were the days!" sighed Knuckles, watching Sex and the City. "Carrie knew better than to date that Yugoslavian baggage handler!"

Sonic sped in, creating a large Sonic-shaped hole in the door… even though it was open. "Yo, Knux, what ya watching?"

"OH NOTHING JUST MY EXTREMELY MASCULINE FOOTBALL," screamed Knuckles, quickly hiding his latte and pulling out a beer.

"Are you watching Sex and the City?' asked Sonic, a smile playing across his features.

"Um… I watch it for the nudity, that's all," Knuckles explained.

"There is none."

"Um… they're still hot," Knuckles decided, hoping Sonic wouldn't inquire too further.

"Still," Sonic grinned, "you are watching a soap opera, you know that, right?"

"Hey, Sonic," said Tails, bursting into the room, "I got the TV guide for this week, and I highlighted everything that you should watch!"

"The O.C?" chortled Knuckles, grabbing it from Tails and flipping it open. "Well, I suppose Friends could be worse… but there are some chick flicks here. Legally Blonde… Must Love Dogs… wow. Wait a minute…" Knuckles began to clutch his sides. "WILL AND GRACE? AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Sonic began to chase Tails around the house while Knuckles cracked up.

"Well, if I'm going to be blamed, then Shadow has to be accused as well!" grumbled Sonic, returning with Tails tied in a knot around his fist. "He was the one who went to Brokeback Mountain!"

"How about we all accept this fact," Shadow proposed. "None of us are completely masculine, but in the face of such obvious femininity as Tails, we're all highly manly. Sound good?"

"Yes," they all replied, except an outraged Tails.

"And anyway, everyone knows that Shadow's the biggest girl," Sonic snapped. "He listens to My Chemical Romance, for god's sake!" With a snap, Sonic pulled out a piece of paper. "This is some of his gothic poetry!"

"Hey, guys can write gothic poetry too!" Shadow growled, trying to seize back the paper.

"Anyway," Sonic continued, "this is Shadow's poem, the… wait a minute… THE FAKER?" His face contorted. Shadow quickly grabbed it from him and began to read aloud. (I will try to put it in italics, but since QuickEdit will undoubtedly mess it up, I'll make it even clearer.)

The Faker by Shadow the Hedgehog

_Once upon a midnight boring, as in bed I slumbered snoring,_

_Dreaming of how games like mine should have been made before._

_I dreamed these dreams while napping. Suddenly there came a tapping,_

_It was like someone was rapping, rapping loudly at my door._

"_Just some ghetto dork," I muttered, "rapping while he's at my door,_

_Just a poser, nothing more."_

_Oh, how well I do remember. It was in the month December,_

_And I had an awful temper from my shopping at the store._

_Eagerly I wished to borrow, presents for Christmas tomorrow,_

_Cause that store had caused me sorrow; Christmas shopping was a bore._

_So I dreamed of Christmas coming, and no shopping at the store,_

_Cause I'll do that nevermore._

_And my desk was such a clutter, that I simply had to mutter,_

"_This visitor should realize the hour is almost four,_

_I don't want to meet this person, I am no longer uncertain,"_

_And this whole time I was cursing at this rapper at my door._

"_Just a rapper I'll ignore!"_

_I decided then to meet him, but I wouldn't brightly greet him,_

_I'd just talk with him and meet him, but then if he was a bore,_

_I'd be furious with fury, I'd take him before a jury,_

_Then I'd go get a McFlurrie at McDonalds just next door._

_I got up and, quite annoyed, I walked out to unlock the door._

_Darkness there, and nothing more._

_I was very irritated. This idiot had invaded!_

_He had sneaked into my house some way I had not known before._

_While I came out to greet him, but at my door I did not meet him!_

_Now I certainly would beat him when I found that stupid bore._

_I grabbed a nearby weapon, which I would use to threaten,_

_This idiot who'd crept in while he rapped outside my door._

_Oh, he'd suffer, that was sure._

"This poem is terrible!" said Sonic. "It's also a rip-off! Just summarize the rest of it, please."

"Fine," grumbled Shadow, "but I'll get it published. Anyway, so Shadow sneaks back into his bedroom to find that Sonic had snuck into his house in order to steal his food. So Shadow meets him, and all the Faker will say is, "Your mom's poor!" So eventually Shadow gets so angry from hearing this that he runs up the wall, grabs Faker off of the shelf he's sitting on, and gives him the beating of his life before throwing him out of the house."

"That's still a horrible poem," objected Sonic.

"So sue me," Shadow said smugly, sauntering slowly sideways. Yes, I realize that was alliteration (except for the word me, so shut up).

Sonic, grumbling, walked off, giving a last retort of "Limp Bizkit is still terrible" as he left. He was hit in the back of the head with a flying Limp Bizkit CD as he left, and he and Shadow promptly began to fight.

Tails, ignored as usual, walked up to his room and began to write in his journal.

_Day 2,874 of my existence_

_Sonic and Shadow are fighting again. I wish they could just see that life is too short to waste on fighting, that you have to enjoy each other. But I wouldn't know that if I had had friends, like they did. Despite their rivalry, Sonic and Knuckles are good pals, and Shadow's their buddy too. But I just don't belong. I've never really had anyone to talk to. That's why I have you to listen to me, journal…_

_I like to just watch my lava lamp and think about what life would be like if they hadn't had the divorce. Before then, everything was so calm. I'd give anything for life to be how it was back then. First they started to argue. Then came the day when they asked me which one they wanted to live with… so I ran away, and Sonic took me in. But he only really likes me cause of my inventions… if I wasn't so smart, I'd have nobody._

_I remember when all I had to worry about was fitting in at school, and about my Christmas presents and stuff like that. Now, every day makes me a little bit sadder inside, like I know that one more piece of my life went by and I was still alone. There's only one life, then it's all over. And people waste it…_

_Now I worry about being who I want myself to be. Nobody seems to understand anything about me. I wish they could just see who I want to be, and that it's just as good as what they want. You can't spend your life trying to change someone else's… that's wasting two lives, and then…_

"Tails, this is blatant lies!" Sonic shouted. "Your parents never got a divorce, they loved each other and they still do! You don't even own a lava lamp! Knuckles, Shadow and I all like you more than we like each other, your inventions have given you more fun than anything else, and nobody's pressuring you to be anything! We give you tons of free space!"

"Well, what about those fanfiction authors who structure entire plots around my inventions?" asked Tails sulkily.

"Well, that's a different matter," Sonic amended.

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I was very uninspired while writing this chapter, so sorry if anything is worse than usual… review!

.. (two dots! Yay)

Knuckles suddenly appeared. "Look, don't tell anyone I'm here, OK? I left the fanfic so I could avoid my Latin lessons. Down to the depths with bloody Latin lessons!" He suddenly shook his head. "Oh, curses! Looks like I'm stuck parlaying in Pirates o' the Caribbean talk from now on! Dead men tell no tales, aye, true be that… looks like I'd better get outta Dodge now," he warned us, his voice returning to normal. "Anything but Latin lessons." He jumped away.


	33. Flogging Molly Rules!

Sonic Insanity

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"Did you even see Wedding Crashers?" demanded Knuckles. "It was a great movie! A movie of womanizing, of drunkenness, of Owen Wilson! It had Christopher Walken in it!"

"Well, so did Kangaroo Jack," Tails reminded him. "The 40-Year-Old Virgin was much better! The constant pop-culture references didn't feel phony! It was real!"

"Well, seeing as you're a virgin…" snickered Knuckles.

"What would you expect? I'm six years old!" snarled Tails.

The argument continued. Sonic rolled his eyes. He turned on the TV, to the news, and began to listen.

"I'm sure that was quite the St. Patrick's Day celebration," chuckled the announcer. "Before our major headline, there will be a quick announcement: Your mother is like breakfast on Sunday! More on that later. Now for tonight's top story-"

"It's noon," interrupted Shadow.

"Shut up, Sonic," the reporter grumbled. Sonic began to convulse with anger. "Scientists have been developing a car that can fly like a plane. George W. Bush sent legislation to Congress asking to remove money from the Social Security fund in order to finance the new technology."

The screen cut to Bush.

"So, Mr. President, what effect will this have on the already suffering Social Security fund?"

"Well, I never did like old people much anyway, and it doesn't seem like anyone else does either," replied Bush happily. "Shoot, Dick Cheney shot and killed an old guy and nobody cared! So they can just go without payment for all I care. All I know is, my vacation would sure be a lot more fun with one of them things…"

The screen cut to the reporter.

"The President purchased two of these new cars with 5 billion dollars that was supposed to go to starving families," the reporter said. "Here is some footage of he, Cheney, and some Texas friends of his in the car planes, hunting ducks."

The screen cut to Bush and a bunch of rednecks, drinking beer and driving the planes around. Bush was driving one car/plane while downing a six-pack of beer, aiming his rifle out the window and shooting at ducks. All of them were completely drunk, and would let out a loud "Yee-haw!" every several seconds. One of them was trying to lasso ducks by throwing a lasso out of the plane. The car/planes were open-air, and occasionally they would push each other out of the plane and laugh merrily.

Dick Cheney was driving the other car/plane, but instead of shooting ducks he was trying to shoot the people in the other plane. Whenever this happened, he would look away from the controls and make sharp nosedives toward the ground that he would pull out of just in time. He and Bush, as drunk as they were, began to try to ram their car/planes into each other head-on. Eventually, they destroyed each other's engines and crash-landed.

"Whoo-ey!" called Bush. "There goes our picnic basket!"

Sonic shut off the TV, disgusted. The government crashing car/planes while drunk, Tails and Knuckles arguing about movies… things could hardly be any worse. Shadow jumped into the room.

"Man, Flogging Molly… what a great group!" he declared, opening his beer by smashing it over Knuckles' head and drinking out of the hole in the bottle. "They have a song called Drunken Lullabies! How cool is that?"

"Eh… Dropkick Murphy is more my style for Irish rock," objected Sonic.

"Dropkick Murphy isn't Irish rock! Their lead singer just has an Irish accent!" objected Shadow. "Flogging Molly is the spirit of Ireland! They have one song called 'Irish Drinking Song.' Or maybe it's Irish Pub Song, I don't know. So, basically, here's what happened…" In a flashback style, Shadow began to narrate the tale of the Irish Drinking Song.

"So, a guy in Ireland comes home and he's drunk out of his mind," Shadow declared, while an Irish man stumbled into his home. "His wife tells him that's enough, and she doesn't want him in the house."

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US? I THOUGHT I MEANT SOMETHING TO YOU? YOU JUST LIKE ALCOHOL BECAUSE IT'S HOTTER THAN ME!" she screeched, casting the poor Irish bum out.

"So, old Shamrock trots off to Kelly's pub, where he tells the boys his story and they have another round of alcohol," Shadow described happily. The Irish man stumbled into the pub.

"Argh, the old wifey cast me out agin," he mumbled, drinking from a foaming tankard of brew. "Sayin' ah bin drinkin' or some such nonsense. Old hen's out of 'er mind, ah tell yeh." He took another slurp and began to listen to other people's stories.

"Then," continued Shadow, "they drink and drink and fight and sleep around with women and drink some more. Then he describes some broad named 'Mary MacGregor."

"Hey, I knew her in college!" Knuckles declared, rubbing the welt on his head.

"Like you ever went to college," said Shadow. "So then Mary dies and everyone's sad, so, obviously, they solve their problems by drinking, fighting and sleeping around."

"You know, your little narration thing ended," Sonic objected.

"The author is far too lazy to continue it," Shadow agreed sadly. "Anyway, so then he goes all sentimental by talking about how he loved a girl, but she rejected him… or something, I don't know. So he drops in to Kelly's pub for a pint and they fight and sleep around and drink. The end!"

"What a lovely story," Sonic commented.

"This is why Flogging Molly rocks," Shadow agreed, and they went down to Kelly's pub to… you know. They stuffed Tails in the wastebasket, as he was far too young for alcohol.

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The next chapter got deleted, due to my stupid computer, so I have to rewrite it… man, it was a really good chapter too, so I'll have to put a new one together short notice. See ya!


	34. Prepare To Meet Your Maker

Sonic Insanity

I forgot to refer to this in my last chapter. I refuse to retract my statement about My Chemical Romance. They are girly. I imagine these "guys" who listen to it are either a) the kind of guy who just listens to any song on the radio that he can remember for more than 20 seconds, or b) encouraged to by their girlfriends. This is just my opinion, not making it solid fact, but they're very girly…I would get more into this, but I'm probably just sinking myself deeper into sexist territory, and I'd rather start the chapter.

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"Oh, no…" groaned Shadow, hanging up the phone.

"Why? What happened?" said Knuckles with alarm.

"Well, after the way I treated Amy after we went to the bar…" groaned Shadow. "I think she might break up with me."

"We all knew THAT," commented Sonic.

Flashback…

"IKEA?" screamed Shadow into the phone. "You're joking! I hate Ikea! I despise shopping! It's for losers!" He listened a bit longer. "I don't care what new stuff you need, you'll never be as hot as I would like!" He continued to listen. "Cry me a river! Go drown your sorrows in Napoleon Dynamite or something, he's the best you deserve…"

End flashback…

"Yeah, I'd say your chances might be ruined," said Sonic.

"More like yours…" smirked Shadow.

"Why?"

"Well, once we break up, she'll be looking for a new boyfriend," grinned Shadow. "Probably to make me jealous… and not only does she like you, but she knows we're rivals."

Sonic's eyes widened, but it was too late. Amy kicked down the door, looking murderous.

"You know," said Shadow, hoping to sound casual, "Take Me Out To The Ball Game is a great song to sing while you're drunk-"

He was hit in the chest by a hammer.

"YOUUUUUUU!" she shrieked. "That's for insulting me so much! Ikea is a great place! And so is Napoleon Dynamite! I don't need you! I just need to get all my shoes and furs and purses!"

"You don't live here!" croaked Shadow. "Why would you have any stuff over here?"

"Good point," she said, leaving.

"How unusual," Sonic grinned. Shadow breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Suddenly, the door burst open, and Eggman's enormous machine forced its way through.

"Why didn't you just knock the door down?" said Knuckles, not taking his eyes away from the TV… even though it wasn't turned on.

"I've been trying to lose weight," Eggman said.

"So your weight loss program consists of denying that you're fat," Tails said flatly.

"Yep, pretty much…" Eggman said listlessly, drumming his fingers.

"But if YOU'RE losing weight, why would the machine's weight matter?" wondered Sonic aloud.

"Look, it's implausible, all right?' snarled Eggman. "Now, prepare to meet your maker!"

"Hah! We won't be dying any time soon!" Sonic declared, jumping out of his chair and landing flat on his face.

"Oh, no… death's too harsh a fate for you," grinned Eggman. "I have something MUCH, MUCH worse…"

"If death is too harsh, then why are you doing something worse?" Sonic demanded, peeling himself off the floor.

"SILENCE! I won't be spoken to like that!" Eggman bellowed. "As I was saying before Little Miss Blue Quills interrupted, it's time you met your makers!"

"But if we're not going to die, how can you arrange such a thing?" inquired Sonic.

"Well," grinned Eggman, "Shadow's maker is right here… my grandfather!"

"I was under the impression he was dead," objected Shadow.

"Well, so was your mother," Eggman declared, causing Shadow to emit small shrieks of outrage. "Come on out, Gramps!"

A very elderly man stepped out of the walker. "My eyes aren't what they used to be… but that looks like my old creation Shadow! How ya doing?"

"Um… good, I guess," mumbled Shadow, distinctly aware of how awkward this was.

"Can I go back to sleep now?" asked Gerald irritably.

"Fine," said Eggman dismissively. "Now, the rest of you… prepare for the worst sight in the world… the man who created you!"

It was Yuji Naka.

"SO?" screamed Sonic at the top of his lungs. "We already know that!"

"Ah, but the story of your creation is terrible…er… more terrible… whatever," said Eggman.

"I remember it like it wasn't yesterday," old Yuji recalled almost fondly. A flashback came out…

"So, you think you could beat me in one-on-one, huh, small fry?" asked a burly boy, bouncing a basketball up and down.

Yuji, a small, bespectacled boy wearing a Hawaii shirt, scoffed. "Dude, I would SCHOOL you in basketball! I'd just be like, WHAAAAAAT Germaine's house WHAAAAAAAAT (while saying this he covered his mouth with a hand and waved his other hand in all directions) and I'd have 50,000 points!"

"Um… OK…" said the older boy. "But, I could still beat you…"

"Uh, that's a no-go," said Yuji, grinning widely and speaking in a mock-geeky voice. "This is not an amusing ordeal, so if you'll excuse me…"

The flashback ended. Everyone was glaring at Yuji.

"Oops, guess that's my memories of the high school prom," Yuji giggled sheepishly. "Let's see…"

The new flashback showed Yuji at a table with several other Chinese/Japanese people.

"What are you drawing, Shigeru?" asked Yuji curiously, pointing at Shigeru's drawing.

"SHUT UP! It has to have two screens! IT MUST! I will settle for nothing less! I'll just have to bide my time…" cackled Shigeru Miyamoto, scribbling frantically at some kind of machine with two screens.

"Hah! Your idea is terrible!" boasted Hideo Kojima. "It's all about the STEALTH, baby! Getting soldiers to drop their dog tags is the new game of the millennium! Just gotta work in a plot somewheres…"

"Meanwhile," said Yuji out loud, as if he was narrating, "I felt overshadowed by my more hard-working, albeit mentally challenged friends. With his talk about dual screen technology and a fat plumber in overalls, Shigeru was definitely the leader of the group. Hideo had all these great ideas about characters with terrible mullets and dog tag dropping skills… I didn't know where I would fit in," he mused sadly. His friends, outraged at his descriptions of them, beat him up and left.

"So," Yuji said, still as if he was narrating his life, "I looked for inspiration in the world around me. That's when I saw a hedgehog running at top speed… a healthy 30 feet per hour. I suddenly saw the potential… the possibilities…"

"What are you talking about?" said Sonic angrily, the flashback temporarily stopping. "You hadn't seen the hedgehog at that point! How could you talk about it as if it had already happened?"

The flashback resumed.

"Shut up, Sonic," said Yuji, even though he was now in the flashback and Sonic was nowhere in sight… in fact, he had no way of knowing Sonic had said anything in the future. Yuji frantically began to sketch.

"Whatcha drawing there?" asked his little brother.

"I saw a hedgehog running at top speed," said Yuji, "and now I'm trying to make a game out of that. Imagine how awesome it would be if you could control a hedgehog that ran at super speeds! Who knows… imagine a hedgehog dashing at 10 miles per hour!"

"Well, you have to make something special about this hedgehog, or no one will want the game," said his brother wisely, who obviously grew up to work in marketing.

"Well… let's make him blue," Yuji suggested. "And he'll have other animal friends, too! And they'll all have names! And they'll all talk! No animal can do that! Bwahaha!" Yuji chuckled insanely while his brother backed away.

"Well, all these animals need to have things that make them different," said his brother, almost gone by now. "And not just their color, or what type of animal they are."

"All right," Yuji snarled as his brother left for good. "Sonic the blue hedgehog… he can be a daredevil! Because he's fast! Get it? Hahahahaha! And the fox… can have two tails! But, since he's orange like a regular fox, he needs something else… I know! He can be openly feminine! Then we can have a red porcupine… no, an echidna! He can be good at fighting! And he can guard a big shiny rock, and enjoy rap music! What a genius I am!" Yuji suddenly frowned. "But wait… they can't all do the same thing, or no one will like them! Let's see… fox boy here can have flying levels or something… Knuckles can fight or find jewels… now they just need an enemy…"

"Hi, son! How was school?" asked an enormously fat man with sun glasses, a huge mustache, and long thin legs.

"_Man," _thought Yuji, "_he really does look like an egg…" _He put his drawing away. "Hi, Dad!"

"Hi, dear!" said his mother. "What did you invent today?"

"Well, I've started making all sorts of giant robots for the army," the man said. "You know, soldier robots! And then there are things like robotic hawks and robotic golems and robotic-"

The flashback ended. Eggman looked furious, as did everyone else.

"**You based me off of a hedgehog you saw running around?**" shrieked Sonic.

"_I am not feminine!" _squealed Tails.

"You based me off of your loserly father?" Eggman bellowed.

"**_The Master Emerald is not a big shiny rock!" _**Knuckles roared.

"WE'RE ALL TALKING IN DIFFERENT STYLES OF TEXT!" Shadow shrieked.

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Please review.


	35. The Babylon Rogues and Spittin' Game

Sonic Insanity

Chapter 38 (three chapters from now, meaning the chapter after the chapter after next) will involve fan characters, so please submit some by review or e-mail.

Necessary info for fan characters:

Name: (this is obvious)

Species: (if it's not included in the name then write it down)

Color: (since Sonic characters are usually different colors, do that. And nothing too complex. Do not talk about their clothes or jewelry or shoes, because if you do I will intentionally put them with the wrong accessories.)

Favorite Sonic character: (who are they friends with? This can be more than one)

Least Favorite Sonic character: (enemies, can also be more than one)

Rival Character: (this one isn't required but it helps.)

General Personality: (duh)

I don't want any intricate back stories involving death and redemption and microwaves exploding. This is a humor fic, and they'll probably only appear for one chapter.

You cannot submit yourself as a fan character unless you are either (a) a human, in which case your part will probably be pretty small, or (b) your username is sort of like a Sonic character's name. So, please give me as many as I can, and I'll insert them.

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Knuckles, with a loud karate scream, flung himself across the room, vaulted over a counter, and performed a forward flip while spinning 360 degrees over the couch. He grabbed a golf club and swung it devastatingly hard into Sonic's crotch. (What a way to start a fanfic, huh?)

Sonic, predictably, began to scream and curse with white-hot intensity. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"Oh, sorry, didn't see you there," Knuckles said unconvincingly.

"DIDN'T SEE ME?" Sonic's face contorted for a full five minutes, no words escaping his lips. Then he burst. "Knuckles, I've HAD IT! There is no chance you are allowed to remain in this house if this happens again!" Knuckles' eyebrows shot up. Apparently, Sonic was being lenient by offering him a second chance.

"But still," threatened Sonic, "one more toe out of line and you're toothpicks!"

Shadow coughed out a spurt of coffee. "Did you just say 'one more toe out of line and you're toothpicks?' TOOTHPICKS?" he howled to the heavens.

"Oh yeah, that was from my old piano lessons," Sonic reminisced.

Flashback…

"Come on! Come on! Play the six notes in order!" screamed a strangely Eggman-like man as a young Sonic stumbled over the correct notes. The man removed his fake mustache, which was covering a real mustache that looked exactly like the fake one, and grinned. "Hah! The young hero will never know how I've programmed the piano to electrocute anyone who plays those six notes in that order… UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE! Ah hah ha!" Sonic played the six notes perfectly and nothing happened.

"Curses! Should have plugged in the power," seethed Eggman.

End flashback…

"My piano teacher was Eggman the whole time!" gasped Sonic. "The horror… imagine the ways he could have twisted and shaped my young, impressionable mind…"

"Sonic, he gave you piano lessons," Knuckles sneered. "All he could have done is taught you how to play the piano wrong. Secondly, how did that prove your toothpick theory?"

"Oh yeah, that was my other teacher," Sonic remembered fondly.

Another flashback…

"Play the notes! Play them! Play them!" screeched Sonic's piano teacher, smacking his student with a baseball bat while Sonic desperately tried to play. This was all during a piano recital in front of everyone, of course.

"Ow! I'm trying… it's not easy with both hands tied behind my back!" snarled Sonic.

"SILENCE! One wrong note and you're toothpicks! I kid you not… another mistakes and it's toothpicks for you!" bellowed the teacher.

Sonic, understandably, was not intimidated, but then the teacher smacked him in the face and he kept playing.

End flashback…

"Ah, good times," smiled Sonic fondly.

"Sounds awful," Shadow said, raising his eyebrow.

"Move aside, black fur!" shouted a voice, and three figures on hovering boards burst in through the wall. They were all birds. One was a green hawk, the other a purple swallow, and the last a grey albatross.

"Jet… Wave… and Storm!" roared the green one. "The Babbling Dopes… I mean, Babylon Rogues are ready for action! That loser Shadow was barely in the last game!"

"Yeah, cause I had a starring role in Shadow the Hedgehog," grinned Shadow. "I doubt even your prestigious role as sidekicks in the last game will ever get you your own entire game! You'll never see another game! You'll be relegated to the anime TV show for all eternity! The Babylon Rogues… ARE NO MORE! Mwahahahahahahaha!" Tails played some clashing thunder sound effects on his ghetto blaster, while everyone else just stared.

"Anyway," muttered Sonic nervously, "moving on…"

"The fact remains," Knuckles said, "that there's no use for you guys! I'm a much cooler power character than that overweight pigeon, Wave isn't even hot-" she glared daggers at him- "-so Rouge fills her position, and Sonic and Shadow have Jet covered pretty well! There's no use! The only place for you is the sequel to Sonic Heroes… providing there is one, of course."

"But… we're original!" protested Jet feebly. "We have attitude!"

"Not as much as me," Shadow smirked.

"We're individuals!" spat Jet. "Wave is a mechanic! Storm is stupid and clumsy! I have a rivalry with Sonic!"

"Tails is a mechanic, Big is stupid and clumsy, and Shadow also had a rivalry with Sonic," replied Knuckles patiently.

"Well, um… you see, the thing is, I'm kind of hungry…" mumbled Storm. Wave poked him in the eye with the tip of her wing.

"Maybe if I wore suspenders…" mused Jet.

"GET OUT!" screamed Sonic, shooting a flamethrower at them. It missed and most of the wall caught on fire. Knuckles spit on it and the fire was put out… oddly enough.

"How'd you do that? You can't just spit on flames to put em out!" objected Tails.

"See, if you're a pimp, spitting ain't the same," grinned Knuckles. "Being a pimp, I have a special chemical compound I spit that can do anything…"

"Tell the joke and get it over with," growled Sonic.

"I spit GAME at the fire!" smiled Knuckles. "I spit game at 'em, and those fires just can't resist! They get put out just like that!" He snapped his fingers with an explosive noise. Shadow, furious, picked up Jet and threw him at Knuckles… or he would have if Jet had still been standing there. It turned out that Wave, Storm and Jet had all left.

"Um…" said Shadow awkwardly.

"Anyhow," commented Knuckles in a very Ben Stein-like voice (just inserting the obligatory celebrity reference). "We don't really have much of a plot right now, so…"

Just as he said that, something happened that changed everything.

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Deadlines are here, so I'll have to leave you in suspense. What will change everything? Find out.


	36. Mortal Kombat and the Soup Nazi

Sonic Insanity

So far we have an unbelievable 10 characters, submitted by Chaotix Extremist, molly-mouse616, Hyper metal Sonic X, TexasGal4, Cheesemonger, AgodofIrony, Shiay, Clan rHrn, Shadow555555, and a line of asterisks in a row. In the process, I have attracted four new reviewers (Shiay, Hyper metal sonic X, TexasGal4 and Shadow55555), but the line of asterisks may possibly be new. Due to limits of story size, I can't include any more, so please do not send any more. I will make sure to use all of them, even though they can't all be in one chapter like I planned. But keep on reviewing!

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"It is really time this story took off in some direction," pointed out Tails. "What could we do?"

"Um… write books about our experiences?" wondered Knuckles.

Sonic began to spit and cough. "Ach-TOOEY! Blecch! That's AWFUL! TERRIBLE! The worst idea in years!"

Every idea that they came up with met a similar rejection from Sonic.

"All right," said Shadow, looking angry, "we could be crime fighters!"

"Don't we already?" asked Tails.

"AAAAAAAAAUGH! What a horrendous idea!" spat Sonic. "But… oh, I know…" The gleam of madness/indigestion was glimmering in his eyes.

"What?" asked Knuckles.

"We could fight crime!"

"I just said that!" howled Shadow.

"My timing is better," smiled Sonic kindly, patting Shadow on the head. While the black hedgehog choked and spat incoherently with rage, Sonic said, "But, if it makes Black Fur here happy, we could do community service instead."

"I think it's a good idea!" Tails grinned. "We'll get to be a greater part of our community- helping the underprivileged in their path to something more and the criminals in their path to redemption. By assisting these ordinary people of the earth, we can get a true insight into the psyche of someone who, despite their troubles, can only do what they can to help others. And then there's the-"

"Um, it was more about the free food, but that works too," Sonic said.

While Tails hung his head in shame, everyone else packed up what they'd need and drove off to the nearby soup kitchen.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" asked Shadow suspiciously as Knuckles stepped out of the car.

"See where it says Pappy Jenkins' Broth n' Beef Hall?" asked Knuckles.

"No…"

"Oh," said Knuckles, embarrassed. "Well, this is the place."

They stepped into the building and signed themselves up. Picking up bowls, they began to receive large dollops of soup from the other workers.

"Oh, so Sonic the Hedgehog can't afford food now, huh?" sneered one of the soup servers.

"What? We're here to work!" said Sonic indignantly.

"Then start serving soup! The job isn't to GET soup, it's to SERVE it!" snarled the soup server.

Knuckles, his eyes narrowing, got over to the right side of the soup counter. "My apologies, friend," he grinned, extending his hand in a gesture of welcome.

Suspiciously, the guy took it. Knuckles suddenly grabbed his hand extremely hard and punched him in the face with the other hand. He then grabbed the guy by the leg, swung him around in a circle and flung him into a wall.

"Finish him!" said some big booming voice a la Mortal Kombat. Knuckles performed a shockingly violent Fatality on the guy.

Sonic, Tails and Shadow got into the line to serve soup, which they did. However, the soup server's friends were attacking Knuckles. He surrounded them, outnumbering them 1 to 15… oh wait.

He was ready anyway. Knuckles performed all sorts of preposterous moves that sent his enemies flying in all directions. He pulled out a flamethrower (um…) and blasted one person with it.

"Toasty!" exclaimed the booming-voiced announcer. Finally, for the last guy, Knuckles defeated him with a series of high and low kicks, and then finally gave him a bunch of flowers.

"Friendship… _friendship?" _exclaimed the announcer in disgust (you can do that in one of the Mortal Kombat games). Everyone looked at the soup line, where a hobo with a huge sound system and a deep-voice mike had been announcing the match.

"Uh… I'll leave," he explained.

"Good for you," said Shadow nervously.

"Wow… all that fighting builds up an appetite… I'll just have a little soup," Knuckles said. Receiving glares from everyone, he held his bowl out for some soup.

"No soup for you!" said the Soup Nazi.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Knuckles, full of fear for this agent of evil. He performed an outlandish kick on the Soup Nazi, but nothing happened.

"He is beyond human…" said Tails, as if he had any evidence or basis for his judgments. "His soul is one of Seinfeld's now… a mysterious realm where comedy is everywhere and the funny are revered by society…"

"I'll have to go there," muttered Chevy Chase, a hobo in the soup line.

Knuckles attempted several more lightning-fast moves, but the Soup Nazi grabbed him by the throat. Knuckles' mind shot to an obvious conclusion…

"Help! Help! Anti-Semitism!" he screamed. People looked at him.

"The Soup Nazi! Anti-Semitism! He's come to take my Jewish soul away!" Knuckles roared.

"He's not called the Soup Nazi because he's a Nazi, just cause he's strict about giving out soup," Tails said.

"Oh," Knuckles growled angrily. The Soup Nazi threw him into a wall, and then ran away.

Three hours later

"Well, so far this has been a total disaster," snarled Sonic. "After all that Mortal Kombat nonsense, we had to deal with the Soup Nazi! I won't even talk about the cherry bomb in the chicken broth… then there was the food fight where Tails got stabbed with the corner of a folded napkin…"

"I'll call the hospital," said Shadow sarcastically. "You weren't the one who had to fight off the Mafia when we refused to pay their 'protection' fee!"

"And I got beaten up by the Soup Fuhrer, after taking out 15 hobos," Knuckles spat.

"Looks like Community service just ain't for us," mused Shadow. "What should we do now?"

"Well, we could fight crime," Sonic said. "And it's all thanks to my ideas that we can."

Shadow screamed.

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Review, and submit those fan characters!


	37. If You Give A Bear A Valentine

Sonic Insanity

Hey, everyone! Fan characters are next chapter!

**WE HAVE THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN REVIEWS! **Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed. Let's go to 400!

I think I said this last chapter: **I AM NOT ACCEPTING ANY MORE FAN CHARACTERS! **But there was some confusion when apparently I asked for more. This might have been because I wrote that chapter far in advance, then when I realized I had too many characters I added it on last minute without checking anything else. Sorry! I feel bad for all of you who spent all that work on a fan-character and it's no longer eligible. I just have too many.

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Sonic and Tails were playing the Sims on their Game Cube.

"Has anyone noticed that this sort of video-game reference usually comes from what games the author is playing?" Tails asked.

Sonic approached Tails' character and chose to Socialize.

"Sonic! Stop hitting on my character!" snarled Tails. "I'm tired of you turning my character gay! It's juvenile humor!"

"Ha, you said gay," giggled Sonic as he presented Tails' character with flowers.

"Please don't accept them, please don't accept them," Tails begged his character. The character accepted them. Tails roared with anger.

Meanwhile, Knuckles was upstairs, on (probably not a real site). His eyes lit up (more like twitched briefly) as he saw something that attracted his interest.

"Whoa! An interview with 50 Cent about his new album!" Knuckles grinned, clicking on the link. The video showed 50 Cent sitting with a visibly intimidated white host.

"So," the host stammered, "what's the title of your next album, and when can we expect it out?"

"Oh, my album will be out late 2007," 50 said. "It'll be called _Magical Ponies Fo Real."_

The host suddenly looked much less intimidated. "Magical Ponies Fo Real? Aren't you worried that your (snicker) more hardcore audience may not appreciate the subject matter?"

"No, see, that's the thing," 50 Cent explained. "See, I've already proven that when I'm _trying, _I can be real hardcore, more hardcore than everyone else. But on this record, I ain't even trying to be hardcore- I'm singing about these ponies, right? But even so, my record's gonna be even more hardcore than anyone else."

"Right," said the host, plainly trying not to laugh. "What… er… what (chuckle) will the… heehee… cover artwork be? More pictures of you looking intimidating?"

"Nah, man," 50 Cent told him. "It's gonna have me with a big peace sign painted on my vest, riding a pink pony with wings. And we'll be cruising on a sparkly rainbow, and both the pony and I are gonna have do-rags and platinum grills. And there's gonna be flowers everywhere…"

A single laugh barely escaped the host's lips.

"And the first single's gonna be 'Candy Shop, Part Two,'" 50 said. "But this time, it'll actually be about candy, and yummy fudge, and…"

The host keeled over laughing. Knuckles, disgusted, shut off the computer and stood up.

"What about the crime-fighting squad we were going to set up?" Shadow questioned, kicking a hacky-sack around.

"Oh yes," said Sonic. "Well, since I'm always the star of everything, I'll be the commander-in-chief, so-"

"I think I should be in charge this time," said Tails quietly.

Shadow, Knuckles and Sonic looked over at him with tender compassion. How could they have overlooked their small friend for so long? They had overshadowed his accomplishments, repressed his hopes, stifled his-

"Hahahahahahaha!" chuckled Shadow. "Being in charge is _male _work, Tails. You just wouldn't make it!"

The small fox looked downcast. "Well, guess I'll just be the sidekick with all the wacky inventions…"

"That you will," Knuckles said. "We have to have names, though. I vote that the crime fighting squad will be Knuckles and the Idiots."

"How about Faker and the Intelligent People?" suggested Shadow.

"Good idea," Knuckles said, causing Sonic to go scarlet with anger. "So Faker can have his lucky day after all. Now, we all need names. Sonic here can be the Blundering Wonder…"

"_What!" _bellowed Sonic. "I will not stand for this! We should just use our regular names and-"

Knuckles socked him in the mouth. "Tails can be the Short Cohort…"

"What's a cohort?" Shadow asked.

A dictionary fell through the ceiling, conveniently opening to the right page. Knuckles brushed plaster off of it (not noticing it had landed on Sonic's head and smashed him through the floorboards) and read.

"Cohort… um, this is pretty long… er… a sidekick," he shortened it up to.

"OK, good," Shadow said. "And I'll be the-"

"Stupid Chef," Sonic finished.

"Why that?" Shadow growled.

"Well, after the guy who played Chef on South Park quit, we need some Chef character," Sonic said. "But the main reason is that one time when you tried to make olive oil smoothies."

"Don't forget the butter-on-pickles hors d'oeuvres," Tails added, shuddering at the memory.

"Let's make a deal," said Shadow craftily. "I'll go by the name Stupid Chef if you go by the name… Grizzly Sweetheart!"

"NO!" roared Sonic, his fists clenching so tightly that his gloves crinkled. "I thought we promised never to bring that up! NEVER!"

"What happened?" questioned Knuckles.

"Well, I was trying to learn hypnotism about a year ago," grinned Shadow, "and I tried it on faker over here. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was convincing him that he was deeply in love with a grizzly bear in the forest out back-"

"_One thing led to another?" _snarled Sonic, frothing at the mouth. "That was entirely intentional!"

Shadow grinned.

"Don't do it! Please!" begged Sonic. "Anything but a flashback!"

Knuckles held Sonic back while Shadow remembered what had happened.

Flashback…

The woodland creatures fled in terror. The bear was running through the woods again, and he was definitely going to eat whoever was unlucky enough to be out in the open. But when the bear stumbled by them without so much as looking at the few of them who could not hide, they became curious. It seemed that today, the bear was the one being chased instead of the one doing the chasing.

Sonic burst out of the trees, holding a massive, lacey Valentine's Day card in one hand and a box of chocolates in the other. His eyes were strangely glazed over, and Shadow, watching from the top of a tree high above, was giving him commands through hypnosis.

"Be mine, my love!" Sonic cried heartbrokenly. "I adore you with every fiber of my being! Have this token of my affection!"

The bear snorted in horror, its eyes widening with fright. It continued to stumble through the undergrowth, the hypnotized hedgehog right after it. The forest animals began to follow, having a good laugh at the bear, while Shadow followed while having a good laugh at Sonic.

End flashback…

After Sonic had finished beating Shadow to within an inch of his life, everyone agreed that Grizzly Sweetheart was not the best choice for a name.

"We'll name him 'Bear Lover' instead!" beamed Knuckles. "Just kidding."

"But that doesn't solve the problem of my name," Shadow objected.

"Right… you can be Menacing Morty," Knuckles grinned. Shadow's eyes narrowed ominously, and just as he was about to rip Knuckles to shreds, Sonic gave him a small chocolate. The issue of his stupid name was totally forgotten as Shadow leaped upon the candy.

"So," Knuckles smiled. "Faker and the Intelligent People- a team consisting of the Blundering Wonder, whose secret identity is Sonic the mild-mannered hedgehog…"

Sonic muttered under his breath.

"Menacing Morty, whose secret identity is Shadow the mildly bad-tempered hedgehog…"

Shadow smoldered with rage, having eaten the chocolate by now.

"The Short Cohort, whose secret identity is Tails the mildly idiotic fox…"

Tails was about to protest, but Sonic pinched him.

"And Knuckles… whose secret identity is Knuckles the Echidna," finished Knuckles gleefully. "Together, we will stop any crime, prevent any disaster, keep any-"

They heard a loud scream from outside.

"Let's go check on it later," everyone said at once.

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Fan characters next chapter! But don't send anymore!

Oh yeah, some of you asked about the Friendship thing from Mortal Kombat… OK. Wikipedia says it started in Mortal Kombat II but was also in Mortal Kombat 3. It consisted of doing something friendly to an opponent (autograph, snowman construction, etc.) instead of a Fatality. It was partly meant to mock the parental outcry that resulted with all the intensely gory Fatalities from the previous games. However, to perform a Friendship you would have to meet requirements like never block or only use several moves. There ya go.


	38. The Crime Fighting Begins And Ends

Sonic Insanity

Here's the fan character chappie! I can't include them all right away, so bear with me. I won't list which ones are used- figure them out yourself!

Also, I have some news. I'm going to a wedding on Friday and I won't be back for my usual update time. However, as soon as I get back I'll update. So, don't get upset if I take a little longer to update. I should be able to update in 7 to 8 days instead of my usual 5.

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It was a sunny day in Sonic's sixth-grade classroom. Shadow was busy writing his memoirs in the corner, weeping very noisily every few seconds and narrating it out loud at the top of his voice. The teacher did not seem to notice. Sonic, who was trying to concentrate on taking notes (which Shadow wasn't doing) was slowly getting angry. Finally, he snapped.

"Teacher?" he asked.

"Sonic! What have I told you about talking in class?" the teacher growled.

"…that shifty-eyed dog was so precious to me!" sobbed Shadow very loudly. "Why, Basil? Why'd you have to leave me?" He began to scream with anguish, noisily ripping pieces of paper and gnashing his teeth. "WHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" he bellowed as loud as he could, directly in Sonic's ear.

"Teacher!" Sonic asked.

"Sonic, stop disrupting class!" said the teacher angrily. "It'll be a detention next time!" She winked at Shadow, who winked back and continued screaming.

Sonic fumed. So they were in this together! Of all the nerve… he glanced over to see what he could do. He could do the rest of his studying at home. Nearby, Tomo the Chameleon and Knuckles were passing notes back and forth. Sonic began to burn with curiosity. Quickly putting out the fires all over his body, (he was 'burning' with curiosity, get it? Har de har har har…) Sonic quickly intercepted one of the notes that Knuckles had passed to Tomo. He read it. It said:

Back in Kansas those chickens took all the snowbound times from days forgotten by the citrus illustrations

of Sonic's dairy farms.

Sonic was confused, to say the least. "Knuckles, this makes no sense! What does it mean?"

"Oh, pardon my metaphorical language," grinned Knuckles, elbowing Sonic in the ribs and not stopping. "You see, since Tomo and I are so united against you, we've developed a code to criticize you so we won't get in trouble!"

"Not that we would, anyway, since the teacher is paying us to do it," Tomo smirked, carving a pattern on her desk with her samurai sword. Nearby, Espio watched angrily.

Sonic, however, was even more angry. Knuckles was now elbowing him in the ribs with the force of a jackhammer. Eventually he got so angry that he picked up Knuckles and…

"Darn, it was just a dream," Sonic sighed, waking up. Since it had been late at night, they had decided to fight crime in the morning. He might as well set a good example by going down to the Batcave… er, the basement, and getting his costume on. Fortunately it wasn't anything too ridiculous. Sonic slid down the long fire pole that would take him down to the basement. It ended a good three feet over the floor, and Sonic fell in a costumed heap.

"Ready to go?" inquired Knuckles, who was standing by their crime-fighting car (of course) along with Tails and Shadow.

Very disgruntled, Sonic took the wheel and they drove off.

"Well, what do we do now?" asked Tails as they coasted by a bank robbery. "Should we just look for crimes?"

"Let's monitor the police scanner," Sonic said. "You just have to put your radio to the right frequency…" He reached for the radio, but Knuckles slapped his hand away and turned the radio to a rap station.

"KNUCKLES!" bellowed Sonic. "We're supposed to be looking for crime!"

"Screw that, Snoop Dogg's the man!" said Knuckles proudly, jamming to the beats.

Shadow and Tails managed to restrain Knuckles while Sonic adjusted the radio. Something fuzzy came through.

"…and this is shaping up to be one exciting round of Pick Daddy, folks. Rouge is in the lead with a straight flush, but now John Paul's coming up the circuit…"

"She's with another MAN?" Knuckles' face turned purple.

"No one ever said that," said Tails, wondering what Pick Daddy was and hoping to try it with Cream some time. "Turn it again, Sonic."

Sonic fiddled with the radio.

"…and in other news, there's been a robbery at the general store just down the street…"

"Guys! Here's a crime we can investigate!" Shadow cried.

"Just kidding!" the radioman said grandly. "But, the bank has been robbed, and the getaway car is cruising up Shadow's Mom Avenue with three cop cars in pursuit…"

"Let's get them!" Sonic bellowed, ignoring Shadow's splutters of rage. He gunned the engine and drove up to the car. Tails used some sort of binoculars that had no way of working in real life to identify the people in the car.

"Bob the Tortoise," Tails reported. "Not that bright, somewhat easily confused… hates me, just like everyone else… _sigh…_"

"Who else?" Knuckles asked.

"Um… Edda 'Ed' the Squirrel, makes good pizza, occasionally throws people as weapons…"

"I had a trademark on that!" shouted Sonic, reaching out the window, grabbing a pedestrian and throwing it at the car ahead of them.

"…and he admires me!" Tails announced.

"So why are these people working together?" Shadow wondered.

"Well, Bob's probably trying to lure Tails into a trap, and Ed wants to steal his flying machines," Sonic concluded. "But why rob the bank, then?"

"Um… maybe they needed a lot of money in order to buy Tails' mom-" began Shadow.

"MY MOM IS A SAINT!" roared Tails. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT-"

"-for her services as a cook," finished Shadow. "Then, they'd hold her for ransom from Tails!"

"Too much talk! I want to shoot something!' snarled Sonic. He pulled out a gun and tried to steer one-handed, firing endlessly out of the car. Although he never hit the robbers' car, he did seriously injure a good 300 people and pumped bullets into buildings everywhere.

"I'm bored, think I'll step out for some fresh air," Knuckles announced, getting out of the moving car. As the car zoomed past, the door came off in his hand. Knuckles was left in the dust, holding the door. He suddenly had an idea.

Knuckles ran as fast as he could after both cars and flung the car door at Sonic's car. It exploded in a huge fiery ball, sending a tiny grain of gravel into the exhaust pipe of Ed and Bob's getaway car. Their car choked and sputtered and pulled to a stop, where the police caught it.

"A well-won victory," Knuckles said hopefully as a burnt, furious-looking Sonic advanced on him.

"Victory! _Victory?" _howled Sonic. "What an idiot you are!"

"Fat, am I?" snarled Knuckles, looking furious.

"Um… I didn't say that," said Sonic, temporarily losing momentum. "But, you completely destroyed our car and only mildly damaged theirs, and the cops caught them anyway! Now, not only have we made no captures, but we have no car!"

"We could use my pimp car," suggested Knuckles. "By that I mean, my hookers and I sit in the car, and you all wear roller skates and hold on to the back bumper."

"NO!" hollered Sonic. He bent his legs to jump at Knuckles, and a blast of energy whizzed over his head. "What the…"

"Curses!" muttered Molly the Mouse, seated on top of a building. "Well, another try, then… there's no way he can escape my spells! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"Get her!" hollered Knuckles, all anger towards Sonic forgotten. He picked up Sonic and threw him on top of the building, where he easily tracked down Molly and brought her to the police.

"She tried to kill me, officer," he explained angrily, clutching Molly by the throat.

"What? No I didn't!" Molly said.

"Yes she did!" howled Sonic. "She cast a spell at me! It hit the ground over there!" He pointed to the large scorch mark on the ground.

"Oh, I see," said the police officer, winking at Molly. "Well, turn her over to us, and we'll decide the punishment."

Sonic, who was very tired of all this corruption, picked up Molly and threw her into the distance like a football. Immediately he was surrounded by police officers with guns.

"Knuckles, help me out here!" he demanded.

"Who is this guy?" asked Knuckles to Shadow.

"No clue," Shadow said. "Throw this criminal in jail, officers."

"I'm your friend! You share my house!" Sonic roared.

"Uh, I have no clue what you're talking about," said Knuckles, covering Tails' mouth with his hand.

Ten minutes later, Sonic was in jail.

How great, he mused bitterly. His friends had betrayed him! Now he had no hope of getting out, unless someone paid his bail. Knowing Amy, she probably would. Feeling a little better, Sonic sat down. Then he realized that the restraining order meant that Amy couldn't pay for him. Sonic put his head in his hands.

"What are you doing?" asked a dry voice.

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I put in as many fan characters as I could: Ed, submitted by AgodofIrony, Tomo, submitted by Chaotix Extremist, Bob, submitted by Cheesemonger, and Molly, submitted by molly-mouse616. That's only 4 out of many... but I'm working on it. Please review!


	39. The Plot Twist! yeah right

Sonic Insanity

I'll try to use some more fan characters, k? Review!

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Knuckles, Tails and Shadow were no longer fighting crime… they were busy watching NNC (Needless News Corporation).

"In further needless news," the newscaster, who was Clan rHrn the dingo-crocodile, said, "the right-wingers in Congress are continuing to defend the loss in Vietnam. We cut to top field reporter, Lightning Eclipse, interviewing chief right-winger Dunce Broadsided."

(AN: Sorry your part was so short, Clan rHrn, but you already had a part in an earlier chapter, so I thought it would be fair.)

The guy holding the camera ran out of the building and all the way to where the interview was taking place… with the camera on.

"Get on with it!" shouted Knuckles, throwing rotten vegetables at the TV as if it would do anything. "I don't want to watch this guy's life story!"

After fifteen minutes or so, the cameraman finally reached where Lightning Eclipse was interviewing the politician.

"So," said Lightning Eclipse, "critics have recently claimed that you should have won the Vietnam War. As a assistant junior flag waver, what could be done differently now?"

"It's not my fault!" whined Dunce Broadsided. "The dog ate my machine gun!"

"Please answer the question," said Lightning Eclipse through gritted teeth.

"We could have won but we didn't wanna!" he continued to whine.

"I'll give you three seconds to answer me," said Lightning Eclipse menacingly.

"It's the hippies' fault!" he screamed.

The scene switched to a Technical Difficulties screen, which eventually disappeared. It returned to Clan rHrn.

"Wow! They really mean business, folks. We'll return to Made-Up-Character Death Match… er, our interview after this 2-hour commercial break!"

"Shouldn't we actually be helping Sonic?" Tails objected as the commercials began.

"Nonsense, he'll be fine," Knuckles said. "I've been to jail before, it was nothing terrible."

"When was that?" asked Tails curiously.

"Oh… spring of 02 or so…"

"Knuckles, that was when you spent 45 minutes alone in your room with no TV," said Shadow in disgust. "Change the channel."

Knuckles switched channels. No matter what, all he found were commercials. Eventually, though, he saw a commercial that looked funny.

"It's a birth control ad," he chuckled.

Hyper the Robot Hedgehog appeared on the screen. "In this modern day and age, there are many ways to prevent overage, underage and middle-age pregnancy. New methods of contraception are being discovered all the time. But these ways are costly AND expensive, and with this simple message, we will now prevent 0 to 100 percent of pregnancy rates. Somewhere between those two percents."

The sappy piano music ended and there was a close up of Hyper's eyes. "If you get pregnant, we'll spread a rumor that you're just fat!"

Knuckles began to howl with laughter, falling off the couch and slamming on the floor. "Oh man… gets me every time… AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"So, is one night of passion and excitement worth the rumors that you're an obese slob? No," Hyper went on. "So, stay safe." The commercial ended, and the show began.

"What show is this?" Tails asked, while Knuckles continued to laugh.

"Um… I think it's Invention TV," Shadow responded. Tails was immediately interested.

"Today, we talk to a man with two inventions to help the impaired," said the host. "This man… is Garem the Tiger!" The tiger walked out, smiling and waving. "So, Garem, discuss your first invention."

Garem smiled. "Well, Anthony-"

"Please, call me sir," Anthony said.

"OK, sir," Garem said, flipping him the bird when the host wasn't looking. "My first invention is a pill that will cure people who are deaf and blind."

"So, they'll just suddenly be able to hear and see?" the host said.

"Yes," Garem replied.

"How much will this pill cost?" the host inquired.

"Around four dollars," the tiger replied.

"Fascinating. What if someone who is only blind or only deaf takes it?"

"It won't work," Garem replied.

"OK… wouldn't you want to help them, too?" the host asked snidely.

"That's where my second invention comes in," Garem announced. "I call it… Braille subtitles!"

"WHAT?" screamed Shadow, beating the couch in his fury.

"Um… please explain," said the host, trying to keep a straight face.

"Well," Garem said patronizingly, as if explaining a spelling mistake to an irritable four-year-old, "this TV's screen reads signals that the TV sends it. The screen's surface will change, forming Braille letters that blind people can feel!"

"Great," the host said, "but wouldn't blind people simply listen to what was being said? They wouldn't need subtitles."

Garem was at a loss for words. "Um… well, deaf people could use it, then!"

"But wouldn't deaf people just be able to read regular subtitles?" pressed the host.

"Blind _and _deaf people, then!"

"But there won't be any!" the host said. "You cured them all with your pill, remember?"

"Stop threatening me, Mommy!" screamed Garem, and he suddenly exploded. Knuckles, laughing, changed the channel.

"A suicide bomber was caught today in Detroit," said the host. "Fortunately he was not able to injure anyone with the bomb. He was walking through a deserted cornfield, and he may have been an Iraqi insurgent."

"Since when are there cornfields in Detroit?" asked Shadow angrily.

"Fortunately," the host said, "the bomb was not very dangerous, as it could only destroy everything six feet around it. The following video was captured by a US satellite."

The scene dissolved to a man walking through a cornfield, looking determined. There was an explosive belt around his waist. The satellite zoomed in, revealing a small stick in his path.

The man tripped over it and fell on his face. The bomb exploded.

Knuckles was now screaming with laughter. Tails, getting worried, turned off the TV and examined Knuckles. Shadow began to kick him in the ribs.

"Sorry," said Knuckles 45 minutes later, still chuckling occasionally. "I just had this mental image of a guy- not with a bomb or anything- just walking down the street, and he trips and then he just… just… explodes… oh no, not again…" Knuckles burst into laughter. Tails sighed.

Meanwhile, in prison, Sonic examined the figure in front of him.

"Who are you?" he asked.

The female hedgehog stepped out of the shadows. She paced around the cell for a moment, then spoke in a flat voice. "You know Amy Rose?"

"Not by choice," Sonic grumbled.

"I know what you mean," she said wisely. "I hate her… as if it wasn't hard enough to get Shadow…"

"WHAT?" exploded Sonic. "Amy couldn't care less about Shadow! She's always after me!"

"They're dating, aren't they?" she asked.

"Only because I carry a can of pepper spray!" Sonic snarled. "She'd much rather have me!"

"Regardless, she is going out with him," the girl mused.

"You didn't answer my question," Sonic growled.

"Oh," she said. "I'm Liza. Liza the Hedgehog. I think I can get us out of here."

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Only one character left… that's Shadow555555's character, Mark the Hedgehog. Please review!


	40. A Stunning Jailbreak

Sonic Insanity

Only 1 more fan character, everybody! Read and RSVP (review sil vous plait, or review if you please). I have the feeling I used that joke before. The quote about love and ice cream is from my friend Tracy.

40th chapter! All right!

Thanks for the quotes, D.O.

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"Hah! As if I need your help to get us out of here!" Sonic scoffed. "I can get us out of here like THAT!"

He charged directly at the bars of their cell, apparently attempting to destroy them by ramming with his head. Sonic fell in a heap, nursing his injury.

"If I get you out of here," Liza said, "you have to promise to keep Amy distracted while I try for Shadow."

Sonic gulped. That meant _voluntarily _attracting Amy's attention. He could hardly imagine anything more repulsive, but he needed to get out of this jail cell. "You know," he said, trying to sound casual, "maybe you should just forget your love for Shadow."

Her eyes narrowed. "Excuse me?"

"It's like my dear friend Albert always said," Sonic proclaimed. "_Sonic, _he would croak through the tracheoctomy pipe thingy, _if there's one thing I've learned from life, it's this. If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, mad cool. If they don't, well, there's always ice cream…" _He trailed off, seeing the murderous glint in her eyes.

Several seconds later, there was a Sonic-shaped indentation in the wall, and Sonic lay in a dusty heap under it while Liza tried to control her rage.

"That's the WORST saying EVER!" she bellowed. "Not only is it completely untrue and nonsensical, but it's preposterous!"

"Whether it applies or not is irrelevant," Sonic insisted. "You just have to trust in the heart of the cards!"

Liza rolled her eyes. She delivered a stunning roundhouse kick worthy of Chuck Norris to the door's hinges, knocking them off and allowing them an escape route.

Meanwhile, in the warden's office, the Warden (Mark the Hedgehog) sat in his office, trying to play darts with sharpened pencils. Unfortunately, it wasn't working.

"Good Lord, why won't the darts stick?" he screamed furiously as his "darts" clattered off the "dartboard."

"Maybe it's because your dartboard is just a big red circle painted onto a concrete wall," sniggered a random henchman. Mark threw the pencil at the henchman, lodging it in the henchman's forehead.

"Well, at least they're useful for something," the Warden finally admitted. He turned his attention to the video monitors. He could see two of his prisoners escaping.

"We can't have that!" he chuckled. Mark radioed to his guards. "Guards, get to the northwest corridor and stop them two prisoners from escaping!"

Back in the hall…

"That's what your mom said last night!" taunted Sonic.

"I didn't say anything, Sonic," Liza growled.

"No, I was talking to the author," Sonic replied. "He said 'Back in the hall,' and I was responding to that."

"Um… aaaaaaaannnnnyyyyyyway," Liza said nervously.

They rounded the corner, only to duck back again. There were tons of armed guards, all of which were now shooting at them. Bullets whizzed past them as they ducked low.

"Be quiet!" whispered Sonic. "There may be enemies about."

Liza seriously considered pushing him into the line of fire, but then she realized that Amy might go after Shadow, so she settled for yelling at him instead.

"You think?" she hollered.

"Stay back!" Sonic hollered. "This is no job for a woman. Such matters are better left to men… you know, people actually capable of something."

Liza's eye twitched. Then she remembered that she still loved Shadow despite his chauvinist tendencies, so she stopped. "So, Mr. Manly Man, you think you can take care of those guards?"

"No need," Sonic grinned as a bullet hit the wall next to his head.

"What do you mean _no need, _they'll kill us!" Liza snarled.

"Nonsense," scoffed Sonic. "You see, these guards are clearly of limited AI."

"But they don't have artificial intelligence, they have real intelligence!" argued Liza.

"Are you kidding? These guards are nothing but video-game style enemies," Sonic smiled condescendingly. "Knowing enemy AI, not only will they miss every time, but they'll also forget about us as long as they can't see us!"

Thirty minutes later…

"Just as I thought," Sonic grinned.

"Just as you thought? They haven't stopped shooting!" Liza growled.

"But their AI is bad- they haven't run out of bullets yet! Only stupid game designers would-" began Sonic.

"This isn't a game! We could die!" shouted Liza. "Go deal with it!"

"Go deal with it," growled Sonic. He stepped out from around the corner, and all the guards stopped shooting (of course).

Sonic reached to his hips, his hands curving around the shape of two heavy guns. Bringing his hands up, his index fingers jammed where the trigger would be… if he had been holding any guns.

Liza seethed.

"Man, what a rip-off!" Sonic protested. "No guns strapped to my legs at all times? What do they think this is, some kind of gun safety protest?"

"What did you expect, this is a maximum security prison!" shouted Liza.

"Still… I mean, it's like they're intentionally trying to disarm us or something!" Sonic shouted. Liza put her head in her hands. "It's finally here… after the years of hypocrisy and lies, America has finally truly become what it always partly was… this place is a PRISON!"

"YOU THINK?" bellowed Liza.

"Um… let's try something else," Sonic tried. He turned to the guards. "Although where we stand is a prison, the mother land has now become everything we once stood against! Secretly, THEY try to lock us in, building cages of propaganda and keeping us satisfied with entertainment. But it was all meant to distract us from the undeniable, horrifying TRUTH! The truth that wise men cried over so many times, yet we were powerless to halt our march toward that end!"

Liza began to protest, but he winked at her and continued.

"Our bigoted laws and subconscious prejudices overlapped each other, eventually trapping us under the weight of years of injustice. And now we can do nothing about it! We are now enslaved to a deceitful corporate-controlled power, a society that has locked us with chains of corruption and thrown away the key along with everything we once stood for! Now, who's with me?"

"US!" shouted the guards, captivated by his every word and looking rebellious.

"We will be a lone fist rising in a sea of conformity, a dissenting voice in a crowd united by their ignorance! We will expose the Man's sins and smash the TV! The education system will be revealed to be the miserable conniving pack of lies it always was, and the radio broadcasts will be the truth rather than a fiction concocted by the rich to exploit the weak!"

The guards, overcome by his words, stood with tears in their eyes.

"Now… as one, as brothers, we are the uprising!" Sonic bellowed. "Everyone… CHARGE!"

Sonic neatly stepped out of the way as the guards charged with pride in their hearts, running right into a wall and knocking themselves unconscious.

Liza was speechless.

"Piece of cake," Sonic grinned. "Now, let's get out of here!"

But, just as they were about to exit through the door, a large number of robotic guards appeared, brandishing guns. They looked as if they might not be convinced by a long anti-government speech.

"Um… time to bust out my secret agent skills," Sonic said calmly.

There was a big puff of smoke, which was not large enough to conceal Sonic hastily changing into a tight black secret agent outfit. When the dust cleared, Sonic was in a fighting stance, his lips set in a defiant smirk.

When the robots attacked him, Sonic did nothing but his usual Homing Attacks to defeat them. One of them fired an energy missile at him. Sonic tried to grab the missile, hoping to fling it back at the robot. It failed, and rings spilled everywhere as Sonic went flying backward in slo-mo. Quickly gathering up his rings, Sonic delivered a stunning kick to the robot's mid-section, throwing it into a conveniently placed gong. The gong sounded as the robot hit it.

Sonic did a martial-arts-style bow, clasping his hands and bending at the waist. He straightened up, no longer wearing his secret agent clothing.

"Let's get out of here," he said.

"Well, see ya later," she said, and she disappeared around the corner as they left the jail.

Sonic stared. His head whipped toward the corner. He had let it go… what he'd always dreamed of… just when he thought he'd finally had it…

"Love?" asked an old woman sympathetically.

"No, the cheeseburger that guy was carrying," Sonic said, his eyes fixed on a large Burger King sign.

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One of our longer chapters! Review!


	41. Insert Generic Chapter Title Here

Sonic Insanity

Hi everyone! Addressing the length of the fic- the shortest I will make a chapter is 3 pages (in Word), and the longest is probably around 5 or 6 at a stretch. Longer chapters means less frequent updates, but I'm comfortable with chapter length and update speed right now. Review please!

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As usual, everyone was just hanging out at Sonic's house. Knuckles and Shadow were watching TV, Sonic was blogging, and Tails was bothering him about a new invention.

"Well, the other day there was this invention on TV called Braille subtitles," Tails said. "So I decided to come up with something that could help blind people too! This will be a way for blind people to drive safely!"

Until the last sentence, Sonic hadn't been paying the slightest bit of attention. Now he was jolted into action. This could be interesting, and he could claim credit for it in case it was worth any money. "Oh? What is it?"

"Braille road signs," Tails said.

"_What?" _howled Sonic.

"Blind people can stick their hands out their car windows and feel the signs!" Tails said brightly.

Sonic sputtered with rage.

"I'll go now," said Tails nervously, closing the door behind him as Sonic burst forth with fury. He took out some binoculars and began scanning the front yard. Those lawn gnomes might start a mutiny…

Meanwhile, Knuckles and Shadow were trying to decide what channel to watch.

"Queer Eye For The Straight Guy?" asked Knuckles. "I'm not watching that!"

"Remember when we watched it before?" asked Shadow. "It was good!"

"As I recall, you snarled at us to turn it off," Knuckles pointed out.

"Be quiet! I've become less homophobic since then," Shadow declared. "Let's watch it!"

"Well, I heard somewhere that this season isn't in Manhattan," Knuckles said.

"Really?" wondered Shadow. "Where is it?"

"And now, after the commercial break, we return to Queer Eye: Texas!"

"Texas? How are they going to pull that off? The state has a huge percentage of homophobes!" Shadow demanded.

"We'll just have to see," Knuckles grinned.

"Wow, that was pretty sick," Shadow pointed out. "You're actively anticipating watching gay people be persecuted for their sexual preference."

"What? No! Of course not! I just always wanted to watch something bad happen to Carson," Knuckles smiled.

"Because he's gay, probably! You homophobe!" Shadow spat.

"Hah! I say you're defending your own homosexuality!" Knuckles boasted.

"NEVER!" Shadow roared.

"Watch the show, you dimwits!" Will Ferrell called from inside the TV.

"Will Ferrell? What are you doing on Queer Eye?" Shadow inquired.

"Well, after I made a good 50 movies in 3 years and only 10 of them did well, I realized that my film career is dead," Ferrell said. "So, I might as well just use my gay image to maximum comedic effect!"

"But you don't have a gay image!" Shadow pointed out.

"He looks gay," Knuckles said.

"He does not!"

"I do not!" Will sneered.

"Will, stop talking to the camera and come on!" some guy on the screen called.

"See you later!" Will called, running off with the rest of the Fab Five (or the Fab Six now).

"This is disgusting," Shadow said with disgust. "I'm out of here. I don't want to watch gay people get picked on just because they're gay."

"Turns out this season does take place in Manhattan after all!" the TV guy said. Shadow returned to his seat. "Now for Queer Eye!"

A half hour later, Shadow was chuckling slightly, and Knuckles was in a horrible mood.

"Oh, lighten up, you know that was funny," Shadow cried.

"_Me _lighten up? Who said 'death to all who oppose me' every ten minutes in his last video game?" Knuckles said, outraged.

"I took therapy sessions!" Shadow wailed.

Flashback…

"I don't know where my life is going, doc," Shadow mused sadly, lying on a therapist's couch. "I can't stop killing people and aliens and robots, evil galactic warlords teleport me around whenever they feel like it, and worst of all, Eggman may be connected to my past! What should I do?"

"Well, about this murder rampage business," the therapist said, taking notes. "You may want to find alternatives to conflict. You have a natural desire to seek a quick, violent solution. But find your peace inside! Tell these people how you feel about their attempts to shoot you!"

"Well, what about the other stuff?" Shadow asked.

"On the other hand," the therapist continued, "to keep this galactic warlord from teleporting you around, you have to stand up for yourself! Know in your heart that you're just as good a person as he is! If not better!"

"I sure_ hope _I'm better than _that,_" shuddered Shadow. "How about Eggman?"

"Well, look at your birth records," the therapist suggested. "Make sure that Eggman might not be your father, and th-"

"CHAOS DELETED!" snarled Shadow. There was a sound like the Deleted-email noise on Strong Bad E-mail, and the therapist disappeared.

End flashback…

"They don't go that well, though," Shadow admitted grudgingly. "But still, you should lighten up about Queer Eye! It's a good show!"

"The whole time, one thing really bugged me," Knuckles growled.

"What's that? Close similarities to your own life?"

"NO!" Knuckles bellowed, beginning to throttle Shadow with no sign of stopping.

"Easy does it, homie," warned Shadow in a goofy voice. (Imagine the voice of the funniest kid you know, and imagine him/her saying that. Yes, I know that's a cheap way for a laugh.)

"Easy does- WHAT? That's ridiculous!" snarled Knuckles.

"Get off!" grumbled Shadow, flinging the echidna away from him. "So, what bugged you about the show?"

"What bugged me is how none of the straight guys stand up for themselves!" Knuckles shouted. "The gay guys walk in _to make the straight guys gay, _and what do the straight guys do? They just say, 'Oh, whatever you say, Mr. Gay Guy!' It's ridiculous! Where's the heterosexual pride?" Knuckles extended his fist to the sky and screamed at the top of his lungs, causing Shadow to wince.

"Now hear this, Queer Eye guys!" he roared. "I (censored, and no, he did not actually say the word censored) challenge you to make over our house! One thing's for sure… we won't go without a fight! Give me masculinity or _give me death! _I'll never back down to a bunch of flamboyantly homosexual guys who want to change my way of life just for entertainment! However much Tails may want our house to be utterly gay… _I'll never give in! _Do you hear me? NEVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!" he shrieked with the volume of a volcanic mountain spontaneously collapsing during a Metallica concert. The pure sound echoed for miles around, literally audible from every point on the globe. His challenge rang in the air for several minutes until Knuckles, blue in the face, gasped for air.

"Oh, hi, Knuckles," Tails said. "I thought I heard you say something."

"Yeah, he called you gay at one point," Shadow said, earning a kick from Knuckles.

"Speaking of gay people…" Tails opened the window. The entire cast of Queer Eye was camped outside, holding guns and weapons of all kinds.

"Looks like they've accepted the challenge," Tails said.

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Uh-oh… will the Sonic crew be able to defend themselves from the Queer Eye gang? Stay tuned to find out (and review while you're hanging out there).


	42. Sonic vs Queer Eye, pt 1

Sonic Insanity

Read and review, everybody. I am submitting one day early because tomorrow, I'm leaving on a trip to Quebec for my French class at school.

NOTE: I just realized that I am too far ahead in writing Sonic Insanity. I have the entirety of Chapter _46 _written (this is Chapter 42). I'll stop writing new ones until I'm a little less far ahead.

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"You better clean up your act, mister!" snapped one of the Queer Eye guys, examining the windowsill and calling in through the open window. "This definitely needs some fuchsia paint!"

"I know," said another one, regarding the arrangement of the chairs on the front porch. "These chairs have seriously violated the feng shui of this porch!" He continued to hum "Stupid Girls" by Pink.

"That does it, boys!" said a third one, probably Carson as he was dressed the most flamboyantly. "We can't take this! Maybe we can't modify the indoors… but we certainly can change the outside! CHARGE!"

Armed with curtains, paint, furniture and carpeting, the Queer Eye guys charged upon the house.

Inside the house, Sonic was huddled in a corner, miserably scrawling in a journal.

Day 5: They surround us. We have no escape. Supplies low, morale same, Tails is weak. We're all giving part of our food to him, but we can't last much longer. He's shivering and he's cold… we cannot remain here. Sooner or later we will have to give in to their-

"Hey, Sonic!" Tails said cheerfully, munching on a huge bag of potato chips and bouncing energetically on the couch.

Knuckles was barricading the door with heavy objects, crouched against it with a rifle in hand. "They'll never take us alive, mark my words! Whatever happens, we will never submit! Just send my best to Mother if I die valiantly…"

"Knuckles, if you die, it will be on your knees, begging for your life with tears streaming down your face," said Shadow menacingly, holding a massive samurai sword. "Or maybe in a freak pogo stick accident."

Knuckles looked furiously at his accuser. "Yeah, well, if you die, it'll probably be by tripping into a vat of boiling custard or something, faker."

"Faker? This is between you and me, knucklehead, Sonic doesn't enter this conversation," hissed Shadow.

"Will you cut it out?" Tails growled. "We have more important things to worry about."

"Yeah, like the horde of gay guys trying to make over our house… because KNUCKLES here practically _invited _them!" Shadow screeched, stabbing the wall with his samurai sword.

"It's nothing we can't handle," scoffed Knuckles.

"There must be twenty or thirty guys out there!" Shadow insisted, trying to pull out the sword.

"So what? I can easily take on six guys by myself!" Knuckles declared, not noticing the small difference in size between six and twenty. Shadow put his head in his hands.

"Guys, don't we also have to worry about the lack of food?" Tails asked, eating several pies. "We'll run out eventually, cause we can't get to the store… right?"

"Nah… I know how to cook," said Knuckles calmly.

Tails struggled to keep his voice level. "But," he said, a note of rage creeping into his voice, "what about when we run out of ingredients to cook with?"

"Don't worry, I'll just cook something up when that happens," Knuckles grinned.

"THAT'S RIDICULOUS!" howled Sonic.

"Yeah!" Tails added.

"Knuckles, since when do you know how to cook?" accused Sonic.

Tails exploded. "The issue is getting food! It doesn't matter if he can cook or not- he won't have any ingredients to cook if we run out of food! We're gonna have to either find a way to get food or get these guys out of here!"

Knuckles was listening to rap music.

"Nobody listens to me!" sighed Tails.

Suddenly, the sound of filtering gas entered the room. A sinister green gas floated in through the vents.

"It's methane! It's Agent Orange! It's oxygen! It's the gravy train! It's poison gas!" gibbered Knuckles. "Put on these gas masks, and quickly! Try to conserve the air supply!" He began handing out equipment.

Sonic stared with disgust at the so-called "gas mask." "Knuckles, these are shot glasses hooked up to helium tanks."

It was too late. Shadow and Tails had already taken deep breaths of helium.

"Try to take normal breaths, I read that somewhere," said Shadow in a really high voice.

"OH NO!" howled Knuckles.

"What?" asked Tails… in his regular voice, even though he'd taken a huge gulp of helium.

"They've converted him without even entering the house!" Knuckles cried. "They've turned him to their cause! They must have poisoned the oxygen! Shadow gone… what next? Shadow the Hedgehog was a brave, mangy piece of black fur, willing to lay down his life and his-"

"They have not turned him gay!" Sonic snarled angrily. "Just because his voice became high doesn't mean he's gay! I've never heard anything so stupidly homophobic!"

"Well, if they didn't do it, who did?" Knuckles asked smugly.

"You did, with your 'oxygen tanks,' you fool!" Sonic growled. "It was helium!"

"But I just wanted to protect us from the poison gas!" whined Knuckles. "Now we'll all die! So much for that pogo stick accident-"

"This isn't poison gas," said Tails, holding out a gloved hand. Some of the "gas" landed on his hand, dyeing it light green.

"It's spray paint!" gasped Sonic. "They're trying to paint our walls by spraying paint through the air system!"

"I'll never allow it!" Knuckles shrieked, his eyes bulging. He pulled out a fire hose and began to try to wash the paint of the walls. It didn't work. All that he succeeded in was spraying Shadow, looping the hose around a trophy case full of Sonic's video games, and sending the trophy case flying into Tails. Soon everybody was mad at him, but they were more concerned about getting rid of the paint.

"Take cover!" screeched Knuckles, as if you could take cover from gas.

"How?" pointed out Tails. "It's gas."

"Not the gas, you fool! That!" With a shattering of glass, a large, pink-and-orange couch came soaring into the room. Following it came a load of lavender-and-magenta sweaters, a stack of Cosmopolitan and Vanity Fair magazines, and a set of Brokeback Mountain DVDs.

"They're trying to fill our house with stuff associated with being gay!" Sonic cried, as if anyone had not realized this.

"We'll just mail it to Big, he might appreciate it," snickered Knuckles.

"Hey!" protested Big. "I don't want that stuff!"

There was a short pause.

"Magenta is so not my color!" Big announced.

The pause continued.

"What? I said the punch line!" Big whined.

"No, we're just waiting for you to realize you're not supposed to be here and say something like, 'er, I'll just go now,'" Knuckles told him.

"Er… I'll just go now," Big said, edging out of the house.

The hail of objects stopped. Curious, Shadow stuck his head out of the house, through a broken window.

"How about this?" he shouted. "The four of us will fight the five of you in single combat! If we win, you have to go away and return our house to the way it was before! If we lose, we have to move into a different house! Got it?"

The Queer Eye guys discussed it, and nodded.

"All right… we'll meet you in the stadium at noon tomorrow!" Shadow yelled, walking back inside.

"What stadium?" Knuckles asked.

"Um… well, we could use the garage…"

"Great plan…"

"Shut up."

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The battle for the house next chapter!


	43. An Odd Choice For An Announcer

Sonic Insanity

I'm back, everyone. In response to the questions of how I know so much about Queer Eye: One of my female friends was telling me about it, so I decided to watch an episode. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, and the characters were funny (except when they were _painfully _gay). So, I decided to incorporate them in the story. They didn't really get any good lines, which is a shame.

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"Hah! This should be an easy fight!" crowed Sonic, flexing his muscles. "Those Queer Eye guys are in for the loss of their life… and we're in for the victory of ours!"

"Fighting five effeminate gay guys… how could we ever prevail over such odds?" inquired Shadow sardonically.

"…Shut up."

"This might not be that easy, guys," Tails said.

"Why not? We'll take them out, easy as cake," grinned Sonic.

"Don't you mean pie?"

"Yeah, easy as pie. Like I was saying," Sonic continued, "it'll be a piece of pie."

"Don't you mean a piece of cake?" Shadow asked him.

"_You know what I mean!"_

"Well," Tails told them, "they are armed with guns… and we aren't."

"Pah! I can dodge a _thousand _bullets whenever I choose!" bragged Shadow, thrusting out his unremarkable chest.

Sonic pulled out a gun and shot him in the chest.

"AGH! You FOOL! What was that for?" cried Shadow, rolling around in pain.

"See, you couldn't dodge even one puny bullet," Sonic chuckled. "How could you even hope to avoid one thousand?"

"Why else would they shoot one thousand bullets at me unless they didn't hit me the first 999 times?" Shadow groaned, clutching his wound.

Sonic scowled.

"SONIC!" howled Knuckles angrily. "It was already five against four! Now, with Shadow as severely injured as he is, it'll be five against three! And they have guns! We're doomed!"

"There is an easy solution to this," Sonic told them. "When all seems hopeless, there is one way out that can guide us down any path…"

"Oh yeah? What?"

"You just have to believe in the little children's hearts," Sonic told them happily.

Shadow's eyes gleamed with fury.

Seconds later…

"Well, that was the beating of a millennium," groused Sonic, dusting himself off and getting up from fragments of walls and furniture. "At least it didn't keep me from fighting."

That was when his back gave out.

"OWCH!" he hollered as his back let out seven loud cracks and he collapsed to the floor. "Agh! It's hopeless! We'll never manage to fight them!"

"Sonic," said Shadow in a friendly manner, draping an arm around the blue one's shoulders, "you gotta hold your head up high when life rains abuse on you! No matter what, you just gotta keep your chin up and don't dwell on the past!"

"All right, thanks!" grinned Sonic, standing tall and proud as-

THWACK!

"AGH! What was that for?" shrieked Sonic.

Shadow, who had just smacked Sonic upside the head, grinned. "Don't dwell on the past, Sonic! Walk with your head held high! Don't let the abuse of life get to you!"

So Sonic sat there, boiling mad, while Shadow smacked him around. Finally, when he put his hands in front of his face, Shadow kicked him in the groin.

"ARGH!" said Sonic, falling on his back. He paused. "Hey- my back got right again! Ah ha! We're back in business!"

SMACK!

"That's the spirit!" grinned Shadow as Sonic clutched his face in agony. "Now, let's show those guys a thing or two… about the power of being straight!"

"They still have guns," Knuckles pointed out.

"We'll dodge 'em," Shadow said dismissively. Knuckles hit him in the face.

"The fight's starting now," a manager guy told them.

"All right, just have the announcer tell us when to come in," said Sonic.

"We're doomed," moaned Tails. "Goodbye house…"

"Oh shut up, we'll be fine," Shadow growled.

They could vaguely hear a somehow familiar voice doing the announcing.

"In the pink corner we have the Fab Five… the Queer Eye crew!" the announcer hollered, to wild applause from gay guys and women. "These men are outnumbered significantly today, so our best fighter will be joining their ranks this evening."

"THEY outnumber US?" roared Sonic. "Of all the scams! This announcer is clearly biased!"

"He must work for the show or something," Knuckles growled.

"And in the blue corner, we have the Meddlesome Four… the Sonic losers!" said the announcer. "These four, deservedly the underdogs, shall have the misfortune of losing this evening." A laugh track played for some reason, as if this statement was at all humorous.

Sonic angrily charged through the door into a vast arena. They stood on a wrestling ring. The Queer Eye guys stood in the opposite corner, guns in hand. The "best fighter" was not in sight yet.

Sonic's eyes scanned the crowd. There was Amy, blowing kisses and cheering in a nauseating voice. There were all his fans, cheering him on, and a bunch of Queer Eye fans. But it was the figure sitting in the announcer's stand that really made Sonic angry.

Eggman.

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THE REVOLUTION IS HERE 

Go to my profile page if you want to know more. The Sonic the Hedgehog section will never be the same. But it's for the better. I want to see some reviews about this.


	44. Sonic vs Queer Eye, pt 2

Sonic Insanity

Sup, dudes and girls? Check out the S.W.R. on my profile page, and please review. Almost to 400!

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"EGGMAN!" howled Knuckles with rage. "You're not allowed to be the announcer! You're biased!"

"And it seems as if one of the Sonic crew is conversing to thin air!" Eggman cackled, as a laugh track played for some reason. "Knuckles, is it? The red, insignificant one. Yes… this dreadlocked wonder has long been suspected of stupidity and brawn over brains… but never of madness! It'll be one heck of a fight, folks!" The laugh track played again, for absolutely no reason.

Tails seethed. "We'll just have to deal with it, guys. We can beat them! He's just announcing the match, anyway."

"I will also be refereeing this evening!" said Eggman, although it was clearly midmorning outside.

Shadow snarled angrily, waving a fist. "We'll just have to beat them, straight-up, in a way not even Eggman can deny!"

"We just have to worry about their best fighter," fretted Tails.

"Now," said Eggman, "I want a good clean match… all of you! Captains, shake hands!"

Since Carson was obviously the gayest, he was selected to be Captain. Sonic stepped forward, ready to shake hands, but Shadow and Knuckles tried to take the credit too. A large fight ensued, and Tails stepped forward to shake hands with Carson, wiping his hand off afterward.

"It looks like the midget fur ball will be leading these soon-to-be-homeless fools!" Eggman grinned. "Ready… fight!"

Both sides retreated into the corner to decide their strategy.

"What should we do?" whispered Tails.

"I don't know," Shadow replied. "Maybe we-"

"PENALTY!" screamed Eggman. "Conspiring to attack the other team!"

"It's a _fight!" _screeched Sonic, throttling the air.

"High-sticking! To the penalty chair!" Eggman screamed back. He indicated a chair laced with barbed wire. The Queer Eye penalty chair was a deluxe armchair with gay male attendants sitting next to it.

Sonic took a seat. Of all the nerve! The fat one would pay for this treachery…

"How long is a penalty?" Knuckles called.

"And it looks as if everyone's least favorite redhead is speaking to himself again!" Eggman laughed, the laugh track playing once again. "Just a reminder to you folks out there- penalties last 3 minutes."

"We'll just have to fight them," Tails vowed, ignoring Knuckles' howls of rage. "Ready… go!"

As the Queer Eye gang decided to open fire with their guns, the three remaining Sonic team members took different paths. Knuckles dived low, under the bullets. Tails flew high over them. Shadow leapfrogged over Knuckles' back, clung to Tails' feet, and swung himself at the gay guys. He missed, as Tails had tried to fling him off-course and succeeded.

"That's for trying to take the glory!" the fox called. Tails and Knuckles landed among the gay guys and started beating them up.

"PENALTY SHOT!" Eggman hollered. "Generic drug scandal! Yes, folks, Tails the Fox has been convicted of drug abuse! The consequences are a penalty shot… to the groin!"

"WHAT?" howled Tails. "I never used drugs! And even if I had, it wouldn't have an impact on the game!"

"Stick to the status quo!" was Eggman's response. "Give him a good shot, Captain Carson!"

"Right-o!" said Carson in a highly effeminate manner, aiming at Tails' crotch.

Tails winced. A bullet, straight to the groin… his worst nightmare…

"Icky, I abhor gun use," said Carson, throwing the gun away, followed by the other Queer Eye guys. Tails relaxed, just in time to be KICKED between the legs instead of shot.

"The pain!" he managed, rolling around on the floor. Shadow was laughing.

"So, it appears Tails is exaggerating his pain to make us believe that he's actually a man!" chuckled Eggman. "Which clearly makes him… a vegetarian!"

"Actually, I've never grown my own herb garden," replied Tails.

"Um… anyway," said Eggman in a snide voice. "Resume fighting, teams!"

Sonic was allowed back in fairly soon, and the battle resumed. Tails flew in between Thom and Jai, smacked them in the face with his tails, and then knocked their heads together. Sonic took out a baseball bat, tossed a baseball into the air, and smacked it as hard as he could. It went right through Kyan's chest and into the audience, where small children tried to catch it like it was a fly ball in a ball game. Finally, Knuckles gave Ted a huge uppercut to the jaw, followed by a bicycle kick and a throw move that sent Ted into the audience. Just like with the baseball, a bunch of screaming girls fought to catch the flying gay guy.

"_That _was for your crappy cooking advice!" he snarled, dusting off his hands. Somehow, a large amount of dust came from them, creating a smoke cloud.

"Ack! It must be all the dust on this floor!" snarled Sonic. "It hasn't been cleaned for weeks!"

"And Sonic begins to make up lies to cover up the fact that he passed gas!" cackled Eggman. "Yes, his stink-making shall be exposed. But this smoke cloud has conveniently concealed the entrance of the additional fighter!"

The smoke cleared to reveal… the Geico gecko.

"HAH! Best fighter my furry red behind!" said Tails.

"That's me," Knuckles pointed out.

"We don't have time to argue about evolution!" Shadow growled. "That thing is going down!" He prepared a massive spinning kick at it. The gecko just sat there.

Shadow leaped high. The gecko smiled.

Shadow began to get worried. Maybe this gecko had a strategy. The gecko opened its mouth wide. Shadow yelped, trying to dodge.

The gecko's mouth swelled to a massive size, and it swallowed Shadow. Its head began to bulge and shift as Shadow punched it from the inside. Sonic got a margarita from a nearby bar, sat in a lawn chair, and decided to watch the show.

"We have to help him!" roared Knuckles.

"What? Oh yeah… be there in a second, I'm just watching something funny," Sonic chuckled.

"It appears that Sonic has turned traitor and is ignoring the pleas of… well… er…" Eggman looked around. Everyone in the crowd was too busy laughing at Shadow's fate to care about the commentary. "Oh, forget it," he groaned.

Knuckles dove right at the gecko. It opened its mouth, and Shadow hopped out. However, Knuckles flew right in. Shadow began to chase Sonic around the ring, mad with fury. Sonic was picking up Tails and hurling him at Shadow as a distraction. Since they were running so fast in circles, he could pick up Tails almost as soon as he dropped him. So, nobody was around to help Knuckles.

Tails finally learned better and flew away. Sonic picked up the margarita and the lawn chair and threw them at Shadow. Shadow caught the margarita, took a drink, and threw the glass into the audience, where it shattered on somebody. The lawn chair missed Shadow completely and flew right at the gecko. The gecko opened its mouth, and Knuckles jumped out. Sadly, the lawn chair hit him and he was knocked back into the gecko's mouth, making him even madder than before.

The crowd was cracking up- they had never seen anything so funny.

"Wow- it's like a Charlie Chaplin act!" giggled one audience member.

"Uh, I was born in the late 80s or early 90s, who's Charlie Chaplin?" asked everyone reading this story.

Tails picked up the lawn chair and threw it at Shadow. The black hedgehog tripped and fell over, and Sonic tripped over Shadow and flew at the gecko, which opened its mouth. Knuckles hopped out, and Sonic was promptly swallowed. Knuckles and Shadow began to laugh hysterically at Sonic trying to escape the gecko. Tails sighed.

"Here- catch!" said some Sonic fan girl in the audience, tossing a large, suspicious box labeled BOX CONTAINING A SECRET WEAPON. It hit the gecko on the head, and it spit out Sonic. The box bounced off the gecko's head and fell on top of Knuckles, breaking. Knuckles blamed Shadow for some reason and began to chase him around. Sonic tossed a lasso at the gecko, but it snagged on Tails instead and flung the fox into the gecko's mouth. Sonic pulled out a gun (the box was full of assorted weapons), but it hit Knuckles by mistake. Shadow tripped over Knuckles, flew into Tails, and sent both of them hurtling through a large window.

Sonic was trying to fire at the gecko while staying out of its range and avoiding Knuckles. Eggman, getting sick of this, pulled out a sniper rifle and fired. A fangirl jumped in front of its path, falling dead in the ring. Sonic tripped over her and let go of the gun. It landed in the gecko's mouth and went off. The lizard collapsed, finally defeated.

Sonic and Knuckles immediately began to cheer and shake hands like the best of friends. Eggman slumped in his seat, disgusted.

"Well, the Sonic Team seems to have barely survived this match due to unfair cheating and disloyalty," he announced. "It looks like they'll keep their miserable excuse for a house completely Queer Eye-free." And with that, he took off in his little floating pod.

"Back to my house, everyone!" shouted Sonic. "Party, everybody there!"

All the audience members thought they had been invited, so they followed the four heroes in a long line down the street. As they went, Knuckles and Shadow gave invitations and promotional T-shirts to everyone they saw. By the time they reached his house, there were 200 people there. The party commenced, and Sonic relaxed, his home restored to all its heterosexual glory.

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I may not write the party scene… it doesn't have much potential for humor. But stay tuned.


	45. Smells Like Kingdom Hearts 2

Sonic Insanity

To nobody's surprise, this story got to 400 reviews within hours of the last chapter being posted. Thanks to everybody who contributed, and for those of you who have been reading for a while (uhyeahitsteamdark comes to mind, who I respect despite his unreasonable attitude toward the S.W.R). Be warned- this chapter contains Kingdom Hearts 2 bashing. Anyway, let's get this bad boy to 500 reviews!

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"I HATE Kingdom Hearts 2!" howled Sonic, hurling the PS2 controller through a wall. Rubble showered everywhere as the controller created a large hole.

"Why do you hate it? I thought it was OK," shrugged Knuckles. The "Queer Eye" incident had occurred two days ago.

"First of all, this game is 85 percent CUTSCENES! I've been sitting here for 12 hours, and I've played about 1 and a half hours of game! Plus, this Roxas fool is so annoying I could just snap his neck in half!"

"Well, he WAS voiced by Jesse McCartney," conceded Knuckles (this is actually true). "But what's so bad?"

"Well, the plot makes absolutely no sense! Reality being converted into data, Heartless and Nobody relationships, Organization XIII, stuff being stolen around Twilight Town… it's too complex and overly irritating! Look, I'll start you a new file." Sonic did. After the 5-hour opening movie, the game began.

"See? An epic struggle, spanning worlds, dimensions! The clash of titans… magic and technology fused into a spellbinding saga of redemption, betrayal and sweeping drama! And how does the game start? Four loser kids eating ice cream and planning how to get to the beach!" screeched Sonic at the top of his lungs. "I can't take this anymore! Plus, Seifer is undoubtedly the worst dressed character of all time! A ski cap, cargo pants, moon boots, a trench coat, a stupid vest… it's preposterous! They're throwing in Final Fantasy characters everywhere!"

"You're overanalyzing," said Knuckles dismissively.

"I'll explain what happens," Sonic began irritably. "Basically, these kids think Seifer is stealing stuff, but he somehow stole their word for whatever it is he stole. Then Roxas has to fight Seifer and he chooses one of three plastic blue weapons. Then it turns out this weird Nobody thing stole the stuff. Roxas fights the Nobody but his weapon turns into a Keyblade partway through the battle for no good reason. And all through this, DiZ and Organization XIII are turning worlds into data, and they steal Roxas' beach money-"

"Oh! I know what happens next!" Knuckles commented. "The Dancing Brothers show up to put on a show! Glenn… Marvin… and the Killer Dynamo! Gonna have a good time tonight, gonna have a good-"

"Forget it! I'm not playing this piece of overrated trash," Sonic grumbled. "The first game was nothing great either, but at least it didn't have a pixilated Jesse McCartney skateboarding and finding a summer job… I'm gonna play Prince of Persia."

"Whatever," shrugged Knuckles, returning to his work.

Meanwhile, Shadow was watching hockey on the other TV.

"And the guy passes the puck or something, I don't really care…" muttered the announcer. The camera was pointing nowhere near where the puck was. "But check out Cingular's new prices! And Geico's not doing too bad either!" The camera began to analyze the billboards on the rink walls. "Brought to you by In-Game Advertising!"

Disgusted, Shadow began to hurl tomatoes and rotten fruit at the TV, as if it would change anything. Tails just happened be strolling through, and he looked at the screen.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"This hockey game is being overrun by ADVERTISEMENTS!" howled Shadow. "That announcer's almost as irritating as that one kid in college …"

Flashback…

Shadow was vaporizing random students by sheer willpower, which the teacher was ignoring. He found this very entertaining, especially as many of the children's oral reports were getting very boring.

"Thank you, Mighty," said the teacher as the armadillo was vaporized. (AN: So _that's _why he's not with the Chaotix!) "All right… Murphy?"

A short, pudgy child with thick arms and legs stood up.

'Thank you, Mrs. Stubblejaw," he simpered. "Now, before I start my speech, I would like to point out that I had a good weekend." He left a large dramatic pause, in which there was gasping and cries of consternation. "Yes, and I found a maple leaf on my way… TO SCHOOL!" He broke down in a defeated pile, allowing a solitary tear to trickle down his face. The girls in the class were swooning and fainting. The men stood resolutely, their eyes watering.

"On Saturday… there was nothing on Channel 27, so…" An ominous chill settled over the classroom as everyone leaned forward, anxious to find out what he would say.

"I decided to ride my bicycle instead!" he roared, standing on a desk with a hand raised in the air.

"We will prevail! He's given us hope! His words motivate us so!" shouted various people in the classroom. The teacher was standing teary-eyed, clapping energetically.

Murphy continued to discuss his boring weekend, and Shadow was outraged. What was so special about what he said? There was nothing awe-inspiring about any of it! How could these idiots consider him so great? Shadow endured a little more of this, until everyone began holding up lighters. Furious, Shadow sent out a beam of light to vaporize Murphy.

"Assassination!" screamed Murphy, his eyes bulging.

"I'll save you!" cried one boy, flinging himself uselessly as far as he could _away _from the beam of light, instead of _toward _it. Murphy dodged the beam. It hit the wall and ruptured a gas pipe. Gas showered over everyone, and since they were all holding up lighters, everyone burst into flames. Shadow sat, watching with mild amusement, until he got bored and left.

End flashback…

"But you never went to college!" protested Tails.

"Of course I did!" Shadow said, affronted.

"No you-"

"OF COURSE I DID!" he shrieked insanely. Tails cowered in the corner.

Back to Sonic…

"Ugh! This game IS horrible!" cried Knuckles, trying to play Kingdom Hearts 2. "I hate it more than life itself!"

"Aren't you supposed to say _love it _more than life itself?" Sonic inquired.

"Oh, like I have a good reason to love life," Knuckles smirked. "What a laughable idea, life being enjoyable…"

"Well, I don't _hate _it," Sonic said.

"Uh, are you wearing a T-shirt?" said Knuckles with surprise, looking up.

"Yeah, I just decided I liked this one," Sonic smiled. On the front of the T-shirt it said:

Q------- AUTHORITY

"Why's the word 'question' censored?" Knuckles wondered.

Sonic turned around. On the back it said:

It says Question, but my mom wouldn't let me get the explicit version.

Knuckles began to laugh. Sonic scowled.

Shadow walked in. "Hey, guys, I found a funny viral video…"

"Is it the one of me and your mom? In that case, Tails can't watch," Sonic said snidely.

Shadow fired a harpoon gun at the blue hedgehog. Using preposterous, Advent Children-esque physics, Sonic leaped 20,000 feet in the air to avoid it. When he came back to earth, everyone was watching the viral video.

"How to Survive an Atomic Bomb Blast!" said the narrator cheerfully.

"This is an old video from the 50s," Shadow laughed. "It's pretty funny, what they suggest."

"You can tell if you're about to be hit by an atomic bomb if you see a large explosion and a shockwave heading toward you faster than you can move," the narrator said, as if such a statement was NOT completely ridiculous. "If you see a large explosion, duck and cover! If you shield yourself behind a newspaper or a hand towel, this may protect you from being vaporized by the greatest destructive force on Earth!"

"This isn't that funny, it's just pathetic!" Sonic growled.

Shadow was on the floor, tears streaming from his eyes. "Oh man… can you just imagine some guy seeing an atomic bomb blast and putting a paper bag over his head?" He imitated a guy's voice. "Uh, this should protect me pretty well from a devastating nuclear attack!'" He continued to gasp with laughter.

Suddenly the doorbell rang. Everyone was instantly serious.

"Oh NO!" howled Sonic. He knew it. Now he would have to stick to his promise to Liza… how could it be any worse?

"Who is it?"

"It's AMY!"

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To be continued. Shiay, your character probably won't show up, but Sonic will still try to distract Amy. Read and review, everyone!


	46. Waffles and Washing Machines

Sonic Insanity

Hi everyone! I looked at the last few chapters and I realized they weren't really like the beginning of the story. This chapter is more similar to the less pop-culture, more situational humor of the first chapters, which I preferred more.

Sorry, Shiay, Liza probably won't show up for a while.

To Teddy-the-Bear: I wasn't really distinguishing between atomic and nuclear. I thought they were similar enough that it wouldn't matter.

And to - I deleted your review, as I didn't want any part of the plot to be spoiled.

Since this space is getting filled up, I will address the Kingdom Hearts 2 issue at the end.

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"Oh, my lovable Sonic!" cried Amy as she dashed in, smiting Knuckles and Tails aside with her hammer. Shadow attempted to give her a hug, seeing as she was supposed to be HIS girlfriend, but he ended up being forced to dodge out of the way as she looked for Sonic.

"Oh, Sonic! Where are you!" she called in a girlish voice.

Sonic winced. He was crammed very uncomfortably inside the washing machine, with a large load of Knuckles' gloves in his face (since none of them wore clothes, they just washed their gloves). If he lay low for long enough, maybe she'd give up and leave. Then he heard what was going on.

"Amy, Sonic isn't hiding between the wallpaper and the wall…"

"Amy, he couldn't fit inside the piano!"

"Amy, I don't know if Sonic could be in an ice cube tray… _with _ice cubes in it…"

"Amy," as a giant crash shook the house, "I doubt that he's underneath the couch…" CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! CRASH! "Or any of the four beds…" CRASH-TINKLE-SHATTER-CRUNCH! "Or… (sigh) his computer…"

"My computer?" snarled Sonic viciously. Then he realized that he had just spoken out loud. Amy came hurrying into the laundry room, followed by the others. Tails was trying to stop her, Shadow looked angry, and Knuckles looked amused.

"Maybe he's in the closets," Tails pointed out.

"Yeah, he's in the _closet _all right," laughed Knuckles.

Inside the washing machine, Sonic growled. This was no time for jokes! If he ever got out of this washing machine, he'd give Knuckles the beating of his life. It just so happened that Shadow was pretending to check around the washing machine and drier. He realized that Sonic was in it.

"Don't do it!" Sonic pleaded silently.

A huge, malicious grin spread across Shadow's face, and for some reason, his stomach. He pressed HEAVY-DUTY WASH on the washing machine.

Sonic began to beat and pound on the inside of the washing machine, not caring about Amy any more. He just didn't want to die at the hands of Shadow.

Shadow pressed START.

Sonic's mouth was soon full of suds, water and wet gloves as he was thrown around the interior of the washing machine. His body made several large clunks.

"It sounds like there's something wrong with your washing machine," Amy said.

"Oh, Sonic probably just left some spare change or something in the pockets of his blouse," Knuckles said.

"Yeah, he does stuff like that," Shadow grinned.

"My blouse! My _blouse? _Just wait! I'll get revenge… somehow!" Sonic would have said if he hadn't been bouncing around the inside of the washing machine.

"Hmmm… we didn't check inside the vacuum cleaner bags!" Amy realized, sprinting up the basement stairs (the laundry room was in the basement).

"Oh yeah, we'll have to look there," Knuckles chuckled. Tails, who was unaware that Sonic was in the washing machine, flew quickly up the stairs.

29 minutes later…

The 30-minute heavy-duty wash was over. A half-drowned Sonic, covered in bubbles, gloves and soap, stumbled furiously out of the washer, soaking wet. He dried himself off with a freshly dried pile of gloves before stomping up the stairs, intent on getting revenge… that faker would pay through the nose!

He opened the basement door and looked around the corner.

"I guess he isn't here," Shadow was saying, and Sonic quickly snuck around the corner, backing away. Unfortunately, he backed right into Amy's embrace.

"Get her OFF!" he howled with misery, writhing to escape her clutches.

"Oh, Sonic! Where were you, I was looking all over!" Amy cried enthusiastically. Shadow was laughing and trying unsuccessfully to cover it up with repeated sneezes (if you counted saying the word 'achoo' between chuckles as a sneeze).

"Um… I was taking a bath," Sonic was quick to reply.

"Oh! Like, with your rubber ducky? That's so adorable! Wait til I tell everyone who could embarrass you with that information!" Sonic began to smolder dangerously. Unfortunately, Amy mistook it for a look of intense passion, and she began to hug him again.

Shadow flung himself in front of the TV, followed by Knuckles and Tails. "Hey, could someone make us some snacks?"

"Oh, Sonic, would you?" Amy simpered. "I'm just _so _hungry I could eat anything!"

"Anything?" Sonic smiled, getting an idea. "All right, but Tails gets the remote. He's the only one I trust… except you, Amy dear," he reassured her as she started to get mad.

If it seemed that Sonic was being a little too nice to Amy, it's because he was. Liza had said she wanted Amy out of the way so Liza could get Shadow… but she didn't say _how _Amy should be taken out of commission. In the fashion of most video game characters, Sonic reached behind his back to reveal a large bottle marked POISON. Apparently it had been taped there or something.

"Hah! This will give me a chance to get Amy out of the picture once and for all!" he cackled. "Amy can have chicken curry, she won't be suspicious of that." He made a bowl of it. "Now, for Tails, cause he's actually cool… I'll give him what he likes." Sonic poured out some sugary cereal, poured in milk, and set it aside. "Now, for Knuckles… I'll just give him some of this chicken curry." He split the chicken curry into two bowls.

"I _think _Knuckles is still a vegetarian, so he'll hate that," Sonic chuckled. "I'll put some sauce on top of hers, cause she likes sauce." He did so. "Now, for faker…" He made a large plate of waffles. "Shadow_ loves _waffles… but not the way I'm planning to serve them!" He trotted into the living room, where Shadow was holding the remote.

"Where's Tails?" asked Sonic, looking angry.

Shadow pointed upward. Tails was tied to the ceiling fan, which was spinning.

After Tails had been let down, Sonic began to distribute the meals.

"Is that chicken curry for me?" Knuckles cried, his eyes lighting up.

"Yeah, one of them is," said Sonic, sweating nervously. It had to work! Just because Knuckles was no longer a vegetarian didn't mean he couldn't pull it off… He gave the cereal to Tails and flung the waffles at the wall next to Shadow.

"I want WAFFLES!" Shadow screeched.

"You didn't specify where you wanted them SEEEERVED!" sang Sonic in a highly obnoxious manner. Shadow seethed, trying to scrape them off the wall. "Now…"

Suddenly he realized something. He didn't know which curry he'd put the poison in! As much as he disliked Knuckles, there was only enough poison for one person, and he might not get another chance to take Amy out. Then he saw the sauce. Only Amy had sauce on hers. He handed Amy the one with sauce, and Knuckles the one without.

"Delicious! I want more!" cried Knuckles, cleaning out the Tupperware container in seconds.

"No, there's no more, this is for Amy," Sonic snapped, trying to look sincere and not at all suspicious and failing miserably.

"CHICKEN CURRY!" hollered Knuckles.

"WAFFLES!" Shadow screeched.

"NO! SHUT UP!" Sonic shrieked, trying to control them while making sure Amy wasn't suspicious. He hastily handed her the chicken curry and tried to make the two idiots sit down. They began to stomp around the room with clenched fists, knocking everything over and screaming what food they wanted. Sometimes they would say the other person's food, and other times they would shout out foods they hadn't originally asked for. Sometimes (and it gave Sonic nightmares to this day) they would yell for food that didn't exist, like 'melon noodles' or 'kitten on the rocks.'

Finally Tails managed to subdue them by turning the channel to football. They sat with rapt attention until their favorite team lost, and they began to stomp around again. Then Tails changed the channel to Family Guy, and they sat quietly and watched.

"Amy," Sonic managed to say, "this is for you."

"Oh, Sonic!" she cried, eating a huge morsel and grinning. "It's delicious! I love you!" She began to French kiss him.

Sonic gagged. He could hardly think of anything worse than to have Amy's tongue in his mouth, but that wasn't the main problem- the real problem was the poison! Amy would get the poison in his mouth, and _he _would die too! He struggled to get away- before it was too late-

It was too late.

Sonic gagged momentarily and fell on the floor, twitching several times. Amy was horrified. He shuddered spasmodically, eyes rolling, and finally stopped, his fingers clenching at nothing.

"Does anybody know whose this is?" Shadow asked, coming from the kitchen. In his hand was the bottle of poison, and it was full.

Sonic swore. He hadn't slipped any to Amy after all! Wait a minute… then why had he started twitching and all that?

Maybe it was better left unexplained.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

About Kingdom Hearts 2- I only ever played with Roxas, and I didn't want to skip any cut scenes- I was _trying _to ridicule it. Plus, they carried too much of the plot for me to miss. But when I was playing as the boy blunder himself, I soon became very irritated. I've never gone through a less interesting struggle. Buying pretzels and going to the beach were only several of the monotonous tasks that awaited me.

I watched my friend play the final boss as Sora, but that brought up another complaint. It was too much like a Stephen Sommers movie, or a movie in general. There was so much color and motion on the screen that I could barely see straight after I stopped watching (it was 1 AM, too). You would just watch Sora go bounding across flying chunks of buildings, cut them in half, and sail through the air- _just by pressing triangle! _That's the point where interactivity is sacrificed for cool images. In the end, that's all Kingdom Hearts ever was- just a bunch of cool ideas from Final Fantasy and Disney. Count me out. Plus, the preposterously repetitive button-mashing combat system, coupled with the mega-linear dungeons and recycled Disney plots, made me disgusted. Kingdom Hearts 2 is tied with Darkened Skye for my least favorite game of all time. I just hope some people have the courage to support my statement, like some of you did regarding the My Chemical Romance issue.

Review!


	47. Mayonnaise?

Sonic Insanity

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Needless to say, dinner was rather tense, as it always was. Amy was staying, having somehow overlooked Sonic's attempts to kill her. She had also insisted on cooking, which was causing everyone to be quite nervous.

She lay the dishes on the table and everyone began to eat. To their surprise, it was actually pretty good.

"Mmm… not bad!" Shadow said out loud, smiling at Amy. Of course, she only had eyes for Sonic, who was cautiously sniffing his spoonful of turkey salad. "Pass me some more of the mashed potatoes, Knuckles."

"What do you want?"

"Pass me the potatoes," Shadow repeated.

"Wait- what about the potatoes?"

"_Pass them to me!"_

"Pass what to you?"

"PASS ME THE POTATOES!" Shadow screamed with fury.

"Oh… why didn't you say so?" grinned Knuckles.

Shadow controlled himself with a great amount of willpower and said, calmly, "Please pass the mashed potatoes, Knuckles."

"I forgot how," Knuckles sneered.

That was it. Shadow stood up, grabbed a frying pan full of pasta, and slammed it onto Knuckles' hand.

"OW! My hand! I'll never walk again!" shrieked Knuckles, clutching his fingers.

"You don't walk on your hands," Tails pointed out.

"Um… oh yeah." Knuckles stamped as hard as he could on his foot. He fell to the floor, screeching with agony. "_Now _I'll never walk again! God! The things you put me through!"

Sonic shook his head with disgust.

Suddenly Tails began to pretend to throw up everywhere.

"Tails! What's wrong?" Amy asked with concern.

"I WANNA BE SKINNNNNNNNY!" he wailed.

Shadow promptly burst out laughing. Knuckles kicked him in the face, and the two began to fight. Sonic, disgusted, picked up Tails over his head and carried him off to watch TV.

"All right," sighed Amy, as dinner was over anyway. "Come back for dessert, though!"

"Uh, yeah right," Sonic muttered sarcastically. He and Tails sat down in front of the TV. They could hear Knuckles and Shadow arguing.

"You just kicked me in the face!" Shadow roared.

"For the last time, it couldn't have been me! I was standing on the brink!" Knuckles argued.

"The brink of what?"

"A puppy farm! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?" Knuckles taunted him.

Shadow began to throttle the air angrily. "Well, I clearly saw you kicking me in the face!"

"I was on the brink of a puppy farm, far away from here! Must have been some wild hooligans who looked ex-ACT-ly like me!" Knuckles protested.

"Maybe there were two of you!" Shadow insisted.

"How?" snarled Knuckles.

"Simple! Just a little cloth and oil solution, with some mad turnip blending skills from my friend Orson Scott Card…" Shadow grinned.

It was Knuckles' turn to holler furiously at the top of his lungs. "You've infurified me for the last time!"

"Uh, infurified? Go home!" Shadow said smoothly.

The two of them began to fight furiously. Sonic and Tails turned to the TV. It began to play a movie advertisement.

"You take the blue tater tot… and the story ends. You wake up at home. You take the red tater tot…" The screen faded to show Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite, wearing sunglasses. "And I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes."

"This is pretty much the worst movie ever made," Napoleon Dynamite said, sitting across from him.

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE IS NEO

The screen showed the lobby scene from the first Matrix, with Napoleon and Deb instead of Neo and Trinity. Instead of the security guards, there were wolverines. It then cut to Napoleon talking to some jocks.

"What did you do last summer?"

"I told you, I was up in Alaska with my cousins hunting wolverines!" Napoleon hissed.

"Did you shoot any?"

"Yeah, like 50 of them!"

It then showed Napoleon and Deb in the loading program.

"What do you need?" asked Pedro, who was the operator.

"Guns… lots of guns," Napoleon said.

"What kind of guns?"

"A frickin' 12-gage, what do you think?" Napoleon shouted.

UNCLE RICO IS MORPHEUS

"You can make anything you want in the loading program," Uncle Rico was telling Napoleon. "Watch, I'll show you." He magically caused a cool bike to appear.

"Ever take it off any sweet jumps?" Napoleon asked casually. The next scene showed Napoleon flying it off a building… into the ground far below.

AND KIP… IS AGENT SMITH

"Mr. Dynamite!" said Kip, dressed in sunglasses and a suit. "Do you really think you can fight me?"

"Kip, you have the worst reflexes of all time!"

"I've been training to become a cage fighter," he said slowly. The two leaped at each other…

THE MATRIX: DYNAMITE

"Your mom goes to college!" Kip said from off-screen.

Sonic was disgusted. "That looks horrible, I'm out of here."

"Guys! Time for dessert! I brought six kinds of ice cream!" Amy sang.

"ICE CREAM?" gasped Sonic. He dashed in, followed by Tails. Knuckles and Shadow rolled in, fighting each other.

"Now, what kind do you want?" Amy asked, showing them the choices.

"Chocolate!" shouted Shadow and Sonic at the same time.

"We don't have enough… Sonic, could you do me a favor and have cookie dough instead?"

"I will," Shadow quickly said, hoping to get on his so-called girlfriend's good side.

"You're whipped, man," Sonic muttered.

"Shut up!"

"Tails, what do you want?" asked Amy kindly.

"Uh… could I have strawberry?" Tails asked.

"Vanilla? OK, honey," Amy beamed. Tails sighed and dug into his bowl. "I'll have strawberry… what will you have, Knuckles?"

"Um… how about Neapolitan?" Knuckles requested.

Sonic and Shadow began to cough into their hands, exchanging sly glances.

"What? Something wrong?" Knuckles asked, confused.

"Oh, uh, no problem," Shadow sniggered.

"What is wrong with Neapolitan?" Knuckles inquired flatly.

"Nothing… cough (yeah right) cough…" Sonic choked, his eyes filling over with tears of merriment.

"_What _is the problem?" Knuckles hissed menacingly.

Shadow was at the computer, writing a blog. "So, basically my friend said he wanted to eat Neapolitan ice cream, and I was like, "uh, see ya later, homeless man." It was a preeeeettttty entertaining encounter…" Shadow looked up to see Knuckles looking furious.

"Guys! Don't fight! We have a big day tomorrow!" Amy reprimanded them.

"What do you mean? We're not doing anything!" Sonic argued.

"Oh yes we are! Remember! We're all going to Canada tomorrow on our vacation!" Amy grinned, throwing her arms around Sonic.

Sonic lifted his head to the sky, contorted his face, and tried to imagine anything worse than going to the anti-America, _Canada _(shudder). Finding nothing more terrible, he sank to his knees and howled, _"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo…"_

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Looks like they're off to Canada (shudder). Please review!


	48. The Trip to Canada, Sort Of

Sonic Insanity

This may be the longest chapter yet. Please review.

Also, thank you Dragonbreath1 for the Canada suggestions, but due to the way the story works out it won't really work. Sorry, you'll see what I mean at the end of the chapter.

I did read College Days, matter of fact, Kitsune on Prozac. But this is a different story, where Shadow didn't go to college.

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To get Sonic to go to Canada, they had locked him inside a cardboard box and covered it in duct tape. As they all piled into the car, Tails tried to console him.

"Cheer up, Sonic!" he called into the trunk, where the cardboard box was furiously shaking and vibrating. "It'll be fun! Canada's not that bad!"

"-never go without a fight, do you hear me? NEVER! I'd rather stuff myself down a-"

Tails shuddered and turned away.

"How are we going to explain a psychotic cardboard box when we cross the border?" Knuckles asked.

"Um… we could say he's a mental patient," Shadow suggested.

"Yeah, that might work… but they'd ask to see him, and then he'd break free," Knuckles pointed out.

"We could say we're Alexandrian scholars and we're studying a cardboard box that Alexander the Great brought to life," Shadow said.

"They'd never believe that! That's ridiculous!" exploded Knuckles. "For starters, we don't know enough about those times to pass as scholars?"

"What are you talking about? I'm an expert on what happened in Alexander the Great's times!" shouted Shadow.

"Have you ever studied it?"

"No…"

"See?"

"But I know what happened!" insisted Shadow, standing his ground.

"HOW!"

"I WAS THERE WHEN IT ALL HAPPENED!" Shadow screamed into Knuckles' face.

Knuckles began to throttle the air with fury. "You were _not _present during _any _of the years Alexander the Great was alive!"

"Yes I was!" Shadow declared childishly. "The Macedonian armies would hang around my house every Sunday for the big game!"

"THERE WERE NO TELEVISIONS!" howled Knuckles.

"Did I say there were?" Shadow sneered. "I was referring to the betting games we played!"

Smoke began to stream in enormous billows from Knuckles' ears. He couldn't prove that there had been no cards back then. "Well, _prove _you were alive back then!"

"Prove that I wasn't!"

"All right," Knuckles stormed, "I'll ask you a question and I'll see if you can answer it. All right… let's see…" He racked his brains. "Here's one! Did Alexander the Great really give speeches to thousands of people?"

"Yeah, I was there every time!" Shadow argued. "He would spit his dope rhymes like a menace!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" bellowed Knuckles, a vein throbbing in his forehead.

"You know how our country is sort of obsessed with bling-bling and rap culture?" Shadow smirked. "Well, it was the same way back then."

"THERE WAS NO RAP CULTURE IN ALEXANDRIAN TIMES, YOU IMBECILE!"

"Be that as it may," Shadow went on, "he decided that to attract people to his ideas, he would _rap _his sermons!"

"HE DID NOT! This is blasphemy!" Knuckles screamed. "Oh, if only Oliver Stone could hear you now…"

"It's true! He rapped his battle speeches! They were pretty good raps, too, not like the garbage rappers make today," Shadow grinned. "I downloaded them off of the iTunes music store!"

Amy came outside of the house just in time to hear Knuckles' response.

"_Alexander the Great did NOT make rap singles that were available on iTunes!"_

"Of course not!" Shadow said, looking horrified. "Knuckles, how could you say such things? Amy, we have to get him help or something…"

"What's wrong?" Amy asked, concerned.

"I was talking to him about our Canada trip, and he just starts screaming about Alexander the Great being a rapper!" Shadow told her, looking totally innocent. "We should put him in the back with Sonic, so he doesn't say anything like that at the border."

"I guess so…" Amy conceded.

Knuckles was foaming at the mouth with rage. "YOU were the one who said you lived during Alexandrian times! You said all those things!"

"Knuckles, we have to get you under control," Shadow said seriously, winking at the echidna whenever Amy looked away. "We'll have to lock you up…"

"I'm NOT INSANE! He was saying it all! LET GO OF ME!" cried Knuckles as Shadow put him in a straightjacket. "STOP IT! He said all those things! I'm not crazy! HELP!" Shadow threw him in the back and gagged him with a strip of duct tape.

"You just never know when someone's mind can snap like that," the black hedgehog concluded sadly. Behind him, Knuckles and Sonic both thrashed around in the trunk of the car. Tails looked at both of them with worry, getting in the back seat.

"Mind if I borrow these?" Shadow inquired, taking Sonic and Knuckles' wallets from them. How he had taken Sonic's was unclear, seeing as the blue hedgehog was inside the duct taped cardboard box.

"_Give them BACK!" _screeched the cardboard box, rattling furiously. Knuckles tried to shout from behind his gag.

"We'll need these to pay for our meals," Shadow informed them. "By that I mean, the thousand-dollar steaks Tails, Amy and I will eat, and the cold ground hamburger you'll dine upon." He reached into their wallets and extracted the cash. "Thanks!" He got into the car, behind the wheel, and drove off.

"Don't forget us!" screamed Amy and Tails.

Several minutes later…

Amy, Tails and Shadow had begun their long drive to Canada. Shadow casually tossed Sonic and Knuckles' wallets out the window, now that he had all the cash.

"Tails," Amy said, "can you get a road map?"

"Sure, Amy!" he said, looking for a road map in the back seat.

"Oh, so you're ignoring us now, huh?" Shadow snarled.

"What? No I'm not!" Tails said.

"See, Amy? He's giving us the silent treatment! Look at that mutinous look in his eyes…"

Tails, who was wearing mirrored sunglasses, growled. "I'm not ignoring you! I'm looking for a road map, just like Amy said!"

"Well, you'd better not think you're too good to talk to us," Shadow sneered. "Cause that's a lesson that you learn with trench dodgeball, not this wimpy alternative country music they're making these days. What's wrong with pickles, anyway? You lick a couple of spark plugs at the senior prom and the next thing you know, you're flat on your back with your face pressed against the floor, being interrogated by some man who has, like, sixty cats at home and the biggest mustache this side of the Van Halen Ocean. Seriously, why don't they believe that I invented the Internet? It's like Vietnam just handed over all its communications to my best friend, and bam! Before you can say 'word in quotation marks,' you've got it all… but you've lost everything! So…" He trailed off. There was a very uncomfortable silence.

"Er… do you have the map?" asked Amy.

"Yeah," Tails told her, passing it forward. Shadow swatted it out the open window.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?" exploded Amy.

"I know what you're up to!" accused Shadow. "You're trying to say that I can't drive well!"

"Well, you can't!" Tails said bravely. "You drive like… like a drunk South Asian grandmother!"

A mushroom cloud appeared where Shadow's head was, smashing a hole through the roof of the car. "The nerve! Tails, you don't even know how to drive!"

"Which would explain how I could flawlessly operate planes, combat machines, and every vehicle known to furry-kind?" Tails sneered.

"I drive FINE!" Shadow shouted at the top of his lungs. At that moment, the glove compartment burst open and a flood of parking tickets, court notices, and disregarded warnings swamped the front seat. Amy scowled as she was buried under the mass of paper.

"Don't worry, it's only a parking offense," Shadow tried to explain, while Amy seethed silently.

"I can see it now," Tails growled. "There'll be some politically active band singing a song about reckless drivers, and during the chorus, the lead singer will say, with his voice dripping with enraged sarcasm, 'Don't worry, it's only a parking offense,' to sum up the-"

"_I GET it!" _shrieked Shadow, slamming his fist on the horn repeatedly. Unfortunately, he hit the airbag release button by mistake, and it smacked Amy in the face.

"Date Commentary # 1: The deluge of driving misdemeanors had the girl smiling, but by the time the first airbag to the face was delivered, she seemed to tense up!" Tails sang irritatingly.

Shadow was grabbing the steering wheel so tightly that it was beginning t change shape. Smoke emerged steadily from his ears. For several minutes, the car was silent.

Meanwhile, in the trunk, Knuckles had managed to get out of the straightjacket. But, since the trunk wasn't connected with the interior of the car (even though I earlier said it was… those continuity errors really come out of nowhere), he would have to either tunnel into the car through the trunk, or open the trunk door and climb on the outside of the car and get in through a window. He decided to try the second way.

He put his fist through the trunk door, and it flew open. The cardboard box went sailing out of the car, landing in the road. It was promptly run over by other cars.

Knuckles sneered. Let Sonic get a little lesson. He had business to solve with that conniving, two-timing black hedgehog. With difficulty, he pulled himself out of the trunk and onto the roof of the car. Seeing a very convenient hole in the roof, he prepared to go through. But then he saw something he had not expected.

Sonic was sitting in a lawn chair, reading a newspaper on top of the car.

"What are you doing here?" bellowed Knuckles.

"You didn't expect me to hang around that cardboard box for that long?" Sonic said, insulted.

"Wait- HOW DID YOU GET OUT? I would have seen you!"

"Unless… _they _didn't want you to see it…" Sonic said mysteriously.

"_They? _What…?"

"You know… the Man! The Establishment! The Machine! The System! Society! Feta Cheese! Things of that nature!" Sonic argued.

Knuckles decided to put aside his differences with this annoying blue blob of fur for the time being. "All right, let me get in through the hole in the roof!"

"No can do!"

"WHAT!"

"There's a line, buddy!" Sonic said angrily. "Why do you think we're all lined up like this?"

"Lined up, _lined up?" _screamed Knuckles. "There's no LINE! Just you sitting in a lawn chair!"

"Unless… _they _don't want you to see the line…"

"Oh, shut up!" Knuckles spat, hurling the lawn chair and Sonic through the hole in the roof. There was a long noise of falling, followed by a loud, metallic CLANG as Sonic hit the bottom.

"…A little help?" Sonic asked, his voice echoing.

Knuckles almost exploded. How could there be a metallic clang if Sonic fell several inches into Shadow's seat? Where was the echoing coming from? How had it taken Sonic so long to fall? What…. Where… How?

He decided to pursue Sonic. Knuckles took a running leap, fell into the hole in the roof… and plummeted down a long metal chute, landing next to Sonic. They were in a cold, dark prison, with no way out.

"We're not alone," Sonic said ominously.

"Um… how do you know?"

"Look, he's right over there."

"Oh…" They took a closer look around the room. Huddled in the corner was a heavyset pig wearing an apron. Only his head was visible…

SINCE IT HAD BEEN SEVERED FROM HIS BODY!

Just kidding, it was because his body was behind a large food stand.

"Hi," Sonic said cautiously to the pig.

"Hello! Come get your fresh hot dogs!" the pig sang happily.

Knuckles anxiously stepped over to the pig and sampled a hot dog. "Mmmm! They're really good! Sonic, come try some!"

"Wow! They're great!" Sonic agreed.

"You didn't even try one yet!"

"Oh yeah…" Embarrassed, Sonic sampled the hot dog. "Wow! What's this meat they're wrapped in?"

"Bacon," the pig said.

Sonic and Knuckles both looked at the pig, and the bacon.

"Er-"

"Um-"

"Oh, lovely bacon… sweet, delicious bacon! I love the way it smells, its taste, its texture," the pig enthused grandly, taking a slow bite of a large strip of bacon.

Sonic and Knuckles began to back away. Suddenly Sonic tripped and he fell down another long, chute, the pig's laughter in his ears… "_We're going to Canada…"_

Then he woke up. He was in his bed, perfectly fine.

"It was all just a dream…" He relaxed. He looked at the calendar. It was the morning before they were supposed to leave for Canada.

Then Shadow rushed in, looking serious.

"We're not going to Canada," he told Sonic brusquely. "But here's the bad news- we're being deported!"

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Uh-oh… what could this mean? Review.

Whoa… I just realized that over the course of 3 chapters, I got 50 reviews. That's around 17 reviews per chapter or something! Anyway….


	49. Eastern European Gypsy Orphanages

Sonic Insanity

Since I am such a genius, I decided to update one day early. Plus, I have tons of stuff tomorrow so I probably wouldn't have had time anyway. Review.

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They all sat around the large table, looking grim. Well, except for Sonic, who was looking sleepy and confused, Knuckles, who was looking absolutely enraged, and Tails, who was busily crunching a bowl of Fruit Loops mixed with Sweet n' Low. So basically, Shadow was looking grim.

"We've got a crisis," he reported.

"What? It's 6/6/06?" gasped Tails, looking up from his "cereal."

"Yeah, actually, nobody cares about that, Tails," Knuckles pointed out. "Plus, by the time any of Mecha Scorpion's readers take their sweet time to read and review his story (except D.G.O, who leaps on every update as if it's his prey), that day will be long past."

"Could we return to the point?" pressed Shadow, as Sonic was cracking his knuckles. "Since we don't have passports, we're not allowed to stay in this country anymore, until we can apply for new passports."

"What? We have passports!" Sonic argued.

"Not after FAKER over here threw our wallets, which had all the passports in them, OUT THE WINDOW!" Knuckles screamed at the top of his lungs.

"That was _not _my fault!" Shadow maintained, trying to keep a straight face and failing dismally.

"Guys!" Tails demanded. "We have to figure out what's important. When do we get deported?"

"By the end of today," Shadow informed him, while a vein throbbed in Knuckles' forehead.

"All right," Tails said. "Now, what should we do?"

"We'll wage war on the United States government!" Shadow announced. "Boy, they'll regret ever trying to deport us…"

"That's four of us against the entire military," Sonic pointed out.

Shadow scoffed. "The military? By that I assume you mean about 40 or 50 weak G.U.N soldiers who can be destroyed by _one _Homing Attack!"

"I say we should try to take this to court," Knuckles explained.

"Remember the last time we were in court?" demanded Sonic. "Eggman became the judge, and we had to pay him 7,003 rings in gold dust!"

"Yeah, and we got it all back," Tails observed. "Plus, I transformed my law degree in gold dust, so it didn't harm _you _in any way."

"Well, what about the time before that, when we were in court?" Sonic snarled.

Flashback… (it's been a while since we had one of these)

"Everyone please rise for the honorable Judge Smith," the bailiff said.

"Shadow! Stand up!" hissed Knuckles.

"Not right now!" Shadow wailed, focused on his Game Boy Color and jamming the buttons with his thumbs. "This Gym Leader is going down! I've got his Pidgey on the ropes! Come on… come on… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! His Evasion was too high! _Why meeeeeeeee?" _He broke down sobbing as the judge regarded him questioningly.

"Shadow, you can play Pokémon later!" Knuckles growled. "Now stand up!"

"I wanted to be the best Pokémon trainer in history… AND NOW THAT EVIL LEVEL 9 PIDGEY HAS ROBBED ME OF MY ONLY DREAM? Why… what cruel god could allow this tragedy to happen?" He raised a tear-stained face to the heavens, threw his Game Boy Color at the judge furiously, and shook his fist. "WHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

Knuckles examined the Game Boy Color, which had knocked the judge unconscious. Nothing had even happened! The Pidgey had simply dodged Shadow's attack, and delivered only a few points of damage to Shadow's Pokemon! He seethed with rage, seeing that Shadow's antics would probably cause them to go to jail.

"My only hope… my only desire… I tried and tried again, and as success came near… you pulled it away from me, God! Why? How could you say you love your people… when you hurt them so? Well… maybe it's just that you love me so much, to test me like this… but I can't deal with it! I don't have the strength to suffer like your son did for me, Lord… forgive me…"

Knuckles almost exploded. "YOU'RE NOT SUFFERING IN **_ANY _**SENSE OF THE WORD! You received two points of damage in a POKÉMON GAME! You don't know the meaning of pain!"

"Pain, noun- the sensations one feels when hurt, mentally or physically, especially DISTRESS, SUFFERING, great anxiety, anguish, GRIEF, etc. OPPOSED TO PLEASURE!" shrieked Shadow at Knuckles, slamming the dictionary shut. "You call this _pleasure? _I'm distressed! I'm suffering! I grieve!"

"Without any good REASON to!" Knuckles spat.

"_Say that again!" _barked Shadow, the two of them nose to nose and on their feet, fists clenched.

"I said," Knuckles growled, "that you have ABSOLUTELY NO REASON to be upset!"

Shadow hissed with rage, tackling Knuckles. The two of them rolled into the aisle, beating each other with all their strength.

"Well, at least we got them to stand up," noted a security guard as the watchers fled the room.

End flashback…

"Oh yeah, that was pretty cool," said Sonic, even though he hadn't even been there.

"Are you kidding? That was worse than that one wedding in Alabama we went to!" snarled Knuckles (thankfully, there was no flashback). "It was worse than that time we all sat around and ate Ben and Jerry's while reading the Book of Revelations!"

"It was worse than Limp Bizkit's vocalist singing Japanese pop!" cried Tails. Everyone looked at him strangely for listening to Japanese pop.

"Or," seethed Sonic, "it was almost as bad as a certain black, faking hedgehog causing all four of us to be deported out of the country… a certain black hedgehog with a video game that had tons of guns, a certain black hedgehog with red-tipped quills…"

There was an uncomfortable silence.

"You could cut the subtlety with a knife," Knuckles commented, causing Shadow to crack up.

"Or a wife, for that matter," Tails pointed out, prompting more gales of laughter.

Sonic rounded on him. "And YOU! How could you just abandon Knuckles and me while we were being robbed? Now all four of us are getting kicked out of the only good country to live in- except Germany, of course," he added frantically, a look of terror on his face as the author leveled a large shot gun at his face. (Yes, I'm German. And any Nazi jokes will be treated with extreme criticism, S.W.R- style. That includes you, uhyeahitsteamdark, who often enjoys making jokes about my story and me during his reviews.)

"Actually, the five of us," Shadow told them. "You see, Amy's passport was in Knuckles' wallet, so she's going to get deported too…"

"Well, hopefully not to the same place as us," Sonic conceded.

"Where are we getting deported to, anyway?" asked Knuckles.

"Here," Shadow said, tossing a brochure at him.

Knuckles looked at the pictures, not bothering to look at the words, as he was probably illiterate. They showed luxurious beaches, palm trees and huge hotels. "Well, this doesn't look that bad. It might even be better than here, anyway."

"Read closer," Shadow advised, edging away from the echidna.

Knuckles decided to read the words, growing angrier and angrier. The brochure read:

CZECHOSLOVAKIAN GYPSY ORPHANAGES

Worst of Eastern Europe since 1958

Our luxurious, one-room tents are perfectly designed for a group of four. Don't let the lack of running water, plumbing and heat distract you from the good things about our establishment. You're allowed to hunt your own food from the wolf-infested woods surrounding our camp, and the weather gets to a balmy 28 degrees Fahrenheit at noon. Labor hours adjustable but mandatory.

Knuckles, infuriated, began to read the captions under the photos of the beach resort. They said things like:

Unrelated flock of parrots

A sunset five minutes from here… by airplane

Some beach that people richer than you are on

A few hours later…

It turned out that Amy was going to the same gypsy orphanage as them after all. Shadow, Amy and Tails all sat in the back, a government driver at the wheel. Sonic and Knuckles had to be subdued- Sonic because he didn't want to be anywhere near Amy and tried to escape, Knuckles because he was so angry about being deported. Sonic was in the trunk in a cardboard box, Knuckles also in the trunk but in a straightjacket.

"Is anybody feeling déjà vu?" asked Shadow. Déjà Vu slapped him angrily for making such a dirty joke, her eyes narrowed furiously.

"Wait a minute," thought Sonic as they drove off, "if me losing my passports was in my dream… how are they lost now?"

"Just a little cloth and oil solution, mixed with some mad turnip blending skills from my friend Orson Scott Card," Shadow smirked at him.

Tails wisely avoided pointing out the déjà vu, as she was looking at him suspiciously.

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So, 50th chapter coming up, along with a gypsy orphanage… review!


	50. The 50th Chapter!

Sonic Insanity

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Sonic cautiously stepped from the vehicle. Around him lay the dull, grey expanse of the gypsy orphanage. Endless tents as far as the eye could see… one thing was certain; he wasn't playing any video games here. But there were thousands of hazards. Rusty fences, unclean water, furniture in disguise… with a shudder, he remembered what the wise (but senile) old man had told him, long ago…

Flashback…

It was a dark and stormy night, as many stormy nights are. Sonic and the old man sat at a card table, eating maraschino cherries by the handful and sipping tall lattes. They were engaged in lively conversation, while a small tree in the corner somehow served them more lattes.

"Where do you think the worst place is to get injured?" Sonic inquired happily, the juice of maraschino cherries flowing like some sort of artificially flavored blood down his chin.

The old man, who might have been a vampire but was more likely some sort of stupidly named, blood-loving fan-creature, licked his lips at the thought of blood. He quickly recovered, the red light leaving his eyes. "Hmmm… probably between the legs, if you take my meaning. But the eye might be fairly painful as well…" He poked a small kitten in the eye to test his theory. The kitten began to claw the old man's face to ribbons, which caused both Sonic and the old man to chortle heartily.

"No, I meant like, what place on Earth is worst to get injured in?" Sonic questioned, still chuckling faintly.

The old man, who had several dozen long, bleeding scratches on his face, thought about it for a minute while the kitten began to tear around the room in frenzy. "Hmmm… Eastern Europe, probably. Their medical staff is ridiculous! They'll hook you up with tubes and hoses if you so much as get a paper cut! And since your life insurance is invalid there, your friends can't sue if they accidentally cut off the life support they force you to be on!"

"But… how would that happen?" Sonic asked.

"Well, sometimes they try to cause as much damage to the life support system and place bets on how long the patient will last," shrugged the old man.

"THAT'S HORRIBLE!" screamed Sonic. "They can't just go around murdering people for fun!"

The old man shook his head sadly as the kitten caused part of the ceiling to cave in. "The wilderness of Eastern Europe is a lawless place… especially those gypsy orphanages!"

End flashback…

"Wow, that was highly specific and relevant to the problem," Sonic breathed.

"Well, that's why you have a flashback in the first place, faker, because it relates to the topic," Shadow sneered.

"But sometimes we just have random flashbacks that are unrelated to the story," Sonic pointed out. "Like that time Yuji Naka showed up and he had a flashback about his prom night."

"Oh yeah," Shadow reminisced. "Those were the good old days…"

"Eggman also destroyed part of my house," Sonic snarled.

"Oh yeah…" Shadow repeated.

Amy jumped out of the car, looking blissful. "Oh, it's not much of a place, but at least I'll be with my Sonikku!"

"AUUGGGGGGGGGGH!" screeched Sonic.

Shadow and Knuckles took seats on the ground and began to chuckle maliciously as Amy chased their blue, furry landlord all over the gypsy orphanage. Sonic was only barely avoiding being flattened by her hammer, as Amy was somehow faster than normal. In fact, she might have even been faster than Sonic was… wait, how was that possible?

"I knew it!" crowed Shadow triumphantly. "Sonic really IS the fake! I'm much faster than that- HEY! Where'd my hover boots go?" He glared over at Amy, who seemed to be wearing them to catch up with Sonic. "Give those back!"

He began furious pursuit of Amy, but was barely able to keep up without his precious shoes. But the boots were too big for Amy's feet, and one of them slipped off and hit Shadow in the head. He fell unconscious, and a gypsy orphan tripped on him and flew into a tent full of people. Soon the entire camp was rioting and shouting. And, what do you know; Sonic just happened to get a small gash on his arm when he fell onto a small paperclip.

"MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN!" Shadow and Knuckles howled gleefully. They had been hoping this would happen. Immediately a medical squad converged around the hedgehog.

"I don't need help! I'm fine!" he cried out while Amy moved closer. "Just get me away from her!"

"He's delirious! He's blamed his current state of disease on this pink girl!" Shadow announced loudly.

"He's hallucinating! Get him some medical attention immediately!" Knuckles called out. Sonic began to choke and wheeze in his consternation. Smoke began to billow from his ears as he realized what Knuckles and Shadow were doing.

"He's having trouble breathing! Get him some respiration aid!" Shadow screeched.

"Get him to the hospital, before the onset of dementia! He's clearly going insane!" Knuckles hollered.

"He's overheating, he'll get sunstroke! Look at that smoke from his ears!" Shadow chuckled.

"Rip out his lungs!" Knuckles bellowed, his eyes dilating and constricting randomly. "Tear out his hair, rend his flesh, destroy his home! Filthy little blue hedgehog… I want his head on a platter! His heart must be stopped!"

There was a very long silence.

"Um… all right then," Shadow muttered, edging away from an embarrassed red echidna.

"What's the name of the hospital around here, anyway?" asked Sonic as he was carried away on a stretcher.

"The Haggard Clown," one of the medical personnel replied casually.

One could practically see Sonic's blood pressure skyrocket. His eyes bulged from his head in a worrying manner, and he began to kick and punch indiscriminately around him. "_The Haggard Clown?" _he shrieked, as Shadow guffawed with mirth and Knuckles remembered his favorite bar. "I'm not going to any _Haggard Clown! _Get me off! I just want to LIVE!" he shrieked as he was carried away. "What if this is my last waking hour… _alive?"_

"Sonic, you have a freaking scratch, chill out," Tails sniped.

"Ah, the Haggard Clown… my college friends and I got in so much trouble at that place," reminisced Knuckles.

Flashback…

The bar owner came in to see a horrible sight. A large bonfire was set up in the middle of the room, over which a spit was slowly turning. Impaled on the spit was an enormous, cardboard replica of a shoe, which Knuckles and his friends were tossing spices on.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?" the bartender shrieked.

There was a long silence.

"Um… nice weather we're having?" Knuckles attempted meekly.

End flashback…

"That was pretty pointless, seeing as you never went to college," Shadow pointed out.

"But it was amusing anyway," Knuckles pointed out.

At the Haggard Clown, some hours later…

Sonic was feeling very scared. The doctors had told him that his heart transplant would be tomorrow, and he'd already had both legs in casts. Amy had come and given Sonic all her love and attention, which was a punishment for serial murder in many countries (or at least Sonic thought it should be). Tails had come and tried to offer help, but the doctors had ushered him out (visiting hours or something). Then, Shadow and Knuckles bribed their way in after visiting hours, laughed their heads off at him, and told Sonic that the doctors thought he wouldn't last a week. So Sonic was lying in the hospital bed, stewing in his own fear.

Suddenly the window broke (without a sound, oddly enough) and three masked men and maybe women jumped in. They were all dressed in black.

"Time to go," said one of them in an oddly familiar voice.

"I wanna go to Twinkle Park! Please pretty please!" begged one of the masked ones, floating in midair.

"Charmy- er, I mean, Alpha Agent, shut up!" snarled a strangely crocodile-shaped figure.

"Team Chaotix? What are you doing here?" Sonic asked.

"_Don't say our names!" _hissed Espio, distinguishable by the large horn sticking out of his mask. "We're supposed to conceal our identities from Sonic! We're here to kill him!"

"I am Sonic, so why bother? I've already guessed who you are," Sonic announced disgustedly. He got himself ready, in case they really tried to kill him.

"Er… shut up," Vector told him. "We're busting you out of here!"

"But how do I know you're not trying to kill me or something?" Sonic asked, trying to sound intelligent.

Espio rolled his eyes. "We were joking about that, you imbecile. We're getting you out. Don't ask questions."

"All right then," Sonic said, feeling very happy. Looks like he had evaded death once again (as opposed to all those times he'd died and was brought back to life, of course). "Why, though?"

"Our boss wants to see ya," Charmy informed Sonic gravely, getting out some breaking and entering tools.

"Um… all right," Sonic muttered, as Espio shrieked with rage. "Well, can you take Tails as well? He doesn't deserve to be in this miserable hellhole. Eastern European gypsy orphanages are no place for a young fox."

"Um…" Vector glanced guiltily at the large sack he was holding.

"Tell them to let me out, Sonic!" Tails demanded from inside the bag.

"Guys, let him out," Sonic snapped angrily. "We can just abandon those other three nightmares here- Knuckles, Shadow and Amy."

"All right, the boss only wants to see you two anyway," Espio shrugged. "Now let's get out of here!"

They hopped through the broken window. Tails carried Sonic down by flying. Charmy carried Espio down in the same way. Vector was left to hit the ground very painfully, amid a bellow of rage.

"Let's get out of here!" Sonic muttered, and they were gone. Meanwhile, Shadow watched the whole scene through binoculars, his eyes narrowed.

"Come on, guys," he murmured to Knuckles and Amy, "let's go after them."

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So, who is the boss? Please review.


	51. Viva l'Insanity!

Sonic Insanity

Here is the fabled appearance of the Boss. And no, the boss is not Shadow the Hedgehog. Review!

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Sonic woke up, tied to a chair. _Wait a minute, _he thought. _I never fell asleep! So… well… maybe I'd rather not know. _He was in an extravagant mansion room. There was someone else in a chair sitting across from him, his face darkened by shadows. Tails was also sitting next to him. There were random guards positioned by the doors and windows.

"Who are you?" Sonic asked cautiously.

A low voice with a gravelly British accent answered him. "Heh he… your worst nightmare."

"What if Tails and I have different worst nightmares?" Sonic asked.

"I wasn't speaking to Tails," the voice said.

"So you're just my worst nightmare, and something that might be… say… Tails' third or fourth worst nightmare?" Sonic guessed.

"Shut up!" snapped the shadowy, apparently British figure. "I have a… job offer for you…" Twenty seconds passed, during which the mystery figure seemed to be waiting for something.

"Sorry, the stereo wasn't plugged in," someone called from outside.

"Let's try that again," the shadowy figure snarled. "I have a…. job offer… for you…" There was a loud lightning sound effect and the room was lit. Sonic caught a brief glimpse of blue eyes and a helmet before the cheap "lightning" flash faded away.

"I won't accept any job offers until I find out who you are!" Tails said defensively.

"Do you know who I am?" asked the shadowy figure quietly.

"No, that's why we asked," Sonic said, but the shadowy figure took no notice.

"Do you know who I am?" The lights flicked on to reveal the Juggernaut from X-Men 3. "I'm the Juggernaut, btch!"

"AGGGGGGGGGGGH!" screamed Tails because of how physically intimidating Juggernaut was.

"AGGGGGGGGGGGGH!" shrieked Sonic because of how disappointing he now _knew _X-Men 3 was going to be. The Juggernaut looked absolutely ridiculous. Plus, that terrible one-liner…

"Just kidding, I'm Bam Margera," the Juggernaut said, pulling out his costume.

(AN: So, the boss is Bam Margera! I knew it! Well, I had to, because I wrote this story… d'oh!)

"This better not be one of those stupid we-got-whoever-was-desperate-enough-to-agree guest spots," snarled Sonic, ruining the drama of the scene.

"Yeah, like when Matt Hoffman showed up on that terrible kid's TV show," Tails agreed, for once actually disapproving on bad children's television.

"No worries… this isn't some sort of ongoing series that many people see on a regular basis," chuckled Bam, winking at the audience.

"You know, I can see the audience, they're in this room," Sonic growled.

"Oh, sorry… um, they just announced the American Idol finalists," Bam told the audience. (AN: Ugh, American Idol…) The audience, shrieking with delight, quickly ran out of the room to find out who was the American Idol of the year or season or whatever.

"So, what's your job offer?" Sonic inquired.

"Oh, nothing much… just to do with a certain soccer match," Bam grinned. The guards pulled off their masks to reveal Bam's crew from his show.

Sonic shook his head desperately. "I don't do soccer matches. That's over for me."

"This is about you paying me back for my old soccer match that you ruined," Bam said, standing up. He was wearing a black bathrobe with gold trim, still managing to look fairly menacing. "Remember?"

"Yes, I remember, no need for a flashback," Sonic stuttered.

"Too late," smirked Bam. The flashback line of dancing girls came out.

Flashback…

"And the furries are doing pretty well against my crew!" Bam announced as Sonic and his friends played soccer against Bam's crew. "But do they have what it takes? This unbiased announcer doubts it! Um… yeah, so-and-so passes the ball. We'll be right back." Bam dropped the microphone and smacked his uncle, Don Vito. "Vito, I told you not to eat the cake we were gonna give for Ape! Now she'll be here and get upset. Looks like there's only one punishment for you…"

Within minutes, Vito was hanging only a few feet over the soccer field, dangling by a rope that was attached to the ceiling.

"And what's this?" Bam asked in amusement as he went back to the announcer's microphone. "Sonic has apparently picked up the ball with his hands and is carrying it across the field! Well, looks like the referee's going to intercept this drunken excuse for a soccer player…"

"It's FOOTBALL!" cried some English spectator. Bam threw a coffee can at him.

Meanwhile, as the referee came up to Sonic, the blue hedgehog took the referee out by hurling the ball at him. It knocked him unconscious. Sonic picked the ball back up and hurled it at the goal. Unfortunately, it hit the hanging Vito instead, and the momentum caused Vito to swing back and forth on the rope he was dangling from.

"Get me down!" he shouted furiously as the ball bounced off of him and knocked Murtogg out (reference to my Pirates of the Caribbean fanfic there, go check it out). Unfortunately, the rope was stretched too far, and it snapped as Vito reached the top of his swing. Bam's fat uncle soared through the air, slamming into the announcer's booth and landing directly on top of Bam.

"Get off me!" Bam cried in an infantile manner, slapping the dashboard in front of him with reckless abandon. Of course, his left hand landed directly on the Make-Wacky-Antics-Ensue Button.

Several large kegs of dynamite at the base of the scoreboard exploded. The scoreboard teetered over, slamming into the field. Glass and sparks flew everywhere as the scoreboard was destroyed, and numerous members of Bam's crew were flattened under it. Sonic ran out of the way, but the shockwave from the scoreboard hit him, causing him to sail into a hot dog stand. It fell over, and… well, basically an increasingly chaotic series of coincidences caused the stadium to be completely destroyed.

End flashback…

"Oh yeah, that was one heck of an after-party," squirmed Sonic uncomfortably, while Bam glared like a demon.

"Thanks to you," he said slowly, a chocolate cigar clamped in his teeth, "I was ruined! Ape got furious as usual, Vito ended up demolishing my house in revenge, and I lost all my money when I had to pay back the families of the dead members of my crew!"

"First of all," objected Sonic, "your crew is standing by the doors, they're not dead. Second of all, you didn't pay their families anything, even if they had died. Third, this is your house, so Vito obviously didn't demolish it! Fourth, Ape is always furious at you, so why worry?"

"That stadium caused me millions!" Bam shouted. "And it was all destroyed thanks to you trying to make up your own rules to a popular non-American pastime. It's payback time, Sonic the Hedgehog! I've finally got you in my clutches!"

"We're not in your clutches," Tails pointed out. "We're just in the same room."

"He has us trapped, Tails," Sonic told his friend.

"Oh yeah."

"Well," Bam growled, "either you two can do what I say, or you're going back to that gypsy orphanage!"

"All right, all right!" Sonic screamed. "What do you want?"

Bam's smile widened. "You have to infiltrate a military base and get me a tank. Ever since Tony Hawk's Underground 1, when we went to Moscow, I always wanted a tank. And I never got one! Now you can repay your debt by fetching me one."

Sonic was furious. He could either risk imprisonment and death and ensure the destruction of America by getting Bam a tank, or be guaranteed imprisonment and death in that terrible concentration camp, while Eggman destroyed the world without anyone to oppose him.

"All right," he said. "We'll do it."

"Why do I always get dragged into these things?" sighed Tails.

"Your mom always gets dragged into these things," Bam said snidely while pointing at his own pants, dodging a kick from the irate fox boy.

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So, military infiltration. Meanwhile, Shadow, Knuckles and Amy are still in Czechoslovakia… please review. This may mark a semi-plot based turn for our heroes for a few chapters.


	52. The Notorious VFD

Sonic Insanity

Sorry I couldn't post right away, Document Upload was messing up. Some of you e-mailed me about similar problems you had. If you're still having the problem, here's what I did. In the document title, put a .doc after it, or whatever file extension you usually use for your text program. If the problem has been solved by staff, disregard that advice.

Note to D.G.O, or - don't tell the punch line to the breakfast on Sunday joke. Good trip to Six Flags, by the way. We should actually buy him a monocle for his birthday. Oh yeah, and what did you mean by B in your review? Bulls or btchin'?

And Czechoslovakia is part of the Czech Republic, by the way.

500 reviews, good job to everyone who reviewed and especially to those who make a habit of reviewing every chapter (Justin Time, Chaotix Extremist, Tweedle Dumbass, uhyeahitsteamdark, molly-mouse616, playstation14, That One Guy Standing Behind You, and everyone else). Also, kudos to our newer reviewers.

To Clan rhRn, or whatever: You _cannot _be in the story again! You've already been in it twice! Plus, I wasn't planning on incorporating Carnival Night Zone or Tails + Omega anyway.

I know we have too many notes up here, I'll put any others at the bottom of the story. But I noticed that by the 51st chapter, I had 510 reviews. That's about ten reviews per chapter! So, for any of you with single-chapter stories that have only about eight, nine or ten reviews, imagine if you wrote 51 chapters. Don't judge a story by its total reviews, but how many average reviews per chapter.

Anyway, onto the fic!

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Shadow was sick and tired of this stupid gypsy orphanage. Amy was always running around helping the orphans, and Knuckles was infuriated at him for causing this whole problem anyway. He had tried to simply run after Sonic and Tails, but he'd been caught and put back in the gypsy orphanage. So Shadow began to devise a complex plan to escape.

Well, that was short. Now, back to Sonic and Tails…

The moonlight gleamed on the military complex. Seven miles of electrified barbed wire, security Klaxons, and tethered guard dogs surrounded the blocky facility. Night-vision-equipped guards moved stealthily around, their guns at the ready. Gunner turrets were mounted everywhere, and the entire area between the facility and the interior of the fence was a nightmare grid of laser tripwires. To make matters worse, the facility was right on a cliff, so there was only one way to approach it from.

Sonic and Tails, sitting at the bottom of the cliff, were going over their plan.

"I don't understand why we have to wear these things," Tails complained, fingering the strap of his overalls (with nothing else on).

"They're outfits James Bond wore!" growled Sonic, clad in a skiing suit. "The overalls are from _Never Say Never Again _or whatever the title of that tripe fest was, and this is from… oh, I don't know, _The World Is Not Enough _or something. He skies in a lot of movies!"

"What we should be wearing is dark night suits that camouflage us!" Tails insisted.

"Enough of that!" Sonic snarled. "Here's the plan. We scale the cliff face and tunnel into it about halfway up. We'll use the radar to detect the landmines buried in the soil and any other traps as we burrow through the ground. We'll emerge inside the fence, around the primary power generators. We'll attach the timed bombs to them, hide somewhere and wait until they explode. With all power down, we'll take out the back-up power generators before they can be turned on, get into the base, and sneak around until we find a tank and we can figure out some way of hauling a several-ton tank out of a guarded base. Got it?"

"That sounds good," Tails growled, "but we don't have any climbing equipment! I've got some explosives, but what will we use to climb the cliff face?"

"Eh, let's just jump over it," Sonic shrugged. "With any luck, we can disguise ourselves as soon as we land."

"Jump over it? It's too high!" said Tails, who couldn't fly because his tails were crammed into his overalls. "If you were as tall as an office building, you might be able to jump that! That's easily 800 feet!"

"Are you kidding? I TOWER over most office buildings!" said the 5'8" Sonic grandly, sticking out his chin and inconspicuously balancing on his tiptoes.

"Yeah, just like I towered over your mom last night…"

"WHAT?" Sonic covered his mouth, realizing that his scream had probably alerted the guards above. Sure enough, they'd heard, and a spray of bullets came down at them. Sonic, true to his word, jumped 800 feet upward onto the cliff, much to Tails' confused anger. The shooting stopped, and Tails listened nervously to see who'd won.

"Who's this guy?" came a guard's voice.

"Sonic the Hedgehog… pretty tough guy, so I've heard," another guard said.

"Not anymore," one laughed. "He's dead as a corpse now."

"He is a corpse, you fool."

"Oh yeah…"

Tails was emotionally ruined. They'd killed Sonic! Sonic, his protector and landlord. Sonic, his only real friend… Tails gritted his teeth. They'd pay! He flew to the top of the cliff, ready to gun down any guard he saw.

All the guards were lying unconscious or dead. Sonic was standing there without concern.

"SONIC! You're safe!" Tails cheered, happily swooping toward his friend.

"What made you think I wasn't?" said Sonic, holding his arms behind his back.

"Well- I heard guards talking about how you were dead!" Tails shouted, starting to get suspicious.

"Oh… that was just me practicing ventriloquism," Sonic explained, revealing his arms to show a ventriloquist's dummy. "We were both pretending to be guards."

Tails almost exploded. "WHY WERE YOU SAYING THAT YOU'D DIED, THEN?" he screeched at an agonizing volume.

"Hmmm… not sure. Funny how these things work out, ain't it?" observed Sonic bemusedly.

After they silenced the alarm, Tails gave Sonic a massive beating. Then, using Tails' ability to fly, they reached the power generators. Sonic quickly attached the explosives, then held himself and Tails tightly to the generators.

"What are you doing? We have to get out of here! We'll be killed in the explosion!" Tails shrieked, trying to break free.

"Well… you could look at it that way, I suppose," Sonic shrugged. "I prefer to think of it as V.F.D."

"What do you mean, V.F.D?" Tails shouted, wrestling unsuccessfully in Sonic's clutches.

"Well, it _could _mean Violent Funambulist Discord," Sonic said. "Then again, Various Furious Despots could also work. There's also Veils Found Drying, or Vacantly Flung Doormats. Don't forget Vaudevillian Features Daily, Viciously Fried Demons, Virulent Foil Drippings, Virtuously Failed Duties, Vanishing Fairy Docks, Vexed Furious Declarations, Vicarious Frozen Dominos, Vermin Fully Delivered, Vengeful Furries Destroyed, Violet Forks-"

Sadly, we will never hear the final word starting with D in the phrase starting with Violet Forks, as the explosion occurred and the two furries were blasted away. We may never know that final word, that word that could have given the rabbits eavesdropping in their nearby burrow another clue about the legacy of their dead brother. I have visited that old military complex, which has now been built over by an arcade-joystick-manufacturing conglomerate, and try as I might to discern clues of what Sonic may or may not have said, and as hard as I've tried to go over the security tape recordings, nothing has given me any clues to that fateful question: What _was _the punch line to Shadow's "your mom" joke at the end of that undetermined chapter, the one about breakfasts on Sunday? The infamous D.G.O has been sworn to silence or at least partial whispering to this matter, and I will never know (even though I made up the joke). Anyway, back to the story.

Sonic and Tails landed in a charred and rumpled heap, having traveled straight upward and straight back down somehow instead of being blasted far away, into the laser grid. The two of them quickly jumped through a window into the building. Immediately hundreds of guards began to shoot at them.

"Quick," Sonic ordered Tails, "duck behind one of those massive paragraphs of text!"

"Which ones?"

"Those!" shouted Sonic, pointing several lines of text above. "You take the one that starts with _Sadly, we will never hear… _and I'll take the one that starts with _"Well, it _could_ mean Violent…" _OK?"

"Got it!" Tails said loudly as bullets spat past them. They ducked and rolled behind the massive paragraphs, feeling words getting obliterated as the bullets dug into them. Sonic saw various words falling to the ground: _fateful question: What _was _the punch line, _and _has been sworn to silence or at least partial, _and _rabbits eavesdropping in their nearby burrow another clue. _The bullets soon ceased, and Sonic and Tails walked out from behind the bullet-ridden paragraphs of text. Tails menacingly kicked the words _Vexed Furious Declarations _out of the way. Sonic palmed an explosive, looking angry.

A few minutes later…

No, I'm not going to be cheap and cut out to all the guards having been humorously incapacitated. The fight was still raging on.

"Man, that joke about hiding behind the paragraphs got old pretty fast!" shouted one soldier over the roar of battle, a bullet whining past.

"I know," another soldier yelled to him as they took cover behind a Barbie Easy-Bake Oven that had absurdly appeared in the room at that minute. "What's even worse is that many people won't even realize it was overused- or have the backbone to say that it was- until this moment, where Mecha Scorpion openly acknowledged it was a bad joke through this blatantly self-referential dialogue in the middle of his story!"

"Who's Mecha Scorpion?" asked the first soldier, just as both of them were crushed when Sonic rolled the Barbie Easy-Bake Oven on top of them. Yes, it only weighed like four pounds. No, they weren't French.

Finally, the fighting ended. Sonic and Tails snuck into the emergency generator room, disabled it before it could start generating power, and pinpointed their location using some sand, an ivory comb, three gherkins, and a package of Oreos (Twinkie jokes are so two hours ago). Just kidding, they used a GPS system.

So, Sonic and Tails snuck into the room where the tanks were being stored.

"Take a look in," Tails recommended as they reached a door. Sonic kicked open the door, walking out…

The room was the size of two or three football fields, and it was filled with tanks, helicopters, guns, turrets, boats, atom bombs, vaporizers, Lil Jon CDs, and other such forces of terrifying destructive power. About twelve thousand armed, shielded soldiers were patrolling the area. They swiveled around as soon as Sonic entered, aiming their guns at him.

Sonic quickly made his excuses and left, closing the door behind him.

"Well?" Tails asked.

"There's one armed guard," Sonic lied with a straight face.

"Oh, that shouldn't be too hard," Tails sighed in relief.

"You go first," Sonic said. "I'll cover your back… IN BULLETS! I mean, keep you from getting hit in case someone tries to sneak up on us."

"I snuck up on your mom last night," Tails murmured, still eying Sonic oddly. They entered the room full of weapons.

True to Sonic's word, there was one armed guard in the room.

"Yes!" cheered Tails. "Once we've taken him down, we can get away with the tank and pay off our debt to Bam!"

"Why so happy?" asked the leader of the twelve thousand-minus-one soldiers standing next to the single armed guard.

"Sonic," seethed Tails angrily, "next time you tell me how many there are, I'd like you to tell me exactly how many there are, instead of a technically correct but understated tally of a tiny percentage of them…"

"Well, maybe next time you should tell me that!" Sonic shot back. Tails opened his mouth with rage.

"Uh-oh," one of the guards said. "I'm not one to get involved in arguments between a man and a woman…"

"I'M NOT A WOMAN!" Tails howled as loudly as his feminine lungs could muster.

"Yeah, you're right, Fred," another soldier said. "I think we should leave the relationship discussion to these two."

Tails began to implode with wrath as all the soldiers began to make similar comments. "THIS ISN'T ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP! It's about how Little Boy Blue over here ruined our plan!"

"We'll leave and let you work out your problems," the 12,000 soldiers said, filing out.

"That was convenient," Sonic smiled slightly, apparently not too concerned about the insult to himself. While Tails spat with indignation, Sonic hopped into a cargo truck with a tank in the cargo holder. "Are you coming or what?" he asked Tails, who was incandescent with rage.

The fox boy calmed himself down and got into the truck. They drove off through a wall… and right off the cliff that the facility was built near.

"D'oh!" Sonic screamed. It took them longer to hit the bottom then when Homer fell down the gorge. Of course, there was no serious injuries (because as we all know, in any form of commercial entertainment, violence must be excessive but bloodless, a double accomplishment for desensitization), so Sonic and Tails rode off to Bam's palace, their mission complete.

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More on Shadow's escape plot later. Review, yo!

Oh, and for why I don't like Kingdom Hearts 2: Xemnas' name can be scrambled to say Sex Man. That's one reason.


	53. Another Stunning Jailbreak

Sonic Insanity

**The Xemnas- Sex Man Conspiracy**

**An Investigative Report Into Video Game Subliminal Messaging**

**Coming Never**

About the VFD thing: When I wrote that chapter, I was reading the Series of Unfortunate Events books. However, I have read them in the past, I was just re-reading them. Also, the paragraph involving the rabbits and the breakfast on Sunday joke was intentionally written in Lemony Snicket's (aka Daniel Handler's) style.

I also happen to like your mom jokes, so I'll try to keep mostly good ones in the story from now on.

To uhyeahitsteamdark: WHAT? "Some kind of German?" Well, "some kind of German" has written all 53 now of these chapters, all to critical acclaim! Although the way that heinous insult was phrased was kind of funny, so maybe I'll include it in a story somewhere.

Enjoy the chapter, and paintball is just another way for repressed teenagers to believe that violence has a place in the world.

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Meanwhile, back at the gypsy orphanage, Shadow had called a meeting of himself, Knuckles and Amy. It was time to escape, and they all knew it. Not just due to their own discomfort, but the change in Shadow. The black hedgehog had been acting oddly unsettled lately. He would jump at the smallest of noises; throttle anyone who looked directly at him, and often mutter about "the Drew Barrymore of bottled water juggling," as if this made any sense. So Knuckles and Amy both knew that they had to escape, for everyone's health.

He was waiting for Knuckles and Amy in their tent, drawing a complex diagram of their escape plot. Things weren't going so well for Shadow. For starters, he was using a paintbrush to draw the diagram and was spilling buckets of paint all over everything. For another thing, whenever he drew a large arrow indicating something on the diagram (an often occurrence), it would almost instantly jump off the paper and try to wrap itself around his throat, only to stop when he slammed it back onto the canvas he was trying to paint on. Another hazard was the fact that he was underwater, with a timed explosive strapped to his leg.

Well, that last one wasn't actually true. But the first two were, and so it was a long, messy struggle before he called Knuckles and Amy in to witness his plot for escape.

"I've been waiting for you," growled Knuckles.

"I should be the one saying that, seeing as _you're _the one entering," Shadow pointed out.

"Oh yeah…" Knuckles and Amy took seats. Meanwhile, Shadow added some last minute touches to his diagram.

"Man, I'm a regular _Picasso _at this!" he exclaimed as he doodled randomly with black ink all over the side of the tent. "The subtlety of my brush strokes… I should apply for some sort of special class or something." He made wide swathes of paint all over the tent's ceiling, missing the paper entirely.

"Yeah, a real _special _class for sure…" Knuckles snickered.

"What was that?" Shadow inquired threateningly, the paintbrush catching fire in his hands. The beds and furniture began to rattle and an ominous wind began to howl. This had happened so many times in the last day or two that it didn't faze Knuckles or Amy in the least. Realizing that it had no effect on them, Shadow sheepishly stopped the magic tricks and they got down to business.

"So," Knuckles asked, "what's the plan?"

"Well, I'll tell you," Shadow said. A large sign fell from the sky saying FIVE MINUTES LATER. It was cleared away by some stagehands.

"And that's my plan," Shadow concluded.

"You haven't even explained it," Amy complained. "Five minutes haven't actually passed, that's just what the sign said."

"Right," Shadow said, embarrassed.

Five minutes later…

"And that's my plan," Shadow concluded.

"You haven't even explained it," Amy complained. "Five minutes haven't actually passed, that's just what the sign said."

"Right," Shadow said, embarrassed.

Five minutes later…

"And that's my plan," Shadow concluded.

"You haven't even explained it," Amy complained. "Five minutes haven't actually passed, that's just what the sign said."

"Right," Shadow said-

Suddenly, Déjà Vu stormed in. "I'm not going to be used without my permission!" she snapped, smacking Shadow in the face. She stomped off in a huff again (the déjà vu jokes in Chapter 49 were a success, so there you go.)

So, eventually, Shadow actually managed to explain his plan.

"So, we'll break out of here by dawn's first light," Shadow told them.

But by dawn's first light, they still hadn't broken out.

"Dawn, turn off that light and go to bed!" Knuckles snapped at a young girl running around the campground.

"Sorry!" muttered Dawn, turning off her flashlight.

So by dawn's _real _first light, the three of them began to escape.

Knuckles picked up Amy and tossed her over the camp's fence. She landed softly and unlocked the gate from the outside. They went through.

"Wow, that was pretty easy," Shadow pointed out.

"Yeah, it was," Knuckles said. "Now what?"

"Now we find that conniving little rat and his fox friend and get them to suffer for abandoning us in this stupid gypsy orphanage!" snarled Shadow, a large blast of fire from his mouth incinerating a tree. "I mean, now we'll find those fakers and show them what true power is!"

"Why'd you change what you said?" Amy asked, confused.

"Sega only allows me to use the following phrases," Shadow explained, pulling out a well-thumbed leaflet and perusing it. "I'll read them out loud, shall I?"

"Please don't," Amy advised, but Shadow did anyway.

"_Let's show them what true power is… I am the Ultimate Lifeform… Chaos Control… death to all who oppose me… let's find out who the real fake is… let's find out who the real Ultimate Lifeform is… I'll make them pay for what they did to Maria… so that's the key to my past! … I remember now… _um, I think there's a few others, hold on." Shadow flipped through the pages and was about to begin again, but Knuckles was throttling the air with impatient fury so he put the book away.

"Where do you keep your stuff, anyway? You don't wear clothes," Knuckles said.

"He might be wearing a body suit," Amy said doubtfully.

"No, I don't wear clothes," Shadow reassured them, while fangirls cheered obnoxiously like some sort of angel choir, albeit the least angelic one ever known to man. "But I just keep stuff in my pockets."

"WHAT pockets?" hissed Knuckles.

"I just made large cuts in the sides of my legs and I put stuff in them," Shadow shrugged, plunging his hand into his leg and pulling it out again. Knuckles was apoplectic with fury, but nobody else really cared so moving on.

Sonic and Tails finally arrived at Bam Margera's mansion, inexplicably carrying the tank on their shoulders.

"I've been waiting for you," Sonic snarled.

"Shouldn't I be saying that?" Bam asked skeptically. He pulled out a gun and aimed it threateningly at Déjà Vu, who had started to open her mouth angrily. She cowered in the corner.

"Oh yeah," Sonic said embarrassedly, depositing the tank on the floor before Bam. "Well, here's your tank. Can Tails and I go now?"

"Oh, sure," Bam said absently, climbing into the tank and staring mesmerized at the controls. "Oh, those tanks… those glorious tanks… I love them… oh god, those tanks…"

A little worried, Sonic and Tails edged out of the house. They were just getting off the front step when…

"FAKER!" screeched Shadow, sliding forward with fury in his eyes. "Why'd you leave us in Czechoslovakia? That gypsy orphanage was the worst!"

"Um… I never left you!" Sonic blustered.

"_Don't give me that!" _the black hedgehog hollered as Knuckles and Amy approached behind him, both angry as well. "I saw you, Tails and the Chaotix leaving!"

"We were just getting… um… getting a midnight snack!" Sonic defended. "I went right back to our tent afterward!"

Shadow had had enough of this, so he leaped through the air and began to pummel Sonic with all his might. While Sonic pleaded for his life, Shadow howled at the top of his lungs, in an odd, Germanic accent, _"I'm gonna show you the real meaning of pain!" _

"Whoa, it's like he's pain incarnate!" Tails winced, watching the fight.

"Yeah, he's pain all right… a peon of the arts!" Knuckles guffawed, pronouncing the word "pain" similarly to "peon" to mock Shadow's Germanic pronunciation. This was by far the worst joke Knuckles had ever told, and all moved away from him.

A lightning bolt from the author hit Shadow in retaliation to the mockery of Germany. Sonic finally flung Shadow off of himself and dusted himself off. "You can't attack me! Don't you know how important I am?"

"Please, faker," snorted Shadow, examining his paws. "Anyone could save the world as well as you. _Chocola _could save the world as well as you!"

"It's not just that!" Sonic argued. "Just imagine this: 4.5 billion years ago, or more according to the Biblically inclined-" at this point he began to cough and laugh- "the Earth was just a cloud of dust. Then came dinosaurs, birds, mammals, and the first civilizations. Cities swept the globe, and the great Ages began: the Stone Age, the Bronze Age, the Iron Age, the Polyester Age, the Under Age, and the Information Age. And now, in 2006, there's me…"

There was silence. Shadow looked slightly interested.

"And now there's me…" Sonic repeated. "The end result of all evolution."

Shadow blew his stack. "How could _ANYBODY _be pretentious enough to assume that they were the reason for all evolution? That's preposterous! You can't just _ASSUME _that you're the only reason that Earth has ever advanced!" He began to beat the earth in his frenzied fury.

"Said the self-proclaimed _Ultimate Lifeform!" _hissed Sonic threateningly. "If _you're _allowed to think that you're the greatest life form ever to be created, why can't I think that I'm the greatest life form ever to evolve?"

"Ugh… I hate these creation versus evolution debates," complained Knuckles sarcastically. Amy laughed.

"You stay out of this!" both male hedgehogs told Knuckles angrily. Tails placed a hand on Amy's shoulder. Who knows how he got tall enough to reach it. Either he was trying to silently tell her not to laugh, or he was trying to score. Cream wouldn't be happy.

"That's it, faker!" pronounced Shadow ominously, removing the Chaos Emerald from his "pockets." "I've tolerated your existence for some time now, longer than I might usually be inclined… but these delusions of grandeur on your part have awakened me to the truth! You're a blight on this earth, Sonic the Hedgehog… and I intend to remove you once and for all!"

Sonic was lounging in an easy chair and reading a book, bored already by Shadow's monologue. He leaped to his feet as soon as the black hedgehog was done, kicked the chair and the book aside (the book, **Severing Your Own Thumb and Other Funny Things To Do In An Elevator, **can be learned more about if you ask misterfuzzums), and began to deprecate and depreciate without remorse. "Now listen here, you Generation Corporate Rebellion Fix video game idol! For a while I was in the top spot… well, except for Mario, but we'll ignore him… but then the GTA games waltzed in, and then Halo really got the ball rolling. Violence in video games was sought after, and more and more teens found it easier and easier to joke about graphic murder and torture. Things were miserable, needless to say. I was out of a job, seeing as I was unwilling to be part of such nonsense."

"Sounds pretty awesome," Shadow pointed out.

"EXACTLY!" shrieked Sonic, leaping upon Shadow's proclamation. "You've been so desensitized that although the violence is in a semi-fictional setting, you can easily imagine it in the real world! And that just make you think that violence actually holds a place in our society, instead of being a terrible thing that should be eliminated completely! As little as I condone the disgusting world of character-on-character brawling just to support the mass public, I'll have to make an exception!" He drew a heavy katana from his back and waved it threateningly. "You've disgraced Sega beyond all possible hope of return! Now that they've resorted to pleasing violence-addicted imbeciles, we're lost! You've demeaned the Sonic universe beyond all possible point of return-"

"_See? SEE?" _sputtered Shadow, almost dropping the Chaos Emerald and turning red with wrath. He was angrier than my friend Tracy that one time when we were playing a movie guessing game and she didn't think I I would ever know about the movie Run Lola Run, but… OK, I'll stop. "The SONIC universe? It's all about you, isn't it? I get my own game, and you justify it by saying it's just violent! It's better than your Christian-values brand of meaningless video gaming! At least mine has gratuitous violence to cover up its weak graphics, dubious plot and hideous audio. Yours has no such thing!"

"Yeah, cause my games are GOOD!" Sonic yowled shrilly, staring down the other hedgehog in the eye.

"_This means war!" _they both declared at the same time.

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So, will things actually become war? Or will they forget about it between chapters, as usually happens in my stories? Please review, merci beaucoup. What a rhyme, right on time! OK, fine, that one was pretty bad, I'll stop.


	54. A Message To My Fans

OK, today I don't have a chapter. I don't think you'll have one again any time soon, either.

Before I get to that, let me talk about what happened when this story started. I was not yet 14, still 13, and I was trying to revive my very first story on this site in a way that was acceptable to read. And people loved it. So far I've gotten at most 5 or so negative reviews to almost 550 positives. People love this story, which is why it's going to hurt me to discontinue it.

The first reason is I've run out of creative inspiration. Coming up with new chapters for almost a year takes its toll, and right now I'm drawing a blank. It's been a struggle to cobble together good chapters for a while now, and it's just not flowing like it used to.

The more important, second reason that this story will not be further updated is because I've sort of had a mid-life crisis, except when I was 14. To maniacally update this story, I haven't seen much of my friends, I'm a little distant from my family, and my schoolwork (it's summer, but still) hasn't been what I wanted. It was fun to write something that so many people liked, but in the end, where's it going to matter? Apathy is destroying our sense of right and wrong, global warming is creating natural disasters unchecked, and the world is essentially doomed. I came to really see that, and I'm going in a direction to do something about that. This story was good, but with my new goals in mind, I won't have time to write it anymore.

I know a lot of people loved it, and I loved writing it. I'm just upset that my last stand on this site will not be marked by the explosive finale of my critically acclaimed story, but a cliffhanger halfway through. If I ever have time, I may post my ideas for the rest of the story just so you won't be hanging, but that's unlikely.

I will not take down any of my stories, especially not this one, because people may want to re-read it since nothing new from me is forthcoming. My two years on this site were well spent, in no small part thanks to all of you. I'm sorry that I had to let you down. Maybe, in a few years, I'll come back and start writing again. But things are going to be a lot different.

See everyone later… I guess.

Mecha Scorpion 

**7.02.06**

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Update: Ahahahahahahahahahahahaha…. Sorry to everybody who fell for that. Just kidding, I am not really discontinuing the story. I'll post the next chapter in a day or two. Again, sorry to everybody who believed that.


	55. Sonic vs Shadow

Sonic Insanity

Ho ho ho ho ho… I'm still laughing about how people fell for that. Anyway, review.

The clash between Shadow and Sonic is now! Review, all right?

And I did come up with that Xemnas- Sex Man thing. I was just realizing how Xemnas is Ansem with an X in it, so I began to look for other, cooler letter combinations cause Xemnas is just stupid. I came up with Man, and then S, E, and X just fell into place.

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"Well, I guess we might as well fight," Shadow concluded bitterly as Sonic walked up to him. "We better make it quick, though, or Bam will destroy the world."

"All fanfiction character fights start with a dance-off," Sonic said slyly, gyrating his pelvis. "Lean with it and rock with it, yo! Oh, I think they like that! You're too much for them! Uh-uh! Don't hit 'em with that _one-two step, _Sonic! Drop it like it's hot!" He ceased dancing, as Shadow was now resplendent with rage.

"Sonic," Shadow said in a choked mutter, "if you _ever _attempt to speak 'ghetto' again…"

"Why? Scared you won't be able to beat me?" sneered Sonic. "Come on! Put your hands in the air!"

Shadow reluctantly moved his hands out of their defensive position to put them in the air. Immediately Sonic dashed forward and kicked him in the gut.

"You said a _dance-off!" _howled Shadow, in a towering fury as he got up.

"Hah! You fell for that old one? What a has-been!" chuckled Sonic, happy that he'd gotten the first hit in. "Or more like a never-was…been! Ho ho! Chortle mirth! Funny stuff guffaw! Laugh humorous!"

"That wasn't a word," Shadow spat, "and I don't want to hear any of your idiotic laughter!"

"Next is the battle of words, or insulting contest," Sonic continued blithely, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

"Why are you doing that?" Shadow asked A. Smile, who was wrenching on Sonic's mouth so hard that it seemed about to come off. (Oh, great, Tweedle Dumbass will get upset at this one…)

"Curses! Well, _one _day they won't catch me at it," sulked Alexander Smile, creeping off into a corner.

"This contest should be a breeze," Shadow smirked. "I'm the master of dark, ironic wordplay."

"Well, perhaps," Sonic conceded. "But I was very cynical as a child."

Flashback…

"As you can see from this diagram," the teacher said, pointing to her shopping list, "marijuana is a very bad substance. They call it 'dope' for a reason."

All the little second graders laughed, including Sonic.

"Hah ha! That's so priceless!" Sonic exclaimed, thwacking his desk with mirth. When none of his classmates got the joke, he belabored to explain it to them. "You see, children, instead of teaching us that the reason marijuana is called 'dope' is because it contains the chemical dopamine, or 'dope' for short, our teacher would rather force-feed us propaganda about the evils of drugs. Therefore, marijuana isn't called 'dope' because only dopes would use it, but because it contains a chemical with an easily abbreviated name."

"But she was right!" pointed out a little girl. "It is called 'dope' for a reason, but she didn't say _what _reason!"

Sonic turned bright scarlet, his fists clenched. "SHUT UP! I'll prove that teacher wrong someday! SOMEDAY, I tell you!"

"Sonic, you say that every half an hour," Knuckles snarled at him.

End flashback…

"Yeah?" Shadow said belligerently, thrusting out his chin. "Well, I was quite the little critic in my day!"

Flashback…

Shadow, a fat little toddler with pants pulled up almost to his chin with little suspenders to hold them up, wearing a white shirt with a bow tie and a little propeller cap, was toddling around eating an ice cream cone.

"Oh, what a luvverly day!" he sang in a high-pitched voice, helping an old woman across the street and kicking her groceries into oncoming traffic. "The sun is in full bloom, the sky is showing only gradual wind velocities, and the clouds…"

End flashback…

But we would never hear what the clouds were doing, because Shadow was in a temper.

"_I'm _supposed to have the flashback!" he bellowed furiously as Sonic laughed. "Not your made-up stories about me!"

Sonic was wheezing on the floor, about to bust a gut. "Oh man… a little propeller cap and suspenders... AHAHAHAUUUUUUUUUGH!" Shadow had just ripped out most of his quills with his bare hands. "It hurts, Mama! I don't want any more watermelon, just get my quills back… Mama?" He passed out in a weary heap.

"Get up!" Shadow shouted, punting him in the side to wake him up. "There's more battles to be had!"

"Like what?" Sonic said groggily.

"Like the Free-Style Contest!" Shadow pointed out angrily.

"Oh yeah," Sonic said, even though no such contest existed. "Well, you go first."

Shadow realized that he had backed himself into a corner. "Um… all right, let's go!" He began to come up with a rap.

"Um… I really loathe Rob Schneider. I don't think he could be any snider. If his ego gets any wider… I'll run him over in my low rider. Or I might get a poisonous spider… and make it bite that hack Rob Schneider." He hurled his poetry book at a horde of booing crowd people. "OK, I'm not that good!"

"Hmm… all right," Sonic mused. He began to rap freely. "You got to stick with your friends cause life isn't fair, getting cops and gang members out of your hair, cause friendship on the streets is ridiculously rare, you got to have your back covered when the blood is in the air, cause you know it for sure that no one else is gonna care, no one else is gonna find food for all of you to share, and real friendship is something that's beyond compare, so if you're thinking about letting them go, beware."

"Hey, not bad!" Knuckles said, showing up. "We should cut a demo! I'll be DJ Spike Fist and I'll do beats. Tails can be Lil Hustler, and he can put together some samples. Shadow can be our lyricist, or Superlative Bookish. Last but not least, Sonic can be MC Grind, our vocalist and rapper! We'll get a record deal at Columbia Records and get our album produced by Rick Rubin. Our first single can be, 'Respect My Ghetto Anthem.' We'll sell out and make millions!"

There was an instant uproar.

"Why don't I have a good name?" whined Shadow furiously.

"Why do I have to join this stupid group anyway?" Tails inquired.

"I wanna go SOLO!" shouted Sonic angrily.

"I don't want to be involved in this madness!" Rick Rubin cried, pulling out fistfuls of his awesome beard in his agitation.

"Fine," Knuckles said coldly. "Looks like DJ Spike Fist is in this all by himself! SOMEDAY… SOMEDAY!" He disappeared in a whirl of smoke (meaning that he ran away after dropping a match on the floor).

"Anyway," Sonic said grimly, "back to the bat-"

"We can't have a battle now!" Tails cried, as Rick Rubin sauntered away. "Bam is causing all sorts of damage to the city!"

"So? Let him," Shadow shrugged.

"And he destroyed Wally's Rib Shack!"

The reaction of the two hedgehogs was markedly different. Shadow began to rave about what an excellent man this Bam must be, and Sonic screamed wordlessly, his eyes fiery.

"I _hated _that place!" exclaimed Shadow. "Bam should get a medal of honor! I'll make him my Chairman of the Bored, buy him a couple drinks, and we can start a slave empire together!"

"_I can't believe he destroyed Wally's Rib Shack!" _Sonic wailed in anguish, punching the ground. "This means _eternal massacres and wars spanning generations! _Our descendants will fight brutal, pitched conflicts all over the face of this battle-scarred earth until neither of us remains! Oh, _Wally's Rib Shack… _why did he take you from me?"

"You only _like _Wally's Slop Grotto because _I _hate it!" Shadow snarled. "What an emotional prost-"

"T RATING! T RATING!" shrieked Tails frenetically.

"Er… emotional prost…rate cancer victim," Shadow rectified hastily.

"That's not good enough!" Tails grumbled. "You'll help Sonic defeat Bam… or else!"

"Or else what?" Shadow sneered.

"Have you ever seen Sin City?" Tails questioned. Sonic shrieked at him that he was too young to watch it.

"Yeah," Shadow told him.

"Well, imagine all that, happening to you," Tails sniped. "Without the scantily clad women."

"You'd do that?" Shadow gasped, wide-eyed. Not that he was afraid of all the vicious, ruthless tortures, murders, castrations-by-hand, instances of cannibalism, decapitation, mutilations and suicides. No, he was just afraid of being subjected to Josh Hartnett, Elijah Wood, and Brittany Murphy all in one movie. Talk about grouping all your talent in one place (or lack thereof).

"No, I'd add some Ben Affleck in for good measure," Tails hissed.

Ten minutes later, they were on their way.

"Did you at all wonder how a midget girly fox would be able to put you through so much pain?" Sonic asked.

"No," Shadow said smugly, as if this was a triumph for him.

"…You're a fool."

They pulled up outside Wally's Rib Shack, which had a large smoking crater in the roof. Ignoring Shadow's pleas for help, all four of them (Knuckles had gotten out of his failed rap career funk to assist them) ran in. Parked in the drive-thru line was Bam's tank.

"_Seven dollars for a medium Coke?" _he was bellowing into the intercom as he fired missiles at the restaurant. "_I'll give you_ _'fifteen percent for taxes!' _Take that!" A massive volley of explosives detonated, forming a fiery cloud visible from Jupiter.

"I'm sorry, sir, but your destruction of the restaurant is only going to add to your total payment," the voice wearily replied, as the roof caved in and formed a noxious dust cloud that blocked any visibility on the road. Huge pile-ups of cars ensued, Sonic's car almost one of them.

"All right, Bam, that's enough!" Knuckles growled furiously, ducking as a missile went over his head and destroyed a Barnes & Noble.

"_Enough?" _cackled Bam as his crew laughed. "I'm only getting started! Your friend Chronic the Wedgie Dog over there knew what he was getting himself into when he got us that tank in the first place!"

"That was the fourth worst nickname I've ever heard!" Sonic roared. "And you will be too when I'm done with you!"

"Wait, what?" asked Bam, nonplussed at this imbecilic excuse for an insult. At that moment, all four Sonic team members acted at once.

Knuckles plowed through Bam's crew, batting them aside like bowling pins (with sound effects, too). He dove under two missiles from Bam's tank and swatted the vehicle high into the air.

Sonic performed his Homing Attack off of the members of Bam's crew and kicked Bam out of the tank before it was launched into the air by Knuckles.

Tails flew to the airborne tank and removed all its ammunition in midair, using his mechanical expertise to help.

Shadow used Chaos Control to get into the air. As soon as Tails had removed the tank's ammo, Shadow grabbed the tank, used Chaos Control, disappeared for a moment along with the tank, and then reappeared without the tank.

"It was so precious to me!" sobbed Bam, kicking and screaming on the ground and ignoring the injuries of his crew. "Why… WHY?"

"Because Wally's Rib Shack was a good place," Sonic declared virtuously. "Perhaps overpriced and with D-grade meat, and the sauce was watery and too salty, but they deserved to be on this earth."

"Speak for yourself, fakir," Shadow spat.

"HEY? Did you call me a faker?" Sonic rumbled.

"No, I called you a fakir," Shadow snickered. "You know, the Indian people who lie on beds of nails?"

"Oh yeah…"

"Can't believe you didn't know that, fakir…"

"HEY!"

So, all was back to normal. Shadow was finding excuses to insult Sonic, Sonic was miserable due to something or other, a fast food restaurant was a smoking wasteland, the antics of the four heroes had caused millions of dollars of collateral damage, Bam was in jail, and a tank had just appeared in an Albanian youth hostel. Yes, everything was as it once was.

"SONIC! Guess what we're doing today!" sang Amy, waltzing in through the front door.

Well, perhaps not everything.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, review. Oh yeah, and April 23rd is now National System of a Down Appreciation Day.


	56. Sonic Insanity Greatest Hits

Sonic Insanity

Hey, gang! In part due to watching the Seinfeld 100th episode, and in part to a suggestion from uhyeahitsteamdark a few chapters ago, I decided to piece together 5 of Sonic Insanity's finest moments. But these are all fictional, so this is basically my time to use all my out-of-context ideas for the series. Anyway, enjoy!

You know what Amy was saying last chapter? Well, that's not going to be left hanging, that will be picked up next chapter.

Oh yeah, and if anyone wants to know my favorite chapter, it's Chapter 30, or The UnUsual Suspects.

Quarma the Panther, take back what you said about SOAD! And anyway, what did everyone do for the 4th of July?

Finally, about sequels: I am not planning on doing a sequel to Sonic Insanity. I will probably just keep writing the fic as it is, because if I made a sequel then a new plot would be necessary. If I have to cancel the story or I just get sick of writing it, a sequel will not come for a while. I will probably write other stories in between sequels. That is all.

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Number 5: A Hot Date With Pain

Knuckles, Rouge, Tails, Cream, Tikal, Sonic and Shadow were all together in a booth in a restaurant, talking and laughing. Knuckles and Rouge, Sonic and Tikal, and Tails and Cream were all on dates. Amy had been busy, and Shadow had nothing better to do, so he tagged along dateless. Unfortunately for Knuckles, he kept hitting on Rouge, and successfully too.

"So anyway," Knuckles said, shooting Shadow a death-laden glance, "we were going fast in that thing, and I mean really fast. Julie-Su should have stopped that thing when she could have, cause we all got pretty hurt. When we reached the bottom of the hill, we were all more injured that when we tried to sell Yankees merchandise in Boston!" A small smile spread across Rouge's lips. She was about to laugh…

"AAA-HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA! What a comedian! This guy is just naturally funny!" Shadow cackled cruelly in a sarcastic, high-pitched voice. Rouge laughed out loud (LOL), and Knuckles ground his teeth in wrath. "Here's how it really happened, baby- do you mind if I call you that?" he asked Rouge.

"I don't really mind," she said, fluttering her eyelashes at him as if she was trying to use them to remove her clumsily applied eye shadow.

Knuckles seethed angrily. _She slapped me when I called her my date! And she just lets Shadow call her "baby" with no fuss at all… _He began to snarl incoherently as Shadow went on with his enactment of the story.

"So, we had all piled into this hollow log and we had Julie-Su roll it down a hill and run down after us," Shadow told Rouge, his face so close to hers that when they blinked, they poked each other in the face with their eyelids. "She was holding onto a big chain that was attached to the log, so she could pull on it to stop us if we got out of control…" Suddenly, he and Rouge began to make out. Knuckles grabbed him by the throat and hurled him into a cactus nearby.

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Number 4: It Was Going To Happen Sooner Or Later

Shadow was rolling on the ground laughing, slamming his fists into the floor and choking with his mirth. Tears seeped from his eyes and he struggled to regain breath, his laugh becoming so high-pitched that it was inaudible. Sonic was pummeling him furiously, mashing Shadow's face in with his fists, but the black hedgehog continued laughing.

"Shadow, you have been laughing FOR TEN HOURS!" screamed Tails at the top of his lungs, finally getting annoyed. Shadow only laughed harder, clutching his sides and shrieking in merriment. There was the sound of breaking ribs, but the black hedgehog laughed on, the grin on his face large enough to swallow Eggman's latest nonsensical invention.

"Say it again," Shadow choked, clutching his aching sides and panting for breath.

"DON'T! DON'T!" shrieked Tails, but Knuckles went on with a huge grin on his face.

"Sonic's ex-girlfriend became a lesbian because of how bad he was-"

Gales of laughter rolled from Shadow's lips as he writhed in tormented hilarity. Sonic abandoned Shadow and began to try to beat up Knuckles, who was now laughing as well. Tails sighed, getting out some bandages to heal Shadow's wounds- apparently the black hedgehog had actually split his sides laughing, and the huge holes in his abdomen were bleeding profusely.

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Number 3: The SMAIRD

"STARS? Stars EVERYWHERE?" Tails wondered, once again. They were all in Eggman's base, and Eggman was behind the controls of his newest invention, laughing hysterically.

"_What did you do to him?" _shouted Sonic at the doctor.

"Stars? Stars everywhere I can see? Stars in the sky?" inquired Tails.

"Oh, just a little laser beam I like to call… the Spontaneously Mentally Associative Inquiry Response Device, or the SMAIRD!" Eggman cackled loudly.

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" Knuckles shrieked, fighting off robots with both fists flailing.

"Well," Eggman explained with towering superiority, as if the matter would have been obvious to an illiterate three-year old, "you're all big boys, you have a big enough vocabulary to figure it out! What do you think it means?"

He ducked as one of his robots was thrown at him, amid Tails' babblings. "Now, now! Say please!"

"PLEASE!" screamed Sonic, tired of this nonsense.

"That's what I like to hear!" beamed the doctor. "Essentially, he'll respond to any question he hears with a random phrase. It will be the same phrase, or at least a similar one, each time he hears any question. So… what's for lunch?"

"STARS? Stars over the earth, watching down on us all? Stars, as in S-T-A-R-S?" gasped Tails, awestruck and trying to snatch imaginary stars from the air.

Shadow, mad as heck from listening to Tails' mumblings, dashed straight at Eggman. The doctor fired a SMAIRD beam at him too, and the black hedgehog stopped dead in his tracks.

"Let's see if he responds to questions," Sonic told Knuckles. "Shadow? Can you hear me?"

"Yes, I can hear you, Sonic, I can hear you… QUITE WELL!" shrieked Shadow.

"Well, it appears that Shadow will over-emphasize random parts of sentences whenever he hears a question!" Eggman cackled. "How are you doing, Shadow?"

"Oh, I'm fine, Doctor… NEVER BEEN BETTER!" Shadow yodeled crazily, demolishing a robot by booting it in the face.

"But what if the question isn't directed at him?" asked Sonic.

"If I had my way, right about now you'd be waking up… WITH WICKER BASKETS!" howled Shadow demonically.

"It seems that he just says a random phrase and over-emphasizes part of it!" Eggman laughed.

"I'll find a cure… NO MATTER WHAT! Even if it takes my whole life!" vowed Sonic furiously.

Several days later…

"The condition is incurable," the doctor said sadly.

"WHAT?" hollered Sonic.

"Who are you? I was talking to the family of this chicken pox victim," the doctor said hurriedly, covering the phone receiver with his hand.

"Oh yeah, and that SMAIRD thingy didn't actually have any effect on your friends," the doctor snapped. "They were just playing along."

Surrounded by hordes of adoring fangirls back at home, Shadow smirked jubilantly as he listened to the sweet, sweet music of Sonic calling for his blood.

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Number 2: Technical Difficulties

Sonic woke up groggily, moving his exhausted limbs in an attempt to revive them. He remembered what he was going to do today. His favorite story on was getting updated, just like it was every other week. He bounded out of bed to turn on his computer.

"Let's look at my things to do list," smiled Sonic, examining a scrap of paper taped to the computer monitor. It read:

Read story: Stop: Grammar Time!

Be lazy (unless Eggman tries to destroy the world again)

"Ah, nothing to do but read my favorite story in the world!" Sonic chuckled, waiting for his slow Windows XP system to turn on. "Stop: Grammar Time, written by the greatest author ever… M.C. Grammar! I mean, greatest author besides Mecha Scorpion, of course," he added hastily as a laser beam from the sky incinerated his mouse pad. "Now, I'll just wait until this slow…" He punched the monitor. "Piece…" He kicked the desk viciously. "Of…" He pounded a fist on the keyboard. A loud error noise censored his last comment.

Fifteen minutes later…

"ONLY FIVE PERCENT LOADED?" squealed Sonic, quickly lowering his voice to make himself sound angrier. "_Only five percent loaded? _That's IT! I've had enough of Windows wasting my life on _loading screens! _I'm calling Tech support right NOW!" He picked up his cell phone and dialed the number furiously.

"Tech Support," a strangely familiar voice said. "How may I help you?" The voice seemed like he'd heard it before…

Sonic dismissed it as some sort of odd Indian accent and plowed on. "Now listen here! This is a fallacy! I started up my Windows XP about fifteen minutes ago and it's only loaded around five percent! I need some help!"

"All right, I can help you with that," the oddly familiar voice reassured him. "Please hold while I transfer you to someone who can help you with that."

The Tech Support guy put him on hold and started playing Billboard Top 40 songs as the hold music.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Sonic, who absolutely _despised _Billboard Top 40. He began to twitch and writhe on the floor as "Snap Your Fingers" by Lil Jon played.

"Oh yeah! Dig that groovy hip-hop beat!" sang Knuckles, beginning to dance to the music. "Snap yo fingers, and do yo step! Or you can do it all by yourself…" on and on and on. The hideous sight of Knuckles dancing made the hold seem even longer than it was. Sonic twitched and almost went comatose.

Several songs later, the same Tech Support guy came back. "All right, how did you turn your computer on?"

Sonic's eyes narrowed as a dreadful suspicion entered his thoughts. "Wait a minute… this better not be…"

"Oh, but it is," the voice said gloatingly, and Sonic could now definitely recognize it.

"EGGMAN!" he shouted furiously, throttling the air with his enraged hands. "Get me someone who can help me with this problem!"

"Hah! Little did you know that I SWITCHED your computer with my newest invention, and used this call to distract you!" chortled Eggman. "Sayonara, Sonic the Hedgehog! It's curtains for you!"

Sure enough, the curtains on Sonic's window flew through the air and wrapped themselves around Sonic so tightly that he couldn't move. His computer, or what he thought was his computer, gradually turned into…

Knuckles bounded in and smashed the computer with his fist, breaking it into pieces.

"Technical difficulties, biatch!" he cackled at the top of his lungs. "What now? What now!"

"Knuckles, you saved me!" gasped Sonic, freeing himself of his treacherous curtains.

"Oh, really?" Knuckles said, disappointed. "I just wanted to destroy your computer."

It is said that Sonic's bloodcurdling squawk of rage is still ringing in his neighbor's ears.

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Number 1: The Biggest Battle

Sonic held his shield with a steady hand, crouching on the top of the castle wall. Flaming arrows streaked past his head, the sky a bloody red in the dying sun. He caught an arrow on the shield he was carrying, pulling his sword out and vaulting over the wall to the ground far below.

He began to run straight down the wall, swinging and hacking with his sword at the twisted, mutated dark things clawing their way up the wall. They were Heartfeeders- foul, loathsome crossbreeds between men and demons. Sonic swung the sword viciously, his momentum propelling him down the steep wall. He leaped from the wall about halfway down, grabbing onto a passing dragon's tail and holding on grimly.

The dragon wheeled over the battlefield, allowing him a clear view of the events. Their men were holding the wall bravely, but the Heartfeeders would overrun it soon- new legions of the beasts were marching in from the mountains. The siege machines were wreaking havoc at the castle wall, but their men were coming out and would soon disable them. They only had a few hours left.

Sonic scrambled his way up the dragon's tail, finding handholds and footholds in the attenuated spikes. He clambered into the space between its wings, where a Heartfeeder was sitting. With a savage movement of Sonic's sword, the dragon's rider was dead, and Sonic pushed the corpse off the dragon and to the ground below. Taking control of the dragon, Sonic guided it over the battlefield. At his command, it released brilliant bursts of fire at Heartfeeders and their siege machines. He leaped from the dragon, landing on the battlefield and beginning to slice Heartfeeders apart.

"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" shrieked Shadow, entering his bedroom and looking in horror at what was going on. Instead of the forty-foot by twenty-foot space he was used to, his room had turned into miles and miles of limitless battlefield, with thousands of dying and fighting soldiers, blood everywhere, massive catapults and siege machines, a huge castle wall, and dragons in the sky. His walls and ceiling had disappeared totally. The door was the only thing that was unchanged.

The ranks of humans, furries and Heartfeeders cleared to reveal a very embarrassed Sonic.

"_How did this happen?" _Shadow repeated levelly, pulling out his Chaos Emerald.

"CHARGE!" screamed Sonic, aiming his sword at Shadow. 10,000 men and furries began to run at Shadow, firing arrows and swinging their weapons.

A look of terror spread across Shadow's face. He couldn't fight them _all _off. He jumped through his bedroom door, back in Sonic's hallway. He held the door shut as 10,000 weapons began to break it into splinters.

"What's going on back there?" Knuckles shouted.

"Just watching a movie," Shadow cried as a dragon flew through the doorway, slammed through two walls and flew out the window.

"Well, turn the volume down, it sounds like the house is falling apart," Knuckles barked from the other end of the house. A huge boulder from a catapult rolled through the doorway and fell through the floor into the basement. Shadow was managing to fight off the humans and furries, because the doorway was so thin that only one of them could get through at a time. However, sometimes a dragon or a boulder would fly through by chance. Shadow ducked as eight flaming arrows went over his head and set the wallpaper on fire.

"QUIET IT DOWN!" yelled Knuckles, and Shadow could hear him stomping up the stairs. "I'll turn it down FOR you!"

Dodging a spear, Shadow realized what he had to do. He pulled out the Chaos Emerald and, summoning all his power, bellowed:

"**Chaos Control**!"

With a tremendous flash of light, Shadow's bedroom was restored to normal, and the entire battle scene was warped into such a microscopic space that the pressure caused it all to be ground into dust. All that was left was a somewhat nervous looking Sonic, who was only beginning to realize that he had destroyed most of the hallway outside Shadow's bedroom and caused a _dragon _to be exposed to the public.

"Um… the Pythagorean Theorem?" Sonic tried.

The camera switched to Sonic's POV, and Shadow did an unconvincing karate move that resulted in Sonic getting badly hurt somehow. (This is a reference to when Shadow "kills" Eggman at the end of one of the story modes in Shadow the Hedgehog. That was pretty fake-looking…)

"Good, you turned it down," said Knuckles suspiciously, going back down the stairs.

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So, those are the top 5 scenes never seen before in this fanfiction. See you later, and review!


	57. A Sorry State Of Affairs For Sonic

Sonic Insanity

If I reach 100 chapters (unlikely, but possible) I will take a break for a while, but I may not stop writing. I'll continue this story for as long as I still have faithful readers (and reviewers, hint hint) and I have good ideas.

To Justin Time: I think in one of the earlier chapters, Knuckles mentioned that he had found the Master Emerald but he liked it better at Sonic's house. Perhaps for the sequel, should there be one, Knuckles might go back to Angel Island… or maybe the sequel could be like this one, except instead of all at Sonic's house, they're on Angel Island and other stuff… I don't know… about Super Knuckles, I wasn't planning on it.

SOAD does _not _suck! Give me one good reason that they do. Better yet, explain why one of their NON-SINGLE SONGS sucks. That excludes BYOB and Hypnotize, by the way.

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Sonic bounded up the stairs, feeling the footsteps of his pursuer close behind him. At the landing, he pushed off the wall and jumped right back down the stairs, over his predator's head. At the foot of the stairs, he ran down the hall, desperate to get out of the house, where he couldn't be trapped…

A door opened and he ran straight into it, almost concussing himself. Sonic spilled down the hall, tripping over carpets and flailing his arms in a useless attempt to keep running. His heel landed on the rim of a frying pan, sending the piece of cookware flying into the air and hitting him in the back of the head. He was lifted off his feet and went sailing into the front door, crushing it to splinters and falling down the front steps. The lawn sprinklers shot water onto him, only making him more slippery. Sonic rolled down the incline of the driveway, spilling into the road and getting run over by a passing car. A small flock of canaries landed by his head, chirped amongst themselves, and obediently began to circle around his head while tweeting happily.

As bruised and damaged as he was, Sonic tottered to his feet, in total disarray. He was soaking wet, splinters were everywhere, the back of his head was dented in, so was his face, his back felt like it was broken, and his fingers weren't moving. But such physical imparities were trivial compared to the pink, hammer-bearing threat closing in on him. With a yelp, Sonic quickly clawed his way up a tree, scrabbling for survival. He felt a hand close around his ankle and he savagely kicked it loose. Finally he got onto a sufficiently high branch and regained his breath.

He suddenly realized that his chaser was climbing up after him. Terror-stricken, he propelled himself desperately up the tree to the highest branch. As the tree ran out of branches, he began to lash and flail, shooting himself upwards due to sheer effort. A maddening crescendo of screeching violins and a booming brass section echoed in Sonic's head as his fingers tried to close around a handhold. He finally scrambled his way to the very top of the tree, perched precariously on a tiny twig. It was then that he noticed the problem.

He had chosen the tree most likely to fall over in the whole neighborhood. Not only that, but all the neighborhood cats were perched in it, _on one branch. _The imbalance of weight caused the tree to sway threateningly.

Sonic leaned in the opposite direction, trying to balance the weight. A couple cats couldn't weigh as much as him… oh wait, Big was a cat. So each cat probably weighed about twice as much as him.

"Hi, Sonic!" shouted Big, sitting on the branch along with his four-dozen other cat friends. At his command, _every cat jumped in place at the same time._

With a sickening crack, the tree toppled over. The cats all abandoned ship, leaping from the tree and scampering away. Sonic was not so lucky. He fell down the tree, hitting every branch and bouncing heavily off of it. He landed in a wounded heap directly under the falling tree.

All the air was driven out of Sonic's lungs as the heavy oak landed right on top of him. His ribs began to break like matchsticks and blood filled his mouth. He began to squirm painfully to escape the tree, tears filling his eyes whenever he moved a broken body part.

"Oh, my beloved Sonikku!" Amy cried rapturously, plastering him with kisses almost as oppressive as the several tons of oak on top of him. With a casual motion, she tossed the tree off of him. Sonic was baffled. How could she launch a tree into the horizon with almost no effort? In the background, Shadow began to cackle evilly at Sonic's fate.

"Guess what we're doing today?" she repeated, a look of joyful innocence adorning her features. Sonic pulled out a machine gun and emptied its clip between her eyes, to absolutely no effect. "We're going to TWINKLE PARK!" (AN: I can't remember if it's Twinkie Park or Twinkle Park, so I'm going with the less preposterous of the two.)

Sonic sighed with relief. This wasn't as bad as it could be. At least Charmy hadn't heard (the little bee went psychotic at even the slightest mention of his favorite fairground), and he could easily lose her in such an enormous area. Even as heavily injured as he was, the rides of Twinkle Park might give him a fun, relaxing day.

"Twinkle Park? That sounds nice," he muttered. "Tails, can you get those bottles of Gatorade I put in the freezer?" In record time, the young fox retrieved the chilly beverages. Sonic placed them against his broken ribs, using them as makeshift icepacks. "Ah… that's so much better."

Amy gave him a huge hug, breaking even more of his ribs and filling him with sharp pain. "Oh, you're such a darling, Sonic! We'll have lots of fun, I promise!"

"Yeah, I'm sure," Sonic winced, reapplying his "ice packs" to his "six pack." (AN: Like he has either of those…) "Could you not hug me so hard? My ribs really hurt…"

"Oh, Sonic, don't be afraid of intimacy!" she giggled, applying another bone-crushing embrace. "We'll go in ten minutes, how about that?"

"Yeah, fine," Sonic agreed. "Let me just go get some stuff in the house, OK?"

"Sure!" she said. "But promise me that you won't try to sneak out of this!"

"I promise," Sonic announced, already running into the house. He didn't want to sneak out of an opportunity like this. As soon as he got on a roller coaster with Amy, they would be all alone in the car. Then he could shoot her and say that she'd had a heart attack on the ride! He could drop the gun off the tracks… but he remembered how he had shot the machine gun directly in her face and how nothing had happened. Would it work?

"I just need more firepower, that's all," he uneasily reassured himself. "And where better than to find guns than… SHADOW'S GUN SAFE?" He booted open the door to Shadow's bedroom to reveal a massive steel cabinet with about eighty locks. Using Shadow's universal remote, Sonic clicked them all open. For some of the harder ones he used lock picks and hacking skills. All in all it was about three or four minutes before he beheld the wide range of weaponry available to him.

Guns were everywhere. Machine guns, assault rifles, sniper rifles, pistols, silencers, grenade launchers, bazookas, shotguns, even some of the weird energy projectiles in Shadow's game. Along one side of the cabinet were all his sword-like items- stop signs, thin pieces of rubble, torches, ferns, lampposts, purple broadswords and more. He also had some real types of swords- katana, mace, shamshir, falchion, bastard sword, rapier, cutlass, keyblade, gunblade and saber. Thin curtains of bullet belts and bandoliers separated them all.

"I think I'll take these," Sonic said smugly, removing a sawed-off shotgun, a pistol, and an automatic machine gun. In case he had to fight against Amy's hammer, he took a shamshir and a keyblade, jamming them into his "pockets." "All right, I'm ready to go!"

Five minutes later, all five of them were in the car and ready to go. Sonic was driving, Amy was next to him, and Shadow and Knuckles were in the back. Tails was sitting in the trunk, but the trunk was connected to the interior of the car so he could still breathe and such.

"Remember that one sleepover we had and we all got in that big fight?" Knuckles said to Sonic and Shadow.

"Oh yeah, and when that little dork kid was thrown into that chandelier it fell down and woke up your dad, Knux?" Sonic mentioned.

"Yeah!" said Tails. "I got thrown into that chandelier and then it… fell down and… wait a minute, _who threw me into that?" _raged Tails.

"Uh, Tails, you weren't even there," Sonic told him rudely. "That was a different party."

"Yeah, that was the greatest fight ever," Shadow reminisced fondly. "So, basically, there were about ten or twelve of us and… hold on, why WERE we fighting?"

"Five of us wanted to see Terminator 2, five of us wanted to see Bikini Carwash 87, and one little kid wanted to see Forrest Gump," Knuckles mentioned.

"Yeah," Shadow went on. "So, we were all fighting, and this little kid stabs Knuckles right in the throat with a Sharpie. So Knuckles is bleeding all over the place and there's black Sharpie all over his neck and chest and he thinks he got blood poisoning."

"So then he goes up to the little kid- who was the same kid who wanted to watch Forrest Gump- and starts getting ready to hit him. And guess what the little kid says?" Sonic said.

Knuckles adapted a high, squeaky voice. "You're just trying to pick on me cause you think I'm weird! But I'm not weird, I'm unique!"

"So of course Knuckles just smashes him over the head and throws him into the chandelier," Shadow laughed. "And since there were already, like, six kids hanging from it, the added weight caused it to fall and land right on Tikal."

"So _that's _how she died!" Knuckles said in fascination, apparently unconcerned by the murder of his ancestor.

"No, that was back when she was already dead," Sonic said. "So she gets super pissed at us and puts a terrible curse on us all. But Knuckles' dad knew the cure and when he came upstairs, he saw what had happened and he cured us all. So we're not cursed anymore."

"Or are we? We-" Knuckles tried to say, before a pie hit him in the face. (Old timers should remember that joke!)

"But he was still mad at you guys, right?" Amy said, speaking for the first time.

"You bet he was mad!" Shadow chuckled. "He almost called the cops. We thought his veins would throb so much they would burst right through his head!"

"He didn't even see the half of it, about sixty other kids had tried to join in and we'd thrown them through the window!" Knuckles smiled.

They all sat there, in a rare moment of camaraderie. For once it appeared that Shadow and Sonic were not at each other's throats.

"Here we are!" Amy said, pointing out the window.

"Why do I suspect you just said that to alleviate the tension so there could be some comedy in the story soon?" Sonic asked skeptically. "We're not anywhere near Twinkle Park yet!"

"Well, you could have just _said _that instead of your conspiracy theories!" Amy sobbed, crying all over Sonic's meticulous directions on how to fold each and every one of his road maps. Sonic yanked them from her grasp, narrowly missing a milk truck. Both of these things only made her cry even more, and it was a very relieved Sonic that stepped out of the car into Twinkie Park a few minutes later.

"We'll take three adult tickets and two children's," Sonic said, as Amy and Tails were children.

"Why are you telling me this?" Shadow sneered, their friendship having evaporated during the car ride when Shadow had found out about the theft of his guns and swords.

Sonic muttered with indignity, walking over to the ticket booth and getting five tickets. Muttering even more, he paid the entire bill.

"I'll pay for your tickets," he scowled thunderously, "but I'm not going to pay for any candy or extra rides or things like that. You know why Team Chaotix is so poor? Because Charmy exhausts all their cash whenever they go to this park!"

With those ominous words, they entered the park.

_Meanwhile, _back at the ranch… meaning at Eggman's secret base, the fat doctor himself was concocting an evil plan. (It's been a while since we saw him!) Actually, he wasn't. He was talking to his therapist, while lying on a couch that must have been reinforced with titanium to support his weight.

"I tried doing everything you said, Doc," he said. "I tried losing weight, but that didn't work. I tried to focus my attention elsewhere, but-"

"Why are you talking to me?" Doctor Eggman inquired angrily. "_I'm _supposed to be telling that to you!' The therapist, looking mortified, quickly ducked behind his notebook and scribbled furiously.

"Anyway, I tried doing everything you said, Doc," Eggman said, eerily using the exact same words as his shrink. "I tried losing weight, but that didn't work. I tried to focus my attention elsewhere, but-" He broke off, pulled out a remote, and pressed it. Immediately several robots came in and carried a protesting Déjà Vu away.

"My life's a mess, Doc!" Eggman concluded sadly. "I still weigh 12,000 pounds! None of my evil schemes are working! My wife's ready to divorce!"

"What wife?" the therapist asked curiously.

In Metal Sonic's room…

"I've had enough of him," the robot stressed, wiping tears from his eyes. He removed his hair curlers, applied some lipstick and began throwing things into bags. "He can have all those robots and things he likes, but he's not getting my jewels and shoes and furs and purses, no way!"

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, meaning Eggman's therapist's offices…

"The only times my evil schemes ever even sort of work is when I'm targeting Sonic!" Eggman wailed.

"And even then they're failures," muttered the shrink.

"Well, they're all _moral _victories," Eggman explained in overwhelming detail. "Maybe I should try to create some kind of scandal about him… maybe I could go up to him and say, 'No, Sonic, I am your father!' Like in that movie…"

"No, but you should continue along the lines of targeting his parents," the shrink said.

"THAT'S IT!" Eggman shrieked, standing up.

"What?"

"I will successfully prove that Sonic's mother is a ham sandwich!" Eggman exclaimed blissfully.

As the therapist went through facial contortions due to his overwhelming rage at such an idiotic statement, Eggman began to pirouette around the room until his fat billowed around him like a dress. Finally sitting down, he seized the shrink's pad of paper and began making sketches and diagrams, with footnotes and labels aplenty. So began another fiendish plot.

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This chapter contained more of the 'old-school' humor that I experimented with in Chapter 46. I know it wasn't all that funny, but the humor should come in Twinkle Park and with Eggman's outlandish scheme. Anyway, please review.


	58. That's What She Said

Sonic Insanity

System of a Down is amazing. And what do you mean, your sister plays them? Does she play their songs on a guitar or something, or does she just listen to them? In either case, they're the best band ever.

600 reviews, thanks to everybody involved.

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Metal Sonic woke up, gazing blearily around. He was in the middle of the ocean, with enormous pillars of fire bursting from a blood-red sky down toward him. A fleet of men riding bird-like creatures was silhouetted against the two moons, and he was seated upon a large inflatable pencil sharpener.

"It's going to be one of those days," he said, worried.

Then he woke up again, feeling a sharp pain in his eye- another robot had poked him with a gun barrel.

Instantly Metal Sonic was on his feet, grabbing the robot by the throat. "_Why did you trespass on my domain? _Tell me, or you'll never see apple Jell-O again!"

At the mention of such a fierce punishment, the robot gurgled mechanically with fear. "The master wants to see you."

Disgusted, Metal Sonic hurled the robot into a nearby hot tub, which was filled to the brim with sulfuric acid. "It's always me, isn't it?" he cried to the heavens, beeping and clicking with abject despair. "Why do I always have to help him? It's not like he ever even takes my advice or has me do anything in any case… ugh, I hate life."

"You just say that cause it's a Monday," a passing robot said soothingly.

"It can't be a Monday! It's the 12th!" Metal Sonic snapped, as if that fact contradicted the robot's statement. He hurled the robot into the hot tub of sulfuric acid and continued on his way. Once he reached Eggman's room, he knocked hesitantly on the door. When no reply came, he entered.

"WHOA! Did you SEE that?" shrieked Eggman, watching a movie. "That was AMAZING!"

"Action movie?" Metal Sonic said, looking at the screen.

"No, this is _Rumor Has It," _Eggman told him. Metal Sonic's head almost exploded as he tried to imagine anything amazing about that movie.

"So, why don't you come the first time I ask you?" Eggman asked menacingly, shutting off the movie.

"Why don't you cut your mustache?" Metal Sonic sneered.

"No way!" Eggman shouted. "I don't trust barbers… not after last time…" A flashback followed.

"Hi, I'd like this haircut," Eggman said, pointing at a picture on the "hair menu" he had received. This Eggman had long lustrous locks of silky hair.

"I'm sorry, we're all out," the clerk responded.

"_What do you mean, _ALL OUT?" Eggman snarled. "You can't be out of a haircut!"

"We have no more in stock, sir, I apologize," the clerk said smoothly.

"All right, wise guy," stormed Eggman, "it looks like you'll be meeting my robotic fleet very soon… _very soon indeed! _Metal Sonic, summon the drones!"

Metal Sonic did not make a move. "Eggman, that picture is of a wig, not a haircut. They're just out of wigs."

"Heh heh," gulped Eggman anxiously as security converged on him.

End flashback…

"So," Eggman grumbled, "about the Ham Sandwich Plot. We'll have to assemble some false evidence to support our conclusion. I got this handy book for us to come up with a plan."

"Oh, lord," Metal Sonic fretted as he walked over to the book. "He just yanked a book off the library shelf, didn't he? Or maybe… no, that's too hideous to contemplate." He picked up the book, sighing in relief. Then he realized that his worst fears had come to life.

"OH NO!" he shrieked, clutching the book with nervous hands. Emblazoned boldly across the cover were the words:

LEARNING WITH HERMAN ABOUT SUBURBAN VERMIN

YOUR HANDY GUIDE TO MIDDLE-CLASS CRITTERS

"Like the pinching hammock weasels?" screamed Metal Sonic, loudly enough to cause radio receivers worldwide to short out. "Remember _that _little catastrophe? Or perhaps the chuckling George Foreman grill lemurs? I thought I'd never get out of THAT little episode alive…"

"That's not what we're using!" Eggman said, annoyed, snatching the book from Metal Sonic's robotic paws. "That's just some light reading. This is what we're using!" He brandished the tome at Metal Sonic. This one was called:

HOW TO FOIL YOUR ARCH NEMESIS AND BOIL YOUR PARCHED GENESIS:

998 WAYS TO FACE YOUR WORST OPPONENTS

"998? I thought it's supposed to be 999," Metal Sonic said, confused.

"I guess they couldn't come up with enough ideas," Eggman concluded.

"I'll say," the robotic hedgehog said with disgust, flipping through it. "Half of these just say 'turn to the next page to find a good one' or 'see page so-and-so.' What a rip-off!"

"Shut up!" Eggman proclaimed, turning mauve in his rage. "There's still a couple hundred for us to use! Luckily, there's an index in this book." He flipped through. "Ah! _How To Prove That Your Enemy Has A Ham Sandwich For A Mother, _page ninety-twelve." He leafed unconcernedly to the page, while Metal Sonic was speechless with shock that the book was so specific.

"Hmmm, hmmm, hmmm…" Eggman mused happily. "Add water, stir for 8 minutes… OK, that's basically good. We just need to wait until we can capture that blue hedgehog. Where is he now?"

"He's in Twinkle Park on the Hurl-And-Whirl," Metal Sonic was quick to say, hiding his OOSR (Obsessing Over Sonic Radar).

"OK," Eggman replied, favoring his robot with an extremely suspicious look. "We'll let him have the afternoon there. It'll take a while to complete our scheme."

"At least he'll have a good time before our plot," Metal Sonic grinned.

At Twinkle Park, however, Sonic was far from having a good time.

"SOMEONE GET ME OUT!" he howled, completely unrestricted in his seat on the Hurl-And-Whirl. If he wasn't held down, you might ask, why couldn't he just get out himself? Well, first of all, he had been injected with rigor mortis so he was incapable of moving. Secondly, he was wearing a shock collar that zapped him when he touched the walls. "This ride has twenty-something loops and five consecutive corkscrews! And it drops straight down repeatedly! I'll never survive!"

"Oh, cheer up, Sonic!" Amy said happily, who was securely fastened into her seat. "It's all part of the thrilling experience!"

Knuckles stifled a grin in his mitt as he heard Sonic's verbal eruption. "_Thrilling experience? _I'll give you a _thrilling experience _if someone doesn't let me… wait, that didn't sound right, I'm… AUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" He was drowned in a deluge of Amy-kisses.

Shadow, who was standing in line to be next on the Hurl-And-Whirl, leaned forward and began to speak in a condescending manner. "Sonic, some might wonder: is it unsafe to ride the Hurl-and-Whirl while ignoring all safety restraints? Some might say yes. But I've got the inside scoop." He smirked widely as Sonic's veins bulged in rage. "You see, fakir, all this talk of it being unsafe to ride a ride, that's all just local gossip, folklore, superstition, call it what you will. People used to believe that radiation was a magical aura until they were taught the truth! This is just one of those highly scientific principles that not everyone can understand." He patted Sonic's head, not realizing that the rigor mortis was about to wear off. "In any case, I'm sure that… heh… you'll be _glued to your seat _by such an exciting ride!"

Sonic lunged at Shadow, who nimbly dodged out of the way. True to the black hedgehog's word, Sonic had been literally glued to the seat. His violent lunge, however, caused the fur on his backside by which he was glued to come off, provoking squeals of pain and much embarrassment. As Sonic tore off the stun collar and tried to stumble out of the roller coaster car, it took off, forcing him back into the seat.

"_Make it stop!" _he shrieked, struggling to take out one of his guns. He fired wildly at Amy, but he was so busy trying to cling to the interior of the roller coaster that his aim was highly inaccurate. He put the gun down in disgust, grabbed the shamshir and began to swing it like a dervish. A particularly vicious swing upset his balance and sent him hurtling out of the ride, screaming every inch of the way down until, 300 feet below, came a colossal mushroom cloud and the word OUCH in smoke.

When Sonic had finally been pried off the ground with a spatula the size of a mattress, he proceeded to give Shadow the beating of the century. Then they went off.

As they passed Yoshi from the Mario series, Tails pointed out, "There seem to be a lot of video game characters here today."

"That's cause today it's half off for any such characters," Knuckles declared, reading a sign that he had obviously just drawn himself in order to give Tails a convenient explanation. Sonic shook his head in disgust.

Suddenly, a tall man with a sword and a dagger leaped from the top of a building, slid down a large tapestry, ran the rest of the way down and fell to their feet. "Excuse me," he said in a semi-English accent, "could you tell me how to get into the gift shop?"

Shadow was looking rather confused, as the gift shop was the building that the man had just run down and was now standing just three feet from. "OK, Prince of Persia, I'll tell you. You run up that wall, bounce between the wall and that lamp post, push off the window shutter, then shimmying along the window ledge-"

"Don't listen to him, Prince," Amy said, shooting her so-called boyfriend a dirty look. "You just go through that door right there."

The Prince seemed to wilt before their eyes.

"No ledges? No gymnast poles or balance beams?" he wailed. "I'm incapable of opening doors! YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!"

"Just do what Shadow said and you'll be fine," Tails assured the Prince, unaware that Knuckles had pocketed the Prince's Dagger of Time. The Prince, shrugging, ran up the wall, but when he jumped to the lamppost, he broke his kneecap and hurtled to the ground twenty feet below. He reached for his Dagger of Time to rewind time so he had never received the injuries, but Knuckles had thrown the Dagger into a nearby lake, leaving the Prince to maniacally hobble after it.

"Honestly, what a fool," sighed a jet-black version of the Prince with gold designs and a chain on his arm, walking after his companion. "I've seen three-legged stray dogs with greater skills…"

"SHUT UP! I was doing fine… um… I clearly need to rewind time to the very beginning of time just so I can recover these bruises!" the Prince shouted.

"Not without the dagger, he won't… hah, what an imbecile!" chuckled Knuckles happily.

"What did you say about my mother?" Sonic growled frenziedly, a red light entering his eyes. All edged away from him.

Several hours later, Metal Sonic and Eggman had entered the park and were now looking for Sonic. Eggman was disguised by wearing a small fake bald patch, even though he was completely bald. Metal Sonic was wearing an enormous beard that occasionally caught in his gears and caused him to partially explode. They were riding the rides, hoping to find Sonic.

"Wow, that ride was really good!" Eggman said, getting off the 10-G Bucket o' Joy. "I was screaming so loudly, and it made my heart go so fast! And the restraints were pretty tight, so there was no chance of an accident."

"That's what she said last night," Metal Sonic cackled, delighted to find such a great opportunity to use that insult. Eggman was so angry that his bald patch flew off like the cap of a bottle of soda after being shaken up. It whirled like a razor disc through the air and embedded itself in a wall, next to an oblivious Amy's head. She thought Sonic had tried to put his tongue in her ear (how foul) and began to make out with her favorite blue hedgehog. The ensuing struggle caused Metal Sonic to catch a glimpse of the five furries.

"Look! Sonic's over there!" he gasped as Eggman throttled him.

"Oh, don't try to get out of that one!" growled Eggman, squeezing more tightly for good measure. "That was a horrible thing to say, and you- hey, look! There's Sonic and his pals!" While Metal Sonic swore under his breath, Eggman glanced over. "Who was supposed to bring the tranquilizer guns? We don't have them!"

"You were," Metal Sonic pointed out, observing the small Post-It note on Eggman's hand reading BRING TRANQ GUNS.

"Well, I'll let it slide _this _time, but next time you'd better not forget!" Eggman hissed menacingly while Metal Sonic almost imploded with wrath. "Now, all we need to do is catch them."

Slowly, the two villains moved in for the capture. Metal Sonic was capable of subduing all of them without Eggman. However, he was not aware of all the weaponry Sonic had brought…

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Ooh, what will happen? Please review, or read… one of those…

Apples

Oranges  
Bananas  
Pears

Kumquats

Plums

Peaches

Grapes  
Nectarines  
Apricots  
Boysenberries

Blackberries  
Blueberries

Strawberries

Raspberries

Kiwi

Star fruit

Dragon fruit  
Passion fruit

Pineapples

Watermelons

Tomatoes

Honeydew

Cantaloupe

Calabashes

Lemons

Limes

Mangoes

Papayas

…Wouldn't _you _like to know.


	59. The Widiculous Wasteland

Sonic Insanity

UPDATE: I decided to re-post the chapter cause I thought it could be funnier.

Cliffhangers are good. Accept them as a way of life, shadow the hedgyhog. Clear your mind of irrationality and doubt and embrace that path.

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"What are those strange figures coming over the horizon?" Tails asked, pointing at Metal Sonic and Eggman, who were not 'over the horizon' but only about ten feet from them. Unfortunately, nobody was listening. Amy was too busy trying to make out with Sonic. Sonic was too busy avoiding Amy. Shadow was too busy laughing at the fate of children who were too short to ride the rides. (They're still at Twinkle Park, remember.) Knuckles, however, wasn't really doing anything.

"Knuckles!" Tails insisted. "Look at those two guys coming right at us!"

"Shut up, Tails, nobody likes you," Knuckles seethed randomly. Tails burst into tears, and Amy began to comfort him instead of her blue hedgehog. Sonic, enormously relieved, was still offended at the insult to his little buddy.

"Ooh, big man!" he said mockingly. "How about you put your money where your mouth is, _Knuxie?" _

"Knuxie" took this comment literally and inserted a thick stack of quarters between his teeth, trying to bite them in half. His teeth began to creak threateningly and he spat them out. Tails caught all of them and smiled. Female attention and free money… both for free! Wait a minute…

Anyway, so Knuckles smirked, despite his failure to prove anything. "What are you going to do, fakir?"

Shadow prudently dodged out of the way as Sonic flung a park attendant at him, cartoon character costume and all. The Wile E. Coyote impersonator landed on a piano, accidentally causing the most beautiful melody ever played to occur. But nobody was listening, so the secret was lost. "See what you've done? You've gotten him to start this whole 'fakir' nonsense and I won't stand for it!"

"Good thing you're sitting down," Knuckles sneered. Sonic's response was to pull a ship's mast out of nowhere and slam him in the face with it. Knuckles went sailing, landing only three feet away. So maybe he just tripped over his feet or something.

"GUYS! And Amy!" Tails shrieked in such a high voice that it caused light to be refracted differently and temporarily bathed the world in orangey grey. Apparently he had decided that imminent death was a worse fate than losing Amy's attention. "Eggman and Metal Sonic are approaching!"

"No, they're just my paparazzi," Shadow scoffed. "They're so drawn to my natural good looks and charm that they can't resist taking photographs…"

"No, they're MY paparazzi!" Knuckles argued. Shadow pulled the ship's mast out of thin air again and smacked Knuckles upside the head with it. This provoked a huge fight. Knuckles grabbed a guitar, stuffed Shadow into the guitar through the guitar's sound hole, glued all the strings together with flammable glue, doused the guitar in gasoline, sealed it inside a guitar case, doused that with oil, dropped it in a tub full of kerosene, and hurled the whole thing into the ground so hard that the gas line was penetrated. He then dropped a match and… well, you can imagine what happened. There was an explosion the size of Philly and most of the park was destroyed, leaving a large battlefield for them to fight.

"Eggman!" Sonic shouted. "Good thing I spotted him, or he would have had us!"

"Better give up while you still can!" Eggman called courageously, hiding heroically behind a disgusted Metal Sonic. Tails throttled the air, furious that Sonic had gotten the glory again.

"Hey," Sonic thought to himself, "I brought some weapons, didn't I?" To make a long story short, there was a flashback in which Sonic got the weapons, which happened two chapters ago so there's no need to go over it again. "Five in all… so that means each of us can have one!" He quickly hurled the key blade and the pistol far into the distance. "I mean, three. So Amy and Shadow will just have to go without. Actually, I doubt Shadow survived that little explosion…" He glanced around. The black hedgehog was nowhere to be seen.

"Hi, fakir!" grinned Shadow, sitting on top of Sonic's head.

Sonic almost exploded just as immensely as the one that Knuckles had just staged. _"How did you survive?"_

"Well, I gotta tell ya, it IS a difficult job, escaping colossal explosions that occur right on top of you and things like that," Shadow explained, hopping off his rival's head. "But I've learned the ropes of the job and with time, I've gotten better at it!"

Sonic was madder than an old wet hen… with the bird flu… in a vat of turpentine. "You don't _get better _at something like that! There's no option but instant death!"

"Well, I remember things a little differently," Shadow grinned, his nose gleaming in the sun. "But I gotta tell you, if you don't succeed at escaping… it's a fate worse than death."

"_It IS death!" _shrieked Sonic, cardiac arrest clearly just around the corner. "You'd die instantly due to the heat! You probably wouldn't feel anything! That's much better than most deaths!"

"Perhaps a flashback would be helpful at this time," Shadow began, drawing such a deep breath that clods of dirt disappeared into the vacuum without a trace. Thankfully, everyone was spared Shadow's undoubtedly absurd flashback, because a huge robotic fist swung at him and flung the black hedgehog into an electrical billboard. He punched a hole cleanly through it, yet somehow landed on the same side of the billboard on which he was thrown… perhaps he sailed all the way around the world.

"How did you get a machine?" Sonic bellowed at Eggman.

"I built it for him!" Tails squeaked.

"WHAT?" howled Sonic.

"What's the big deal? I felt sorry for him! Maybe he should succeed once in a while!" Tails defended.

"Not against US!" shrieked Sonic, resolving never to consider Tails cool again. He knew that since Tails had built the robot, it was sure to be actually good. Well, there was that one time… he resolved to forget it. "Tails, Amy, you go over there. Shadow…" Sonic pulled the weapons out of his "pockets." He had a shamshir, a sawed-off shotgun and an automatic machine gun. He tossed the two guns to Shadow (grudgingly, but he knew that he and Shadow were the best fighters) and gave him a nod. "On my count-"

"What do I do?" Knuckles questioned interrogatively.

"Um… go guard the women and children," Shadow told him.

"What children?" Sonic asked, and they chuckled as Tails screamed about being called a woman. Then they realized that even if Tails was a girl, he was still young enough to be a child, and Amy was only 12 or something anyway, so the joke was ruined.

"How about what women?" Shadow attempted.

"So Amy's a guy or something? Eh, that one's OK, I guess," Sonic shrugged. Ten seconds later, Amy was glowering and Sonic was sporting two black eyes, a bloody lip, and bruises everywhere. "Er, I mean, that's the worst joke I've ever heard…"

The four fighters (Sonic, Shadow, Metal Sonic, and Eggman) slowly circled each other, meaning Eggman ate popcorn on the sidelines and Metal Sonic studied his metallic fingernails impatiently while Sonic and Shadow bickered.

"What happened to the machine?" Sonic asked. "I thought Tails built him one…"

"Well, it turned out that Tails didn't have the materials to make a machine on the spot, so it disappeared," explained Shadow.

"Wait, so how was it ever built in the first place?" Sonic raged skeptically.

"Nobody noticed that there weren't any materials," Shadow cackled, while Knuckles elbowed Sonic playfully in the ribs. While Sonic's blood pressure went into quadruple digits and beat-downs were dispensed, Eggman smirked. "This is just a game, surely they realize that. They won't beat us because they have to follow the rules!" Where he derived this was not clear, but it might have had something to do with the referee shirt and whistle he was wearing.

Suddenly, Shadow and Sonic pulled out their weapons and began fighting Metal Sonic.

"PENALTY!" screeched Eggman, his face purple. "I've never seen such cheating in all of… er… in all of sunflower seeds! Not that I'd be caught dead eating such healthy food!" He began to blast on the whistle in a thoroughly obnoxious manner, but nobody was paying any attention. They were too busy fighting.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screeched Eggman. "This is worse than that one time when…"

Flashback…

A very young Eggman was tinkering with a robot. "Hah!" he cackled irritatingly. "With my new device, all the world's candy manufacturers will be forced to give up their warehouses to me! Now what to call it…" He critically examined the man-shaped figure. "THE EGG BOARD OF HEALTH OFFICIAL!"

"What will you use it for?" Eggman's little brother asked.

"I don't have a little brother," Eggman snarled. The little boy disappeared and in walked Eggman's mom.

"What's that machine for?" she asked.

"I don't have- oh, never mind," Eggman said dismissively. "Point is, this robot will report all the candy warehouses as unfit to produce food. Then their caches of candy will be delivered straight to me!"

"But the Board of Health will consider the candy unsafe and keep anyone from eating it," objected his mother.

"SHUT UP! I hate you! I'm leaving this house!" Eggman shrieked, packing up a suitcase groaning with food. He stormed out the door, running as fast as he could. What he didn't realize was that he'd exited through a balcony door, and he ran so fast into the railing that it collapsed and he fell four stories down.

"Abraham Reynolds Eggman, you get back here!" his mother shouted, but her son took no notice and went away, not looking back.

End flashback…

"So, after that," Eggman narrated to no one, "I ate all the food in 4 hours, causing my weight to increase drastically. Then I found the deed to a multibillion-dollar military empire lying in the gutter somewhere, and I had it all!"

"Your name is Abraham Reynolds Eggman?" Knuckles smirked. "Hoo hoo hoo!"

"What kind of stupid laugh is that?" Metal Sonic asked, but too late he realized that Knuckles' laugh had been intentionally stupid in order to distract him. Sonic and Shadow's plan went into motion.

Sonic hurled the sword at Metal Sonic. The robot easily jumped over it. But suddenly Shadow shot his bullets at the sword. His bullets somehow wove themselves into fine-quality chains, wrapping around the sword and pulling it back. Metal Sonic landed, and the sword-whip slashed him multiple times. The robot was sent flying backward into an inflatable castle.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" howled Eggman, flabbergasted at the massive scale of the coincidences and implausibility that had arisen before his very eyes. "This is… preposterous! Well…" He mustered up all his breath, swelling before their eyes. "You think you've won, but I've got something for you- your mother was a ham sandwich!"

Eggman jumped into his escape pod thingy, which was somehow floating next to him, and flew off.

"That was a pitiful your mom joke," Sonic said.

"Joke?" Shadow said blankly. "I never could distinguish her from that myself… wet meat right in the middle of two guys… er, pieces of bread…"

The sound from the explosion that resulted over Sonic's head from that comment still lingers in some people's ears.

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The "mother as a ham sandwich" plot line will not be continued after this, in case that's not clear. Next chapter will feature something far more horrific… Knuckles cooking. Actually, it's just the build-up to Knuckles cooking, but then the chapter after that will feature the real ordeal.

So, here's a pretty fun game I learned.

How many elephants do I have?

6.

How many now?

3.

So, what number of elephants?

5.

How many?

2.

Come on, how many elephants are in my possession?

9.

But how about now?

4.

And… now?

2.

Who thinks they know the secret? (Tucker's Mayflower, don't say anything.) There _is _a pattern, I'm not just making up random numbers.


	60. Someone To Lean On

Sonic Insanity

THE EGGMAN NAMING SCANDAL: I realize that Eggman's name has been specified by official sources, and that I already provided an explanation as to Eggman's name. But I thought it would have been funny, so forget it. Plus, this story IS inconsistent(ly funny, if you were to believe uhyeahitsteamdark) so don't worry.

To the line of asterisk, or D.G.O- I may use that joke, but I don't have a laser tag scene planned and it's not that great of a joke, so probably not.

Before our chapter, I'd like to present, first, a scenario involving several friends and myself.

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Mecha Scorpion and his two friends were sitting around, bored out of their skulls. It was a beautiful day outside, the friend's mom hadn't yet ordered them not to play any more video games, and she was willing to drive them anywhere. So why were they sitting in the house, bored out of their minds?

"Why don't we go to the movies?" one of the friends inquired after a long silence. "I heard _Pirates of the Caribbean: Johnny Depp's Marketability vs. Computer Animated Squids _is pretty good…"

"We can't go, I'm German," Mecha Scorpion sulked, putting his feet up on a stack of DVDs.

"Oh yeah…" The friends relapsed into silence. "Well, how about we watch one of these DVDs? I just got the latest Oscar-sweeping drama from Adam Sandler…"

"What are you talking about? I'm German, we can't do that," Mecha said despondently.

"Why don't you just go home if you can't do anything over here?" the other friend asked.

"I can't, I'm German," Mecha told him, shifting restlessly. "I'm just a dirty German who'll never amount to anything! God, I hate how I'm such a filthy, low-down German…"

"Why don't you guys go to the pool?" the mom said, walking by. "Oh, cause you're just a German, right, Mecha?"

Instantly both friends were trying to hold Mecha Scorpion back as he tried to lunge at the terrified mother.

"You take those German insults back!" he shrieked. "I won't stand for such racism!"

"You just insulted yourself far worse a minute ago!" the mother said, frightened.

"LIES! Treasonous, right wing propaganda! I won't stand for this prejudice and bigotry that is so rampant in America's system today!" Mecha Scorpion ranted, foaming at the German mouth. "They hate us all! They hate every last one of us! They just can't let that Hitler thing go… well, us Germans don't like him any better than you do! Would you like us to call you all Ku Klux Klan based on the actions of a few?"

"MECHA! Calm _down!" _hissed his friends, forcing him onto the couch with strength that would have dwarfed that of the world's strongest weight lifter. Seething, Mecha Scorpion flopped onto the couch, cracking his knuckles just by glaring at them.

"Well, here's something you can do despite your… er… Germanic heritage," one of the friends said, choosing his words carefully under the daring, furious gaze of the young author.

"_What?"_

"You could write your story!"

The change in the young German was extraordinary. He began to smile widely, and chuckle as the seed of madness took root in his mind. At a gesture, an obedient housekeeper trudged to a massive organ in the corner of the room and began to play ominous music. Mecha Scorpion began to rub his hands together, whispering and cackling, and flipped the light switch back and forth in a poor attempt at dramatic lighting. A light began to shine fiercely in his eyes…

"OUCH!" snarled Mecha Scorpion as the huge floodlights hit him in the eyes. Sunspots erupted in his vision and he rolled painfully on the floor, trying to regain his seared vision. The housekeeper stopped playing organ and walked away. His friends smirked as Mecha Scorpion pulled his disgruntled self into a chair, but ceased as soon as he looked at them.

"Ack… cursed 10,000 watt capacity," he grumbled, sitting upright and tapping at the computer. "Well, this'll show them… show them good… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-" His uncontrollable laughing stopped when he kicked the desk by mistake, causing everything on top of it to be jolted. A box of Cheese-Flavored Artichoke Hearts (everyone's favorite snack food) toppled all over him, blanketing him in a deluge of vegetable/dairy products. Furious, he began to type…

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Knuckles turned on the radio, but after his experiences with it in the Censorship chapter he didn't have much hope.

"102.9 is bringing you the hippest rap in Mobius for Popping Beats at 11, yo!" an old woman's voice rang clearly. "I'm Clara Jehosephitts, and my grandchildren listen to all the chill, ill rap beats! Like Mobb Deep and Chamillionaire… there are two DJs who really know how to par-tay!"

Disgusted, Sonic barged in and switched it to the rock station.

"Hide your women, children and womdren… women combined with children, like female kids… yeah… um… cause it's H-Man and the request drive at 3:00!" the radio blared, although the rap program had said just seconds before that it was 11. "Only on 98.2!"

"_Womdren?" _spat Knuckles, fire in his eyes (99 metaphorically, 1 because of a misplaced blowtorch).

"Shut up and listen," Sonic said, spraying a fire extinguisher in Knuckles' face.

"Hey, kiddos," a smooth voice chuckled, "get ready for a giddy time on the hardest rock station in… um… within 20 feet of you!"

"But their station is 3 miles across town," pointed out Knuckles.

"Shut up, Knuckles," H-Man said over the radio, as if he could have feasibly heard Knuckles' comment. "Anyway, we're playing the hardest rock for inches around! Now we have our first request… meaning the number one request… the very first one… um… yeah, we don't have one yet, can someone please call us?"

Ten minutes later, two people finally called.

"Hey, I was wondering if you could play _Photograph _by Nickelback," the first one asked.

"_Nickelback?" _bellowed Sonic. "They're not hard rock in the least!"

"Nickelback?" H-Man repeated incredulously. "Sorry, man…"

"Yeah, you tell him!" Knuckles barked.

"…But we don't play THAT heavy metal! Next thing you know, we'll be some sort of death metal station that plays Maroon 5 and The Fray! Preposterous!" H-Man hung up on that guy, while both furries convulsed with apoplexy. "Next caller, please?"

A creepy voice came on. "I understand you play the hardest rock around?"

"Yes…"

"Cause I rock the hardest plays around!" the voice said jubilantly.

Beat…

"Er… and… what exactly do you mean by that?" H-Man giggled uneasily.

"Well, it all started in the Great Baboon Famine of 34," began Mr. Creepy Dude, but Sonic had switched off the radio before the weirdness could escalate. Seeing as the story IS called Sonic Insanity, it was unclear what he was expecting, but…

"Hey, guys!" Tails said excitedly, zipping into the room. "Guess whose birthday it is tomorrow?"

"Um…" Sonic feverishly racked his brains. "Whose?"

There was a moment's silence.

"OK, Sonic, you don't have to pretend you don't know it's my B-day, that's what you do with little kids," Tails sighed.

"WHAT? It's YOUR birthday? But… oh… oh, I see! You were… um… eh… I guess we'd better plan a celebration then," Sonic muttered as Tails stalked furiously out of the room.

"Since when do we ever get older? I've been, like, 14 for as long as I can remember," Knuckles mused. "Or is it 16?"

"Enough about tutu sizes for the ballet!" Sonic ordered, inducing hilarity in absolutely nobody reading this story. "We'll have to have Shadow get him a present from all of us. You call him, you'll have better luck than I." Sonic tossed a cell phone to Knuckles, who caught it with a pair of chopsticks out of midair and started dialing with his toes…. No reason, why?

Anyway, Shadow picked up the phone. "Thanks for calling the Ultimate Lifeform, who is this?"

Knuckles adapted a suitably Eggman-esque voice and began. "Greetings, Shadow… I've got all your little friends locked up here at my base. Here are the terms for their release!"

"What do you want, Knuckles?" sighed Shadow resignedly.

Knuckles growled incoherently for fully sixty seconds before talking. "I need you to buy a present for Tails' birthday, cause we forgot about it."

"Um… Knuckles, man, I've got it on speaker and Tails is right here with me…"

"OH CRAP," gasped Knuckles.

"Nah, just kidding," Shadow laughed as Knuckles began to sputter vociferously. "So, a present from you, me and Painus Rectum Majorus…"

"HEY!" shouted Sonic.

"Yeah," Knuckles confirmed. "Get him… er… how about you get him a gift certificate for, like, Best Buy or something."

"How much should it be for, 60 dollars?" Shadow asked, doing the math quickly.

"Nah, how about 50, we can divide the cost by three much more easily," Knuckles said.

"Um… wouldn't it be easier with 60?" Shadow asked.

Knuckles thought about it for a moment, sang the last stanza of the Micronesian national anthem, then hung up. "Well, if we're going to get him such a cheap gift, then we'll have to make him something else…"

"Like what?" Sonic asked.

"Like a birthday dinner, which I will cook!" Knuckles smiled happily.

Outside, birds stopped mid-chirp. The earth halted in its spinning, causing nighttime in Tokyo to unexpectedly last 5 minutes longer than usual. Rabid pit bull terriers and genetically altered packs of wolves fled in terror. The strongest of men wept where they stood. All went silent.

"Um… I'm not sure if that's such a good idea, Knuckles," Sonic said nervously.

"Shut _up!" _shrieked Knuckles, banging his fist on the counter. "That fruit salad in the oven thing was a one-time deal only! And that was really Tails' problem more than mine!"

Flashback…

(AN: This flashback is an actual scene from the first chapter of the first incarnation of Sonic Insanity. It has been translated out of script format.)

"I think I'll make… fruit salad," said Tails, chopping up fruit salad. "Good! Now let's cook it for 45 minutes!" He inserted the fruit salad into the oven, where it began to blacken immediately. Sonic and Shadow shook their heads in joint disgust.

"Hmmmmm, I bet the fruit is lonely. Maybe it needs some company," Knuckles mused. He climbed into the oven with the fruit salad, shutting the door behind him.

"Knuckles, you idiot," Shadow exclaimed, "it's…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Knuckles shrieked inside the oven.

"Sonic, get him out," Shadow instructed his blue look-a-like.

"You ruin everything," groused Sonic, releasing the echidna.

"Well, the guy was in an oven," pointed out Tails.

"Well, he would have made a nice table ornament," Sonic replied wistfully, as Knuckles scrubbed ashes from his fur. "It would have been a great conversation piece."

"Sonic, you're demented," Shadow told him firmly.

End flashback…

"But your cooking skills haven't improved in the slightest since then!" Sonic argued.

"SHUT UP! I trained under the Tai Shi Ba cooking master, Bum Hudson!" Knuckles shouted. "For 7 years I was taught by him on his mountain… now, when it comes to cooking, I've got no… COMPETITION!" In a Strong Bad-esque manner he jumped into the air, hovered for a moment while he flailed his arms and legs, then dropped back down.

Flashback…

Knuckles, apparently choosing to ignore the massive bags of mountain climbing gear littering his path, finally reached the top of the mountain. "I've finally done it! I've reached the home of Master Bum Hudson!"

The small area consisted of a small dojo, or training building, a sleeping quarters building, and Bum Hudson's house. Out of this last building stumbled the oddest pair of creatures Knuckles had ever seen. A lean, grizzled echidna with an eyepatch was obviously Bum Hudson, as all training instructors are clearly lean, grizzled and bearing some physical infirmity. The other creature, however, had a less certain purpose. Bum Hudson was propping himself up on a large, upside-down hippopotamus like a crutch. The beast was caterwauling and yowling like a bungee-jumping cat. It was lying on its back on top of a skateboard, moving it smoothly along as its' leaner-on stepped toward Knuckles.

"Why… what… how… HUH?" stammered Knuckles, gesticulating anxiously at the hippo.

"Well, we all need someone we can lean on," Bum Hudson shrugged unworriedly. "Just to make sense of the world, you know…"

"Yeah, that means EMOTIONALLY, not PHYSICALLY! You don't just… why, of all…" Knuckles was wrathfully trying to figure out what circumstances would drive a man to physically support himself using an inverted hippo. Unable to come up with them, he fainted dead away.

7 Years Later…

"You have come close to graduating from the Academy," Bum Hudson told Knuckles confidently. The young apprentice sat cross-legged in a karate robe, or _gi. _"Show me what you have learned."

Knuckles, his tongue between his teeth, blindfolded himself and reached for a box of Kool-Aid mix. His hands shaking with nerves, he removed the seal and poured it into a jug. He then poured water into the jug and stirred it.

"Very, very impressive," murmured Bum Hudson. "Now, prepare the rest."

This was the crucial moment. This was it. Knuckles pulled out a jar of cookies, placed them in the microwave, and pushed the ADD ONE MINUTE button. That minute was spent in anguished silence. Sweat poured down Knuckles' face as he glared at his blindfold, every second lasting what seemed like hours. When it was over, Knuckles removed the cookies from the microwave and put them on a plate. He handed the plate to the Sensei.

"Amazing," declared Bum Hudson. "I've never seen a student who could learn how to microwave cookies and make Kool-Aid from a mix in under 13 years of hard work. But you? A mere 7! I'm sure you could master making Kraft macaroni and cheese in under 30 years if you put your mind to it…" As he talked, Bum Hudson drank some Kool-Aid and ate a cookie. He immediately spat them out in disgust.

"DREADFUL!" he bellowed. "I've never seen a worse student! Out! _Out!"_

End flashback…

"So you spent 7 years learning to cook ONE THING, you fail miserably at it, and you claim to have no cooking competition!"

"Well… there is that one professional chef, who's number one in the business… but in that case, I'm his ONLY competition!" Knuckles defended.

"What number are you in the business?"

"6,498,992,894," Knuckles admitted painfully.

"That's out of a 6 and a half billon population?" Sonic smirked. "And you're his only competition? What about the people between you and him? Did they all move to Sudan or something?"

"SHUT UP!" howled Knuckles, grinding his teeth. "I'm cooking and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"Or what?" Sonic smirked.

"Or the echidna elders will put a curse on you… one MUCH WORSE than the pie curse!" Knuckles grinned.

Sonic gulped. It would be a long day.

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	61. A Bad Cook and Hot Topic

Sonic Insanity

I have reached, on average, 11 reviews per chapter (mostly thanks to the guy, I forget his name, who reviewed the first 20 chapters of my story individually).

I've already done the Twinkle Park scene, Clan rHrN, and no, you cannot be in the story any more. Do I know you or something? You don't have special privileges even if you do write your own version of my story…

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Sonic was frantic. He had to stop Knuckles from cooking. He immediately puffed out his chest and spoke authoritatively. "Well, before you get the privilege to cook with my cooking… materials… yeah, you must first pass three tests!"

"No," Knuckles said flatly, retrieving eggs from the fridge.

"The first one is to punch a porcupine to death with your bare fists!" Sonic said.

"No," Knuckles said, irritation creeping into his voice.

"The second one," Sonic said, completely oblivious, "is to dance the tango with a giraffe on roller blades… in near-zero gravity!"

"_No," _Knuckles growled in rage.

"The final challenge is to name the capital of Gunderschtankenhagensvenstanskibardendorfmunnelpetrovich," Sonic smirked smugly, certain no one would ever guess it.

"It's Portugaenivånitekchenstanni, and NO!" shouted Knuckles, getting Windex from the pantry. Sonic's jaw dropped and shattered on the floor. Without batting an eye, the hedgehog jammed a replacement jaw back into his head.

Sonic was scheming furiously. He couldn't coerce Knuckles into ending this nonsense. With the Windex, things could only get worse. Allowing a soothing note to enter his voice, Sonic said, "Um, Knuckles, maybe you should wash your hands first… maybe even take a shower…" He chuckled quietly. While Knuckles was off in the bathroom, he could dispose of every ingredient in the house.

But Knuckles was not listening. He was taking a long pull at the bottle of Windex. Ceasing his swigging, he laid the Windex down and said, in an extremely slurred and distorted voice, "I shay, Shonic, thish bwandy ish reawwy smashing, owd boy."

"That's WINDEX!" cried Sonic in distress, tugging the cleaning fluid from Knuckles' slack grip. To his horror, it was only half full, when previously it had been all the way full. Then he noticed that the liquid inside was a deep amber. Confused, Sonic cautiously sampled some. It _was _brandy! Fascinated, Sonic raised it to his lips, but then he realized that no one would be sober enough to stop Knuckles.

Inwardly weeping at the waste, Sonic tossed the "Windex" into the garbage and repeated himself slowly. "Knuckles… maybe you should go take a shower. If you're going to cook, at least don't be all dirty."

"Good idea, Shonic," Knuckles slurred, stumbling off to the restroom. Quickly, Sonic gathered up all the cooking supplies. Flour, sugar, yeast, eggs, tapioca, baking soda and cake mix were all gathered up and hidden on top of the chandelier. It was then that Sonic realized that the bathroom was upstairs, and the kitchen was downstairs. So, Knuckles would have a very good chance, when coming down the stairs, of seeing the cooking goods on top of the chandelier. Sonic stopped caring and decided to bask in his own ingeniousness, hoping that if he _thought _he was a genius, then his plan would work. But then the chandelier fell to the ground and was demolished under the weight of the cooking supplies, so he had to move them.

Sonic spotted a white cabinet. As he could hear Knuckles coming down the stairs, it would have to do. Frantically he jammed everything into it, and nervously kicked anything else out of sight and/or reach.

"Hey, where'd all the cooking stuff go?" Knuckles asked, looking quite sober, somehow. He opened the refrigerator and with numb dread, Sonic realized that the "white cabinet" he had stuffed everything in _was _the refrigerator. Knuckles was swamped in a deluge of kitchen supplies.

"So, there they are," Sonic said nervously, trying not to scream. "Well, what recipe are you going to use?"

"I got it by e-mail," Knuckles said brightly, pulling the scrap of paper out of his "pockets." Yes, somehow he had one piece of paper in two separate pockets at once. He pulled out the recipe and read it grandly. "Daisy Donahue's Oatmeal Crumplebiscuits! Sound good, huh?"

"_Crumplebiscuits," _snorted Sonic, trying to imbue his voice with as much loathing and hatred and disgust and detesting and despising and stuff as he could.

"Exactly," chortled Knuckles, setting down the recipe. Quick as a flash, Sonic stuffed it inside of an egg without breaking the shell. Knuckles looked at him.

"Where's the recipe?" he asked coldly.

"Um… didn't you just have it, Knuckles?" Sonic asked almost innocently.

"TELL ME WHERE IT IS, SONIC!" screamed Knuckles, slamming his fist upon a carton of eggs. Needless to say, the shell broke and Knuckles discovered his recipe. Using some sort of echidna power, he cleaned egg yolk and shell from the recipe so it was perfectly legible. Sonic was speechless. Then he found his carefully typed-up speech. Just kidding.

"Um… I've gotta make a call," he muttered, stepping out of the kitchen. Sonic tapped at his cell phone and contacted Shadow.

"I already got the gift certificate, so don't bug me about it," Shadow announced.

"It's not about that," Sonic whispered. "We have a… 3-1-1-2-4 situation here…"

Shadow choked on something. "WHAT? Oh great, now's a fine time… so what do we do?"

"We've got to contact the echidna elders," Sonic ordered. "They could threaten him with a curse!"

"So why do you need me?" Shadow wondered.

"We'll outnumber them!" Sonic grinned.

"Aren't there seven or eight echidna elders?" Shadow asked.

But just before Sonic could rethink his strategy, both of them were summoned into the mystical realm of the echidna elders.

"Did you do that?" Shadow muttered.

"No…" Sonic looked around. It was full of a lucid light, like sunlight reflected through water. Suddenly an echidna's head appeared before them.

"Speak," it rumbled.

"Master, your son, Knuckles, is cooking," Sonic cried devoutly. "We have to stop him!"

"Hmmm… true… but we must act quickly," the echidna elder mused. "Not even I can match the destructive forces of Knuckles' cooking, so we have to make a plan before he actually finishes anything."

"Good, let's go," said Sonic.

"WE NEED TO MAKE A PLAN FIRST!" screamed Shadow.

As the unlikely group of three began to plan, Knuckles was waiting for his Crumplebiscuits to come out of the oven. He was watching a… shall we say, _interesting _channel. And by interesting, we mean "not the Golf Channel, but the Playboy Channel."

"Two double-X chromosomes + one X-tra-large bed triple-X-fun!" Knuckles cackled wickedly as the two ladies tried to explain to their furious husbands just what had been going on. "Oh great, commercials." With nothing better to do, he sat and watched the preview for John Tucker Must Die, an abhorrent movie that clearly has no place in any movie theater.

"Uproarious!" he mocked in a high-pitched voice, not unlike the one Shadow had used in the Greatest Hits chapter. "A girl misinterprets the phrase 'girls on top' to have sexual connotations! And guys wearing uncomfortable underwear! Will the hilarity never cease?" He angrily hurled the 13' TV he was watching this on into the oven. Unfortunately, it shattered all over the crumplebiscuits, mutating and transforming the pastries into…

Ruined pastries. Yeah, what did you think?

"Well, we could just sing campfire songs," Sonic proposed as a plan. They were all sitting together, unaware that Knuckles' attempts to cook had failed.

"THAT'S THE EIGHTH TIME!" Shadow bellowed. "_Time to die!" _He charged right at Sonic, foaming at the mouth.

"Heh, now time for some quality entertainment as Cheese and Chocola are attacked by a raving lunatic!" Sonic chuckled.

"If by 'Cheese and Chocola' you mean you," the echidna elder pointed out.

Sonic's eyes widened, and then Shadow slammed into him so hard that they flew out of the magic realm. The echidna elder decided to check on Knuckles. He was trying to resurrect his crumplebiscuits without success.

Knuckles' eyes widened as the echidna elder's head appeared, floating in midair.

"Knuckles," he boomed, "if you don't stop trying to cook… I'll give you the Gothic Curse!"

"What's that?" Knuckles asked curiously.

"You don't want to know!"

"Fine! I'll keep cooking then," Knuckles sniffed.

"All right then… one Gothic Curse coming up, for everyone in the story!" The echidna elder fired a beam of magic, and everything began to change…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sonic and Shadow slowly got up. Sonic was wearing eyeliner, his quills were dyed black with purple highlights, he was wearing leather, and he wore fingerless gloves. Shadow was wearing a Marilyn Manson T-shirt with combat boots, ripped black jeans, and he was holding an iPod that was blasting Good Charlotte.

"OMFG wut's gonig on!" Sonic sputtered indignantly. "Were liek teh gottic!"

"I downt lik Gud Chrlote!" wailed Shadow, hurling his iPod away from him. "Sumbdy hlp mmmme!"

"us!" insisted Sonic, trying to choke Shadow with the iPod cord. They began a vicious battle.

"Gyus! Clm dwn, WTF s gong on?" Knuckles growled, leaping into the fray. He was wearing many pentagrams and crucifixes on necklaces and his lips were painted black.

"STOP IT!" shouted a very un-gothic voice. They all looked up to see…

"Tals," Sonic muttered, looking up at his fox friend, "yur a… prep?"

"I am NOT!" shouted Tails. "I just wasn't affected by that Gothic Curse that the echidna elder hit us with, thanks to my latest invention!"

"Snds prepy too meh," Shadow declared darkly, pulling out a bloodstained knife.

"STP it lki OMG!" Sonic snarled at his black counterpart. "did yu say teh ekinda eldrs r 2 blame 4 dis?"

"Yeah!" Tails insisted. "When Knuckles didn't stop cooking, they hit all of you with a Gothic Curse! Except for me, everyone in the story will be listening to My Chemical Romance and shopping at Hot Topic!"

"Tose dstarldy feindz!" Sonic shouted wrathfully, while Shadow and Tails glared daggers at a sheepish Knuckles. "How doo we kyur evry1?"

"Not easily, but we have to work fast," Tails scowled. "The longer the curse goes on for… they'll naturally reject the cure! They'll be gothic forever!"

"So wut do weh do?" Knuckles asked, thinking fast.

"One of my inventions saved me from the transformation," Tails pondered. "With some modification, we can transform it into a gun or something that, when people are shot with it, turns them back from being gothic! But as I said, we'll have to move fast…"

At Eggman's base…

Metal Sonic choked miserably in front of the mirror. "I cnat stnd it anymor!" he shrieked, raising the scalpel to his wrist. "Dis is mah frm of rlease!" He drew the scalpel sharply across his skin, but as he had no blood, he did not succeed.

"Wy duz my skin haff 2 B mettl?" he cried pitiably.

"Like, STFU, I cant heer teh Evinezzenz musc viedo! " Eggman shouted from the other room.

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So, that was a rapid change of events… from cooking to gothic! After the next chapter things may move more slowly. I know I've sort of bounced between storylines for a while now (orphanage, tank theft, ham sandwich plot, cooking, gothic) so after chapter 62, it'll be a little slower-paced. Review!


	62. Linkin Park Really Deserves Better

Sonic Insanity

OK, guys, here's the deal. I am updating early because I'll be on vacation, and the day I would normally update falls during vacation time. I will only miss one update time. I should be back on the 11th. Now, here are some Webster's Dictionary definitions for gothic and its subsets.

Goth, n. 2. **a barbarian, an uncouth, uncivilized person.**

Gothic, a. 3. (a) medieval, (b) not classical, (c) **barbarous, uncivilized.**

Gothicism, n. 1. **rudeness of manners, barbarity. **

Just as I suspected- goths are uncivilized, rude-manner, uncouth and most of all, barbaric. Nothing about dressing in black or Marilyn Manson in those definitions, is there, you little whiners.

To Tucker's Mayflower: I can add that to my achievements now: "have made a girl laugh hysterically while blatantly insulting her tastes in shopping and music."

To one Mr. Jack: I see you haven't forgotten our System of a Down song jokes… more on that later. Not really, but I'm tired of talking about it. Anyway, the writing style was exactly the same, except perhaps the chat speak. That is not what Portugaenivånitekchenstanni means! It means "If You Cross Your Ts and Win Spelling Bees, You May Gargle Your Peas However You Please." And don't you forget it! I don't know if "I is" has the grammatically incorrect power of "You was," but never mind. And Furiousity is not a word!

In case no one has guessed, "Mr. Jack" is a friend of mine. He also went by the name of Millions of Peaches, and Chimp Knob, whatever that's supposed to mean. He is totally insane and of course, an awesome person. He's writing his own Sonic humor story and I've been trying to convince him to put them up on Ah, well…

To uhyeahitsteamdark… OK, good thing we got that all cleared up.

After a ridiculously long intro, time for business!

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"Stand straight!" Tails ordered as he adjusted his machine. "If you don't, it may not have the right effect!"

"man, he's teh facssit orrding us arond liek tis!" Sonic groused to Knuckles as they straightened again. "Remnids meh off ma miltiray dayz…"

Flashback…

Sonic and his friend were coming back from military patrol. His friend, Mighty (so he must have been killed in the war… that's like, the third explanation for why Mighty isn't in Sonic Heroes that I've given…) was talking about the enemies he'd killed.

"So about twenty of them were all grouped together," Mighty went on casually, while Sonic fought for his life against twelve armed enemies, "and with my single bullet, I killed all of them at once!" A barrage of bullets flew at him, all of them missing but one. With a blink, Mighty caught it between his eyelashes.

"How'd you- AAAAARGH- kill all of them with one bullet?" snarled Sonic, throwing enemies off of him and coughing blood.

"Simple, I surrounded them," Mighty grinned.

"BUT YOU WERE ON SINGLE PATROL!" Sonic hollered. When no reply was forthcoming, he spat out broken teeth, hurled an enemy away from him and said, "Keep going."

"So, after I surrounded them," Mighty smiled, "I ordered them to line up in a straight line! Then I fired the bullet and it passed through everyone of them." A huge missile was fired right at him. Several dead soldiers miraculously came back to life and jumped in the way of the missile, dying once again. Mighty brushed rubble and skin off his face.

"How'd you –MY PANCREAS! - threaten them into doing that?"

"I threatened to shoot all of them!"

"But if you only had one bullet," growled Sonic, finally breaking free of the enemy soldiers, "how would you have shot all of them?"

"Um…"

"TEN-HUT!" roared a drill sergeant, a pair of wings sprouting from his forehead and disappearing just as quickly. "After you've lined those tangos up against that wall, I want four hundred blindfolded pushups from each of you!"

"Well, I never! He wants us to do pushups… what a tweest!" Sonic muttered cruelly.

The drill sergeant gnashed his teeth. "Stop laughing! I've got a rough job!"

"It looks like it's time for _someone's _N-A-P-P-Y!" Sonic announced loudly.

"I'll get you someday for your insults!" the drill sergeant cried, shaking his fist. (AN: Imagine one of your schoolteachers shaking a fist at once of their students… that would be awesomely funny.)

The image of their teachers doing such a thing (even though they couldn't really see what the author's note said) only made everyone laugh more… the flashback ended.

"so, t wuz prity mcuh teh wrst ting dat evr hapnd 2 me," Sonic confessed.

"Sonic," Tails snarled, "I am not even ordering you around that much. Third of all, why did you even have that flashback? Your drill sergeant was there for like three seconds. It was mostly you and Mighty making up explanations to prior events and ripping off Charlie Chaplin."

"oh STFU, yu stewpid prep," Sonic said bitterly. Shadow, tired of not having any lines, picked up a toolbox and hurled it at Sonic. The blue hedgehog immediately began to cry and write in his diary about how Satan was his friend.

"plz x-plane 2 mee how tis happned," Omochao said, with little devil horns and eyebrows piercing.

"Shut up, Omochao, everyone hates you," growled Tails. For some reason he decided to explain anyway. "Well, basically Knuckles was cooking a meal and the echidna elders told him to stop. But he didn't, so they made everyone a gothic except me."

"so, liek, Eggman iz beehind all dis!" Omochao shouted.

"NO!" Tails shouted. "It's all Knuckles' fault! Weren't you listening?"

"OMG pres A 2 jummp!" Omochao cackled in his eerie singsong voice. "o wate, yur nott Sonik…" He flew over to Sonic, but the blue hedgehog hurled his emo diary at the little loser, killing him instantly.

"BLUDD! BLUDD! KIL KIL!" Shadow chanted ravenously. Apparently he was one of those vampire goths. Knuckles smacked him in the face with a loaf of garlic bread and the black hedgehog was reduced to a quivering mass of furry jelly

"It's ready!" Tails snarled. "Now, stand in line…"

But before they could, something crashed through the wall, showering rubble and Comic-Con posters (nerd-boy Tails) all over everything. Tails yelped as he enveloped his machine in a life jacket, as if this would save it from several tons of choking gravel and dust. Fortunately it was not ruined.

"WUT WUZ DAT TING?" shouted Sonic wrathfully, getting up. Out of the tour bus (for that was what had just burst through the walls) came a hated figure, one who they had fought many times… accompanied by Doctor Eggman!

"Wait, so who's the other guy?" Tails inquired.

"mettle Sonic or sumfing," muttered Knuckles. Eggman scowled, grabbing the machine away from Tails and shooting himself with it. He also shot Metal Sonic and the two robots that were accompanying him.

"AH! Much better!" said Eggman, smacking his lips with relish. He winced, his lips hurting… he had literally "smacked" them, as in "with his fists." "Well, aside from that minor setback… COMPLETE SUCCESS ON ALL LEVELS! My latest and greatest invention, using advanced technology well beyond our current civilization, will eclipse anything that the military could hit me with!"

"If by "advanced technology well beyond our current civilization," you mean, "gum stuck to the underside of a train seat,"" sneered Tails.

"yah yu stoopid prepz!" Knuckles shouted.

Eggman angrily pressed the shockwave button, removing the gothic-speech-limitation from everybody. "I'm tired of all that annoying talk! Allow me to introduce… THE EGG BAND!"

"How come he could just shoot us if we weren't standing up straight like Tails wanted?" Shadow wondered. He and Knuckles glared angrily at the fox boy.

Sonic would have screamed passionately, but he was getting used to speaking normally so it came out as a disconnected mixture of yak-like screeches and love letters to Gerard Way. If you don't know who he is, I envy you.

"Prepare Goth Song # 1!" Eggman hollered to his band. Apparently the goth-ness had not yet totally worn out. Either that or they'd learned all their songs during their goth period. They quickly suited up in all the latest product placements, chuckling as they stood in front of the microphones.

"Wait… where are your instruments?" Sonic asked with a dreadful feeling of doom. Eggman grinned wickedly and he thought he would feel sick. Everyone, even the robots, was looking a bit queasy.

"We're one of those, how do you say, 'make instrument noises with our mouths' type-bands," Eggman smirked. "Robot Number 1 over there is our bass player. Robot Number 2 is drums and DJ. Metal Sonic is chief singer and guitarist. And I," he announced importantly, puffing out his ample stomach, "am rapper-in-charge!"

"You'll never get away with this, Eggman!" screamed Knuckles furiously. "No one likes your band enough!"

"No one likes me! _Well, _I wouldn't find that exactly true, per se," Eggman grinned, causing Knuckles to go into contortions of rage. "I'm the center of attention in any and all situations! And, I've got it all! Everyone would like me! I'm rich and famous. I got the iced-out James Bond Aston Martin. I got the bling and the jewelry. I got looks and charm. And I got Rouge to be my sweetie! I see you ain't got a girl!"

To say that Knuckles was angry would have been an understatement along the same lines as labeling every body of water on earth "a trifling amount of liquid." He was gnashing his teeth so hard that they were flying out of his mouth and ricocheting around the room. "Rouge IS my girl! She ain't 'your sweetie!' You hear me! I'll shank you in the cerebellum if you ever say that again!"

"Well, I was just all up on her with those romantic love songs my band plays, and sure enough…" Eggman's rolls of fat jiggled as he roared with laughter.

"Why, Rouge?" Knuckles cried desolately. "Remember when we went fishing together… our first date? And when we caught the big one and it was flopping around on the dock… I realized that you were all I wanted!"

"Rouge was all I wanted when she was flopping around on the dock catching some big ones for me," Eggman cackled in an irritating falsetto. Knuckles lunged at him, foaming at the mouth, but Shadow held him back.

"Now, time for the destructive power of my band to be unleashed!" smirked Eggman. "Allow me to present our first song "Caper Putt," off of our first album, "Thyroid Hear Ye!" My band is named Pinking Lark, by the way."

Sonic was slowly piecing it together. "Thyroid Hear Ye… Hybrid Theory… Pinking Lark… LINKIN PARK! Impersonators! Desecrators!" Shadow was now trying to restrain two very angry furries. With a push of a button by Eggman, a cage descended upon the furries, and the band began to play.

It was worse than ever could have been imagined. They were playing a modified version of the Linkin Park song "Papercut." The drum robot began to make obnoxious "pssshk" noises with his metallic lips. Then Metal Sonic came in with the guitar part.

"Weeeeeeeeeow, weeeeeeeeeeow, weeeeeeeeeeooooooooooow!" he chorused jubilantly, recording it and playing it in a loop. The bass thundered in, if by that you mean "the robot started humming in a low-pitched voice, going off-pitch and sometimes humming nursery tale melodies instead." And then the worst of it came in- Eggman started rapping.

Wreckage and rubble fell around their heads as he laid down his beats. "Why does it feel like night today, why can't I just be right today, feel like I'm gonna ignite today, obesity is all I got left, I don't know what made me fat first, but I know I was always fed, I was stuffed with food until if I ate one more thing, I'd be dead!" He paused for a breath and for applause that he did not receive, resuming and becoming very off time with his rapping.

"But everybody has a belt that just can't keep tied, and a gut that just has to be wide, and a triple-digit pant size, and people laugh every time they fall!"

"Cause fat guys are funny," whispered Metal Sonic malevolently, darkly.

"Say, don't doubt cause when it's time to sink or swim, the fat cells keeping me afloat are right underneath my skin," Eggman spat before the chorus came in.

"IT'S LIKE I'M PARANOID! Overlooking my fat, it's like a… what? I'm not singing this crappy fat song, I'm singing the real chorus!" Metal Sonic cried angrily, and he proceeded to sing the song correctly. Eggman glared daggers at him until he finished the last part: "BENEATH MY SKIN!"

"It's like there's a robot slave with me, points out all my mistakes to me, just cause I'm fat doesn't mean I'm wrong, he's just a stupid robo-dwarf, I don't know what kind of curse makes him insult me like he can, everybody acts but the fact of the matter is that he's just a dumb tin can," snarled Eggman, watching gleefully as Metal Sonic grew steadily more furious. The robots making the bass and drums were getting even worse, their battery running low.

"But everybody has a slave that laughs when they TRY!"

"Slave that can't help but criti-CIZE!"

"Slave that's there when you open your EYES!"

"Slave that smiles every time you're wrong!"

"And watches everything," Metal Sonic muttered, quickly hiding Eggman's baby book in his robotic armor.

"Say no doubt that when it's time to sink or swim, that cyber-freak is watching you, just because he's thin," sneered Eggman.

Metal Sonic sang the chorus faithfully, but they basically stopped singing at the end because Metal Sonic had started to narrate the baby book to the tune of the words. A huge fight followed, and all the furries quickly formed a plan while the robots were distracted. Shadow teleported everyone out (he almost left Sonic, but Tails was thumbing the RESTORE CONDITION button on his Goth-O-Matic device) and they quickly overtook the two robots. When they realized their rhythmic section was gone, Eggman and Metal quickly ran for the hills, shouting dire warnings to Sonic and the gang even as they pummeled each other.

"I'll never be able to appreciate Linkin Park again," Sonic muttered sadly, looking to the horizon.

"Good! Maybe you'll get into some good bands like Limp Bizkit instead!" Shadow said jovially. THE FOLLOWING SCENE IS CENSORED

"-and your mother, too!" finished Sonic as he beat Shadow into the ground.

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Review!


	63. Sour but Scandalous!

Sonic Insanity

Hi, I'm back from my break. OK, yuko6754, _how did you read the last chapter so fast? _I post it and then about 3 minutes later your review comes in! That's just ridiculous. You must have skimmed it or something. I notice that in your review, you didn't give any details about the plot…

The song in the last chapter was "Papercut" by Linkin Park. You can't download it legally, but you can find the lyrics by typing in the name of the song, "by," the artist, and then "lyrics."

Thanks to O-Crimson-Nightshade-O for all the reviews. And that leads me to…

730+ REVIEWS! Thank you everybody who contributed. Seriously, that's an insane number and I wish I could thank you all personally.

And that brings me to Abraham "Linkin Park," or "SOAD to Joy" (SOAD being System of a Down). Your reviews enraged me beyond any point of comprehension. Hopefully this story will as well.

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"What are you doing?" Sonic asked Knuckles, who was frantically dialing the phone.

"You know how Eggman said that he got Rouge to be his girl?" Knuckles sweated nervously, somehow managing to convey what he meant by sweating. "Well, I gotta call her and make sure."

"Oh! Snap! What you got to say to _that _one, fakir?" chimed in Shadow, making a rim-shot noise by clicking his tongue and clapping his hands. "Knuckles gave you a real BURN there! Hah haaaaa! Knuckles, my man, you still got it!" When Knuckles did not comply with his ridiculous attempts to initiate an elaborate "pimp" handshake, Shadow tried to do it by himself. Claps, snaps, slaps, punches, blocks, knocks, shakes, grips, grabs, pumps, punches, and twists were all administered before Shadow tried to spin around in a circle both ways at once and tripped over his own feet.

"OWWW! I'm all right… I'm all right," he panted. Sonic casually pressed a large button and Shadow fell through a trapdoor into the basement, shrieking hysterically all the way. He then played a somber death hymn on some fifty-four-stringed instrument, which echoed resonantly throughout the lands.

Tails ran in, panting. "Well, I finally changed everyone in the whole world from being a goth. It took me a while to find them all, though."

"That was horrible," Sonic shivered. He began to imitate Shadow's goth voice, albeit without all the horrible misspellings. "Satan is on my MySpace buddies list! I want the apocalypse as my ring tone! I hate commercial culture, now who wants to go to Hot Topic!" He shuddered again. "Ah, the hypocrisy…"

Meanwhile, Knuckles dialed the phone with the greatest of ease (and effs, and gees, and aitches, get it?). "Hello, Rouge?"

"Oh! Hi, Knux!" she cooed warmly. "What brings you to this neck of the woods?" She attempted to use a throaty purr on the last few words. Shadow and Sonic, who were listening on the other line, almost screamed with laughter at the outdated phrase.

Knuckles turned purple. "You know, since I'm using the cordless phone, maybe you two shouldn't use the phone _in this room _if you don't want to get caught!" The two hedgehogs, who may have been high, chuckled heartily at this statement.

"Who was that, baby?" Rouge growled in what she believed to be a seductive tone. Shadow was clutching his ribs, while Sonic was banging his fists on the floor. Both were crippled with hysteria.

Knuckles began to kick them while they were down, trying not to sound too angry. "Oh, just- THWACK- Sonic and Shadow- SLAM- making fools of- WHAMMO- themselves again- AHWOOGA!"

"Why'd you call, darling?" questioned Rouge in a pronounced Southern accent. Sonic's mouth was open, but no noise was coming out, except periodic squeaks of astonishment. The same thing was happening with Shadow, except he was laughing so hard that he couldn't breathe.

Knuckles gave both hedgehogs the middle finger, although his glove obscured it. "Look, Rouge, I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm just… worried… about us, OK? I can understand if-"

"OMG, you're like, breaking up with me!" Rouge sniffed. "I clearly need to cut myself! The stupid gothic teenage female readers couldn't ever relate to a character who could view a relationship as anything but mortally serious! After all, three dates must mean a declaration of undying love…"

"We had some good times," Knuckles reminisced mournfully. "The Musical Chairs on cactuses was one of my favorite moments. And during the Memorial Couch Gallery gala we attended, I thought I could never tear my eyes off of you. You were so stunning in that lederhosen and aviator sunglasses… the night went by like magic! Why would you want to give up that love?"

"What? I thought you're breaking up with me!" Rouge accused. "I don't want to split up with you!"

Knuckles realized that Sonic and Shadow had been quiet for a very long time. He slowly turned his head, muttering "just a minute" to Rouge.

They weren't there.

He turned back to the phone line. "Rouge, doll, put it on speaker phone really quick."

"Why-"

"Quickly, don't make a lot of noise!"

Worried, she obeyed his advice. To Knuckles' horror, he could hear the voices of his two least favorite hedgehogs.

"Heh hee heh," giggled Shadow. "When she finds out what we did-"

"Shhh, or we won't get away with it!" Sonic rasped angrily.

"That watermelon-"

"And the biscuits-"

"Shut _up!"_

"Now for the piece duh resistance!" muttered Sonic quietly, mangling the French pronunciation. There was a loud spattering sound on the phone, followed by Rouge's roar of rage.

"A CREAM PIE, IN THE FACE OF KNUCKLES' GIRL!" screeched the duo triumphantly, exchanging a hand slap. Shadow went for a low-five. The blue hedgehog had expected a high-five however, and Shadow got hit in the face while Sonic got hit between the legs. They both fell over in pain.

"I'LL GET YOU, YOU LITTLE HOOLIGANS!" she roared, only provoking the hedgehogs to further hysterics. There was the sound of people being beaten with a broom, while Sonic and Shadow tried to reason with the woman.

"Only a joke, ma'am- OUCH!"

"No disrespect- MY FACE- intended, merely a prank-"

"I'll give you 'no disrespect!" Rouge bellowed like a wounded oxen.

"Just a flight of whimsy, a passing fancy as it- AAAAAAAGH- were-"

"All in good fun, my- SOB- good woman-"

"I'll give you 'as it were!" Rouge screamed hoarsely.

"Simply a jest, a jocular jibe, a joking jape-"

"MY LIPS! You almost twisted them off!"

"I'll give you 'my lips!" Rouge snarled, only realizing what she said once it was too late. Meanwhile, Knuckles was beside himself, stamping his feet like a bull. His face was mottled with wrath. How _dare _they? The nerve! With the ferocity of a wolverine, he dashed all the way to Rouge's house and burst in the door.

Shadow was trying to make out with Rouge, who had pie filling all over her face. Sonic was unsuccessfully trying to find an opening to hurl another cream pie. At the sight of the livid Knuckles, the two hedgehogs hid behind whatever they could find. Shadow swaddled himself in a tapestry and tried to be inconspicuous by blending in. Sonic sat down at a school desk and tried to be invisible by taking a geography test.

Knuckles, fuming, stormed by Rouge on his way to throttle the life out of Shadow. Just then a tripwire caught at his feet and he fell right into Rouge's… most padded area, sending them both falling onto a couch. Beet red, they pulled themselves off of each other, but Sonic took the opportunity to throw a pie, which slammed Knuckles in the face.

Enraged, Knuckles stamped over the blue hedgehog, and Shadow darted in to make out with Rouge. Sonic, overcome by jealousy, ran past Knuckles and hurled a pie at Shadow. He missed and it hit Rouge. Shadow snuck up behind Sonic, who was now battling Knuckles, and kicked his legs out from under him, stealing the pies. Knuckles, who had started a diving attack, missed and landed right on Rouge, his face in the middle of the splattered cream pie filling. As they disentangled themselves with fiery eyes, Shadow hurled the rest of the pies, hitting them in the face.

Everyone was now so mad at Shadow that the room was filling up with steam from ears. With a roar, they all lunged for him simultaneously, but Shadow got out of the way with Chaos Control, appearing back at the house. 

"Cheese!" he called randomly as he disappeared, a bright flash masking his vanishing act.

Knuckles started for Sonic, but the blue blur blew by. (Say that five times fast, why don't ya.)

"I guess I just don't understand the laydeez," Sonic scowled despondently as he departed. "Who would have thought they'd be so upset…"

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Rouge asked, after they'd cleaned up.

"Well, I'm just wondering if you've ever… thought about any other guys while you were with me," Knuckles squirmed.

"No… why do you ask?"

"Well, something Eggman said-"

THWACK!

"You thought I would go out with Eggman?"

"Well, you see-" BAM. "I-"

"Get out of here, Knuckles!" she shrieked, driving him out of the house. "Come back when you're ready to be mature!"

As he trudged homeward, Knuckles pined over his horrible day. He had been plastered with pie, Rouge was angry with him, and… well, actually that was it. But he had something to settle with those two vile hedgehogs! Seething, he stumbled in the door to see Sonic attacking Shadow.

The echidna shrugged and joined in with gusto, but the distraction allowed Shadow to retreat across the room.

"Why are you fighting?" asked Knuckles, temporarily forgetting his bloodlust.

"That- that faker- pictures, tabloids, media circus- Rouge and Knuckles and me and I'll rip him limb from limb- pictures, shame to my name- kill, tear, bite- he and his ! camera, I'll rip his face off- faker, kill firstborn- fresh meat!" spat Sonic incoherently, lunging at Shadow. The gleefully smirking Ultimate Lifeform teleported away, so that Sonic smashed into a wall.

"WHAT HAPPENED!" shouted Knuckles with great force, injecting 4 grams of big-game tranquilizers into Sonic's neck.

"Well, during your little pie excitement back there," Shadow explained in great detail, the corners of his lips several feet apart as he shook with mirth, "I took the liberty of taking several photos which I could sell to the press."

"I remember the _last _time you got us in the papers!" howled Knuckles, furiously punching a wall. "You said Sonic was a virgin, way back in the first chapter!" At the mention of this scandal, Sonic somehow overcome the lethal amount of tranquilizers and slammed Shadow in the face with the force of a wrecking ball. The black hedgehog flew partly through a wall, stuck. He wormed his way out, grumbling under his breath.

"Show me the paper!" commanded Knuckles wrathfully. Shadow dropped the newspaper, which had inexplicably been released ten seconds after they received the photos (and in the middle of the evening), and dashed off. Knuckles grabbed the paper and spluttered with abhorrent rage.

DEVIANT BEHAVIOR

AN INSIDER REPORTS THE FURRY ROMANCES

"**WHAT?" **shrieked Knuckles, plowing through the paper. There were several photos. One was of Knuckles falling onto Rouge's most padded area. Then there was a photo of Rouge absolutely covered in cream. Next, it showed Knuckles with cream all over his face and very close to Rouge. Finally, it showed Sonic, Knuckles and Rouge just before they all banged their heads. To Knuckles' horror, it looked as if they were all about to kiss each other.

"Read the article!" urged Sonic madly.

Knuckles did…

For a long time, Sonic, Knuckles and Rouge were some of our greatest heroes. Rouge assisted our government in covert operations. Knuckles guarded the most powerful gemstone on Earth. And Sonic received many trophies for doing nothing. But when they hit hard times, these three furries were forced to indulge in risqué behavior.

"They had no choice but to make out with each other and splatter each other with delicious cream," said Shadow the Hedgehog, whose identity will remain secret in the interest of anonymity… oh wait. "It was the only way for them to get by. Inflation, taxes, government spending, hippies and budgeting had all forced them to make money however they can. So they sold me the photos of their escapades, which I sold to the paper."

Was it all a money-grubbing cash plan? Have some of our favorite heroes resorted to such cheap trickery to garner a quick buck? Or do they just bear so much love for each other that…

Knuckles glared at the 'pie cream' photos. To his shock, it appeared as if Knuckles was trying to lick the cream off of Rouge. He threw the paper against the wall, where it left a large stain mark and shattered into many pieces (?).

"**SHADOW!"****** he howled feverishly to the skies.

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So what will they do now that Shadow has ruined their reputations? RSVP (review sil vous please).


	64. Furiosity Killed the Echidna

Sonic Insanity

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After multiple days of intensive shock therapy, mountains of prescription medication, and many anger management seminars, Knuckles was finally in a fit state to discuss the problem with Shadow.

"The problem," he spat, "is that you've embarrassed me beyond all belief! Disgraced my name! Sullied my reputation! Oh, and Sonic and Rouge got bummed out too."

"Oh, thanks," they snarled.

"All in good fun," reminded Shadow caustically, smiling.

"I was RUINED!" howled Knuckles. "It was more embarrassing than that one time when…" There was a flashback.

Knuckles stood on the stage, in front of an audience of thousands. He never thought he would live to see his dream come true. Well, actually, he didn't, but he never thought he would live to see this particular thing that sounded sort of nifty come true. To perform on Broadway… He quickly scanned the cue card, which was cleverly hidden behind a pane of glass, and recited his lines.

"So it must be, Monteroy," he declared somberly, drawing his fencing saber with a flourish. "You have spoken against me and mine, and now the day of reckoning has come. We must fence with swords, to end this bloody and terrible conflict that has raged between our families for so long!" He made an elegant gesture with his sword. All the theater critics were enraptured and tearful. Knuckles snuck a sidelong glance at the actor playing Monteroy.

"I accept your challenge, Lord Pendleton," vowed Monteroy wrathfully. "I will fight until the background scenery itself turns red with blood. My sword will sing for the rights of my family! You will oppress us no more!" Everyone ooh-ed.

Knuckles came in with the first strike, but Monteroy blocked it with lightning speed, scoring a thick gash on Knuckles' waist. It wasn't real, obviously, but… anyway, they battled back and forth. Toward the end, both were on the edge of death. With a vicious cry, Monteroy drove the sword into Knuckles' chest.

The music trailed off. Everyone gasped. Knuckles began to deliver his final speech.

"Forsooth, for I had not anticipated the day I might fall by a Monteroy sword," he cried woefully. "But as I lay dying, shamed eternally, something happened I could not have known…"

And the doors of the theater burst open. In dashed a beautiful woman, her dress trailing behind her. She ran onto the stage and enveloped Knuckles in a warm embrace. Everyone in the theater fell silent, breathlessly waiting for what would come next. And in the deep silence, Knuckles said one word…

"Mom?" he muttered.

"I forgot to give my boy his good-luck hug," she explained to the stupefied theatergoers. "This is just the dress rehearsal, right?"

And as everyone laughed twice as much as they had during the last three comedies of the season, Knuckles vowed that he would never forgive his mother.

End flashback…

"And that's how I started my travel agency," Knuckles groaned.

Shadow was furious at how irrelevant this was. "Cry me a river! I figured that you all deserved it. Knuckles, you lost the Master Emerald too many times. Sonic, all the games are named after you. And Rouge gets pregnant too much!"

"She's never been pregnant!" shrieked Knuckles and Rouge at the same time. Yes, Rouge, for whatever reason, referred to herself as "she."

"Shut up, preggers," Shadow spat in the direction of Rouge. "Yeah, she's been cheating on you, Knuckles, everyone from me to Eggman to Omochao to Sonic to Sally!"

"How could you do this to- wait, girls?" said Knuckles, interested despite his rage. She slapped him.

"I NEVER cheated on you! Your friend over there is just lying!" she sniped.

"Yeah, I was just hoping that you would argue amongst yourselves and forget I did anything," Shadow said sheepishly, flouncing around the room. Or is it sashayed? I can never remember.

"So, to clarify," Knuckles said, in order to clarify. "Rouge is not cheating on me?" He asked this to figure out if Rouge was cheating on him or not.

"No, I am not," Rouge told him angrily, trying to tell him that she had never cheated on him in response to his question.

"Oh, good," Knuckles said, relieved that she had told him that she wasn't cheating on him in response to his question. "Oh, and stop all this reiterating, author, it's annoying!" he said in order to tell the author that he… oh, fine.

"Shadow! Pay attention!" snapped Sonic. Shadow was crouched under a bed and was roasting marshmallows over a campfire he had built there. The mattress was sizzling ominously.

"Oh, sorry," he said, not appearing sorry at all. "But I'm deeply engaged in a high-stakes game of the sport of kings with my friend here and I don't want to forfeit. You see, he's a grandmaster!"

"What is the sport of kings?" inquired Sonic solicitously.

"Go-fish," Shadow said. "My friend here is a go-fish grandmaster and I can't lose!"

"Your _friend_," hissed Knuckles darkly, "is a two-week-old camel…"

"No, he's not!" Shadow snarled.

"Yeah, you tell him, Knucklehead!" cheered Rouge.

"…Compared to me at go-fish! I'm the world's grandmaster!" declared Knuckles extravagantly, brandishing his many trophies, which included the Ace of Spades 2005 Tournament and the Silver Doohickey Championship of 1983.

"Grandmasters are only at chess!" spat Sonic through clenched teeth. "You can't be the grandmaster of go-fish! Partly because there are many! It's like being a member of Congress as opposed to being the President of the U.S.A!"

"Born… in the USA!" sang Knuckles irritatingly.

Rouge hit him angrily, starting to sing herself. "We're kids in America!" she crooned. Knuckles hit her.

"Interesting how a man is supposed to be cute when a woman hits him, but when he hits her, it's domestic abuse," commented Shadow dryly.

"_Also," _rasped Sonic wrathfully, "grandmasters… er… well… um." A deep silence fell over everyone, and they all looked around for something to talk about.

"So how's the weather?" they all said at exactly the same time. "Your mom might know," they all replied in unison.

"What would you know about my mother?" all of them asked Shadow. He had not joined in because he didn't actually have a mother. Shadow, in response to this question, chuckled and coughed and flailed his extremities in a disconcerting manner. Sonic almost went into a psychotic coma at this, but they wrestled him to the ground. Shadow announced that he had wrestled Sonic's mother to the ground and was planning on doing so twice tonight, which made Sonic burst free with the strength of a thousand hat racks and two gerbils in order to beat Shadow's face in.

After evading the attack, Shadow chuckled that he was going to beat Sonic's dad's face in while wrestling Sonic's mother to the ground, or was that the other way around? Sonic nearly became diabetic in his rage, but any fighting was forestalled by Tails' arrival.

"Sonic Trotsky Daniels Elijah Hedgehog!" he declared angrily at the sight of all the fighting. "Shadow William Kirk Lorenzo Hedgehog! Knuckles Benson… er…" He was obviously losing momentum. "Er… Knuckles Benson Harley Fitzgerald Echidna! Rouge… sigh…"

"Go on," Sonic prompted.

"Rouge Matilda Henrietta Shanaynay Bat," he recited in a dull monotone. "How could you be so foolish bla blah bla. If you ever fight so on and so forth go straight to your rooms."

"Great insulting skills, Tails," sniped Shadow.

"Shadow," Tails went to great lengths to explain, "making a good insult is like a great sports play. You can't-"

"Oh, shut up, why don't you," snarled Shadow. "I've still got what it takes when it comes to the I to the Nizzo, S to the… um… Uizzo, L to the Tizzo… I-N-G!"

"Uizzo?" Knuckles grumbled skeptically.

"Shut up," Shadow sulked truculently.

As everyone was clearly very angry, Rouge approached the situation with Extreme Caution. And no, I don't mean that a person named Extreme Caution helped her. The bat took out a can of Extreme Caution, shook it up, and sprayed it over her surroundings in a useless manner.

"So, should we go to a restaurant today?" she asked.

"What?" Sonic asked.

"Should we go to a restaurant today?" she repeated.

"What restaurant?"

"Um… maybe Steak and Bake on the corner of Avenue Road and Street Drive."

"What about it?"

"Do you think we should go to it?"

"Go to what?"

"Steak and Bake!"

"What?"

"Should we go to it?"

"Where?"

"Should we go to Steak and Bake, on the corner of Avenue and Street, so we can eat dinner there?" shrieked Rouge furiously.

"Oh… well, why didn't you say so?" Sonic said obliviously.

While Rouge proceeded to thrash Sonic within an inch of his life, Shadow turned to Tails. "What do you think they're on about?"

"Something about going out to dinner," Tails shrugged.

"I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF NOBODY PAYING ATTENTION TO ME!" shrieked Rouge. "And no, I don't want any fanboys to "pay attention to me" either!" she informed the legions of dismayed geeks. "Why don't you listen? First Sonic completely ignores me, now you guys!"

"You thought I wasn't paying attention?" demanded Sonic hoarsely. "I've never been so insulted in my life!"

"You _weren't _paying any attention!" Rouge yelped frenetically. "How can you POSSIBLY say that you were paying any attention _whatsoever _after that little display!"

"Rouge Matilda Whatever Tails Said For Two Hours Bat, I am insulted!" Sonic stated firmly. "First you go batsh… er, guano crazy over a lighthearted prank that my good friend-slash-most hated nemesis Shadow pulled, and now you make these ridiculous assumptions! You know what they say about assuming. To assume is to make an _ass _out of _u _and _me_!"

"Hah haaaaaah!" screeched Shadow raucously. "Get it! The words _ass, u, _and _me _in order all spell assume! Very clever, Sonic!" He began to slap his knees in fake hilarity.

"_You _isn't even spelled that way," observed Tails astutely, making an astute observation by observing the matter astute… OK, fine, I'll stop.

"It's an expression," humphed Sonic.

"Yeah, but you used it, and it's a terrible stupid expression that only makes any sense due to misspelling the simplest of words and the absurdity of the English language," Charmy the Bee said kindly, reclining on the keys of a piano with all the grace of a chicken with its head cut off.

They all stared at him silently.

"What? Am I supposed to say, 'Oh, sorry,' and leave with embarrassment?" Charmy growled, resplendent in a mink fur coat. "That's stupid! I want to be in the story for a while!"

Knuckles threw a zucchini-and-ham quiche at the irritating young bee, hitting him square in the kisser, or at least what Charmy would like to think he would ever kiss someone with. Which would be the mouth, for all you perverts. "Get out of here, Charmy. Cause you're…" He waved his hands in the air dashingly. "Cramping my style!"

Everyone said 'wow' in subdued tones.

"Fine," grumbled Charmy, vacating the premises.

"Let's check the old calendar and see if we have anything to do this week," Shadow observed. He trotted out of the room, returning with a glossy Shadow the Hedgehog calendar. Each page had Shadow in a different pose. He flipped to the right month, looking at the week. Then Shadow turned pale.

"What?" asked Knuckles.

"Er… we don't have anything planned," said Shadow. He dithered for a moment, not wanting to destroy the calendar as it had pictures of him on it. He eventually settled for hiding it under a couch. "Oh, now it looks like everyone will have to take my word for it that we have nothing to do. Bye!" He tried to dash from the room, but Tails blocked his progress.

"Easy does it, homie," he grinned as Knuckles retrieved the calendar. Sonic and Rouge just looked confused.

"Tuesday," he grinned. "Take Sonic and Shadow for haircuts."

A bloodcurdling screech rang around the house from the two hedgehogs.

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_**Review!**_


	65. Gnasmara Rea Ni Terso Orf Ruo Rheseo

Sonic Insanity

We've finally reached 100,000 words! Thanks for everyone who contributed to the total.

Look, clan rHrN, your Sonic Insanity is not part of my timeline. Yours is more like a spin-off or a sequel of sorts. It'll be too much work to coordinate ours. But for the sake of your formula, x pie in the face.

It appears that the last chapter wasn't funny enough to make the anonym(o)us elmo laugh! I'll have to work harder…

Malak22 wondered if there was a similarity between this and Abbot and Costello. I was actually thinking of Chapter 5 of Weird Waker by Tweedle Dumbass, who I steal jokes from far more often that I would care to admit. Then again, he took a lot of jokes from my Wind Waker fic, which was taken down, so no worries.

Justin Time, that's an OK joke, but I try to lean away from gay jokes. The Queer Eye segment was sort of the only exception. Plus that joke is used all the time, and saying things like "at least etc" aren't always great. A good joke is something like this:

**Mecha Scorpion's Friend** What do you mean, I don't get any girls? I turn down relationships left and right!

**Mecha Scorpion **Your relationships are with your left and right.

Or how about this:

**Mecha Scorpion's Friend **Brazil is much better than Germany! If the Garden of Eden really existed, it would be in Brazil.

**Mecha Scorpion **Yeah, all the animals would come from there.

So those are some good jokes that I won't be able to use in the fic, at least maybe not.

And "Headwater Daddy-" will you stop saying that I'm not a good writer? I don't even steal any jokes from you, I write them in your story and then I change them and write them in mine! I don't even remember half of them anyway.

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Sonic and Shadow looked at each other, then fled the room, deathly afraid of getting haircuts. They ran down the hall, gibbering hysterically.

"I'll go after them!" Knuckles said courageously, trying to impress Rouge. Tails stuck his foot out and Knuckles fell flat on his face. Furious, he watched as Rouge rolled her eyes and flew after the duo of miscreants.

"Get- BACK- here!" she shouted, pumping her wings furiously. The terrified hedgehogs put on a burst of speed as machine gun fire hit the… wait, what?

Indeed, Rouge was holding two machine guns, with which she was attempting to give the two hedgehogs a haircut by shooting at their heads. Sonic winced as a bullet hit him in the back of the head, dismissing it as a mere scratch.

"What should we do?" howled Sonic to Shadow.

The black hedgehog winked, then grabbed Sonic's hand. The blue hedgehog began to protest, thinking it was a come-on, but Shadow had other plans. The black hedgehog stopped in his tracks, bringing Sonic to a halt with him. Sonic's arm was almost yanked out of his socket. Rouge, startled, flew over their heads and slammed into the wall, knocking her out.

"That was a long hallway," Shadow commented airily, while Sonic nursed his damaged arm. "Now let's get the heck out of here!"

"But I want the heck to _stay _here!" wailed Sonic, flapping his arms petulantly and kicking his legs. Unfortunately, this involved falling to the floor, and as soon as he hit the floor (actually, several seconds before) it gave way, sending him plummeting into the… EARTH'S CORE?

"WHAAAAAT?" shrieked Shadow, outraged.

"Holy contrivances and weak structural plans, Batmaaaaaaaaan…" howled Sonic as he fell to his doom. Suddenly a freak lava geyser hit him and shot him back up, apparently not damaging him at all with ridiculous notions such as overwhelming heat and crushing underground pressure. He was somehow ejected safely back into the house, but by then, Rouge had caught up with them.

The struggle to get them into the car was one of the greatest in history. Suffice it to say that Shadow had been given a PSP, which he was playing with much relish, and they had lied to him and said that they were going to a gun show. Sonic was a far different story. First they shot him with enough tranquilizers and sedatives to kill a family of elephants. Then they super glued his arms to his sides, glued his legs together, and glued his quills flat so he couldn't poke free. Then they filled his mouth with bean bags, sewed his lips shut, glued them together, duct taped his mouth, wrapped him in duct tape from head to foot until all that was visible was his nose. Then they tied him again with ropes, once more with chains, again with barbed wire, and finally with even more chains with diamond links. Then they put him inside a box made out of iron and malachite, with gemstone locks. The box's interior was filled with liquid iron that would harden around his body (he could breathe through a scuba thing). There was only one opening on the box and they welded it shut and fitted it with nine hundred thousand military-level locks, welded over all the locks, duct taped over the welding, and monitored it with surveillance cameras. Finally, they put the box in a ring of fire surrounded by machine guns and put it in the back of the car.

So, nobody was surprised when ten minutes later, Sonic sat up from the splintered wreckage of the box and whined, "Are we there yet?"

Oh, wait. They were all utterly flabbergasted and in Shadow's case, at a loss for words.

"But, but, but, but…" he stammered as Sonic kicked shards of diamond away, which he had somehow broken by twitching his nose. "But _HOW?" _he thundered.

"Oh, you know, this and that," shrugged Sonic. "A little here, a little there…"

Shadow was so massively furious that his anger grew until it began to feed on itself like a neutron star. Eventually he somehow accepted this absurdity and resumed playing his game. Sonic, opening the trunk and jettisoning 1,200 pounds of diamond, gemstone, iron, malachite, duct tape, lead, soldering, plastic, glue, circuitry, sewing thread and bathrobes into the middle of the freeway, turned back and leaned over Shadow's shoulder.

"Whatcha playing?" he inquired inquisitively.

Shadow was about to answer, but he was cut off by Knuckles, who seemed less willing to accept Sonic's dodgy answer (Rouge was driving). "No, seriously, Sonic, how did you get free?"

Sonic's face darkened. "Because I, gohegdeH eht coniS, have the power… the mystical, legendary abilities of the ancients who carved this world! I have abilities beyond those of any mortal man!"

"Oh, like the linking rings?" cried Rouge joyously, bouncing in her seat and clapping her hands (Tails was driving, the underage little twerp).

"NO, _NOT _THE LINKING RINGS!" hollered Sonic at the top of his voice, blasting out the windows _and _the doors with the sheer volume. "FORGET IT! The magic of the gods is millions of years more advanced than what any pathetic furry cerebrum could ever _dream _of grasping!"

"I think he means more powerful talents," Rouge declared.

"Ah," Shadow breathed wisely. "Amazing, mind-blowing capabilities, like card tricks and pulling rabbits out of hats."

Sonic's anger was so monumental that… er… they made a monument to it. The monument was a thousand-foot high statue of Sonic dressed up as a Pokemon for his first Halloween. When people asked what this had to do with Sonic being angry, they were told that the statue wasn't _of _him being angry, the statue was designed to _make _him angry. But that's another story. Where was I? Oh yeah, Sonic was unforgettably angry and the universe would never the same bla blah bla.

They drove to Kobrinto's, the new barbershop, as they liked to give new businesses in town some attention (they were all heroes, so any place they went to was immediately swarmed). After a short car chase with Amy during which Sonic was kissed repeatedly and an incident known as the Pumpkin Effect occurred and was never mentioned again, they found the barber's. Emblazoned in big letters on the window was:

KOBRINTO'S

I CAN GET VIDEO GAMING ICONS A HAIRCUT!

"You mean this place is just for video game icons?" cried Sonic joyously, as if any such thing wasn't obvious. "Amazing! Spectacular! Mario better not be there! Because Sega likes to think that we're still competition for him! Superb! Although if they make many more sports games, maybe we will be! Outstanding!"

"I don't know, guys," Tails whined obnoxiously. "Seems kind of iffy… remember the last time we met up with other video game characters?"

"Yeah, Twinkle Park, and it was really fun, until Eggman showed up," Rouge told him.

"You weren't there," Sonic growled, "and it wasn't fun." Then he was distracted. "Look! SONIC and ICONS have all the same letters!"

Suddenly a huge shadow fell over them. It was a massive statue of the number 4.

"Get it? Four-shadowing… foreshadowing!" Shadow snickered. Knuckles caved his lungs in and they walked into Kobrinto's.

"Hello, do you have a reservation?" a robot secretary asked mechanically as they walked in.

"No, but we're Sonic and Shadow the Hedgehogs," Sonic said confidently, stepping forward. "We're bound to get an appointment!"

Kobrinto himself walked up to them. He had a large bushy mustache that curled at both ends. "Good to see you two! We can always make room for such heroes. I'll cut Sonic's quills- hair- bucket of noodles- whatever myself, and one of my other hairdressers can cut Shadow's."

"I say I deserve the glory," Shadow growled ominously.

"I say you don't," beamed Kobrinto cheerily, causing Shadow to go into convulsions. "Now, what kind of haircut would you like?"

"He'd like a little off the sides and a nice trim on the bangs," Rouge explained.

"Shut up, Mother," snarled Sonic at her. "I want you to take off a sixteenth of an inch on all parts of it… that's all!"

"Should be a snap!" Kobrinto grinned, snapping his fingers in Sonic's ears very loudly. He took out a razor, some scissors, and a set of pruning shears.

"Uh, could you put a mirror here?" Sonic asked nervously as the haircut went underway.

"Now, now, Sonic!" chortled Kobrinto. "Are you saying you don't trust me? I'm the finest there is!"

"At haircutting?" Sonic said skeptically.

"Um… that's not what I had in mind, but yeah, let's go with haircutting," Kobrinto smiled. "Now, hold still… I'm just shaping the top of your quills so it'll look better when they're shorter."

"He's scraping a razor on top of your head in swirly patterns," Shadow smirked. Sonic sneered at Shadow, knowing it was a joke. Kobrinto waggled a finger at Shadow and continued.

"Now put his quills in curlers!" Knuckles shrieked, banging his fists on the ground hysterically. Rouge kicked him disgustedly, and she was evicted for having no further use in the story right now.

"Just sit in the waiting room," Shadow grumbled.

Tails and Knuckles did. Knuckles picked up a People magazine and began scanning it eagerly for news on the Jessica-Nick-Vanessa love triangle.

"There's something weird about that Kobrinto guy," muttered Tails. "He's just too weird and cheerful… Knuckles?"

"OK, what's a seven-letter word for 'breakup?'" Knuckles asked, doing the crossword.

"Oh, $! off," Tails told him angrily.

"That's good, that's good," Knuckles said, filling in the curse. "Now, what's a four-letter word for-"

"Let me see that," Tails interrupted. "Break-up IS a seven letter word, I doubt it would be that obvious." He looked at it. "Knuckles, that says a seven-letter word for split in a relationship. You're reading the answers."

"No wonder I got so many wrong!" Knuckles gasped, although the opposite should have been true.

Sonic was bored with his haircut. He decided that the next best thing was to get Shadow raring hot mad. He leaned toward Shadow, ignoring the disastrous effect this was having on his haircut, and smirked. "Shadow?"

"What, fakir?" grumbled the black hedgehog, whose haircut looked immaculate.

Sonic smiled widely and broke into song. "Feeling a little," he raised his eyebrows and chuckled, "_oooooooo-bese? _Feeling a little… _little… _LITTLE… _LITTLE…" _ Each note got progressively higher in pitch until he rolled in with the main melody.

"Chubby in the cheeks, heavy in the hips, thick in the thighs, big in the belly, blubbery in the behind," he chorused in different voices, the combined effect of which grew Shadow absolutely wild. The robo-barber struggled to keep the outraged hedgehog in the seat, while Kobrinto ignored it all.

"Tubby in the tummy, slouch in the stomach, gluttonous in the gluteus maximum, fat in the fanny," he detailed, his litany of overweight problems expanding onwards. "Ample in the-"

"THAT'S IT!" shrieked Shadow, and he leaped from the chair and bowled Sonic over. They slammed into a shelf of hair tonics, sending the bottles everywhere. Sonic dodged getting his face pounded in, but an odd reflection in Shadow's eye made him yell, "STOP!"

He looked into Shadow's eye as the hedgehog glared angrily at him. He could see himself, and his quills. Now he could tell what kind of haircut he had gotten.

_  
_It was horrible.

His bangs had been glued together, and cut into them were the words I LOVE HORSEBACK RIDING, accompanied by a line of X's and O's and little hearts. Sonic's forehead had been painted orange to highlight the words. Above his bangs he had an array of liberty spikes, and the top of his head was now a mass of dreadlocks. Finally, the back of his hair was now woven into two thick pigtails.

Shadow tried to restrain himself for maybe 0.0000000002 seconds and then burst out with hilarity. "Pff… kk… hmmmph… heeeeeeeeeeeeAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA-" This went on for some time.

Sonic, meanwhile, was blazing mad. He was so angry that it was basically like containing every character's anger in this whole story inside of him. He went into a coma for five minutes, woke up and began to kill the heck out of Kobrinto.

"Hey," sputtered Kobrinto, "you knew what you was getting ya self into!"

"YOU SAID YOU'D GIVE ME THE HAIRCUT I ASKED FOR!" shrieked Sonic, deranged.

"I said no such thing!" Kobrinto said, defending himself. Immediately his robot staff pulled Sonic away. It was then that Sonic began to piece things together.

"Kobrinto… Robotnik? EGGMAN!" he screamed at the mustached man. "The robots… the mustache… the evil attitude… setting up an undercover base right near me! I SEE! You're going down, Eggman!"

"Shut up, Alfonse," Eggman retorted. Sonic foamed at the mouth at this dire insult. "Indeed, it is I, Eggman! When naming things backward back in Chapter 62 didn't work (Caper Putt, Papercut, and all the rest) I decided to stick with anagrams!"

"That's when you scramble the letters up in a word or sentence to form something else!" exposited Tails for the benefit of the audience.

"We all know, Floyd," Eggman snarled. "Remember how Sonic observed that ICONS and SONIC have the same letters! Foreshadowing! Now that I'm done over-explaining my ludicrous plan, I'll reveal the greatest anagram of all- the slogan of my store!"

"Come to think of it, I didn't see any other video game icons around," Shadow said suspiciously.

"Silence, Gloria! Watch, and be amazed!" Eggman brought out a sign with the slogan on it, I CAN GET VIDEO GAME ICONS A HAIRCUT! Tapping it, the letters began to shift and change.

I CAN GET VIDEO GAMING ICONS A HAIRCUT slowly transformed into:

EGGMAN GAVE SONIC AN IDIOTIC HAIRCUT

There was a moment's silence. Then all hell broke loose.

"What, _what, _WHAT, _WHAT, **WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" **_shrieked Sonic in progressively higher tones. Tails stamped his feet and champed his teeth and stamped his grief and all sorts of things, flailing his arms and legs with in insane fury. Knuckles tried to hold it in, but hot air jetted from his ears until he soared around like a balloon.

"Relax, guys, it was to be expected," Shadow pointed out.

"WE COULDN'T HAVE EXPECTED A LUDICROUS ANAGRAM LIKE THAT!" shrieked Knuckles. "I see now! Earlier in the story, we've lost our strength when our quills or dreadlocks and such were cut! He was trying to rob us of our power!"

"No, Rudolph, I just wanted you to look really stupid," smirked Eggman rapturously. "Only Sonic looks stupid anyway, everyone else looks spick and span as a frickin' pan!"

"That's an outlandish saying," objected Tails.

"Shut up, Xerxes," grumbled Eggman. "But now, I'm afraid, it's time for your demise at the hands of my latest invention!"

"Where are you hiding it?" Sonic asked suspiciously. "Did you eat it?"

Eggman turned florid in his fury, yanking his device from behind a house that was standing innocent beside him, despite the fact that they were still inside the false barbershop. "You see," he explained wrathfully, "my latest invention is much like my last one. But the similarity between them is not inability to defeat you… BUT LETHAL DESTRUCTIVE CAPACITY!" And with a towering chortle, he unveiled…

THE EGG COUNTRY SINGER!

Shadow looked doubtful.

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The horrors never cease, do they? Await next chapter!


	66. The Overdue Tragic Death

Sonic Insanity

For the first part of this chapter, when the Egg Country Singer is attacking them, I encourage you to play some hard rock or very dramatic music. I listened to Breaking Benjamin while writing, but don't use Slipknot or Hatebreed or anything like that. That's not dramatic. Something good, like Soldier Side by System of a Down. Or anything by them.

To SonicFan- what do you mean, was it an accident? I didn't just write one phrase and realize, "Wow, it translates into the other!" I tried several anagrams to fool Sonic with. Originally I had an idea that Shadow was behind it all, but then I realized that EGGMAN became GAMING with only a few minor edits, and SONIC becomes ICONS right away, so there I was…

Let's go.

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The Egg Country Singer lurched out from behind the house. It carried an old-fashioned banjo in its hand, a cowboy hat on its head, and an old vest and jeans for clothes. An intricate fake mustache was built onto it. Sonic felt all his muscles seize up in terror. The Egg Country Singer sat upon an old barrel, took a contemplative strum of his banjo, and sang…

"Well, out on the plains of Tex-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaas," drawled the singer, strumming his banjo despite his lack of obvious hands, "under wiiiiiiiiiide cloudless skiiiiiiEEEEEEiiiiiiies…" He gave a deep twang of his banjo, and the Sonic gang each experienced something different. Tails flipped over many times, sailing backward until he hit a brick wall, which dented in. Sonic's stomach sunk in and his head flew this way and that as if physical force was pushing at him. Shadow writhed on the ground with horrified agony. Finally, Knuckles' feet jittered and he flew into the air, flipping and spinning at the same time before landing on his head.

"There was a coooooouuun-try frog, and his faith-a-ful dog, but the dog had shifty EYEEEEEEES…" warbled the Egg Country Singer, plucking madly. Shadow continued to quiver with torment, while Knuckles kept going into spasms as if his limbs had lost control. Huge bruises formed on Sonic as he was attacked, blood shining from a scar. Like someone was picking up Tails and throwing him, the fox sailed in the opposite direction, landing with a massive BANG on the ground.

Eggman was delighted. One of his fiendish plans had already succeeded! "Why'd I waste all these years with nonsensical robots when I could defeat him with…"

"The Egg Country Singer is a nonsensical robot, it's just that none of them can tolerate country music without serious physical damage to themselves," chirped a small songbird on the window. Eggman grabbed at it with rage, but it flew into his ear, squeezing through the ear canal and bouncing around inside of his brain.

"OW! The horrible pain!" screamed Shadow, Tails, Sonic, Knuckles and Eggman all at the same time, all to the refrain of the Egg Country Singer's abominable playing. Eggman decided to go for an old trick. "Think about something difficult, Abraham," he advised himself. "Like… algebra, say, or polickaticks… pockleticks… pocketlenticulars… POLITICS! That's it." He paused as a joke struck him. "Hey! Poli means many, and tics means blood sucking creatures! So, basically, all the issues discussed in Congress (not the White House, they just talk about football while gas prices go up) are living, breathing insect creatures! Get it?"

"That's hilarious!" chirped the bird in his brain sarcastically. Eggman snarled, trying his strategy. By thinking about geography, his face began to burn bright red until the inside of his head reached temperatures of over 450 degrees Fahrenheit. Meanwhile, his tiny brain began to swell as the complicated ideas filled it. To top it all off, his brain was surging with electricity. The bird had no choice but to be crushed, burned or electrocuted. It flew out of his head and was never seen again. Except by Mr. Jack, who was on the side of the freeway in the car. But that's another story.

The fight with the Egg Country Singer was going badly. There was still 49 verses to go of his ballad. All of them were rooted to the spot, unable to control their movements.

"So the dog, and the frog, went into a bog, and never to retuuuuuuuurn…"

Tails was flung into a wall, from which rubble and plaster dust showered.

"They set up camp, with just a tent and lamp, and set up some logs to buuuuurn…"

Shadow convulsed, foaming from the mouth and, oddly, the hair.

"Finding nothing to drink, they started to think: oh, whaaaaaaat was there to sip in the swamp…"

Knuckles tripped and fell over, his body covered in scratches and abrasions. His legs slid crazily as if he was trying to dance.

"So they gave it a try, but they found that they'd die, so they started the Brooooooklyn stooooooomp… _stoooooooooomp… STOOOOOOMP!" _yodeled the banjo-toting machine.

Sonic looked up groggily through blackened eyes. He was lying on his chest in a pool of his own blood. His legs and arms were bent at abnormal angles to his body. As he pulled himself up, he spat enough blood to fill a juice box. Eggman grinned and whooped at the sight of the hero's demise.

"It's OVER, Monsieur Faquiére!" he chortled as Sonic staggered horribly to his feet, his legs buckling under him as the Egg Country Singer unleashed more song. "Our ages-old rivalry is finally done with! You'll just be a memory, and I'll have your big soap shoes in a trophy case on my wall to comfort me in the middle of the night!"

"Oh, that valiant frog, and the shifty-eyed dog, got caught in the shifting SAAAAANDS…" trilled the Egg Country singer.

Sonic mumbled something, his hands clenching, glaring at Eggman.

"What?" the doctor asked.

Sonic dragged himself onward, leaving a wide swath of blood. He hobbled upward, very slowly, like a newborn child, testing his balance.

"No… he can't," the doctor prayed.

"And those two noble guys, met their demise, at the hands of a handless MANNNNNNNN…" sang the Egg Country Singer at double speed.

Sonic went down on one knee, head bowed against the horrible waves of music breaking over him. But even as the Egg Country Singer frantically played, Sonic got up, breaking into a stride, moving purposefully toward his tormentors.

"_NEVER!" _screamed Sonic, spitting out broken teeth and blood, dashing right at them, his foot wrenching behind him. Even with one broken leg, he pushed himself onward, finally propelling himself high into the air…

Eggman gasped. The Egg Country Singer finally stopped playing, trying to swat Sonic out of the air with his banjo.

In the break of music, the other furries mustered their strength and charged. The scene slowed as if time itself was respecting the moment…

Shadow spun once in the air, booting the Egg Country singer hard in the jaw. His head flew off, still crooning, and Shadow Chaos Controlled over to it and stomped on it, ending its song forever. Meanwhile, Tails plucked the banjo from the hand of the body and snapped it.

Knuckles charged at Eggman's machine and caved it in with a blow from his fist. And Sonic flew toward Eggman, looking so badly injured that he could have been considered dead, the rage in his eyes…

Eggman sneered, drawing the gun.

_"NO!" _shrieked Tails, his eyes wide and staring helplessly.

And the squirt gun shot an endless stream of water into Sonic, pumping rounds into him furiously. But it was enough. Sonic's fists went limp, and the light went out of his eyes. He fell to the ground as Eggman lurched away. Sonic tried to pull himself up once… and stopped. He let out one cough, and…

"SONIC!" shrieked Tails running over. Knuckles felt for a pulse, but his blocky gloves wouldn't allow him. Shadow felt for it and looked up gravely at all of them.

"He's gone," he said brokenly. "He's really gone now… he won't have another life like in the games… he's… dead." Shadow bowed his head as Tails wept. They all sat around for a moment of silence around the shattered body of their greatest friend.

"I just wish," choked Knuckles, "that he could be alive just long enough for us to really say goodbye… that's all I want…"

"I can understand that, Knuckles," a grim voiced stranger said. They all looked at him, but his face was hidden in shadow. By that I do not mean Shadow the Hedgehog. "But sometimes we just have to let those we knew come to pass. And besides…" The stranger stepped into the light to reveal Sonic. "Ya CAN't, always GET, whatcha WAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT…"

Tails promptly burst into happy tears and hugged his friend. Shadow went into a coma due to his utter fury. Knuckles, however, conquered the urge to pass out and shrieked like a feral cat, trying to body slam the resurrected hedgehog.

"HOW DID YOU, what, your body's right there, WHY DID YOU, how could, what, JAAAAAAAAGGGGRAAAAATZE?" he bellowed, breaking down and screaming at the sky.

"That was just my CLONE, baby!" said Sonic in a very obnoxious voice, hugging the two ladies on his arm while smoking a Best of 1803 Cuban cigar. The ladies began to leave, and he tried to convince them that between hugging Tails and calling Knuckles "baby," that he was actually attracted to women.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" hollered Shadow, his voice like a black hole. He had come out of the coma by becoming even MORE furious.

"It's the EASIEST thing!" Sonic sang, dancing around. "You wouldn't expect, heh, that an upstanding gentleman like myself would just get a haircut? No way! So I sent a clone in my place! That was who you was seeing with ya the WHOLE time!" He paraded merrily up and down the demolished hairdresser's shop.

"But WHEN did you switch yourself with a clone?" asked Tails confusedly.

"When you put me in that heavily guarded box, I thought I was a goner!" Sonic chuckled. "But, well, I cloned myself in there using special Wal-Mart Cloning Serum! I then used Chaos Control using this Chaos Emerald to get myself back home, and from then on it was the clone!"

"No wonder So- er, the clone was able to burst through that huge cage we built," Tails gasped. "Wal-Mart brand clones are usually much stronger than the people they were cloned from!"

"So that solves that," Sonic said, relieved.

"NO IT DOES NOT!" roared Knuckles, aghast. "That was still just… er… well… IT WAS HORRIBLE! Emotionally manipulative! Shamelessly self-aggrandizing! Grammy Award-winning!"

"So sue me. What can you do about it?" Sonic said, smirking as the ladies began to feed him Vegetarian Pizza. If by "vegetarian," you mean, "made out of vegetarians."

"Allow me to confer with my associates," said Shadow in a bookish, "intylektchuwall" voice, leading his comrades aside. Then, after he abandoned the Communists, he went off with Tails and Knuckles.

"Can we trust him? He seems on the level," Shadow growled, wearing a long, gold prospector's mustache.

"Shadow, we're not talking about whether we can trust Sonic or not, we're talking about how he should be punished!" Tails said stressfully as Shadow abandoned the mustache in favor of a bare upper lip. "So… what do we do?"

"We could star in a musical that makes fun of him and host it in front of all his role models, friends and potential women!" Knuckles chortled. "I can be the orphan!" The echidna pulled out a 30's era hat, doffed it rakishly before putting it on his head, and burst into song. "If only I haaaaaaaaaaaaad a moooooooooooooother and faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaather, I just might not boooooooother to live in the street! Soooooooometiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmees, I think I might wonder if I made a blunder-"

"Oh! And I could be the old crusty casting agent for the young orphan to get his big break in show biz!" Shadow shrieked in utter euphoria, donning a suit and tie and leaning on a cane, puffing at a cheroot with a nametag reading Ari Max Goldstein-Kaufman-Rosenbaum-Liebowitz-Shapiro-Schwartzberg. "I'm in the picture business, kid. I see a dozen like you every day. What convinces you that you'll make it?"

"That's rather stereotypical, don't you think?" Tails inquired angrily.

"Cause I can deliver maudlin monologues and pout for handouts!" Knuckles hooted, dancing around like a nincompoop and falling flat on his face. A line of hidden chorus girls screeched background vocals, but they ran away due to overwhelming abnormality.

"That's enough!" snarled Tails. "We should get him to do the one thing he despises above all others, for what he did!"

"John Tucker was so cruel to us!" spat Shadow, wearing mascara. "We'll have to get Amy to go out with him and then break his heart!"

"Amy!" Knuckles said, stunned, his eyes glittering mischievously. "Why couldn't I see it? It's hard to believe… that I couldn't see… High School Musical is a-"

"That's it!" Tails snickered. He turned to Sonic, who was looking expectant. "Sonic, we have come to a decision!"

"What," moaned Sonic as the women moved in for the kill.

"You must go out on a date with Amy Rose!" Tails smirked triumphantly.

The women had to be reassured, again, that Sonic was attracted to females, as he immediately went impotent and cold at the sound of his mortal, marital foe. Out of the ground, springing up in a long chain from where they stood to the coast of the oceans, came huge, monolithic letters, accompanying Sonic's scream.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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Things are getting painful now…


	67. My Date With Amy

Sonic Insanity

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Sonic raised the phone with trembling fingers, sneering at his grinning "friends" in order to cover up his abject misery and horror. "Guys, I _hate _Amy. Surely you could come up with a less vicious punishment…"

"She's not that bad… she has good taste, after all."

Sonic spluttered on a mouthful of coffee, even though he had not had any for many days and he wasn't having one now. "_WHAT? _Shadow, you hate me! How can you say she has good taste?"

"She went out with me," Shadow smirked. Sonic brained him with a goat fetus and dialed the number hesitantly.

"Hello?" Amy answered, while her cell phone rang in the background. This was odd, as Sonic had called her on her cell phone. He came to the conclusion that on the third ring, she had the word "hello" instead of a ring and then it continued ringing as usual.

"Very likely theory," Knuckles sniffed, somehow deducing what Sonic had thought telepathically.

"Shut up," hissed Sonic as Amy picked up. "Er, Amy?"

"Hello?" Amy answered, while her cell phone rang in the… uh-oh, Déjà Vu doesn't look happy over there.

"Hello? Who is this?" Amy asked suspiciously.

"It's, (gulp), Sonic," the blue hedgehog answered painfully. He turned around and whined to Tails, "Are you sure-"

"Oh, Sonikku, I'd be delighted!" Amy yakked. "We'll go to the mall, shop for clothes and jewelry- we can find you a nice man-bracelet-"

"**Man bracelet?**" howled Sonic insanely, realizing too late that he had just given this away to Shadow. The black hedgehog burst into obnoxious chuckles, rollicking on the floor with laughter.

"Yes, and maybe we can buy some Christian rock too! Creed, Flyleaf, Alter Bridge, 12 Stones, and Thousand Foot Krutch!" Amy shrieked, finding it all rather exciting, while Sonic's gag reflex was put to the test. "So, when should you pick me uuuuuuuuuppppppp?"

"Er," Sonic stammered, horrified, "how's about… 6 work out for you?"

Amy mistook his stammering for nervousness and fainted on the spot. Sonic turned hopefully toward Tails. "She can't go, she fainted," he explained, but the fox shook his head gravely.

"Well, time for me to answer my e-mail!" Knuckles said, plopping down at a computer table. His head was reflected in the glass screen as he typed in knucklesemail.exe

"Cause I'm the e-mail lumberjack, you know I'm cutting down those e-mail trees, those e-mail trees," he sang as the e-mail was called up. "Ahem!"

"Dear Strong Bad, how can you type with boxing gloves on your hands? Crapfully yours, Randolph from Alabama." Knuckles, foaming furiously at the mouth, began to type.

"Ugh, why do you keep getting my name wrong? Second of all, these aren't _boxing gloves! _Boxing gloves are for _leprechauns!" _he spat contemptuously. "And Mordik Dwarf Javelin Wielders with +3 Stamina! And they're not spiky gloves, neither! But I will tell you the truth, Redneck from Panorama. I really got these babies in a street fight with a celebrity chef in Uganda." A long flashback that really should have been communicated by text in the e-mail ensued, during which Knuckles beat up an unsuspecting chef. "I stole his prized oven mitts and affixed two paper ice cream cones to them with hot melt glue. And I filled the paper ice cream cones with gravel. So don't mess around!" Suddenly the ceiling caved in and a large sheet of paper shot through the top of the house.

"_That's _what you get for ripping me off!" shouted a strange, tape-legged, topless, Mexican-wrestling-mask wearing man accompanied by a small yellow duck-like pet. Evidently they had somehow forced the paper through the roof. "Hurry, the Cheat! If we're going to put the King of Town's castle up for auction, we're gonna have to go fast. We're gonna get a vacation cabana on the moooooooooooooooon…" The last word faded out, much to the distress of all concerned. Shadow, for once, was without a pithy comment. Of course, you couldn't really say that they were at a loss for words, because that happens every three paragraphs with this story.

"I'll clean it up," sighed Tails, sweeping the rubble away with his tails while pulling the paper out of the ceiling and burning it.

"You do that," Sonic said, very freaked out. "I'll… er… change for my date with Amy…"

"You don't wear clothes," Knuckles observed sagely.

"How would you know? Are you looking at me nude? Ewww, pervert!" Sonic scurried upstairs while covering himself, dismissing the matter that Knuckles was also unclothed and that neither of them had any visible external "private parts."

When upstairs, Sonic put on a suit and tie to look elegant. As the "suit" was a scuba suit and the "tie" was a tied shoelace, the desired effect was not quite attained. Sonic managed to convince himself that he looked dashing anyway. At least the diving helmet protected him from kisses.

The afternoon dragged on with horrible slowness. Sonic paced his room anxiously. Dinner came and went- everyone else was having it early. Tails pressured Sonic to eat in case Amy drugged the food he was going to eat with her, but Sonic couldn't eat anything.

Shadow made many facetious comments on his own date with Sonic's mother that night, which provoked Sonic to take 8 grams of tranquilizers mixed with antidepressants. He would have washed it down with alcohol, but Tails remembered something about mixing drugs and pills leading to death and told Sonic this. Hearing this, Sonic just shrugged and raised the bottle to his lips, but he didn't have the strength to take out the cork and tried to hit himself over the head with the bottle.

"I think Sonic is upset about something," Knuckles said in a very clueless manner.

At this, the old Sonic returned in full form. He threw the bottle at Knuckles, stood up, and cleared the table with a sweep of his arm. Very conveniently, he swept it in Shadow's direction, so that a mix of roast turkey, cheese and pepperoni pizza, boiled chicken, sweet potato fries, hamburger buns, condiments, hard rolls, burger patties, ears of corn, peas, mashed potatoes, cucumber, tomato and heart of palm salad, beets, stir-fry, Chinese takeout, sushi, sashimi, leg of lamb, pork chops, buffalo wings, flank steak, spare ribs, key lime pie, Neapolitan ice cream (for Knuckles) butterscotch almond cake, Hot Pockets, burritos, olives, root beer, coffee, water, tequila, hot dogs, calzones, stuffed French toast, bread sticks, pancakes, waffles, roast duck, turnips, fruit salad, brown rice, and spring rolls cascaded into the black hedgehog's lap. (AN: Clearly, Sonic and his friends are American.) "YOU THINK? You try having a date with the restraint-less wonder sometime and see how YOU like it! She'll be all over me! I suspect she bathes in Agent Orange or some sort of highly toxic chemical compound…"

"Yeah, I think I saw mustard gas coming out of a cig she was smoking," Tails commented, while Shadow tried to climb from the pile of food he was buried alive in.

"Uh, yeah, I didn't ask your opinion on that, Tails," Sonic said very rudely. "Nobody actually says "cig." Now, where was I…"

Tails, beet red at how obnoxious and judgmental Sonic was being, observed that it was six o'clock.

"Oh shi-" said Sonic, almost swearing, then realized that no convenient explosion or noise had censored him. He tried again, and Shadow cut him off by punting him out the door.

Sonic dashed to Amy's house, moving faster than he ever had in his life, as if Amy herself was right behind him. In that case, he probably wouldn't really be going _to _Amy's house, but Sonic was unconcerned, because it was a "mettafore." He reached Amy's house, actually going back in time due to his speed, and rang the door.

"Just a minute," came a voice desperately attempting to be alluring and sexy, and Sonic tried not to laugh. He succeeded, managing a terrified whimper instead. Amy came out, her nudity covered by nothing except underwear, a shirt and a medium length skirt. So she wasn't nude at all. That was good.

"Ready to go?" she asked coyly, giving him a large, sloppy wet one on the cheek.

"Yeah, all right, fine," Sonic grumbled. "You know, I'm only taking you out because my friends made me."

"Aw, that's so sweet! Your friends are encouraging you not to be so shy around girls! How adorable, Sonikku!" She tried to administer more kisses, but her lips were burned as Sonic's skin was smoldering due to hatred and rage.

"Where are we going to dinner?" he asked, feeling queasy.

"What? No, we're not having dinner," said Amy blissfully. _Ignorance is bliss, _thought Sonic as his stomach rumbled, thinking that his joke was hilarious. "We're going to a movie premiere!"

Sonic's heart soared. Even with Amy around, he had never been to a movie premiere. It might be fun, even without having had dinner.

"What movie?" he asked.

At the movie theater…

"Two for Snacks on a Plane, please," Amy asked in a business-like manner.

"SNACKS ON A PLANE? I'm not watching _snacks on a plane!" _screamed Sonic, spittle frothing from his lips and veins standing out on his skin like titanium bars. "What kind of ham-spanker wants to see a movie about the culinary choices on an airline?"

"Calm down, Sonic," said Amy frostily, applying lipstick.

"CALM DOWN?" A seething stew of obscenities bubbled from Sonic's mouth, each more venomous than the next. Passersby were lifted bodily from their feet and slammed into brick walls and partitions.

"We could be watching The Matrix Dynamite," Amy snapped. Sonic shut up at once, remembering his temper. Like the old saying went, "The All-American Rejects belong in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame." And as the relevant, factually correct saying went, "Count your blessings, or your blessings will count you." Wait, what?

Before Sonic could voice his objections, or plead for a new movie choice, they arrived in the theater. Many washed-up movie stars, such as Courtney Love and Corey Feldman, were all there, as they had nothing better to do and the food and liquor was free here. Sonic, being the savior of the world, was of course ignored. The useless movie stars who had never contributed to anything, except, in Courtney Love's case, the death of Kurt Cobain, got far more attention. But eventually a caterer, having given food to everyone else, grudgingly attended Sonic and Amy.

"Care for some beer and whore dwarves? I mean hors d'oeuvres?" he asked.

Amy requested a small bacon-wrapped fig with honey pecan glaze. "And Sonic, sweetie, why don't you have a cashew-steamed chicken cutlet in the Thousand Island dressing marinade…"

"Don't order for me," growled Sonic. "I couldn't take anything, but thank you."

"The whole reason for catering is to give food away," the caterer muttered. He left out some other ridiculous cracker-like dish for them. Sonic looked around, and then quickly snatched them when the caterer wasn't looking, considering this a prime example of expert theft and subtlety.

Another caterer swept up. "Care for some butter-fried lamb crisps with mint jelly wrapped in fig leaves?"

"What kind of food is this?" demanded Sonic fierily, flaming red with barely suppressed indignation. He turned over the entire catering table out of terrible rage. "Is this some sort of _wedding? _At catering you're supposed to have real food, not over-planned ritzy little appetizers!"

"Would you prefer me to cook up something _hot_ for you instead?" Amy questioned hoggishly, stuffing her face with the disgustingly intricate little snacks. Sonic, revolted, was silent, although his hostility simmered.

The crowd quieted down as the director of the movie came out.

"Hi, guys and gals! This is the first ever US showing of the feature film Snacks on a Plane and I sincerely hope you like it! I'd like to bring out the stars of the film- the snacks!"

Sonic was outraged as there began some "snack-handling" exercises, like pushing fully grown venomous raspberry pudding deserts with a stick or feeding mice to hungry adult poisonous bags of Trail Mix. When this appalling display ended, he muttered to Amy, "Those guys wouldn't know entertainment if it hit them upside the head!"

"That happened once to me," she explained. As Sonic almost turned epileptic and went through seizures as if he was attached to electrodes, the director continued.

"And now, for the moment that no one would realistically be waiting for… Snacks on a Plane!"

The film opened on the plane, where Samuel Jackson was sitting next to the witness.

"Scared?" he asked.

"No, I'm just scared of flying," the witness explained.

"So you are scared," Jackson said in disgust.

"No, just frightened," the witness sneered, wondering why Jackson didn't get the message. Suddenly a waitress came down the aisle with a food tray.

"Care for some food?" she simpered; baring some flesh just to make the film rated R.

"Yeah, how about some Jell-O cups?" the witness asked.

"Two Jell-O cups," she beamed, handing them to the men. Sam Jackson spit his out, disgusted at the rancid taste it had.

"That's it!" he bellowed, standing with fury in his eyes. "I've had it with these motherf$!ing snacks on this motherf$!ing plane!" Pulling out a gun, he immediately grabbed the cart and started throwing them in microwaves, shooting them, stamping on them, tearing them in half, throwing them in the plane's fuselage and shooting them there, etc. Then a snack bit the pilot and they all died. The end credits began to roll.

"Oh, I wish it was longer!" cried Amy sadly. The critics were all raving about how the film was "the best airborne culinary horror survival picture ever" and how it was "slithering with thrills, chills and spills… some of the messy food variety, but many of the dying passengers." Many of them were coming up with these quotes while receiving substantial cash donations from the movie's directors. Sonic was outraged.

"_How could such a horrible film have been created?" _he cried. "It was stupid and it made no sense! _This _is the real reason for the decline of culture! _Burn, Hollywood, burn!" _And with a maniacal cackle, he set the theater on fire.

A Few Days Later…

"I hope you're happy," Knuckles said to an embarrassed Sonic as they drove from the jail. "Do you have any idea how much bail we had to pay?"

"You could have just waited a week, they never put celebrities in jail for long anyway," said Tails. "In fact, I read about this one case-"

"Uh, see you later, Tails," Sonic ordered. "At least Amy is so appalled at my behavior that she isn't talking to me anymore."

"Like she'll hold that promise for more than a few minutes," Knuckles said, rolling his eyes. Since he was driving, this gesture almost made them crash.

"Finally, it's all over," sighed Sonic. "Ever since Chapter 40, events have gone one after another. Queer Eye came to the house, we had a brief break to make fun of Kingdom Hearts 2. Then we almost drove to Canada, got locked up in Eastern Europe, had to steal a tank, had to stop Bam from using the tank, fought each other, went to Twinkle Park, had to survive Knuckles' cooking, got turned into gothics, went through a media scandal, got haircuts, and now I went on a date with Amy. But finally… we can take a while to relax and take a break… it's all over."

"Remember those chapters where nothing would happen and we'd just sit around the house? Ah, those were the days," sighed Shadow.

"Now, it's done for a while… now," said Knuckles easily, "we can rest." Immediately following this statement, their car drove off a cliff.

"KNU-CKLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!" they all screamed furiously as their car plummeted.

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"Lay your head down, child, I won't let the e-mail man come," sang Knuckles as he loaded a new e-mail. "Count the e-mails like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums…" It appeared on screen.

Yo Knuckles

I must ask you, what's the best and worst dream you ever had?

Thanks, man,

Dimitri

"But of course, my Fat Tony," purred Knuckles darkly. "My best dream went a little bit… a like a this."

Knuckles was swinging in a hammock, eating exotic fruits while servants waited on him hand and foot. A beautiful ocean lagoon surrounded him. Waterfalls, palm trees, blue water and beautiful sky were everywhere. He was putting his feet up on the completed Master Emerald, while watching Rouge look for Chaos Emeralds. A single thread from each article of clothing she was wearing was slowly unraveling, being pulled by winding spools of thread, and it was great fun to watch Rouge desperately try to find the Emeralds before baring all.

"You could have at least untied my hands!" she shrieked fearfully. That was another part of the good dream, she wasn't angry at him.

"No way! You might cut the threads!" Knuckles grinned. Already the hem of her shirt was ending so high that it might as well have been a bikini. Her pant legs, formerly ending at her ankles, now ended a little above her knees. Even her socks and gloves were slowly disappearing.

She found the first Chaos Emerald, and Knuckles signaled for the thread to unwind faster. Just as things were soon to get inappropriate for our 12-year-old audience's tender eyes and ears, Knuckles cut out so that it returned to the e-mail.

"So, you're wondering about my worst dream. Well, it's like this."

The exact same thing happened as before. Rouge was on the brink of losing her clothes; servants were attending Knuckles, etc. Obviously it was the same dream.

But now, Rouge broke out of her hand restraints, ran to the spools of the thread, and spun them the other way, her clothes somehow coming back on. Knuckles watched in horror as she easily found all the Chaos Emeralds. His servants held him down, making faces at him as Rouge stole the Master Emerald and became the strongest person alive. Furious at him, she…

"And that's when I woke up," said Knuckles, relieved.

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Don't worry, the story ain't over yet! Review. "Headwater Daddy" will be furious at the next chapter, as the idea of a chapter involving a car flying through the air was sort of his.

Review hypotheses:

Uhyeahitsteamdark: Yeah, basically it sucked, it was boring, who likes Germans, just kidding it was great.

O-O-Crimson-Whatever: It was hilarious! Keep writing!

Ellie: Funny chappy!

Tweedle Dumbass: I have returned, Mecha Scorpion!

So, essentially it was funny. (Quote story excessively here.) There was maybe one part that wasn't that great.

It is very, very good! I give it 4 roller skates out of 5!

Well, this is Tweedle Dee's brother, Tweedle Dumbass, reading, reviewing and getting into food fights with the Dutch.

Justin Time: I don't know, something long I guess.

The notorious "Headwater Daddy": Yo, yo, yo, brother fletch! Oodles and oodles of wondrous arrows undid this story like parchment cheese clockworks. No need to worry, this story has me covered extensively from Tuesday back again! Looks like Sonic is once, no, TWICE again furious with Spanish-speaking country metal guitarists and angertemperment. Outrageous but melancholy, with a side of Shakespeare!


	68. A Perilous Plunge

Sonic Insanity

DGO will find this chapter rather familiar, as many of the jokes were from that all-nighter we pulled with the Halo 2 maniac and the Polish assassin, i.e two guys who suck at video game golf. This, plus "Headwater Daddy's" ludicrous story being partial inspiration, is making for a plagiarism-ariffic chapter!

Thanks to my good friend Sour Schuyler, we have now reached 800 reviews! Thank you, thank you, one and all.

First day of school for me. Yay, hurrah.

To "Sideways Ponytail Parade:" It's spelled _charades, _loser. Nice try there. (waves hands next to neck while rolling his eyes) And _bal_derdash is spelled with two A's. No o's about it.

I'm sorry, -_O-Crimson-0-Nightshade-O-, _I just couldn't remember your name, all right? What's with the sweat drops, I thought those were reserved for awkward occasions.

I have added more description. Not anything too fancy, but just due to a request. OOC factor is deplorable, I know.

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"You _imbecile, _Knuckles!" roared Shadow as they plunged off the cliff in the car. Tails had his head out the car window like a dog, the earth looming near. "_Why _did you drive us off a cliff?"

"Yeah, guys, this ain't funny," said Sonic childishly, huddled in the back seat like a baby. "I've got a dentist's appointment!"

"Hey, chill, guys, it could be worse," Knuckles reprimanded them. He had his feet up on the steering wheel, but since they were falling straight down it was more like he was standing up. Thus he was now bracing himself against it, accidentally honking the horn repeatedly.

"Yeah, he's right, guys!" said Tails, who was more than likely lying. "Remember that wedding in Alabama?"

"Will we _ever _have a flashback about that?" Knuckles questioned in a grumpy manner, being far more concerned that the readers would see a funny flashback than with his own life.

"Sure, why not," replied Fat Tony, I mean Sonic. It began…

The wedding was going well. The opulent ballroom was bedecked in ornate garlands, flower arrangements and silk drapes. Couples danced and ate and laughed and sang and did other matrimonially related activities. Everyone consumed squirrel casserole and fried chicken and other stereotypical southern food.

"I love you," whispered the husband into his bride's ear. Offended, she slapped him. Then, after this, shall we say, "unlikely" occurrence, something happened that was even more uncommon.

A long crack appeared on the ceiling, followed by more that formed a spider web pattern outward. Pressure caused it to buckle, and rubble cascaded over the gala affair. Tables were pinned under slabs of mortar and bricks landed in the middle of punch bowls. A heavy wooden wicker frame appeared. Dust came down, and many men reached for their guns (NRA).

There was a massive wrenching sound, and the wicker frame dropped further in. There was shouting and screaming as the box dropped further, dangling by strings coming through the ceiling. A huge propane fuel burner was pitched over the side, and it shattered on the ground. The wicker frame dropped further.

And suddenly it fell, the large colorful balloon coming down in multihued tatters on top of it. The wicker frame was draped over by a tent, and four wrathful figures stumbled out, cursing and swearing.

"-taken that right turn at Detroit!" spat a dusty blue hedgehog, quills in brilliant disarray.

"It wasn't _my _idea to sail around the world in a hot air balloon," grumbled Shadow, glaring at Knuckles. Knuckles looked like he was about to deny this, but he kept glancing over at the balloon, which was in the shape of his own head.

"Um, guys, what should we say to these people?" Tails muttered nervously, looking around at the indignant wedding attendants.

"Tails, how about you sit over there and stop indicating that you exist or communicate with the outside world in any way," hissed Sonic irrationally. Fuming, the only intelligent one of them quickly left.

"I know the local dialect of these people," lied Knuckles happily. He began, starting to speak in the whitest voice possible. "Yo, homies, let's bounce!"

End flashback…

"I thought we'd never get out of the hospital after that," reminisced Sonic.

"_We're in the middle of a crisis!" _shrieked Shadow insanely, who was trying to remedy the problem by shooting the car with guns. The dashboard was soon perforated, and the glass was frosted with bullet holes.

"Me too!" said Tails.

"I know!" said Sonic. "I have a plan!"

"I'm pregnant," blurted Tails. Nobody paid any attention to him.

"We can cut out the airbags and use them as parachutes!" Sonic said triumphantly. Shadow was considering the idea.

"No way, Jose!" laughed Tom DeLay, falling down next to them. Instantly all their airbags disappeared. "I just drafted legislation saying that airbags are illegal!"

"OK," growled Sonic. "Then we can perform a sky-diving formation to slow us down!"

"It's a girl!" announced Tails delightedly. Knuckles fired him a look of disgust.

"You can't!" insisted Tom DeLay. "I just drafted legislation saying that saving yourself from imminent disaster is illegal!"

At this, Shadow launched himself from the car, pulling the door off behind him, and began to beat Tom DeLay up with it as they fell. Sonic was suddenly inspired by inspiration.

"Guys! Pull off the car doors! We can use them to cushion our landing!" he cried. Tails began to think of names for his baby.

Suddenly, all of the car doors turned into sliding doors instead of regular ones that open on a hinge. Tom DeLay had evidently drafted more legislation. Spitting mad, Sonic saw the ground looming closer.

And then, the car stopped, inches from the ground.

"Out of gas," Knuckles said, quite relieved.

Sonic was beside himself. "**_OUT OF GAS? _**That doesn't have any bearing on the rules of gravity! The car wasn't even being propelled BY gasoline!"

Shadow, not being inside the car, faced a pretty rough fate. Actually, he landed on the antigravity booster two feet to the left of the car, which kept him suspended in midair. Tom DeLay and the car door were nowhere to be found, although the crumpled ball of metal with arms and legs sticking out of it that Shadow was busy Chaos Controlling away might have had something to do with it.

"So, shall we do anything?" inquired Shadow lugubriously.

"Guys, I named her Ebony!" shrieked Tails, clutching his newborn.

"Tails, we're not going to pay you any more attention just because you act like you're pregnant," Sonic lied, I mean, snarled.

"She's already born, but whatever," Tails grumped, the child disappearing in a puff of cards.

"I know! Let's play cards!" Sonic said. "And Shadow can deal!"

"No, I won't," hissed Shadow.

"Yeah you will," Sonic assured him. "Now, what should we play?"

"Did you even _hear _me, blue hedgehog?" frothed Shadow.

"Poker? Aw, not again, Shadow, we play that all the time!" Sonic protested. "I was thinking more like gin rummy or sneaky prince or buccaneer's deuce or blind fig or-"

"I'm not playing any card games!" screeched Shadow, stamping his feet immaturely.

"FINE, fine, we'll play poker," sighed Sonic, wondering why Shadow had to be so persistent. Shadow, irritated, ran back home.

They each clutched their hands, sitting upon the dusty ground, their car hovering in the air above them. Sonic drew 2 more, Tails drew 4, and Knuckles didn't draw any.

"I bet 10 g's," Tails pronounced, laying a dime in the betting pools. Tails often confused thousands of dollars for cents somehow.

"OK, I'll see you and raise you-"

"I fold!" Tails said dramatically.

"Tails, you should wait until I've betted," sneered Sonic.

"Fine."

"OK, I'll see you, Tails, and raise 4 dollars," Sonic grinned.

"I'll see you and raise you two rocks and a shred of debris," Knuckles cackled.

"I'll see you there and raise you 2 dollars!" Tails shrieked.

"I'll see that and raise 4!"

"I'll see that and raise a garbage can lid!"

Eventually the betting ended. Knuckles had not contributed anything other than regular objects. Soon Knuckles was winning, especially because he never gambled any real money. Many of the others were just left holding rocks and trashcan lids while he got all their cash.

Disgusted, they all went home, arguing the whole way. After trudging exhaustedly into the house, they entered the living room to find Shadow brandishing a paper excitedly.

"Guys! Look!" squealed Shadow. "Evanescence is having a concert at the civic center!"

"Why, is the civic center scheduled for demolition?" raged Sonic frenziedly. "Tails and I aren't going. We're going to…" He brandished a piece of paper of his own. "Nowhere!"

"What's on that piece of paper, then?" asked Shadow.

"Oh, I don't know, I just thought it would seem better," Sonic exclaimed.

"We could watch the Top 10 Bush Moments on TV," Tails pointed out.

"Oh, that should be hilarious," groaned Sonic. Shadow turned on the talking picture box.

"And coming in at Number 9 is this leak from the White House!" shouted the announcer.

The camera was hidden but you could hear Bush very clearly. "What? Those French commies aren't behind our holy crusade? And Germany, too? Don't they realize that we got to do this in the name of God and Jesus? I mean, people use religion for a lot of wars and it never turned out _that _bad!" There was muttering. "Well, you know what I always say: "if you isn't along with of us, you is against what we of us!" There was a brief silence, a delay, and a translator came in. "Tell him 'if you isn't alongside of us, are you of against with the ways of us?"

"He means 'if you're not with us, you're against us,'" the translator interpreted. Sonic was on the floor, tears streaming from both eyes.

"Yeah, that!" Bush muttered. "Well, we'll just have to drop bombs on those Western European heathens as well too! …What do you mean, our deficit is too low to justify making more bombs? Malarkey, I say! Those liberals and their fancy number addition will bring down America! They might be good on a calculator, but how good do you think they are at fly-fishing or hunting? Exactly." There was more muttering on the other end.

"Well, how about this," drawled Bush. "We take all the bombs we've already got and sort of… lump em and… make em together into one big bomb. Then we cut out a hole in the middle in the shape of the United States, drop it, and the whole bomb will fall around us and I can be on the golf course at noon without having to worry bout none o' them dark-skinned rabid liberal apologists!"

Sonic was now opening and closing his mouth like a fish, utterly paralyzed with mirth. The funniest part was that there could be 8 FUNNIER things than this. Shadow glanced balefully at the TV.

"Come on, Knuckles," he said, "let's go to the Evanescence concert."

"No!" Knuckles refused adamantly.

"Why not? Um… they've got rapping!" Shadow improvised.

"I'm there!"

"One of their songs is called 'Lacrymosa!' And another is called 'The Last Song I'll Ever Waste On You!' And another is called 'Call Me When You're Sober!' Are they trying to appeal to ANY guy audience at all? What are they, the Dixie Chicks?" sneered Sonic.

"They've got a hot girl," Shadow was quick to say.

"I'm there!"

"She's not hot! Americans just think any female celebrity is hot unless she's so ugly that there's no denying it!" Sonic growled.

"Face it, you've lost," Shadow smirked, as Sonic sank to the floor in utter misery since he had failed to rescue Knuckles from the horrible fate that awaited him at the hands of the girlish band. "You and Tails can watch Bush in action while we go… to the Evanescence concert!"

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An Evanescence concert! Will Shadow and Knuckles survive? And what idiocy will Bush spew forth with? CAUTION: the next chapter will offend people who like Evanescence and Bush. I think there should be prescriptions for liking those things… Review.


	69. Disembodied Feet and Hyder Boscoys

Sonic Insanity

This is Chapter 69, get it? I'm hilarious.

Well, I never! Sonic-Ruler, an Evanescence fan? I expected better, honestly.

"The big cheese" and MacGyver will probably not appear. Sorry. In other news, this story is now on 80 favorites lists! Thank you to the 37 people of those 80 that I can recall being reviewed by.

Actually, I might end this story soon. I'll keep you posted, but I may put a temporary end to the fic, a "hiatus" if you will, just so I can get caught up with school and such. In a few chapters.

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Sonic and Tails had not gotten up from watching Bush In Action, or the Top 10 stupidest things Bush had ever done.

"What bands do you like, if you don't like Evanescence?" asked Tails, as Bush defended his use of wiretaps in a comically hilarious fashion.

"Sonic Youth," grinned Sonic, in a very cheesy way. "Maybe they should make that name into one of my games… Sonic Youth! It would have us as little babies… or, _rather ripped _babies…"

Tails groaned.

"Number 7!" announced the TV.

Bush was dancing around the Oval Office. "Living in a fascist theocracy, and I'm gonna get a lot of money! I'm telling you, Dick, this whole stealing-the-presidency thing is just great, I tell ya, just great! If only I could be as rich as those oil sultans over in the Middle East… might as well bomb them and steal all their oil! Why research renewable energy sources when you can kill people to get nonrenewable? Send another billion to those boys in Iraq and North Korea and Afghanistan and Iran and Sudan and-" The show was cut off.

"We interrupt this program to bring you important news! Fox News has just bought out this channel and will now be showing The Passion of the Christ, with all violence censored. After those eight minutes, we'll be showing the documentary Heroism in the White House: Bush's Excellence As Pres! Did we mention that we have no political bias?"

Sonic tried to hurl the TV at the TV, but did not succeed for some reason. Something to do with how light is absorbed by water at a certain temperature.

"In local news," continued the newscaster, "the Evanescence concert is in full swing! The band revolutionized the emo genre of music when, in 2003, they burst onto the music scene with some of the most amazing music ever written!"

"Can you give us some examples, Bertha?" asked a male newscaster, who looked faintly ill.

"Why, yes, Greg!" she said, in an overly flirtatious manner. "They… well, what I mean to say is… they changed a lot about music with their… um… they have piano in their songs! AND they're a rock band!"

"Rock bands with a soft side, what will they think of next," chuckled Greg. "Next thing you know they'll unplug their guitars and call it 'acoustic!' They might even call it 'unplugged!'"

"Now see here, their lead singer is a woman!" Bertha defended.

"Revolutionary! Stunning! A woman raves about her most likely fictional problems in life to background music supplied by several musically ungifted men!" swore the man. "I haven't heard of that-"

"I knew you hadn't!" approved Bertha.

"-Since the last Avril Lavigne or Lacuna Coil concert!" announced the man. "But we now cut to our arts reporter, Arjuas Munnahtunnie." It cut to a very bored looking man.

"Call me Clive," he said in a very bored voice. "Anyway, during the intermission we're speaking with Amy Lee, who predominantly writes the lyrics for this band…"

The screen cut to a woman who looked exactly like every other girl there in terms of complexion, hair, makeup, accessories and piercing. "So, Amy Lee, what tragedies do you draw upon to write your… stunning… lyrics?"

"Call me ma'am," she said cordially. "Well, Gary, I sometimes draw on the death of my little sister. She was inside the refrigerator, eating the food, but she forgot that we were getting rid of our fridge. We didn't know that she was in it and we threw it in a landfill. But mainly what I draw upon when I write my lyrics that have to do with betrayal and treachery-"

"Yes, could you please describe that?" Arjuas asked.

"I'm asking the questions!" she flared.

"No you're not…"

"Oh yeah," she said, embarrassed. "Well, there was this one time in high school when my dinner table showed my diary to my boyfriend. I was so mad at it! And I gotta tell you, Gherkin, in my darkest hour, in my most paranoid moments, I never imagined that my own dinner table would betray me."

In front of the TV, Sonic had stuffed his fist in his mouth to keep from imploding with sheer hilarity. He listened to the whole sorry story as Amy Lee detailed how an inanimate object had consciously revealed her innermost secrets to someone else with malice aforethought.

"So, yeah, after we release The Open Door- our new CD with Call Me When You're Sober on it," Amy Lee said in a shameless attempt at self-promotion, "I think I'm gonna go solo and make a rock opera called Wounds That Never Heal. On the left side of the cover will be half of my face, and reflected in a single teardrop streaming down my face will be my cold-hearted dinner table. My name will be written across my forehead in crayons, so I can go for that whole creepy-child thing. Then the title of the album will be in Old English at the bottom, but not on my face. Then, above the title will be a picture of a single fading rose-"

Sonic was now more disgusted than amused. "Come on, Tails, we're going to save Shadow and Knuckles. By which I mean, Knuckles."

"Why? They should be having a good time," Tails said.

"They'll just get brainwashed into being gothics again, don't you see?" Sonic explained. "Plus Shadow just tricked Knuckles into going, and he'll be glad to leave." They got into the car, but as Sonic had been drinking to alleviate the depression he had felt from watching Evanescence _and _Bush in one night, Tails had to drive in his plane.

"I don't know how a six-year-old is allowed to drive a military-level transformer bot plane, but a person almost ten years older can't drive an ordinary car," Tails observed.

"When you're firing at security, try to hit Shadow a few times," Sonic tutored. "Try to knock him behind something or have someone land on him, so technically we didn't see him."

However, Shadow and Knuckles were the center of attention. They were being mobbed by hordes of enraged Evanescence fans who had turned rabid when Knuckles had described the band as "a bunch of nu-metal boy band members with a whiny tart singing."

"Could you have been ANY more offensive, Knuckles?" shrieked Shadow, going into arm spasms of fear. He batted aside several male groupies, who were creeping him out, and went into furious hand-to-hand combat with a merch vendor.

"Yes!" Knuckles said, who obviously took that moment to say something ridiculously politically incorrect and obnoxious. The throng of angry fans surrounded them, cutting off all avenues of escape.

"A fine day to die, huh, Knuckles?" Shadow chuckled hopelessly.

"At least we'll go down together," Knuckles sniffed.

"I went down on your mom when we were together," Shadow observed at a very inopportune moment. Knuckles was provoked to such fury that he was literally knocking Evanescence fans hundreds of feet into the air in order to kill Shadow.

Suddenly Sonic appeared in the fray. "EAT MY FIST, BEEYOTCH!" he shrieked like a banshee as he accurately landed on top of a Evanescence fan and crushed him into the ground. Security officials were paralyzed by awe as Sonic began to wallop the hordes with no mercy.

"He's administering those beat downs like they've got PRESCRIPTIONS for 'em!" Knuckles gasped, leaping into action himself. The ignored band tried to play a rousing riot anthem, but as none of them actually wrote their own music, it failed dismally.

Tails appeared in his plane, launching tear gas grenades and crowd-control shots all over the place. The four heroes engaged heartily in the brawl. By now everyone was so out of control that they didn't care who they were fighting.

"FREEZE! This is the National Guard! Everybody cease violence and step away from each other!" shouted a riot police guy, backed up by fifty men in helicopters and tanks.

There was a huge silence, followed by stifled snickers.

"Uh, see you later, Natural Guard man dude whatever," Sonic chuckled, as if it was a joke.

Furiously, a guardsman hit Sonic in the face with a nightstick. Sonic didn't even blink. He just rolled his eyes sarcastically, smiled broadly, and shook his head from side to side. "I don't really think that's gonna work, Mr. Arigato."

"Sonic," muttered Shadow with concern.

By now everyone was in hysterics at the sight of Sonic treating riot controllers as a big joke. The National Guard put handcuffs on him and led him into a vehicle. Just before he got in, Sonic shrugged off the handcuffs and walked in the opposite direction. "This is pretty boring, I'm outta here."

"_Sonic," _grumbled Shadow.

Six military enforcers jumped on him, trying to wrestle him to the ground. Sonic smiled patronizingly. "Um, I'm basically tired of this whole idiots-trying-to-get-my-attention scene party disco rave mosh pit ballroom petunia thing, so if you'll excuse me…" He grinned broadly as eighteen sleeper darts hit him in the neck, plucking them out and slapping his knee with vast amusement. "I haven't heard a joke that good since your mom tried to say she could fit into a size 12!" he addressed the captain.

"SOOOOO-_niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic!" _shrieked Shadow. "You're going to get us all killed or arrested! You're drunk off your quills, aren't you?"

"He did drink quite a bit before we left," Tails mused.

"I'm not drunk!" Sonic blatantly lied, dodging bullets as if his bones were made of chewing gum. "I'm ash shober ash a wheelbarrow full of Lucky Charmsh headed on a collision courshe wif deshtiny!" He had somehow acquired a drunken slur in milliseconds. With all the speed of some sort of blue hedgehog faster than the speed of sound, Sonic darted away. Everyone looked around to see where he went.

"Excuse me," Amy Lee said moodily, and the band broke into song. Very unfortunately, the dreadful quality of the music was heard as a deadly weapon being discharged by the National Guard, and the band disappeared in a hail of smoke and bullets. Sadly, or not, they were all taken to the hospital.

As the National Guard hunted for Sonic, and the other furries tried to disappear, the captain got a call on his cell phone.

"Hello?" he asked grimly.

"Guess where _I _AAAAAAAAAAAAAM!" sang Sonic in a goofy faux-vibrato.

The captain saw a pair of soap shoes with blue legs coming out of them wiggling behind a large banner. Furious, the captain dashed over himself and prepared to get the hedgehog. But when he reached it, the legs went up a few feet… and disappeared. Just as he realized that the "legs" were actually blue sticks, Sonic dropped like an avenging angel on top of him and slammed him through the pavement into the sewers.

"Cause you know I'm rocking DISEMBODIED FEET on you!" cackled Sonic, donning his shoes once more. "I dropped the disembodied feet on your b(bleep) motherf(beep) son of a b(beep) piece of s(beep) shaved-headed A(beep), B(beeeeeeeeeeeeeep)!" Unaware that he was physically saying the word (beep) instead of being censored, Sonic punched a nearby camera for obstructing his profanities. He dashed out, knocking the fingernails out of the National Guard forces along the way. With many an extravagant goodbye speech, he picked up a protesting Shadow and Knuckles by their collars, hurled them into the cargo hold of Tails' plane, and hopped in after them. Still shouting his self-censored obscenities, Tails obediently drove them into the night.

"Well, thank you for getting us in more trouble than could ever humanly be CONCEIVED of, fakir!" shrieked Shadow. "We started the riot, I admit that much. But then you start KILLING fans, openly mock the National Guard, resist arrest, kill some of the National Guard, and flee the scene of the crime! We'll all be in the big house for sure! The G-men will be on our tails within a week!"

"When you said 'humanly,' didn't you mean 'hedgehog-ly?'" asked Sonic slyly.

"ANSWER THE QUESTION!" shrieked Shadow, although he had not asked any. "Why'd you do that?"

"We were in a VERY SERIOUS situation!" said Sonic, winking profusely. "There was this blue guy and he was totally destroying everything, I had to stop him!"

"THAT WAS YOU! How is it physically possible to confuse yourself with an entirely separate person?" roared Shadow.

"I think you still meant hedgehog-ly," Sonic grinned.

"Actually, that time, what he said made sense," Tails observed.

"Get a girlfriend, Tails," said Sonic rudely, although Tails was getting far more consistent action from Cream than Sonic was with, well, anyone. Amy was a disgusting nightmarish horse, Tikal was a ghost, Sally did not exist in the video games that the story is based on, and everyone else was taken. Plus, now that girls were allowed to marry other girls, they wouldn't be forced to get with him as a last resort.

"Explain yourself!" snarled Knuckles, siding with Shadow.

"It was my identical twin Tanya I tells ya!" gibbered Sonic in honeyed tones, stroking his ear-beard. "I did nothing, I say! Nothing! I just wanted to stop Tanya!" Trying to create the impression he was innocent by daubing the words I AM INNOCENT across his chest in paint, Sonic pulled out an obviously forged family tree. It showed Sonic's two parents with a line pointing down from that. The line branched off to two separate people: Sonic and Tanya. Or more accurately, it went straight down to Sonic, while a little arrow drawn in crayon pointed at the letters TONIA, accompanied by a picture of a psycho Blair Witch stickman and the words "I DESERVE THE BLAME, NOT MY BIG BROTHER SONIC!"

"This is about as credible, plausible, believable, factually accurate and enjoyable as your average post-70s SNL episode!" argued Shadow, going unnecessarily out of his way to rag on that piece of crap television show. "Face it, Sonic, you'll have to take the blame for yet another horrible stunt you've pulled!"

"Why does this remind me of the haircut clone incident?" Tails asked. Realizing that a similar event was occurring, Déjà Vu appeared, now visibly exhausted from the number of appearances she'd made in the story so far. Taking advantage of the distraction, Sonic jumped out of the plane and descended to the surface, laughing madly. "I've got a debt to settle with the National Guaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwaaaaaaaaait a minute, is that a-" Sonic began to scream as he fell directly toward a huge sharp stick that threatened to impale him.

"Your mother screamed as she was impaled on a huge-" Knuckles began to chortle, but was soon silenced as Tails went into a dizzying dive. He flew faster and faster, down to Sonic… past Sonic… even _further _past Sonic…

"Wait, what?" Sonic said.

Tails grabbed a cheeseburger out of a pedestrian's hand, leveled out of the dive, and chomped into it gleefully. Shadow was delirious with happiness, seeing that Tails had finally seen the light, as it were. Purely by accident, one of his jumps for joy pressed the emergency net button. Instantly a huge butterfly net shot out of the side of the Tornado. Sonic landed in it.

Most sorrowfully, however, the butterfly net did not simply extend out of the side, it literally shot from the side like a bullet and broke away from the Tornado. Sonic was caught in the net, and the force of the traveling speed caused both him and the net to fly a few feet away from the stake before landing.

"I forgot to perfect the part where I actually am in control of the net," Tails giggled. Shadow was now hopping mad, as Sonic had failed to die gruesomely at the hands of a huge, very handless sharp stick. Fortunately for the violence-obsessed dark hedgehog, the net had pulled Sonic out of the way of the stake into the maw of a massive fanged frying pan. Sonic yelped and howled as he frantically evaded the ravenous frying pan's bloodthirsty pursuit.

Tails shot a lasso to haul him out of there, but regrettably the lasso shot like a bullet as well and landed like a limp noodle in front of Sonic. But the blue hedgehog made use of it, using the lasso to climb up the side of a building. But a gas leak made the building… CATCH ON FIRE! Sonic was soon trapped in a raging inferno.

"Whoa, talk about 'out of the frying pan into the fire!'" Shadow said in a very horrible joke. Knuckles groaned for a full five minutes before tying Shadow's neck in a knot and beating him senseless. Sonic, his fur full of embers and hot coals and sparks singing his eyeballs, climbed out of the burning building into the plane.

"Well, thanks for nothing," he growled.

"Consider it payback for your little dalliances with the National Guard," grinned Shadow evilly. Sonic, not knowing what "dalliances" meant and somehow interpreting it as "Dismally and Listlessly Lounging In A North Carolina Elementary School," tied another knot in Shadow's neck and beat him senseless again.

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Give me an R! Give me an E! Give me the rest of the letters in that word! What's that spell? Any word that starts with R-E! But in this case, I meant review.

To "Deathy Ticklish Fortnight:" I have decided to reply to your reviews with randomosity of my own. Anyway, your crackling porridge was dry full of blistering examples of grilled exuberance with Greek humor! You know what I is saying, doesn't ya? Maybe you doesn't, and maybe you don't. I'm just saying to watch your back rooster in case some rooster hip-hop choirs decide to ambush you on the way to Germane's house. Good luck, or good P.L.U.C.K as some Armenian song-singer types have been know to say. Phone calls are for last-second teapots!


	70. Blood Curdlingly Yours

Sonic Insanity

To Passage Outway Suction Cups, aka "Yogurtless Fugitive Flimpin…": Your randomness seemed to be slipping like the threat of octopi on the subway of my life. The constant repetition of Friik was just unusually ordinary and irritating, or maybe ordinarily irritating and unusual, or perhaps a baked loaf of hypocrisy? By the way, I found "Shame" and "Snowblind" for sale on iTunes, as I might have already whispered to ya. It'd be excellence in a wheelbarrow Herself if you could download those two songs and include them on my tickle-lish (AWTF, mate?) tyke triple-threat CD. A little alliteration there, Bobby! Keep your courage clean and your trophies in a penguin Hoover snapdragon, and it all should be shipshape in three, if not five, senses of the word.

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"Hey, Shadow, could you fetch me a Coke?" Sonic called.

Shadow, spewing curses that seemed a tad strong for the occasion, stood up and strode to the new mini-bar that Tails had invented.

"I hate that faker!" snarled Shadow. "He's as ugly as a rear end on legs…"

"Wouldn't that just be someone's lower body?" Sonic asked.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Shadow, as the minibar scanned his hand for ID to make sure he was old enough to drink alcohol, even though it was only filled with Coke. It gave him one.

As Shadow returned, Sonic pressed a button. Immediately the floor opened up and Shadow fell into a pit that had appeared in the floor.

"Hahahahahahaha!" cackled Sonic as the Coke sailed through the air and landed in his hand. He twisted the tab off and gulped it down merrily, watching a new reality show, THE DINER.

"Tony, could you handle my shift mopping tables? I'll give you the commission; I just… have to go, because of my mother…" gulped Monica, a vulnerable hot young 20-something.

"No worries, I'll be there for you," muttered the somewhat geeky-looking Tony seductively. They kissed, which meant an undying romantic commitment, and Monica left in tears.

Meanwhile, Brian, the waiter, was receiving a request from a customer.

"I can't believe that guy wanted to split the check with his friend! What a snotty upper-class moron!" stormed Brian muscularly. "Hey, Jesse, split the check on Table 8 will ya?"

"Exactly down the middle or by individual food choices?" Jesse, the check writer, called to Brian.

"HEY! Stay away from my girl! I had Vanessa first!" shrieked Brian.

Sonic, disgusted by what passed as TV, shut it off to see a furiously glaring Shadow in front of him.

"Nice of you to drop by," Sonic smirked, as if Shadow's reappearance after the prank was some sort of victory. "How did you get out of that pit?"

"Sonic, it was only three feet deep," seethed Shadow.

"Oh yeah," Sonic remembered fondly. "Here's a good 'your mom' joke: Your mom's so stupid, she tried to look up dirty pictures on a typewriter!"

"Why not just say 'porn?'" Tails asked. "It's not like I can't hear such words- I am a genius, after all. I would have figured-"

"Shut up, Tails," Sonic said rudely. "Who votes that Tails doesn't have any friends?" He raised his hand. "Aye!" Shadow and Tails kept their hands down.

"WHAT?" snarled Sonic at Shadow.

"Hey, I know a friend Tails has," Shadow claimed.

"Who?"

"Santa Claus," Shadow responded. "They're best homies, to my knowledge."

Sonic began to wheeze, cracking up hysterically.

"I don't believe in Santa Claus!" snapped Tails. "Although your mom mistook me for him once. Kept asking me to give her a present…" He finished with a smirk.

"Be quiet, Tails, you stupid virgin," Sonic said.

"I'M 6!" screamed Tails, his fur standing on end. "I'M UNDERAGE!"

"Yeah, Sonic, it's better than still having your virginity and being the age you are now," Shadow said.

"Even that's better than losing your virginity to a sponge soaked in olive oil!" Sonic shot back.

"Hi, friends!" screamed Knuckles with a dull look in his eye, entering the room. "Today we're going to make a decorative mantelpiece out of papier-mâché and a little potting soil!"

"I absolutely refuse," snarled Sonic.

"That's the spirit!" chorused Knuckles. Tails, grinning, pulled a remote out of his pocket. He sat down right outside the door, which happened to be the only exit from the room.

"Tails, let us out of here," prayed Shadow, tears streaming from his eyes.

"Wait, don't all of us only have one eye? I don't know about Knuckles, but all the hedgehog's eyes don't have any fur between them. It looks like we all have just one huge eyeball with two irises and pupils," Sonic observed. Everyone ignored him.

"I got tired of you arguing incessantly, so I'm sentencing you to an arts-and-crafts lesson with Knuckles," Tails grinned.

"Good job!" grinned Knuckles. "Now, boys, we're going to take our §çÍ$$Ø®§, or snipple-whipple-dipper-banana-babies as I choose to call them out of narcissism and misplaced affection for inanimate objects, and-"

"PLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSEEEEEEEEE!" begged Sonic to Tails, who only shook his head with a wicked grin.

"Fine!" snarled Shadow, who bowled Tails over and ran outside. Knuckles lunged forward and grabbed onto his leg. Sonic tried to pry both of them away so _he _could get out, and Tails blocked all three of them. It was shaping up to be quite the bizarre game of tug-of-war when Eggman suddenly dropped in. Literally.

"Eggman!" gasped Tails, as if this wasn't obvious. They all ceased their antics.

"That's right," sneered Eggman. "I was so enraged by your sudden revival, Sonic, that I came back… FULL FORCE! This time, I'm packing heat!" With a flourish, he threw 5,000 copies of the movie Heat with Pacino and DeNiro. They were buried alive.

"Hah! Now I will leave them for dead instead of confirming anything, because they've NEVER gotten out of any of my supposedly deadly traps alive!" Eggman chuckled. "Now, let's bounce." He rolled away, while Metal Sonic smacked his forehead and followed while drinking whiskey for solace.

"Is the coast clear?" whispered Shadow huskily.

"The coast is near, and the toast is clear!" shouted Sonic. A piece of transparent toast slammed into a nearby beach, the signal for them to climb out of the pile.

"I thought we were done for!" said Tails, as if there had been any doubt that they would survive.

"So, what should we do?" asked Shadow.

"Let's go to that beach!" Sonic proposed, wearing water wings.

So they all took their dates and headed to the nearby beach. Tails and Cream flew to the top of the transparent slice of toasted bread emerging from the dunes, sharing a picnic basket and each other's lips. Sonic began to make funky gestures.

"Ah, young love!" he tittered, cackling while shrugging his shoulders, rolling his eyes and wiggling his fingers next to his head all at the same time. Tikal wondered why she was going out with this moron.

Shadow, fed up with trying to get Amy's attention, called for a beach volleyball game. "Who wants to play beach volleyball?" he called redundantly.

Everyone agreed. As Knuckles was very powerful, he went with Rouge and Amy. Sonic and Shadow were on a team with Tikal.

"Go!" shouted a nearby dolphin, who would be refereeing.

Rouge bopped the ball over the net. It went right for Sonic. He dashed for it… and overshot it by a hundred yards, being as fast as he was. It plopped in the sand.

"Nice going, moron!" seethed Shadow, as the dolphin hooted appreciatively at several passing female octopi.

"Lift them tentacles, ladies!" he catcalled, much to the disgust of anyone with a knowledge of… cupcakes.

"I'll get it next time, I promise," Sonic said.

Amy served this time. Fortunately she was really bad and served it right to Tikal. But the ball passed right through her nonexistent body.

Seething mad, Shadow allowed Knuckles to serve it. The black hedgehog had kicked off his rocket shoes so he wouldn't run too far. But he ran too slowly to make it, and Sonic ran too far AGAIN. They collided into each other, and since Sonic was going faster, Shadow was plowed over. The ball landed inches from his outstretched fingertips.

After a few minutes, Team Sonic (or Team Shadow, depending on whether you asked Sonic, Amy, or anyone else) finally got to serve. Sonic served it as high as he could. Rouge easily flew up and slammed it down.

"Easy point!' she said, flying in the air. Her silhouette made her look like some sort of black bird.

"What's she crowing about?" Tails asked from on top of the glass toast.

"Tails, it's hot!" Cream cried in distress. Indeed, the sun's rays were being focused through the glass toast. They hopped off as deadly rays of light shot out. One zapped the ball out of the air.

"I win," Sonic said, taking the credit for his whole team. Tails and Cream picked up Sonic and Amy and flew off, rescuing their two favorite people.

"While we're up here together-" Amy began.

"NO!" stormed Sonic. Tails and Cream flew apart so that the two hedgehogs couldn't reach each other.

This left Tikal, Shadow, Knuckles and Rouge on the ground. Rouge scooped up Knuckles in a trice, but Tikal shrugged before disappearing.

Furious at this treacherous behavior, Shadow ran after the fliers in an attempt to beat up Knuckles. He soon caught up under them, having re-donned his rocket shoes.

"FASTER! FASTER!" screamed Knuckles, urging Rouge on in a rather freakish display. Shadow somehow went off a ramp, catching huge air, and caught onto Rouge. He and Knuckles began to punch and kick at each other, disregarding Rouge's safety.

"Do you _mind?" _she squawked as Knuckles grabbed a curvy but strategic handhold in an attempt to lever himself up and push Shadow off. Suddenly a missile hit her and she went down.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? THIS IS ABSURD! PREPOSTEROUS! INANE! BANAL! OUTRAGEOUS!" shrieked Sonic as they began to dodge anti-aircraft weaponry. Rouge fell down in a big fiery ball, with Knuckles and Shadow still fighting on top of her. Shadow saved everyone, as he has experience in the matter of falling while on fire from high in the atmosphere. This left Sonic and Tails and Cream and Amy up there again, frantically dodging missiles.

"So," Tails said to Cream, "how about them Yankees?"

"Oh, Tails!" she said blissfully. They released their burdens and began to make out in midair, but a missile hit them and they began to fall while still kissing. It was a strange sight, indeed; Tails and Cream falling while making out, Sonic and Amy falling while Amy tried to grab Sonic, and Rouge, Knuckles and Shadow falling with little attention being paid to Rouge's honor as the two male furries battled. It would have an interesting outcome. Actually, it was interesting.

"FLY!" screamed Tails to Cream, and they aerial dived down and caught Rouge, Knuckles and Shadow. It took all their strength to hold the injured parties up, especially with Shadow trying to kill Knuckles. Just as they had it, Sonic and Amy slammed into the whole group and they fell even more.

Shadow grabbed Knuckles and did Chaos Control. They teleported on the ground, but somehow Shadow had misjudged exactly where to teleport and had landed in a barrel of wet cement. Rouge plummeted down, finally free of the groping warriors, and flew to safety. Tails and Cream flew off, leaving Sonic and Amy falling further. Both slammed into either Knuckles or Shadow, embedding the two warriors even further in cement. Everyone else quickly got out before they could be stuck, but the echidna and Shadow were transfixed.

"Well, well, well, things aren't really _set in stone_ as to the finale of this chapter," Sonic smirked, watching as Shadow and Knuckles struggled to free themselves.

"Yes, things haven't been _cemented _yet," Tails chuckled.

"Just get us out of here," Knuckles growled.

"One thing's for sure; this chapter won't be following the _mold _of things much," giggled Amy.

"Well, well, I can say_ firmly _that these guys are a bit _stuck!" _cackled Rouge.

"COME ON!" snarled Shadow, which only provoked more laughter.

"Hey, guys, don't be so _loose, _they can't help their _sticky _situation," grinned Cream, provoking more laughter.

"You might describe it as a loaf of radish bread with multiple hairy garnishes, Thomas Jefferson!"

"Get out of here, Headwater Daddy," snarled Sonic. The offender, making earnest exclamations on the comparative benefits of popcorn and gasoline, leaped away over the rooftops, chuckling insanely.

"Don't worry, we'll get you out," Rouge said to both of them.

"An interesting theory, Rouge, but superfluous," Sonic said studiously.

"But we need to get them free! Or else they'll both be permanently stuck!" Rouge screeched.

"Now, now, allow me to put my own _personal _spin on things. This is my prediction as to how these here events will go down," Sonic clucked, dressed in a lab coat with a pointer. He pulled out an unrelated diagram of a person juggling cans of spray paint. "Now, according to my calculations, Shadow and Knuckles, if not rescued from their partial immersion, will soon either be stuck when the cement hardens… or die from suffocation!"

There was a brief silence, during which everyone was in suspense. Sonic switched his diagram with a new one. This one was of a few photocopies of the pages of Hustler.

"Now, if we believe this diagram to be true," Sonic said, indicating various areas on the centerfold, "we can conclude that it is UNNECESSARY to rescue Knuckles and Shadow. We can simply push them by the heads further into the cement while it's still wet. That way, they will suffocate!"

"We want to still be ALIVE, _you know!" _yowled Knuckles.

"We must all make sacrifices," Sonic said nobly. "Many have suffered in the cause to further scientific research. I myself boldly took it upon myself to rip out pages from my own pooooooorrrrrrch magazines. The ones I keep on my porch. Yeah. So, preparing for full immersion on-"

Steaming mad, Rouge lifted the two men from the swiftly hardening glop. "There, happy?"

"Iiiiiiiiiiin no way, shape or form," Sonic seethed.

"Like you know anything about shape or form," Shadow said, blatantly ripping off the fashion-manners joke earlier.

"A quest, then," Sonic said, relieved.

"Wait, WHAT?"

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Coming up next, a noble quest! Review.


	71. Shadow Goes Off The Deep End

Sonic Insanity

Things take a small twist in this chapter into the realm of epic fantasy! The characters are intentionally emo.

Some bad news, guys: the next chapter will be the last for a while. And no, this isn't a joke like it was on Chapter 64. But I might keep writing it after I take a break. But I'll write more stories probably, so you can read those.

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The wind howled through the streets, seeking closure to itself by swooping through alleys, rattling on windows and rasping through stalks of grass. Sonic the Hedgehog gazed sadly out the window, watching the leaves on the trees tremble in the gale. Despite all his accomplishments, Sonic felt isolated, without anyone to understand him. If he could only prove himself to people in ways that involved him as more than just their icon. They didn't know him…

He sighed and got up, examining the medallion that the Wise Old Man had given him years ago. Ever since he'd received that ancient power, Sonic had felt as if life was slipping through his gloved fingers as surely as the wind outside. He tied the medallion around his neck, glancing blearily at himself in the mirror. An unshaven, broken hedgehog returned his hollow stare. Two gloved hands met, one a mere reflection of life, the other very close to that. Fingers pressed against fingers as Sonic touched the mirror's smooth surface.

"Who am I?" he whispered, as the walls began to buckle and shatter with dreadful force. Sonic sat down amid the cacophony of screeches and crashes, all while wondering when his life had become so cold and devoid of love and light. He put the back of his hand on his forehead, hoping for some manner of adventure to reach him, any kind of excitement.

"Why can't I just have some kind of resolution?" he cried miserably as a seven-foot high demon with burning horns and a scorpion's tail tore through, mauling everything in the room. "Every day feels like the day before it… why must this go on? Why doesn't anything ever happen to me?"

It was unclear what happened then. Perhaps Sonic finally noticed the demon, utterly unable not to be noticed, trashing his room. Maybe he figured out the meaning of life. But in any case, the languishing blue hedgehog leaped up and cried, "THAT'S IT! I'll go over to Shadow's house! Maybe he'll know what to do, now that the Wise Old Man is… dead…" A single tear trailed down Sonic's face like a pearl of suspended tragedy as he left the house, ignoring the evil demon that was now ripping his chairs asunder.

Sonic clutched his traveling cloak tightly about him as he walked against the wind. He had a haversack full of food supplies, in case the 5-minute walk to Shadow's house turned into a years-long struggle for the fate of humankind.

When he reached Shadow's house, Sonic rapped hesitantly upon the door. Shadow was often confused these days. The hedgehog had developed an affinity for inhaling the smoke produced by burning furniture upholstery, which he would either pack in pipes, roll into cigarettes or simply sit in front of while inhaling deeply from the burning stacks. He bizarrely called the upholstery "smoke leaf" and fought for "upholstery legalization." It was unlikely that smoking furniture upholstery was specifically illegal, but whatever.

Sonic entered to find Shadow chopping his couch into pieces and lighting the pieces on fire. Unperturbed, Sonic set forward. "Hey, Shadow, let's go on a quest!"

"Giggle, what kind of quest?" said Shadow, fully pronouncing the word 'giggle' for reasons unknown.

"You know, the kind that will substitute for an actual chapter!" Sonic proposed. "The Wise Old Man's medallion must fulfill its task before I die!"

"All right, all right!" snarled Shadow, filled with the deepest melancholy as he left his drugs behind.

So they went back to Sonic's house to put together some provisions (food). Black, oily smoke could be seen billowing from the sides as they approached.

"My house!" cried Sonic tenderly and ran to it, embracing its burning walls despite the flammability of his fur. As he did so, he saw an orange demon running away from the scene, cackling to itself.

"I KNEW IT!" Sonic shrieked, pointing a finger at Shadow. "_You're _the one responsible for this apostrophe- er, dystrophy-"

"It's _catastrophe, _Sonic," sighed Shadow, "and I was with you the whole time. It was obviously that orange demon running away."

"I'll kill you alive!" screamed Sonic broken heartedly and redundantly. Shadow ran out into the road, but accidentally stepped through a portal in time and space that had spontaneously appeared. Sonic jumped through after him, and they landed over a canal in Venice, falling.

"Outrageous!" screamed Sonic, medallion clutched in hand. "I'll save us- er, me-"

"Have no fear!" cackled Shadow, aiming himself so he landed in a canoe. Both furries plummeted into the boat, seizing the paddles and smacking anybody who objected (like everyone in it).

Shadow, in front, began to paddle with feverish strength, thinking that by moving faster, he would get away from Sonic. Sonic, in the back of the _same canoe _as Shadow, paddled faster in an attempt to catch up. This went on for a great deal of time until someone threw a grenade into the canoe. It exploded just after Sonic and Shadow jumped out.

"Would you care to explain how we're in Venice now?" grumbled Sonic, drying off.

"Must have been a glitch in the system, if I do talk so myself!"

"Uh, Chimp Knob, please excuse yourself, fine dining man," Shadow prayed, looking up at the flaming sky as the sun retreated below the horizon, pulling its cloak of night from the east after it. "Now, we must journey to the elfin city!"

So Shadow and Sonic, armed only with haversacks of corn meal, journeyed out to the elfin city. But unfortunately, they had to pass through the Dangerous Caves of Morgrim.

"AAAAGH, no, no, my leg, let me go, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed a man horribly, being eaten alive by rabid wolves outside the entrance to the caves. "HELP ME!" he shrieked frantically at Sonic and Shadow.

"Oh, someone's gonna be a crybaby, huh?" Shadow sneered as blood spurted.

"Look at the sissy Mary! Let's laugh at the sissy Mary!" encouraged Sonic vigorously, slapping his knees with vulgar amusement. Chuckling, they abandoned the wimp to endure being eaten alive by wolves.

"Did he buy it?" whispered one of the wolves.

"Yes!" cackled the man, who wasn't really being eaten at all. He got to his feet and pulled off a facemask to reveal… King Tails the Sinister!

"Quickly, my wolves! Go feast on those infernal hedgehogs!" Tails encouraged, his voice fluctuating between a gruesome Cookie Monster-like growl and a hideous, piercing falsetto. Such vocal range had never been suspected of any living being before, other than Serj that is. The wolves, oblivious to their master's despicable vocalizations, howled and went in pursuit of the two hedgehogs.

"Enough of this tomfoolery," grumbled Sonic after they'd been running for a half a mile. He pulled out the medallion, clutching it tight in his hand. The engravings in its surface began to glow red with some archaic power. With a muttered spell, red energy welled around the trinket, dividing and touching a wolf each before disappearing. The wolves suddenly caught on fire, yelping and shrieking before drowning in butter.

"Tails must be behind this!" shouted Sonic. "Come, Shadow! To the Dark Fortress of Blackness!"

"I couldn't think of a more racist name myself," spat Shadow, "but I guess I'll go."

So they hiked over flaming mountains and spike-studded oceans and war-torn living rooms and such abominations of the elements, until finally they were outside the fortress.

Shadow attempted to boost Sonic's morale. "Sonic, I know this will be a tough battle, but we-"

"Wait! Shhh!" Sonic urged. Shadow stopped talking, looking around for whatever would have caused this. When he looked back at Sonic, Sonic was just hanging around and looking at the sky.

"Aren't we gonna go in-" Shadow tried to say.

"Shhh! Stop! Don't talk!" Sonic recommended.

"Why not?" Shadow said, getting angry.

"Cause it makes me want to vomit whenever I hear you make ANY VOCALIZATIONS," Sonic reaffirmed, waving his head in disgust. As Shadow went into infuriated shudders, Sonic opened the door to the Dark Fortress of Blackness and skipped inside.

"I bet this will be the easiest thing ever," Sonic cackled. Suddenly flames erupted all around them and hordes of devil demons surrounded the pair of them.

"MMMMMMphh hmmmmmphle grmmmskmsssssssssk," Sonic objected, his voice muffled by his own foot, which was in his mouth. Get it? Isn't that just a gas?

"Sonic! Say something smart!" Shadow encouraged, fending off the demons with blows.

"MMMmphhhhh grlsktsgsssssssk," Sonic tried.

"No! Something INTELLIGENT! It could mean our salvation!" Shadow shrieked fearfully. They were already buried under several hundred demons.

"Wwwwwdssssssss sllllllvvvvssssssssssshhnnnn mmmnnnnnssshhhddddd?" Sonic inquired.

"NOW!" Shadow howled, before his eyes closed forever.

"Grgggggggllll bmmmmmmfrrrrkkkkkkk nnngh!" Sonic snarled. Apparently this had been a smart phrase, because his foot shot out of his mouth with such force that it kicked all the demons away. The demons only came back to kill them, the only difference being that both of them were severely wounded but with no feet in their mouths.

While Shadow fended off the monsters, Sonic moseyed casually out of the scene, hands in his pockets and smiling beatifically.

"What are you looking at?" snarled Shadow while fighting off the creates.

"Not much," Sonic was quick to say, raising his eyebrows at Shadow's suspicious behavior. Easing inconspicuously away from the battle to the death, he pranced distortedly up to the high tower, where the Dark Prince Tails was. He changed his title so often that nobody bothered to use one consistently. Unless they were referring to him in person. Then, if they didn't use his title, he'd cut off… their digital cable access. What did you expect?

Shadow, bruised and bleeding, tottered after him. "How will you know where his room is?"

"I'd recognize the crest outside his door anywhere," Sonic said grimly.

"Yeah, why would the location of the crest have a bearing on your ability to recognize it?" Shadow asked.

"SHUT UP!" screamed Sonic angrily.

Meanwhile, upstairs, His Ignoble Majesty Tails was writing a letter. "Dearest Delilah," he wrote, tears spattering the parchment. "I regret, with all of my heart and maybe 60 percent of my butler's, that I am unable to attend your nude masked ball. As…" He sought the right word. "_Attractive _as the prospect might sound, I actually have to paint my lawn. As such, I-" Suddenly a huge vibration shook the room. Tails' hand jittered and he drew a huge mark across his paper, continuing to scribble uncontrollably over his own writing well after the tremor had stopped.

"KOREAN GROCERS!" he shrieked dementedly by way of a profanity. "What on Earth is going on? I'm consulting my guards!"

Downstairs, Shadow was amusedly flipping the ALERT THE BAD GUY USING A LOUD NOISE OR VIBRATION switch. "Scare tactics are _always _successful!"

"Enough about your ways of coping with alcoholism! Come on!" snarled Sonic as Shadow spat fire with rage.. They continued up the steep flight of obsidian stairs, staying out of sight as guards marched by.

Meanwhile, Tails stomped angrily toward the nearest pair of guards. "GUARDS! Did you see anything suspicious?"

"Oh yes, it was very strange, what just happened," the second guard said, although since he was the first one talk, he should have been called the first guard.

"What happened?" Tails questioned.

"Very odd, too, never saw anything quite like it," mused the other guard slyly.

"What occurred?" Tails interrogated.

"Pretty unusual, too, wouldn't you say?" the second guard asked.

"Aye, and weird at that."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" screamed Tails. "Why am I surrounded by idiots?"

"HEY! Feathered Numerology and Other Culinary Uses For Tutored Bricks is my favorite book ever!" shouted the guard, to prove that he was indeed intelligent. "How dare you question my smartness?"

"Yes, I've written several symphonies on my Disney Playhouse Xylophone myself," the other guard added.

"Time to give it up, Tails, my boy!" Sonic proclaimed, running up the stairs and standing boldly before his nemesis. Shadow knocked out the two genius guards by asking them to read a children's picture book. The mental exertion caused both to collapse.

Tails gasped with fear. "This is the most dangerous situation I've been in since I had to buy groceries at a bowling alley!"

"Yeah, we all know that getting disgusting food, throwing it out and buying regular food again is a situation fraught with peril," snickered Sonic.

"Shut up! Prepare to die!" shouted Tails.

"Hey!" snarled Sonic. "Who are you to make me buy a coffin on such short notice? It's very rude for you to ask me to drop everything and make extensive preparations for my own demise, you know. In fact, I won't even have time to pen a good epitaph, and then the funeral expenses will-"

"SHUT UP! Just _shut up!" _screamed Shadow uncontrollably. "Just SHUT _UP _for once! It drives me insane! You're always TALKING and it doesn't even mean anything! You never say anything that couldn't be deduced by a complete nincompoop! _Time to give up, Eggman! Let's rock and roll! Yeah, time to speed up! _You have nothing good to contribute!" Shadow was clearly nervous, as could be seen by the tears streaking down his face and the furious scream his mouth was contorted into. "NOTHING! _NOOOOOOTHINNNNNNNNNNNG! _Just stop! SHUT UP! I hate you, Sonic! Why can't you just die? You were never interesting! NEVER! You're less relevant and meaningful than the tiniest, most microscopic piece of dust! You ARE DUST! You're INSIGNIFICANT! You're _worthless! _You DESERVE nothing _and yet you have it ALL! Just die! Just DIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" _Shadow let out a wild animal yell and clutched his head in his hands, eyes bugging out all while screaming hysterically.

"Anyway," said Sonic, snickering as Shadow banged his head against the wall. "Where was I? Oh yeah, _give up now or nobody gets hurt!" _He struck a "cool" pose that didn't mean anything.

"That didn't make sense," objected Tails.

"Neither does this!" Sonic snarled, pulling out his medallion. With a burst of light, it flung Tails across the room, where he collapsed as dead as a newly born, fully alive baby.

"Finally, he is vanquished!" crowed Sonic, despite the obvious lack of physical harm to his enemy. Shadow, frothing mad, threw Sonic off the top of the stairs.

"_You _should have had the failing spin-off game!" he screamed.

"Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnyyyyyyyyyywaaaaaaay…" called Sonic on his way down.

"Why'd you do that to him? You had a lot in common!" said Tails.

"We had nothing in common!" objected Shadow. "You better not be implying something sick…"

"I'm not!" Tails said hurriedly. "But you guys were so similar! It seemed as if by doing that, you killed part of yourself…"

"Name some things we have in common," Shadow said with disgust.

"OK, first of all, you're both lightning-fast hedgehogs, you've both saved the world, you both have dark pasts…"

"Except him," said Shadow in disgust. "Shouldn't you be dead?"

"Oh yeah," said Tails, dying.

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Next chapter is the last for a while, guys! Don't get too sad, now.


	72. 1st Anniversary!

Sonic Insanity

I have something kind of sad, guys. This is the last chapter of Sonic Insanity for a while. I figured I might as well put it on hold after I've been writing for a whole year. I may start it up again but if I plan on permanently stopping it, I'll let you know. Anyway, at the end of chapter there will be a song parody to commemorate the temporary end of this fic. Plus, this is the longest chapter yet.

And to "Fellingly Vicious Skyduoser," nobody loves you, and nobody wants to touch your body like that. Thank you for the amended review, though.

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It was a warm day in Knuckles' classroom. Everyone was looking longingly at the clock, waiting for its trill to release them from the last class before spring break.

"Before I let you all out," the teacher declared, "we're going to watch some videos dealing with review, so you won't forget what we've learned. The first one will be about the Nazis, which we covered in January."

"Will we review our current unit or not?" asked Knuckles.

"Calm down, seriously, we can't have you so upset like that in the classroom," the teacher said dismissively.

"I wasn't upset," said Knuckles in the most reasonable tone of voice he could.

"Take deep breaths, man, you don't want to push the teacher over the edge like that," whispered Sonic.

"I'm calm!" Knuckles told them, irritated.

"Whoa, simmer down, buddy!" Tails muttered. He and Sonic winked at each other. Just before Knuckles could explode with rage, the teacher loaded in the Nazi video.

"A killing machine that spread across all of Europe, destroying anyone that threatened them," a grim voice said. "The Nazis were known for their cold-blooded slaughter and racial persecution."

"Yeah, _Knuckles," _sneered Tails. "_Known for their cold-blooded slaughter and racial persecution… _maybe you should think about the way you've been acting lately."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Knuckles asked.

"Danger, Will Robinson, danger! He's gonna erupt!" said Tails in plaintive tones.

"Geez, Knuckles, don't get upset! You seriously have some rage issues to work out," Sonic smiled, elbowing his echidna friend.

Knuckles seethed. The video showed a ghetto (not the current kind, like the ones in Nazi Poland and Germany). The guy on the video began to speak. "Many of the Jews were forced into horrible living conditions by the Nazi oppressors. Almost all of them were impoverished, forced to live so poorly that they could barely afford anything."

"Remind you of anyone, Tails?" Sonic asked, casting Knuckles a glance.

"Oh yeah, you mean Kathy Bates over here? Sure thing, Sonic," Tails snickered.

"What are you implying?" growled Knuckles.

"Take deep breaths and count to ten," advised Sonic.

"I WILL NOT!" screamed Knuckles. "I demand to know why you keep implying that I'm an impoverished ruthless killer and that I need to calm down!"

"How bizarre," smiled the teacher.

"Knuckles!" shouted Tails. "Can you come here?"

"Sure," sighed Knuckles, the flashback ending. He went downstairs to see Tails and Shadow hanging out in a room.

"HEY SHADOW!" yelled Sonic, dashing in. "I just finished writing my ideas for the Maria movie!"

"What?" asked Shadow.

"Didn't you hear? I've been plotting a comeback by producing and scripting a movie about Maria, that girl on the Ark! Here are some possible tag lines."

"Hit me with 'em," Shadow said.

Surprisingly, Sonic did not hit Shadow across the face with the pages. "OK, here we go. Tell me what you think on each of em. Number 1: For this movie, we're gonna need a really WIDE screen."

"What's that supposed to mean?" hissed Shadow.

"Um… we'll count that as a maybe. Number 2: She's showing everyone else how to LIVE LARGE."

"No," spat Shadow.

"Maybe with a tweak here or there," fussed Sonic. "Number 3: It's just your typical story about a fun-loving girl… SUPERSIZED."

An inkling of understanding was leaking through to Shadow's brain. "Um…"

"I knew you'd love it! Let's put that one as ECSTATIC," Sonic proclaimed. "Number 4: When it comes to having fun, she's a real _heavyweight." _

"_What the hell are you implying?" _shrieked Shadow, jumping up. "Maria's thin! She's adorable! What did she ever do to you?"

"Number 5," Sonic went on obliviously, ignoring Shadow's hateful horror. "She's got HUGE plans for life. The pre-tagline could be this: A MASSIVELY entertaining new blockbuster from the same guys that brought you Soul Plane 2: Which Are Funnier, White People or Black People? Number 6: She's showing them that BIG is beautiful. Number 7: Huge, cascading lard rolls of jelly-like blubbery obese-"

Shadow ran down stairs at top speed, ripped the furnace out of the wall, and began to beat Sonic up with it remorselessly.

"So, since this is the last chapter," Shadow suggested as Sonic yodeled with agony, "what do you want to do?"

"How about some music?" Knuckles hollered over Sonic's shrieks.

"Sure," Tails muttered, flicking at the radio. There was nothing good on.

"Bah! I think I'll take another page out of… er… Bong Strad's book and do a rock opera composed of a word from each chapter!" Knuckles snorted.

"You do that," Shadow muttered uninterestedly, turning back to Sonic.

"OK, here we go!" Knuckles yelled, over the cacophony of howls.

Corn dogs

Virgin

McFakington

Lalalalalalalala!

Thor's Hammer of Sigil Storms

And

The

Potato Farmer's Union.

"So much for one word per chapter," Shadow said disgustedly. He was disgusted because everything Knuckles had mentioned was appearing. Virgin McFakington began to sing meaninglessly while performing Thor's Hammer of Sigil Storms, and the Potato Farmer's Union began to protest about corn dogs. Shadow shrugged and clobbered Sonic with an aluminum baseball bat.

The Shoot-Thingy 8000

10. Was trying to chase him,

11. Blasting stuff with water

12. Because you blew up the dance floor!

Suddenly the Shoot-Thingy 8000 began to chase Virgin McFakington around the room, shooting stuff with water. The Potato Farmer's union blew up the dance floor in protest.

13. The Fabled Legendary Poetic Tale Of

14. Angelina Jolie half nude on

15. Jennifer Aniston

16. Seemed suspiciously close to

17. Fanboy Jim

18. While I'm Stoned.

Shadow waited breathlessly for this to appear, while holding his hand over Tails' eyes. Unfortunately, all that appeared was a book with censored cover art, which Brad Pitt quickly pocketed.

19. A quarter mile of Christmas

20. Aliens die in two

21. Mothers of Philosophy!

22. A trough full of white

23. Wingmen remembered several battles that

24. Ballooned to an obese size.

A container of Caucasian Air Force pilots appeared, reminiscing about some fat skirmishes they'd been involved in. A large quantity of red and green extra-terrestrials died under the weight of Mother Nature and Mother Country. Sonic's mother was ignored, although Shadow did volunteer to give her some attention. Sonic got up to try to pound Knuckles, but after his beating he couldn't muster the strength.

25. In an excruciatingly obnoxious

26. Golf course,

27. A fish sweater

28. Made meaningless signals to the

29. Multi-platform Curious

30. Tupperware against the door.

(AN: I'm not even going to try to describe all that.

"Knuckles, STOP! You'll destroy us all!" Shadow shrieked, holding on for dear life as a cattle stampede rushed by.

31. Ron had PMS

32. Using my Rodeo Choir

33. And shooting at ducks. All of them were completely drunk and

34. I hate Ikea! I despise

35. Being a pimp

36. To GET soup, it's to SERVE it

37. On a sparkly rainbow.

Knuckles' eyes were blissfully closed to the mayhem unfolding around him. How his twisted imaginings were becoming reality was beyond any mortal's ability to comprehend. As a soup-serving pimp glided by on a dazzling rainbow, and the others howled at him to cease and desist, he continued his delusions. At least there were less than half the chapters left, if by "less" you mean "only two less."

38. "Oh, pardon my metaphorical

39. Needless news," the newscaster, who was Clan rHrn the dingo-crocodile said, "the right-wingers in Congress are continuing to

(AN: See, Clan? You got that last mention you wanted!)

40. Trust in the heart of the cards!

41. Braille subtitles," Tails said

42. Tripping into a vat of

43. His face in agony.

Suddenly Tails began to involuntarily speak while painfully falling into a large tank of his own face. Knuckles grinned, seeing that he could affect other people in the room.

44. The Sonic crew is conversing to

45. Tomatoes and rotten fruit at the

46. Ice cube tray… _with_

47. A puppy farm! WHAT DID YOU

48. Learn with trench dodgeball, not this wimpy

49. Game Boy Color, which had knocked the judge

50. With tubes and hoses.

It was impossible to describe what came next. All that could really be said was that Sonic, Tails and Shadow unwilling struck up a conversation with moldy vegetables and fruit alongside a puppy farm.

51. Tails' third or fourth worst

52. Ventriloquist's

53. Wind began to howl. This had

54. Run out of creative

55. Dopamine, or 'dope' for

56. Tails, awestruck and trying to

57. Prove that Sonic's mother is a

58. Hot tub full of sulfuric acid.

"STOP! STOP! STOOOOOOOOOP!" screamed everyone, particularly Tails, who had been abused twice. His ventriloquist's wind, whatever that was, was shrieking in his ears, and the feds were trying to arrest him for incorrect scientific theories and drug use.

"Only a few more, kiddies!" Knuckles grinned.

59. A thick stack of quarters between

60. A one-time deal only and

61. A giraffe on roller blades… in

62. The deck catching some big

63. Chairs on cactuses.

64. "I accept your challenge, Lord

65. LINKING RINGS!" hollered Sonic at the top of

66. A coooooouuun-try frog, and his faith-a-ful dog, but the dog had

67. A goat fetus.

"HOLD THE LINE! HOLD THE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- oof!" screeched Shadow as the destructive force of events threw him into a wall. Sonic was busy dueling Lord Linking Rings at the summit of a dog and a frog and a goat child, having re-mustered his strength.

68. That wedding in Alabama

69. Raves about her most likely fictional problems

70. And a little potting soil!

71. SONIC

72. INSANITY!

"When was the word Insanity used in this chapter, except for in the title?" Shadow groused.

"Right there! See, 72. Insanity!" Knuckles indicated. Shadow tried to argue with this, but could not.

"I guess this is the end for a while," Sonic said.

"But don't worry, we might be back!" Tails encouraged.

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"Testing… one, two, four, testing…"

"I didn't know you could count to four."

"Shut up, Shadow! Anyway, this is Linkin Park's "In The End" with different lyrics to close the fic for a while with."

"Yeah, after Eggman made that monstrosity of Papercut, we figured we owed it to the LP guys to make a-"

"Nobody asked you, Tails. Now… ready, go!"

The almost famous piano part came in. The sweet notes trailed over each other sadly as muted scratching came in under it. As it played the fourth time, it temporarily stopped, and Knuckles screamed:

"SONIC INSANITY REMIX!"

It began to play, but at a faster tempo and harder with some serious guitars and bass. Knuckles sat at the drum kit, DJ scratching and pounding away at the kit with both hands like a maniac. He continued to scream "REMIX!" in one drawn-out howl. Tails, unfortunately relegated to being bassist, played the repetitive piano part on the bass. Shadow went into a short solo before crooning gently:

"_It starts with one…"_

Sonic took the microphone, holding it to his mouth.

"One thing- I don't know why, it doesn't really matter how much you cry, deep down inside Shadow's just some guy who really should have died when he…"

"_Fell to Earth…" _sang Shadow, already plotting his revenge in the second verse.

"Power is a wonderful thing, sort of like my ability to sing, and so I'd look like a rapper I gave Knuckles a ring, (here he made a stupid telephone gesture) and he hooked me up with…"

"All his bling…" Shadow was, at this point, rollicking on the floor in undisguised merriment. Sonic gave him a good kick in the ribs. 

"Where did the first chapter go, time won't go slow, the story's no more, it might be back, but right now we don't know, leave it to the author to…"

"_Update slooooooooooooooooooow…" _sang Shadow, singing long and loud under Sonic's raps. The author decided to humor his characters, letting them have their insults. He could always write stories featuring the rude characters dying repeatedly.

"I don't really want to die, though the author tried, to beatmeovertheheadwithahammeranddumpmeinaditchonthesideoftheroadwhileIwaswrappedinbarbedwire," Sonic rapped at extremely high speeds. "What it meant to me, only agony, but a memory of a time when I tried so hard…"

Shadow, tired of Sonic's really, really dreadful rapping, took center stage.

"_I tried so hard, to hide my scars… but in the end, it never really mattered… _ _and Sonic's mom, she was the bomb… even though she's always getting fattttttteeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrr…" _Sonic let out an animal scream of rage. It looked like Shadow would have the last word in the story, at least for a while. As the two of them fought, Knuckles came in with the next verse.

"One thing- I don't understand, how Christmas has been ruined by a jolly fat man! He says he brings presents for the holidays, but in reality he spreads a racism haze! It's only the Christians that get all the loot, while the Jews and the Muslims are getting the boot. Commercialization with gifts in profusion? Where do I sign for the foreign exclusion? So if you're a Christian, than count yourself blessed, but Santa tells anyone else not to mess. It's better to patiently wait for rewards, than mess with S.C. just for your treasure horde. He knows when you sleep, and that sounds like Big Brother. In some Christmas carols, he fools with your mother. So don't take a chance and call him on his game, or else your loose mother will put you to shame. Thank you." Knuckles backed down in respect for Shadow. Everyone was in awe at his amazing rap skills, although they hadn't exactly cohered to the rhythm OR been even slightly relevant.

"_I tried so hard, bla blah bla blah… but Knuckles couldn't figure out what he was talking about… I tried so hard, to shove his head through the skin of his own drum… but in the end, he's irrelevant and stupid…" _Shadow growled, glaring at an unrepentant Knuckles. Tails took up the third and final verse.

"One thing- I'm a rapper's delight, always the best in a lyrical fight, keep this tonight as a sign of our flight, cause we might not see you for a…"

"_Real long time…"_

"This story's being put on hold, but don't assume the worst cause the author's not that bold, what kind of guy would leave his readers sitting out in the cold, after they got him to his eight hundred-"

"_Review goal…"_

"So don't panic, we're still friends, I'm sure the four of us will soon see all you again, and if they know me, and if I know them, we'll be in some new chapters-"

"_In the END…"_

"So step back and watch the show, cause now we got to go, but don't fall apart! What it meant to me is about to be just a memory of a time…"

"_We tried so hard, and… um… tried so hard… but in the end, we tried hard some mooooooooooore… we tried so hard, and did something in the meantime… but in the end, Tails was the only good raaapppeeeeeeerrrr…." _Shadow crooned gently. An orchestral string arrangement that had been lurking behind the scene quickly went into the piano section with string and brass accompaniment.

"_We made you laugh, it's true, pushed as far as we could go," _he sang. "_Through all this, there's just one thing that I knoooooooOOOOOOOOOooooooow!" _A rousing burst from the strings came in, and the crowd cheered.

"_We made you laugh, it's true," _sang all four furries, "_worked as hard as we will know, through all this… there's only one thing you should knoooooooooooowwwwwwwwww…"_

"Maria and Shadow's mom are AMAAAAAAAAZING!" Knuckles cackled. Shadow bellowed and leaped onto his insulter.

Tails took up the chorus. _"We tried so-"_

"HARD!" screamed Sonic, as Knuckles and Shadow flew some heads in the background.

"_To stay so long… but in the end, we'll be back sometime later... we worked so-"_

_  
_"MUCH!"

"_To keep our touch…" _Tails bowed his head sadly. "_But in the end…"_

"_It's never gonna matteeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrr…"_ whispered Sonic hauntingly.

The piano continued to play, and Knuckles and Shadow continued to fight, while they all faded away… into blackness.

"So, who's up for some e-backgammon?" the author asked.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So, that's the temporary end! But don't worry, I might continue. If I don't, you'll see more stories from me! Bye!


	73. The Comeback!

Sonic Insanity

Hey, guys! I got bored and wrote another chapter. Here's the deal: my update schedule will be much less frequent, but I may still write a bit from time to time, all right? Review.

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"Hey, Shadow, what's the worst dream you've ever had?" Knuckles asked. They were seated on the couch, not watching TV or anything, which guys do _all _the time. In sitcoms and gay relationships, anyway.

"Why are you here?" asked Shadow K. Wellington, the noted philanthropist and opthalmophobic.

"Oops, sorry," said Knuckles, the noted imbecile and homophobic. He quickly ran back home, where Shadow was busy doing tricks on a BMX bike in the kitchen sink. Sparks flew everywhere as he did a 720 Madonna grind around the sink's room, and he accidentally cleaved the faucet off.

"Dude, does Sonic know you're doing that?" Knuckles asked as water sprayed everywhere.

"In a manner of speaking," grinned Shadow, gesturing at an irate blue hedgehog that was securely bound to the ceiling.

"Get me down from here!" shouted Margaret Donahue, noted architect and batophobic.

"Oh, sorry," said Shadow, noted moron and levophobic. "Sonic's locked in the basement. Which is a good reason _not _to open the basement, by the way," he added irritably as Knuckles tried to control his stupidity impulse.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE" cried a voice from behind the basement door, the pounds and thuds contributing to the din.

After releasing Margaret Donahue and declining offers of lawsuits and murder for lunch, Shadow and Knuckles seated themselves in leather armchairs.

"So, what's up?" said Shadow, wearing a silk bathrobe and sampling from (read: bathing in) a bottle of brandy.

"I was just wondering," said Knuckles, clad in a smoking jacket and puffing contemplatively at a pipe, "what your worst dream was."

"Oh, I know!" said Shadow. "I remember it like it was twenty days, thirteen hours, forty-eight minutes, twelve seconds, and eighty-three milliseconds ago."

"How oddly specific," grumbled Knuckles. "It's almost as if that was the real time and not some sort of insanely accurate approximation."

"Are you kidding? That's just a basic estimation," cuckolded Shadow, glaring fiercely at the furious red echidna. "Anyway, time for a bash flack!"

"That sounds like some sort of Ben Affleck hating ceremony," mused Knuckles as the flashback began.

Shadow put on his nightwear- a glove with a tiny blue dot on the finger instead of no dot at all. This signified a massive overhaul in personal appearance. Depositing his Chaos Emerald into a small safe that he securely locked, Shadow jumped high into the air and onto the bed, preparing to relax after a long day.

"Oh, you had a bad day, you something and something else, easy listening sucks and I did faker's mom," he crooned in a girlish falsetto. "You kick up the leaves and then somethiHOLYAGJAGIJAFAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

As he hurtled downward toward his bed, the mattress groaned ravenously and sprouted two evil glimmering eyes and a monstrous fanged maw. A cottony tongue slurped hungrily and engulfed Shadow, drawing him into its toothy embrace.

"All my life I've been bounced on, see how YOU like it!" boomed the bed, holding Shadow firmly in its teeth and performing repeated pile drivers.

"THIS IS ABSURD! INSANE! RIDICULOUS! OUTRAGEOUS! INANE!" cried Shadow, fighting tooth and nail to escape the clutches of his living mattress.

"You used the same word twice there, laddie!" roared the bed, who apparently had a bad grasp on consonants. Shadow took advantage of its distraction to apply a choke to it, but the mattress broke free. The room transmuted into a karate dojo, and both combatants bowed deeply before attacking.

The bed lunged forward with a spinning hook kick, which Shadow ducked under before pulling out a katana and slashing away. Feathers littered the ground, but the bed rallied despite its wounds, blocked Shadow's strike with a spear, and dived right at him. Shadow lunged forward, dodged, and impaled the mattress on his sword.

"And now," murmured the mattress, gasping and cloudy-eyed, "for the last adventure any of us will ever face…"

"Death?" Shadow asked sympathetically.

"What did you expect, moron, McDonalds food?" snarled the mattress before dying.

"What's the difference," shrugged Shadow, wiping his blade on the mattress. "You were nice sleeping on, old friend. I'm sorry you turned on me. But I've got a new mattress now, one that I like to call… SONIC'S MOTHER!" On that dramatic note, he dashed away, fell flat on his face, and then woke up.

"And that's where I woke up," Shadow said redundantly.

"I've got one better," said Knuckles, a new flashback beginning. "Or a lot worse, really…"

Knuckles was reading a recipe from a… wait for it… recipe book. (Hilarious, eh?) "OK, three cups of minced cheese leaves, twelve ounces of cream of pepperoni…" He poured these disgusting, hopefully fictional ingredients into a massive sieve. "Oh, and _extra-virgin _olive oil!" He began to giggle uproariously. "_Extra-virgin, _get it? I'm so naughty…" Giving himself little reproving slaps on the shoulder, thighs and stomach, Knuckles pranced over to the cabinet and opened it.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" he yelled at the two bottles of olive oil "cuddling" on a bed. The bed looked distinctly uncomfortable (and similar to the one Shadow had slain).

"Come on, man, I'm twenty-five years old! You wouldn't expect me to _still _be a virgin!" complained one bottle, sitting up and revealing far too much. His companion giggled girlishly and pulled him back down.

"But you're supposed to be EXTRA virgin!" howled Knuckles, scar tissue forming on his eyeballs from the horrific sight of olive oil copulation.

"No, I'm just regular virgin… well, at least I used to be," amended the bottle of olive oil. "Extra-virgin's over there."

Another bottle of olive oil sat in the corner, rocking feverishly back and forth while somehow being unshaven. "Eye on what I'm after… don't…" He hacked into a stained handkerchief, shivering while watching a hot olive oil girl bottle walk by. (Believe me, I never thought I would write that sentence in my life.) "Take just what I… _cough! _Came for… then I'm out the door again…"

"This is exceedingly uncomfortable," proclaimed the bed in an upper-class tone.

"You're a guy, right? And you're a girl?" said Knuckles suspiciously.

"No… WE'RE BOTH MEN! MUAHAHAHAHA!" cackled the olive oil bottles. The bed fainted.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" cried the acutely homophobic Knuckles.

"Just kidding, she's a girl," said another woman olive oil bottle, appearing from under the sheets.

Just as Knuckles was going to enter a severe ethical debate on whether lesbian sex was attractive when the participants were two bottles of olive oil, he woke up.

"Yeah, that sounds like a pretty bad dream," Shadow admitted. "So, it's about lunchtime, what should we eat?"

"Let's find a good restaurant," Knuckles said. "And let's bring Tails."

"Why? Tails is terrible at everything," Shadow argued.

"People will think it's just lunch with the guys instead of a lunch date," Knuckles explained, making a face.

"People will _think _that…" Shadow whispered mischievously.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?"

"OMG, Knux, I wuz jk, alrite?" IM-talked Shadow, giggling childishly.

"Where is the falsetto-voiced wonder, anyway?" Knuckles joked, still giving Shadow the evil eye.

"He's with a therapist," Shadow said. "So you'd better not make fun of him about anything when we see him, or it'll be you footing the bill for his next session."

This last statement was lost on Knuckles. As far as he was concerned, "footing the bill" meant backing up the Bills football team through donations of pizza and girls. "A therapist? What for?"

"He's growing up in a rather dysfunctional household, if you had not noticed," Shadow replied snidely.

"Are you kidding? I'm the most normal person I've ever met!" objected Knuckles, pausing to gnaw thoughtfully at the coffee table. "Do we need to pick him up, or did he drive himself?"

"Yeah, see, that's the thing, he's not allowed to drive until he gets it all worked out with the shrink," Shadow explained.

At the therapist's office…

"You see, Doc," said Tails, "as a child, I never quite got the privileges that I really deserved. I wasn't allowed to have an iPod until I was 18, because my parents were worried about "that awful music on the radio." You can understand the problem, don't you?"

"Yes, although you're still 6 years old," muttered the shrink, folding his notepaper into paper airplanes and flying them around the room.

"Overall, I felt ignored and overwhelmed. Nobody ever really noticed me or cared about me. I felt like a statistic, or a fact, another mouth to feed, another birthday to remember. So I strove to excel in machinery and technology," Tails explained.

"This is really boring," commented the therapist. "Get to the good part, please."

Tails fired the shrink a deathly glare, but he was too busy making little sound effects as he drew a stick figure battle scene on his notebook paper to notice. Sighing, the foxboy went on. "I took classes in applied sciences, quantum physics, nuclear physics and basic design principles. Within a month, at the tender age of four weeks, I had created a-"

"Boooooooooooring," yawned the therapist.

"-jet engine that could exceed the speed of light while compensating for jet lag through an applied osmosis to restore chronological equilibrium," glared Tails.

"I can't hear you! Lalalalalalala! Look at me, I'm not listening!" The therapist got out of his seat and started prancing around like an imbecile, sticking his thumbs in his ears and waggling his fingers.

"_I'm paying you to listen to me!" _screamed Tails, standing up furiously. "Would it inconvenience you too much to provide the service you're legally bound to give me?"

"Na nyaaaah na boo-boo, I hate you!" squealed the therapist, hiding behind his chair. "You can't seeeeeeeeee me!"

Enraged beyond all belief, Tails pulled out a gun and shot so close to the shrink that it left a small burn mark on his face.

Which was right to the side of the ENORMOUS GUNSHOT WOUND in the middle of the therapist's face.

"Er, ah, um, wah," sputtered Tails nervously as the therapist winked at him and died. He walked casually out of the office and into the parking lot.

"Way to go, Tails, you killed the therapist," Knuckles said, as if he had any plausible way of knowing that.

"Knuckles, why are you talking to Tails? We're not even anywhere near him yet," said Shadow confusedly. They were still driving to the shrink's office and they were ten miles away.

"Well, you see," explained Knuckles, "I-"

But before he could make up a ridiculous explanation for how he had known that the therapist was dead and that Tails had killed him, a giant moose with wild eyes darted across the street with remarkable agility and came straight at them.

Perhaps it was the fact that the moose was moving a bit stiffly at the joints. Perhaps it was the giant antigravity machine that enabled the moose to hover. Whatever the reason, Shadow knew something was up, so he gripped the steering wheel tight and floored the accelerator.

"OW!" screamed Knuckles as Shadow stamped on his foot- Knuckles had been driving the car. With many a scornful glance, Shadow threw Knuckles out of the car and drove faster. It looked as if the robotic moose and the car would have a 5,000-mile-per-hour collision all over the interstate. It was then that Shadow wondered if he had been thinking clearly when he initiated this game of chicken.

"Of COURSE!" Shadow exclaimed, a stroke of genius overcoming him. After he had recovered from his stroke, Shadow pressed the OPEN TRUNK button. A giant brick wall that they had been keeping inside the trunk for just such an occasion fell out, landing upright in the middle of the road. Shadow's car somehow sprouted wings and flew out of the deranged mecha-moose's path. And not just typical metal airplane wings. No, it grew three feathery appendages that beat frantically to overcome the efforts of a deformed bat wing that seemed intent on flying back into the moose.

The moose, meanwhile, plowed into the brick wall and exploded. Cars tumbled in all directions and the shockwave decimated buildings miles away, but the brick wall was somehow still standing.

"Ha hah ha… you thought you could beat me!" boomed Eggman.

Shadow, enraged, looked at the moose. Its remnants were strewn all over the highway. There was no way Eggman could have survived that. Then where was he?

Suddenly, the brick wall exploded and out came Eggman, chortling wickedly. The sight of Eggman actually standing and moving of his own volition caused Shadow to have another stroke, from which he recovered with extraordinary speed. Then he fainted, because Eggman hadn't even been standing. Instead, the evil genius had somehow shoved his immense body into a baby carriage, inside of which he sat like the most repugnant infant ever.

"What are you doing?" screamed Knuckles, crawling out from under a tidal wave that had spontaneously appeared on the street.

"Goo goo ga ga!" protested Eggman, trying to appear innocent by sucking on his thumb and widening his eyes until it was likely that it would take him a few seconds to blink.

"Oh,_ SHUT UP!" _screeched Shadow, massively enraged at this inconvenience. "You can't just avoid being captured by acting like an innocent child!"

"Why not?" challenged Eggman, adjusting his frilly bonnet in such a way that it made him look even more revolting. "Count Olaf acted like a pregnant woman in the thirteenth Series of Unfortunate Events book-"

"Which was the most anticlimactic end to any series in the entire world," said Shadow with disgust, obviously not channeling the author's personal opinion in any way, shape or form.

"So why can't I act like a baby?" inquired Eggman, sucking from a baby bottle between complaints. This would have appeared more innocent and infantile if the bottle was not emblazoned with the label SLIPPERY JAKE'S GRADE-J TEQUILA- AVAILABLE AT THE DOLLAR STORE, which was scarcely hidden under a hastily applied paper bag.

Shadow and Knuckles looked at each other. "You know, confining yourself in such a tiny baby carriage might make it hard for you to escape if anyone _were _to suspect you- you know, like two highly reliable heroes like us."

"Yeah, I know, but what are the chances of that happening?" Eggman asked obliviously, now with two ladies on each arm.

"Much lower than the odds of you being mistaken for a toddler," said Shadow with profound disgust.

"Nonsense!" snarled Eggman around a cigar. "Stroller, _fly!" _Suddenly the stroller sprouted three helicopter propellers, the blades of which immediately hit each other and exploded. There was a very awkward silence after this, and the ladies looked unimpressed and began to disperse.

"Wow," uttered Shadow eloquently, totally amazed by Eggman's lack of foresight.

"SHUT UP!" said Eggman, ingesting two grams of aspartame from a plastic bag for solace, much to Shadow's shock and Knuckles' envy. "I'll get out of here irregardless of the consequences!"

Suddenly Shadow turned into Grammar Shadow, who only appears in the face of such horrible grammar as what Eggman had just utilized. He picked up a propane fuel burner and chucked it at the stroller.

Just then, Eggman's baby bonnet expanded into a hot air balloon, and the propane burner caused him to raise into the air. This was the first time that such an easy setup for an explosion had been rejected in the story.

"_You idiot!" _shrieked Knuckles. "Now he'll get away!"

"Not for long, laddie!" shouted Shadow, as if Eggman would have ever actually gotten away from them if they were to get him back again in such a short period of time. Wait, had any period of time been specified? Never mind. Shadow beckoned and his car, which had sprouted two fox tails in addition to the bird wings and the bat wing, came down out of the sky.

"Hop in!" shouted Tails, who was at the wheel. Apparently the driving controls controlled the wings, despite the fact that the car was no longer relying on the power of the motor to run. Shadow and Knuckles got in, not asking how Tails had gotten control of their car or how his tails were outside of the car while he was inside, and they flew off to engage in intense aerial combat with the stroller balloon.

"How did you get away from the therapist?" asked Knuckles suspiciously.

"Er… let's just say he met the same end as my _last _therapist," Tails confessed.

Flashback…

Shadow had watched Super Size Me and, in a fit of paranoid lunacy, sent Tails to a rehab clinic to be made more thin, despite Tails' diet of rice and salad that he had eaten since he was three. Now Tails sat in a classroom with eight immensely overweight children and an anorexic Russian spy who was taking notes on everything while justifying her presence by saying she was fat. Apparently she thought that the presence of so many fat children at once could only mean an imminent nuclear attack. The only reason she hadn't been kicked out of the class was because the fat kids were occupying too much space for her to get out.

Tails sighed, being the only person in the classroom who was neither Russian, overweight or totally insane. The instructor, who was fatter than any three of the overweight boys put together, was not doing anything to help them. In fact, he was running his hands over his own body while barking about how he wasn't at all overweight.

"See, the problem with me teaching this class," the instructor commented around his massive walrus mustache, "is I've never been fat enough to know what it's like. Look at me! I'm a fine, slim figure of a man… just like you, my little lotus blossom." He winked fondly at the Russian spy.

"Um, I'm a woman," she lied, forcing her voice into a high falsetto.

"Oh… in that case, I meant you, Jeffrey," the fat instructor continued without breaking stride, grinning obscenely at a terrified fat child toward the back of the room. "Now, what was I saying? Oh, yes. Just look at me, with my slender, muscular build and flat, supermodel stomach!" He patted his own massive belly.

"The problem here is," he continued, "Is I can't understand your predicament! Come on, FATTIES, tell me how you feel! What's it like to be FAT? Yuk yuk yuk!" He chortled deeply, and Tails began to feel as if something was wrong. "What's it like to have that latticework of fat cells coating your frail frames in a magnificent excess of glucose and carbohydrates? Does it tickle your funny bone to know you're encased in such a soft… frankly, _delectable… _padding of fat particles?"

"Your mom was encased in padding… and that was _before _we took her to the mental hospital," smirked Tails.

"What's your favorite band?" asked the instructor unexpectedly, instead of getting mad.

"Um… Guns and Roses, how about you?" Tails asked.

This really threw the instructor for a loop. He had apparently been trying to set up a your-mom joke, but it hadn't worked. "My favorite band is… OK, six minus eight, carry the one… oh yeah, I know! The Lobster Tail!"

"That's not a real band," Tails objected.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," sneered Instructor Jeremy.

"_How do you just FORGET that your favorite band is totally made up and doesn't even EXIST?" _shrieked Tails.

Just then, the flashback ended, and they were back in the flying car. Eggman had shot a missile at them, and Tails had been distracted.

"Get ready for some fast driving! HOLD ON!" screamed Knuckles, although he hadn't even been driving. Shadow fired him a strange look, launching a few missiles at Eggman.

Just then Sonic, who was still mad about being locked in the basement, somehow jumped into the car and knocked the stuffing out of Shadow. The car tumbled to the ground, and Eggman smirked at his tremendous skill in combat before flying away.

"I wonder if the car will run out of gas again," muttered Tails as Sonic and Shadow somehow fought inside the falling car.

"No… gas prices will go up, and since we won't have enough money to afford the gas in our tank, it will be taken out by federal agents!" screamed the band The Lobster Tail, who was falling down next to them while playing a 6-minute guitar solo.

"I told you so!" cackled Instructor Jeremy, who was tumbling next to them while looking even fatter than before. Apparently he had eaten all the other students in the class. "I told you they were a band, but you wouldn't listen!" Tails, getting an idea, pulled everyone out of the car and used Instructor Jeremy as a large fat cushion to break their fall.

"OK, so that was a ridiculously action-packed chapter," said Tails, ducking as The Lobster Tail's lead singer fell with a shriek.

"How did you avoid that by ducking? You weren't moving any part of your body any further away from that guy," Sonic growled.

"Um… lamp tea physics," explained Tails. They drove the car back home, which was not harmed in the least (so they didn't really need to use Jeremy at all) and sat down.

"So what should we do now?" Sonic asked.

"Well, this chapter is plenty long. Let's get back together for a Halloween chapter," Knuckles suggested.

"Um… maybe not," Shadow muttered. "I don't really like to publicize our celebrations together… maybe we should just stop, you know?"

"Your mom and I don't like to publicize our celebrations together, but we certainly didn't stop," snickered Knuckles, who was immediately hit in the face by a fistful of Shadow fist. However that worked.

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So, maybe there will be a Halloween issue, and maybe not. Either way, review!


	74. Tails Has The Last Laugh

Sonic Insanity

Here's the Halloween special, people, a bit early R-v-w.

To playstation14- I'm working on it, just not as fast as I once did.

To Ann Coulter- love your work.

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"I say," declared Shadow, standing up in front of an unimpressed Tails, Sonic and Knuckles, who were all sitting outside at their picnic table eating lunch, "that there is nothing mystical, spiritual, demonic, occult, magical, mysterious, unusual, unlucky, coincidental, creepy, spooky, scary, horrific, frightening, supernatural, numinous, or weird in the slightest about the holiday of Halloween… NOTHING!"

Then everything went so dark that nothing could be seen whatsoever.

"Perhaps the sun went behind a cloud," proposed Tails nervously.

"Or someone turned the lights out," suggested Shadow brightly, although they were outdoors and it was high noon.

"Or Shadow just jinxed us all with his ominous predictions," Knuckles grumbled.

"Ominous! That's the word I was looking for," Shadow said, apparently believing that his long list of synonyms for "scary" was still too short.

"What? Did you just say _Shadow just shanked us all?" _bleated Sonic, white with terror. Somehow he had the power to turn albino randomly. "We're all doomed! Save me first! I'm most important!" He dithered for a moment, then dashed head-on into a tree.

"More for me," shrugged Knuckles, devouring Sonic's lunch while appearing wholly unconcerned about the odd darkness.

The light slowly faded back, as if the sun had realized that the only people scared of the current situation were an unconscious person, an effeminate midget, and Shadow the Hedgehog. Apparently nobody else in the entire town had been even slightly perturbed.

Sonic walked in with a pile of newspapers.

"What are those for?" asked Knuckles nervously, remembering the Sticky Chaffinch Incident of 83.

"Why did you remember that incident? It didn't involve newspapers, or even Sonic for that matter," Shadow scolded him.

"How did you know I was remembering that?" Knuckles asked suspiciously.

"I read you like an open book!" leered Shadow. Before anyone could ask what exactly Shadow intended to communicate by saying this, Sonic slammed four pumpkins down upon the spread-out newspapers.

"These are our jack-o-lanterns," he explained, trying to smash Shadow's in with a sledgehammer. Shadow teleported his pumpkin to safety with Chaos Control, and Sonic ended up smashing his own table.

"I'm gonna carve Rouge on mine," said Knuckles pompously.

"All right, I'm carving Knuckles' mother on mine," Shadow proclaimed.

"Guys, I think you're supposed to scoop the filling out of your pumpkin first," suggested Tails.

"Shut up, Tails. What would you know?" asked Shadow arrogantly.

"I think that's the way you're supposed to do it, Shadow, that's how you put the candle inside the pumpkin," Sonic explained.

"Journalists often defend the underdog in an attempt to put a more personally beneficial spin on their story," spat Shadow, as if Sonic was a journalist. "I'll stick with the basics."

"Suit yourself," shrugged Sonic, somehow conveying what he meant through the raising of his shoulders. He pulled out the glop inside the pumpkin and threw it into a pie tin. Knuckles and Tails followed suit.

"_Now _what heretical conspiracy are you following? You're being brainwashed by Sonic's loony nonsense, you know," Shadow declared severely, tracing lines on his pumpkin where he wanted to cut.

"Making pumpkin pie is not _loony nonsense," _grated Sonic, who seemed to be the only one willing to defend his opinions.

"Oh yeah?" challenged Shadow belligerently. "What are you going to do with the seeds? You can't have pumpkin pie with SEEDS in it!"

"That's why we _TOAST _the seeds _separately!" _growled Sonic, indicating a bowl of seeds that had been separated from the orange pulp.

"Oh yeah? Well, at least my mother isn't a Neanderthal!" shrieked Shadow, pulling out his pumpkin carving knife and brandishing it threateningly.

"_What?!?" _snorted Sonic, standing up with malice in his eyes and pulling out a switchblade. "At least my mother isn't the consolation prize for people who try to sneak across the US-Mexican border and fail!"

"At least my mom doesn't braid the hair on her back!" Shadow snarled, pulling out a dagger.

"At least my mother doesn't have a ticket booth outside her bedroom door!" Sonic retorted, getting out a pair of sais.

"At least my mom doesn't have to replace the springs in her mattress every four days!"

"At least my mom hasn't grown an immunity to STDs!"

"At least my mom is related to me!"

"At least my mom and dad aren't first cousins!"

"At least my mom and dad weren't the horny teen couple in all the Friday the 13th movies!"

"At least my mom and dad weren't the horny teen couple in all their honeymoon videos!"

"At least my mom and dad are married!"

"At least I didn't marry my mom!"

"At least my mom doesn't name her body parts!"

"At least my mom doesn't get arrested so she can go to woman's prison!"

"At least my mom doesn't get arrested so she can go to juvenile detention center!"

"At least my mom doesn't have three pimps!"

"At least my mother doesn't get pregnant just to earn food stamps!"

"At least my mother didn't go home with the pizza boy as a tip!"

"At least my-"

"SHUT UP!" shrieked Tails, slamming his fist on the table.

"I agree," lied Knuckles, who was putting a top hat and a cape on his mustache for some reason.

Sonic and Shadow looked at each other. They had been pulling increasingly large blades from increasingly improbable locations, until Shadow was now wielding a jackhammer the size of the table and Sonic grasped a massive Grim Reaper scythe with a spiked handle. Both reluctantly set to work trying to cut their pumpkins using these enormous implements.

"I pity you," sneered Shadow as Sonic tried to pull the spikes out of his hand from the pointy handle of his scythe.

"Likewise," grinned Sonic impishly as Shadow's jackhammer fired the pumpkin across the room, where it hit the large statue of Shadow that its inspiration had purchased lately. The statue shattered into suspiciously small fragments.

"That's suspicious," Sonic muttered needlessly. He recalled what he had seen earlier that morning… a flashback began.

An unshaven Sonic wandered down the stairs. He was trying to grow a beard, which meant that the tan skin around his mouth was now just blue like the rest of his body. "Heh, being awake before everyone else is great, if you ignore all the downsides. Shadow's not around to keep me from defacing his statue! Prepare to be de-faced!" Sonic pulled out a large knife, obviously with the intention of cutting off the statue's face. Get it, like de-face… oh, never mind.

Anyway, Sonic threw away the knife and pulled out some spray paint and graffiti tools. Just as he was about to set paint to statue, he heard muttered whisperings from the statue.

'This better not be one of Eggman's ludicrous plots to spy on us," grumbled Sonic. Why Eggman even bothered to spy on the heroes was not clear, seeing as they never did anything to Eggman unless provoked and whenever he did anything that might provoke them and might be better kept secret from them if he wanted to succeed, he sent them a letter of notification. Anyway, Sonic listened to the statue, until he realized with surprise that it was actually individual pieces of the statue speaking.

"All right, boys, is everyone clear on the plan?" growled a gravelly grain of granite alliteratively.

"There are women here!" shrilled a feminine voice.

"And men," said a masculine voice redundantly.

"Nobody likes a politically correct person," grumbled the gritty granule of granite.

"We're not people, we're mineral particles," clarified another voice.

"_SHUT UP! _Now, does everyone know the plan? At the slightest provocation, we disperse at great speed until nothing remains but a massive pile of useless sand!"

"At least my mom isn't a massive pile of useless sand," argued Sonic.

"HIDE!" cried the gravelly voice, as if a massive statue of Shadow could conceivably conceal itself.

"Wouldn't that count as the slightest provocation?" asked another voice.

"There are women here!" insisted the girl grain, as if there had been any further assumption otherwise.

"SILENCE!" screamed the gravelly voice again. Sonic ambled into the kitchen, vowing never again to watch his screensaver for six hours while drinking Hennessy.

"That was a rather obnoxious flashback," commented Knuckles as it ended, while Shadow's head combusted with rage at the treachery of his statue.

"Guys!" announced Tails. "I've finished my pumpkin! It depicts the historical event of the Goths sacking Rome!"

"Goths used to be the name of some sort of tribe," Sonic explained to Knuckles, as if anyone cared exactly what Tails' undoubtedly boring jack-o-lantern would be. Tails smiled broadly and turned his pumpkin around.

It showed, not a group of tribesmen attacking Roman citizens and soldiers, but something else entirely. It showed a bunch of emo, 20th century-style gothics quivering with terror at the mere notion of war and fighting while a bunch of Romans gleefully massacred them. How Tails had wrought such ornate detail in his small pumpkin was not clear, but that was unmistakably what it was.

"Nice detail," admitted Shadow grudgingly as Sonic keeled over in demented laughter. "You can even see the CD that dead gothic girl was listening to."

"How are yours coming?" asked Tails as he put an electric light bulb inside his pumpkin to light it from within.

"Pretty good," declared Knuckles. "See, look how much detail I put into it."

Tails looked over and felt sick. Knuckles had drawn a fairly decent graveyard with zombies staggering around, with the letters GIVE ME YOUR CANDY written across the top.

"Um, good job," he said weakly, trying not to appear horrified.

Knuckles turned to look at his pumpkin to see, as Headwater Daddy would incorrectly say, "a scene of true contempt." The zombies were now all holding dishes full of ice cream and bowing down around a statue of Knuckles that was holding a tub of ice cream on high. Added to the words GIVE ME YOUR CANDY was the addendum BUT IF YOU HAVE ANY NEAPOLITAN ICE CREAM, THAT'S EVEN BETTER.

A vein bulged in Knuckles' forehead. "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" he howled until his throat couldn't bear the scream any longer. He flailed around in utter rage. "WHAT is WRONG with NEAPOLITAN ICE CREEEEEEEEEEAM?!?!?!?!"

"Surely you can't believe _I _did it!" protested Shadow and Sonic in unison.

"LOOK AT THAT!" screamed Knuckles, jabbing a finger at the statue of himself. As his scream faded out, he heard odd speech coming from his pumpkin. He bent down to listen, urging everyone else to come.

"All right, just as we planned!" snarled the same gravelly voice that Sonic had heard from Shadow's statue. "At the slightest provocation, the pumpkin molecules around the border disintegrate and disperse! The less likenesses of those infernal furries the better!"

"There are women here!" complained the area lining the statue's foot.

"SHUT UP!" cried the gravelly voice.

"That's bizarre," said Tails. "How are yours going, Sonadow?"

As everyone stared at him with disgust and horror, he shrugged. "What? It's just a port-manteau of their names."

As Knuckles took Tails aside and tried to tell the fox what Sonadow meant without actually explaining it, Sonic and Shadow looked at each other's jack-o-lanterns.

Sonic had wielded his reaper scythe very efficiently, carving the Mona Lisa with two devil horns on his pumpkin. After Shadow was done laughing at how stupid and not scary this was, they both looked over at Shadow's pumpkin.

It was a total mess. Seeds were splattered all over the outside, the skin was scarred and torn as if it had been thrown through a thorny bush, and the only real carving was a massive crater that Shadow had ineptly created using the jackhammer.

"Er, _good job, Shadow," _Sonic stressed, patting Shadow on the back.

"Is there anything wrong?" inquired Shadow ominously, reaching for his Chaos Emerald.

"Oh, no! Nothing, heh, wrong," gulped Sonic, fearing for his life.

"Now for costumes!" said Tails. "And we'll roll the dice on who is forced to give out candy."

"OK, let's do that first," Sonic said. "We'll roll some dice and whoever is closest to that number has to stay. I choose two."

"Twelve," Shadow declared.

"What? Oh, fine, eleven," groused Knuckles, unhappy that the two furthest ends of the spectrum had already been selected.

"Seven," said Tails.

"That's the most likely to be rolled, you know," Shadow warned.

"I know," said Tails, happy for some reason. They rolled the dice. The first one came up six. Sonic sighed with relief, though everyone else watched nervously.

The second die was slower. It teetered from five to six, five to six back and forth until it landed heavily on… two.

"Eight is closest to seven, Tails, you have to stay," Knuckles declared.

"I know," Tails repeated.

"And you can't just stay in your workshop, you have to actually give out candy," Sonic clarified.

"I know!" Tails insisted.

It was then that the three others, had they been more observant, might have picked up on an infuriating conspiracy. However, they merely shrugged, told Tails where the boxes of candy were, and changed into their costumes. As the sun went down at unsurpassed speeds (from noon to sunset in 2 minutes), the three trick-or-treaters emerged.

Sonic was dressed as Stewie from Family Guy. Knuckles was disguised as Snoop Dogg. And Shadow wore the garb of a hippie.

"See ya later," they shrugged, leaving the house. Tails grinned and sat down, a bowl of candy by his side.

"Any minute now," he grinned as they left.

"Why do you think Tails was so happy about staying? It's almost like he wanted to," Shadow inquired, brushing his tie-dyed quills out of his eyes. He was barely recognizable in the dark.

"I don't know, but it's weird, whatever it is," interjected Sonic, trying to walk between two trees and getting stuck due to his football-shaped head. "We're getting all the candy, all the fun, all the girls…"

Little did they know that Tails would have the last laugh by the evening's end. But that's another story. Well, actually it's this story, but it'll wait.

Sonic rang the doorbell of the first house. A woman walked to the front door and opened it.

"Trick-or-treat!" they chorused. "Give us candy!"

"You should be ashamed of yourselves!" she snapped. "Adults, plundering candy! This is a holiday for children!" She slammed the door.

"Ah, well, she's probably just in a bad mood," shrugged Sonic. They moved on.

Sometime later…

"Why, oh _why _didn't we bring Tails along with us?" grieved Sonic, tears streaming down his face. This seemed a bit of an extreme reaction to the situation of getting no candy. However, every house they had gone to had refused to give them candy. Well, except for Amy, but they weren't in her neighborhood yet.

Knuckles was not listening. He was busy composing freestyle raps. "If you're looking for a hustler there's no one better, I'm not like other rappers, unravel like a sweater, I'm basking in the glow of my hard-earned cheddar, use Benjamins to test out my new paper shredder…"

"PAPER?" snarled Shadow the hippie. "Hemp is where it's at! And how'd you earn all that money? From the _Man?"_

"Hey, I hate the police! And the feds! And the government! And the white man!" growled Knuckles, pulling out a gun. "What are you accusing me of?"

"GUYS! Stop it! We aren't getting anywhere," Sonic barked. "Let's go to Cream's house, I hear all the girls are gonna be there. Having a party, I think."

"Finally, some rewards for our hard work!" shouted Knuckles joyously, firing his gun in the air to celebrate. Shadow grabbed the gun from him and threw it down a manhole.

"I hate violence!" he whined. Knuckles smoldered with fury, but they walked off weaponless to Rouge's house.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tails was having phenomenal success. Everybody loved his jack-o-lantern so much that they were actually giving _him _some of their candy. Tails chortled as he gorged himself on chocolate, wondering whether Sonic, Shadow and Knuckles were having fun.

Tails took a brief break to go to the bathroom. When he was in there, he heard some people at the door. As he returned, he saw them walking away with disappointment.

"What luck!" he crowed. He had managed to avoid giving out huge amounts of candy to the greediest kids on the block. As he inspected his own stash of candy, the doorbell rang again.

He opened the door to see Amy, Rouge and Tikal. "Hello, ladies."

"Trick-or-treat!" they chorused, laughing. Rouge was dressed up as a policewoman, Tikal as a schoolteacher, and Amy as a ballerina.

"I thought you would be at Cream's party," Tails smiled, dispensing candy among them.

"Oh, you know," grimaced Rouge, toying with a curl of her hair, "it was OK, but Big and Froggy and her Chao were being really annoying, so we just decided to leave. She has plenty of other guests, don't worry."

"I thought you'd be over there!" Tikal declared. "After all, you and her…"

"Yeah, we might not be going as strong," Tails confided. "Plus, Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow forced me to stay here. They're going trick-or-treating, so I have to stay and give out candy." He did not mention that he had very willingly decided to stay.

"Oh, poor Tails!" gasped Amy, giving him a hug. "Sonic shouldn't have done that! You want us to stay? We've hit almost every house by now."

"Sure, come on in," Tails grinned, receiving hugs from the other two ladies. It was appearing to be a very successful night.

However, Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow were not having any success at all. They had taken a taxi to Cream's house, but it had been very awkward and uncomfortable since Eggman was driving the taxi as part of community service. After he ungraciously deposited his passengers in a swimming pool, the sodden heroes ran the rest of the way Cream's house, only to find nobody there except Big, Cream, Froggy and the Chao.

"Come stay with us! We'll make a jigsaw puzzle!" Cream pleaded as the trio stormed out, enraged that this Halloween was shaping up to be the worst one yet.

"_Where _are the girls? I need some old-fashioned loving!" Shadow protested.

"You WOULD need love, _hippie!" _shrieked Knuckles. "I'm a gangsta! We gangstas don't love anyone, especially not our ladies! I got so many ladies, I use 'em to test out my new paper shredder!"

"I will not ask how that works, I will not ask how that works," vowed Shadow, repeating his mantra through gritted teeth.

"Guys, forget it," Sonic grumbled. "Let's go back home. At least Tails is having a less fun time than us, and we can bully him into giving us the leftover candy." They ran back home, unaware that Tails was having a far better time than they could dream of.

Back at Sonic's house…

"So how are things going with you and Cream? Not really well?" inquired Amy sensitively, nuzzling Tails' cheek with her lips.

Tails, whose relationship with Cream was better than ever, shook his head piously while slipping his arm around Amy's waist. "Oh, you know, we're just sort of developing different interests. I guess I'm looking for a little more in my ideal women… er, woman."

"Want a piece of candy, Tails?" asked Rouge, who was lying on the floor with candies on her stomach. Tails reached out for one, but she slapped his hand away. Tails picked up the candy with his tongue from her stomach and somehow removed the wrapper the same way, and Rouge smirked.

"So how are things with your boyfriends? They don't really tell me much about that," Tails grinned when he finished the candy.

"I'm tired of Shadow!" objected Amy. "I mean, he's nice and all, but he's not like Sonic. But even Sonic…" She sighed dramatically, leaning into Tails.

"I know what you mean," Tikal stated, lying down with her head in Tails' lap. "Sonic isn't really what I'm looking for in a relationship." Tails took the wrapper off of a piece of candy and placed it into her mouth, taking his time in extracting his fingers.

"Knuckles isn't right for me either," Rouge declared, standing up and sitting on Tails' lap. Tikal moved her head away with a disapproving squawk. "He's just too… he won't let me know about him. You'd let a girl get close to you emotionally, wouldn't you, Tails?" She turned around in his lap so that she faced him.

"Not just emotionally," murmured Tails. He hadn't seen this kind of action since his pimping escapades in Chapter Four. "I'd want a girl to be connected to me spiritually… mentally… and physically…" He smiled widely as Rouge pressed herself tighter to him. Amy and Tikal moved in on his sides, and Tails prepared for probably the first furry four-way kiss in all of history…

"Tails! We're home!" grumbled Knuckles from the hall. Rouge looked around in panic, as did Tikal and Amy.

"We didn't do very well," sighed Shadow theatrically. Tails quickly directed each girl to a hiding spot and sat down as if he had been lonely and ignored the whole evening.

"How did you do?" said Sonic as the three male furries entered the room.

"Oh, not too bad actually," said Tails lightly. "There were a few perks here and there… three of them, in fact."

"All right, as long as you weren't bored," said a totally oblivious Shadow. The three men walked away to lament their bad luck.

"See ya later, Tails," whispered Rouge seductively as the three women left, each giving him a long drawn out kiss.

"This is the best Halloween ever!" smiled Tails, digging into a bowl of candy.

"This is the worst Halloween ever!" cried Knuckles, Shadow and Sonic morosely.

"This is the fattest Halloween ever!" wailed a man inside Eggman's taxi.

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Due to pressure to release this before Halloween, I wrote 7 pages in one day. Review.


	75. Knuckles Needs To Be Stopped

Sonic Insanity

Here's a little poem:

75th chapter,

You know what to do,

Ar-ee-vee-eye

Ee-double-you! (That spells REVIEW.)

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It was a time of immense celebration in Sonic's house. The Democrats winning back the legislative system, coupled with Donald Rumsfeld's resignation, had been greeted with cries of "PRAISE ALLAH," "Who ate my pizza?" and "So _that's _what she does in her spare time!" Shadow and Sonic, for once not at each other's throats, were the spirits of cordiality, conviviality, cooperation and other co words. They had decked the halls with Democratic signs and were currently making up unfortunate demises for Karl Rove.

Tails was not really old enough to be affected much by politics, but he was so happy that Sonic and Shadow were getting along that he also participated in the festivities. Indeed, there was only one person in the world who seemed upset by this news, and that was Knuckles. The echidna had sat in an armchair all weekend, perfecting his gangsta scowl while staring into space and listening to Trick Daddy.

"Knuckles, Donald Rumsfeld had nothing to do with your right to have guns!" Sonic explained for the eight hundredth time. "You won't have any more of a chance with whatever new guy they get!"

"He's the Secretary of Defense!" argued Knuckles. "They'll just make a concession to dem Dems and get some liberal pansy who sends his daughter to therapy for playing with Barbie dolls!"

"It's the defense of our country against foreign nations, and it has nada to do with the 2nd Amendment!" Shadow grumbled.

"Right! Wouldn't we be better defended against other countries if we were all carrying guns?" Knuckles demanded.

"Rumsfeld wasn't doing that anyway! If you have so many bright ideas, why don't you become Secretary of Defense?" snapped Shadow.

Knuckles sat stunned for a moment, puzzling over this in his mind. He leaped up after ten minutes. "I'VE GOT IT! In my infinite genius-ism, I, Knuckles the Echidna, have composed a daring plan!"

"And?" asked Tails, who was busy coloring in the squares on a Rubix Cube to make it look as if he had gotten it right.

"I will run for Secretary of Defense!" Knuckles bragged.

"Firstly, Knuckles, by the time this chapter is published the guy will almost already have been chosen," explained a lampshade, which was somehow more qualified to talk about politics than anyone else there.

"Secondly," Shadow interjected, inconspicuously stuffing the lampshade down the garbage disposal, "that was _our _plan."

"Lastly," Sonic began.

"Hey! What if I have something to say after you?" Tails whined.

"You don't count," Sonic said rudely. "Anyway, lastly, you don't run for Secretary of Defense. You get chosen by the President! And believe me, GWB isn't looking for someone involved in black culture!"

"What about Condi Rice?" Knuckles inquired aggressively.

"She's just the token black person, all comedies have one," Sonic explained, subtly inferring that the Bush administration was a joke on the level of most humorous films.

"I don't care," Knuckles replied, "I'll do whatever it takes to become Secretary of Defense! That way, I can help the people get guns!"

"Yeah, but if you give everyone guns, what's to keep them from overthrowing the government?" asked Shadow.

"They'll be grateful to me!" Knuckles defended. "They wouldn't bring me down after what I've done for them!"

"Yes, because we all know how much respect Americans have for systems of authority, and how they would never turn on a person in a position of power if given the right to do so," Tails snorted.

"Did I _say _you could talk?" Sonic shrieked, kicking over the table and standing up with his fists balled.

"That was pretty intimidating," Tails remarked sarcastically. "Sure you can beat me up? Why don't you just try it and see how far you get?"

"You'd better be careful, Sonic, I gave him fighting lessons," Knuckles commented. "After all, I _am_ the Secretary of Self-Defense."

"OH, SHUT UP!" screamed Sonic, full of rage. He lunged at Tails with a hair-raising screech, but missed by a margin of eight feet and crumpled in a heap.

"That was _amazing!" _gasped Shadow sarcastically. Sonic calmed down for the reason that there was nothing funny left that would result from him being angry.

"So what should we do now, you guys?" Tails asked. "We could go hang out with the ladies…"

"Nah, they've been acting kind of cold lately," Shadow regretted. Tails hid his grin behind a gloved paw. "So what should we do, then?"

"Let's cook some heavenly gourmet dishes!" screeched Sonic.

"No."

"I was just kidding!" protested Sonic, hiding his plate of crepes Suzette and smoked salmon in the garbage disposal, where the lampshade promptly devoured it.

"Why don't we let Eggman conquer the world?" proposed Knuckles. "You know, just to see what would actually happen."

"I can run it on a probability simulator!" Tails suggested, pulling out a laptop. "That way we'll know what would happen, but without the consequences!"

"I love avoiding responsibility," beamed Sonic like a true American. They all crowded around the lapular top for a view of the simulation.

"Let's see… make a timeline here…" Tails pulled up a timeline of what would happen if Eggman were to take over the world.

"February, 2007. Eggman takes over world, yeah, we figured that out, go on," Shadow declared.

"May 2007, Eggman forces Earth's population to make food for him. No other production of any other resources exists by July," Sonic read in disgust.

"August 2007. The people rise against Eggman, easily defeating his robots as nobody is refining oil to fuel them anymore. However, Eggman is by now so fat that any attack merely rebounds. The people decide to make food for themselves and wait until Eggman is thin enough to be killed," Knuckles read. "Your computer has an odd imagination."

"December 2007. Much rejoicing as Eggman has now reached a mere 450 pounds. They prepare to ritually sacrifice him, dragging him before the world population. The death stroke will occur on the 1st of January 2008 to celebrate the New Year." Excitedly, Tails scrolled down to the next month.

"January 2008… wait, what?" There was dead silence as everyone read the words printed on the screen for that month.

_January 2008: Pork._

Tails promptly dropped his computer and fled.

"_WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?" _gabbled Sonic, ears burning with fury as he booted the laptop across the room. "So they were getting ready to sacrifice Eggman and then… _pork? What is going on?"_

"Maybe they ate him and pretended it was pork!" Knuckles rationalized.

"OH, SHUT UP! Wouldn't they just _say _that, then? This computer's worthless!" snarled Shadow, stomping on its remains. "So, what now?"

"Why don't we just end this chapter?" suggested Tails.

"I'd rather die," snarled Shadow. "Although preferably painlessly- these chapters are a little annoying." A voice cleared its throat from the heavens. "I mean," bleated Shadow feebly, "such _luxuriant, fine, well-written _chapters have surely never been seen…"

"To die painlessly is a fate worse than death," Tails said soberly.

"You idiot! It is death!" whined Sonic, sounding very petulant.

"Looks like we need to call the WHAAAmbulance for this one!" Knuckles grinned oafishly. "We have an EMO-gency on our hands!" Nobody laughed, which was only to be expected.

"Speaking of death and emergencies," Tails said, "I heard the PS3 launched to violent reception."

"I don't hear anybody complaining about the controller the way they were when they saw the Batman boomerang shape," Knuckles blustered, eager to cover up for his mistake. "Does that mean it isn't actually really uncomfortable?"

"No, it's because nobody has actually played the PS3, Tails," explained Sonic. "They're just selling it to each other on eBay for millions of dollars."

"Are there even any games on the PS3 other than Resistance: Fall of Man?" asked Shadow.

"No, the other games that you see in stores don't have discs in them," Knuckles described. "They're just part of a complex plan to make people think that the blue-ray reader wasn't totally worthless."

"Good old Nintendo prevails once again," declared Tails. (Note: This conversation about the superiority of the various consoles does not indicate Mecha Scorpion's personal views, except in all the ways it does.)

"I should release a console," Knuckles declared. "It would be better than blue-ray PS3, or we-have-good-graphics Xbox 360, or kids-should-buy-our-games Nintendo. The selling point would be the unparalleled physics engine, called Gun Simulator 3.0, and the enemy AI would have never-before-seen strategies such as 'avoid getting shot.' The only games would be racing games, shooting games, and racing shooting games. The big launch title would be a first-person shooter version of Grand Theft Auto, called _Tom Clancy's Rainbow Ghost Recon Six Advanced Mission Warfighter: Get The Console Or Die Trying, _and it would be a huge success! The game would center around the launch of my system, but there would only be one hundred copies available in each store. You would go around to different stores and wantonly slaughter people in an attempt to get all the consoles for yourself, so you could sell them and build a vast eBay empire! And there would be a mini-game where you could actually play games on the consoles you'd stolen!"

"Yeah, but why would they play that mini-game instead of buying other games for the console itself?"

"SHUT UP! NRA gun nuts, rap-culture-obsessed fools and other pathetic scum of society would lap it up like holy water! They'd flock to it in droves, DROVES I say!" shouted Knuckles exuberantly, brandishing the master plot for this disgusting game and console. "The system will be called… Play Cubic Boxes, or WiiStation 360, at least while it was in development. But on the day of the launch, the name will be revealed to be…" Lightning crashed prematurely in the background. "THE SHOOTY MCSHOOTINGTON SHOOTSKY GUNSHOOTER EXPLODE-O-MATIC BOMBTASTIC GRENADE DESTRUCTION DEMOLITION BLAST BAZOOKA GUN FIRING ROCKET LAUNCHING MACHINE GUN SHOOTING DESTROYER BURNINATING DISINTEGRATONIC POW-POW KABLAMMER BOOM TANK MISSILES…"

Eight minutes later…

"…WEAPON ATTACKER THINGY SOMETHING OR OTHER KILLING PEOPLE CONSOLE 8000!" proposed Knuckles at length.

Everybody had left.

"Perhaps an abbreviation will be necessary," concluded Knuckles.

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Later, and review.


	76. Why Can't We Not Be Sober?

Sonic Insanity

I'm not doing a Christmas-specific episode, sorry, guys. This is just a run-of-the-mill Sonic chapter, although I hope it will still be funny- despite uhyeahitsteamdark's allegations that the last 40 chapters were crap.

To Link the idiot of time- read the other chapters and see what you think.

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"Guys, I just got my first job!" Tails shouted, running into the house. Shadow stuck out his foot casually and Tails tripped over it. Ignoring this indignity, the fox righted himself and waved a flier with gusto. "I got a job at the pet store two blocks from here! I'll be a sales clerk! Can you believe it? I finally have a job!"

"That's more than I can say for _some _of the resident squatters-in-chief!" Sonic grumbled angrily, glaring at a supremely unconcerned Shadow.

Knuckles, however, was incensed at what he viewed as untrue allegations. "Blasphemy! Lies from top to bottom, I say! I had a job as a… er… um, I cook sometimes!"

"Yeah, but it's always HORRIBLE!" screeched Sonic.

"Hey, Sonic, you want a piece of me?" snarled Knuckles, leaping to his feet with fists balled. "I could destroy you in a fight any day! Any hour! Any minute! Any second! Any millisecond! Any week! Any fortnight! Any-"

"Guys, can't you go one second without a fight?" Tails pleaded.

"What's not fighting?" Knuckles asked, the epitome of ignorance. Shadow ignored him and took out a copy of Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess.

"WHAT? Nintendo, in my house! I won't _stand _for it! Out! Out!" Sonic stood poised at the phone, looking for the poison control number.

"You're just jealous that this game is far better than anything you've ever been in!" Shadow accused him.

"Hah! Since every game you've been in also featured me, that applies to you too!" boasted Sonic arrogantly.

"GUYS!" shrieked Tails. "Who wants to come see my new job at the pet shop?"

"Sorry, Tails," Shadow said, looking sincere, "but I have an appointment."

"What? You didn't tell me," Tails replied, confused.

"And that appointment is playing Twilight Princess," grinned Shadow, flourishing the Wii controller, accidentally letting go of it, and throwing the remote through the TV screen.

"Not anymore," grinned Sonic wickedly. "Now you have to buy me a new TV as well."

Spitting sparks and threatening lawsuits everywhere, Shadow jammed the money for the TV into Sonic's hand, Chaos Controlled another TV into the house, and started playing the game again, this time with the controller taped to his wrist.

"Knuckles, do you want to come?" asked Tails, ignoring Sonic's confusion and wrath.

"Any season! Any month! Any weekend! Any year! Any epoch! Any age! Any eon! Any-"

"OK, never mind," Tails conceded. "So, Sonic, you gonna come along?"

"Sure," growled Sonic, lurching along after Tails. They reached the pet store without further incident, although Sonic kept looking concernedly back at the house.

"So, this is where I work from now on," Tails declared exuberantly, indicating rows upon rows of noisy cages and glass containers filled with animals. Sonic, however, had stopped dead upon entering the store. His gaze was focused solely on one thing, and whatever it was had wrought an incredible change in his demeanor. His eyes had dilated as if he was bewitched and a blissful smile stole over his usually cynically smirking mouth.

"It's _beautiful!" _he cried rapturously. Tails was reminded queasily of how Amy spoke whenever Sonic was not close enough to be chased down. Oh my goodness, it's the most precious, adorable, luvverly little animal I've ever_ seen! _Nobody will _ever _take my baby from me!"

"Sonic," muttered Tails, not actually even aware what Sonic was talking about at this point, "you don't even _own _this thing yet."

Sonic whirled fiercely upon the fox. "It's not a _thing, _it's a widdle puppy dawg! Oh yes you awwwwe! Awen't you da cutest widdle fing?" He swept down like a phantom of indulgent affection upon a quivering pooch with fluffy black fur and a lily-white bow between its ears. Sonic pried at the bars of the cage, sinking into a morbid depression at the thought that cold steel separated he and what he assumed to be his dog. He sank to the floor, beating on any available surface and weeping at cruelly denied love and all the woes of the world.

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" he screamed, voice throbbing with emotion inconceivable. "Why, WHY must I be spurned? When I found what mattered most to me… it was ripped away from me! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?" He seized himself around the throat and began punching and thrashing around on the floor, apparently fighting his inner demons physically rather than emotionally.

Tails sidled fearfully away from the prone, shuddering form of his friend. He was suddenly consumed with a desire to be as completely disassociated from this lovelorn lunatic as possible, in order to retain any shred of dignity that once might have been his. He called from the opposite end of the store, "Sonic, you know, if you just BOUGHT your little puppy dog, things wouldn't be so bad, you know? You might not be driven by an insatiable, unquenchable thirst to judder and jolt around on the ground like a character in a Claymation movie with half the frames missing…"

Sonic, weeping enough bitter tears to flood the store, raised a stricken face, overcome by the sorrows that life held. Glazed with pearly misery, his suddenly overjoyed face resembled all the malicious demons the world contained. "I knew my adoration could never be held at bay! Love conquers all, my brave little trooper… I will liberate you from this prison that cruelly divides us!" Strutting boldly up to the front with the unwilling puppy's cage in tow, he began looking around for a clerk. Tails suddenly remembered what his job was and went up to the front.

"Hi, I'd like to purchase this adorable little watermelon here," Sonic declared in a businesslike manner, as if Tails and he had never met.

Tails fought to keep his bile safely in his throat. What kind of twisted, maladjusted beast referred to a puppy as a watermelon? "OK, er… that'll be 28.34." (AN: I hardly know what the going rate for puppies is, so I just made that up.)

"Your bail is about to be paid, my pet!" Sonic crooned in a triumphantly saccharine manner, thoroughly frightening every pet in the store to the point of cardiac arrest. Fishing out the sad remnants of his depleted bank account, he gave it to Tails and just as quickly stole more money out of the cash register.

Tails sighed. If Sonic was irresponsible enough to grab money and have temper tantrums in a store, how could he provide a decent life for this shell-shocked puppy? Oh well… hopefully things wouldn't get _too _horrible. "All right, Sonic, I have to work now, so I'm trusting you to safely return your… eh… watermelon home, and keep it away from anything dangerous, understand?"

But Sonic was long past any sort of safety regulation discussion. "Rascal and I are going to have so much fun together! Fido, you and I will eat Chinese food and give each other haircuts and play Trivial Pursuit together under the stars while drinking lemonade! Oh, Whiskers, you adorable little…" His prattle trailed off behind him, then ended abruptly as the pet shop door slammed shut behind him.

Amy, "coincidentally" standing as close to Sonic as the restraining order permitted, scuttled up to him in complete disregard to the legal system. "SONIC! My angel, my beloved! So, I'm discussing the nuptials with my parents and they're thrilled, they can't wait to meet you, in fact-"

Sonic didn't give the fatuous pink hedgehog a second glance. "Piss off, Amy, I'm taking my doggie home for us to play together."

"Oh, _really?" _Amy gasped, impressed for some reason. "What a hunk! I hear taking care of animal really improves that six-pack you're sporting… you muscular man, you." She gave his stomach a tender, seductive caress, letting her delicate touch linger for a short moment.

Sonic was too in love with his dog to give this stroking any attention. "I said go away, Amy, my puppy and I are busy."

Amy stopped, her insides turning to ice. She had managed to convince herself that Sonic's steadfast, noisy rejection of her advances was mere denial. But to hear him so brusque and firm… did this mean he had really given up on her? Tears filled her eyes, and also part of her ears (due to a disastrous surgical operation on her sinuses a few weeks ago), and without a word she stomped off to think about things.

Sonic gave her back a passing look, then returned to his indulgence of the puppy. Girls were so emotional, always outpouring their every feeling and thought to anybody who might listen. Not he, though! Sonic was a man, and he would hardly dither on about every minor detail of his life, like some kind of blog-writing nitwit.

"So, do you know what I ate for dinner yesterday?" he asked his puppy, breaking his promise immediately.

Meanwhile, back at Sonic's house, things were not going exceedingly well. Much to the contrary, in fact. Knuckles was still spouting units of time measurement, miraculously having not drawn breath the entire time. Despite the sincerest efforts on Shadow's part to silence the insolent blabbermouth, Knuckles simply would not shut up. This annoying drivel had driven Shadow to the point of miserable depression, nearly parallel to that Sonic had been experiencing a few minutes ago, and he lay in a state of inebriated wooziness on the couch while Knuckles continued to babble.

"Any century! Any decade! Any millennium! Any movie's international premiere! Any religious holiday! Any non-religious holiday! Any stage of the lunar cycle! Any autumnal equinox! Any winter solstice! Any solar eclipse! Any intermediately well-known celebrity's birthday! Any date on any pre-Julian calendar!" spat Knuckles in an unending stream of worthless idiocy.

"WHYYYYYYYYyyyy," shrieked Shadow at Yoko Ono-like levels of unintelligible wailing. "Can't…" He dragged himself off of the rum-soaked couch to another bottle, the last full vessel amongst countless shattered ones. "We not…" Unable to deal with the profound complexity of navigating the bottle's cork, he snapped off the neck against the edge of the table. With a shaking hand, he brought the alcohol to his lips, dousing his entire face in the beverage. "Beeeeeeeeeee SOOOOOOooooBEEEEEEER!" Shadow shrieked, desecrating any Tool fan's memory of the song as rum trickled down the premature lines in his haggard face. "Just… HIC! Want…" He savored what little of the drink had actually been accumulated in his mouth, wiping his face with his hands. "To start…" The bottle drained, he threw it hazardously at Knuckles, who allowed it to shatter against his skull without a pause in his monologue. "THIS OVER!" he bellowed drunkenly, wasted beyond any previous comprehension.

"Any graduation day! Any moment during the Ides of March! Any previously unheard of unit of time! Any… any…" Knuckles' supply failed him, and he clammed up tightly.

Shadow turned a bleary half-smile at this annoyance turned silent. "Finally… hic… gonna shut up?"

"NEVER!" shrieked Knuckles, hunching and contorting as leathery demon wings erupted from his spinal column. His mouth elongated and stretched in a horrendous, fang-filled gaping maw and Knuckles began flapping grotesquely across the room, venomous claws shooting from his fingers, while belching fire and taking huge swipes with his spike-studded tail. Shadow watched this with polite interest, then ignored this plea for attention and started reading a magazine. Realizing that this was not going to annoy Shadow, Knuckles reluctantly transformed back into an echidna and started juggling rubber bands with difficulty.

The doorbell rang, and Shadow stumbled drunkenly from the couch.

"I'll get it!" called Sonic, and Shadow heard running to the door and the door opening. "I'm home!" Sonic called, causing Shadow to pass out from a mixture of overdrinking and uncomprehending confusion. "Look, Cuddles, this is your new home! I promise we'll have lots of fun, and we can eat goldfish and pizza bagels and watch The Andy Griffith Show until we fall asleep and love each other and-"

Shadow's mind was rudely hauled out of its piteous wallowing, focusing into a razor-sharp logical component of his psyche. Whatever happened, he had to make sure that this situation with Sonic and "Cuddles" did not escalate out of control.

"Sonic," he called, "let me see your new pet!"

"DON'T SHOUT!" screamed Sonic at a volume far greater than Shadow had spoken at. "We don't need verbal aggression in this house anymore- delicate ears are afoot!" He gestured at a fluffy little puppy dog that he held in his arms, which was looking around warily and disdainfully.

"How can an ear be a foot?" Knuckles asked, ambling out. "And who's that hot hunk o' love in your arms there?" he added, licking his lips in a dastardly manner.

Sonic and Shadow looked at each other with more than a little concern.

"This is my puppy, who I have yet to decide a name for," Sonic declared. "He will be living with us for the rest of his natural life, and I will not tolerate any misconduct or bad behavior! He's impressionable right now and he doesn't need deconstructive influences!"

"OK," said Shadow, intimidated. "Well… er… what do you want to do? I've finally figured out how to play the Wii without destroying some part of the TV, although somehow I got the nunchuk to control the volume at one point. Does your little anonymous puppy want to watch me play?"

"NO!" shrieked Sonic, covering the puppy's eyes. "Video games are too violent! He doesn't need to watch you play a game about killing monsters!"

"I doubt he would actually understand any of it," objected Shadow. "Fine, then; if your puppy is too sensitive then I'll just play it myself. I've spent 45 hours consecutively fishing!"

"Sonic wasn't even gone for more than an hour," Knuckles objected, but as nobody loves Knuckles there was no response.

"NO! No video games will be played in the house! They're harmful and detrimental to a child's upbringing!" whined Sonic.

"Your puppy is _not _a child, dammit!" Shadow roared, infuriated beyond compare. "He is a _dog _that will not be traumatized if somebody plays a T-rated video game in the same house as him!"

Sonic's eyes narrowed. "Do _not _swear in front of my adorable little camel parasite!" He stroked the "camel parasite" tenderly while staring at Shadow with malevolence in his eyes.

"I," growled Shadow, matching Sonic's glare with just as much hatred, "will swear as much as I damn well please in front of your furry basket case, and if you or the frigging dog do not like it, you can both go the hell away and leave us adults to do what we want!"

Sonic dropped the puppy, who scampered gratefully away, and clenched his fists. "Take that back, or I'll… why, I'll _abolish _you where you stand!"

"Ah-ah-ah, you can't fight in the house!" Shadow smirked craftily, waggling a finger deviously. "You wouldn't want to set a bad example for that fuzzy loaf over there, would you?"

Sonic, fuming and irascible, dropped his fists and walked over to his puppy, scooping it up. "My tiger tyke and I will go about our business, and if you do anything that may damage his upbringing, I'll throw you into the spinning blades of a grain thresher, dice your bleeding carcass with a meat cleaver, and feed the remains to your mother while throwing dripping globs of sewage at her!" Ignoring the profane threat he had just issued in front of his sweet little bundle of weed killer, Sonic walked off dignifiedly with his puppy in tow.

"Hey guys, t'sup?" said Tails, entering just as Sonic left the room.

"Tails," grinned Knuckles, "wouldn't you like to do something so we could… _control _Sonic's abnormal behavior? Doesn't that idea appeal to you?" Somehow he had maintained a grin throughout both sentences, and the smile was growing larger.

"Um… yeah, I guess…"

"Well," Knuckles continued, his smile growing exaggerated and cartoonish as it threatened to engulf his entire face, "I've developed an ingenious plan to win the lottery so that we can buy this house from Sonic and as a result, make him do what we say!" Tails watched with morbid fascination as Knuckles' grin swelled past his nose. "And the first thing I intend on doing," Knuckles smirked, his teeth disturbingly bright and shiny, "is make him get rid of that little ball of rat fuzz!"

"OK, sure," said Tails cautiously. "What's the plan?"

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The story resumes later, review.


	77. Mormon Terrorism Alert!

Sonic Insanity

Finally reached that 900 review goal, guys, and thanks much for doing so! Dare we shoot for 1000? I know that depends mostly on my writing output, but give me your opinions too!

I took down my Harry Potter forum, sorry. But if you want to go to a General forum that I like, go to Failed Redemption's profile and go to her Goths forum.

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"This plan sucks," Shadow objected before Knuckles had even opened his mouth.

Knuckles glared daggers at the black hedgehog, upping the ante by increasing his glare from "daggers" to "battle axes." "Shadow, so help me, I am doing this for your benefit! None of us need Sonic twittering around like an amorous buffoon, doting on his ricocheting beetle intestine, so just pay attention!"

"Sonic never called his new pet puppy anything as ridiculous as a _ricocheting beetle intestine," _Tails argued.

"Go on a diet, fatty," Knuckles answered bluntly. "Anyway, this is my new plan, or 'wheeze' as they say in J-O-E."

"Joe? What do you mean, Joe?" Tails complained unwittingly.

"Jolly Old England," sneered Knuckles as if this moronic acronym should have been obvious to anybody. "I say, old lad, toodle-pip, what what, cheerio… you know, that sort of thing! I see you've been poorly educated," he concluded, contemptuously snorting.

"I am _easily _twelve times smarter in my sleep than you are during your most inspired moments of genius," grated Tails through clenched teeth. "Secondly, I was educated using facts, evidence, information and theories, not according to your ridiculous initials for England that you made up."

"Guys, stop fighting!" Shadow shrilled at the ceiling. "Explain your plan, Knuckles."

Favoring Tails with a wicked glare, Knuckles pulled down a large, widely varied assortment of presentation equipment. He yanked down a previously unseen projection screen from the ceiling while lugging out a slide projector. He also mounted a large computer screen on the wall with a Power Point slide show. Finally, Knuckles painstakingly hung a chalkboard from a hook, dusting off his hands and gazing at it all proudly.

"Eh… Knuckles… is this all necessary?" Tails inquired.

"We'll find a use for it," Knuckles replied in a slightly forced, too-casual way, which did nothing to allay Tails' fears. "Anyway, so since this is a complex multimedia project, I'll have to use two separate mediums for presenting it."

"But there are three-" Shadow began to protest.

"SHADDUP!" Knuckles shrieked, his eyes flashing. He fired up the Power Point and a title slide appeared. It said **Population Of Gunderschtankenhagensvenstanskibardendorfmunnelpetrovich, Poland Reaches 157- Previous Historical Record Of 153 In 1661 Shattered In A Landslide **and showed a picture of an orca whale jubilantly jumping above the surface of the ocean.

"Are either the headline or the picture relevant?" Shadow asked unsurely.

"Hopefully not!" Knuckles declared. Tails felt chills of foreboding erupt along his spine. "Anyway, so what we do first is take advantage of Tails' knowledge as a computer hacker to access the computer that prints out the designs on lottery tickets."

"You know, just because I'm good at technology doesn't make me a hacker," Tails grumbled bellicosely.

"Yes it does," Knuckles childishly demanded, hoping to convince Tails of an obvious fact.

"No it doesn't!"

"Have it my way!" Knuckles snarled, giving in.

"Shouldn't it be have it _your _way, Knuckles?"

"Yeah, when you say _your _it's referring to me!" Knuckles proclaimed. Tails actually understood the logic behind this, however twisted and stupid it might have been, so he contented himself with whining under his breath.

"Anyway," Knuckles went on, "with Tails' help we access the computer that prints out lottery tickets. Tails will then print out every number that is possible to be a lottery ticket during that round. Knuckles and I will find the printing press that prints out these tickets, take out any security, and hijack them all while Tails guides us from HQ!"

"What do you mean, HQ, Sonic's house?" Shadow growled, but Tails saw something far worse. Knuckles had clicked to the next slide, and the picture of the leaping orca whale dissolved to the sound of gunfire to an even worse image. A random audio snippet from Grey's Anatomy played while the words Figure 1.3A faded in. Surrounded by many lines, graphs, tables and charts was a step-by-step diagram of how to correctly make a ham and cheese submarine sandwich.

"Knuckles," Tails tried to say, but words failed him at the inanity of this slide and he fell silent.

"So, once we have a copy of every potential lottery ticket," Knuckles went on, "we will hijack the 'real' lottery ticket shipments so that we don't have to worry about a duplicate win. After burning the 'real' set of tickets, we will submit all the fake tickets that we made!" A new slide came up, this one featuring a man sitting on a giant postage stamp while screaming at the sky, while the words **Elvis Sighted On Jupiter By Hubble Space Telescope **flashed below this image. "With every ticket made, we're sure to win!"

"Yeah, why are we even printing out another set of tickets if we're going to hijack every ticket in the first place?"

"Because those tickets have already been registered to specific people!" Knuckles clarified.

"Well, why don't we hijack the shipment going _away _from the lottery headquarters instead of _towards _it?" Shadow demanded.

"Maybe if we have time," Knuckles conceded, even though this was an alternative strategy, not something extra to do. "So, allow me to more specifically detail the breaking and entering of the lottery HQ." He strutted proudly over to the slide projector. The first scene showed a black stickman, a yellow stickman, and a beautifully artistically designed image of Knuckles that was exactly the same size as the stickmen.

"The black stickman represents Shadow," he explained, "and the yellow one represents Tails."

"Why aren't we as detailed as you?" Shadow asked grumpily.

"Budgeting, my dear Watson," declared Knuckles. "So, the lottery facility is on a massive island of rock in the middle of the ocean with sheer, steep cliff walls that cannot be climbed. So Shadow and I will Chaos Control there and push all the guards off the cliff when they're not looking."

"How will we keep them from screaming?" Shadow asked.

"Easy," Knuckles responded with the ghost of a smile on his face (the smile had died in a gardening accident). "So, after that's taken care of… you know what, we'll just make it up as we go along, it's not like anybody will die or get permanently inconvenienced."

"We might," objected Shadow. "The author might use our infirmity/death as a cheap way to end the fanfiction."

"Yeah, but the fact that he acknowledged the fact that this would be cheap shows that he won't do that," Knuckles argued. "And since he's the author, he can make us do it after all. Author, what do you say?"

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks," the author declared, emerging from a vase on the cupboard with much difficulty. "I say you go."

"But it's a stupid plan!" Tails grumbled. "Why am I always picked on and derided?"

"Tails, you owe me after how I hooked you up in Chapter 74," Mecha Scorpion replied. 

"What do you mean by that?" snarled Shadow and Knuckles.

"Not much," Mecha mumbled, looking nervous. "Later!" And he was gone with a twinkle of his eye. As if eyes twinkle.

"Anyway," Knuckles resumed, "my plan is good. Let's do it."

Afraid of the consequences, Shadow and Tails gloomily acquiesced.

Meanwhile, Sonic was having a devil of a time with his angelic puppy dog, which he had decided to name Claudio as a tribute to the lead singer of one of the worst bands in history.

"So I told her, get lost, OK? You're, like, obvs not my types, but she didn't get it, you know?" Sonic chattered, flipping his hair. "But she was being so weird, asking me if we could hang out and telling me she liked my eyes, so I, like, OMG, had to lay down the law!" Sonic tittered and his puppy dog took advantage of this distraction to make a bid for freedom. Sonic snatched Claudio back and continued his story. "I told that woman what was what, right? She has to know how I do things, or it won't work out!" He sighed. "My mom is so persistent sometimes… she's so totally overprotective."

The puppy tried not to sob. Whatever Sonic's mother had done to him, it had probably been catastrophic and unqualified to be called proper parenting. It tried to lunge away again, but Sonic grabbed the puppy.

"We can't ever have a real relationship like this!" Sonic fretted. "We should take a long vacation… somewhere in the Caribbean… I know! Dominican Republic, here we come!" And Sonic drove off to the airport at the exact same time as Knuckles, Shadow and Tails drove to the airport in order to hijack the airplane bringing the tickets away from the lottery.

Of course, this did not happen overnight. During the time it took for both of these groups to plan their flights, Sonic was downright awful. He spent all their recreation money for the month on indulging his puppy, refused to allow certain foods, music, games, movies, books, clothes or words to be used or brought into the house, he bossed everyone around, and he generally acted most disagreeable. It was only coincidence that their flights were on the same day from the same airport. They were both very surprised to find that they were all going.

"All right," said Sonic, "I guess we'll all just take the one car."

So the five of them, including Claudio, set off in the one car and reached the airport in good time. While Knuckles made crude jokes about shoving Shadow's mom through an airplane turbine, Tails chafed under the authoritarian regime of the author.

"Guys," he muttered to Shadow and Knuckles, trying to keep them from fighting, "how are we supposed to get all of this weaponry on to the plane?"

Knuckles guffawed. "What do you think this is, some kind of security check? Their regulations are very lax, I'm sure."

"Yeah, how about that sign that says no cocktail napkins because they could be used to smother the pilot?" Shadow asked skeptically.

"SHUT UP! I have an ingenious plan to get around that," hissed Knuckles, pulling a kit of disguises out of his bag. Sonic was too engrossed with Claudio to notice any of this illegal activity.

"A turban and a fake beard? And Muslim robes? Won't that just make them suspect us _more?" _grumbled Tails uncooperatively.

"Exactly!" beamed Knuckles. "If they act suspicious of them, we'll accuse them of racism and we'll get through free as criminal birds!"

"They'll still check our luggage and when they see 40 pounds of explosives and bolt rifles, they'll arrest us for sure!" argued Tails.

"That's what Sonic is for," Knuckles grinned. Nobody even wanted to ask what this meant.

They proceeded through the line, and Sonic was soon to be up. While Sonic cooed at Claudio, overcome with infatuation, Knuckles delicately arranged the turban on Sonic's head and slung the robe over his shoulders.

"Sonic, you've got something on your chin," Shadow declared, catching on to Knuckles' fiendish plot while sticking the beard on Sonic's face. He then slipped a case of explosives that they hadn't needed into the midst of Sonic's luggage.

"Please put your luggage through the scanner, sir," said the security guy, glaring suspiciously at Sonic's Islamic demeanor. Sonic, shrugging, passed the suitcases through, and one of them set off the alarm.

Immediately a group of security men pinned Sonic's arms and legs while another opened the suitcase. "Bombs!" they gasped. "Trying to blow up an airplane, were you, you _terrorist?"_

"I'm not a terrorist!" frothed Sonic, tearing off the beard, robes and turban. "I don't even know how these got on me! I'm not Islamic or Muslim!"

"You could be a Mormon terrorist!" accused the guards.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!?!?" shrieked Sonic at glass-shattering volumes. "There's no such thing! My dog and I just want to go on a vacation!"

"How do you explain the bombs in your luggage?" the security guards asked.

"They're not mine! They're somebody… else's… wait a…" Sonic came to a fast conclusion, his jaw sagging with horror. Throwing DVDs, making him out to be a virgin, mooching off of him for a good year now… that was one thing. But getting him arrested for attempted terrorism? _That crossed the line!_

"KNUCKLES!" shrieked Sonic, whirling on his innocent-looking echidna housemate.

"Aaaaaah!" screamed Knuckles. "Get the terrorist away from me!"

"I'm no terrorist! I'm a terrorist like Nickelback makes good music! You planted all this stuff on me! _WHY DID YOU DO THIS?" _howled Sonic outrageously.

"I've never met this man before in my life! Somebody stop him!" whimpered Knuckles. The guards complied, six of them holding Sonic down.

Sonic was more mad than ever seen before in this story. His vision tinted red and steam snorted from his nostrils. He had been pushed over the edge! _This meant WAR!  
_

"HULK SMASH!" roared Sonic as his muscles swelled like melons and he tore free of the security guards. Now an eight-foot behemoth, Sonic began to tear everything to pieces in a mad attempt to get his shovel-sized hands on his aggressor-in-chief. 

"RUN, Tails, RUN!" screamed Shadow, dashing away at high speed. Tails did not comply, merely flying through a window to go back home for some sanity. Shadow and Knuckles sprinted madly through the airport, Sonic hot on their heels and smashing all obstructions out of the way.

"You almost cost me my _life!" _shrieked Sonic, snapping an arrival times board over his knee and using half of it to surf down the rail of a down escalator, which brought him within inches of the terrified duo. "My reputation, my dignity, my moral code, my everything… _gone _because of you!" He seized a flagpole bearing the Armenian national colors and hurled it like a javelin, which slid through the gap between Shadow and Knuckles and almost impaled them. "I'LL GET YOU BACK, I _PROMISE! _YOU'LL WISH YOUR FATHERS HAD USED CONDOMS AFTER I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!" Steam erupted from his ears like geysers.

It was then that Knuckles did something very unwise. He turned around, stuck his pinky fingers in the corners of his mouth and pulled as hard as he could while waggling his tongue. His ring fingers pulled at the skin under his eyes, making them obscenely large while he rolled them obnoxiously. With his thumbs and index fingers he pulled out his ears to Dumbo-size proportions, and with his middle fingers… well, you can imagine. After this intricate arrangement of his facial features, he began to prance around like a court jester while laughing in the most high-pitched, irritating way imaginable. Headwater Daddy himself could not have chuckled in a more blood-curdling way. And after this routine, he bent over, slapped his own posterior insultingly while winking impudently at Sonic, and then started doing an impersonation of Sonic's mother.

"You **_idiot!_**" roared Shadow, dashing forwards still. At the sight of this, Sonic became even madder than before. As Knuckles wisely turned tail and fled, the grotesquely muscular Sonic took hold of the case of explosives that Knuckles had tried to plant on him and hurled them right at the awful echidna. Knuckles performed a ridiculous contortion to avoid this while smacking his own haunches rudely.

"Don't provoke him, you loon!" screamed Shadow. "He'll catch us and then we're done for!"

"Well, thousands of children die in Africa every day!" screeched Knuckles. As Sonic went bug-eyed at this randomness, Knuckles seized the Armenian flagpole that Sonic had thrown at them and used it to pole vault himself and Shadow through a plate glass window and onto a runway, where a plane was about to land.

"CHAOS CONTROL!" he bellowed, grabbing the fabled Emerald from Shadow. They appeared inside the plane's cabin and quickly knocked the pilots out with karate while seizing the controls. The plane, just about to land, took off again.

"Knuckles, what about the passengers?" Shadow grumbled.

Knuckles grumbled but obeyed, pressing a button. Instantly the floor of the passenger cabin fell out of the plane and everybody fell a mere five or ten feet onto the runway. The floor sealed up again. "There, happy?"

"Not really!" cried Shadow with distress as they flew past a skyscraper on which Sonic was standing. He snapped off the spire and hurled it at them, and they heard it clip off the very end of the wing. Sonic tried to reach out and grab the plane, but he lost his balance and fell off the skyscraper with a thud.

"Go get Claudio!" Shadow shrieked from out of the plane, and Sonic rapidly turned back to normal, too concerned about his little pet to care about the provokers.

"Well," breathed Knuckles, "that's good. Now we just have to get that dog out of the house."

"Knuckles," said Shadow, "hasn't the lottery ticket plane already landed?"

"…Curses."

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Will they ever find a way to get Claudio out of their lives? Review to maybe find out!


	78. An Alliterative Assassination

Sonic Insanity

To Justin Time- Dude, don't worry about long reviews. I liked that review a lot, it helped me out in terms of changing my style to make things better. Keep it up, don't be worried to tell me what you think. That goes for all of you, too. I really like reviews where you tell me what could be made better, I won't take offense. But seriously, though, J.T, I will work on making the characters less "idiots with randomly assigned behavior" and more distinct individuals.

Anyway, to the slightly different fanfic!

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Things were not going exceptionally well at the Sonic household. As if they ever had. The only piece anybody in the Sonic house had ever had was Sonic, and that was the two or three paragraphs of exposition before the alarm clock rang in Chapter One. From then on it had been paranoia, furtive and abnormal behavior, Jerry Bruckheimer-grade inconsistencies and preposterous occurrences, hasty assassination attempts, backstabbing and treason, Evanescence music, all seven deadly sins, adultery and butchered syntax and grammar. All morally reprehensible, corrupt, decadent, foul and loathsome things to occur among characters whose previous worst offense was saying "damn" every time a certain one of them died in Shadow the Hedgehog.

And judging by the way things were going, things weren't about to get much better.

I'm Shadow the Hedgehog, hit man. I'm a professional killer. I do my job well, even if there usually is forty-five hundred dollars worth of ammunition wasted by the end. I've got a faulty memory, a gravelly voice, an unclear past, psychotically diverse motivation, and a lot of emotional baggage. Did I mention my uniqueness as a character?

I can remember my first kill. I was assigned by the Chicago Mafia to whack a shady parakeet who'd been sent to spy on the Fibbies, but bailed and started spilling secrets. I found him fast but the job wasn't quick. I hadn't planned on anything fancy, just a couple of mortar rounds, a pistol, three grenades, several remote detonation mines, a sniper rifle with two kinds of ammo, and a Gatling. He was in a fancy restaurant with some gorgeous lady types as a result of all that money he'd gotten from ratting. Despite all my weaponry, it only took me one shot…

One shot of vodka, that is, before getting to the task. But I managed to only spend seventy-six bullets on him, as well as two of the grenades, all the mortar rounds and four of the mines. Since then I worked my way through the animal criminal underworld, slaying my way to the top until my record was 4 shots fired. Eighty percent of the time, it's a guaranteed success. Yes, I know that didn't make any sense.

But this job was harder. I was to turn the guns on the pet of one of my old rivals and even friends, but mostly bitter, raging enemies who happened to share the same living quarters due to the gods playing a cruel joke; Sonic the Hedgehog, startling nobody younger than the 80s generation with his edgy attitude and "rocking cool moves." It was my duty, assigned by myself out of an undying hatred for Sonic's behavior following his acquisition of the puppy, to murder it and implicate Knuckles the Echidna in the process. It hurt to think that that oafish boor would receive the credit for my masterful assassination, but it had to be done.

I prepared myself for the job. It was stealth gear this time around. I wrapped myself in light black ninja clothing and took only the quietest, most portable weaponry ever devised. Taking my extremely lightweight and silent Civil War-era cannon with me, I also packed a few daggers and a katana in case there was a confrontation.

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I'm Knuckles the Echidna, the smartest person in the world. Call me "Genius" if you like. My interests are rap music, the gangsta lifestyle, floozies, keeping it cool, Neapolitan ice cream, having lots of real money that isn't fake, violence, racial degradation, and being smart. Did I already say that I'm not stupid and I'm really smart? Good.

I've killed tons of people before, really, I have! All those guys I fought died right after you stopped watching, I mean it! Really, they did! Even though they won the fights! So I figured, what's killing again? This one's just a canine. Nothing wrong, right? Pull the trigger, bam! He's dead. I'm smart. You knew that, right?

But this could result in complications. As hardened and tough a gangster I obviously am and am not pretending to be, I'm a sensitive person at some level. Cause, you know, R&B makes money just like rap, I have to capitalize. Look how far gangsta got Dre, now nobody cares what he does anymore. So I'm honest when I say that it didn't feel good, the way I was going about this particular killing.

See, as part of the job, it would be necessary to cover my own tracks. It was simple, then- I had to frame Shadow the Hedgehog. By leaving the murder weapon in his room, I would be acquitted of all charges and Shadow would be in a nice cozy jail cell for the rest of his life. Actually, I don't know how long you get imprisoned for animal murder, so maybe he'd get out. Don't let that make you think I'm not smart, though. I know two plus two equals two and a half like everybody else.

It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it. This job required subtlety. I carried only my spiked fists. Well, I didn't carry them, more sort of had them attached to my wrists, but you get the idea.

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I'm Tails. Tails the Fox, or Kitsune if you're an anime buff. I said buff because I'm passive-aggressive and right now I'm too passive to say dork or something mean like that.

Anyway, Shadow and Knuckles are completely out of their minds and will get us all killed, arrested or deported before this story is over. That is all.

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It was a dark night, as nights tend to be. Sonic's bedroom, a total mess, was dim and unfathomable in the darkness. No windows were opened. Through the blinds one could vaguely see Sonic's face as he slumbered, cuddling with an also sleeping Claudio. Neither one could imagine the horror about to unfold.

Through the door slid the shadow of a hedgehog. It glanced around nervously, then crouched low to the floor just as the silhouette of an echidna came out from underneath the bed. Neither could see each other- the bed blocked the view. On the mattress, Sonic frowned and mumbled something about a staircase made out of bacon. Both would-be-assassins froze, twilight specters in the scant moonlight. His fitful sleep ceased and Sonic dozed off again. Satisfied, both moved into position. The one that had come in through the door pulled out a throwing dagger, dully glinting. The one under the bed readied a spiked fist and drew it back, ready to plunge it into the puppy's side. (Don't worry, kids, nothing _too _graphic happens.)

At the exact same moment, the spiked fist began to lunge forward just as the throwing dagger left the ninja hedgehog's hand. Both entered the dog at the exact same time, and in typical PG-13 fashion, the dog stiffened without a drop of blood and perished. The owner of the dagger summoned it back to him before the echidna saw it and Chaos Controlled out of the room without a sound. The echidna retracted his fist and scurried noiselessly out the door.

Shadow gingerly lay the silver dagger where Knuckles wouldn't see it, but Sonic would if he did a thorough examination. This was not hard, as Knuckles was extremely oblivious and would not notice anything. A pang of regret filled him, but he abandoned it quickly and ran out, Chaos Control forgotten.

Knuckles left the spiked glove that had done the deed in Shadow's room. He hid it very obviously on a table in clear view of the door, the window, the bed and any possible place that being seated in the room would be convenient. As he retreated and began to walk back toward his own room, he and Shadow walked right into each other, equal distances away from each of their rooms.

"Shadow!" Knuckles muttered, startled.

"Knuckles," Shadow mumbled. "Out for a midnight stroll?"

Knuckles attempted a forced chuckle. "Er… yes, matter of fact. Clears the head, you know. How about you?"

"Just wanted a midnight snack," Shadow gulped nervously. Knuckles was too concerned about being found out himself to ask why the kitchen light had not been turned on. "Um… good night, then."

"Good night," shivered Knuckles. Both walked as calmly as possible into their rooms and went to bed, too concerned about being found out to notice the criminal evidence that had been planted. Both murderers quickly fell asleep.

Morning ushered in shrill screams from Sonic.

"Oh my god! OMG! Claudio is dead, he's been… _stabbed! _Oh, my sweet cute small onion guillotine, oh, my beloved, devoted little stem cell hostage negotiator…"

Knuckles and Shadow both smiled contentedly and rolled over in bed, trying to look as unaware as possible. Both were certain that the other would soon be framed. Neither noticed the incriminating evidence.

"Knuckles!" screamed Sonic, staggering brokenly into the red echidna's room. "Claudio's dead, Claudio, he…. OH MY GOD! _You _killed him!" he shouted, gesticulating at the dagger lying on Knuckles' table.

"What? It wasn't me, honest!" lied Knuckles. "Shadow did it! Go look in his room!" A horrifying realization had started to dawn on him.

Favoring Knuckles with an immensely suspicious glance, Sonic stormed in that direction, had a heated argument with Shadow, and emerged with a spiked glove and Shadow in tow. "Knuckles, you idiot, this is your glove! Why would Shadow kill my dog with _your _glove?"

"He wanted to incriminate me!" Knuckles declared.

"Why would I leave it in my room, then?" Shadow shrieked.

"That reminds me, why did you leave this dagger in my room?" snarled Knuckles. Suddenly both realized what had happened and looked at each other with terror.

Sonic was oblivious. "I'll never rest until the day I find out which one of you slew my precious yogurt repairman Claudio!"

Before anyone could ask what exactly a yogurt repairman was, Claudio came bounding in, stab wounds visible but somehow unhurt.

"Claudio?" asked Sonic, full of confusion. "But… but, how is this possible?"

"Yeah, I thought I killed him!" Knuckles and Shadow said at the same time, deeply regretting it.

Suddenly the dog began to laugh sinisterly through a speaker. "Hah! You fools were too overcome with affection-slash-rage to realize that I had infiltrated your ranks! I hid myself in that pet shop, waiting for opportunity to strike, and I managed to spy on the inner workings of your house!"

"_What _inner workings?" screamed Sonic, acquiring four new facial tics out of betrayal and rage. His nose started to twitch in a most distracting manner. "We have no inner workings! It's you who has inner workings! The only time we develop any plans against you is in direct response to your world-domination schemes! And every time it's the same! We go through a bunch of suspiciously linear stages, defeat large numbers of robots and finally beat you for the time being! We are not developing any new strategies! Your time would be better spent improving your _own _strategy!"

"SILENCE! I will not be spoken to like that by insubordinates and disloyal fiends!" Eggman raged. "Never trust a furry, eh? One moment I count you among my closest friends, the next all I have to do is declare war on you and you switch sides!"

"If you declare war on somebody, they are automatically on the opposite side!" howled Knuckles, amazed at the doctor's stupidity. "They cannot defect to their own side because you are specifically declaring war on them! If they switched sides it would be over! And when did you ever count us among your closest friends?"

"Once…" said Eggman mistily, teardrops forming in his piggish eyes. "A very long time ago…"

Flashback…

The Sonic gang was in preschool. Sonic ran around the classroom, being chased by Amy, who in those days of short-legged infancy was just as fast as him. Tails invented devices that, due to youth, he did not know were already invented, such as toasters. In fact, he obsessively created new designs for toasting bread… kind of creepy. Knuckles punched a wall angrily, frustrated that he did not understand the alphabet as a hassled teacher explained it to him. Shadow set fire to building blocks and chuckled heartily at his own malice.

Suddenly the door opened and a hall monitor ushered in a shy new student they hadn't seen before. A propeller cap perched atop his head, and suspenders kept his trousers up high. The rest of his spherical body was clad in a tucked-in polo shirt, high socks and red shoes. He carried pencils, a handkerchief and a photograph of his dead mother in his hand. The boy sat down next to the four Sonic pals, who had sat down for reading time.

"My name's Eggman," he whispered. "Wanna be friends?"

"Sure!" beamed Sonic merrily, and there was a long extraneous montage of them skipping in a field or developing their friendship or some flowery nonsense like that.

"I count you as my closest friends, you know," Eggman proclaimed at the end of the montage.

"We hate you," Sonic said, and he stomped on the photograph of Eggman's dead mother and punched him in the face.

End flashback…

"We didn't go to preschool together," Sonic corrected. "In fact, I would be surprised if any of us have ever been to preschool at all."

"SHUT UP! I had a bad childhood, okay? I was treated really well and everything, but sometimes I wouldn't get what I wanted! Then I would be confined to five meals a day, and I won't stand for you to mock me!" Eggman screeched. "Egg Hound… CHARGE!"

Sonic and co. stared apprehensively at the small dog, waiting for it to transfigure into a monstrous canine. Instead, it simply ran forward and tried to bite them. Shadow lifted his foot and smashed the robot dog underneath it. Sonic whimpered.

"Your plan is a failure, Eggman! Give it up!" Knuckles cried.

"I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE!" shrieked Eggman as he figuratively turned tail and fled.

"Um," they all said.

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I wrote this whole chapter in a day, just for you guys! I will be devoting most of my time to writing my Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess parody and my novel for a while, so don't expect any updates too soon. I just wanted to wrap up the puppy storyline.


	79. Eggman's Cruelest Machine Yet!

Sonic Insanity

I've stopped writing my Twilight Princess parody, guys, but fanfiction ain't coming much faster in any case. I'll do my best, though. By 85 chapters, do you think we could get 1000 reviews? Let's go for it!

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Sonic was now a little less mad at Knuckles and Shadow since his pet had turned out to be Eggman in disguise. However, he was still angry with them as usual, and so the Sonic household was full of simmering hostility and resentment. They had not gone out for a long time, instead choosing to mope around the house and glare at each other.

The phone rang noisily, disturbing Shadow's brooding fantasies of using horrendous aiming controls and dreadful voice acting to destroy armies of aliens composed of 3 polygons. And by that, I don't mean that each alien was composed of 3 polygons. I mean that the entire army of aliens was composed of 3 polygons together. The graphics were that bad.

Anyway, as I was saying before I interrupted myself, the phone rang with a great ruckus and a hullabaloo. Sonic glared at Knuckles, who glared at Shadow, who stared into space and mumbled about finding that damn fourth Chaos Emerald under his breath.

"TAILS!" yelled Knuckles, drowning out the phone's third ring. They remembered that Tails had actually been leaving the house on a regular basis… in fact, a bit _too _regular a basis. He always came home with lipstick all over his face and rumpled clothing, as well as the perfume smells of Amy, Tikal, and Rouge on him… but that didn't mean anything. He was probably… um… a door-to-door lipstick and perfume salesman! That was it!

The phone rang a fourth time, then stopped as the answering machine message began to play. "Hey, this is the residence of Knuckles and Shadow the Fo Real Pimps and Tails their Pimp Padawan Apprentice. Sonic also lives here, on the rare occasion that he's not in the mental institution just down the-"

"GET OFF MY PHONE!" screamed Sonic's voice, cutting off Knuckles' whiny blather. In the background, Shadow could be heard complaining about being called a "Fo Real Pimp." "Hey, you've got Sonic's house, I'm probably out ruining your mother's hopes and dreams of being an honest woman. Leave your message and I'll get back to you if I remember that you exist." There was a short silence, followed by the sound of beeps and blips. "How does this thing end the message? Ah, finally!" However, the message kept running. A few seconds later, Shadow's voice came on. "The real message: Hey, this is the house of Shadow, Knuckles, Sonic and Tails. We're somewhere else, so leave a message and we'll get back to you. If you are requesting a slash carnival between Sonic and me, please press 5 for more options, such as ETERNAL DAMNATION AND TORMENT! Heh heh… damn… that's a good word… damn damn da-" The message ended.

"Hey, Knuckles? Guys? Anybody there?" came Rouge's tentative voice. "Um, this is Rouge… I was just calling cause… well, you know… none of us have really seen any of you, except for Tails…" The sound of Tails, Amy and Tikal laughing could be heard in the background. "So, I just want you to know that you can come over whenever you want, just get out a little more, cause we miss you, you know?" There was a long pause, during which Amy could be heard complaining, "_Why _am I so bad at strip poker?" Rouge's voice returned. "All right, see you later, guys. Bye." The message ended.

Sonic was looking thunderous. A menacing trickle of smoke wafted from one ear, and his face was as red as a ketchup smoothie. His hands were curled into fists. Knuckles and Shadow watched fearfully for signs of greater wrath than this.

"SHADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!" screamed Sonic.

"What?" Shadow asked innocently.

"Why did you record at the end of my answering machine message?" exploded Sonic angrily.

Knuckles erupted with rage. "You _dolt! _You utter and complete _nincompoop! _Heh… poop…" he tittered immaturely. A disbelieving stare from Sonic brought him back on track. "You _fool! _Do you realize what's been happening? While you've been concerned about the easily fixed problem of your bizarre message machine recording, Tails has been out there consorting with all our ladies!"

"That's not a real glitch! Video footage or it never happened!" Shadow sniped back, having evidently turned into a GameFAQs board member.

"There's _audio _footage!" Knuckles screamed. "Tails has been playing strip poker with our girls, as well as probably worse! Where do you _think _they were that miserable Halloween night? Why do you _think _Tails looked so happy afterward? Why do you _think _that Tails has left every day and come back with the scent of our girls on him? Why do you _think _that when Tails was away, we never heard from the girls? It's as plain as the ugly, misshapen tar-like blob of a nose on Shadow's face! Our girls have been seduced by a third-rate midget geek with nothing but a string of successively worse voice actors to his name!"

"These are all coincidences!" objected Sonic. "Circumstantial evidence! There's nothing solid to suggest that our ladies have been doing anything sexual with Tails!"

"Well, I know how we can PROVEit!" Knuckles rallied, having inexplicably become the smart one in the group. "This will give you two your precious _video footage, _as well as irrevocably back up my point!"

"What?" Shadow and Sonic asked in unison, confused.

"Several weeks ago," Knuckles confessed, a blithe smirk appearing on his face, "I was at Rouge's house when she asked me to fix a leak in her bedroom ceiling. As I did so, I discreetly installed a web cam so that I… er… might be able to witness her changing clothes."

"What foul, grotesque, unnatural behavior," growled Sonic gutturally while aiming a video camera at the bathroom window of the woman next-door.

"So we can use that to see what Tails is doing over there!" Knuckles claimed triumphantly, walking over to his laptop. Sonic threw a bowling ball at it and the laptop was destroyed.

"YOU IDIOT! Why did you do that?" raged Knuckles.

"I'm trying to suppress reason and evidence in support of my own opinions and beliefs!" Sonic argued. "I figured it might get me into Bush's science advisory department!"

"_Thankfully," _Knuckles snarled, "my web cam is accessible from anywhere on the Internet, so that particular laptop doesn't count." He pulled out another laptop and imposed himself between Sonic and the computer, pulling up the right screen while Shadow restrained Sonic from repressing the evidence.

"At least somebody's interested in the truth," Knuckles remarked while bringing up the program.

"Nah," smirked Shadow, "I had other reasons." When pressed, Shadow refused to speak, but Knuckles noticed with some suspicion that Shadow's hands were on Sonic's biceps. Anyway, that's a little disturbing. Knuckles found the web cam feed and started playing it in Windows Media Player.

Tails, Amy, Tikal, and Rouge were all indeed at Rouge's house. They were all hanging out in the bedroom, holding cards in front of them. Amy was adjusting her shirt and jeans.

"Anybody up for another round, ladies?" Tails asked innocently, stacking the cards.

"I insist on a rematch!" demanded Tikal angrily. "I don't know how you're so good at it, but I intend to find out! You're with me, right, girls?"

"Definitely!" Amy grumbled. "I mean, why even bother putting my clothes back on if I'm gonna keep…"

"I'll play too," sighed Rouge, who was pulling the hem of her shirt over her stomach, "but on one condition. One of the girls gets to deal the cards this time!"

"OK, sure," Tails agreed, deadpan. "But if anybody catches the dealer cheating, they have to remove something no matter what, and the turn ends and the dealer changes. OK?"

"That's the rule we had from the start!" Amy declared. "But we could never catch you at it!"

"Maybe that means I wasn't cheating," grinned Tails slyly. "So who's gonna deal?"

"I guess I'll deal," Rouge said, taking the cards from Tails. "I have the most to lose, since I've lost the least except for Tails, so I'd better stay on the safe side."

"But no cheating!" reminded Tikal. Rouge gave her a no-really look as she passed out the cards. From where the camera was, Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow could see Tails' cards. He opened them up to reveal a two of spades, a three of clubs, a six of hearts, a ten of diamonds and an ace of diamonds.

"Isn't it obvious what they're playing at this point?" Knuckles argued. "It's obviously strip poker!"

"I don't see any clothes coming off!" Sonic complained, squirming free of Shadow's grip.

"How many do you each want to draw?" Rouge asked.

"I'll have one," Amy smirked, and Tikal requested four. Rouge dispensed these and turned expectantly to Tails.

"I'll have three," Tails said, looking worried. Rouge gave him the cards and Tails looked at them. The cards were the last three he needed for a royal flush- a jack, queen and king of diamonds. Sonic convulsed with rage at this phenomenal luck, while Shadow just looked glad there was a camera there. So far only Sonic was still refusing to believe that strip poker was taking place.

"I guess I fold this round," Tikal sighed, casting her cards down unhappily. "One of you girls will have to stick up for me, okay?"

"Yeah, I think I've got a pretty good hand," Amy said, leaning over to look at Rouge's cards.

"Ah ah ah!" scolded Tails. "That's cheating! If you want to team up, you have to have only one set of cards!"

"Oh, fine," grumbled Amy, glad that Tails had not counted it as cheating but instead warned her. "Maybe next turn if we have bad luck, Rouge?"

"Okay," Rouge said, focusing hard on the cards. "Um… I'll bet a jacket." (AN: Let's all assume that they're all wearing the same number of articles of clothing, even if the individual articles are different.)

"I'll see your jacket and raise you a belt and shoes," Tails chuckled.

"I fold," Amy gave up, dropping her cards and throwing her jacket into the pile. (Note: In real poker, if you put in money and then fold, you have to leave it in the betting pool. That's why she left what she had agreed to bet so far.)

"I'll see that and raise you… pants!" Rouge challenged daringly. Knuckles danced with joy at his good luck, apparently forgetting that Sonic, Shadow and Tails would be witnessing all this.

"Done!" Tails laughed. "Winner gets all the clothes!" With that, he placed down his royal flush. Rouge put down the three other kings, much to Tails' delight.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed very melodramatically, despite the fact that the same thing had happened several times already. "_Why _are you so good at this?"

"Good motivation," grinned Tails, catching the batgirl's pants, belt, jacket and shoes. Rouge sat and crossed her bare legs, fuming while she dished out the rest of the cards. Amy watched ruefully as Tails collected her jacket.

"I think I've got a better chance this time," Tikal mentioned as they collected their cards. "I'm going for it!"

"I fold," Amy sighed, giving up. "Win this one for me, girls…" She shivered without her jacket.

"I'm gonna team up with Tikal!" Rouge declared, making sure her lower half was obscured below the table.

"OK, but you have to have the same articles of clothing and, if you bet, you're betting the same things on both of you," Tails said calmly.

They grumbled about that for a while, but it was fair, so Tikal and Rouge traded around clothes until they had the same.

"I bet a shirt and a bra, or in my case an undershirt," Tails wagered, his cards hidden from the view of the three watchers.

"We bet…" The two girls conferred. "OK, why don't we stick with that."

"Unconfident, are we?" chuckled Tails.

"OK, fine, everything!" declared Rouge. Shadow passed out from ecstasy and delight, while Tikal and Amy gasped. Rouge looked nervous but determined, and Tails just looked amused.

"OK, I guess there's nothing else I can raise," Tails grinned. "Ready? Reveal the cards!'

They each had three kings.

"You're cheating!" screeched Tikal, pointing a finger at Tails. "How could there be more than 4 kings in a deck?"

"You dealt the cards!" accused Tails. "It must have been you!"

"Guys, stop arguing!" Rouge protested. "The only way we can settle this is by having both groups pay the same price."

"So should we both take it all off or keep it all on?" Tails asked, still looking a bit amused.

"Take it off!" Rouge and Tikal chorused, a bit reluctantly. "That way you can finally lose, and by a lot!"

"OK," shrugged Tails. "I guess I'll go first, then…" Knuckles, an acute homophobe, shuddered and averted his eyes. But Sonic kept watching- not out of lust for the fox boy, but out of curiosity to see how Tails reacted once he had finally been caught.

Tails stripped himself of all his clothes and… nothing. He looked exactly the same as he did in all the Sonic games.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" screamed Rouge, red with wrath.

Tails was convulsing with laughter. "You forget that in every Sonic game, I wear no clothes to start with! Did you think that just because we were playing strip poker, or because we were in a fanfic with sexual overtones, I would suddenly develop genitalia? You idiots!" Tails rollicked on the floor, literally blue in the face with his laughter. "EXTERNAL GENITALIA IS NOT CANON!" he screamed at the legions of Sonic smut writers out there. "At least not for men! But whereas none of the Sonic men ever wear clothing, the girls all wear clothing… AND FOR A VERY GOOD REASON! Ah, hahahahahahahahaha… you fools! You fell right into my trap!"

"How? You didn't really gain anything, it's just disappointing for us," Tikal said, confused.

"Don't you realize that you never would have bet all your clothes if I hadn't kept winning to get your expectations up?" grinned Tails evilly, rolling around with bliss. "You were so desperate that you were willing to stake anything! And now," he choked on his own mirthful tears, "now that I've done my part of the bargain… YOU HAVE TO DO YOURS!"

"_Nooooooooooo!" _screamed Rouge, pulling the hem of her shirt over her bare legs. "I won't do it, Tails! You can't make me!"

"No, I technically can't," Tails roared with laughter. "But why would anybody ever trust you again if you bet something and then take it back just because it's not going the way you had planned? You're trapped! There's no escape this time!"

"Dodged a bullet there," muttered Amy, wiping her brow. Shadow, who had woken up from his fit of ecstasy, also wiped his brow, glad to see that his girlfriend would not be stripping for Tails.

"This is outrageous!" Tikal defended. "Nobody would ever trust you again either if the only way you could win was by trickery!"

"But you will trust me again!" Tails grinned. "You were willing to play against me time after time, to see what my strategy was, and you lost every time! And now you can see what my secret weapon was- it was confidence, and not being afraid to bet big, because I had nothing to lose! And you'll try to play against me again, under different setups, but each time… each time, despite your efforts, you'll LOSE!" The ground shook as Tails cackled. "I don't feel proud of myself… but I'm not exactly ashamed either! My plot was PERFECT in every way! Now pay up!"

Burning with resentment and dislike, Tikal and Rouge stripped to everything but their underwear and stood around waiting for the other to go first. Amy sidled out thankfully, while Knuckles and Sonic shook with a mixture of rage and delight.

"Come on, get it over with!" Tails said impatiently. "Do you have to flip a coin?"

"Yes!" Tikal shouted, glaring expectantly at Rouge.

"So be it," shrugged Tails. "Heads or _Tails_, ladies?" He smirked at his pun.

"I'll take heads," Tikal said, glaring at Rouge. The batgirl sighed and agreed to tails.

"All right, then," Tails cackled. The coin spiraled up into the air and landed… tails up.

"You first, Rouge!" Tikal grinned as Rouge covered her face with embarrassment.

"You still have to go second, Tikal," Tails reminded her. "Come on, Rouge, fair is fair."

Sighing, Rouge reached behind her back and undid the clasp of her bra. But as it dropped, the four men watching the scene turned fluorescent scarlet with rage, surprise, shock or more rage.

"_What is the meaning of this?" _snarled Sonic, Knuckles, Tails and Shadow as large censors obscured anything of interest on Rouge's body. She blushed and covered herself up, even though there wasn't much need.

"You've been tricked!" howled Eggman, descending into Rouge's room in his latest maniacal invention…

THE EGG CENSOR!

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Oh noes! Will Eggman's new device be thwarted? Will Rouge ever escape with her dignity intact? And will the issue of Tails being a skirt-chaser ever be resolved? Stay tuned to find out! I know this chapter wasn't super-funny but I think it was good anyway.


	80. A Really Bad Exit Line

Sonic Insanity

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"Time for a plot device!" screamed Sonic, seeing Rouge's bountiful physique being only covered by Eggman's odd censoring machine. "Shadow, where's that Chaos Emerald?"

"I have something even better," Shadow replied, rummaging around and finding a mechanical device. "I got this at a store. We can use this to pull ourselves into any TV and emerge at the place the camera was filming! Of course, it'll be only used this once as a plot device, because there are too many possibilities for comedy to really pick one."

"You got it at a store?" Knuckles repeated, gazing at the weird-looking contraption. It looked like a large piece of tubing with many dials and valves. "What kind of store would give you one of these for free?"

"I didn't get it for free," Shadow answered, puzzled. "What made you think I did?"

"Well, assuming as you owned one, I knew it couldn't have cost much," sneered Knuckles.

"Guys, stop fighting!" cried Sonic as Shadow's veins began to bulge ominously with fury. "For the sake of, er, something involving the continuation of the plot, or something." He attached one end of the tube to the TV screen and jumped into the other end. Suddenly Sonic was gone and they could see him in the TV. Shrugging at the absurdity, Shadow and Knuckles jumped in as well.

"WHAT?" cried Tails angrily as his three friends fell to the ground beside him. "What's going on here? Uh, guys, I can explain…" Rouge, still censored, tried to put on her shirt, but the censors applied a painful shock.

"It's my _best _invention yet!" sang Eggman, strolling in without any other machines. "The outside is a black square that cannot be penetrated in order to see what's underneath… but the inside is a camera that gives me quality feedback!" Hearing this, Rouge wept.

"NEVER!" shrieked Tikal, then stopped talking for fear of growing a personality.

"Yeah, there's no way you'll succeed, Eggman! You always lose when you stop being funny in this story!" Shadow cried courageously, while Tails tried to explain the situation to an enraged echidna.

"Ha! But what you don't realize," Eggman chuckled corpulently, "is that this time, I don't need to _fight _you to defeat you! That's obviously not going to work! So I decided to think outside the box for methods that did not involve," and here he sneered, "_brute force."_

"So what's the new plan?" Sonic countered curtly, hoping to discover Eggman's plan through MVS, or Monologue-ing Villain Syndrome.

"You see, I don't need to have a big battle with you to achieve my goals," Eggman claimed confrontationally. "Now that I've planted those censors on your voluptuous lady friend, all I need to do is walk away until she gives you so much grief about losing her dignity that you start trying to take them off! But since that won't work, your only choice is to come to me for help…"

"And what would we have to do in exchange for your help?" Tails crowed concernedly.

"Nothing much… other than submission to SLAVERY TIL DEATH!" Eggman cackled caustically, and here the girls all sobbed dramatically. Well, so did Knuckles. In an additional note, this is the sixth time in a row that I've used the "c-ed c-ly" formula for character dialogue. You know, 'cackled caustically,' 'countered curtly.' Check it out.

"I won't do it!" shrieked Knuckles, dementia and love overwhelming logic and reason. He slung Eggman to the ground and began to choke the life out of him. "You hear me? You'll die before I let you make a whore out of my girlfriend!"

"Sega did that already," Sonic interrupted. Rouge slapped him.

"I did that already," Tails interjected helpfully. She slapped him too.

"Killing me won't solve your problems!" blubbered Eggman. "You're absolutely trapped! The only way out is to abandon Rouge's dignity and leave her to expose her flesh to millions across the globe!"

Sonic, Tails, Shadow and Tikal all looked at each other.

"We must all make sacrifices," Tails said somberly while dragging Knuckles away from his girlfriend.

"_WHAT?" _seethed Knuckles, foaming at the lips. He was stark raving mad with lust for his batty girlfriend. "I see I'll have to face you too! But I'm not worried… love prevails over all, in the end! My girlfriend's honor cannot be violated by Benedict Arnold friends or crude sex scams! Our love shall endure, make no mistake!"

"It's not easy for any of us, Knuckles," Shadow said, while wondering how long it would take Eggman to put the pictures on the Internet for his viewing pleasure.

"We all cared a lot about Rouge, too," Sonic tried to say, while wondering whether or not he could hijack the web cam Knuckles had been filming this whole sorry scene with.

"WAIT A MINUTE!" cried Tikal joyfully. All eyes turned to her. "I've come up with a great plan!"

"Um… look over there!" yelled Eggman while shooting her in the face. It didn't work since she was already dead, and he sat down with moody rage to hear her plan.

"Hold on… all those censors can take pictures of are what they're covering, right?" Tikal asked.

"Yes," Eggman said suspiciously. "But they'll still see Rouge's-"

"I know, but there will be nothing to identify her by!" Tikal exclaimed. "What I mean is, her face won't be visible! And therefore, you'll have to Photoshop her head onto her body, making everybody who sees the pictures immediately assume it's a fake! Even if Rouge has to reveal herself, nobody will recognize it's her because the pictures will either be anonymous or discarded as worthless!"

"Not quite!" smirked Eggman. "My plan still works, because you forget that I can look at the pictures and give them to whoever I want! Whether or not they know it's her, it'll still be humiliating because I can tell anybody I want who the pictures are of!"

Hearing this, Knuckles went mad. He ran at Rouge and tore at the censors, hoping against all odds to get them off so that his girlfriend would suffer only temporary exposure. Imagine his surprise when the censors turned out to not even have cameras on them, but to be pieces of black construction paper.

"CURSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEESSSSSS! My bluff has been ruined!" screeched Eggman at bloodcurdling volumes. "Technology moves on, and then I'll have my revenge!" He disappeared in a cloud of smoke and debris, which was probably caused by the fact that he had trampled through a wall in order to escape.

While Knuckles tried to "help" Rouge get her clothes back on, Tikal and Amy said their goodbyes and departed, and Sonic, Shadow and Tails conferred in low tones.

"You know, Knuckles is kind of mad about this whole thing," Tails muttered.

Sonic exploded. "KNUCKLES is kind of mad? You somehow managed to get our girlfriends to strip repeatedly for you of their own free will! We're _all _mad! You have some explaining to do! My only real friend in the house, a dirty cheater! At strip poker, too!"

"I forced them into nothing!" spat Tails. "They were all perfectly happy with me… more so than they ever were with you! I've been dating them under your collective noses for a long time, and the thing is, they all initiated it! They came over during Halloween when you guys were away and started seducing me! Face it, Sonic, you've failed to provide for your girl, and now you've faced the consequences!"

"You have a girlfriend too!" snarled Shadow. "What about Cream, eh? You feel no loyalty to her, do you?"

"Cream is a little girl!" Tails objected. "Not the kind of woman that I need! As Wolfmother would say, 'she's a-'"

Shadow shuddered involuntarily at the mention of the horrible 'band.' "Enough! We'll have to come to a truce! We won't tell Cream about your little adventures, if you never do anything like this again and you stay away from our ladies!"

Tails agreed, and they went back home. All was forgiven, except for a brief moment where Tails accidentally left the password to the web cam video unprotected. But all was soon well, and it was a fairly less murderous group that was sitting around the TV one cold February evening.

"And with that, John Edwards drops out of the presidential race for being an inefficient bungler," grinned the guy hosting the show, which was basically the television equivalent of NPR. "And now for the religious debate that has raged for the last few weeks: should the theory of gravity be taught to our schoolchildren? The right wing thinks not!"

The camera cut to a bald, middle-aged white man in a suit, who was sweating copiously and dabbing himself with a handkerchief. He sat at a conference table with two other nearly identical men. The left wing group was comprised of several various younger people who looked a little bit different from each other.

"There's a lot of so-called scientific evidence to support the controversial 'gravity theory,' but I don't buy it," announced one of the middle-aged man. "So this Isaac Newton guy just discovered gravity by an apple falling on his head? That's not science. That's lunacy."

"But Mr. Udders," objected a hippy-looking man on the Democratic side, "Newton didn't just invent gravity. He came up with laws and facts that have never been contradicted, and there is nothing to suggest that he was wrong."

The right-wing men smiled condescendingly, as if the left's logical fallacies should have been obvious to anybody. "Well," Mr. Udders said grandly, "you may think that this gravity business is all true. At least that's what the liberally biased, child-murdering, pro-truth, anti-belief scientists would tell you. But while these heretics are filling our children's minds with blasphemous proven facts instead of unsupported conjecture and folklore, they're also trying to keep the American public ignorant! With their seditious, _substantiated _data, they're supporting the terrorists!"

"Being against the idiotic elected officials of the current administration is _not _the same as wanting to murder innocents!" one of the left-wingmen screamed.

"Indecisive flip-flopping!" bellowed a right-winger in response, waving a corpulent finger. "The Bible never directly mentions gravity, and as we all know, the Bible is always right about everything. Since gravity is not part of God's world, it did not exist in Biblical times, and so it does not exist now! Unless these left-wing lunatics are trying to suggest that gravity _evolved _from something else, the same as their other ridiculous evolutionary suggestions?"

"Gravity did not evolve!" snapped a left-wing woman. "It simply wasn't understood in Biblical times, so they couldn't have written about it! Isaac Newton brought gravity to the public eye well after the Bible was written!"

"And who was Isaac Newton! A _scientist!" _howled the right wingman. "And we all know how they can't be trusted! Their research into new medical technology, ecology, the environment, human physiology, biology and DNA will destroy America!"

The debate went downhill from there. Tails was slack-jawed with disbelief at this stupidity. Shadow and Sonic, falling back on their usual emotional reaction to idiocy, were cursing, shrieking and roaring foul death threats at the TV screen. Knuckles was not smart enough to understand what was going on, so he

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Sonic Inanity

Please review, guys!

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"Hey guys! Like, wanna have a sleepover!" Sonic said.

"Totally! We can, like, have lots of hilarious things happen, like, even though sleepovers aren't, like, inherently funny!" Amy said, who was Sonic's girlfriend against all odds and canon.

"Right!" said Tails. So they called all their friends and they could all come! Except for the boring ones. They were playing cards or something. So a host of identical and useless characters all came over to party the night away!

"OMG where will we put our stuffs?" Charmy said cause like there wasn't enough room to put all their stuff! Everybody started acting all like depressed n crap cause they thought they would all have to go home n crap.

"I know!" shouted a girl who walked in. She was wearing a pink T-shirt that was cut to show her ribs, a navel ring, denim shorts, pink high heel shoes, and a bracelet with a Chaos Emerald in it. She was very beautiful and wore makeup. Her name was Mari Su and she was very beautiful, smart and perfect in every way! Did I mention she's my original character and I so didn't steal her from anywhere?

"Who are you?" Vector said in a deep voice cause he thought she was sexxi.

"My name is Mari Su the Hedgehog" she said back and she was so hot that nobody asked why she just walked in. "And I can help you fit all your stuff in this house! With this Chaos Emerald I can shrink all the stuff and make it fit!"

"Show us how," said Espio in his cool ninja voice. (AN: 4 all u flammers out their see I do know wat canon iz!!! OK??? I made Espio liek he is in teh viedo game!)

"All right," she said all flirty like cause you know she likes Espio! Vector growled angry cause he liked Mari Su and she was flirting with Espio! Oh noes! So anyway she showed how she would shrink the stuff to make it fit in the house and they were all happy!

"You know since you helped us you can stay over for the sleepover!" Tails said. She agreed and they all started playing truth or dare!

"Truth or dare?" asked Amy to Espio. They were sitting boy-girl-boy-girl in a circle. It was Sonic, Amy, Espio, Mari-Su, Vector, Cream, Tails, Rouge, Knuckles, and Tikal sitting together.

"I choose dare" Espio said smiling at Mari-Su. She smiled back and Vector growled again. (AN: Dont u guyz tink Im liek so good at romance???)

"I dare you to spin a bottle and whoever it ends up on you have to kiss!" Amy said triumphantly. Espio shrugged all ninja like and spun a bottle. It ended up on Mari-Su.

"OMG its like it was meant to be!" shouted Amy excitedly. Vector growled again and Espio and Mari-Su leaned in for the

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"What's going on here?" snarled Sonic, leaping up from his chair and addressing the people that had somehow found their way into his house. "Rouge, Tikal, Amy, I thought you went home! Team Chaotix, I didn't invite you here! Argue about your girl somewhere else!"

"I don't know what's going on here, either!" cried Espio, showing up for what may be the first time in this story. Someone check that. "We just found ourselves here to!'

"Go on, get out!" Shadow shouted, driving the unhappy masses out with a broom. "That was just vapid as anything! No wonder it's called INANITY and not IN_S_ANITY…"

"I mean, how much more contrived does a romance get?" Knuckles demanded, ushering Tikal out. "And the girl, Mari Su, oh my _god! _She was so clichéd and generic! Nothing original about her at all!"

"Who was responsible for this invasion?" growled Sonic, looking around. The girls and Team Chaotix all shook their heads. All eyes fell on Mari-Su.

"Um, er…" she stammered, her beautiful, perfect voice shaking. "I can explain… this wasn't just the author's ego trip-slash-pathetic lack of social ability…"

"Look here, OC-inserters of today," Sonic stated, standing up. "If you can't deal with the characters you've been given, you shouldn't be working with the constraints of fanfiction. If you're just fusing a few original ideas to a fanfiction template, you need to flesh out your ideas or become more original. In any case, including yourself in a fanfiction for a large amount of the story just shows that you don't socially belong anywhere except with characters that would only befriend you in your own imagination. Come on, get a life already! Stop living in your fantasy world and make fanfiction your pastime, not a vicarious experience!" Sonic glared at Mecha Scorpion, who was hanging out on the couch. "Thanks for giving me your little rant, _sir!"_

"It had to be said," Mecha shrugged as he tossed a long wooden stake from one hand to the other.

"Isn't including yourself in this story hypocritical?" Tails asked.

"Not when it's for the purpose of expressing a point that the characters don't directly deal with," said Mecha as he sat down next to Mari Su and flashed her a winning smile. She melted into his arms.

"But why not just have one of us stumble across a fanfiction site?" Shadow asked. "It's not too much work for us, you don't have to come in yourself…"

"I can't delegate all my work to you," Mecha shrugged as he found himself in the embrace of Mari-Su. "Sometimes you've got to handle things yourself. Besides, you wouldn't want to be forced into such an awkward voicing of my personal views, and I have to cut you a break _somewhere."_

"But then why even do it at all?" Knuckles inquired. "Let the audience figure something out themselves!"

"No, it's my duty," Mecha said coldly as he reached for something. The young author drove the stake through Mari Su's heart, spraying huge spurts of blood all over every surface. The walls and ceiling were painted red, and he thrust her out of his arms as she died.

"It's a messy job," he said, "but somebody's got to do it." And, looking directly at the camera in a very cheesy way, he got up and walked out, leaving the astounded Sonic crew to handle yet another _sticky _situation.

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Heh, personal ravings are fun. Please review!


	81. Friends Don't Let Friends Steal Babies

Sonic Insanity

Come on, reviewing isn't too hard. If you're uninspired, why don't you respond to this: Your mother is not only a filthy, dirty woman who would do literally anything for 25 cents, she sweats cooking oil. Why don't you review in order to defend yourselves and your collective mothers' reputations.

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"You wanna take this outside?" screeched Knuckles, waving his arms furiously.

"You idiot! We are outside!" Shadow pointed out. It was true. They were standing on the 4th of July picnic campground. Sonic, Tails, and their girlfriends watched uneasily, hoping that the argument would cease. Eggman, who was very poorly disguised as the cook, whistled nonchalantly and flipped a burger. He was wearing an apron that said I LOVE FOOD. Somebody had written below that AND IT SHOWS, signed LOVE, MOM.

"But I don't want to go outside!" whined Knuckles. "It's cold out!"

"It's the middle of summer!" shrieked Shadow, lunging in and tearing out Knuckles' top three vertebrae in a mist of viscera and gore. Knuckles screamed and screamed until his blood shot into his own throat and started to choke him, and Shadow laughed while clubbing Knuckles over the head with his own vertebrae, and everybody laughed along with…

And suddenly, Knuckles woke up from this recurring nightmare.

"Phew! Maybe I shouldn't have eaten that rubber tire right before bed… or at all, for that matter…" Sweat soaked the sheets. It was mostly his, thankfully, unlike that one time with the pinching hammock weasels. But that is another story. Knuckles glanced at the clock. It read 2:16 AM.

"Ugh… 2 in the morning… I gotta get some sleep or my big day tomorrow will be ruined!" Knuckles mumbled, his eyes bleary. "My big day in court, that is… sigh, what a mess." He did not say more for fear of the author cursing him with eleven toes or something.

You see, after Mecha Scorpion had murdered Mari-Su in the most overwhelmingly cheesy way imaginable, he had called the police, reported a murder on the premises, and disappeared merrily. They had tried to hide the body, but they were too busy arguing to actually do it (Sonic proposed running the corpse through a wood chipper, Shadow thought burying the remains would be best, Knuckles suggested putting the body on the roof, and Tails was too resigned and disgusted to care), so the police had arrested them all. Now they were on house arrest, waiting for their trial the next day.

Knuckles considered returning to Angel Island. After such a nightmarish year and some months, perhaps it would be better to turn towards simple Emerald-guarding. It's not like he was any good at it (it got stolen because he closed his eyes for all of ten seconds, perhaps don't put a big hole in the roof above it?) but at least it wouldn't involve being framed for murder by a vile and awful creator who…

"I mean, kind and benevolent creator who puts me through this for comedic purposes!" bleated Knuckles fearfully, gulping with terror as an automatic machine gun began to emerge from the wall in front of him. It retracted, and Knuckles wondered how it had gotten there. He walked to the wall where it had been and searched for a panel or section where it might be hidden, but the wall was now seamless again.

"Outrageous," growled Knuckles, stomping back into his bed. "The nerve of that author-" Suddenly a Civil War-era cannon appeared next to his bed, pointing right at him and about to fire. "-itarian regime in Germany during WWII," he recovered hastily, and the cannon turned back into his bedside table. Knuckles did not sleep well that night.

In the morning, Sonic, Tails and Knuckles were all woken up by an earsplitting noise that sounded like Niagara Falls being hit by a nuclear warhead. The sound waves caused the wallpaper to peel from the walls, and Sonic was thrown out of his bed into the hall. Tails sailed over him, trying to regain control of his tails so he could fly to a safe landing.

"_What's going on?" _he yelled as Knuckles bounced down the stairs. "Knuckles, _what is happening down there?!?"_

Knuckles tried to speak, but his jaw had dropped. Sonic's fears were not assuaged when the echidna yelped and dodged a laser blast that surely would have vaporized him. He and Tails bounded down the stairs, leaping another laser, and took a look at what was going on.

Shadow was shooting lasers from all over his body, staring at a soon-to-be-obliterated computer screen. Sonic took a look at the Firefox browser that was open, his heart thudding with terror. It was The story in question was called SHADOW'S TRUE PAST, written by one kawaiikristian42.

Seeing this, Knuckles unwisely snickered. Shadow looked at the echidna, and Knuckles was suddenly on fire. Working together, Sonic, Tails and the burning echidna managed to subdue Shadow and keep his hands away from the Chaos Emeralds. The black hedgehog was completely insane with rage. Foam flecked his lips and he was totally out of control.

"THAT- THAAAAAAAAT- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" he howled at unprecedented volumes. Tails nervously looked at the ninth chapter of Shadow's True Past, entitled Shadow Asks Maria On A Date. The fox boy cleared his throat and began to read aloud:

Shadow was asking Maria's dad, Gerald Robotnik, if he could go out with Maria. They were sitting on couches in Robotnik's living room.

"_Well, you seem like a nice kid- after all, I made you," chortled Robotnik. "And my daughter is quite fond of you, so I'm going to let you go out with her, as long as your intentions are purely honorable."_

_  
He cast a careless hand toward one of the walls, and Shadow was horrified to see the severed heads of many other young men mounted on the wall. The boys seemed to get older from left to right, as Maria grew older… Shadow then saw the pistol held a little _too _casually in Robotnik's hand._

"_Don't worry, I'll, um… I'll be good, sir," he muttered, not daring to even touch Maria now. Luckily the old scientist died a few years later. After Maria finished mourning, they quickly got down to their first hand holding, their first kiss, and their first time in one night. They were just about to get down to some serious business when young Eggman showed up. Seeing Shadow with Maria, he immediately vowed that all hedgehogs must be purged from the earth as a result of Shadow's activities. And so Shadow was forced to go into hiding, allowing Eggman to hunt Sonic for…_

"This isn't that bad," Tails confessed. "It just said that Gerald Robotnik was an insane murderer and that you went out with Maria and that you let all your crimes get pinned on Sonic."

"Scroll down!" shrieked Shadow insanely. Tails nervously looked further towards the bottom of the screen.

"Giddy up, donkey!" cried Instructor Jeremy jubilantly, his fat swaying in time to the marimba beat coming from the stereo. In front of him, Shadow bounded forward on hands and knees as fast as he could, moving right toward the obese marimba-loving Instructor type.

_  
"OOOOOOOF, that was a good one!" Instructor Jeremy gasped as Shadow crashed into his enormous belly. "Wow! I really felt that one! You're a good little fatty! Have a treat, you disgusting slob!" Instructor Jeremy reached into a barrel of whole cooked chickens and threw one at Shadow, who looked doubtfully at this "treat."_

"_You know, it's sort of hypocritical to call me fat," said Shadow as Instructor Jeremy shifted his 550-pound bulk to a more comfortable position._

"_Nonsense! I'm as slim as a yo-yarn-tongue!" cackled the Instructor, spraying food everywhere. "You, though… man, better lose some of that excess glucose, man! You can tell me how it feels! Confide in me!" Instructor Jeremy leaned forward conspiratorially with a large sloshing sound. "Come on, fatty, clue me in! What's it like to be _FAT?_" Instructor Jeremy cackled again with great heaves of his lard-like stomach. "Yuk, yuk, yuk!"_

_Shadow did his best not to gag with revulsion, shoving the chicken down his throat instead. He spat out a heap of clean bones to the side, wiping his mouth on the wall. _

"_Good trick, plump boy!" approved Instructor Jeremy. "Man, you look like a pregnant woman in side profile… when you're facing me! Yuk, yuk, yuk! Now give me another one right here!" He patted his enormous stomach fondly… a little _too _fondly. "Come on, you know you want to!"_

_Shadow dry-heaved, already preparing for the onerous task of running as fast as he could into Instructor Jeremy's greasy tummy. He pounced, the enormous apocalyptic wall of blubber looming nearer and nearer with every…_

Tails could no longer read the screen because Shadow had opened up the back of the monitor and vomited inside. SYSTEM ERROR flashed across the screen, followed by a smaller message: _If difficulties continue, call Tech Support. If they can't help you, admit that you've been pwned, noob. LOL (Lots of 1337) from Bill Gates._

"That's disgusting," said Tails distastefully. On the floor, Sonic was writhing in mixed revulsion and hysteria.

"_Disgusting?" _shrieked Shadow, punting the computer out the window and wincing at the mess. "It's vile! It's disastrous! It's perverted and foul and demeaning and ridiculous and OK I'm done."

"Good," Sonic said, relieved. They all walked into the kitchen, Sonic immaturely flipping off the security cameras that had been installed due to their house arrest, and began to eat.

"Seriously though," Shadow argued around a mouthful of egg that he had somehow served himself almost immediately upon entering the kitchen, "that kind of thing is just juvenile and unfair to me! I have no legal forum to defend myself in!"

"You could take the case to court, but that would imply that you thought the story was inaccurate," snickered Knuckles. Once Sonic and Tails had restrained Shadow from squeezing Knuckles' head until his brain slid through his neck and was impaled on his spinal column, breakfast continued.

"I know what it's like," Sonic said almost sympathetically. "It's bad enough listening to that 80s techno in the video games, but do you know what my musical tastes are in _fanfiction? _They're dreadful!"

"Once I had one where I sang the lyrics to Godsmack's _I Stand Alone _at a high school talent show!" Shadow squalled unhappily.

"I had one where I sang along with Avenged Sevenfold's most annoying song ever!" Sonic pointed out.

"_Seize the Day_?" Knuckles asked.

"No, it wasn't a single," Sonic muttered.

**AN: Only people who have heard the song will get this joke. If you haven't heard it, type in Strength of the World in YouTube. Choose the Final Fantasy music video version by VoodooDaddy, it's the best one. It's titled _Advent Children- A7X- Strength of the World._ If you don't want to listen to the whole song, go to around 2:45 to 3:10 and listen to that part specifically. This is a good-natured parody, as I like Avenged Sevenfold.**

The flashback began in the fanfiction Sonic was reading. Sonic's band, which consisted of Sonic on lead vocals and rhythm guitar, Shadow on lead guitar, Tails on bass and Knuckles on drums, was limbering up to play their first song.

"Give it up for the Tortellini Brothers and their cover of Avenged Sevenfold's _glorious _song, Strength of the World!" the MC said nervously. A spotlight came onto Sonic and the song began. Sonic began to slowly strum out an acoustic intro to the song, accompanied by occasionally chords from Shadow's guitar.

Suddenly, it plunged into chaos as Shadow and Tails began to shred out a simplistic but heavy riff. Knuckles slammed at the skins while Sonic began to sing in an obnoxiously high-pitched voice.

"My stoorrrrrryyy staaaaaaarts the daaaaayeeeee they said she can't be fooooouuund," he slurred/shrilled in a devastatingly irritating way. As the song went on, Sonic expanded on this "amazing" narrative: lost love, death, murder and revenge. He did it all in a horrendous way, sometimes deepening his voice in a hilarious, faux-tough fashion.

Then the chorus went in, and things really went out of hand. Sonic began to sing in a dreadful way that would surely incite rage and disgust in Headwater Daddy were he here to witness it. The crowd gang-shouted part of the chorus, and Sonic carried on the rest in a hideously annoying fashion.

"STRENGTH OF THE WORLD!" bellowed the audience.

"Is ooooonnnn my shooooooooouuuuuuuuldeeeeeeaaaayeeeeeeers," shrieked Sonic, almost dislocating his jaw with the force of twisting the words. He seemed to be trying to cram as many vowels into the word "shoulders" as he could.

"STRENGTH OF THE WORLD!"

"Is oooooooonnnn my siiiiiiiiiiiiiiyiyiyiyeeeeeeeedddddeeeeeeee," wailed Sonic, and Tails began to play a little bit louder on his bass in hopes of drowning Sonic out.

"STRENGTH OF THE WORLD!"

"The one true behoowoooowoooooowooldeeeeaaaaaayeeeeeaaaaarrr," grated Sonic over the now ridiculously loud bass, trying to say "beholder" with as many syllables as possible. Knuckles played a mini-drum-solo and it was ignored in the wake of Sonic's dismal singing. Sadly it was not much different than the actual song.

"ICE IN MY VEINS!" the audience cried.

"For those who've diiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeddddddddddd," Sonic whined with a bit more restraint, and Tails stopped randomly strumming his bass in a last-ditch attempt to make Sonic shut up.

After the concert, Sonic was massaging his voice box, which he had driven past normal endurance to produce such horrific noises. Tails was glaring at him, while Knuckles was merely envious that Sonic could do that without having to use a blowtorch on a cat.

"Hey, boys," said a man in a business suit. "I work for Roadrunner Records. You boys might just have yourselves a six-figure recording deal for three albums."

End flashback…

"I do not sing like that!" screamed Sonic apoplectically, his veins audibly and visibly beating.

"Come on, show us!" invited Tails, and immediately everybody began to pressure Sonic to replicate his ghastly fictional singing. Finally Sonic caved in, cleared his throat and tried to sing.

"Strength of the world!" yelled Shadow, Knuckles and Tails in unison, enthusiastically.

"Um, is on my shoooOOOOOOOuuuuldEEEEERs," tried Sonic, his voice cracking five separate times in succession, and scowled as three chairs collapsed and their occupants almost died laughing.

Suddenly their intercom buzzed from the security detail outside. "The trial is coming, guys. Time to leave."

Still shaking with mirth and/or rage, the posse hustled outside and went to the courthouse.

"Don't we get a lawyer?" asked Sonic as they were ushered into the defense box.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" chuckled a very suspicious voice from the judge's box. Tails' heart almost stopped. He knew that voice. Actually, he didn't, but it was pretty scary anyway. His eyes swept past the jury box (which looked mostly normal), past the prosecution box (which held Mari-Su's family; two boring-looking parents who would have died tragically/let her inherit a huge fortune had she still been alive) and to the judge's seat.

Sitting in it was the long-mentioned Headwater Daddy. He had abnormally short brown hair, glasses, and a fiendish smirk that suggested pure mischief going on. His lanky long legs were stretched out, and he was performing a drum solo using the gavel. He rolled his blue eyes in some kind of attempt to wiggle his eyebrows, gave up, and began to speak.

"Well, now, me flagging stork communists," he bragged, "isn't this just the finest state of the union affairs to be in? To think that a little old humbug like me could be judgifying your _lovely _trial with a bobcat attempt motor? But don't worry," he grinned as a mustache grew on his face long enough to twitch menacingly, and then disappeared again. It was in this moment that the intrepid foursome realized how random and insane of a person they were dealing with, and all tried to not even move for fear of triggering more psychoses.

"I have one _small _iota of Swedish Kaiser advice for you, me swastika goblins," recommended Headwater Daddy, drinking from a small glass of water that served as the head of his gavel. He tried to bang the gavel and drink at the same time and ended up swallowing the gavel by mistake. "What you should do is, give up now while I'm in a good mood and won't whine periodic deathless words, knaaaaamean? I mean, that pirate ahoy gargling was pretty abnaciousized, but she don't look like it! Your mother, I mean," Headwater Daddy confided. "She don't look like a trumpet belt assassin fryer!"

"What did you say?" Knuckles asked.

Suddenly a look of pure fear and hatred came over Headwater Daddy's face. The gavel he had swallowed started to play Knuckles' mini-drum-solo from the Strength of the World cover, inside his stomach, and when he held his belly with pain he looked much like Instructor Jeremy.

"Where you takin' my baby?" he gasped, eyes narrowing in order to figure out the conspiracy. "WHERE YOU TAKIN' HER, HUH? I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY BABY! She ain't been prohibited! I won't allow it to happen! My story starts the day they said she can't be found! My baby will never be found! I mean she'll always be found, you hear me? I'll die before I let you take my BABY!" Headwater Daddy shrieked ravenously, pawing at a ceiling light. Shadow was reminded of Sonic when he had his puppy Claudio.

"Who's your baby?" questioned Shadow uncertainly, not seeing any. Headwater Daddy smirked and pointed victoriously toward an aerial photograph of South Dakota. Before anybody could ask what this meant, a dry voice rang out in the courtroom.

"All rise for the honorable prosecuting attorney!" said the prosecuting attorney as he walked down the aisle. Heads turned and mouths opened with awe, usually because the prosecuting attorney forcibly turned/opened them himself to make the reaction seem more awed. The four in the defense box recognized him, and all leaped to their feet with righteous rage. Headwater Daddy, though, was the most unhappy of all.

"_You!" _he spat vociferously. "You're the one who took my baby away from me!"

"Yeah," said Mecha Scorpion, the prosecuting attorney, "and I'll prohibit you from taking her back til the day I die!" And he winked at the Sonic foursome while taking his seat beside Mari-Su's distraught parents.

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Oh noes! The fabled Headwater Daddy finally makes a major appearance! Mecha Scorpion doing all he can to land his characters in jail, although they will no doubt escape it in minutes! What will happen next? Review!


	82. I Brought Her Killers To Their Knees!

Sonic Insanity

Note: About the identity of Headwater Daddy: Headwater Daddy is an alias one of my friends came up with to anonymously review my story. He has reviewed under other aliases, such as Astronomy Typeless Butterfly and Millions of Peaches, but I call him Headwater Daddy in my story. I decided to put him in just because I know he'll like it, and also to communicate some of his randomness. He is like that in real life.

Also, some people have requested that I cut back on personal appearances in this story. I will try to do so after this chapter.

Also, I have a cool brain puzzle for everybody:

"**This is the first lie I've ever told," said Sonic.**

Is the above statement the truth or a lie?

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"Mecha!" gasped Sonic. Finally, here was the author! "Maybe you can get us out of here!"

"No chance, kiddies, I just put on this getup to outwit security," Eggman chortled, slipping out of the costume. Headwater Daddy relaxed and began counting the ceiling tiles while staring at the floor. "You wouldn't really think the author would come to your rescue, did you?"

Knuckles seethed. "Well, there go our chances of a fair trial. As if we had any to start with. But I seem to recall you taking a stint in a court room before, Eggman, and you lost that case against us." Tails nodded, remembering the same event.

Eggman puffed up with indignant outrage. "My legal skills now put my old ones to shame! Over the last few months, I haven't been a stranger to the distinguished law firms and courts of our country. I've acquired quite the knowledge of the legal process!"

"That's more than I can say for you!" accused Headwater Daddy. Everybody looked at him with disgust and he fell asleep.

"What were these so-called 'distinguished law firms,' Eggman?" smirked Shadow. "Sleazy Jim's Attic Fishing Attorneys?"

The portly villain turned red with wrath. "I'll have you know that that is a respectable law firm that deals mostly with domestic fish and game accidents! They provide a valuable service to our nation! You're fine with them doing the jobs you don't want to do, but you're happy to insult them for it, and it's this kind of intolerant-"

"Attic Fishing is not a dirty job, it's just ridiculous!" objected Knuckles.

"Objection sustained!" Headwater Daddy said in his sleep. Everybody looked at him again and he woke up, much to the dismay of all. Sonic saw what looked like fear or uncertainty on Eggman's face. The doctor would do his best to land them all in jail, but Headwater Daddy was so random that there was no predicting who would triumph. He might even discount all legal evidence in favor of the old "heads-or-tails" method of justice.

Eggman was talking to Mari-Su's anonymous boring parents, Tails was snickering about the attic fishing debacle, Sonic was glaring at the fox and scheming about how to obtain that video with Rouge in it, and Knuckles and Shadow were arguing.

"Look, you dolt," Shadow hissed, taking out a piece of paper and writing a word on it, "'octopus' has seven letters! Count em, SEVEN! O, that's one, C, two, T, three, O, four, P, five, U, six, S, SEVEN! O-C-T-O-P-U-S, seven letters!"

"No way! It's got to have eight letters! Why else would it be called an OCTO-pus, then?" Knuckles challenged. "Oct is the Roman word for eight!"

"An octopus has eight LEGS, not eight letters in its name!" shrieked Shadow dementedly. "How foolish can you get?"

"Well, obviously it has eight letters in its _name, _I was talking about letters you get in the mail," sneered Knuckles, rolling his eyes at Shadow's stupidity. While Shadow went into spasms of murderous rage and Knuckles innocently explained his Mollusk Postage-Roman Name Theory, Tails leaned over to talk to Sonic.

"What do you think Headwater Daddy was talking about when he said we were going to take his baby?" Tails said in an undertone. "That was the only time he made any sense at all…"

"I know," Sonic lied. "That's his weakness. We'll have to somehow take advantage of that."

"How? What can we say about his baby that won't make him mad?" Tails asked. Sonic shrugged.

"Order in the court!" Headwater Daddy cried, using his fists as a gavel. "The Honorable Judge Daddy presiding! Some suspiciously fat doctor for the prosecution! A bunch of drowned hobos for the defense! Do something!" He sat down with a shifty grin and began eating a sandwich.

Eggman waddled out of his chair and began to deliver his speech. "On the night of January 19th at 8:33 PM, at the residence of-"

"I don't care about specific details, get to the point!" Headwater Daddy bellowed, ripping a hunk out of his sandwich by sinking in with his teeth and then shaking his head until the morsel came free.

Eggman looked alarmed for a moment, then quickly regained his composure. "Anyway, so last night, at Sonic's house, Mari-Su was stabbed to death with a blunt instrument. The police were-"

"Objection!" argued Tails. "How do you stab somebody to death with a blunt instrument?"

"Your mom found out last night!" cackled Headwater Daddy, throwing his sandwich in Tails' face and roaring with diabolical laughter. When people started muttering at this unorthodox method of judging, he fell silent and started picking his teeth.

"The modus operandi of the murderer is irrelevant," Eggman fibbed, glaring at the Sonic quartet. "What is more important is the actual murderer. Somebody had a change of heart and called the police to report the murder. These four were all found on the premises."

"What's your point?" asked Sonic, trying to be smart.

"The point is," Eggman sneered as if mortally offended at conversing with a low-down criminal, "that due to no other good suspects being around, Sonic the Hedgehog, Tails the Fox/Kitsune, Knuckles Moriarty Echidna and Shadow the Hedgehog are all guilty of murder!"

Tails opened his mouth. Knuckles shot him a lethal glare, but the fox/kitsune was not concerned with Knuckles' odd middle name.

"How can we all be guilty of murder, Your Honor? Only one blow could have killed her," Tails said, trying to sound as respectful as possible.

Headwater Daddy pondered this for a moment. "She could have been killed four times!"

"That's not possible," Sonic mentioned.

Quick as a flash, Headwater Daddy was out of his seat and standing in the prosecutor's box, shoving Eggman out of the way. "Objection!" he yelled. He ran back to the judge's seat. "Objection sustained." He ran back.

"Thank you, Your Honorable Dolphin-Lotion-Vendor," he simpered, acting like a lawyer for reasons unknown. "Contradicting the judge and proven facts of nature!"

"It is not a proven fact of nature that somebody can be killed more than once!" Shadow complained. "In fact, quite the reverse!"

"I know," said Headwater Daddy, back in the judge's box, "but I don't care so what you think doesn't matter."

"Objection!" objected Tails. "Discarding evidence in favor of personal-"

"_Objection, objection!" _Headwater Daddy cruelly mimicked, flapping his hands and rolling his eyes to imitate Tails. "Does it _look _like I care about the laws of science or other such irrelevant factors that might decide the outcome of a murder trial?"

"Of course not, Your Honorific," he smirked, standing back at the judge's spot again. Eggman by now was thunderstruck with uncertainty and rage.

"Thank you, _good _lawyer," Judge Headwater Daddy complimented while subtly pressing a button that caused Sonic's chair to suddenly fall out from under him. The entire audience laughed at this, but that may have been because Headwater Daddy had found a pistol and was holding the throng at gunpoint.

"ORDER IN THE COURT!" the judge bellowed, shooting the pistol into the crowd and randomly killing people instead of banging the gavel. Why he had bothered to make them laugh if he was only going to kill some of them just for doing so was, like the rest of his actions, unclear. Perhaps he just wanted an excuse to see some violence. "I will not tolerate amusement in my courtroom! That can wait until the death penalty is administered! Lawyer Eggman fella, proceed. Do you have any pieces of evidence you wish to submit?"

"No," Eggman admitted painfully, wishing he had brought a blood sample or the murder weapon.

"Any witnesses you wish to call to the stand?"

"Um… none of those, either," Eggman muttered.

"Any cross-examination?" Headwater Daddy asked.

"None," Eggman said shamefully. The courtroom burst into applause in admiration of Eggman's legal skill, cued by Headwater Daddy reaching for his gun.

"Wait! I do have some witnesses!" Eggman burst out, and everybody began to murmur with disapproval at these unconventional tactics. Headwater Daddy fired his gun several times, and once the corpses were cleared out there was complete silence.

"Who are these witnesses?" asked the judge, obviously bored.

"I call Sonic the Hedgehog to the stand!" Eggman bellowed, pointing dramatically. Mari-Su's mother cleared her throat and moved Eggman's finger so that it pointed at Sonic instead of the wall. Applause filled the courtroom.

"What if I refuse?" Sonic seethed angrily.

"You can't! You must do your duty as a witness to aid the legal process!" Eggman argued. "Judge, what's the rule about that?"

Headwater Daddy was ignoring everybody. He was busy playing a game on his graphing calculator. "Wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-wah-a-Pac-Man! Go, go, go, little yellow piece of piece with a slice missing! Wah-a-wah-a-wah-ah- YES! I hit an invincible dot!" Headwater Daddy pumped his fist, much to the amazement of all, and continued doing the sound effects. "Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee-wee- TIME'S UP! Woo-woo-woo-woo-wah-a-wah-a-wah-ah-" The judge began to lean left and right in a desperate attempt to make Pac-Man go the direction he wanted to. "Wah-a-wah-ah- a sneak tunnel! Ah-hah-haaa! Eat my dust, you fascist ghost-sheeted savages! You'll soon learn not to mess with the only man who could eat his way out of a stainless steel helium pump and live to tell the-"

"What is his problem?" Knuckles asked to Shadow.

"Rumor has it he pleasured himself as a child by running head-on into a wall so hard that a picture frame on it fell down and landed on his head," Shadow muttered. "Then he would hang it up again and repeat the process until he didn't know how to add two plus three." Knuckles shivered with horror at such a freakish childhood indulgence.

"OH NOES!" screamed Headwater Daddy, drawing all attention to him once again. "They've got me surrounded, I tell ya! Mayday, mayday, we're going down! Abort, abort!"

"I wish your wife had aborted," snickered Eggman to Mari-Su's father very inappropriately, considering that Mari-Su's dad had just lost a daughter.

"It's all over, abandon ship! Womdren and me first! They've got me… O Captain, my Captain, something about a ship! Wah-a-wah-a-BLOOOOOOOOOOO-doo-doo!" Headwater Daddy hurled his graphing calculator indignantly into the audience, turned back to Eggman, and smiled. "I'm sorry, what were you saying?"

Eggman started to speak. "Well, I was going to ask if I was allowed to call Sonic as a-"

"That's incorrect, five hundred dollars for being in contempt of court by lying," Headwater Daddy grinned. Eggman opened his mouth in outraged protest, and Headwater Daddy grew serious while reaching for his gun. Eggman glumly shut his mouth and the judge smiled smarmily.

"I'll bring my daughter's killers to their knees!" shrieked Mari-Su's father furiously, standing up. "You hear me? I'll bring 'em to their knees!"

"That is enough," said Headwater Daddy, and Mari-Su's dad muttered "to their knees" before subsiding. "Does the defense have anything to say in their… defense?"

"Yes!" Shadow blurted. "The prosecution hasn't produced a single speck of evidence that proves us guilty! There is nothing to suggest that we were at fault! The murderer was actually Me-" He stopped, expecting himself to be hit by lightning or something, then went on. "The killer was Mecha Scorpion!"

Everybody gasped, apparently taking a murder suspect's accusations at face value. Headwater Daddy raised an eyebrow so high that it detached itself and started meandering around all over his forehead. Eggman went mottled blue with rage. Mari-Su's dad shrieked that he would bring his daughter's killers to their knees.

"This is an interesting turn of events," a juror commented, "but how can we arrest Mecha Scorpion? If we do, he'll curse us all with warts or ransom or something!"

"Nonsense! I personally know Mecha Scorpion!" chortled Headwater Daddy. "He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag, and I should know!"

"Why should you know that?" asked Tails nervously.

"Killers to their knees," Mari-Su's dad grumbled.

Suddenly the court gasped as the sound of a gun being loaded echoed throughout the room. Headwater Daddy realized that he was missing his gun and started to get out of his chair, but cold steel pressed the back of his head.

"Now, now, old friend," Mecha Scorpion said smoothly, emerging from behind the chair. "No funny business, see, or your brains will be all over the front row… or at least the Splash Zone glass barrier in front of them," he added sourly as such a barrier was erected.

"Marine-themed amusement park-owning entrepreneurs such as myself always take these small security precautions," bragged Headwater Daddy as Eggman realized that he was uncomfortably inside the Splash Zone.

"How is your brain matter marine-themed, or at all amusing?" Eggman asked with disgust. Headwater Daddy gave a sly grin, tapped his jaw with his fingers, and left the rest for interpretation.

"So we meet again," Mecha Scorpion said, turning around Headwater Daddy while still holding the gun to the judge's head. "Do you know how uncomfortable I was, hiding behind your chair? Luckily I had a mini-TV to keep me occupied." He held up a mini-TV on which an episode of South Park was playing.

"Tom Cruise married Katie Holmes in order to use her as a virgin sacrifice for the demonic spirit of L. Ron Hubbard, thus creating an apocalyptic Scientology-believing wasteland! Holy leaps in intuitive logic, Batman!" Cartman squealed. Suddenly a giant celebrity ego/bodily function joke fell out of the sky and crushed Kenny.

"Oh my god they killed Kenny! This is still funny despite the whole joke being the repetition!" screeched Kyle. "Time to die, zombie scum/funny celebrity/evil recurring character!" A supposedly humorous fight scene/climactic scatological reference occurred and the end credits rolled. Mecha Scorpion began to mutter that he hadn't been watching that.

"Enough!" Eggman yelled. "Why are you holding him at gunpoint? What are you trying to get away with?"

Mecha Scorpion smirked, and then realized that Eggman was right. "Nothing, actually… I was… um, you know, just… er, hanging around…" The courtroom began to fidget and sigh. "Uh, I gotta go!" Mecha suddenly vanished into thin air, if by that you mean he threw the gun at Knuckles and jumped out the window.

"Anyway, what's the verdict?" snarled Sonic. "Are we free or not?"

"Um…" Headwater Daddy pulled a coin out of his pocket. "Call it."

"Tails!" Eggman said readily. Tails the Fox started at the sound of his name then ignored Eggman.

"I will not have my imprisonment left to mere_ chance!" _yowled Shadow, his quills in total disarray. Mari-Su's dad added that it was as good as murderers deserved, and that he would also bring his daughter's killers to their knees. But Sonic had a clever idea.

"Headwater Daddy," he said slowly, "if you let us go free, we'll give you back your baby."

Headwater Daddy tensed, like a cat ready to spring. His beady eyes glared from under his eyebrows, which he couldn't have raised one at a time if his life depended on it (which it once had). All in all he looked like a man on the edge, with nothing to lose.

"WHERE'S MAH BABY?" he screamed, the gavel rattling inside his stomach. "I want my BABY BACK!"

"Ribs," snickered a juror. When nobody laughed he wailed and fell off a cliff he had pulled out of his pocket.

"We'll give it back to you, if you let us go free," said Shadow, catching on and picking up a stapler.

Headwater Daddy's eyes flickered back and forth between the stapler and Shadow. "All right, it's a deal!" When Mari-Su's dad and Eggman began to foam at the mouths with rage, the judge reached for his gun threateningly (although Mecha Scorpion had stolen it before, but nobody realized that) and they subsided. "Now give me my BABY!"

"Here, catch!" said Knuckles, and Shadow tossed the stapler at him. Headwater Daddy caught it and began weeping with joy at being reunited with his baby. It turned out that Headwater Daddy did not have an actual baby, and would simply bond with any item he came across. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Shadow all high-tailed it out of there.

"That was a close one," gasped Sonic. "If it weren't for that insane judge…"

"We wouldn't have been arrested, since a real judge would have dismissed it as ridiculous," Shadow sneered. Sonic kicked him in the teeth.

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That should be the end of the self-insertions for a while, guys. Review please, let's go for 1000 reviews by 90 chapters!


	83. The Author Doesn't Appear In This One

Sonic Insanity

The self-inserts were treated with scorn for some reason, so I'll be leaving those alone for a couple more chapters. Review please, your comments are important.

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The trial was over. Headwater Daddy and Mecha Scorpion had both gone somewhere else to settle their differences, Eggman had dramatically flounced off to his "secret" lair, and the four heroes had returned to their homes. At that very moment, Sonic and Knuckles were having a fevered debate about who would win in a fight.

"No way! Spider-Man would just web up Master Chief's helmet so he couldn't see!" argued Sonic.

"Master Chief has that suit of armor, though," Knuckles disagreed, "and all those vehicles! Once Spider-Man ran out of web fluid, Master Chief would have some serious Needler dual-wieldage going on and POW! Spider-Man would be dead!"

"Spider-Man doesn't run out of web fluid unless he's not confident in his powers!" Sonic shouted, slamming a fist down on the table.

"In the comics he does! The web fluid is something he made himself and he shot it using a mechanical system, it wasn't biological!" Knuckles snarled. "In issue 124, when he was fighting The Furious Fiddling Fernandez, Spider-Man used up all his webbing and then he couldn't save Mary Jane when The Furious Fiddling Fernandez pushed her off a building, so Spider-Man had to call the fire-guy from Fantastic Four to save her, but then there was this romantic subplot with Torch Boy and Mary-"

Shadow exploded. "WILL YOU SHUT UP? I have no interest in hearing you prattle on about the Furious Fiddling Fernando or some such meaningless squabbling! I have the Chapelle Show to watch!"

"The Chapelle Show? Like OMG!" squealed Sonic as he ran over to watch. The skit showed a white woman arguing with her black boyfriend, who was Dave Chapelle.

"All I'm saying is if you put the seat down… just _once _in a while!" ranted the white woman in an obnoxiously white manner, eliciting large chuckles from the laugh track.

The black man looked about ready to blow up, but then his face settled into a look of obedience. "Yes, ma'am, Miss Huntington. You want me to do anymore work for y'all?"

"Now don't start _this _routine!" she yelled. "I don't think it constitutes slavery for me to ask you for one little thing around here!"

"No, ma'am, Miss Huntington," the black man said tonelessly. "Want me to go chop up some kindling or haul some rice in from the plantation? Could fetch you some water from the well…"

"I WILL NOT LET YOU DO WHATEVER YOU WANT AROUND HERE AS A FORM OF REPARATIONS!" the white woman screamed at the top of her Caucasian lungs.

"Thirty bales of rice in by sunset? Sure thing, ma'am, Miss Huntington, and you want me to go scare off those pesky abolitionists that keep showing up?" the black man said, fighting to keep the smirk off his face.

The episode ended a few minutes later and Knuckles changed the channel to the Dane Cook show. Dane Cook was strutting around like a fool on stage, outlining his latest moronic scheme.

"So I was thinking, right? I was just thinking, right, thinking about something?" pressed Dane Cook, flailing his arms in a "comical" manner. "I was thinking about how people always talk about the weather, right? People always talk about the weather, like it changes or something. I mean, it's either gonna rain or sunshine or snow or be cloudy, or some mixture of those, right? So the next time somebody tries to talk to me about the weather, I'm gonna just POW smack them in the face!" Dane Cook contorted all his limbs into a bizarre semblance of a fist to the nose. "And they'll be like why'd you do that? And I'll be all like, cause I hate the weather!" Knuckles shrieked with hysterical laughter.

Dane Cook turned around and stared at the camera in a dramatic way and nobody at all laughed, not even the laugh track (except Knuckles, but you know). "Um… airline food sucks!" Nobody laughed. "BK LOUNGE!" Dane Cook screamed as loudly as he could, and the audience burst into gut-busting hysterics.

"This guy sucks!" snarled Shadow, shutting off the TV. Knuckles grumbled quietly but didn't seem too bothered overall. "How about we play a game… OF RIDDLES?"

"Bah! Only fantasy characters play _riddling games!" _snorted Sonic.

"It sounds fun to me," whined Tails, flying up behind them. "The old dichotomy between wits versus intellect has always fascinated me as a contemporary example of brain-teasing puzzles in a postmodernist socially interactive network of-"

They decided to play the riddling game just so Tails would shut up and stop yammering about his stupid post-post-post-post-feminism or whatever. Since it was Shadow's idea, he went first.

"All right, here's a riddle," he said. "I'm going to describe a scene, and you have to guess what led up to the scene being the way it is. OK, so it's in the middle of the desert. There's no roads or paths for anybody to move around by. It's a total wasteland with no civilization anywhere for hundreds of miles around. The only sign of life to be found is Sonic's mother, lying naked on top of a sand dune and not moving."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" Sonic shrieked madly, clawing the carpet with rage. Knuckles, looking very interested, sat on Sonic.

"All around this naked, unmoving woman are articles of clothing and suitcases," Shadow went on happily, enjoying Sonic's artery-filled face swell up with rage. "In Sonic's mother's hand is a straw. What happened to lead up to this situation?"

Tails puzzled for a moment. "Were any other people involved?"

"Yes," Shadow confirmed.

"Did anybody have… er… sexual relations with Sonic's mom?" Knuckles suggested.

"Unfortunately no," Shadow lamented, dodging nimbly aside as Sonic shot a beam of fire at him.

"Hmmm… I give up," Tails gave up, and Knuckles followed suit. "What happened?"

"Sonic's mother and me were on board a hot air balloon, flying over the desert," Shadow explained. "The balloon sprung a leak and the hottie and I started throwing clothes and suitcases out of the balloon to make it lighter. When that didn't work, we took off all our clothes and threw them out too. When that didn't work either, we drew straws to see who would jump out of the balloon to make it lighter. Sonic's mother drew the shorter straw and jumped out and died."

"Doesn't she always?" cackled Tails, smirking at Sonic's look of wrath.

"This is boring," commented Shadow. "Riddles are annoying. Has anyone read the book Of Mice and Men?"

"Has anybody read the book Tic-Tac-Toe by… um… some guy's clever Irish grandfather?" asked Sonic. "Emma Duckenson or something… Petey Plummatic… communism…" He decided not to talk anymore.

"Hey, guess who I am!" giggled Knuckles, hiding under the table. "Pol Pot is gonna steal my job and eat everything in my fridge! The commies are after me! The commies want my lunch money to pay for the space program! Who am I impersonating?"

"Sonic's father?" guessed Tails.

"That's very close," snickered Knuckles. "Maybe this'll give you more of a hint." He began swaying around like a drunk person and scribbling the Pythagorean Theorem on the wall. "Uh, I before E except after C-section, and I fell off a cliff and my nickname is Hubris McGee… I once played a 75-minute punk jam album and the local music critic punched me in the face for being the worst musician he'd ever heard… who am I now?"

Sonic was now bright red in the face. "I won't tolerate this insubordination! Get off from under the table right now or you'll face the consequences!"

"Uhhhhhhhh… uhhhhhhh… I hate foreigners because once a Japanese person pushed me down an up escalator forty-five times… I hate foreigners because some of them have beards… I hate foreigners because I don't know how to spell coffee…" Knuckles was now bouncing up and down on his head while grinning sickeningly.

"This is getting a little too random," Shadow commented. "Why don't we, you know, actually do something this chapter?"

"How about we go to the mall?" Tails said. "It's always good for some laughs… how about Hot Topic in particular?"

So, in the author's never-ending quest to insult gothics and their brethren (and don't anybody say to me, 'well some stuff at Hot Topic is cute and I buy it' because it isn't and you're gothic), the Sonic gang hustled off to Hot Topic to take a look at all the ridiculous accessories.

"Maybe Rouge would like this!" Knuckles said brightly, holding up a black lace bra. One cup had Gerard Way's face sneering on it, and the other had the "coolly edgy" new MCR logo on it.

Nobody even bothered answering this, and Knuckles soon grew very offended, especially when he realized that Hot Topic's idea of rap music was POD and Linkin Park. Growing red with wrath upon realizing that Linkin Park's new single was the whiniest song in existence, Knuckles pulled a gun out from under his shirt and aimed it around menacingly.

"Whoa, guys, chill," said the bored receptionist and went back to filing her black-painted nails.

"Uh, doesn't anybody care that I have a gun out right in the middle of the mall?" Knuckles asked confusedly.

"Dude, we're in Hot Topic, they probably think you're just like some kid on his way to a school shooting," Sonic informed him.

"And they don't think that's unusual?"

"They'd lose half their sales revenue without people like that… just don't say anything violent that couldn't be construed as ironic," Shadow lectured, pulling out a diagram of HOT TOPIC DECORUM from between a Bullet For My Valentine poster and a guide on how guys should apply mascara. The diagram had pieces of a sponge glued to the top and then some random pictures of an overflowing bathtub.

Shuddering at this weirdness, Tails walked around in a very bored manner. This is what you get when a kid goes on MySpace too much and watches Tim Burton movies until they fall unconscious every night, he thought to himself. I mean, it's one thing for Johnny Depp to be your favorite actor, but when your favorite movie with him in it is freaking Pirates of the Cash Grabbing Movie Studio: The Main Characters Are All Comic Relief… He shivered again.

Turning around, he found himself bumping into an apparition of gooey black makeup and emo costuming. "CREAM?" he gasped with shock. "What's going on? Why are you all gothic?"

"I've had enough of you cheating on me!" she sobbed, and Tails noticed that she was wearing very large black wristbands. "Rouge, Amy, Tikal… how could you? I've had it! I can't take this life anymore!"

Tails gulped. "Um, I… I don't…"

"Nah, just kidding, silly!" she smiled, giving him a big hug and a slightly smaller kiss. "I'm just getting dressed up to go to the MCR concert tonight! Want to go with me?"

"Um," said Tails nervously, remembering the last time an emo concert showed up in the story.

"Yes, he will, Cream," Knuckles said sincerely. "Sonic, Shadow and I have some stuff to attend to and Tails might get in the way. It'll be good for him to give us some privacy for this."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Tails seethed, taking Knuckles aside. "What are you up to? There's something going on here, I just know it! I don't know if I should leave you alone… you might blow up the house or something!"

"Don't worry about it," Knuckles said breezily. "It's not like anything bad ever resulted from us being unsupervised before. Don't answer that," he growled as Tails began to speak. "It's necessary, Tails."

"Fine," groused the fox. "But when I come back from this concert, everything had better be in perfect condition!"

"Sure, why not," Knuckles replied, which did nothing to comfort the younger boy. "Why are you even going out with her anyway? You had enough fun with our girls, didn't you?"

"I'm a man of constant needs," Tails grinned smoothly, hugging Cream to his side and moving his eyebrows.

"Can I help you with anything?" asked a gothic sales clerk that was walking by. "Are you looking for something in particular?"

"Yeah, I was looking to buy your mom something," Knuckles said snidely. "Do you have anything in size 54? I want it to fit _and _match her IQ."

Unsurprisingly, they were all ejected from the store for excessive rudeness. Tails went to go handle some "business" with Cream, while Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow went to the food court to handle some less freaky business.

"Rap music is good because it promotes materialism, murder and degradation based on race or gender," Knuckles replied.

"I would rather listen to white men whining about how much their life sucked than black men talking about how good their life is," Shadow hissed.

"Go listen to Panic at the Disco or something, you stupid emo," hissed Knuckles, trying to clear the table with a sweep of his hand and breaking his hand when he accidentally hit the edge of the table instead.

"HEY! That's uncalled for!" Shadow got to his feet. "Panic! At The Disco are horrible! I wouldn't listen to them if… um… maybe if somebody had a gun to my foot!"

"To your foot?"

"Yeah, cause you know how-"

"Guys, please shut up!" Sonic stressed, looking frustrated. "We have more important stuff to deal with. Now, is everything ready? Shadow?"

"I bought the quick-dry cement yesterday, and everything else is… well, not present, but accounted for," said the black hedgehog, eating the pickle that came with his burger and spitting out the seeds.

"Who spits the seeds out of a pickle?" asked some guy hanging around nearby.

"Your mom spit out the seed that came out of my pick-" Sonic started to say very inappropriately.

"Ignore him, Sonic," said Shadow without concern, spitting out the last few seeds and finishing off the vegetable. "Knuckles, have you completed your part of the deal?"

"What did you expect?" Knuckles scoffed.

"Utter and complete failure on every level, even levels you couldn't access," Shadow responded.

"Cricket lemons," Sonic mumbled, and squirted a mustard packet so that it got on a hot girl's shirt. He drooled as she scrubbed furiously at it… the weird thing was that the mustard got on her sleeve, not on anything more sexual.

"So is Tails out of the way?" he inquired.

"Yeah, he's going to go to that stupid concert with Rabbit Ears," Knuckles answered, slurping some aspartame-laden soft drink.

"Your girlfriend has bat wings, don't insult Cream," Shadow said.

"Yeah?" Knuckles said furiously, far too furiously for the occasion. "Well, at least my girlfriend doesn't have… um… echidna dreadlocks!"

"But you do," objected the girl who Sonic had squirted. Sonic squirted even more mustard at her and this time it hit her bra strap. She scrubbed at it so hard that she wore right through her bra strap. Sonic drooled and suddenly the table lifted a few inches off the ground. Shadow and Knuckles looked under the table and shuddered. They pulled out a picture of an extremely fat man that they kept for such occasions, showed it to Sonic, and the table fell back down with a thud.

"We'll meet by the old oak tree," Knuckles confirmed, putting away the "fat man" picture.

"Sounds like a plan," said Sonic. Inside the 16-ounce soft drink cup, Eggman chuckled as he formulated a new strategy.

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For those of you who still even care if I keep writing this story, please review. Without reviews I can't tell how much people like it, and I write fanfiction for my fans, not for myself.


	84. Now It's Number 84

Sonic Insanity

This story is now on over 100 favorites list! Thanks to everybody who has supported me for the months and months that I've written this. The popularity has slackened off with the updates but I'm glad some people still like it… even if they don't always review.

A certain person requested I do a chapter about movies. I had already planned to write about TMNT (which was actually good, despite what a certain person might have to say about it- namely, it didn't have exactly the same plot as the TV show or previous movies), but the suggestion gave me some more ideas for a chapter.

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Eggman chuckled to himself as Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow left. "Finally I've eavesdropped on one of their little plots! Now I'll anticipate it and thwart them for good, even though their plan isn't even related to me! I am indeed a genius." He struggled out of the 16-oz cup, much to the horror and trauma of all nearby, and cavorted gleefully back to his lair in the storage room of Kohl's. Struggling around economy-sized cardboard boxes of men's polo shirts and Converse shoes, he seated himself on a crate of bargain-bin DVDs and whistled.

"Hey! Metal Sonic!" he hollered. "I've got work for you."

With a grumble of mammoth proportions, the robot hedgehog eased out from behind a rack of fancy belts. "What is it now, oh master?"

"We'll lure Sonic out of hiding, or rather I will," Eggman said, eating his first lunch that day (consisting of a foot-long hoagie, barbecued chicken wings, a White Castle combo meal, an ice-cream sundae and four giant Polish meatballs with buttered spaghetti). "He and his little comrades will be brought to the local cinema. You need to sneak into their house and steal the following items!"

Metal Sonic waited impatiently while Eggman scribbled a list. Eggman was a quadruple dyslexic and wrote extremely slowly, so Metal tried to peer over Eggman's shoulder to read some of it in advance so he could adjust his plans accordingly.

"Do you _mind?" _hissed Eggman cattily, putting up a hand to block Metal Sonic's view of the list and glaring at his henchman.

"If you're going to show me the list in a few seconds," Metal said exasperatedly, "and there's nobody else in the room, why are you hiding it from me? There's no point!"

Eggman thought about that for a moment, then wrote all his personal information in the margin of the paper. "There! Now if you look at it, it'll be an invasion of my privacy!"

"But you didn't have to write any of that," objected Metal, "and plus I basically know everything about you anyway… wait, career interests include being the Numa Numa guy's apprentice? I wasn't aware of-"

"GET OUT!" bellowed Eggman thunderously, banging a fist on the box upon which he wrote. Both hid inside the box as a suspicious employee came to check on the noise. As soon as the door closed, Eggman let out the breath of air he had been holding. His expanding gut pushed the box to its breaking point and sent them both tumbling out.

"I'm done with the list," sneered Eggman angrily, ripping off the personal info part and handing the rest to Metal Sonic. "Just steal those, but wait for my command! They've defeated us before, on several occasions, and you're no match for them if we confront them head on!"

"_Several _occasions?"

"JUST DO IT!" howled Eggman vigorously. Metal resentfully stormed out, planning to lie low nearby Sonic's house in wait for the moment.

Eggman smirked the smirk of a man enjoying an amount of success he is unaccustomed to. "Excellent! Now that that fool is dispensed with, it's time for Operation Sequel Jettison!" He moved over to a large panel of buttons, all with very menacing-looking labels: **The Second-To-Last Mimzy, **The Hills Have Eyes 3: This Is Still An Interesting Premise For A Film, and _TMNT II: Shredder Appears and Fanboys Shut The Hell Up._

"Yo-ho, my pirates!" he called into the intercom on this bank of terrifying film choices. "Prepare for TOTAL MOVIE OVERLOAD! The cinemas will be flooded with all sorts of easy summer entertainment… in April! Sonic and his multicolored crime squad will have no choice but to get out of the house to see at least one of them!" In the most horrible move of all, he ran his fingers over all the buttons at once, like a child in an elevator. Dreadful idea after dreadful idea suddenly sparked to life, from **300 Ways To Decapitate People In Front Of A CGI Backdrop For The Whole Movie** to _Shooter: August Box-Office Filler, In The Spring!_

"My masterstroke!" Eggman roared uproariously. "Their morale will be weakened by the onslaught of horrible movies! By the time they come home, Metal will have stolen all the materials to their plan, so they won't be able to do whatever they had in mind! They'll all go into advanced depression and become the very thing they most despised- EMO GOTHIC KIDS! This, coupled with Tails' return from the MCR/AFI/whatever concert, will trigger a massive emo paralysis!"

"Didn't you try that twenty-some chapters ago?" asked a sales clerk walking by.

"Yes," Eggman admitted, "but this time, it's not just to cripple them through butchered grammar and poor taste in music! They'll become so obsessed with their stupid gothic culture that they'll be out of the way for my world takeover! If they haven't already cut their wrists by then! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Eggman screamed with diabolical hysteria. The clerk primly edged away, only to trip over a box and fall into a giant vortex of Ikea products.

Meanwhile, over at Sonic's house, everything was going according to no plan. Shadow was helping Tails get ready for the concert, Knuckles was listening to rap music, and Sonic was aghast with rage.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS HEADLINE!" Sonic shrieked, winging the newspaper into a potted plant. "Knuckles, come look at this! _Now!"_

"Put forty D's on the Cadillac, on the pinky ring, on the Kevlar vest and on shawty's thang…" Knuckles ambled in, composing his raps. Since pretty much all rap is terrible, I'm not going to bother saying it was a horrible rap when in fact it was better than anything Akon, Lil Bow Wow, Rich Boy or Lil Wayne ever recorded in their idiotic careers.

"See my name up in lights all over the globe, got a car made outta money and a house made outta gold, I'm a legend in my own time, watch me and dream, and then, uh… er… and then I get Lil Jon to produce it and some guest rapper to say something 'gangsta' and then the big chorus! I've got it made!" Knuckles muttered "yaaaaah, beeyaaatch, yaaaah" under his breath and sat down on the couch, putting his feet up. "What's up, dawg?"

Sonic hesitated for a moment, overwhelmed by profound disgust and loathing. He shot Knuckles a look of horror and then went on with his tangent. "Look at this newspaper! Look at how overwhelmingly _American _it all is! Tell me what's funny about this article!" Sonic thrust out a newspaper clipping at Knuckles. It read:

2ND PLACE FINISHER IN HOT-DOG EATING CONTEST INCONSOLABLE, DEMANDS RECOUNT

"Um… it's funny because you can't recount an eating contest?" Knuckles guessed.

"Wrong," Sonic spat venomously as Shadow swaggered leisurely down the stairs. "Shadow, how about you?"

"It's funny because of the picture, and because he entered a hot dog eating contest in the first place," Shadow scoffed.

"That last part was sort of close," Sonic said dubiously, retching with disgust as Tails appeared in full gothic wear. "You know, Tails, it causes me much less guilt to mock you behind your back instead of to your face, so I'm going to spare you the sarcastic comments. Come look at this and tell me what's funny about it."

Tails regarded the newspaper briefly. "It's funny because of A, the idea of a hot-dog eating contest, B, that a man would actually want to excel at hot dog eating, and C, because this man thought he should win just because he entered the contest and ate almost enough."

"EXACTLY!" yelled Sonic. "God, what a ridiculous story! I'm looking for something else." He looked at the movie section of the paper and his eyes nearly popped out of his head. "Guys, come look at this immediately! I've never seen such madness! 86 movies out at the same time is too many! How do they show them all? They must all be on only one screen each!"

Shadow, Knuckles and the costumed Tails all looked at the movie section. Sure enough, the page was nearly flooded with releases, arranged alphabetically from _Are We Out Of Money Yet: The UPN Remake Of Cheaper By the Dozen_ to xXx3: Starring Kevin Federline As A New Inbreed Of Secret Agent.

"This is downright ridiculous," Shadow protested. "It's a pretty sad state of affairs when _Ice Cube _rejects your script in favor of getting hit in the face for 90 minutes…"

"**Norbit Part 2: Just To Negate Eddie Murphy's Success With Dreamgirls Entirely?**"Tails said distastefully.

"But look at them all! It would be sacrilege to miss out on so many April summer blockbusters!" protested Sonic.

"The Number 23- Minutes Left For Jim Carrey's Career?" Knuckles muttered sickly.

"Come on, guys! It might be fun!" Sonic argued weakly.

"_Wild Hogs and Even More Homophobic Jokes/Homosexual Scenes?" _Shadow gulped uneasily.

"There have to be some good movies in that flock!" Sonic whined.

"**Epic Movie II**?" Tails said. That was all. No subtitle. It was bad enough as it was.

"Made by the comic geniuses behind Scary Movie 23 or whatever it is now," Knuckles sniggered.

"Don't you think it would be a little bit fun to see these horrible movies?" Sonic pleaded. "They probably released Spider-Man 3 and Pirates 3 early as well!"

"OK sure let's go," Knuckles said, no persuasion necessary.

So they all got ready to go to the movie theater (or the "cinema" as those British people eccentrically call it). "Want to take dates?" asked Sonic as he put on his shoes.

"No," spat Shadow. "My date, Amy, will probably just obsess over you anyway. Aside from that, TAILS will probably rekindle the flames of passion with all our girls anyway!"

"It was a one-time-only deal!" Tails protested feebly. "I can't resist them wily women!"

"THAT'S BS!" roared Knuckles. "You probably did stuff with them plenty of other times than that strip poker game! What about that Halloween night, huh? How about all the time you spent out of the house?"

"Circumstantial evidence! I could have been trout-fishing with Big!" Tails argued, pulling several meaty fish out of a cooler he was sitting on. They flopped out of his hands and fell into a pit of quicksand.

"WHAT ABOUT HOW YOU DELIBERATELY FORMED A NEFARIOUS PLAN TO GET THEM ALL NAKED, HUH?" bawled Sonic at earth-shattering volumes.

"Do you have any _proof _that that happened?" Tails smiled sweetly, his eyes becoming mockingly kewpie-doll.

"Come on, guys, what's done is done," Sonic grumbled, still angry. "Let's talk about the movies. How about Spider-Man 3, huh?"

"How many bad guys does it have… like, 12?" Shadow said sarcastically.

"Yeah, and with the Lady-in-the-Water-chick subplot and emo-darkness-within-Spider-Man stuff, there won't be time for any action scenes!" complained Knuckles.

"Let's make a fake preview and put it on You Tube," Sonic said dreamily. "It would go like this…"

On MAY 4th…

"We've found your uncle's REAL killer," said some police chief to Peter Parker. "This is _not _a plot contrivance used in order to justify 3 freaking villains in one movie, by the way…"

"Who is it?"

"Unfortunately, some sort of radioactive… man… made out of sand…" the police chief said, licking his lips as a donut truck raced across the street.

"Like a sandman?" asked Peter Parker. "Enter Sandman" by Metallica began to play as a muscled-up Thomas Haden Church started randomly turning into sand all over the place.

"I'm going to marry MJ," Peter said to his aunt.

"That's wonderful… IF YOU LIVE THAT LONG!" screamed his aunt, turning around to reveal… THE VENOM VIRUS THAT SUDDENLY TOOK OVER PETER AND MADE HIM EMO DARKNESS WITHIN SPIDEY!

"It feels good…" moaned Peter as the venom virus creeped over his manliest area. "Time to fall in love with Lady-in-the-Water chick and ignore people in danger! Oh, and Topher Grace and stuff too."

Suddenly the virus was gone and Harry, the X-treeeeeeeeeeeme new Goblin, was knocking around Peter.

"You killed my father, Pete!" Harry screamed, emo tears dripping down his cheeks. "Time to be a little wuss and moonlight around on my Go-Go-Gadget flying snowboard! Yeah!"

"I didn't kill your father, you demented little girly boy!" yelled Peter as Harry threw him into a glass building and he tried to grab his wedding ring out of midair instead of save himself. "I've never met you in my life! You look like some sort of Nickolodeon ad from five years ago!" Despite the fact that Harry's face was plainly visible and everything about his getup looked like his father's except more X-treeeeeeeeeeeeeeme, Peter didn't recognize his old friend.

"I do not!" defended Harry, drinking from a tube of Go-Gurt. "But enough! Time to die and get dead!"

"That doesn't make any sense," Peter objected. Suddenly Venom, Sandman, Green Goblin and Doc Ock all jumped out of a sewer.

"Time to rock and roll, web slinger!" grinned Doc Ock, snapping his metal tentacles evilly.

"No doubt about it!" agreed Sandman. "How could the sequel have anything less than 5 villains in it? Why, after the excessive melodrama of Spider-Man 2, all anybody wants are action scenes, I tell you!"

"Indeed," chuckled Harry, standing next to his dad. "Why not have every Spider-Man bad guy in the comics, TV series and movies show up? All the faceless thugs! All the bankers that denied him a loan! All the Korean grocers who never gave him organic produce! All the street corner bums who insolently demanded his money! Why not bring in every bad guy from every form of entertainment… EVER CREATED?"

Norman Osborne sighed heavily and wondered if Harry's mother had been schizophrenic.

"Yes," Venom drooled. "With all our forces combined, NOBODY WILL BE ABLE TO STAND IN OUR… what?" All the other bad guys were clearing their throats and looking around. "_What?"_

"Well, see, that's the thing, Venom," said Sandman nervously. "We, er, kind of decided to kick you out of the group."

"WHAT?" raged Venom. "But I'm the most fan-boy loved of any Spider-Man bad guy! The main hype for the movie! The… the most Venomy! You can't kick me out!"

"It's just," said Doc Ock uncertainly, "that you're really sort of too hyped-up, Venom. The movie studio can't make you the way the fanboys want, and they finally realized that three bad guys in one movie is too many. So it was either you or Thomas Haden Church over here, and since they already bought all the sand for him, you're getting the boot."

"I _refuse!" _Venom yowled, grabbing Sandman and eating him. He belched, showering a thoroughly disgusted Harry with recycled sand, and then started randomly running around in circles.

SPIDER-MAN 3 – NOW AVAILABLE ON EVERY SCREEN IN EVERY THEATER EVER... IN IMAX

"We're at the movie theater!" grinned Sonic, his grin fast fading when he realized they hadn't even gotten in the car yet. Meanwhile, Metal Sonic squatted impatiently in the bushes, wondering sourly why the powerful allure of Blades Of Glory And Jon Heder Pretends Not To Be Napoleon Dynamite was failing to draw Sonic and company to the theater.

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This chapter took a lot longer than I thought it would, sorry. The next one may take even longer since I'm going on a trip to D.C for a week, but I'll keep working on ideas while I'm there for you guys. As always, review- otherwise I don't feel like I'm writing for anybody.


	85. Knuck, Knuck At Your Front Door

Sonic Insanity

To DGO: I would watch a Superman movie without Lex Luthor. What matters is that it's GOOD and that it doesn't contradict or make the previous material look bad. Be thankful that TMNT acknowledged the existence of Shredder at all.

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Sonic, Shadow, Tails and Knuckles began the journey out of the house to the car parked in the driveway, hands in their "pockets" while chatting unconcernedly.

"So… um… pretty chilly weather we've been having?" Knuckles offered weakly as means of small talk.

"The weather's nice the weather's bad I'm doing good are you that's nice how's the wife and kids how're things at work really that's great nice seeing you," Shadow droned monotonously, intentionally depriving them of all small talk conversations. Knuckles smoldered in rage as he was robbed of his world-renowned conversational wit.

"So who has the money?" Sonic asked, kicking a small clod of grass so that it knocked one of Shadow's shoes off.

"I certainly don't!" cried Knuckles, gesticulating frantically and throwing his hands up into the air while Shadow angrily retrieved his shoe. "My hustler lifestyle supports one man and one man only, and that's the Knuck!"

"The _Knuck?" _Shadow said scornfully. "That's a really _snazzy _name you've got there, Knuckles."

"What's wrong with being called the Knuck?" Knuckles asked, starting to get mad.

"Oh, nothing much," tittered Sonic, impersonating Knuckles by making his voice sound foolish and uneducated while rolling his eyes. "Uh, I'm Knuckles, wouldn't it be a _swell _idea to change my name to the Knuck? I'll earn respect from my peers that way fo sho!"

"Anyone know any good knuck-knuck jokes?" smirked Shadow rudely.

"Knock it off this second!" demanded "the Knuck," simmering with fury.

"Yeah, Sonic, we better _knuck _it off or else the Knuck over here is gonna _knuck _us out with his trademark Pansy Punch," Shadow chortled, getting into the back of the car and stretching his legs.

"PANSY PUNCH?" raged Knuckles.

"Knuck-knuck!" Sonic said sweetly.

"Who's there?" Shadow replied.

"The Knuck!"

"The Knuck who?"

Sonic resumed his impersonations. "Duuuuuuuuuh… time to guard the Master Emerald! I hope Rouge remembers my name today… maybe I should have dreadlocks, that'll be cool! And while I'm at it, let's be the brute force of the gang and be obsessed with rap culture!"

Knuckles clicked his fingers and a giant raging dust cloud blew in from off screen. He grabbed Shadow and jumped in, pulling the protesting black hedgehog in after him. Random arms, legs and heads appeared periodically as they brawled within the dust cloud. Sonic sighed, smoothed back his quills, and then jumped in as well.

"At least my mom's last words before she lost her virginity weren't 'come here, you wonderful little midget, you!'" Shadow snarled at Sonic, even though they were both trying to fight Knuckles.

"At least _my _mom's last words before she lost her virginity weren't 'what are all those whips over there for?'" Sonic bellowed back.

"At least my mom didn't say just before she lost her virginity, 'Daddy, will you tuck me in?'" whooped Knuckles, much to everybody's disgust and rage.

"It's time for me to go to my concert with Cream," Tails said. "Later." He abandoned the oblivious whirling dervish dust cloud and went to pick Cream up. It would not be the last we heard of Tails' misguided attempt to impress Cream by acting gothic. But that comes later.

Anyway, so Knuckles, Shadow and Sonic eventually stopped fighting, relented with the incestuous your-mom jokes, and got in the car. Knuckles immediately took the front seat, smiling smugly.

"I call shotgun!" Sonic yelled, only to find that Knuckles had taken all the firearms in the car and put them under his seat. Seething, he settled for the front passenger seat, leaving Shadow to stretch out in the back.

"I just got a new CD," said the black hedgehog, rummaging around in his carrying case until he emerged with one.

"_10,000 Days _by Tool?" Knuckles said doubtfully. "Does it involve rapping?"

"NO! Maybe if you try listening to some other music once in a while, you won't be so intolerant!" yelled Shadow, inserting the CD.

"75 MINUTES?" screamed Sonic, reading the CD case.

"We don't have to listen to every song," Shadow informed him.

So they listened to the album opener, _Vicarious, _which was an amazing song.

"This is an amazing song!" Shadow said redundantly.

"It's pretty good," Sonic conceded.

"I don't hear any rapping!" whined Knuckles expectantly.

However, after the first 5 songs, which ranged from very good to boring to too-long-but-still-good to awesome, everything took a turn for a worse.

"The average song doesn't have to be 7 and a half minutes long, especially when half of them are filler!" yelled Shadow, and remember that he was the one who liked the CD the most

"Every song after The Pot sucked," Sonic objected. "Except for maybe Right In Two."

Knuckles was steaming mad that he had spent a good half hour of his time skipping around through an un-listenable CD, and on top of that not heard the word "shawty." He turned on the radio, increasing the bass frequency from MAXIMUM to SHAKE YOUR FILLINGS OUT. Consequently, "Buy U A Drank" began playing so loudly that objects were picked up and launched all over. The inside of the car shook, sending Sonic and Shadow flying like popcorn in a popper.

"Make it END!" shrieked Shadow, trying to kick out the side window before he was launched into the trunk. Sonic, quills blustering wildly with the force of the sound, managed to turn it off. Knuckles, who had not noticed anything as he had been also listening to his _iPod, _continued to sing.

After a very furious battle with more casualties than the whole of the Civil War, even though nobody died, they reached the movie theater and tried to choose a movie.

"How about **Die Hard 5: Bruce Willis Is Not Far Too Old**_?" _Shadow suggested.

"Nah, sounds too intellectual for me," said Knuckles distastefully, looking up at the marquee. "I'm not really in the mood for a thinking man's movie, you know?"

"How about _Grindhouse Part 2: Tarantino and Rodriguez Congratulate Each Other For Their Contributions To Cinema For Three Hours?" _Sonic smirked. "That's more your style, Knuckles."

"Too long a title," Knuckles scowled. "There's always Shrek 4 and the Endless Pop Culture References…"

"I thought it was called Shrek 4 and Mike Meyer's Attempt To Still Have A Job In Hollywood," said Shadow with confusion.

"I thought it was called Shrek 4 and the Author's Attempt To Use Both Shrek Jokes Without Making An Absurdly Long Title," Sonic amended.

"Too late," muttered some guy hanging out by the movie theater wall.

"What about that Pathfinder flick?" inquired Shadow. "That doesn't look like Lord of the Rings at all. By the way, this chapter is going to be extremely dated in two months."

"We could watch **Disturbia Two With The Most Inappropriate Use Of A System of a Down Song In A Trailer In Recent Memory," **said the author, walking by.

"Not everybody loves System of a Down as much as you!" called Knuckles. Suddenly the ground beneath his feet started to quake ominously. "They all love it far more, har de har," Knuckles said nervously, and the ground went back to normal.

"Why don't we watch that?" Sonic said suddenly, peering up at something in very small print. It said:

YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE

"Folly… doesn't folly mean something similar to insanity?" Knuckles observed, feeling inexplicably nervous. A cold wind chilled them as it blew by.

"Why don't we give that a try?" Shadow smirked. "What's the worst that could happen? We see a bad movie. Big deal. Come on, let's go!"

"Shadow…" Sonic said anxiously.

"What?"

"Look up at the marquee…"

Sighing, Shadow went over to look. YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE was no longer there. There was absolutely no evidence that it ever had been there.

"But there has to be a poster for it or something!" Shadow said shakily. The three rodents, feeling very spooked, went to look over at the poster wall. YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE was there. The poster was a black sheet with the title written across it and the release date.

"Phew," said Knuckles, wiping his brow. "At least it's there. Why don't we just get it over with and go-"

"Look at the release date!" Shadow said suddenly, looking frightened.

They all bent in to look. In simple white letters it read: 4.13.07.

"Friday the 13th," Shadow whispered.

"So what? Lots of movies are released on Fridays," Sonic said, trying to appear confident. "Now, I- WHOA! Look at the title!"

YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE was fading, one letter at a time, from the black backdrop. However, not all the letters were disappearing. After they had stopped disappearing, the remaining message was:

**YE** OULDE **S**ON**IC** FOLLYE

"Yesic?" said Knuckles skeptically.

"Yes I c… yes, I see…" whispered Shadow fearfully.

Everything was absolutely silent. It was then that they realized that there was absolutely nobody else anywhere to be seen. The title reappeared, and then more letters slowly faded away, leaving the message:

**Y**E **OU**LDE **SONIC** FOLLYE

"You Sonic?"

"YESICYOUSONIC… yes, I see you, Sonic…" Sonic moaned, sweat breaking out. In the middle of the black poster, a set of malevolent yellow eyes opened, blinked and focused on them with deadly intensity. A low, sibilant hiss filled the still air.

Sonic stumbled backward, followed by Knuckles and Tails. They began to turn around and run for it as the yellow eyes drew closer, but the letters YE OLDE SONIC FOLLYE floating in midair stopped them.

"The letters from the marquee!" gasped Sonic in a strangled voice.

A voice that seemed to be all around them chuckled. "Yes…"

The letters, hovering in the air, started to rearrange themselves. Certain letters disappeared, but most remained to spell out the ghostly phrase:

DIE YOU FOOLS 

And then…

THERE IS NO ESCAPE 

Sonic and Shadow gasped. Knuckles, however, was realizing something.

"Wait a minute," he said shrewdly. "There is no escape… there's no A in YE OULDE SONIC FOLLYE! What's going on?"

Suddenly Espio turned visible in front of them, yellow eyes taunting them. "Hello, boys." He dropped the letters he had been holding.

"WHAT?" shrieked Shadow furiously.

"So there was never anything suspicious to begin with?" Sonic said happily, as Vector and Charmy appeared from the shadows.

"Nope, never!" Charmy tittered, eating a massive Twinkie deep-fat-fried and basted with sugar and powdered sugar. "Except for how there was nobody on the whole street…"

"How'd you take care of that?" Knuckles asked worriedly. When nobody spoke and began shuffling around awkwardly, he realized with horror that Vector had a human arm hanging out of his mouth. The crocodile swallowed it, gave a bloodstained grin, and wiped his mouth on a napkin.

"So… um… want to go see a movie?" Sonic said nervously.

"_What do you know about the DNA evidence?" _barked Espio, lunging on top of Sonic and pinning him to the ground. Vector grabbed Knuckles and put him in a headlock. Shadow whimpered as Charmy gripped Shadow's forearm and threatened to pinch it.

Sonic shook his head with disgust at this weakness, and Espio misinterpreted it as defiance. "How _dare _you!" the chameleon shouted, stomping Sonic in the back. "We know that the Chestercarthy labs were raided last night! Police found green scales and a Happy Meal bag there, and only YOU creeps would have anything to do with that!"

"None of us have green scales!" Knuckles yelled, thrashing around. "Plenty of people eat Mickey D's!"

"Like WHO?" barked Vector, hastily concealing his Big Mac by putting it in his mouth. "You're clearly guilty, you…" Then he realized that Charmy and Espio had both caught on. "Oh." He released Knuckles and ran away, his compatriots chasing him furiously into the distance.

"Anyway," Sonic mumbled, dusting himself off and offering Knuckles a helping hand up. Shadow squawked in protest as nobody helped him. "Should we just go watch Ye Olde Sonic Follye?"

"Sure, why not," Knuckles groaned, and they left Shadow behind to writhe his way to his feet and follow them halfheartedly. Meanwhile, Metal Sonic infiltrated their house and began to read the list Eggman had given him, and Tails wondered how he had ever gotten himself into such a mess as this.

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More from these guys later, and we'll hear about Tails' dreadful MCR concert next chapter! Review as always, and maybe by 86 or 87 we'll have 1000 reviews!


	86. It's The Victoria's Secret Police

Sonic Insanity

Thanks for the reviews as usual. How about some more?

Chapter title: It's The Victoria's Secret Police!

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"So, Tails," said Cream as they drove to the MCR concert. "Have you heard much of this band's music?"

"No, I'm mostly just going cause you want to," Tails lied. He had in fact heard quite a bit of My Chemical Romance in a very violent incident when Shadow had bought all of their CDs using money Sonic owed Tikal on a bet. As far as he could tell, they had gone from being a generic emo-punk band to an overly melodramatic emo-punk band to a Green Day-plagiarizing emo-punk band, over the course of three albums.

"Aw, how sweet of you!" she chorused, kissing him on the cheek. For a split second going to see the Abominations Of Rock didn't seem like such a bad idea after all. Then Cream stopped kissing him and it again felt like the most unbearable burden ever devised. "I guess you ought to know that they're a little bit emo, so don't be too surprised, OK?"

"Um…" To call MCR a little bit emo would be like calling Headwater Daddy's grandfather a little bit of a drunken imbecile who was never clever or cool in his life. Or, to use a simile more people might be familiar with, it would be like calling Kingdom Hearts 2 a little bit of a failure on almost every level. "All right, I'll keep that in mind."

Tails pulled up in the parking lot of the arena where the band was performing. It was a baseball stadium that was often used for concert events, and even with such a big parking lot it was full. 

"I guess they must be pretty popular around here," Cream said nervously as Tails struggled to find a spot. Tails immediately considered moving into a house of his own way out of town, an idea he had been nursing for at least the last 60 chapters. The only reason he hadn't was because somebody needed to anchor the extreme absurdity of the Sonic household with a little bit of logic and common sense. _And, _he thought slyly to himself, _there's always Amy, Tikal and Rouge… _He looked at Cream, felt guilty for a half second, and then remembered where she was making him go. It also didn't help/hurt that the strip poker game had left some "entertaining" images in his mind.

Finally Tails made a parking spot by squeezing the car vertically so that it was very thin, slipping between two parked cars, and expanding to normal size again. All the other cars were nudged out of the way, much to Cream's mingled amusement and disapproval, and they got out of the car and walked hand in hand to the arena.

They entered the long line and waited, the silence between them going from comfortable to a bit awkward as various whiny emo types filed in. Finally they were allowed to enter, but had to pass through a security check.

"Like a MCR fan is going to bring in a weapon," Tails muttered sarcastically to the guard.

"They do cut themselves a lot, and there have been fights over hair barrettes at the merchandise table," said Cream wisely, pointing to a guy with six straight razors hanging from his nose under the guise of a piercing. Tails thought about shoving the razors up the guy's nose and saying "hey look, a walrus" (thanks to Claire for that joke) but decided against it, especially when a disgusted security guard confiscated the razors.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow were off getting ready to watch Ye Olde Sonic Follye. They had found seats near the back, and there were actually other people in the theater so it wasn't all creepy like it had been outside.

"That's a good point," Knuckles said in response to nobody. "I think some of the Socratic principles of philosophy apply to the current identity crisis that our culture is currently experiencing. In particular, the individuality conflict is one that seems to have arisen from Plato's- pay attention!" he snapped, punching his container of popcorn to make it listen. "Now, as I was saying," he began and then abruptly stopped talking, staring raptly at the advertisements playing on the screen. Sonic and Shadow were trying extremely hard not to laugh/burst with anger.

"Quiet down up there!" yelled a guy behind them, even though they would be "down there" from his perspective.

"But seriously though," Sonic said to Shadow, resuming a prior conversation, "you don't get any girls at all! Your lady-wangling skills are garbage, and you're socially inept!"

"At least I'm not mentally inept!" snapped Shadow.

"At least I'm not racially inept!" Sonic retorted in a very racist and confusing manner.

"In response to your claims that I'm garbage with the ladies," Shadow growled, "that's not true! I get lots of girls! In fact, I've gone out with every single girl in the world!"

"Why haven't I ever seen you with them?" yelled Sonic, inciting the wrath of the audience.

"Um, I dumped them all?" Shadow said as if this should have been obvious to the most idiotic of… well, idiots.

"WHY WOULD YOU DUMP EVERY SINGLE GIRL, EVEN THE MOST INTELLIGENT, BEAUTIFUL, FUNNY AND CHARISMATIC ONES?" screamed Sonic. "How could they all _possibly _not be good enough?"

"They said I had bad teeth," Shadow replied.

"Oh… wait a minute, though," Sonic said with confusion. "If _you _dumped _them, _then wouldn't they have to have a problem and not you?"

"Well, at least my mother never walked into a whorehouse and said 'there's no place like home!'" Shadow accused him randomly.

"At least my mother hasn't had more pregnancies than she's had periods!"

"Is that even possible?" Shadow grumbled. "Anyway, at least my mother's loss of virginity wouldn't best be described as 'reluctant!'"

"At least my mother's wouldn't be described as 'prison!'"

"At least my mother's wouldn't be described as '7th birthday!'"

"At least my mom's wouldn't be described as 'hubris!'"

"At least my-"

"The previews!" Knuckles muttered urgently, indicating the screen. Sonic and Shadow immediately quieted down and settled for a silent popcorn war.

"Coming soon to theaters," said an announcer that was clearly in the audience rather than actually part of the sound reel. Sonic hurled a soda down at him, where it exploded to thunderous applause.

A black screen showed up, with ominously swelling bass notes.

"An ancient evil will rise," intoned the narrator, who was still obviously in the audience yet projecting his voice really well.

"A hero will stand…

"An empire will-"

Suddenly the black screen cut out and turned into the title screen of YE OLDE SONIC FOLLYE, the actual movie and not a preview at all. There was no sign that it was even remotely connected to the black screen ominous stuff.

"Outrageous," growled Sonic, but he sat and watched the movie. While Knuckles and Shadow bickered about whether the film should have been called YE OLDE KNUCKLES FOLLYE or SHADOW WINS GOLD AT MAKING OUT WITH CHEERLEADERS AT THE OLYMPICS, the movie started to play. Sonic shushed them and thankfully kept Shadow from inferring that Knuckles' mother had been not only the chief cheerleader, but also a rabid, frothing hippopotamus as well as an 80-year-old shoe-shiner named Juanita Afropuff.

The movie, which up until now they had not realized would be animated, started with the image of a cartoon Shadow running around in circles on a white backdrop.

"Hey, look at me, I'm the Ultimate Lifeform, wah, I want Maria, wah, I want to use horrible aiming controls for a whole game and say it had 10 alternate endings when it really has about a third of that," Shadow wailed while dashing. "Wah, I'm emo, wah, wah! Waaaaaah…"

Off screen, Sonic was rolling hysterically on the ground while Shadow seethed. Of course, then he got stuck to the floor and Knuckles had to rip him off and back into his seat. On screen, Sonic walked in holding a comic strip.

"I found a really funny comic strip, Shadow!" he bawled obnoxiously, gesticulating in a grotesque manner. "Can I show you?"

"Sure, why not," yelled Shadow really loudly.

"Are you sure? I'm giving you a spoiler alert," Sonic howled.

"Yeah, I can handle it," screeched Shadow.

"_Why are they speaking so loudly?" _grated Knuckles with his fingers in his ears.

"What kind of comic strip has _spoiler _alerts?" sneered Shadow. Sonic was beet red at his representation.

"Here you go," the Sonic on-screen bellowed at an unnecessary volume. The camera cut to the comic strip, which read:

PEANUTS: NOT GETTING OLD BY NOW

A "Classic" by Charles Schultz

"Go ahead, Charlie Brown! Kick the football!" Lucy slyly encouraged the bumbling, baldheaded boor.

"No way!" whined Charlie Brown the emo. "You're just gonna pull it away, and for some reason this will cause me to fall over!"

"I promise I won't!" Lucy lied.

"All right," Charlie Brown agreed. He ran at the football, Lucy pulled it away, and he fell over.

"That's really funny," the on-screen Shadow said. "But what was the spoiler?"

"That Lucy would pull away the football," Sonic said, as if Shadow was clueless.

Off-screen, Sonic was madder than when he had watched High School Musical. Shadow was madder than when he had watched A Cinderella Story. Knuckles was madder than when he had watched the controversial "Tails strip poker" video. Tails, at the concert, was madder than when he had watched a movie of Roman Polanski picking his teeth for five hours.

"IT HAPPENS IN EVERY SINGLE EPISODE!" screamed Tails furiously, before realizing that that had been Shadow's line. "I mean, er, this band is dreadful!"

"Yo, you want to fight about it?" said an MCR fan aggressively, jumping in front of Tails and swaggering back and forth. "This band is crazy mad awesome, dude! I'll kill you!"

"Um, I don't really see why you would kill somebody only because they don't respect your opinion, but OK then," Tails shrugged.

"I'm sorry! Didn't you hear me? GOD!" wailed the MCR fan, cowering in fear. Tails looked at him in disgust and then back at the stage in front of him.

Unfortunately, what he saw there was little better. There was the drummer, doing absolutely nothing much at all. There was the guitarist, playing an amalgamation of American Idiot B-sides and vaguely Linkin Park-like riffs. There was the bassist and little brother, strumming away with all the technical proficiency of Sid Vicious and even more obnoxiousness. And there, at center stage, embarrassing actual cancer victims everywhere with his platinum hair that somehow simulated chemo baldness, was Gerard Way, yelling and shrieking like a prepubescent mongoose. All this made up for a catchy but ghastly combination of potent adolescent anguish that made Tail want to rip off his tails and stuff them in his ears.

"Can we go now?" he asked Cream casually, or at least as casually as he could under the circumstances.

"These tickets cost a lot of money! I'm not throwing it away!" she complained. "They have only eight more songs to go through and then they're done!"

"_EIGHT?" _shrieked Tails at a pitch to rival that of the castrated elf bastard wailing on stage. "That's an eternity! I can't wait that long!"

"We'll compromise," Cream said firmly and impatiently. "You want to leave now. I want to leave at the end. We'll leave after four songs. No, five songs."

"What?!" spluttered Tails. "That's unfair! I refuse to listen to one more minute of this… _leprechaun band! _Don't put me through this, Cream, I beg you!"

"Four songs," relented Cream wearily, trying to listen to the music.

"I can't tolerate Emo Malfoy and the Rascals any longer! Please, no more! …Two songs?"

"Four if you want to leave with me," Cream said icily, "and five in silence if you plan on 'getting any.'"

Tails longed to tell her that Amy, Rouge and Tikal had been giving him some, and better and more frequently, for an extremely long time. _Until Knuckles came along with his old-fashioned notions of betrayal and adultery and faithfulness,_ Tails reflected sourly as he tried to drown out the horrendous cacophony of shrieks onstage. _Why? Why did Knuckles have to spoil everything? _

He tried to console himself with the knowledge that he would be 'getting some' from Cream tonight if he kept his mouth shut. However, the dreadful racket onstage, punctuated by assorted girlish screams from either the mosh pit or the lead singer himself, made it unbearable. They had barely finished their hideous cover of Green Day's American Idiot (which sounded exactly the same, yet was much worse somehow) before Tails decided that not even Nicole Kidman was worth this torment. The result was a furious Cream as Tails ducked behind the merchandise table for some quality time with his favorite soft-core magazine.

"Ah, Victoria's Secret!" he sighed, laying out the glorious volume in his lap and adjusting it somewhat. "What better way to spend one's quality time than with a centerfold of some 7-out-of-10 chick wearing a Very Sexy®NEW! Infinity Edge™ wireless push-up bra with Gel-Curve™ shaping for an inexpensive $40-$43?" He was just about to begin his 'personal time' when a pair of prying hands forcibly yanked the rag from his hands.

"What? Cream?" he grumbled as the irate rabbit snatched it from his imploring grasp. "Come on! I was in the middle of some-"

"You were in the middle of some nasty stuff was all!" stormed Cream. "That does it! We need to be alone so I don't get any madder at you! Go home if you want to so badly! But don't even think about any pr0n, even of the G-rated variety, or we're through!"

"How could porn be G-rated?" Tails asked confusedly. "And why are you censoring yourself?"

"First of all, no," Cream seethed, "second of all, because being the Fallacious Autoeroticism Police Of Freaky Felonies means I can't say anything inappropriate!"

"No isn't a valid response to my question," Tails objected, "and your title's initials are FAP OFF. Shouldn't that be censored too if you want to uphold your-"

He was driven from the concert by Cream's dire threats, clutching a few crumpled pages of the panties section. Despite how pitiful this situation was, it was better than when Rouge found Knuckles sitting in the bathroom with a poster of the Pussycat Dolls, using a scissors to cut out the crotches of their shorts in an attempt to cut off the clothes.

Meanwhile, at Sonic's house, Metal Sonic was consulting his list of things to steal. However, he had spent most of his time stealing things that he could sell for money, such as toasters and Shadow's Wii. Only when he looked at the list did he realize the magnitude of the plan he was supposed to stop.

**Cheese grater**

**Superglue**

**Baking soda and vinegar**

**Remote mines**

**Tripwires**

**Stuffed monkey**

**Driver's license**

**Rocket catapult**

And, most ominously of all:

The DVD of Click 

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Will Tails and Cream break up, and will anyone care? Will Sonic, Knuckles and Shadow face the horror of Ye Olde Sonic Follye? Will Metal Sonic ever succeed in plundering the house? Will Adam Sandler ever be stopped? Review.


	87. They Have Come For SpiderMan 3!

Sonic Insanity

Awesome, we reached 1000 reviews! Thank you to everybody who contributed to this staggering number. Seriously, it's not anything I could have hoped for even a year from now.

However, this chapter will be a little different from the rest. You see, I just saw Spider-Man 3 (well, I just saw it, you guys will probably read it two weeks after I'm writing this) and it moved me to do a semi-parody of it. So the Sonic gang will have less time this chapter to make room for my mockery of that semi-travesty of a movie. Enjoy.

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SPIDER-MAN 3: CLEARLY BENEATH EVERYBODY ON SET

The movie opened with Mary Jane singing extremely poorly on stage. She descended a staircase in all her wretched glory while Peter Parker, moron and fool, sang along with her. It was extremely obvious that she had forced him to supervise her practices, for reasons unknown.

"La dee da dee da… raindrops and fairies and stuff…" he trilled, believing himself to be mouthing along while actually singing louder than she was. Harry Osborn, rich, arrogant pretty-boy, glared down at Peter for approximately one second before returning to his lascivious thoughts of MJ. The play ended later, much to everybody's delight.

"Harry, I didn't kill your father!" squalled Peter outside the theater later. "This is all a huge misunderstanding that we have to clear up if we're ever to come to terms with what happened!"

"Sorry, that has to happen at the end of the movie," Harry whined, "preferably after a huge fight scene where I martyr myself." He drove off in a limo. Peter started crying hysterically. It would not be the last time somebody in the movie would do so, often for no good reason.

Meanwhile, off in the city somewhere, Flint Marko was taking a casual stroll around the city, at night, while avoiding all the police cars driving after him. After this not-at-all-suspicious moonlit jaunt, he snuck into some little girl's room.

"My baby," he murmured affectionately, eyes tearing up at the sight of her.

"Who are you?" she shrieked, waking up. "Get out of my house immediately! MOM? DAD!"

"I'll get you the medicine, baby," Marko rumbled to this complete stranger. "No matter what it takes."

"I'm not even sick! What's wrong with you? MOMMY!" she bawled. Flint thought it prudent at that moment to escape, but not before taking a picture of the girl. He put it in a locket and treasured it for the rest of his sad, sandy life. But more of that would come later.

Elsewhere, Peter and MJ were off on a post-play date. They were suspended in a web high above the ground, which would not be at all unusual if somebody were to see them.

"Tell me you love me," commanded MJ, the domineering Nazi.

"I love you," fibbed Peter, imaging Gwen Stacy in his redheaded girlfriend's place. At least Gwen never whined to him about bad play reviews. At least Gwen had a figure to speak of. At least Gwen... A random meteor falling out of the sky and landing next to them disturbed his contemplation. Actually, since he didn't notice the meteor, he went right on dreaming about a platinum blonde Julia Roberts-look-a-like, who he affectionately dubbed Preggers McSeaworthy.

While he fondly imagined this nightmarish creature, oblivious to both Mary Jane's screeching and the meteor, an odd black virus crawled out and hitched onto his bike. As he drove home with MJ in tow (meaning he tied her by a length of rope to the motorcycle's back fender and drove off), the virus followed in one of the most unlikely occurrences in film history.

We return to Flint. The police were chasing him with a bunch of dogs. As he reached a chain link fence, one of the dogs caught up with him. He punched it in the face and vaulted the fence, ignoring the sign that said LAZY SCREENWRITER "SCIENCE" IN EFFECT HERE- WATCH OUT FOR PLOT DEVICES. The police, reaching the chain link fence, wrung their hands with anguish, unable to climb over it themselves.

Suddenly Marko fell into a giant bowl in the ground that he could not get out of. The scientists noticed his presence, but somehow assumed he was a bird and went ahead anyway. Somehow this ridiculous experiment turned him into a man made out of sand, or a "sand man." The Sandman looked at the locket he had of the little girl he didn't even know and vowed to steal the money for her, as he was obviously too foolish to actually legally support her.

After the date, Peter went to hang out at his Aunt May's house, where they swapped old war stories and played Go Fish.

"Got any… elevenses?" chirped his aunt obnoxiously while squinting at her cards.

"Go fish," said Peter, who enjoyed taking advantage of his aunt's dementia for personal gain. He considered it his most heroic quality in a long line of them. "You know, I'm planning to marry MJ."

"Why, Peter, how delightful!" hollered Aunt May, unable to hear herself without screeching like the old bat she was. "I remember when Uncle Ben asked me to marry him. We were on an island in the middle of the ocean and he reached over and threw me in a canoe and threatened to set me adrift if I didn't marry him and BLAH BLA BLAH BLA BLAH-" Peter edged nervously out of the room for fear of being eaten.

He was on his way home when a masked creature on a glider swooped down, picked him up and started smacking him all over the place. For some reason he did not shoot. Eventually they reached a pause in the action where the go-go-gadget-glider-rider revealed himself as Harry Osborn.

"Harry!" gasped Peter, although it had been incredibly obvious who this lunatic was. "I didn't kill your father!"

"Hmmm… how convenient that I refuse to accept this, and all it would take is for you to actually explain how it happened!" shrieked Harry as he threw Peter through a building, both of them crying hysterically. For whatever reason, Peter tried to save the ring Aunt May had given him instead of, you know, actually care about whether he died or not. The fight wore on in an orgy of CGI in an endless alley, before somehow Harry got clotheslined and hit his head.

"Harry? HARRY!" screamed Peter, as if he actually cared.

"Your friend has amnesia," said the doctor at the hospital to Peter. "This will conveniently take him out of the movie so Sandman can have some action… I mean, er… you have such nice friends, Harry."

"I'd die for them," said Harry before crying hysterically, in the clumsiest foreshadowing in any movie ever.

Spider-Man was walking around the street much later when Sandman showed up and started robbing an armored car. The actual amount of action in this scene was much less than the CGI budget for it, somehow, most likely due to Sandman's complexity. As Sandman went, he damaged a crane that almost killed the aforementioned Gwen Stacy. Spider-Man showed up, saved her in another CGI orgy, and basically forgot about Sandman. For whatever reason there was a festival to celebrate how Spider-Man saved ONE person's life, which he probably does every day.

"Kiss him!" encouraged the crowd. Gwen Stacy blushed and then passionately made out with Spider-Man, much to her boyfriend's disgust.

"It's not fair!" stormed Eddie Brock. "I mean, we never appeared in the same frame together, but we were a couple! We were meant to be!"

"Yeah, whatever, you're fired cause I hate you," J. J. Jameson said at the Daily Bugle.

"PARKER!" screamed Eddie Brock, crying hysterically, for whatever reason pinning all his problems on the other young man. MJ broke up with Peter, basically because Harry told her to. Everyone involved cried hysterically, except for a small dog.

"Yikes! Sandman's my uncle's real killer!" exclaimed Peter while… you guessed it. "Talk about retroactive continuity for the sake of justifying his presence in the movie! Better stay awake and listen for police scanner reports on him!" Peter soon grew exhausted and fell asleep. The virus snuck up on him and took over his suit… either that or it somehow formed a whole different suit. That wasn't really made clear. He started soaring around the city and then got in a fight with Sandman, which was supposed to make "Dark Spider-Man" seem evil but really didn't.

"Gasp! I'm allergic to water!" gulped Sandman as he was flushed away. "I guess all that inconvenient water vapor in the atmosphere doesn't apply or something… uh… and all the times I had to drink… um… I love you, random little girl…" he whined while being sucked away. Of course, he cried hysterically, but the tears for some reason did not make him melt like the Wicked Witch of the West.

As a side effect of the black suit, Peter turned into some kind of Saturday Night Fever freak that danced in the street and hit on random girls. He also acquired a ridiculous emo haircut that did not make him look any tougher. He took Gwen Stacy, the least developed character to ever appear in any movie, and started dancing with her in front of Mary Jane at a bar. Gwen broke up with him anyway so it didn't matter, but then he had a good reason to smack MJ in the face, which was really awesome.

"I guess we just totally skipped the obnoxious Bruce Campbell cameo in the French restaurant," mumbled Peter as he ran away, crying hysterically.

"Oui, certainement," Bruce Campbell said before sinking into the depths of chronic unemployment from whence he came. MJ began to cry hysterically and ran to Harry's house for emotional solace.

"Oh, Harry!" she bawled. "I don't know where I'd be without you!"

"Not here," mumbled Harry spitefully as they prepared breakfast while dancing to the twist very awkwardly. "So I guess we just forgot that whole me-turning-into-the-Goblin-and-choking-you thing?"

"I'd rather make out with you," she said, and started to. "I mean, oh God! What was I thinking?"

"I didn't mean to," lied Harry while watching her go. "Curses! Now who'll satisfy me? BERNARD?" he yelled upstairs to his butler, who wisely did not respond. "Oh well. Time to somehow recover all my memories by looking at a painting of my dad!" He did so, then Peter showed up and they began to fight. The camera shook to show that this was "real" fighting and not that fancy CGI stuff. This might have been cool if it had not been done in the Matrix Revolutions when Bane and Neo fought on the ship.

"Aw, man!" cried Harry hysterically. "Now I've got a scar all over my face! At least it's only bad enough so that I'm still moderately physically attractive! How… dare I say it? Convenient!"

In a church somewhere, Eddie Brock sat down and began crying hysterically. "Dear God, I've been humiliated by Peter Parker because I forged a picture and he ratted on me… that no-good-tattletale! It's as if I died something illegal! I want you to kill him for me… please… either that or give me the chance to get another job, I don't know."

Meanwhile, Peter swung into a bell tower, full of remorse and hysterical crying for his actions (although why he would feel bad about pimp-slapping MJ is beyond any normal person) and started ripping the costume off. Very coincidentally, this was the bell tower of the church Eddie Brock was in. Brock went to investigate when Peter started screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Ack! Gar! Whoa! Holy cow! Hey, baby! No! Yah!" roared Peter inarticulately. He rang the bell and figured out the virus' weakness- loud noises. Which definitely wasn't from Daredevil. Or just plain stupid. Some of the virus fell down and landed on Eddie.

"Oh no! Now I'm Venom! Time to negotiate a deal with Sandman and become a super-villain-tag-team-power-duo and… uh… wait, capture Mary Jane? WE DID THAT THE LAST TWO TIMES!" bellowed Eddie Brock.

"How does 15 million dollars sound?" hinted the director, who was obviously tired of the material.

"Er, perfect," stammered the actor playing Venom before doing just that. Sandman turned into a giant troll and rampaged around. With all the pieces for an epic battle, only one thing could result from this…

The butler coming with information there was no reason for him to know, or withhold until this point, and changing Harry's mind about fighting.

Or, crying hysterically.

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"Well, that was a horrific movie," Sonic groused as they drove back home.

"What? YE OLDE SONIC FOLLYE or SPIDER-MAN 3: CRYING HYSTERICALLY?" Knuckles asked.

"Both," grumped Shadow. "I just hope nobody ransacked our house while we were away."

"I certainly didn't," growled Tails.

"Tails? What are you doing here?" they asked, confused.

"Cream rejected me in favor of White Boy McGee," Tails complained. Meanwhile, Metal Sonic grabbed the items that had been on the list and searched in a frenzy for that last, vital item: the Click DVD, unaware of what had truly happened…

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This chapter was really short and the Sonic part was just kind of placeholder, but more will come soon. I just had to vent my feelings about Spider-Man 3. Expect more in a few weeks.


	88. Let's Lynch The Sandler

Sonic Insanity

A reference for you punk fans out there:Take a look at this stanza from the Dead Kennedy's hit song, "California Uber Alles."

Now it's 1984 

_Knock, knock at your front door_

_It's the suede denim secret police_

_They have come for your uncool niece_

Now look at the chapter titles for chapters 84, 85, 86 and 87. Coincidence? **I think not! **Especially since I wrote the chapter titles myself. Oh well.

Yes, I do include altered punk song lyrics in my chapter titles. A time-wasting puzzle of Tool-like proportions, one only Headwater Daddy and myself caught onto. Kudos to anybody who knows enough about the Dead Kennedys to care.

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"It wasn't a terrible movie," mumbled Shadow halfheartedly. "I mean, we were all insulted mercilessly, and the filming techniques were very unprofessional-"

"_They looked like they were drawn on a cocktail napkin using a makeup kit!" _howled Sonic, swerving unsafely as he drove them back to his house from Ye Olde Sonic Follye. "It was horrible! There aren't words to describe it!"

"Well, I thought it was OK," Shadow insisted. "It was a frenzy to emulate, but pineapple won't sauce fourths!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" raged Sonic, gripping the steering wheel so tightly that it creaked.

"Uh, what's that _not _supposed to mean?" Knuckles observed scornfully.

"The capital of Argentina?" Sonic guessed hopefully.

"Sorry, that _is _what it was supposed to mean," Shadow smirked, much to Sonic's fury. "Way to go there, genius extraordinaire. So what is the capital of Argentina anyway?"

"I don't know, Ethiopia?" snapped Sonic, frustrated and annoyed.

"Incorrect! The answer is Spaghetti-Os!" cackled Knuckles. Shadow winced as Sonic's head exploded from fury, and opened a window to vent out the car.

They drove to Sonic's house without further incident. At least, without _much _further incident. Sonic was annoyed that Knuckles had convinced them to go see the movie, which in fact he had not. Knuckles refused to apologize for his behavior.

"Why not?" snarled Sonic. "It was horrendous! Only Parker Poser over there liked it! What's your excuse?"

"As your mother always told me," Knuckles howled with hysterical laughter, "'If you're going to do something, stand behind it!' Now, I can't refuse a woman who's asking for a-"

Tails sighed and wondered why they even had a car when Sonic's supernova-like eruptions of rage kept vaporizing them. After the mushroom cloud disappeared, Sonic and Knuckles fought all the way home. As they got in the driveway, Sonic began complaining about his bruises.

"I feel like I've been hit repeatedly with a golf club," he whined as they advanced toward the house.

"Don't you mean, _hit multiple times _with a _metal sports instrument?" _Knuckles corrected him.

"What's the difference?"

"What _isn't _the difference?"

"The similarity?" Shadow suggested innocently, only to find himself at the receiving end of more blows.

As the Furious Foursome entered the house, Metal Sonic began to sweat furiously. He had located all the items from their plan but one, the Click DVD, as was established last chapter. There was no choice. He would have to take desperate measures into his own desperate hands! Er, wait a minute. But regardless, he would do something or other. Immediately an ingenious idea burst into his head, inspired by memories of his idyllic and lovely childhood… A flashback commenced.

Metal Sonic was playing happily on the floor. Eggman, his bristling mustache twitching, was reading a newspaper while sitting in an armchair. Metal Sonic's mother, who he had clearly fabricated just to construct a good flashback, was busy preparing eggs on the griddle. Their pair of old basset hounds, Hellcat and Dorothy, were basking lazily in a sunbeam. Metal Sonic blissfully made "vroom, vroom" noises as he pushed his toy truck across the floor.

Suddenly Eggman stood up, and everything froze. Metal's fictional mother cowered in the corner. Metal himself stared uncertainly. The ends of Eggman's mustache began to twitch furiously, moving back and forth like canoe paddles. The faster they went, the deeper red his face became. Then he swooped down upon the inert basset hounds and seized them.

"SCURVY!" he bellowed, swinging his beet-red face like an ox as he toted the passive dogs. "Scurvy and the plague, running rampant in my house! Vile, foul, corrupting diseases of the flesh!" He shook the dogs, who whined melancholically. "Festering illnesses in canine form! HAH! I hath found thee out!" He dropped them with disgust, grabbing his wife's griddle and brandishing it at the fleeing hounds. "That's right, run like the cowardly infecting blights you are!"

"Dad, how can a basset hound be a disease?" asked Metal Sonic confusedly. "I mean, maybe if they had diseases, but they clearly don't…" He quailed as his father's bulging eye swiveled to find him. For a moment they glared at each other.

"Um… er… MEDIOCRITY!" he roared, chasing after the bassets and plucking them up again. "Shiftless idlers, contributing nothing to the well-being of this family, eating us out of house and home! Lazy, good-for-nothing knaves and jackanapes! Nothing but constant ineptitude as soon as I set foot in the door!" His teeth were bared in a vicious snarl.

"How exactly are they inept?" asked Metal skeptically, returning to his toys.

"They're financially inept, for one thing!" shrieked Eggman. "You never see them with any money! No, they're too busy living off their friends, the ungrateful paupers that they are!"

"_They're DOGS!" _shouted Metal Sonic furiously, overcome by confusion and rage. "How are they supposed to make any _money?"_

"Aw, listen to Mr. Bleeding Heart Liberal over here," sneered Eggman contemptuously. "'The dogs can't get good jobs because they're a different species, it's the white man's fault, society is prejudiced, bla blah bla!' You soft pansies don't seem to realize that your 'affirmative action' is no solution for _mediocrity!"_

"_IF THEY CAN'T SPEAK, WRITE OR COMMUNICATE IN ANY RECOGNIZABLE LANGUAGE, OPERATE MACHINERY OR PERFORM SIMPLE TASKS OF ANY KIND, HOW ARE THEY BEING DISCRIMINATED AGAINST?" _howled Metal Sonic with unbelievable amounts of fury. His mother cringed.

"That's exactly what I just asked you!" growled Eggman. "Here you are, a typical liberal whiner, sticking up for the underdog, always defending the minority!"

"This isn't a political issue!" cried Metal. "This is about you accusing our pets, who aren't _supposed _to serve a real purpose in the house, of being diseases and then of being lazy and mediocre!"

"Oh, sure, divert the issue!" seethed Eggman. "Sounds exactly the sort of thing a liberal _flip-flopper _like you might come up! INDECISIVENESS!" he shrieked. "If there's one thing in this house I can't tolerate, it's indecisiveness! Or is it hypocrisy? Hmmm… maybe indecisiveness… but then again, I _do _really dislike hypocrisy… on the other hand…"

"You're being both, you indecisive hypocrite!" raged Metal Sonic, unable to cope with these levels of ridiculousness. He stomped upstairs to his bedroom. Eggman waited until his son had left the room, smiled warmly at his wife, and sat back down in the chair, petting the basset hounds affectionately as he did so. The flashback ended.

Now, you may wonder what strategy Metal could have possibly picked up from such lunacy. The plan was simple: He would pose as a mediocre scurvy victim, hoping to be unobtrusive, and hopefully Eggman would seize him out of the house before Sonic and the gang showed.

"La de da, having infectious diseases…" he warbled.

"Try citrus," asked a grizzled old bum sitting next to him.

"WHOA! Rob Schneider? What are you doing here?" exclaimed Metal Sonic.

The old bum hiccupped and swigged from a bottle of hooch. "Well, ya see, everybody got tired of me piggybacking off of Sandler's popularity. I released film after film in an unending attempt to flood the market and give people no choice but to see my horrendous films."

"I can remember," Metal Sonic said wistfully. "_The Guy Getting Punched In The Face? _What were you thinking? Nobody wants to see 90 minutes of that!"

"Apparently my devoted fan base did," argued Schneider.

"Your 'devoted fan base' consists of mental patients, 11-year-old boys and in-flight movie purchasers!" yelled Metal. "How can you claim that anybody cares about you and your idiotic career? _The Benchwarmers? _How many people saw that- 200? 300?"

"_Anyway," _growled Schneider angrily, "your boss Eggman caught onto my theater-flooding scheme and did it himself, except with bad sequels to bad movies instead of just bad movies. I had been one-upped, or one-downed if you will. I tried to sue him for copyright infringement, spending all my money in legal fees in the hopes that I might make a profit from the suit."

"And?"

"It was a disaster!" Schneider moped, drinking again. "He got away with my plan, and the judge threw me out of court because he hated my movies! I went to every court in the world- same response! My mother kicked me out of her house just for _The Hot Chick!"_

"I would have too," Metal Sonic mumbled to himself. "So what about your buddy Sandler? Couldn't you have worked as his pool boy or something?"

"That's where the Click DVD comes in," Schneider said, pulling the movie from the inside of his grubby coat.

"You've got it? Give it to me!" yelled Metal, but the bum held it out of reach.

"Listen to me," Rob Schneider said urgently. "I had been betrayed by Eggman, so I came to Sonic and his friends for help. That's what their plan was about. They were going to try to blackmail Sandler into giving everything to me. Once they'd done that, I would repay them by giving them the rights to all of Sandler's movies, so that they could make sequels, do George Lucas-like re-releases, and do whatever else they wanted with them. With so much money, I would be in a perfect position to get revenge on Eggman, my enemy!"

"So what does the Click DVD have to do with it?" Metal asked skeptically.

"Sonic and his pals were going to blackmail Sandler by threatening to make him watch Click," Schneider babbled. "No man can bear to watch himself sink so low… well, except me, of course."

"You didn't even have to sink," Metal said with disgust. "So what were the rest of the supplies for? The stuffed monkey? The rocket catapult? How were they involved?"

"I don't know," Schneider admitted. "I think they were part of an unrelated plan to go eat lunch or something."

"You know, it really has taken an extraordinary amount of time for he and his friends to get in here," Metal Sonic observed, after bursting into fiery rage at Schneider's last statement. Very coincidentally, Sonic, Knuckles, Tails and Shadow could be heard coming through the front door at that very moment.

"So what isthe capital of Argentina anyway?" came Sonic's voice from the hall.

"What's _not _the capital of Argentina anyway?" Shadow said rudely. A massive fight began.

"Um… I'm gonna pretend to be a mediocre leper right now," Metal said to Schneider, who shrugged and disappeared through a hole in the universe created by his own worthlessness. The robot tried to blend in casually with…um… actually, he just huddled against the wall and hoped they would overlook him. Or under-look him, if possible. Needless to say, they noticed him as soon as they entered the room.

"Oh look, some guy with typhoid, how entirely not suspicious," Tails said offhandedly.

"That's not really weird," Sonic said loudly. "Maybe he's _just about to leave while we all turn our backs at the same time…"_

Metal Sonic, overwhelmed by suspicion, burst out of his disguise. "All right, you caught me! But I'll escape!"

Everybody in the Sonic crew looked at each other sympathetically. Except for Knuckles, who was staring murderously at the ceiling light.

"Metal, we were trying to let you escape with your dignity intact," Shadow said. "Your disguise was so pitiful, we needed to give you a chance to walk away with a minimum of embarrassment."

"I'm your enemy!" roared Metal. "What motivation could you have for doing that?"

"Uh, what motivation _couldn't _we have for doing that?" Sonic smirked.

"Um… so I guess now we get in a fight or something?" Metal Sonic asked.

"Not so fast! Why were you in our house!" Knuckles demanded.

"I was stealing the components to your Adam Sandler plan," Metal admitted, shuffling his feet.

"Oh, that," Sonic said cheerfully. "Thanks a lot!"

"_**WHAT?!?"**_

"You see," Shadow explained with great patience, "we all hated Rob Schneider so much that we were just setting him up. That Click DVD was the last possession of any worth that he owned!"

"How is that movie of any worth whatsoever?"

"There… um… was… a receipt inside for store credit," mumbled Sonic. "But now that you have it-"

"Actually, he has it," Metal confessed. "He had it in his coat and then he ran off with it."

Everybody swore dejectedly. Well, Tails said "aw, jeepers," but you get the idea.

"I guess his career will go on," Shadow sighed unhappily.

"I suppose so," grumbled Knuckles ungraciously.

"Can I go now?" Metal Sonic asked.

"Yeah, sure," Sonic said. "I guess that's the end of that little plan."

"One thing I don't understand though," said Knuckles, his brow furrowed. "Why is it that-"

"Yeah, anyway, nice weather, ain't it?" Shadow smirked obnoxiously, provoking another huge fight. Tails uneasily tried to dodge it in order to get to his room in peace and one piece, but a furry black arm reached out and yanked him into the brawl with many squawks of protest. Meanwhile, back at the Egg Base…

"TREACHERY!" bellowed Eggman, pointing a finger dramatically at the ham, lettuce and honey mustard sandwich.

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Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I'm taking a short break so don't expect an update for maybe a month or so, rather than around two weeks as usual. Thanks to everybody for reading and I hope I'm back shortly. Review!


	89. When Ya Get Drafted!

Sonic Insanity

This chapter title continues the tradition of Dead Kennedys-themed titles. Review, and thanks for waiting for such a long time!

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"I'm home from getting groceries!" announced Knuckles as he dumped the 8 cases of beer and the combo pack of potato chips on the kitchen table. "Ah, the glory of being a bachelor. Now where is everybody?" As was the custom on Grocery Day, each person got to pick out a small treat whenever groceries were bought. Since nobody had helped him go get groceries, Knuckles had been in a very ungenerous mood, so he had gotten them all terrible treats. Tails' treat was a monster truck tire and two dead tree branches. Sonic's treat was a hammock made out of duct tape, a dirty old volleyball, and a giant bag of sand. Shadow's treat was a tub of ice cream that Knuckles had melted, sprinkled ground cayenne and jalapeno peppers into, stirred, and then refrozen. Knuckles' treat, on the other hand, was a massive gold Rolex.

"Cash in my pockets, jewelry on my wrist, diamond rings on my fingers and platinum on my fist," he rapped, lobbing the ice cream into the freezer as hard as he possibly could. "Internationally famous, everybody likes me, number one on the chart, positively guaranteed… now where are these people?" He went into his bedroom and deposited the "treats" there, deciding to look for Tails first. "Hmmm… maybe he's in the living room."

Sure enough, he found Tails in there, but with a most unwelcome guest considering the circumstances; Rouge. They were entwined precariously on the couch, articles of clothing lying in all sorts of unlikely places. At the sight of him, both looked scared and sheepish.

"WHOA! WHOA! Time out! Calm down!" Knuckles instructed briskly. "This is NOT the way things happened! Here's how _I _recall events." He pulled the clothes-deficient Rouge off the couch and draped her over his body in a suggestive posture. "So, Rouge, you were right there… now Tails, I think you were right there." Knuckles pulled Tails to his feet, positioned the fox in a standing posture, and then aimed his own fist directly at the fox's nose. "Now _this _is more like it!" he nodded approvingly. "Let's take things from the top!"

After Tails had been given the beating of his life, and Rouge was safely clothed and out of the house, Knuckles searched around for Sonic and Shadow.

"Where are they?" he growled, as Tails hobbled unsteadily out of the wrecked living room. "I've looked everywhere!"

"Maybe they're in your room," groaned Tails uneasily.

"Did I _ask _for your opinion?" seethed Knuckles, red with wrath.

"OK, fine, don't take my suggestion, let's see if you ever find them," sneered Tails.

Knuckles stewed with utter fury for a few moments and decided to compromise by smacking Tails in the face and walking to his bedroom. Not really expecting much, his jaw dropped as he witnessed the horrible sight.

Sonic and Shadow were in his room. So were two hundred other people, and they were all having a beach party. The "treats" had been put to good use. The sand Knuckles had gotten Sonic was sprinkled all over the floor. The duct tape hammock had been stretched between the two dead tree branches to form a volleyball court, where many people were enthusiastically playing with the volleyball Knuckles had bought. Still more people were eating from a massive buffet line, all enthusiastically enjoying the jalapeno ice cream. Worst of all, the truck tire was resting on its side, filled to the top with water, where several people were using it as a hot tub. Two of these people were Sonic and Shadow.

"_WHAT _**IS **GOING _**ON **_**HERE??"** screamed Knuckles over the blasting stereo system. "Where did you _get _all these people? Why is there a beach party in my room?"

"The summer, Knuckles," Shadow informed him, sipping from a tall tropical cocktail, "is no time for anger and frustration. It's supposed to be for relieving stress and relaxing. Don't be so upset!"

"_UPSET? _Maybe I wouldn't be upset if you hadn't decided to stage a beach party, in my room, without telling- are those _palm trees?"_

"Well, let's just not say that they're not palm trees…"

"You see, Knuckles," explained Sonic kindly as a nubile young coed nibbled his ear, "you really brought this on yourself. You bought us these treats expecting us to be mad. It's only fair for us to try to turn the situation around!"

"I've endured nothing but stress and treachery since I got home!" bellowed Knuckles. "First I catch Tails cheating on my girl, now I find you somehow having a beach party in my room! Couldn't you have asked me first?"

"Um, no, actually," Shadow admitted.

"WHY NOT?"

"We wanted it to be a surprise!"

"_YOU JUST ADMITTED THAT YOU ONLY DID THIS IN ORDER TO GET BACK AT ME FOR GIVING YOU BAD TREATS!" _screamed Knuckles. "_How could you have planned this as a surprise?"_

"Well, in that case, we just didn't want to tell you because we knew you wouldn't be as mad!" Sonic invented wildly.

"Even if she complains!" Shadow helpfully added.

Knuckles stuttered for several seconds. He was literally overcome by confusion and rage. There was no vocalization, capitalized or otherwise, that could properly indicate the tempest of anger that was building up inside of him. And then it barreled out of his throat, like a lava flow boiling up and peeling the skin from his throat, an unbearably harsh scream fueled by the accumulated pain and agony of a million hell-scalded souls. In short, it sounded like any given moment of Rihanna singing.

"_**Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggghhhhhhhhh!" **_he howled in a colossal nuclear blast of fury.

"You Americans speak rubbish!" smirked Sonic, as if he were any less American that Knuckles, in a very racist foreign accent. "We have no _nu_clear missiles! I can't understand what you're saying!"

"He lied to my damn face!" growled Shadow, then added, "even if she complains" in subdued tones.

"Telegram, sir!" called a servant standing at the door.

"Why, thank you, Percy," smirked Shadow, intercepting the telegram. He took several minutes to bask in the glory and awesomeness of receiving a telegram before Sonic snatched it from him and ripped it open. Shadow immediately began to cry.

"Awww, poor little mama's boy!" chuckled Knuckles benevolently. Suddenly a loud wobbling noise started echoing around the room. Sonic's lip was trembling.

"Sonic, what is it? What's the telegram say?" asked Tails, strolling nonchalantly into the room.

"We've been _drafted!" _wailed Sonic.

"Into the military? Why?" asked the red echidna confusedly. "There ain't no draft yet!"

"Apparently there is!" Sonic whined. "Look! We're all officially part of the Army now!"

"Where are we fighting? Iraq?" asked Tails.

"No… France!"

"WHAT? Why are we at war with France?"

"Apparently Bush was tired of their fancy liberal elitist ways," growled Shadow, "which apparently include not going to war over oil and having a cuisine that does not center around French Fry night at the miniature golf course."

"Or Freedom Fry, anyway," corrected some guest at the beach party.

"So what do we do?" inquired Shadow.

"I guess we'll have to go," Sonic cried. "We have no choice!"

"We could always dodge the draft," suggested Tails.

"How? Move to Canada or Mexico! Bah!" sneered the ethnocentric Knuckles.

"Well, er, uh…" stammered Shadow meticulously.

Suddenly the wall caved in, showering everybody with rubble. The furry, furious foursome yelped and ran for cover as plaster dust showered through the air. A menacing silhouette became visible through the choking smoke, the silhouette of a tank. The long barrel entered the room, sweeping around for mutinous types. Tails grew angry as he saw a very familiar symbol on the tank- the image of a man's head. The man was wearing sunglasses and a large, crooked mustache.

"_Eggman!" _screamed the foursome in unison as the man himself emerged from the cockpit of the tank, grinning toothily. There was something far worse about this Eggman than ever before. He was wearing a green Army helmet and was toting a rifle in his meaty paws. Even worse, he had a walkie-talkie on his belt and several hand grenades. But the worst thing about this spectacle was his chest. It was covered in a suit that was, in turn, covered all over with military decorations of all shapes and sizes. Purple Hearts, Medals of Honor, Gold Stars… they littered his broad shirtfront like crumbs from some epic feast. The sheer idea of Eggman winning any such awards, or of him having enough bravery or fighting skill to win them was a vile and contemptible thought.

"What are you doing here? Have you been drafted into the army too?" asked Sonic uncertainly.

Eggman looked around for a moment, unable to believe what he was seeing. "That's _General _Eggman to yew, bootlickahs! This ahmy recognizes only complete and uttah deference to yer commanding officahs!"

"_**WHAT?**_" screeched the quartet.

Eggman cleared his throat, dispensed with the absurd accent, and tried again. "You're in the Army now, privates! No avoiding the draft, and absolutely no disrespecting your commanding officer! Now heave to, we're going to boot camp!"

A terrible reality was piecing together in Knuckles' mind. "Wait… so the Army we were drafted into… that was _your _army!"

They all cringed as Eggman blew at an ear-splitting volume and pitch into a metal whistle he had around his neck. He continued to blow for several more seconds before resuming. "The _Egg _Army is a fine fighting corps! We're going to war against the renowned villains Sonic the Hedgehog, Knuckles the Echidna, Shadow the Hedgehog and Tails the Flying Runt! You've been conscripted into service! Now do your patriotic duty!"

"If you're going to war against us, how do you expect us to fight on your side?" Shadow questioned.

"Traitors, eh?" screamed Eggman. "I see you've defected to the other side!"

"_IF YOU START A WAR AGAINST US, WE'RE AUTOMATICALLY THE OTHER SIDE!" _Tails howled. "Have you-"

_TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! _Eggman's whistle blatted at an unbelievably irritating frequency.

"Enough! I won't tolerate this sort of insubordination!" roared Eggman, mottled purple in the face. "You think you've won this time, but my Egg Army is more than just one tank! We are a legion to be taken seriously!"

"I think being taken seriously sort of stopped working as soon as _you _joined," Sonic jeered.

Eggman went from mottled purple to a color so dark it appeared black. And not African-American black, but literally so dark it appeared like the color black. "RESPECT YOUR ENEMY!"

"I have no respect for you, and neither does anybody else here," growled Sonic.

"I have a little bit…"

"Shut up, Tails, if anybody wanted your opinion we would have acknowledged your presence," seethed Knuckles.

"Well, maybe I should just join Eggman's side then!" Tails grumbled angrily.

"Ah-ah-ah! Not so fast!" cackled Eggman. "You must be _this _tall to ride the bandwagon!" He laughed hysterically at his own wit.

"Your side has nothing to do with the bandwagon!" Tails shouted. "In fact, it's essentially the opposite, since nobody really wants to join!"

"And why would you purposefully alienate the only people who are willing to support you?" asked Shadow.

"Well, you see," said Eggman, and then suddenly he and the tank were gone.

"Anyway," Sonic said uncertainly.

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**PLEASE READ THIS! THIS IS IMPORTANT!  
**

I am offering an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for the next chapter. Starting today, you can submit the next chapter for Sonic Insanity! Just send it to my e-mail just copy-paste it into a PM. **DO NOT POST IT IN A REVIEW. **Other than that, here are the only guidelines:

Must be T-rated or below. If not and I think yours is the best submission, I will edit out bad content.

Must not be a crossover, unless other characters are just briefly showing up.

Must end in a way that ties up the plot for that chapter, so I don't have to write the next chapter about it.

Got it? All right! It can be as short or as long as you want! Let the submissions… **BEGIN!**


	90. Written By

Sonic Insanity

Hey, guys! This chapter is written by my friend/associate, who wishes to be anonymous. Enjoy and review!

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Chapter 90: It's not a shoe store and drinking games (optional).

Note: I do not own anything. If I did I would sing.

To make a long story short, the war that occurred was annoying. But to make it longer, here is an explanation in full detail.

"So that is how we should proceed," Shadow said. He then pivoted his head to Knuckles. "What is your report?"

"We have a position in a cave," Knuckles said.

"We know that," said Shadow.

"We are undermanned and in dire need of weapons."

"No shit Knuckles! Are you in MENSA?"

"We haven't seen the sun in two days," he continued. At this point, a smirk began to show on Knuckles' face.

"We know that! We were here," yelled Shadow, his eyes going bloodshot.

"Eggman is attacking us and," he paused when he saw Tails about to enter the room, "Tails sucks."

"WE KNOW!" Exploded Sonic. He was getting really annoyed. He had one bullet in his gun. At this point he considered an accidental discharge at someone's face. A minute later he decided to go with Knuckles instead of Shadow.

"We are in a cave."

"You already said that!" yelled Shadow.

"This is not Eggman's base."

"I am two seconds from," started Shadow, but soon started to mumble.

Sonic began to point his gun at Shadow again. He would then steal his gun and kill Knuckles. Pure genius.

"We only have a Russian speaking robot on our side who also has an Italian accent called Pablo." At this point, Knuckles began to silently chuckle at Shadow's rage.

"We know! That is all we have been hearing for the past week!" yelled Shadow.

"Anyway," started Knuckles again.

"Hey guys!" said Tails, carrying a deformed volleyball. "Using the remaining bits of sand and toilet paper and parts from Pablo, I 'Macguyvered' us a bomb!"

"Shut up Tails," said Knuckles, breaking from character. "No one likes you. Now, let's attack!"

"Listen Tails," said Sonic, attempting to soften the blow, "we are under armed, undermanned, proceeding into the conflict with no strategy, and will be facing likely death. What possible use could we have for a bomb?" With that he turned around and began to charge with Shadow and Knuckles.

"But it has an onboard camera and wheels. You could use it as a lookout, or a transport, or you know, MAYBE A BOMB!" Tails then began to yell in slurs.

"Shut up Tails!" said Knuckles.

Tails sighed. He looked at Pablo.

"How are you doing Pablo?"

Tails got a reply that, if translated, would roughly say "Yo mamma so fat, Eggman said 'Damn!'"

"Thanks. I'm glad to see someone shows respect." Said Tails, who could obviously not understand Russian.

"Yo mamma so dumb, she thinks a Slim Jim is a supplement."

"You are a good friend," said the oblivious Tails.

Meanwhile, at Eggman's base 

There were only two recruits: Metal Sonic and Scourge (who was a green hedgehog).

"Looks like Eggman hasn't returned yet." Said Metal Sonic. He turned to Scourge, who was picking daises in front of the base. "Get back in the base!"

"Are you kidding? I may have to pull rank on you."

"No you don't. Besides I was here first and you don't know how to wield weapons. I also was promoted to captain."

"No, your old captain died and you are just a recruit. The last time I checked, that makes your rank a recruit with a dead captain."

"And what are you" said Metal Sonic.

"I am a super de duper ultra green medical private first class."

If Metal Sonic's voice could change tone, it would be enraged. However, it remained monotone. "Is that even a rank?"

"Thanks to years of writing and begging to command, it is now!" smirked Scourge.

_Meanwhile, thousands of miles away… OK, more like feet._

Sonic and Knuckles were arguing. No surprise there. However, the subject they were arguing about was even stranger.

"We should trade in the tank for a Jeep," said Knuckles, who was wearing his custom made armor, if by that you mean golden chains.

"Why would we want to do that?" yelled Sonic, "We don't even have a tank. You idiot!"

"Well, you can't pick up chicks in a tank," said Knuckles as if it was obvious. "A jeep is customizable."

"You do realize we are in a war," said Sonic, but he was ignored.

"Besides, now I can price it to all those chicks who said 'not even if you were the last echidna on earth.' Well, I may not be the last echidna on earth, but I am an echidna with a tricked out Jeep!" said Knuckles, clearly ignoring Sonic. "If we chip in we can get some spinners and hydraulics. Maybe a few SUB."

"Why are you worried about getting chicks? It isn't like the world was destroyed or anything."

"What about Alaska?" butted in Tails.

"Shut up Tails. Nobody likes you. Go home," said Knuckles.

Back at Eggman's base 

"I have a question," said Scourge.

"What is it!" said Metal Sonic. If he could express himself, he would sound depressed.

"Why are we here?"

"It is one of life's greatest mysteries. Is there a plan out there for all of us? Is there a superior being watching every move we make? I don't know, but it keeps me up at night," said a hippie. Metal Sonic promptly shot him.

"I meant why are we here helping Eggman," said Scourge. **(AN: This is the biggest Red vs. Blue rip-off I have ever witnessed. The rest of the chapter is awesome, but seriously…)**

"Because he pays well."

"His last check bounced."

"That was because me."

"Well, we are the only recruits he has that can actually do more things then die."

"Just shut up there." Said Metal Sonic. He was getting really tired. He could also sense a rant about to start.

"We could leave and split up his jobs. All he did was yell at us and insult us constantly."

"Because he is the only one who does those chores."

"How about this? You can yell at me and I can insult you."

"Get inside NOW!" yelled Metal Sonic.

"That's what yo mamma said last night."

"Shut up, numbskull."

"You are so stupid, you think Mega Man X is a porn star." Scourge turned to speak to Metal Sonic. "This system is great. We should have thought of this months ago."

_Meanwhile, thousands of feet away…_

"Here is the plan. We go in a line from least to most important, starting with Shadow and ending with me," said Sonic, "We will charge the fortress, take everyone hostage, and kill the least important person. Understand? Good. Come on meat-shields, let's win me a victory."

"First of all, no," said Shadow. "Do you even know how many have died with that previous strategy?"

"Yes," replied Sonic, grinning proudly. He then became serious. "Remember soldier, your death will not go in vain! Unless of course we lose. Then it will."

"Secondly," said Shadow, "why am I first in line?"

"You're special," lied Sonic.

"Finally, why didn't we take that bomb?"

"Because" said Sonic, puffing out his chest, "real men don't kill people with bombs or other vital supplies. Real men snipe them while they go to sleep!"

"Why would they be asleep, you cretin? It's broad daylight!"

"How about this," interjected Knuckles, forestalling an argument. "We go in and shoot a bunch and then drink the remaining 6-pack!"

"Fine," pouted Sonic.

They got up there at the base about to take up position, when…

_100 feet away at Eggman's base_

"Enemy!" yelled Metal Sonic.

"You suck, Metal!" insulted Scourge. He then realized it was not directed at him and ran to the turret.

Meanwhile, on the other side…

"Shit!" yelled Shadow. The three ran to cover.

"Don't worry," yelled Knuckles over the gunfire. "It can't last forever."

Later 

"You know how you said a turret guarding a base can't have unlimited ammo?" said Shadow over the gunfire.

"Yeah…"

"You lied."

"Quickly, Shadow. Take the bullets. You can handle it. Be like 50 cent."

"Sonic, he lives in Vermont. Why would I want to be like him?"

"It is better then Jersey," said Knuckles.

"Jersey is better then death."

"Screw this. I'm taking them out." With that, Knuckles took out the guards and got up to the cannon. He jammed it, temporarily stopping the fire.

"Nice one!" said Shadow. He began to walk up.

Then Knuckles tripped while sitting, causing the turret to be non-jammed.

"Holy crap!" said Sonic. He didn't believe what was happening. Shadow had been shot. "You just shot Shadow, you team-killing redneck!" He ran up to him. "Shadow. Are you all right?"

"I just got shot, you cracker!" yelled Shadow.

"Oh, right."

"Sonic" said Shadow weakly.

"Yes Shadow?"

"I always hated you the most," said Shadow. With that he died.

"No!" yelled everyone for some reason.

At that moment, Shadow woke up. He was in his tire hot tub with hundreds playing volleyball in Knuckles' room. Nothing could be that bad. Even he and Sonic were getting along. Was it all a dream?

Then Knuckles barged in, guns blasting.

"Run!" yelled Sonic. Nearly everyone took cover or jumped out a window. Shadow and Sonic ran behind a piece of rubble from the ceiling that somehow fell in due to a toothpick. Next to them were two people: a girl named Jade, and a groupie.

"We need to make a negotiation personnel," said Sonic. "I nominate the groupie and Jade."

"Second it," said Shadow.

Now, to make a redundant story shorter, the groupie got shot in the head and the four essential members drank the rest of the keg.

Optional (AN: I believe this applies to the whole story. Note: Mecha Scorpion does not subsidize alcohol consumption) 

Here are rules for the drinking game: when Sonic fights, drink. When pop culture is stated, drink thrice. **(AN: This means three times in some obscure Hylian dialect) **When a 'your mom' joke is said, finish your drink. When you read a dialogue like this, drink until you have to go to AA.

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AN: Well, I feared the worst, but this chapter was actually really funny! On the sad side, I have something I wish to express here. **PAY ATTENTION!  
**

The next chapter will probably be the last of this story. It's been a long journey, full of trials and tribulations. I really appreciated you guys and I read every single review. Let me give a few shout-outs to the kids who really helped me along the way-

Justin Time 

** (aka He Who Wrote This Chapter)**

**Tweedle Dumbass**

**Crimson Nightshade**

**Dynamic Chaos**

**A God Of Irony**

**Sour Schuyler**

**Clan rHrn**

**Uhyeahitsteamdark**

**There is no pen name**

**ANYONE ELSE I MANY HAVE FORGOTTEN**

**  
And the incomparable HEADWATER DADDY  
**

I would end it on this chapter, but I feel like I owe it to you guys to write an ending one myself. I had a great time writing this story, but toward the end it felt more like an obligation and I lost my enthusiasm. I may write another Sonic story, probably not another Sonic Insanity one at least for a long while. If I do a sequel, I'll write something in this story about it, so you guys will get the story alerts.

Anyway, I'm sorry to quit it, but now is kind of a lull in the interest and I think it's the best time. Thanks a lot for all your support over the many months.

In closing, I could have done it without you guys… but I wouldn't have.


	91. The Real Last Chapter

Sonic Insanity

Last chapter, guys! I appreciate all your help, support and reviews over the years, and the great feedback you gave me. With that, let's bring this insane powerhouse to a close with THE LAST CHAPTER!

Notes:

Sorry Linds the stupid, but… uh… what was your old name? Sorry I forgot anybody.

Also, I don't really think I can drag this out to 100 chapters. There aren't that many people still reading as far as I can tell (or at least reviewing) so I think now's a good place to stop.

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Tails' hand moved frantically. His breathing was shallow and ragged as his hand pumped repetitively. His eyes jittered slightly, and once he actually caught his breath. The powerful surge filled his entire body just before the tip exploded in a release of fluid-

"Tails seems a bit too enthusiastic to learn how to pump gas," Sonic commented, watching from the snack shop as the fox filled their car up.

"Hey, at least he's paying for it," Shadow shrugged. "Have you _seen _how expensive gas is lately?"

"Wow, I'm sure nobody ever thought up a joke about that before," sneered Sonic.

"But it's already costing more than your mom! 3 bucks per gallon is ABSURDLY high, for women or gas!" chuckled Shadow exuberantly. Sonic growled and filled his shopping bag with chips and sugar drinks.

"All right, where's Knuckles?" he grumbled, looking for the echidna. Of course, he immediately found him.

"Two of the Hustler magazines… one Playboy… four Barely Legal… twelve Midget Goat Ranchers Monthly…" Knuckles instructed the clerk at the checkout counter.

"Is everyone ready to go?" asked Shadow as they got in line.

"Yeah, why are we at this gas station in the first place?" asked Sonic.

"I didn't ask if you had a question, I asked if you were ready to go," growled Shadow.

Sonic stepped forward menacingly and accidentally bumped into an overweight man. "Sorry," he muttered, but soon noticed Shadow's expression. "What?"

"That man," whispered Shadow, petrified, "has _killed children."_

"What? Really?" Sonic, looking a little worried, eyed the man once his back was turned. "Shouldn't he… you know, be in jail or anything?"

"Nobody can ever pin anything on him," muttered Shadow. "In fact, he only kills children, and he kills them all the time."

"So he's like a serial killer? How does he do it?" asked Sonic, morbidly fascinated.

"Watch," said Shadow, "and pray to Morgan Freeman that Tails doesn't come in here."

A small child entered the store and started playing next to the boxes of diet soda. There was a perceptible change in the overweight man's behavior. His head turned and his hands began to twitch. Sonic couldn't see his face, as his back was turned, but he could imagine it- a piggy, bloated grin.

Then- faster than Sonic would have thought possible- the overweight man lunged across the store and sat down on the young child. There was an awful crunch and the man got up, sidling away. The young boy was nowhere to be seen.

Horrified and outraged, Sonic turned to Shadow. "We've got to stop him!"

"How? The Sitting Man's evaded police for thirty years!" hissed Shadow. "You saw how fast he moved!"

As Shadow and Sonic argued, Knuckles manipulated the controls of the Overweight Man Machine that he was piloting. Pulling levers and switches, he tried to simulate human movement as best he could by controlling the robot. Tails, who had been disguised as the little boy, had gotten into the robot through a compartment in the robot's leg when the robot had sat down.

"Why are we doing this?" growled Tails. "What possible use could there be for a robot of a fat man who sits on children?"

A twinkle appeared in Knuckles' eye. By that I do not mean that his eyes appeared merrier, or that there was a gleam of light, but that there was actually a physical object in his eye called a twinkle. Blinking to get it out, he replied, "It's all Transformers, my dear boy."

"What?"

"Transformers! Robots in disguise!" crowed Knuckles. "This particular transformer is echidna-operated to prevent that pesky AI stuff from taking over! In normal unobtrusive mode, it's a normal child-killing fat man. But in the other mode…" He chuckled. "Want me to show you?"

"All right…"

Knuckles pressed a series of buttons, and in the blink of an eye, they were being lifted off the ground. Machinery whirred all around them, leaving Tails without anything safe to grip onto. Knuckles, concentrating tightly, guided the machine through its transformation. Inside the gas station, Sonic and Shadow gasped (well, Shadow was in on the plan, so he was just acting). The fat man had suddenly turned into a massive fat man visibly made out of iron.

"_SURRENDER NOW OR NOBODY GETS HURT!" _blared Knuckles. "Unless, of course, you're a sniveling pansy like Sonic…"

Sonic was absolutely astonished by this. "KNUCKLES? What kind of balderdash is this? Who… who… who masquerades as a child-killing fat man transformer?"

"_QUIET! MAMA ALWAYS SAID NEVER TO TALK TO FOREIGNERS!" _Knuckles howled in a highly racist manner. "They'll give you warts!"

A sly smile was spreading over Sonic's face. "You think you've won… whereas in fact, I too have a transformer!"

"Where? Your grasp of technology doesn't even extend to copy-pasting text!" cackled Knuckles.

"All around you!" roared Sonic triumphantly as the gas station all around them underwent a miraculous change. The pumps turned into fingers, the hoses morphed into sinews, the snack bar turned into the head- individual pieces came together. Cars were crushed in the grinding of gears as the entire paved area that the gas station sat on turned into a massive, hinged armor plating. Sonic and Shadow got behind the snack bar counter, which metamorphosed into a huge control panel even as it was lifting off the ground. Tails gazed at this scene with complete astonishment. Knuckles, who had been reading a newspaper, put it down and examined their transformer.

"Most amusing!" he chortled. "But, you see, that won't be any match for my giant fat man here." The robotic fat man lovingly patted its belly at Knuckles' command, but he accidentally pulled the switch too hard and the fat chunk of metal belly was pulverized. "Um, er, PREPARE FOR ANNIHILATION!" he screamed.

Both robots charged at each other more violently than famished cats with hot dogs tied to their backs, and faster than if Headwater Daddy himself had been chasing them on his trademarked hover trolley. Which he probably would have too, being a gluttonous lunatic. (Hint: he wasn't hungry for the hot dogs.) Their steps shook the earth with vaporizing crunches. Only one would survive, unless they missed each other due to the pilots' mediocrity. They prepared to collide full on in a gloriously meaningless CGI orgy.

"Here we go!" Knuckles hollered, thrashing around like a live fish in Eggman's meticulous grasp. "_Here we gooooooooooooooooooo_!"

Just as the two transformers were about to run right into each other, the whole gang was suddenly on Angel Island. The Master Emerald was shining brightly in the shrine.

"What? How'd we get here?" Shadow asked, looking frantically around.

"Um… let's just go back home," said Sonic, shivering.

They stepped out of the shrine and found themselves facing a tall hill that none of them had seen before.

"This is weird," Knuckles said. "Shadow, can't you just warp us out of here?"

Shadow reached for his Chaos Emerald, but it had already detached from his belt and was floating up the hill away from them.

"HEY! Let's get it!" Tails yelled, and they began pursuit, confident that the emerald would stop at the top of the hill. However, fifteen minutes later, they still hadn't reached it.

"Phew! Let's take a break," gasped Sonic, sinking to the ground. The emerald floated tauntingly just up ahead. They turned around to see how far they had gotten from the shrine and gasped. They were exactly the same distance from it as they were when they had started.

"_What's going on?" _yelled Tails, his face screwed up. "I don't like this!"

"It's all just a bad dream, don't worry, Tails," Sonic tried to reassure him.

"A _bad _dream? This is great!" Knuckles cheered.

"**WHAT?**"

"Think about it! No responsibilities, no duties, nothing to bother us! We can just stay here as long as we want with nothing to worry about!"

"You idiot!" raged Sonic. "Do you see any food around here? We'll starve to death! We're cut off from all civilization! There's no chance for survival!" He was astonished to see a perplexing grin slide over Knuckles' face.

"Well, maybe _you _don't have any food," he smirked, reaching into the Master Emerald. His hand sank right through it and he pulled out an entire roast chicken, which he jovially gnawed upon.

"_**WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" **_ the three other furries chorused lividly in a hellish trio of screams.

"La de da, you ladies ain't got enough to eat?" chuckled the echidna blissfully, reaching in again and accessing several watermelons. "I set this up _years _ago! Didn't you ever wonder why Eggman was always after this?"

"It's a power source!" screamed Tails.

"A power source for _him!" _Knuckles yodeled belligerently. "There ain't enough food to sustain him for years on end! He's gotta have an unlimited source of snacks, and that's what the Master Emerald provides!"

"So what happens when it breaks into pieces?" Shadow grumbled.

"The energy core of the Emerald is sustained by a very careful gravitational and magnetic reaction," explained Knuckles, using a pointer to point at a blackboard. Much like his previous plan to get the lottery tickets, the objects on the board had no relation to what he was talking about.

"When the shards are fused together, the atomic levels are uniform, creating a balance that holds the core in place," he continued, indicating a porpoise munching on a pair of boots that were arguing with each other. "But if any part of the Emerald is detached from the main body, the core is thrown out of balance and explodes, sending the shards flying." Knuckles carefully pointed at each section of a three-part diagram- a tree cutting itself down with an axe held in its branches, many rows of the number 69 forming an unspeakable ASCII image, and a monstrous jar of tomato sauce rolling up a flight of stairs.

"When the shards are brought back together, the core can maintain its balance, providing a food center!" he concluded, only to find that his audience had disappeared.

"Guys?" he said frantically, looking up the hill. They were nowhere to be seen. "GUYS?"

And then he too was warped magically back to their house. The other three guys were there.

"What's happening? Why are we just appearing and disappearing all over the place?" he gibbered, craving an answer.

"I don't know, but let's all hold onto something and try to stay here," Tails proposed. There was nothing better to do, so they all got into their car, removed the seats, and sat down in the living room wearing the seatbelts. After a while, this grew very boring.

"I'm bored," Knuckles said, just as a letter flew in through the window.

"It's addressed to me!" squealed Tails, coming out of a closet underneath the stairs.

"What?" Knuckles asked, frozen with fear.

"Yeah, it is! See, 'Tails the Fox, The Cupboard Under the Stairs, Number 4, Privet-" Suddenly Sonic, who had become very fat and spoiled suddenly, seized it from him.

"Daddy, it's mine!"

"Give me back my letter!" roared Tails, wearing black robes and holding a wand.

"Now, now, Dudley, Harry," Knuckles chided, sporting a large mustache and seizing the letter. As he read it, his face changed from blue to purple to colors nobody had heard of. He threw Sonic and Tails out of the room and slammed the door, talking to Shadow.

"But Vernon, he has a right to know!" wailed Shadow.

"We swore we'd stamp it out of him, Petunia!" blustered Knuckles. "We won't tolerate his funny business any longer! We'll send him to St. Brutus' Center For Incurably Criminal Boys, not this magic hogwash!"

"It's Hogwarts, not hogwash!" screamed Tails, barging into the room. "Give me back my letter!" Suddenly tens of thousands of letters came streaming in through the fireplace. Knuckles hurriedly ran over to it and lit a fire, incinerating the falling letters, but by then Tails had grabbed one and read it.

"It says the story's going to end!" Tails said fearfully.

"What? Really? Let me see!" argued Knuckles, snatching it back.

"Can we _not _do another Linkin Park cover?" Shadow said snidely.

"So now what?" Sonic asked. "What do we do?"

"We could say good bye and then go watch TV or something," Knuckles suggested.

"Um… all right," said Tails. He climbed on top of the sofa and spoke. "Ladies and gentlemen, one and all, thank you for seeing us through to the end of-"

"Anyway," announced Shadow, shoving Tails off the sofa and standing in his place. "Yo. Thanks for reading the story, you were great, but the author's tired of it, so… maybe another story, eh? Bye."

"Goodbye!" everybody who had ever been in the story said, from the fan characters, to the main characters, to the cameos, to the celebrities, to Headwater Daddy, and finally Eggman.

"All right, that's a wrap," said Mecha Scorpion, sitting in the director's chair as the camera crew packed up. "Now all we gotta do is edit it all into a presentable form and it's Oscar town for us, boys!"

"I can see it now," said Shadow dreamily. "And Best Everything goes to me!"

"No, me!" argued Knuckles.

"Me!"

"Me!"

"ME!" chorused everybody who had been in the story. A giant fight ensued, and Mecha left the room, turning the lights off as he went.

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**VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!**

BEST ACTOR

Sonic the Hedgehog

Tails the Fox

Knuckles the Echidna

Shadow the Hedgehog

Eggman the Human

BEST ACTRESS

Amy the Hedgehog

Cream the Rabbit

Rouge the Bat

Tikal the Echidna

Sonic's Mother

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR(S)

Team Chaotix

Mecha Scorpion

Headwater Daddy

Metal Sonic

The Babylon Rogues

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESSES

Um… ain't too many…

BEST CHAPTER

(Choose from any of them!)

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Goodbye, everybody! Review, and don't forget to vote!


	92. Headwater Daddy's Fic Here!

Sonic Insanity

UPDATE: Headwater Daddy's story, The French Man With A Russian Accent, is now up on his profile! Read it and give him a review for my sake! Here's the /1/TheFrenchManWithARussianAccent

Put that in without the spaces and enjoy a chapter of randomness! Enjoy it, guys!

This is seriously the last chapter, people! These are just the voting results I received! Review, and have a good one!

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BEST ACTOR

"And the runner-up is… Shadow the Hedgehog!"

Shadow sidled up to the stage, giving the unappreciated Sonic a wide grin. Sonic tried not to break the table in half.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he began, grinning widely. "Allow me to say what an _honor _it is to be here, what a _pleasure, _what a-"

"Next."

"What do you mean, _next?" _raged Shadow. "There were no other runners-up!"

"How would you know?" said Mecha, who was co-commentating the award ceremonies along with Headwater Daddy. "Did you witness the voting ballots?"

"_I _certainly didn't show them to him," Headwater Daddy muttered, eying a box of dead trout longingly.

"Er, uh…" gibbered Shadow frantically.

"And the winner is…" Mecha stopped to pick something from between his teeth. Headwater Daddy suddenly grew very focused and intense, staring directly at Mecha. Mecha pulled out a crumb from between his teeth, and Headwater Daddy slumped in his seat, disappointed that it was not a cat.

"The winner," continued Mecha, "is-"

"I WAS THE WINNER!" screamed Eggman, blotchy and mottled in the face.

"Eggman, you received 1 vote," reported Metal Sonic, smirking.

"Lies!" the fat man yelled. "There's no reason I shouldn't be victorious!"

"Stay away from my sister!" Headwater Daddy informed them, jumping onto the table and putting on a pair of shades. Somehow he thought they made him look cool. Instead he looked horrifying. There was something about the sight of Headwater Daddy looking confident and in control that was chilling to any sane being.

"I'll find it," he muttered, searching through the plates and food on the table, "I will! There's no way it can escape! Not even the fabled Spelunking Tweezers of Fence-Hopper McGee could evade my," he paused for effect, glaring over the tops of his shades, "_poisson de la votre sculpteur du fromage."_

"What did he say?" they all asked Mecha Scorpion, the sole French speaker. He shook his head, petrified and unwilling to give the answer. Headwater Daddy gave a great roar of happiness as he found what he was looking for.

"The winner for Best Actor is…" He smirked and pulled a very familiar figure from under a plate. "Tails!"

"TAILS? Why were you hiding there?" they all chorused, astonished.

"He kidnapped me!" growled Tails, pointing at Headwater Daddy.

"_Me?" _he queried, trying to look innocent while cackling hysterically. "What would I want with a little fox boy?"

Everybody shivered at the thought of what he might want, before returning to the Best Actor category.

"Anyway, Tails won, so…" said Knuckles, clearly trying to change the subject. Tails humphed and sat down.

"Best actress runner-up goes to Sonic's mother!" crowed Mecha, clearly overjoyed at Sonic's second look of rage. Sonic's mother, a very shabbily dressed tart of a woman, lounged forward and leaned in to give Mecha a kiss. Somehow, Headwater Daddy managed to slip in between them at the last second, intercepting the kiss. Mecha was furious.

"Thanksh, boysh," she slurred, drinking from a bottle of tequila. Shadow was by now laughing so hard that he was curled up in a puddle of tears, silently howling with mirth. "I gotta shay, orfully odd crowd tonight, eh? Not a one of 'em's fondled me breasts yet!"

Shadow's eyes bulged and he appeared to be in actual pain from laughing so hard. Sonic, to contrast this, was madder than he had ever been. He bounded over to his mother'

"This ain't the real woman!" he declared, exposing the zipper running through her skin and yanking on. "She's just a cover up for… WHAT?"

Out of the extremely realistic Sonic's mother body suit stepped another, identical, Sonic's mother. The room burst into laughter as she lurched forward to receive her award.

"It wash getting orfully hot in there!" she declared, fanning herself. "Matter a fact, I'm shtill kinda warm… who wants to see me take off my clothes?"

"YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" grunted Headwater Daddy, on all fours on top of the table.

"Eh, maybe later," muttered Mecha, eying the misshapen, surgically enhanced protuberances on her chest, and she thankfully disappeared. Sonic kicked Shadow, who was now bleeding from his senseless cackling.

"And the _real _winner for Best Actress goes to… Rouge!" called Headwater Daddy. "This foxy lady is-"

"Who said something about a foxy lady?" inquired Tails, a bit too eagerly. Headwater Daddy sneezed chillingly at him and he waltzed away.

"It's Rouge!" encouraged Mecha, and the blushing bat stepped forward, wearing revealing evening attire. She stood up at the podium, kissing Mecha on both cheeks and allowing Headwater Daddy to engulf her in a deluge of barnacles that he had dredged from his pockets.

"Thanks for voting me, guys," she began hesitantly, swamped by seafood. Headwater Daddy snickered but said nothing. "I know my main claim to fame was cheating on my man, and being hot, but I'm not a whore, I promise!"

"Why don't you prove it by taking your clothes off?" suggested Tails. Headwater Daddy sneezed chillingly again, and Knuckles glowered. Rouge laughed sexily and continued.

"So, uh, all right, thanks for your support, people, I really appreciate it!" She sat down next to Eggman, who gave her a surprisingly kind and not particularly blubbery hug. She used his ample shirtfront to scrub the stench of barnacles from herself and before long was as clean as a Mormon rap group's lyrics.

"Now for best supporting actor," Mecha muttered, casting Headwater Daddy a loathsome look. "Apparently only two people voted for me… the rest shall be blasted into oblivion…" He cast threatening looks all around, even though none of the voters were present. "Anyway, so the runner-up was-"

"OH BABY! _OH, BABY!" _shrieked Headwater Daddy, building a card castle out of Lego blocks. Yes, he actually made cards out of Lego blocks and made a card castle out of them instead of making a Lego castle.

"Headwater Daddy," grimaced Mecha angrily, and the horrendous, random, insane young man that appeared in that fateful chapter in court rocketed to the front of the room, addressing everybody.

"Four score and seven beers ago," he recalled blissfully, "I was not very drunk. Oh hell with it, I was drunk. I had already drunk twelve before that. It's not my fault! I wanted to see what would happen when you reenacted the song 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall!" Quicker than anybody thought possible, he pulled a drum kit out of his pocket and played the little "pa-dum-chhhhh" noise. Nobody laughed, especially since he started playing a beat and making odd nonsense noises over it for several more seconds.

"Anyway," he continued, taking out a knife and fork and cutting the snare drum into bite-sized pieces, "I just want to thank you all for making me your lip-smacking favorite. And now, for a little something I prepared." He pulled a guitar out of the drum he had just cut apart and began playing the 20th Century Fox music while drumming somehow.

"Dum-dum, dum-dum, duuuuuuuum-dum-dum!" he began. "Da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-daaaaa-daaaaaaaaaaa-" He continued playing this abominable rendition somehow, until on the last long horn fanfare, he opened the hi-hat, revealing a quivering cat inside, which he skewered on one of the drumsticks and began roasting over an open flame that had appeared when he set the bass drum on fire. All this was accompanied by a treacherous leer as a bowling pin slowly emerged out of one of his ears and fell to the floor beside him.

Rouge was angry. Cream was annoyed. Amy was irritated. Tikal was hot under the collar. Sonic's mother was pissed off. Eggman was mad. Shadow was frenzied. Team Chaotix was irate. The Babylon Rogues were fuming. Metal Sonic was incensed. Tails was berserk. Sonic was livid. Shadow was beside himself. Everybody all around was enraged, infuriated, exasperated, up in arms- in short, very, very upset. But the worst of it all was Mecha Scorpion. The sheer multitude of random events that had occurred, combined with the fact that he had not received more than two votes, and finally topped off by Headwater Daddy's voracious, taunting smirk, had driven him over the edge. He was _furious._

"**A**_**a**__a_aa_aa__**a**_**aa**a_aa_aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he hollered, thrashing his fists, and dove at Headwater Daddy, causing a huge fight on top of the drum kit.

After some SWAT team intervention, Headwater Daddy and Mecha were seated on opposite sides of the room, and the award ceremony commenced.

"The winner for Best Supporting Actor," Mecha said, sounding simultaneously relieved that it wasn't Headwater Daddy and angry that it wasn't himself, "is Metal Sonic!"

"Supporting Actor? I was the star of the show! I should have received Best Actor! Go to hell!"

"Sigh…"

"_CEASE FIRE!" _screamed Headwater Daddy. Everybody looked around to see what he was talking about it. He smirked and pointed at the flaming bass drum by his foot, which had gone out at his command. As Mecha tried very hard not to burst into flames himself at such randomness, Headwater Daddy indicated the whole room and chuckled, "Carry on."

"Um… you're commentating," said Tikal.

"Oh yes, of course, my dear," Headwater Daddy chortled, gesticulating with merriment. "Best Supporting Actress… it appears that the winner's Muffin!" he yelled triumphantly, pulling a frightened-looking calico cat out of his shoe and placing her on the table. "My cat's done it again, baby!"

"Steady there!" called Wave. "Did she receive more votes than the other contestants?"

A seizure passed over Headwater's face, but he responded as calmly as possible, "I wouldn't not be guarding myself from suggestions that I wasn't distorting what isn't the truth if I didn't claim it wouldn't be incorrect if I was not to retract the suggestion that it wouldn't be a falsehood to not say it wouldn't be untrue to not claim that my cat didn't not receive less votes than none of the other contestants didn't not receive."

"Er… right," Sonic muttered uncertainly. "I'm going to assume that means no, so in that case, you lose. The real winner is… _pie!"_

Amidst applause and (on Headwater Daddy's part) furious gnashing of teeth and cat strangling, a heaping slice of pie ambled peaceably to the front of the room.

"Thank you, one and all," it began, before Amy ate it.

"Finally… the moment you've all been waiting for," presided Mecha, clearly overjoyed that Headwater had finally suffered a small defeat. "The best chapter of more than a year and a half of near-constant chapter production! I'm willing to admit that I put more effort into some chapters than others, and I think some chapters are funnier than others, but… um… there should probably be some theme of integrity and artistry that applies to all the chapters, but there isn't."

"The author has no integrity. Who could have possibly-" began Eggman sarcastically, before his mustache turned into a pair of moose antlers.

Mecha looked confused for a moment, shared a brief, serious glance with Headwater Daddy for a moment, but went on. "Also, I couldn't count my own votes on this one, nor those of Headwater Daddy. While my personal favorite remains Chapter 30, The Unusual Suspects, and it would have won had I included my vote, I couldn't consider it a fair competition that way. Also, Headwater Daddy had to be discounted."

"Why?"

"Criminals are pardoned due to insanity, but I doubt they're eligible to vote afterwards," Mecha reasoned, and all agreed after witnessing Headwater Daddy precariously try to use a toaster as a card shuffler and happily butter the singed results. "So his vote for Chapter 89 would have made that chapter win, but it had to go. So in the end, the only chapter that really received more than one vote is…"

A hushed silence filled the room, except for the people who had actually read through the reviews.

"Chapter 17, Some Other Characters!" Mecha called, and a small stack of paper waddled up to the front.

"Thanks, everybody," it called out to those assembled. "I think the reason I was most enjoyed was because I gave everybody a break from the same old boring stuff about Sonic, and Tails, and- pfft- _Knuckles- _please- and Shadow? Seriously! I mean, when you-"

A flaming arrow hit the sheet of paper, and it fell to the ground, twitching and screaming. All congratulated Tails on his good aim and intervention. Except for Team Chaotix, who had been in that chapter.

"Now for the real last category," said Headwater Daddy haughtily, "Best Author."

"What? Mecha was the only one!" cried Vector, distressed.

"No, there was that other one. You know, by what's his face," Espio informed him.

"Oh yeah, that guy, whoever he was," everybody chorused.

"Aren't you forgetting somebody?" Mecha asked. "Somebody who had no direct hand in writing the story, but was a great influence, a hilarious character and a good friend? Somebody whose sense of humor inspired the revival of this story? Somebody who, through it all, has always tolerated my jokes about him and made funnier ones about me? A great person?"

"Me?" asked Sonic's mother innocently, swigging from her tequila.

"No," said Mecha, and shot her in the face. "I mean Headwater Daddy. I don't know if he'll ever get a profile on but he's written dozens of chapters of his own Sonic the Hedgehog stories, as well as many unfinished stories with me, and I think we can call him an author at this point. Cheers, HD. May you receive many reviews, should you join the site."

Everybody uneasily toasted him, not knowing him very well. Headwater Daddy bobbed his head and threw confetti in the air. Suddenly everybody realized what he had been doing with the cat and that paper shredder.

"Thanks, man," he said, making it sound like a threat. "My writing style's pretty random, but not quite as random as my characters. So if I get an account here, Mecha will update this story with a link to my profile, and you can read my stories. I think you'll like them!"

"If he gets a profile," Mecha reminded. "But whatever. Anyway, you were all great."

"Aw, thanks, Me-"

"Not you," he said to the characters. "I mean all the reviewers and readers. Thanks, and hope to see you again! You can always PM me if you want to talk, even if it's just about the glory days of this fanfic or your own ideas for one. Bye, see ya later!"

"Yee ha!" added Headwater Daddy, shaving using a sponge.

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READ REVIEW

**RECYCLE**


	93. 2nd Anniversary!

Sonic Insanity

This being the two-year anniversary of my beloved fanfic, I will grace you with the splendiferous beginning of another fic I have in the works…

Sonic Bankruptcy

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The phone rang, shaking off a thin layer of dust as it vibrated. The sound of the buzzing echoed dolefully throughout Knuckles' apartment. The echidna himself was standing by the window, yelling one-sided conversations at the walls, trying to make his neighbors think that he had a life and was on the phone.

"That party last night sure was something, huh?" Knuckles hollered at the wall, tragically unaware that his neighbors were out shopping and were therefore missing this performance. "I definitely danced and talked to girls and did things that would lead anybody happening to listen in on this that I'm a real social kinda guy who wants to have friends!" Knuckles' face contorted into misery. "All I ever wanted was to have a friend! It was the only thing I ever needed… nobody listened to me, nobody wanted me, my whole li-" The phone cut him off mid-wail. He glared at the phone then continued to cry crocodile tears in the hopes that somebody might buy him a pizza. "Anybody… if anybody had ever been around to-"

His own voice slid through the room.

"Hey, you've got the Knux… leave a message before the beep and I'll get right back to you!" There was a long twenty-second silence, and Knuckles snickered, remembering times when Sonic had rushed to leave messages, trying to get the whole thing out before the dreaded beep.

Finally the beep sounded, and a thin voice cut through his anguish. "Knuckles, this is Sega's Director Of Character Management, Itoshi Wasabitsu. We've been trying to-"

"_Sega?" _Knuckles muttered incredulously, not moving, staring at the phone as Wasabitsu went on.

"Anyway, we'd like it if you could come by your local Sega division. As I recall, you still live at 293 Avalon Drive, Terracotta City. Please call us back to arrange transportation to and-"

Knuckles swore and looked for a pen and paper before realizing he could just pick up the phone. This was the chance of a lifetime! His chance of making a comeback from the ignominious life he now led! He seized the phone and pressed the green button.

"Hey, just walked in," he said in as casual a voice as he could muster, opening the hall door for effect. "What was it you wanted?"

"Ah, Knuckles," came the crisp voice of the Director. "I was hoping to speak with you. Do you think we could carry on this conversation at the Sega offices near you?"

"Um… sure, but what's this about?" Knuckles asked, trying to disguise the anticipation building up in him, like the pile of dirt he had just dug out of his own grave.

"I'd prefer to meet face-to-face," said Wasabitsu. "We can arrange for somebody to pick you up in half an hour. Would that be reasonable?"

"Um… sure, I have nothing planned," Knuckles said nervously. "Cause, you know, I'm usually very busy with all sorts of engagements and prearranged plans that keep me from doing stuff like this… but… er…"

There was a skeptical silence, then Watsabitsu's voice lanced back over the phone. "All right, Knuckles. We'll pick you up in half an hour, is that fine?"

"It's fine! Couldn't be better!" yelped Knuckles, overjoyed by his good fortune. Dropping the phone, he sprinted into the shower and spruced up, chanting and shaking the whole time from glee.

"Finally, some excitement!" he crowed, toweling his whole body dry except for his dreadlocks, which he ironed while they were still wet to achieve a steamed effect. "This could be a real breakthrough! I wonder if he invited anyone else?" Filled with these jubilant thoughts, he was soon at his most debonair and charming. He had just finished brushing his teeth when the intercom buzzed.

"Who is it?" he asked, putting the gravelly edge into his voice that the ladies went gaga for before realizing that it would probably sound aggressive to anybody else.

"Your ride is here, sir," came the reply, and Knuckles did one last joyful pirouette before leaping down the stairs two at a time. Bursting out the front door, he saw the ride: a limo longer than most school busses, idling outside his door at three different parking meters simultaneously. The chauffeur, a slender Japanese man, gave Knuckles a smile that was just as thin as he was and then shoved him into the car bodily. It was then that Knuckles saw that the real chauffeur was sitting in the driver's seat. The pushy fellow outside must be some kind of guard. To protect Knuckles, or… a terrible thought lurched into his head… to keep him from getting out?

Before the red echidna could take decisive action, however, the doors slammed shut and they sped off. A layer of glass shot up between the front seat and the many back ones. As Knuckles turned to examine his surroundings from his crumpled position on the thick, burgundy-shag-carpeted floor, he realized he was not alone.

The limo's numerous benches, couches, seats and cushions were crammed with old Sega characters. Various robots that he vaguely recalled pummeling in games long past filled the air with their monotonous droning and humming. Furries, birds and reptiles sat by themselves or in small groups, talking quietly. As far as he could tell, none were as famous as he was. None, it seemed, except for a solitary bat idly examining her claws in the plush velvet seat toward the back of the limousine.

A nearby quartet of robots that had been indolently lounging began a stirring string accompaniment to the scene. Knuckles barely noticed the ill-considered, bouncy, uplifting pop tune that the viola was cranking out in utter contrast to any other noise the violins or cello were producing. To think that here, finally, in this very car, but for a variety of unimportant and conveniently deaf extras, he was alone with the only girl he had ever had true romantic feelings for… his heart seemed to flutter weakly in his chest.

"Rouge," he growled, putting on a masculine baritone as he sidled up to her. "You look the same as always." _Beautiful, _he silently added, yearning for her beautiful voice to slide over him, shedding its skin like a snake and leaving him with the paper-thin husk, a memory of those gilded tones…

"Knuckles?" she asked, not turning around, and he allowed his gaze to wander over her sumptuous hips and the tantalizing triangle of back that her dress afforded. "So they've gotten in touch with you too, huh?"

"I guess so," the echidna said as smoothly as he could, taking a seat close by. She sat with a seat between them, and he prayed that the limo would run over some sort of incendiary manhole cover that would kill everybody else in the limo and throw her into his lap somehow… or that he might gallantly save her and in the blind, soaring passion of her gratitude she might-

"Did they tell you what they wanted us for?" she inquired, crossing her legs in a comfortable way with the added benefit of revealing a dangerous expanse of thigh. She seemed entirely unconscious of the way her skirt rasped over the pale white fur… God, he could have ripped it off with his teeth…

_She's just a pretty girl, just a girl! _he attempted, in vain, to assure himself. "No, not exactly… it seems like there's a lot of minor Sega characters here, though. Are they rounding us all up?"

"I believe so," Rouge said thoughtfully, showing a pointed fang as her lips moved and Knuckles dreamed woozily. "There's gonna be a lot more… they've been finding everybody. All the robots and minor characters are really excited, this is the first work they've had in years."

Knuckles longed to hear her say that she too had been jobless. Then he could be sure that she would not laugh when he wept into her bosom, wept that he had waited so long for some contact from anybody at his old job, waited and prayed that somehow, the debacle of the 3D games could be salvaged. But she was silent, anticipating his response with a daintily raised eyebrow.

"Yeah," he said lamely. "But why would they need everybody? Why do they need everybody for whatever this is?"

"I have no idea, but it's certainly going to be big," she said, and then glanced eagerly out of the tinted window as the limo came to a halt and an indistinct figure moved outside.

Knuckles unenthusiastically broke off conversation with her and tried to make out the person on the other side of the tinted glass. His curiosity grew gradually, nearly eclipsing his infatuation with Rouge. Who was that strange, hedgehog-like person who kept fingering a strange jewel in his hand? He could have sworn he'd seen those rocket boots somewhere before… and now that he thought of it, the imperious voice promising the baggage handler certain death if he didn't work faster seemed very familiar. It was almost suspicious… _shady, _one might say…

"I just can't help but think that I've seen that guy somewhere before," muttered the echidna, racking his brains furiously. Rouge gave him a deeply pitying look before turning eagerly to the door.

"It seems like I should know his name… if I do, it's lost in the shadowy past," continued Knuckles, utterly oblivious. "Just like that hedgehog fella that got his own solo game without Sonic! Remember, Rouge? The one with black fur? Whose dark past was slowly unfolding before him and who had to make the choice between good and evil in a cosmic war? You know," Knuckles asked, rubbing his chin, "somehow I get the feeling that that was some kind of fore_shadowing." _

Rouge ground her fangs. "You hit the nail right on the head, as always."

Knuckles' heart swelled like a balloon at the compliment. The sarcasm in her voice was more lost on him than subtle comedy on a Will Ferrell fan. "Why, thank you-"

The door flew open and in stepped…

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Cliffhanger! How will this story resolve? Will it? I don't know if I'll ever finish that. Regardless, keep reading and reviewing.


	94. The Revival?

Sonic Insanity

Hi, guys! Some brief updates:

First of all, one of my fans Alexander Pyro will soon commence the construction of a Sonic Insanity web comic. I hope to collaborate with him to whatever degree I can. Keep your eyes peeled for announcements on that. I hope you show him as much support as you've shown me, because adapting even part of this leviathan of a fic will be some work.

I have no current plans for a Sonic Insanity 2, but you can expect at least one update of this fic before the end of the year, not counting this one. Alexander's project has inspired me a little.

I'm doing the NaNoWriMo this year ( as well as my typical school workload, so I may not have lots of time, but I'll try to write another chapter soon. I guess that basically just goes along with B. Never mind.

The content of the last chapter will not be expanded on. I basically just posted that in lieu of anything else to say. HOWEVER! More traditional Sonic Insanity will be coming up in any subsequent chapters.

And now for a little something to tide you over!

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Shadow was sitting at the computer, writing an article to submit to his favorite publication, Sonic Is A Prison Bitch. "For decades historians, archaeologists and cool people have wondered what the truth is behind Sonic's loserdom. Was his father a hacky-sack or a lobster? Was his mother a landmine or a stork? Is his brain really thirty percent crayon wax? The debates have raged since the beginning of time. Using a keenly analytical critical lens and a genius penchant for tearing Sonic a new one, this investigative reporter delves deep into the psyche of America's least wanted." He flexed his fingers and smiled. "Wow, this investigatory journalism is really something! Time to submit it to the editor and see if I can get an advance on the rest! Oh wait… _I'm_the editor, publisher, writer and distributor of Sonic Is A Prison Bitch magazine!" He cackled joyously. "I will have to hire an artist for the new comic strip, though," he mused. "I wonder if there are any applicants for the position?"

He glanced around the "office" as if expecting to see a line of applicants. "Nobody? I guess I'll have to be it!" Smiling broadly, he began a comical illustration of Sonic trying to go out on a date with the Statue of Liberty.

"SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

The scream of murderous anguish resounded throughout the house, shaking the walls until it crashed against Shadow's closed door. Grinning broadly, Shadow put the computer to sleep and said in his most sickly-sweet voice, "_Oh yeeeeeeeees?"_

"Get _DOWN _here!"

Which of his schemes had managed to send Sonic into frenzy this time? Replacing his bedroom door with a slab of frozen clam chowder? The gunpowder in the gasoline tank, perhaps? Or had it been tunneling a 30-foot shaft under the entrance to Sonic's room? Shadow chortled happily to himself as he flounced down the stairs into the kitchen.

Sonic was lividly beside himself. "I DEMAND TO KNOW THE MEANING OF THIS!"

"Of what?" Shadow inquired in an innocent tone, which was given less credibility by the fact that he was on the floor laughing hysterically.

Sonic indicated the newspaper with a shaking hand. Shadow got off the ground, picked it up, examined it and laughed even harder.

**The Benedict Arnold Fan Club is having its 100****th**** annual meeting! Join us at Sonic's house for a fun evening of double-crossing shenanigans. Key motivational speaker Sonic the Hedgehog will be attending to tell you how you can betray everybody you know. Turncoats and traitors wanted! Bring all your backstabbing friends to this gala event!**

"I was in no way responsible," objected Shadow while shrieking with laughter.

"And what about THIS!" roared Sonic, indicating the singles section.

"What?"

Single blue hedgehog male looking for married blue hedgehog female, preferably his own mother, for a night of staring in opposite directions punctuated by sessions of intense "snogging." Must be willing to dress up like Nikita Khrushchev and role-play as a Whack-A-Mole machine. Big noses a must!

"I've had enough of this!" screeched Sonic. "This kind of insubordination is hurting my reputation about town!"

"You're one to talk about insubordination… Benedict Arnold…"

Sonic grabbed Shadow by the ankles and swung him into the wall with bone-crushing force. Shadow, laughing and sobbing in equal measure, emerged from the debris with numerous injuries, giggling like a little girl.

Meanwhile, Knuckles was busy downloading as many illegal movies, songs and drugs onto Sonic's computer as he could. "Ah, the sweet scent of e-crack! I see Lime Wire's slacking again! They haven't put up the last 48 Saw sequels!" His iPod beeped as Avenged Sevenfold's new album finished downloading. "Ah, my favorite rap group's CD, all mine to listen to!"

"Um, I wouldn't classify Avenged Sevenfold as rap," said Tails, walking in with spiky dyed hair, guy-liner and big leather boots. It was pathetically obvious that he wanted to get attention. Knuckles did a double take before completely ignoring this fashion catastrophe.

"What do you mean, ay-seven-x isn't rap?" blustered Knuckles. "Their vocalist either screams or sings, their music isn't sampled, they use real drums, and they don't sing about personal material gain! They're as rap as it gets!"

"Notice anything _different _about me?" hissed Tails through gritted teeth.

"You'd like me to, wouldn't you?" Knuckles blared, jumping out of his seat. He was shaking with rage and disgust, for no particular reason. "You wish that I had died- and that Boromir had lived!"

"Um… anyway," said Tails, looking queasy, "you know, actually, there isn't anything different about me after all."

"EXACTLY! You're all the same!" shrieked Knuckles as Tails fled. "You're all identical, you conformists! You know who else conforms to the system? COMMUNIIIIIIIIIIIIIISTS!" he howled at the ceiling, which caved in on top of him with a tremendous crash of plaster and rubble.

"This house is falling apart!" Sonic bellowed from downstairs. "First I intentionally throw a heavy object as hard into a wall as I can, and then the ceiling collapses! You can't trust modern architecture! Where's that damn echidna? KNUCKLES! KNUUUUUUUUUCKLES!"

"Strong ceilings are for Communists!" sneered Knuckles from his dirt-encrusted prison, buried underneath several tons of roofing material. "They build their ceilings as tough as they can so that Big Brother can't push them down and make them all equal! Here in America we don't care about equality! Only the strong survive here!"

"Knuckles," said an equally dust-showered Shadow, staggering up the stairs, "how can you possibly call being buried by a collapsing ceiling 'surviving?'"

"What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger!" roared Knuckles. "I am a man! I'm better than that faking hedgehog Sonic at any rate, anyway!"

"_At any rate, anyway? _That didn't make any sense, anyway," objected Shadow.

"At any rate shut up anyway!" howled Knuckles, bursting free of the collapsed ceiling and shaking his tarnished gloves at the exposed stars. "I will prove myself in battle! Since the dawn of time, those stars have tried to appear _lordly… _shining their light with such careful indifference! _I _alone have seen through their pretense and their… their charlatanarianism! I will expose them for the weak and huddled dogs that they are!"

"Knuckles, one can hardly accuse a star of charlatanarianism," said Shadow before realizing whom he was talking to.

"KNUCKLES!" With an earth-shattering crash, Sonic ran into the room and promptly fell through the floor, which crumbled to rubble underneath his flailing feet and sent him hurtling downstairs. With a growl of rage, he stormed back up the stairs and into the room. He stopped just on the precipice of the hole in the floor, stared down at it, and looked to the other side.

Shadow looked at him. Knuckles stared, confused.

Sonic grinned, his eyebrows wiggling. Very deliberately, he extended one foot over the gap, pulling it back just before he overbalanced. He took a few steps back, clearly preparing to jump the gap with a running start.

Shadow blinked.

Sonic smirked.

Knuckles looked confused.

Sonic sped forward toward the hole, ran straight off the edge and fell through the hole without a sound.

Meanwhile, Tails was outside, underneath the smallest rain cloud in existence, which he had invented solely to rain on him whenever it would look more dramatic. His eyeliner streaked and blurred, giving him a forlorn appearance. He intentionally sat down right next to a puddle, just so a car would drive through it and get him wet. No car came. He waited and waited and waited, but there were no cars coming.

He got up, ran through the puddle, and sat down as fast as he could. He completely missed the water.

"I don't get it," he said aloud. "I've done everything I can do. Why won't a car drive through this puddle?"

"Maybe," said a man standing nearby, "because the puddle is on top of the EIFFEL TOWER?"

Tails looked around. The man was quite right.

"Who are you?" he asked the man, who walked with a strange limp.

"There's no time," said the man in a Russian accent. "You must escape. I… will be left behind. There is no choice. Go, and save yourselves. You are young; you still have a life to live, no? I must perish. Somebody must remain to set off the cheesecake bomb. Nobody must escape the field of detonation. None will. Run before it is too late."

Without the slightest regret, Tails threw himself over the edge of the Eiffel Tower and flew away. The man, who of course was the French Man with the Russian Accent, smirked slyly and chomped down on a baguette.

"Imbecile," he thought, as the cheesecake bomb exploded and destroyed him.

Meanwhile again at any rate, Sonic, Shadow and Knuckles were having a very important and meaningful discussion that might determine the fate of their friendship forever. But you wouldn't want to hear about that. Meanwhile again anyway somewhere else, Eggman was scheming again.

"It has to work this time," he muttered under his rancid breath. "It has to. The best offense is a good defense, or something like that. So what if my last forty-eight plans went up in smoke?"

"And one of them in polyester," remarked Metal Sonic, who was chain smoking a stack of printer paper.

Eggman delivered a furious glance to the insolent mechanical hedgehog before continuing. "As I was saying at any rate, my latest plan has the brilliance of simplicity, and the simplicity of brilliance."

"Do you know that they used to call stupid people 'simple?'" asked Metal Sonic.

Eggman ground his teeth. "This plan is ingenious! All I have to do… is not attack at all!"

"What do you mean?" asked Metal Sonic, confused.

"Eventually," smiled Eggman cunningly, "if left to their own plot devices, Sonic and his rainbow of animal friends will do something stupid and kill themselves, leaving me free to oppose them."

"How will you oppose them if they're dead?"

"In that case," remedied Eggman hastily, "it will leave me free to take over the world."

"So what stupid things are they probably doing now?" asked Metal Sonic.

Eggman thought about it. "I don't know, but they'll probably demolish the house any day now. Without me as their common enemy, they'll turn on each other. If anybody survives, I can easily conquer them by themselves."

"Brilliant plan," said Metal Sonic sarcastically, even though he secretly agreed with himself.

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How'd you like that???????????????? Review?????? Read Headwater Daddy's story!


	95. SONIC IS IN SUPER SMASH BROS LOL

Sonic Insanity

This will probably be the last chapter of 2007, but keep on the lookout for new updates! I ain't finished yet!

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WEDNESDAY, OCT 10th, 2007… a day that will live in infamy…

All was well in the Sonic household. Shadow was sleeping in, Knuckles was in his room listening to Lil Beezy Dub Money Boy or some such equally ludicrous "artist," Tails was in his garage making adjustments to an invention nobody would ever care about, and Sonic was on the computer, checking his e-mail. As usual, there were no messages in the in-box. This may have been because Sonic's spam filter was set to block all e-mails with any of the letters between A and Z in the subject line or body of the e-mail. He sighed with deep content, convinced that he was too popular to receive e-mails anyway, and began his usual activity of making Google searches for his name and seeing what showed up.

_On this particular day… Sonic would be in for the web search of his life!  
_

_As soon as the new screen loaded, Sonic was hit by it. Link after link glared at him, all giving him the same dire message. No matter where he looked, every inch of the white space was filled with the same concept. Even the ads were flashing the horrible words into his face. The idea, as summed up by the least eloquent message on the screen (which was saying something), was this:_

_OMG sonics n supper samsh bros brall!_

"_WE'LL SEE ABOUT THIS!" roared Sonic, lunging out of his seat and stomping out the front door. In his bedroom, Knuckles grinned and ratcheted up "Big Boyz Don't Cry (Lil Beezy Dub Money Boy Remix)" to its maximum possible volume, unaware of the chaos that had just been unleashed…_

"What do you mean, _under contract?_" snarled Sonic. "My contract lets me decide what games I'm in! You can't just throw me out like bait to the fanboys who bought the Wii just for Sonic and the Secret Rings! You can't sell me like a whore to Nintendo! I'm not doing it! I was never consulted!"

"Sonic," said Mr. Naka, head of Sega, seated comfortably behind his desk. "Sonic, Sonic, Sonic, look at the facts! Our company's practically bankrupt! We've had to make concession after concession to Nintendo! We stopped making game systems. Then we put you on the GameCube, and on the Wii. We've got to cooperate with them or else they'll buy us out, or worse- drive us out of business! Take a look at this!"

Sonic fumed in silence, his blue complexion turning redder by the second, as Mr. Naka clicked a remote. Suddenly a Power Point presentation… well… presented itself on the blank white wall. It showed a long line graph that was steadily decreasing.

"These are company earnings since 2003," explained Mr. Naka. "They've been going down constantly! At this rate, we'll have to make Super Monkey Ball our primary franchise, and then we'll be out of business in three years tops! I mean, when the entire concept for a series is based on Samus' Morph Ball combined with Mario Party-style infantile mini-gaming, you're sunk!"

He clicked the remote again. This time a new line graph appeared, one that was going up.

"This is a hypothesis of how our company will do once we've teamed up with Nintendo," explained Mr. Naka. "Your presence in Super Smash Bros. Brawl has generated massive interest. We get 5 percent of the revenue for each game sold, as well as our fee for licensing you! It'll revive interest in your 3D career, and then we can squeeze 3 or 4 more games out of you before we stick solely to 2D and work with Nintendo for all our projects!"

"That reminds me!" growled Sonic angrily. "What about Mario and Sonic at the Olympics, eh? You thought you'd slip that one past me?"

"We're planning a line of Nintendo and Sega characters at all major internationally relevant events," bragged Mr. Naka. "Take a look at these!"

The next slide was an Excel spreadsheet disclaiming the following:

Tails and Luigi at the Special Olympics 

Knuckles and Wario at the United Nations

Shadow and Waluigi at the NATO Peace Talks

Silver and Bowser at the Destruction of the Berlin Wall

Amy and Peach at Hiroshima and Nagasaki

Rouge and Daisy at the World Fair

Eggman and Yoshi at the Boston Tea Party

Metal Sonic and Toad at the Colonization of North America

Cream and Baby Bowser at the Attack on Pearl Harbor

Team Chaotix and a Goomba, a Paratroopa and a Lakitu at the Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

"These are ridiculous!" argued Sonic. "Nobody's going to buy these increasingly unimportant games! You need to stick with your guns and release a classic recapturing of my old glory days!"

"We did that with Sonic the Hedgehog," said Mr. Naka.

"In that case, you need to make the game more appealing for an older audience! You know, some edgy gameplay, maybe some swearing…"

"Shadow the Hedgehog."

"Some light, easy gameplay that's oriented for children?" said Sonic weakly.

"Amy the Hedgehog."

"WHAT?"

"Just kidding."

"Oh, good, you had me startled…"

"Sonic Riders."

"FINE! FINE! FINE! You know what? FINE!" Sonic screamed.

Sonic P. Ledgefrog, that is, who was listing the reasons he was appearing in court that day. Meanwhile, Sonic T. Hedgehog was not fine with the situation.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?" he raged, quills standing on the end and singeing. "I've just about had enough of this mistreatment! I hereby declare my contract null and void! I'm a free agent now!"

"Ah-ah-ah!" grinned Mr. Naka, pulling out a massive scroll of parchment labeled **The Contract** in old Gothic font. "You might recall a certain dark and stormy night many years ago when you first laid pen to this paper… remember what you signed it in?"

Sonic's guts pickled with horror as Mr. Naka indicated the signature, which was very red and bloody.

"If you break this contract, you die!" cackled Mr. Naka. "You're Sega's forever!"

"Actually, having my blood on that paper doesn't mean anything," said Sonic. "Unless you believe in occult sorcery or some such warlock nonsense, such as Harry Potter." He winked slyly at the camera.

"_Are you insulting my religion?" _seethed Headwater Daddy, emerging from inside a hollow stack of papers on Mr. Naka's desk. "All must bow before the Almighty and Decrepit Mollusk! No one will be standing once the heretics have been, shall we say," here he twiddled one of his loathsome 'abdominal fibers' and leered, "_eradicated."_

"Remember that time that we wanted you to come here and make unwelcome interruptions?" said Mr. Naka skeptically.

"Remember that time when I killed yew?" inquired Headwater Daddy menacingly. "No? Oh right- IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET! BUT IT WILL SOON! LOSERS!" On this lackluster note he curled into his Morph Ball, blew a hole in a nearby Bendezium wall and promptly fell into a pool of lava that had apparently been inside the wall.

"Well, er," said Sonic, desperately trying to conceal the horrible giggling noises that were emerging from the lava, "as I was saying, that contract is meaningless! Writing blood on a piece of paper doesn't tie your life force to it!"

"Oh yeah?" snarled Mr. Naka. "Look, I'll prove it!" He cut himself lightly on the arm, not near a vein, and dabbed the tip of an old-fashioned feather quill into the blood. Pulling a fresh sheet of paper out of his desk, he wrote his name simply down on the paper.

"All right," he growled at Sonic, who was looking completely befuddled at this point, "here's the test. Rip that piece of paper in half. If nothing happens to me, you win. If anything out of the ordinary happens, I win."

The two halves of Sonic's brain clashed together: foolish imbecile versus obnoxious critic. Sort of like when Mecha and Headwater Daddy fight. Which is usually over the most inane and meaningless things possible, not because they consider these things to be worth fighting over, but because they specifically compile lists of the most inane and meaningless things possible just so they can fight over them. On the one hand, the Obnoxious Critic side of Sonic's brain wanted to harshly put down Mr. Naka for his ridiculous idea and prove him wrong. On the other, the Foolish Imbecile did not want to think about it. "Don't rock the boat, don't rock the boat," it prayed feverishly. Eventually the two sides jammed together and all he could do was nod with a sickly look on his face.

"Good!" declared Mr. Naka. "Here, take the sheet of paper and do whatever you want to it."

Sonic took the paper and looked at it. With a sly grin he took a gun out of his pocket and blew a hole in the middle of the paper. Mr. Naka fell over dead.

"Wow, what a moron," said Sonic, choosing to ignore the fact that the bullet had gone through the other side of the paper and hit Mr. Naka in the heart. He pocketed the gun, but as he reached for the contract, it crumbled as one of its two signers died. All that was left was a small scrap of bloody parchment with Sonic's name on it, which he threw contemptuously in the garbage before leaving.

Meanwhile, back at home…

"Lil Beezy Dub Money Boy got those dollars stacked, spending money all the time cause being poor is whack, I always have money even when I spend it all, got a grill in my mouth shining like a disco ball," rapped Knuckles in tune, or lack thereof, with the music pulsing through his speakers. He had to admit that LBDMB (Lil Beezy Dub Money Boy) didn't have a good flow, good beats, good lyrics, good guests (four per song) or good music. But he sure did have an awesome grill!

Knuckles dreamed of the day when he would be able to get a Disco Ball Grill as popularized by LBDMB. Other gangstas could only use the reflective silver power of the disco ball as a metaphor regarding their grills. With corrective plastic surgery, however, LBDMB's mouth could unhinge like a snake's so that he could literally put an entire disco ball in his mouth. Knuckles, forever in awe of this accomplishment, glued sequins to a bear trap and tried to stick it in his mouth, with disastrous consequences.

Real rappers don't have their tongues pierced, he thought miserably as he fingered the inch-wide hole. Or their cheeks for that matter… Knuckles blushed at the thought of his second use for the bear trap… a grisly flashback involving a punctured posterior was about to unfold when somebody opened the refrigerator door. Knuckles yelped and leaped into the tub of margarine, completely hidden. Shadow got the guacamole and closed the door again. With a sigh, Knuckles climbed out of the margarine and enjoyed his chilly clubhouse, perfectly at ease… at least until Shadow put the guacamole back in.

The epic saga of how Knuckles came to embrace the refrigerator as his true home may be explored some other time. However, now we will focus on Tails and the filming of his new music video, _The World Was Beautiful And So Were You (The Difference Is That After You Died, You Were Still Beautiful). _This appalling melodramatic and weepy song was one Tails had come up with. It was extremely progressive and complex, consisting of a grandiose verse-chorus-verse-chorus song structure and coming in at a titanic four minutes. The piano during the verses and the 20-second, 8-note guitar solo really added a dense and operatic feel to the whole thing as well.

"All right," said Tails to his film crew, an extremely unhappy Shadow, "this is the part during the second chorus that we talked about. You know, the one where I'm staring into the mirror and the reflection is screaming and going nuts while I'm just standing there looking at it…"

"How much money are you going to give me?"

"Yes, you'll get it all," Tails said impatiently. "Now here's the blue screen. Just film me in front of it. Go from my left side, around my back about ten feet away from me, then end facing my right side."

"How much money is-"

"YOU'LL GET YOUR DAMN MONEY!" screamed Tails, who had been asked this twenty-seven times. "Now just film me the way I asked!"

Shadow, sighing, completed the assigned task. Tails made overly dramatic motions for a few minutes and then stopped.

"All right," he said, "now what?"

Suddenly the refrigerator door blew off its hinges and Knuckles crawled out, wheezing and gasping. Before he could fully emerge, a pair of massive gorilla arms pulled him back and out of sight.

"Um… he doesn't need any help," said Shadow, turning his back on the screams. "Anyway, as I was saying, about that money-"

"Kids! I'm home!" yelled Sonic from outside. "After, er, _renegotiating _my contract with Mr. Naka, it appears that I won't be starring in any Nintendo ventures anymore."

"Er, Sonic," said Tails, "when the fanboys discover that you aren't going to be in Brawl anymore… and since Mr. Naka's dead, they can't blame it on Sega… who do you think they'll go after?"

"Nintendo," said Sonic proudly.

"Yes," said Shadow, catching on, "and when Nintendo claims not to know what's going on, who do you think they'll go after?"

"Omega," said Sonic, even more proudly.

Tails and Shadow looked at each other nervously. Knuckles limped out of the refrigerator, only to be pulled back in by the gorilla. Nobody noticed.

"Er, Sonic," began Shadow.

"DUCK!" roared Tails, and without hesitating they all fell to the ground. A hail of arrows flew over their heads and embedded themselves in the wall.

"They're already attacking!" shouted Tails, reaching under the couch cushions and pulling out riot shields. "Everybody get in the basement! Run for cover! I'll set up defense!"

"Er," said Sonic, desperately trying to avoid the possibility that the fanboys were after him, "perhaps… you know how Mr. Davidson down the street has his little archery competitions…"

Each window in turn was smashed by a flurry of heavy, softball-sized rocks. The house rocked on its foundations as a grenade went off.

"Those kids and their Little League," chuckled Sonic nervously as machine gun fire perforated the piano next to him with a horrible sound of shattering keys.

"Sonic, you idiot, WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!" roared Knuckles from the cellar door. "Get over here or you'll be eaten alive!"

"Eaten alive?" shrieked Sonic. "I think not! It's time for drastic measures!" He opened the closet and began frantically searching through it. Mops and brooms were impatiently batted aside until eventually he discovered what he was looking for… an RPG launcher.

"Prepare to die, you mutinous, rabid Wii fanatics!" he roared as he fired a missile out the window. It flew across the yard… and then fell dead with a limp, muffled puff.

"Er," said Sonic unenthusiastically, and then he heard a helicopter above the roof and men dropping out of it onto his house. Without delay he leaped into the basement with Knuckles and Shadow, the latter of whom tried to push him out but failed.

"All right," said Knuckles in the subterranean gloom. "We've locked the door and sealed it shut. Now we just have to wait until Tails kills them, or until they kill Tails and break through. In this case I have prepared cyanide pills for all of us to take so that they can't take us alive."

"Um… all right, Knuckles," said Shadow sarcastically. "That sounds like a good long-term plan for success."

"WELL WHAT'S YOUR PROPOSAL! THEY'RE TRYING TO KILL US!" screeched Knuckles demonically as the living room caught fire above them.

"We can tunnel out," said Shadow happily. "Using Knuckles' glove spikes and my rocket boots, we can burn and chisel an escape route out of here. It should be done in two weeks if we work night and day and make it only two feet by two feet."

"TWO WEEKS? TWO WEEKS?" thundered Knuckles. "WHAT ARE WE GOING TO EAT?"

"The mole people do not eat," said Shadow, making bizarre chirping noises. "They have learned to go for months without sustenance… they have evolved to acquire nutrition by absorbing it from the cave walls through their pores… and if worst comes to worst we can always eat our own young…"

"Knuckles, we aren't mole people," said Sonic.

"Well, there's a first time for everything," said Shadow as if stating the obvious. "For food… the meat of fakers is pale and rancid, but it will keep us alive…"

"DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!" snarled Sonic, clutching his ribs defensively. "I won't let you guys eat me!"

There was silence. Sonic could see nothing. There was a gentle scraping sound on the floor.

"GUYS? This isn't funny anymore. GUYS! STOP IT! WHERE ARE YOU?"

A dry laugh came from his side. Sonic let out a sob and swung. As he turned, a cold finger traced a line down his back. He shuddered and flung himself to the ground, choking on his fear. The laugh came again from closer by. As he got up, a strand of cobweb hit him in the face. Sonic swore, swinging at it- and found the light switch. He tugged and light flooded the room. There was nobody there.

"WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Just chilling out," said Shadow and Knuckles behind him, playing Guitar Hero.

"WHAT WAS ALL THAT LAUGHING FOR?" Sonic screamed furiously. "I WAS TERRIFIED FOR MY _LIFE!"_

"Well, see, about that," said Shadow awkwardly, but then somebody hammered on the basement door.

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	96. A Blessing In Disguise?

Sonic Insanity

Since yesterday was the 1-year-anniversary of my last update, I thought I'd throw everybody a bone by doling out another chapter just for the hell of it. Review as always, guys! 1200 and rising!

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Last time on Sonic Insanity…

_Sonic's violent renegotiation of his contract with Sega led to him no longer being in Brawl, and the fanboy backlash led to all-out-war. Sonic, Tails, Knuckles and Shadow sought shelter in the basement. As this chapter begins, our heroes have just heard a loud hammering on the door and are about to investigate. However, the chapter does not begin in Sonic's house, but in a tall Japanese skyscraper…_

Yuji Naka lay dead, slumped in his executive chair, blank eyes staring infinitely out through the windows of his massive office. The table was empty save for a sheet of paper with a clean hole blown through it, and a small pile of papers that had once formed Sonic's contract with Sega. Silence filled every corner of the room like a herd of fat, quiet ponies, with the exception of a small patch of lava bubbling behind a small hole in the wall.

Headwater Daddy, dripping with fiery magma goop, emerged triumphantly from the patch of lava like the victor of some devastating battle. His pride was somewhat misplaced, seeing as he had voluntarily hidden in the lava until Sonic left and Yuji Naka was dead, but that was beside the point. With the grace of a vulture he dragged his red-hot body, which had inexplicably weathered the furnace-like heat of the lava, over to the wastepaper basket. Cooling his hands to a satisfactory temperature, he deftly plucked a small scrap of paper from the trashcan… a single iota of paper with the name _Sonic T. Hedgehog _written in blood upon it.

Smirking, Headwater Daddy pocketed this fragment of paper, lifted the phone from the office desk and dialed a number.

"Yes?" came the voice over the line, distorted using security technology. As a result, Headwater Daddy had no clue who his employer was.

"Well, scrum-diddley-doo! I gots the secret signature," explained Mr. Daddy with a cacophonous cackle.

"How soon can you get it to me?"

"Awww, baby, don't play me that way!" snickered Headwater Daddy, pacing around the office. "I'm just a will o' the wisp! And when there's a will o' the wisp, there's a way o' the wisp! And the way o' the wisp… IS ULTIMATE, MINDLESS SERVITUDE!" he shrieked into the phone.

The voice sighed coldly. "You'll be retrieved in twenty seconds." The line went dead.

Headwater Daddy ceased his boisterous tomfoolery long enough to put down the phone, and then searched for some item with which to blot the lava from his person. The curtains by the window looked ideal. Sniggering, he traipsed lackadaisically over toward them in order to clean himself off.

The window exploded in a whirl of cascading glass. All of it was sucked out into a giant dimensional portal which had appeared with a great cataclysmic splashing noise outside the window. Clutching the signature tight in his fist, Headwater Daddy faced his destiny with a cunning smile and one crossed eye. He leaped out of the office building through the portal into another world.

MEANWHILE…

The hammering on the door intensified, yet nobody was eager to answer it. A furious bout of quibbling sprung up between Sonic, Tails, Shadow and Knuckles as to who would undertake this chore.

"Come on, guys, I'm exempt!" pleaded Knuckles, using a word that he had once used to impress the ladies by showing off his large vocabulary. "I did it last time!"

"Last time you answered the door, Knuckles," sighed Shadow, "it was a pizza delivery man, and you paid him no tip and ate half the pizza yourself. So no, I don't think you are exempt, you piece of shit," he concluded, using a word that he had once used to infuriate Gerald Robotnik. He had been subsequently beaten, stuffed in a duffel bag and trampled by gravity tigers. But that was another story.

"What say we draw straws?" piped up Tails.

"Good idea Tails, does anybody else have any-"

"What about my idea?" pressed Tails belligerently.

Sonic, Shadow and Knuckles sighed and looked with commiseration at one another before turning on the irate Tails with a collective fatherly air.

"You see, Tails," began Knuckles with a studious tone, but the banging on the door commenced and they were distracted from ridiculing Tails into reforming a plan of action.

"What say we draw straws?" said Sonic, desperately presenting the idea as his own out of greed and egotism, and everybody was too frantic to disapprove. Well, Shadow wasn't frantic. He just didn't care about Tails' intellectual property, whatever the hell that meant. Shadow had long been plagued by accusations of thieving others' intellectual property, most notably in a court case in which his entire existence had been called into question as an act of plagiarism. Some accused him of being a cliché antihero with no distinguishing traits, in response to which he shot them all dead, said a badass one-liner through clenched teeth, and strolled out the door in slow motion. How _dare _they call him unoriginal…

"So draw your straw!" said Tails brightly, indicating the straws he had clenched in his hands.

Dubiously, Knuckles seized one and pulled… and pulled… and pulled… inch after inch of straw material emerged from Tails' palm with no end in sight. Inches became feet, feet became yards, and yards improbably stretched into units of measurement previously considered inconceivable. Finally the other end was reached, and Knuckles was left with a straw nearly as long as a city block.

"Well, despite the staggeringly inconvenient and unbelievable means by which I drew that straw," growled Knuckles, feeling fury grip his temples like a crablike plague of frustration, "at least I'm sure to have the longest straw."

However, it was soon demonstrated that this was not necessarily the case, as Shadow seized his own straw only to find that it was of similar proportions to the one Knuckles had drawn. All gritted their teeth as the banging grew more persistent and Shadow hauled nearly a quarter mile of straw out of Tails' fist. Finally the end was at last procured, and Shadow disgustedly dropped his four-foot-high pile of straw next to Knuckles' stack.

"How in the hell are we supposed to determine which of these is shorter than the other?" groused Tails, as if he was not directly responsible for this situation. He plunged his hand into his own fist and drew yet another straw of mammoth size. Nearly five minutes passed while Tails turned blue in the face from tugging and yanking. At long last he too unearthed the long coil of straw in its entirety and stuffed the nearly hay-bale-sized pile into a disused bucket.

"Sonic, your turn," they encouraged him in unison, anticipating yet another tedious ordeal.

Sonic, vesting all his worldly strength in the fingers of his right hand, grabbed the last remaining straw and drew an absolutely tiny grain of hay no longer than the nail on a baby's pinky finger. It was so small that Tails must have been balancing it on the edge of his fist rather than actually holding any part of it. Such an incomprehensibly minuscule particle must have been painstakingly whittled down to the shred of an iota of material it now was. Sonic's face contorted into a grimace of earth-shattering, vindictive rage.

"WHY IS THERE SUCH A STARK CONTRAST IN SIZE BETWEEN THESE PIECES OF STRAW, TAILS!" he bellowed so loudly that the knocking upstairs temporarily abated.

"It's phallic symbolism," said Shadow.

"It's modern art," said Knuckles at the same time.

"It's a coincidence," Tails chorused.

The confusing mishmash of vocal sounds made Sonic's head spin. However, when all was said and done, it was generally agreed upon that Sonic must answer the insistent hammering on the door. So up the stairs he trod, waving a shovel around in what he hoped was a fierce brandish, decreasing in confidence by the second.

"Come on, guys, this ain't fair!" he pleaded. "I'm a hedgehog! I have rights!"

"So do we," came the muffled response as Tails and Shadow began a DDR tournament downstairs.

"What!" shrieked Sonic with fear. "How can you be partying when my very life is in danger?"

Shadow looked blankly at him. "I thought that was the point."

Sonic was madder than an octopus in a November landslide. Hissing and spitting like a demented violin, he chose to release his anger by imagining Shadow's head being cut off in beautiful, 300-esque slow motion. Sonic stomped up the stairs and yanked the door open, ready for anything… wait… what was this?

No… it couldn't be! He could have never expected anything so horrific and repellent in all his days. The monstrous visage silhouetted in the doorway gave him a wide grin and then lunged forward, knocking him all the way down the stairs. Sonic crashed loudly onto the cement floor with a wet splat as his assailant pawed viciously at his chest. He thrashed like a jellyfish in a blender, trying to escape the sickening fate in store for him.

"Shadow, Sonic needs our help!" yelled Knuckles, rushing to Sonic's aid and trying in vain to pry the beast from his fallen friend.

"I'm playing DDR!" came the distracted reply.

"SONIC COULD DIE!"

"WE MUST ALL MAKE SACRIFICES!"

"WHY DON'T YOU MAKE A SACRIFICE AND HELP ME OUT HERE?"

"WHY DON'T YOU MAKE A SACRIFICE AND SHUT THE HELL UP?"

"I WILL DIE FOR THIS!" screamed Tails as he executed a brilliant combo on the dance pad, effectively ending Shadow's chances of winning. With obvious reluctance Shadow set off at a glacial pace to assist Knuckles and Sonic in their battle with the mad attacker.

"Gotcha!" grunted Knuckles as he finally delivered a powerful punch, sending the creature flying. It hurtled into a wall and was temporarily stunned. Tails and his sidekicks, if by sidekicks you mean "obvious superiors," gathered around the monster's form to see who, or what, it was. Its vicious eyes flickered open and it spoke in a hellish sirenlike screech.

"Hi, guys!"

"AMYYYYYYYYY!" wailed Sonic in a tone suggesting utter damnation and obliteration of his soul.

"Sonikku!" she warbled, and began to plaster him again with kisses and worse. Shuddering with disgust, Tails extricated himself from his sweet dance moves in order to help Shadow and Knuckles restrain the pink hedgehog by cramming her inside a pickle jar. They poked some air holes in the lid and wedged it tightly.

"Amy, why are you here?" Sonic yelled, clutching the jar in his hands and warily holding it at arm's length.

"I saw that there was some kind of nuclear holocaust happening at your house and I wanted to see if you were OK!" gurgled Amy with sickening optimism.

"WHAT!" roared Sonic. His house had suffered many fates over the years. The amount of damage that had been wreaked upon was nigh unbelievable. But for it to be _gone? _Were the Sonic fanboys so desperate for a revival of their hero that they had to resort to rendering his house a smoking crater?

"Somebody go outside and see," he ordered harshly.

"Don't do it, Sonic! You'll surely perish!" pleaded Tails.

"I wasn't putting _my _ass on the line," said Sonic with disgust. "I propose that the cloned bitch go investigate the surface and tell us what's going on."

"You're just upset that one of my kind can become President, you racist," sniffed Shadow.

"Shadow, having black fur and being African-American are not entirely the same thing," Tails belabored to explain.

"Being good at inventing shitty machines and being intelligent are not entirely the same thing!" yelled Shadow nastily.

By popular consent it was decided that Shadow was indeed to check out the surface. Sonic supported this because of his undying enmity for Shadow. Tails supported this because of Shadow's cruelty. Amy supported this because if Shadow died, Sonic would pay more attention to her. And Knuckles had meant well by voting for "the black guy," just as he had done in the 2008 presidential election. Little did he know that, just as with Barack Obama, they had only voted "the black guy" to take on a position of incredible danger and little reward.

"If I don't come back in an hour, come up and rescue me," Shadow half-ordered and half-pleaded.

"No," was Sonic's only response.

"Shadow, you're not going to go out of our sight," sighed Tails. "Just take this gun with you." He handed the black hedgehog a small straw with spitballs in it.

Shadow nervously poked his head out of the basement door. The house had been utterly razed to the ground. Nothing but small twisted fragments of glass and brick remained. Metal shapes writhed in broken shards out of the rubble, and the entire neighborhood had been reduced to a smoking wasteland where no object stood taller than five feet. Fires consumed ash-choked lawns and dying trees. The sky rumbled like God's stomach high above, streaked with oily red clouds.

"Everything appears fine," he reported buoyantly, traipsing downstairs with a dreamy smile.

"Really?" asked Sonic uncertainly.

"The house is still standing," beamed Shadow in a friendly way.

A massive earthquake-like tremor shook the basement, causing the heroes to lurch uneasily back and forth. Everybody stumbled and fell, searching for something to hold onto. The shaking lasted no more than a minute before ending. When it subsided, the four furries picked themselves up and dusted themselves off.

"Well, did it look like there was still any sign of danger up there?" Tails asked Shadow.

"It looked like the attackers have cleared out," said Shadow, which was technically true.

"Well then let's get revenge on those assholes!" yelled Sonic, stomping his feet. "I want some compensation for having my life put in danger!"

"Who are we getting revenge on now?" asked Shadow skeptically.

Sonic's eyes burned with a feverish obsession and his mouth curled into a sick, monomaniacal grin. He twitched with bloody joy as he began to scratch a plan into the sand on the floor. Why his basement floor was covered in sand was not only unclear, but it would never be made clear. Ever.

"First, we barter with Satan for passage into Hell," he seethed in a sing-song whisper. "We may have to sell Tails' soul in the process, but it's better than nothing. Besides, we and Hades go way back. Once in Hell, we will find Yuji Naka's ghost and kill it, or maybe just bother it until we get tired. Then we'll hunt down every single Sonic fanboy. EVERY LAST ONE! WEASELS!" he shrieked, not in reference to the fanboys. He just liked yelling the world 'weasels.'

"Sonic, what about the fanboys that didn't have anything to do with this?" asked Tails reasonably.

"NO SURVIVORS!"

"How are we going to traverse Hell in search of Yuji Naka's ghost when Hell is said to be full of unspeakable evil and suffering?"

"We'll go skiing," said Sonic determinedly.

"Skiing," repeated Knuckles with mounting anger.

"Skiing."

"IT'LL BE A COLD DAY IN HELL BEFORE I SKI THROUGH THE NETHERWORLD!" shrieked Knuckles, stating the obvious.

"Maybe we should just go look for some food and shelter," proposed Tails.

"FOOD AND SHELTER?" yelled Sonic, kicking a chair over and standing on top of it somehow. "FOOD AND SHELTER? THAT'S YOUR BRIGHT IDEA, TAILS? OH LOOK, DISASTER'S COMING! WHAT DO WE DO! ACCORDING TO TAILS OVER HERE, FOOD AND SHELTER IS WHAT WE NEED! BAH! YOU MAKE ME SICK!"

"Well, what would you suggest?" Tails asked testily.

"SOME MAY QUESTION MY ETHICS, MY METHODS AND MY WAYS," yelled Sonic, quoting a great poet, "BUT MY BUSINESS IS MEAT, AND BUSINESS PAYS! NONE QUESTION ME NOW, FOR I AM THE BOSS…" He turned on Knuckles with an unfathomable, longing, craving, hungry look in his eyes. Out came the steak bib and serrated knife. Out came the long tongue, licking his chops with a horrific sucking sound. "REAL BABY BACK RIBS, DRIPPING WITH SAUCE!"

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Has Sonic permanently gone off the deep end? Will they ever escape the basement? Who is Headwater Daddy's shadowy superior? We'll see in a year from now! Read and review!


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